MADISON ON THE AIR: “X MINUS ONE: THE EMBASSY”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: DEC 2022

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
Countdown for blast off. X minus five… four… three… two… X minus one. Fire. From the far horizons of the unknown come transcribed tales of new dimensions in time and space. These are stories of the future. Adventures in which you’ll live in a million could-be years on a thousand may-be worlds. We now present… X Minus One… Tonight’s story… “The Embassy.” Out of the infinitude of stars and planets in the solar system, and other solar systems in the universe, it is almost mathematically certain that other forms of life exist on other worlds. Someday in the future — in a thousand years, or in the next thirty minutes — daring travelers through space will make contact with the inhabitants of another world. But the question is… will we contact them first, or will they contact us? A private detective agency in downtown New York.

DOOLIN
Mr. Graphius, Miss Standish will see you now.

MADISON
Good morning. What can I do for you?

GRAPHIUS
My name is Graphius. I would like–

MADISON
Doolin!

DOOLIN
Yeah, boss?

MADISON
Uh-hem.

DOOLIN
Oh, eh, “Miss Standish.”

MADISON
Hold my calls.

DOOLIN
Sure thing.

MADISON
Doolin!

DOOLIN
Oh, sorry. “Yes, ma’am.”

GRAPHIUS
Uh… Miss Standish–

MADISON
Isn’t that ah-mazing! I have my own assistant. He even goes on coffee runs for me. And I can yell at him and tell him to take it back if I don’t like it. I feel all “Devil Wears Prada.” I’m such a bitch.

GRAPHIUS
While that is a fascinating glance into your workplace power dynamic, time is truly of the essence in my necessity to hire you.

MADISON
I am just so excited! I’m finally a detective in my own right! And you’re my first customer!

GRAPHIUS
Indeed?

MADISON
Oh, I probably shouldn’t have told you that. But I totes have like tons of experience. My LinkedIn connections are Sam Spade, Sherlock Holmes, Philip Marlowe–

GRAPHIUS
Miss Standish, please, I would like your assistance in helping me locate the Martian embassy.

MADISON
Martian embassy?

GRAPHIUS
Yes. Does this… surprise you?

MADISON
Yeah, it does. Can’t you just look it up in one of those, oh, what-do-you-call-its… uh… it’s a big thick book with phone numbers in it?

GRAPHIUS
You mean… a phonebook?

MADISON
Right! With the internet, I’ve never had to use one. Except when a table leg wobbled.

GRAPHIUS
Well, I don’t think the Martians would readily list their embassy’s location.

MADISON
Why not?

GRAPHIUS
Because they wouldn’t want everyone knowing people from Mars were living here.

MADISON
Oh. There’s a lot of racism against Martians in the ’50s, huh?

GRAPHIUS
Against aliens?

MADISON
Undocumented workers. Aw, 1955, you are so unPC.

GRAPHIUS
You do understand I am speaking of the planet Mars?

MADISON
Wait, planet? I thought you were talking about a country in the Middle East or something. You know they got one called “Guitar.”

GRAPHIUS
You mean… “Qatar”?

MADISON
And not one rock band is from there.

GRAPHIUS
Well, I’m speaking of the actual planet of Mars.

MADISON
Of course, I don’t know much about geography. I’m a product of the American public school system. I’m lucky I know there are fifty states.

GRAPHIUS
Fifty? I believe there are only forty-eight.

MADISON
What?! Doolin!

DOOLIN
Yes, Miss Standish?

MADISON
How many states are there?

DOOLIN
Uh… forty-eight.

MADISON
Okay. Now I am officially questioning every single thing I ever learned in school.

DOOLIN
That all you need, boss? Eh, “Miss Standish”?

MADISON
I might need an Atlas. Or a globe! I’ve always wanted to own one of those. I don’t know why. I think it’s because people who have them seem really smart.

DOOLIN
Globe. Of course. Right away.

GRAPHIUS
If I may continue?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, sure. I’m just trying to think how I got fifty states.

GRAPHIUS
All right, well, it occurred to me, in the course of my studies, that we Earth people cannot possibly be the only intelligent form of life in the universe.

MADISON
There is a “West” Virginia, right? ‘Cuz that sounds made up.

GRAPHIUS
Yes, there is. As I was saying, since Mars is older geologically, and since it is also an atmospheric planet, its evolutionarily history could easily be similar to ours.

MADISON
Oh! Kansas and Ar-kansas are the same state!

GRAPHIUS
No, they’re not. And it’s pronounced “Arkansas.”

MADISON
Maybe if your parents are cousins.

GRAPHIUS
Miss Standish, I am trying to tell you that people from Mars — the planet — have been observing us for hundreds, possibly thousands of years.

MADISON
Oh…

GRAPHIUS
Yes. And they know we are a military and war-like race. That we might conceivably set out to conquer and occupy their planet someday.

MADISON
It’s Rhode Island, isn’t it? It’s like Long Island. It’s not a state, it’s part of Massachusetts or something.

GRAPHIUS
Miss Standish, you are about to lose your first customer.

MADISON
Look, I’m a multi-tasker, okay? I heard everything you said. The Martians are gonna invade us before we invade them and there’s probably a bunch of them here already shut up in some kinda embassy that you want me to help you find it.

GRAPHIUS
Yes. Precisely. I believe there are scouts here observing Earth to prepare for the invasion.

MADISON
Uh-huh. And what makes you think they’d be in New York?

GRAPHIUS
Well, it would stand to reason that you would send agents to scout the earth’s centers of civilization and advancement. Not equatorial Africa or Kansas City–

MADISON
You mean, “Ar-kansas” City.

GRAPHIUS
No, I–! You would send the scouts here to New York, the most technically advanced spot on the earth.

MADISON
If they can make it here, they can make it anywhere. Okay, so my fee is a hundred dollars a day plus coffee expenses.

GRAPHIUS
Coffee expenses?

MADISON
Non-negotiable.

GRAPHIUS
Certainly. Money is of no concern. I need the Martian embassy found.

MADISON
Alrighty, so, our starting point is Martians are on Earth, and living in New York City.

GRAPHIUS
Precisely.

MADISON
I once spent a summer looking for fairies in my backyard after my brother told me that they were living in our Bougainvillea. When I couldn’t find ’em, he said the coyotes ate them.

GRAPHIUS
I fail to see–

MADISON
So what do your Martians look like?

GRAPHIUS
Oh, um, they will be ordinary appearing people. Very likely to live together in downtown New York. Most certainly they live in a private house with no servants to pry into their affairs.

MADISON
Ordinary-looking, livin’ in a house downtown, slummin’ it without servants. Mmmm. Nothing distinctive to go off of? Like the fairies had wings and loved Elton John ballads.

GRAPHIUS
And… they would be almost certain to subscribe to every conceivable type of newspaper, scientific journal and foreign language publication.

MADISON
No wings, though?

GRAPHIUS
Uh. No.

MADISON
Okay. If you’re paying the fee, I’ll find you some ordinary lookin’ Martians.

GRAPHIUS
Excellent. I shall contact you tomorrow. Good day, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Wait! It’s 1955! I know why we only have forty-eight states. This is before the Dakotas and the Carolinas had their civil wars and broke off into North and South. Duh.

SCENE TWO

MADISON
My gawd! Does every street in Greenwich Village have to have some weirdo in a goatee playing bongos?!

DOOLIN
Yeah. It’s them Beatniks.

MADISON
I don’t blame the Martians for wanting to attack.

DOOLIN
You really think there’re actual Martians? Like, like, Mars-Martians?

MADISON
That’s what Graphius thinks. And he’s the man with the moolah.

DOOLIN
Seems a little… “out there,” don’t it?

MADISON
Look, all he asked us to do was to find a house in New York with ordinary people who get a lot of subscriptions. Although that last part doesn’t make any sense to me.

DOOLIN
What? Lots of subscriptions?

MADISON
Yeah. In my day, everyone has a subscription to everything. Like, I literally have a subscription for my electric toothbrush. People worry about Big Government while we willingly sign up to tell companies how often we brush.

DOOLIN
I thought he meant subscriptions to publications?

MADISON
You mean like YouTube? “If you haven’t already, like and subscribe to the ‘Madison on the Air’ YouTube Channel.”

DOOLIN
Uh, I was checkin’ out that house. Number one-oh-eight. Nobody comes out, nobody goes in. And they got subscriptions to all kinds of publications.

MADISON
Well, you’ve either identified the Martian embassy, or an agoraphobe.

DOOLIN
Oh, no, I got some inside information. See, I struck up what you might call a “casual acquaintanceship” with those two girls standin’ with the baby carriages up the street. The cute one is real cute.

MADISON
Ew. You’re hitting on married women with babies?

DOOLIN
No! Thems the maids. Ya know, takin’ the babies out.

MADISON
Oh! They’re nannies! My nanny used to push me in my stroller everywhere she went. As a treat, she’d let me fill up on buffalo wings at her favorite strip club. Probably why appetizers turn me on.

DOOLIN
Uh… okay.

MADISON
Now I’m jonesin’ for buffalo wings. And fishnet stockings.

DOOLIN
So, uh, you goin’ back to the office?

MADISON
Yeah. Graphius wants me to meet him for an update. I am so sick of everything in the past being in person! You guys have got to invent texting. Uck. Well, see ya later.

BEATNIK
My skins! What gives, doll? You’re oppressin’ my expression.

MADISON
Try being your “authentic self” somewhere besides the middle of the sidewalk!

DOOLIN
I’m startin’ to wonder if I should go back to my meat packin’ job.

JUDY
You talkin’ to yourself, flatfoot?

DOOLIN
Oh, hi ya, beautiful.

JUDY
You remember Helen.

HELEN
Hi, ya.

JUDY
And you can call me “Judy”. But I like “beautiful”.

DOOLIN
Name’s Doolin, honey. Iron Man Doolin.

HELEN
Iron Man?

JUDY
Your line is getting rusty, Iron Man.

DOOLIN
So help me, honey, if I’m feedin’ ya a line, may the heavens open up and strike me dead! Hey. What’s that?

JUDY
Look out!

PROMO BREAK

SCENE THREE

MADISON
I am totes sorry I’m late, Mr. Graphius. Driving in crosstown traffic in New York is like playing Grand Theft Auto, but more aggressive.

GRAPHIUS
Not to worry, Miss Standish. Now, what is the update on the Martian embassy?

MADISON
Okay, so my assistant, Doolin, found a house down in Greenwich Village. O.M.G. the whole area is full of like, the 1950’s version of hipsters.

GRAPHIUS
Yes, but did you find the embassy?

MADISON
All these dudes in beards and chunky glasses playing guitars to barefoot girls in berets. You could cut the pretension with a knife.

GRAPHIUS
To the point, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Honestly, no “ordinary” looking people down there. They’re all working really hard to look effortlessly cool. But there is this one house at one-oh-eight Charles Street.

GRAPHIUS
What did you learn about it?

MADISON
Nobody seems to know anything about who lives there except that they subscribe to every paper and scientific journal. Which the hipsters consider the “opium of the masses” because they only read “beat” poetry? I swear I heard Morrissey playing in the background.

GRAPHIUS
That sounds very promising.

MADISON
Oh, and I saw a huge-ass radio antenna on the roof. It has such a strong transmitter, my cell phone actually started downloading my back texts. Apparently my family thinks I’m dead or living as part of a harem in Saudi Arabia.

GRAPHIUS
You don’t suppose your Mr. Doolin will try to get inside the house? If this place is the Martian embassy, it could be dangerous.

MADISON
Nah, he won’t go in. He was too busy sniffin’ tail out front. Hang on, I bet that’s him. Hello?… Yeah, Doolin is my assistant… No way!… Okay, I’ll be right there. Bye.

GRAPHIUS
Something the matter?

MADISON
They said Doolin is dead and the cops want me to identify his body.

GRAPHIUS
Oh, that’s terrible.

MADISON
I know! I have to drive in the crosstown traffic again!

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Wait here a sec, Mr. Graphius. I gotta get through this crowd of hipster lookie-loos.

GRAPHIUS
Of course.

MADISON
Oh, gag. What are they smoking?

GRAPHIUS
I believe those are clove cigarettes.

MADISON
Yuck. Why do hipsters always have to prove how hip they are by smoking something nasty? All right, step aside, step aside! I don’t care if your vape smells like bubblegum, you’re still a bunch of sheeple.

LIEUTENANT
You, Standish?

MADISON
Yeah, I’m Standish. What’s it to ya, copper?

LIEUTENANT
There’s your boy, Standish.

MADISON
Ew. He looks like a zebra carcass after a pride of lions got done with it.

LIEUTENANT
Yeah. That stone pillar did its job, that’s for sure.

MADISON
Maybe you should cover him with a tarp or something, before vultures start circling?

LIEUTENANT
Coroner will be here any minute.

MADISON
Did anybody see it happen?

LIEUTENANT
That maid over there pushin’ the baby carriage. But we can’t seem to get any sense out of her.

MADISON
Well, if I saw somebody splattered on the sidewalk with their insides outside, I might be a bit shaken up, too.

LIEUTENANT
Yeah. Not a pretty sight. Go ahead and try and talk to her.

MADISON
‘Kay. Hey. I’m Madison. Can I ask–

JUDY
Please! I told the police what I saw. How many times I gotta tell it?

MADISON
Look, the dude was my employee and on the clock when it happened. I’m probably gonna have to do a major worker’s comp pay out, so could you just tell me what happened?

JUDY
Well… Helen and I were standing in front of Breckman’s candy store up on the corner. We both had the babies out. He said hello and joked a little. Then… then…

MADISON
Then…?

JUDY
It’s too awful!

MADISON
C’mon. I already saw the end results. I just askin’ how the sausage got made.

JUDY
Well… first he was squashed, and then the stone fell on him.

MADISON
I’m not saying I don’t believe you, but… there’s no way I believe you.

JUDY
They don’t believe me, either. But Helen saw it, too!

MADISON
Saw… what now?

JUDY
First he was squashed, and then it fell on him. He was smashed flat before it even hit him!

MADISON
Uh-huh. Ya know, when I babysat in high school, I would totally hydrate with the parents’ liquor. Children are always more tolerable when you’re hammered.

JUDY
What? No! No, it’s nothing like that! Please, let me alone.

MADISON
I’m saying I can relate! Just be careful. When the parents have a party and realize the whiskey is nothing but colored water, your babysitting days are over.

JUDY
Let me alone. I told you what I saw, now let me alone!

GRAPHIUS
Did you learn anything, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Children drive people to drink?

GRAPHIUS
I meant about what happened to your assistant. Do you think it’s related to the house he was watching?

MADISON
That’s a good point! I won’t have to pay out workers’ comp if the home owners are proven negligent!

GRAPHIUS
May I ask what you intend on doing?

MADISON
I’m gonna make sure those Martians pay the wrongful death suit!

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
Hell-O! Anybody home? Your house killed my assistant and now I have to get my own coffee! Hell-O!!!

MOTHER
Yes?

MADISON
Oh. You are pretty ordinary looking.

MOTHER
Pardon me?

MADISON
So, uh, yeah. Not sure if you heard all the commotion out here, but your house killed my assistant.

MOTHER
Killed? My house?

MADISON
Yeah. Like, a big stone pillar from the top of your house fell and crushed him. Are you guys renters? If you are, I could go after your landlord for damages.

MOTHER
Please, come inside. I did hear a lot of noise outside, but I assumed there’d been another car accident. The way people drive in this city. It makes me fearful to leave the house!

MADISON
Oh, I totally get that. If you’re a pedestrian in L.A. you clearly have a death wish.

MOTHER
I should get my son, Lauren. He’ll know what to do. Lauren? Lauren, dear?

LAUREN
Yes, Mother?

MOTHER
Come into the kitchen! We have a visitor who needs to speak with you.

LAUREN
I’ll be right down.

MOTHER
Please, sit down, Miss…?

MADISON
Standish. P.I. I’m like Magnum P.I. but without the mustache. Except on days I haven’t waxed my upper lip.

MOTHER
Oh! You’re a private investigator? How impressive. May I offer you some tea?

MADISON
Uh… no… coffee, maybe?

MOTHER
Oh, no, I find that coffee frays the nerves. Tea is so much more relaxing, don’t you think?

MADISON
Meh. My tolerance to caffeine rivals my tolerance to hard liquor.

MOTHER
Well, this tea is my own special recipe.

MADISON
So… just you and your son here?

MOTHER
Oh, yes, just the two of us. Here’s your tea.

MADISON
Thanks. So… no other Martians here, then?

MOTHER
Pardon?

MADISON
Inside joke.

LAUREN
Hello. I’m Lauren. You needed to speak with me?

MOTHER
Lauren, this is Miss Standish. She’s a private investigator.

LAUREN
That so?

MADISON
Woo! Yuck. I’m not usually a tea drinker, but this tastes like, how, how can I describe it? The scrapings from the bottom of a dumpster outside a dog kennel?

MOTHER
Perhaps you’d do better with some sugar.

LAUREN
Miss Standish, what did you need to speak with me about?

MADISON
Yeah, so one of your stone pillars, ya know, from your roof? Fell and squashed my assistant.

LAUREN
That’s terrible!

MOTHER
Here’s some sugar.

MADISON
Thanks. So, my assistant was actually outside your house because I got this client and, well, — long story short — are you guys Martians?

LAUREN
“Martians” did you say?

MOTHER
What a silly notion!

MADISON
Yeah, I know. But this guy is paying me a chunk a change to find — get this — a “Martian embassy.” Hilarious, right? But then my assistant was killed by your house… Say, didn’t the cops come talk to you guys about it? Cops. Cops. Coppers. You ain’t takin’ me alive, Copper!

MOTHER
Are you all right, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Have you ever tried to talk without moving your lips? Lips. Lips. P. P. P’s are hard to shay without lips. Shay? Shhhh… Shay, Shay, Shay what you want, but don’t play games with my affection…

LAUREN
Mother! Why did you drug her?

MOTHER
Her assistant’s that gumshoe who’s been watching the house.

LAUREN
What are we supposed to do with her? We can’t pretend to drop another stone pillar! We barely got rid of the police the first time. How would it look to have two accidental deaths on our doorstep?

MOTHER
She asked about Martians. We have to find out who sent her.

MADISON
Ohmygawd! I can’t remember how to use my lips!

MOTHER
Safe to say she isn’t the mastermind.

MADISON
I think I better go. My rule is, Always leave the party before I pass out. That’s just proper etiquette.

LAUREN
No! Please, Miss Standish. You aren’t well.

MADISON
Right. So I need to go home and sleep it off.

MOTHER
Let us take care of you.

MADISON
Careful! You’re within the puke splash zone.

MOTHER
Lauren! Stop her!

LAUREN
Miss Standish!

MADISON
Where’d ya put the front door?

MOTHER
She’s going upstairs!

MADISON
This escalator isn’t working.

LAUREN
Miss Standish, please. Before you hurt yourself.

MADISON
Oh…. M…. Gee! You gave me a roofie! I’m so reporting you to the campus police! No charges will ever be filed because your
rich fathers will insulate you from the consequences of your actions and then you’ll end up becoming a supreme court justice, but my voice will not be silenced!

SCENE SIX

MADISON
Whoa. This Martian mickey is strong. I don’t think I’ve been this high since my sister-in-law’s baby shower.

WOMAN ON STREET
Watch where you’re going!

MADISON
Hey! You don’t own this sidewalk! Which backfired for me when I tried that in downtown Disney because they absolutely do own it.

WOMAN ON STREET
Officer! Officer!

BEAT COP
It’s all right Miss, I saw the whole thing. I’ll take care of her. Come along, you, let’s get you home.

MADISON
Officer, I’m so glad you’re here. The Martians drugged me.

BEAT COP
Who drugged you?

MADISON
The Martians! In one-oh-eight.

BEAT COP
Ah. Martians, is it?

MADISON
Yeah! They squashed my assistant and then drugged me.

BEAT COP
You sure it was Martians and not “pink elephants”?

MADISON
I wasn’t at the zoo. I was at the Martian embassy!

BEAT COP
In one-oh-eight, you say?

MADISON
Yeah! Do I fill out a report with you or what?

BEAT COP
Let me help you up the stairs.

MADISON
Wait, no! This is the Martian embassy! You can’t take me back here! They gave me tea!

BEAT COP
They gave you tea, huh? Well, I can understand why you’re so upset.

MADISON
No! Dude! Seriously! You gotta listen to me! I’m a makeup blogger from the 2020s who got zapped into old timey radio shows and am now working as a private detective to make ends meet and was hired to find the Martian embassy and even though they’re ordinary and don’t have fairy wings, they drugged me and they’re gonna take over the world!

MOTHER
Yes, Officer?

MADISON
That’s a Martian!!!

MOTHER
Oh! Madison! There you are!

BEAT COP
You know this lush, Granny?

MOTHER
Why, yes, Officer. That’s my daughter, Madison.

MADISON
No, no, no! My mother is a bleach blonde with plastic surgery who lives in Encino and has a proclivity for “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”!

BEAT COP
She’s in pretty bad shape. You better get her to bed.

MOTHER
Oh, dear, and she was doing so well at the alcoholics’ society.

MADISON
No, I wasn’t! They kicked me out of A.A. for spiking the coffee!

MOTHER
Lauren? Lauren?

LAUREN
What is it, Mother? Madison?

MOTHER
Your sister has been drinking again.

MADISON
No, Officer, please! I do drink. A lot. But you gotta believe me! They’re Martians and they drugged me and the Swiss just invented Velco which will revolutionize the shoe industry!

BEAT COP
She’s passed out.

LAUREN
Oh, I’ll take care of her, Officer. We’ve handled this sort of thing before.

MOTHER
You’ve been very kind, Officer.

BEAT COP
Nothin’ at all, Granny. I know how it is with these alchies. Martians. It’s that Orson Welles show all over again.

SCENE SEVEN

MADISON
Ohhhh… Aquaman… is that your trident or are you just happy to see me?

LAUREN
Madison is regaining consciousness, Mother.

MOTHER
Good. She’s been drooling all over my throw pillows.

MADISON
Ohhhh… Where am I? Hey, this isn’t Atlantis. But it does feel like a walrus is sitting on my chest.

LAUREN
Don’t try and struggle, Madison. It will be impossible for you to rise from that chair. The pressure from this ray will keep you there.

MADISON
Ray? That thing looks like a machine used in 1950’s dental surgery.

MOTHER
It’s a shame you found out about us, Madison.

MADISON
That you’re dentists?

LAUREN
That this is the Martian embassy!

MOTHER
And now you have the honor to be the first prisoner of the Imperial Government of Mars.

MADISON
But I don’t have any cavities?

LAUREN
Please, Mother, let me squish her.

MOTHER
Be patient. She still has information we need. Madison, as your people will soon find out, our preparations for invasion are nearly complete. As soon as we give the signal, our armed forces will launch a surprise attack, the earth will be ours!

MADISON
Welp, good luck with that.

LAUREN
This… doesn’t upset you?

MADISON
Dude, this is my… one, two, three… third Martian invasion. Old timey radio people really worried a lot about Martians. But I’ve seen the photos. Mars basically looks like Utah. Oh, god, you’re not Mormons, are you? That’d be way worse.

LAUREN
Please let me squish her.

MOTHER
It was a fatal mistake meddling into our affairs, Madison. We used our pressure ray on your assistant, and we will use it on you, too.

MADISON
Oh! You used the pressure ray on Doolin! That’s why the nanny said he was flattened before the pillar hit him.

MOTHER
The block of concrete was an afterthought. We felt it might help to divert suspicion.

MADISON
And I didn’t believe her. Note to self, owe her an apology.

MOTHER
If you cooperate, you can look forward to a quick, painless death like your assistant.

MADISON
‘Kay. And, hypothetically speaking, if I don’t cooperate?

LAUREN
This pressure ray has many delicate adjustments. It can move a pin, or it can crush a boulder. Mother, may I demonstrate?

MOTHER
Go ahead, dear.

MADISON
Oh! Jeez! Okay! It feels like the walrus is doing a Grande Jeté on my chest!

LAUREN
You see, Madison, it’s as if an invisible force were crushing you.

MADISON
Yeah, five outta five stars for torture. Product performs as advertised.

MOTHER
Now, tell us the name of your client. We’re interested in knowing who is so anxious to locate the Martian embassy.

MADISON
His name’s Graphius. Man, I didn’t believe him at first, either. I’m gonna need to apologize to him, too. Looks like I’m starting a list here.

MOTHER
Graphius? That’s an unusual name for an earth man.

MADISON
Is it? I thought it sounded Greek. But his accent is really… European-y?

LAUREN
Describe him.

MADISON
Uh, I dunno. He looks like he’s in his 50’s from the 50s. Like the dad from “Happy Days.” Heh, heh, heh. “Sit on it.”

MOTHER
Lauren, it sounds like one of them.

LAUREN
Yes, Mother, yes it does. Contact the planet. Tell them we suspect that our plans are known. Ask for an acceleration of the invasion day.

MOTHER
At once.

MADISON
Ow!!!

MOTHER
Lauren! She told us everything we needed to know.

MADISON
‘Kay, that hurts.

LAUREN
Right. So now there’s no reason I can’t squish her.

MOTHER
All right. But you’re cleaning up in here.

MADISON
Dude!!! My chest! I don’t think my implants can take this!!

LAUREN
I would suggest that you relax and meet your fate calmly.

MOTHER
Lauren! Finish her off. Don’t toy with her like a cat with a mouse. That’s why you lost your job as an executioner.

LAUREN
I didn’t do it! Something happened. The magnetic field is dead.

MADISON
Oh! Now I know what it feels like to be inside a George Forman grill.

MOTHER
Well, go on, fix the ray!

GRAPHIUS
Stand back from the pressure ray. It will not function, anyway. I have decontrolled your field.

MOTHER
Lauren! Lauren, it’s one of them! They found us!

GRAPHIUS
Did you think we wouldn’t? You are free to move now, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Dude! Graphius! Man, your entrance couldn’t’ve been better timed if you were Lenny and Squiggy.

LAUREN
You fool of an earthling! Don’t you realize with whom you are dealing? Our invasion of earth would’ve been child’s play compared to what they’re planning!

GRAPHIUS
Silence!

MOTHER
Lauren!

MADISON
Gross. You squished ’em. That’s not comin’ outta the rug.

GRAPHIUS
I detest the use of violence when the intellect can rule, but unfortunately, the Martians are a threat to us, and must be destroyed so that we may proceed with our own plan.

MADISON
Our own plan? So earth is gonna conquer Mars?

GRAPHIUS
Earth? Oh, my, no. You are far too primitive a species. You haven’t even launched satellites yet! How do you propose your species navigate “interstellar space travel”?

MADISON
I dunno. NASA? Star Trek Federation?

GRAPHIUS
Oh, my word. I haven’t laughed like that since my last visit to Saturn!

MADISON
Yeah, I’m just here for the laughs. Be sure to tip your waitress.

GRAPHIUS
Miss Standish, I’m a Venusian.

MADISON
So? You’re Italian.

GRAPHIUS
A representative of the planet Venus.

MADISON
I thought women were from Venus.

GRAPHIUS
Unfortunately for you, the Martians were right. They would simply have conquered and enslaved you, but we Venusians intend to exterminate you completely.

MADISON
You’re going to exterminate me completely?

GRAPHIUS
Well, all of your kind on Earth.

MADISON
But not the animals?

GRAPHIUS
Animals?

MADISON
Birds? Reptiles? Fish? In sci-fi, aliens always want to exterminate the human race. Like, that’s the worst thing that could happen. But if all the animals and stuff get to live here without people, you might be saving the earth.

GRAPHIUS
I’m pretty sure it means we want to exterminate every living thing on Earth.

MADISON
Plants, too?

GRAPHIUS
Well, no, uh… plants are fine.

MADISON
Then you might want to keep the bees. They’re needed for pollination.

GRAPHIUS
Miss Standish, I was about to let you go free, but if you keep this up, I’ll squish you myself.

MADISON
You’re cool if I leave?

GRAPHIUS
Yes.

MADISON
Really? What if I told people about your invasion?

GRAPHIUS
Who would you tell? The police?

MADISON
Ah. Good point. Kinda lost my sanity cred when I talked to that cop before.

GRAPHIUS
I am sorry for all of this. You have been quite helpful to the Venusian cause.

MADISON
Man. My first client as a full fledged detective and because I was so good at my job, the earth is gonna be destroyed.

GRAPHIUS
If it is any consolation, we are going to take over Mars next.

MADISON
Good. Those guys were jerks.

GRAPHIUS
If you don’t mind, I have a million things to do. What, with the preparations for destroying your planet and all.

MADISON
Oh, sure, I get it. No worries. I’ll just head out. Okay. The human race is about to be wiped out. Usually about this time the episode ends and I get zapped into the next show. Yup. Our heroine, Madison, never sticks around for the messy clean up. Her life is always spared as she goes on to her next adventure. Any time now.

BEAT COP
Ah. It’s you again. The one with the Martians.

MADISON
Actually, the Martians are dead. There’s a Venusian now. They’re going to invade Earth and destroy all life on our planet.

BEAT COP
Martians, now Venusians? Okay, I’ve heard enough. Come on.

MADISON
Are you taking me to the next old timey radio show?

BEAT COP
“Old timey”… Yes! Yes, that’s where I’m taking you.

MADISON
Great! Which one? I was leaning towards “Dangerous Assignment.”

BEAT COP
The show with Brian Donlevy?

MADISON
Yeah. I thought it would be fun to be a government agent.

BEAT COP
Oh, absolutely. Maybe they’d make you a liaison to Mars.

MADISON
Ya think?

BEAT COP
Sure. Here, you can have a ride in this patrol car.

COP IN CAR
Hey, O’Reilly, what’s all this about?

BEAT COP
This young lady–

MADISON
Madison Standish. Hey.

COP IN CAR
Eh, “Hey.”

BEAT COP
She needs a ride to uh…

MADISON
Dangerous Assignment.

BEAT COP
Bellevue Psychiatric Ward.

COP IN CAR
Ah. Gotcha.

MADISON
Thank you! You’ve been super nice, Officer. Especially after what happened earlier with the Martians.

COP IN CAR
Martians?

MADISON
Shouldn’t we be cutting to the ending music and the epilogue?

COP IN CAR
The uh… epilogue?

MADISON
Sure. Where I’d say: “X Minus One” ran on NBC from 1955 to 1958, producing 126 episodes. Initially a revival of NBC’s earlier science fiction show, “Dimension X,” “X Minus One” at first utilized many of the same scripts from the previous series, but quickly became a celebrated sci-fi show in its own right, still considered today as one of the best science fiction series of any medium. Our episode, “The Embassy,” was adapted to radio by George Lefferts, who also wrote “The Parade” for “Dimension X” which you can find
as our episode 13 from Year One.

COP IN CAR
Then what’s supposed to happen?

MADISON
Uh, I usually thank everyone for listening and tell them if they haven’t already, they should sign up for our newsletter to get sneak peeks and really cool Madison stuff. They can sign up for free on our website at Madison on the air dot com.

COP IN CAR
That’s it then?

MADISON
Then the credits.

COP IN CAR
Oh, where I’d say: “Madison on the Air was written and produced by Chrisi Talyn Saje with music composition and audio engineering by Jeremy Saje. The role of Madison Standish was played by Chrisi Talyn Saje. Karim Kronfli appeared as Graphius. Other actors in the cast were: Sharon Grunwald as the Martian Mother, Scott R. McKinley as Lauren, Scott Barry as Doolin, Marnie Warner as Judy, Patrick O’Riley as the Beat Cop, Andrew Chan as the opening narrator and police lieutenant, Shannon Perry as Helen and the sidewalk woman, and this is Jeremy Saje in the role of the cop in the car.”

MADISON
That was ah-mazing.

COP IN CAR
Why don’t you just sit back and relax? We’ll be at Bellevue in just a little bit.

MADISON
Bellevue? That where “Dangerous Assignment” is set?

COP IN CAR
Uh… sure.