MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES: THE DOUBLE ZERO”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JAN 2023
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes! And now let’s look in on our good friend and host, Dr. Watson.
MADISON
C’mon in!
ANNOUNCER
Oh, not again. You know, folks, perhaps we should skip our chat with Dr. Watson this week. You have other things you could be doing, right? When was the last time you cleaned your oven?
MADISON
Hey! Look who’s back!
ANNOUNCER
Yes… eh… hello, Miss Standish. Dr. Watson is out of town again?
MADISON
Yup!
ANNOUNCER
You’d think maybe he would’ve mentioned it to me.
MADISON
I told him not to. I wanted it to be a surprise.
ANNOUNCER
Did you, now?
MADISON
Uh-huh! And he knows you love hanging out with me. Come on inside! I have an ah-mazing Sherlock Holmes adventure to tell you.
ANNOUNCER
Dr. Watson’s dogs? They’re… uh…?
MADISON
He went to the country this time, so he took them with him. I’m sorry. I know you had so much fun with them on your last visit.
ANNOUNCER
Yes. Fun.
MADISON
C’mon. Sit down! Oh, not on the sofa. C’mere to the table.
ANNOUNCER
It looks like a regular gambling house in here.
MADISON
I know, right? Sherlock and I went to the French Riviera to a casino! So I thought, ya know, to get us in the mood for the story, you and I could play a little poker.
ANNOUNCER
Well, um, I don’t have any money on me to… uh… gamble.
MADISON
Not a problem. We’re playing strip poker.
ANNOUNCER
Pardon?
MADISON
And I don’t mean to brag, but, the Pikes from Pi Kappa Alpha, try as they might, never saw the girls outta the bra.
ANNOUNCER
Maybe this isn’t quite appropriate…
MADISON
Don’t worry, this is radio. The audience won’t see the size of your microphone. You can deal as I start the story.
ANNOUNCER
All right. Anything to get this over with.
MADISON
The adventure begins in the South of France in the year 1900. The French Riviera back then was like… Vegas before there was Vegas. Except without the red necks in flip flops gorging themselves at the buffets. In fact, everyone was really posh and dressed like they were going to prom or something. And the game everyone was playing was roulette.
ANNOUNCER
Um… how many cards am I dealing?
MADISON
First we gotta ante up. I’ll open with two shoes.
ANNOUNCER
Shoes?
MADISON
C’mon. What, ya got holes in your socks? Let’s go!
ANNOUNCER
All right.
MADISON
Now deal five cards. Two you can look at, three stay face down.
ANNOUNCER
How about you start the story?
MADISON
Deal the cards. Okay. Sherlock and I were at a small casino. It wasn’t Monte-Carlo, so not exactly the clientele from James Bond. More like where all the Bond girls who aren’t hot anymore go to still feel pretty by comparison. I was workin’ this one wheel and, naturally, Sherlock was giving me a hard time about it…
SCENE TWO
CROUPIER
Vingt-trois rouge.
SHERLOCK
Lost again, Madison.
MADISON
Hey! Don’t come at me with that negative energy! If you wanna jinx somebody, go after Miss Peacock Feathers over there. Thanks to her, there’s a bird somewhere with a naked butt.
SHERLOCK
Why don’t you cut your losses and come for a stroll with me on the waterfront?
MADISON
N-n-no. I’m feelin’ it. This table is warmin’ up to me. Ten black is gonna hit.
SHERLOCK
Madison, I think the blood of a gambler courses through your veins.
MADISON
I’d do better with another highball coursing through my veins.
SHERLOCK
Be careful, or you’ll deplete the South of France of all of its whisky.
MADISON
If you’re not gonna get me a refill, why don’t you place a bet? Here, you can have some of my Napoleon chips.
SHERLOCK
Those are Francs.
MADISON
Who’s “Franc”? This is a picture of Napoleon. I know what he looks like. I’ve seen “Bill and Ted.”
SHERLOCK
All the same, the law of averages convinces me that my money is safer in my pocket. In any case, I’m a little dubious as to the integrity of this particular casino.
MADISON
Pretend I’m not a thesaurus.
SHERLOCK
Well, you will observe that this roulette wheel has a double zero. Most continental wheels only have a single one. This would indicate that this house is extremely concerned with its percentage.
MADISON
So, I should bet on double zero?
SHERLOCK
That’s not what I–
MADISON
Double zero it is! Thanks, Sherlock!
CROUPIER
Faites vos jeux!
SHERLOCK
With your level of gambling skills, perhaps you should allow me to hold on to your remaining “Napoleon chips.”
HENRICK
Why do you not stand on the other side of the table? Why must you always stand next to me?
SHERLOCK
Hello, what’s the trouble there?
MADISON
Ah, man. Fights in casinos never end well. Their security is almost as good as Disneyland. But the mob ain’t got nothin’ on Mickey.
SHERLOCK
You’ve placed your bet, let’s see what this is all about.
HENRICK
Please, sir, why do you play here beside me?
ROGER
I’m afraid I don’t see any reason why I can’t play wherever I wish.
HENRICK
You have broken my luck ever since you’ve come to the table. I’ve done nothing but lose. Please, to move away.
ROGER
Oh, move away yourself if you don’t like my company.
ELSA
Henrik, why you not stop now? You’ve already lost more than we can afford.
HENRICK
Eins more throw, Elsa. I can win it all back if only this young man would move away!
HELEN
Why should my husband move? He’s had a run of bad luck, too.
CROUPIER
Les jeux sont faits, rien ne va plus.
SHERLOCK
Gamblers certainly are a superstitious lot.
MADISON
Ya wanna try dialing down that pompous logic? It’s deafening.
CROUPIER
Dix noir.
SHERLOCK
Ah, you’ve lost again, Madison.
MADISON
Ten black! Dude! Sherlock! You totally tanked my bet!
SHERLOCK
It seems you are not the only one with bad luck.
ELSA
Henrik, you must stop now! Please!
HENRICK
Yah. I must stop, Elsa, because I have lost everything. I hope you’re satisfied, Herr American. You’ve broken my luck and ruined me. I hope that you will be ruined, too!
ELSA
Henrik, Henrik! Wait for me!
SHERLOCK
My. What a display.
ROGER
Were you listening to him, sir? Have you ever heard such rubbish?
MADISON
All night I was playing ten black and then you had to come along and screw it all up!
SHERLOCK
Yes, I believe I have heard such rubbish.
MADISON
The brilliant Sherlock Holmes! You owe me a hundred Napoleon chips!
ROGER
Sherlock Holmes? Well, it’s an honor to meet you, sir. My name is Gilbert, Roger Gilbert. And this is my wife, Helen.
HELEN
How do you do?
SHERLOCK
How do you do? This is my… um… this is Madison Standish.
MADISON
S’up.
HELEN
Didn’t you think that German man’s remarks were a little bit out of place?
MADISON
No. Bad luck is real. My junior year, high school our football team was losing every game. Then one night as my cheer squad was working our butts off to motivate the crowd, Britney Romano tried to go into a back handspring but didn’t keep her arms straight, so she totally came down on her head and was like, unconscious for two minutes. She went to the hospital, and after that, we came back and won the game!
SHERLOCK
Madison, I really think that–
MADISON
Don’t interrupt, you jinx. While she was on medical leave, we started winning. Then it was the playoffs and she was finally able to cheer again, right? Well, we started losing! So, as cheer captain, I had to make the hard decision.
SHERLOCK
Please, tell me you didn’t.
MADISON
Of course I did! The football team went on to win state, and Britney eventually got most of her motor skills back.
SHERLOCK
Thank you for that… colorful tale.
MADISON
Go, West Beverly High!
SHERLOCK
But, if I may return to the situation at hand, I must admit I didn’t like the look on that gentleman’s face as he left the table. Mr. Gilbert, do you have any idea who he is?
ROGER
His name is Schrader. He’s staying at the same hotel as we are. I’ve never spoken to him, but I’ve heard him being paged there.
HELEN
Well, he shouldn’t gamble unless he can afford to lose.
MADISON
Exactly. Like, don’t join the cheer squad if you aren’t willing to put the football team first.
ROGER
I’m losing, darling, and I can’t afford it.
HELEN
Oh, but I can let you have more money. You know that.
MADISON
Ooo. Married into money? You dirty rotten scoundrel.
ROGER
Helen, I may have married an heiress, but I am not going to use your fortune to gamble with. I’ll lose my own money, and then I’ll quit.
MADISON
Good call. Save her bucks for buying yachts and investing in pyramid schemes.
CROUPIER
Mesdames et Messieurs, Faites vos jeux!
SHERLOCK
Your last bet, Madison?
MADISON
Yes! And I’m gonna bet ten black again like I should’ve last time.
SHERLOCK
But, Madison, the statistical probability of the same number winning twice in a row–
MADISON
Never tell me the odds! I play the evens.
CROUPIER
Les jeux sont faits, rien ne va plus.
MADISON
C’mon, ten black!
CROUPIER
Onze noir.
MADISON
Eleven black! That’s it, Sherlock. You’ve got bad juju.
ROGER
I’ve lost again, darn it. Helen, this is my bad night.
HELEN
Why don’t you stop now, dear?
SHERLOCK
Yes, Madison, I would advise you to do the same.
MADISON
Might as well. You’ve totally skunked up this table. I shoulda done to you what I did to Britney, but I don’t have a Gatorade bottle.
ROGER
Say, what’s the commotion over there?
HELEN
It’s that German woman with a crowd forming around her.
CROUPIER
Atención! Atención! y a-t-il un médecin dans la maison?
SHERLOCK
I wonder what the trouble is. He’s asking if there’s a doctor in the house.
MADISON
He said “maison.” Madison. He’s calling for me. ‘Scuse me.
SHERLOCK
Madison! That’s not what–
MADISON
Excuse me! Excuse me! Move your butts, see-voo-play! You called for Madison, I’m here. What’s the problem?
CROUPIER
Etes-vous un docteur?
SHERLOCK
No, she most certainly is not a doctor.
MADISON
What’s up? What happened?
SHERLOCK
Madison! Don’t–
ELSA
It is my husband!
MADISON
The German-dude?
ELSA
Yah, yah. I just found him lying out in the garden. Please come with me at once!
SHERLOCK
Of course we will, Madam. What seems to be the matter with him?
ELSA
I… I think he is dead.
MADISON
Oh, man. Then you don’t need me. You need a doctor.
SCENE THREE
ELSA
He’s lying by that tree. Please, see if you can help him. Please!
MADISON
I thought you said he was dead. What do you want us to help with? Funeral arrangements?
SHERLOCK
Somebody else seems to be on the scene before us. Who are you, sir?
BAUDELAIRE
I am Monsieur Baudelaire, the director of the casino. Do any of you know this poor man?
ELSA
Yah, yah, I am his wife. Is he… is he dead?
BAUDELAIRE
I am afraid so, Madame.
ELSA
You are certain?
MADISON
Okay, outta the way. I’ll take a look.
SHERLOCK
I’m sure if Frau Schrader required a second opinion, Madison, yours is not the one she’d be seeking.
MADISON
Dude, there’s been a dead person in pretty much every single episode I’ve done of these old timey radio shows. And they say modern audiences are obsessed with crime shows? You people got blood on your hands.
BAUDELAIRE
Was your husband gambling in the casino tonight, Madame?
ELSA
Yah, yah, he- he was. Poor Henrik. He lose everything that, that we have.
MADISON
Up, yup. Totes dead on our arrival. Look. He’s shot through the heart, and he’s to blame. Fräulein, he gives death a bad name.
SHERLOCK
A bad name? Suicide?
MADISON
That’s my guess.
ELSA
Ach du lieber, Gott!
SHERLOCK
Hmm. Yes, powder burns on the shirt front, revolver clutched to the right hand, fingers in an unnatural position. The angle of the wound settles it. Obviously self-inflicted.
ROGER
I missed you as you slipped out of the casino. What’s wrong with him?
SHERLOCK
I’m afraid he’s dead, Mr. Gilbert.
ELSA
Yah, yah he committed suicide. I hope, young man, that you are satisfied. All night you brought him bad luck. He asked you to move away from him to change his luck, but, no, you could not do it!
ROGER
Frau Schrader, I’m terribly sorry, but I really don’t see how you can blame me.
MADISON
Dude, you coulda moved. Instead you doubled down like an election denier.
ELSA
I do blame you. And I also blame you, Monsieur Baudelaire.
BAUDELAIRE
Me? But what I have I done, Madame?
ELSA
Why, why do you let a man lose all his money at your tables? Is life so cheap to you, and money so important, that you cannot close the tables to someone before he’s ruined?
BAUDELAIRE
Madame. I have all sympathy for you and your tragic loss, but the casino cannot be held responsible. If your husband cannot afford to gamble, then he should not come here. How are we to know the financial limitations of our customers?
MADISON
Yeah, gotta side with the French dude on that one. It’s like blaming McDonald’s for getting you fat. They just make the Big Macs. You’re the one who ate ’em. Now I’m hungry.
SHERLOCK
You say that your husband lost everything you had tonight, Madame?
ELSA
Yah, everything.
SHERLOCK
Then how do you account for this sheaf of bank notes in his breast pocket?
MADISON
Dude! Look at all that French dinero!
ROGER
Then he wasn’t ruined.
BAUDELAIRE
And his suicide, therefore, cannot be blamed on his losses at my casino, Madame.
SHERLOCK
How do you account for this money, Frau Schrader?
ELSA
I… I do not understand. Henrik kept nothing from me. You see, I know that he did not have so much money on him when he started tonight. Why do you all look at me like that?!
ROGER
She fainted!
MADISON
I had the same reaction when my ex-boyfriend said he couldn’t help with the rent, but then I found out he spent his entire paycheck on a hooker.
SHERLOCK
We should get this poor woman to her hotel room.
MADISON
Not a cheap hooker, either. One of those “escorts”. Like, I woulda done those things for him if I knew he’d pay for it.
BAUDELAIRE
Please, you can take her to my suite in the casino.
ROGER
No, let’s take her to the hotel. The poor woman, she’s had a dreadful shock. My wife will look after her.
SHERLOCK
That’s very considerate of you Mr. Gilbert.
MADISON
I don’t know if it’s “considerate” for him to volunteer his wife without asking her.
SHERLOCK
Where are you staying?
ROGER
At the Hotel Créon. It’s quite near here.
SHERLOCK
I’ll get a cab, and while I’m doing that, Madison, see if you can revive her, will you?
MADISON
Sure. Us women are just here to serve. But this time I’m charging escort prices.
SCENE FOUR
SHERLOCK
It’s very kind of you, Mrs. Gilbert, to let us bring the poor lady into your suite.
MADISON
Like she had a choice?
HELEN
Well, it’s the least I can do, in spite of what she said about Roger bringing her husband bad luck.
ROGER
I’m sure she’ll need your help when she wakes up, Helen.
MADISON
I slipped her a Xanax I had in my purse. That should knock her out for a while.
SHERLOCK
Madison, perhaps you should refrain from prescribing medication to anyone?
MADISON
Oh, please. It’s 1900. You treat syphilis with mercury. In my day, I got penicillin. Thanks to that “escort.”
ROGER
My wife and I were just about to have a drink. Would you two care to join us?
SHERLOCK
Oh, thank you, sir.
MADISON
Dude, read my mind. Whatcha got that’ll hit hard and fast? And can be mixed with Xanax? I took a couple, myself.
ROGER
I’ll… see what we’ve got.
HELEN
Roger was just telling me that quite a large sum of money was found on Herr Schrader’s body, Mr. Holmes.
SHERLOCK
Oh, yes, Mrs. Gilbert. Several thousand francs.
HELEN
But I thought he’d lost all of his money, and that’s why he committed suicide.
MADISON
One of my sister’s hamsters committed suicide. He had a warm bed of wood shavings, a wheel to run on, a never ending supply of food nuggets… But I guess it just wasn’t enough for Squeaker.
SHERLOCK
I think the answer is obvious, Mrs. Gilbert. He didn’t.
HELEN
Didn’t commit suicide?
SHERLOCK
Didn’t have a large sum of money.
MADISON
Uh… yes, he did. You were the one who found it. Dude, Sherlock, did you grab one of my Xanax?
SHERLOCK
What I mean is, the money was placed there after he had shot himself. The bank notes were in his breast pocket, a highly unusual place to carry money. Although, it is the easiest pocket for someone to insert the money into without disturbing the body.
HELEN
But why on earth should someone place the money on him after his suicide?
SHERLOCK
To prevent the casino from getting a bad name. I’ve heard of it being done on several similar occasions. It gives the impression that the unfortunate victim had other motives than gambling losses to account for his suicide.
HELEN
So, one of the casino employees found the body lying there and put the money in his breast pocket?
SHERLOCK
I’m not a gambling man, but I’ll lay you a hundred to one that is what happened.
MADISON
Not surprising. One night at Applebee’s, this guy had a heart attack. My manager quickly slipped a grilled chicken tender salad on his table so it wouldn’t look like the heart attack was caused by his four servings of baby back ribs.
ROGER
Well, that’s a new one for me, anyway, Mr. Holmes. Here are your drinks.
SHERLOCK
Thank you.
MADISON
Ooo… this’ll ease me into unconsciousness quite nicely, thank you.
ROGER
Say, Helen, Herr Schrader has given me a brain wave.
HELEN
Another one? What is it this time, Roger?
ROGER
Now, I’ve been losing very heavily tonight.
MADISON
Ditto. No thanks to the great louse detective.
SHERLOCK
As you may recall, Madison, I encouraged you not to gamble at all.
ROGER
Wait, listen! This is a great idea! What do you think of my going down to gamble again tonight, and after I lose, I stain my shirt with red ink, walk out on the grounds, fire a shot and lie down as though I’m dead?
HELEN
Roger, whatever for?
ROGER
Don’t you see? I just need to lie there and wait for a casino employee to come along and stuff my pockets full of bank notes! Then I haven’t lost at all!
HELEN
Roger, you’re not really going to do it, are you?
MADISON
Dude! That is freakin’ brilliant! I’ve faked my own death tons of times to get out of math tests, but never thought of doing it for money.
SCENE FIVE
CROUPIER
Quatorze rouge.
MADISON
Dammit!
SHERLOCK
My dear, Madison, you’ll have to sell matchsticks in Piccadilly Circus to make up for your gambling losses tonight.
MADISON
I’m not ready to tap out yet.
SHERLOCK
I can tell you a really infallible way of making money at roulette.
MADISON
Really? Let’s hear it.
SHERLOCK
Simple. Own the gambling house and operate the tables yourself. The odds would be all in your favor.
MADISON
Next you’ll tell me the sure-fire way to make it in Hollywood is to have a famous parent.
CROUPIER
Mesdames et Messieurs, Faites vos jeux!
SHERLOCK
About done gambling tonight, Madison? It’s almost eleven o’clock.
MADISON
A few more minutes and then I’ll try that “faking a suicide” idea.
SHERLOCK
Then you’ll be gambling that your acting skills are better than your gambling skills.
MADISON
Just don’t investigate my death too closely and give away the ending before the pay off, okay?
SHERLOCK
By the way, the young American, Mr. Gilbert was losing heavily again tonight, too.
MADISON
Is it really losing if you have a Sugar Mama to pick up the tab?
SHERLOCK
Perhaps without any real risk, his interest in gambling cooled. I saw him leave the tables about half an hour ago.
MADISON
Ooo, speaking of the bottomless ATM, here comes Mrs. Gilbert.
SHERLOCK
Yes. And on the arm of Monsieur Baudelaire.
CROUPIER
Les jeux sont faits, rien ne va plus.
SHERLOCK
Good evening, Mrs. Gilbert, Monsieur Baudelaire.
BAUDELAIRE
Bonsoir, Monsieur.
HELEN
Hello, again.
CROUPIER
Trente-quatre rouge.
MADISON
Dammit!
HELEN
Oh, no. Losing again, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Ooo, watch out, Sherlock. She’s so perceptive she might put you out of the detective business.
HELEN
You should cut your losses and join us. Monsieur Baudelaire has been giving me a personally conducted tour of the casino. It’s quite fascinating.
BAUDELAIRE
And it is quite fascinating for me to have so beautiful a woman on my arm, Mademoiselle. I know I am the envy of all the men in the room!
HELEN
Oh, stop flattering me so much. I’m not used to it!
MADISON
Heh, heh, heh. How’s your husband, Mrs. Gilbert?
HELEN
Roger? Isn’t he here?
SHERLOCK
Uh, no, Mrs. Gilbert. He left the tables some time ago. But tell me, how is Frau Schrader?
HELEN
She’s seems much better. She awakened an hour ago and insisted on going back to her own room. I wanted her to spend the night with us in our suite, but she wouldn’t hear of it.
CROUPIER
Faites vos jeux!
BAUDELAIRE
Have you finished gambling for tonight, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Uh… yeah. Couldn’t catch a break. Darn it. I lost a lot of money and I’m really bummed about it. Like… really bummed.
SHERLOCK
You shan’t be expecting any calls from the West End for that performance.
MADISON
You remember I’m carrying a gun, right?
BAUDELAIRE
Oh, I am so sorry for your unfortunate luck at my tables.
MADISON
Yeah. Breaks your heart to take all my money, doesn’t it?
ELSA
Mrs. Gilbert! Mrs. Gilbert!
SHERLOCK
Frau Schrader! Shame on you. You shouldn’t have left your hotel.
ELSA
It is too late to worry for me. It is for Mrs. Gilbert now that you should worry!
BAUDELAIRE/MADISON
What do you mean?
MADISON
Oh, good. I’m not the only one that thought what she said got lost in the translation.
ELSA
You see, I went back just now to where poor Henrik died and there lying in the grass, I saw another body. I was too shocked to go too close, I am quite sure that I recognized your husband, Mrs. Gilbert!
HELEN
Oh, Mr. Holmes! Roger must’ve gone through with his little scheme!
MADISON
Dammit! I was gonna do that! We can’t have a third suicide in the courtyard. It’ll look like Heaven’s Gate saw another comet.
SHERLOCK
Let’s go at once and find out what exactly happened, shall we?
MADISON
Now the only way I can make back my losses is by stealing all the bagels from the hotel’s continental breakfast.
SCENE SIX
HELEN
There he is, lying in the grass.
SHERLOCK
Strange that he wouldn’t have gotten up as soon as Frau Schrader discovered his performance.
MADISON
He’s like a stand-up doing his whole set to the waitstaff. He got his stage time and he’s gonna use it.
HELEN
It’s a most convincing spectacle. That red ink really does look like blood.
SHERLOCK
Yes, and blood sometimes looks like red ink. Mr. Gilbert?
HELEN
Roger, get up. The jokes spoiled. Roger, get up!
SHERLOCK
I’m afraid that’s impossible, Mrs. Gilbert. He’s dead.
MADISON
Okay, I’ll admit. That’s a level of commitment I wasn’t willing to give to the role.
PROMO BREAK: MUTUAL AUDIO NETWORK
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
C’mon. It’s your call.
ANNOUNCER
Do… do you think we could put another log on the fire?
MADISON
I didn’t tell you go to all in with your cardigan.
ANNOUNCER
I was more thinking of my p-p-pants.
MADISON
Sherlock says I’m a bad actor, but I’ve managed to bluff you on like, five hands! Truth be told, I had you pegged as a boxers guy.
ANNOUNCER
Maybe we should just… call it a night before frostbite kicks in?
MADISON
You don’t wanna know what happened?
ANNOUNCER
The German was dead. The American was dead. Incredible story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
MADISON
No, wait! This is when it starts to get good.
ANNOUNCER
Very well. But before you go on, could I maybe borrow that blanket from the couch?
MADISON
That would be cheating. You don’t want me to tell Dr. Watson that you were cheating at cards, do you?
ANNOUNCER
If it prevents pneumonia.
MADISON
It’s not that much longer. We’re already in the second act. Deal it up and I’ll continue the story.
ANNOUNCER
I can’t feel my fingers.
MADISON
Okay, so right after we found Roger’s body, they called for the local police and this inspector dude showed up.
GARNIER
Monsieur Holmes, you have concluded your examination?
SHERLOCK
Yes, Inspector Garnier.
MADISON
I checked him out, too.
GARNIER
Will you favor me with your observations?
MADISON
Sure. The… uh… lack of breathing on the part of the… person-in-question, in conjunction with the excessive amount of blood outside, rather than inside, said person–
SHERLOCK
I believe the inspector was addressing me.
MADISON
Oh, what’s to observe? Dude’s dead. Roll the credits.
GARNIER
Monsieur Holmes, you say that you are certain that this is not another suicide?
SHERLOCK
I’m sure if it, Inspector. Look at the wound. The bullet entered the body at a direct right angle, whereas a self-inflicted shot is always fired obliquely.
GARNIER
Then you suggest that this man was shot from above as he lay on the ground, pretending to be dead?
SHERLOCK
I’m convinced of it.
MADISON
I’m not. I didn’t see him pretending to be dead, so I’m not sure his performance was convincing.
GARNIER
I think I agree with the Mademoiselle.
MADISON
HA!
SHERLOCK
Well, then, allow me to explain.
MADISON
You can never not be right, can you, Sherlock?
SHERLOCK
I will give you two reasons. Though it’s impossible to be sure without a laboratory test, I’m certain that beneath those blood stains are stains of red ink. Look for yourself, Inspector.
GARNIER
Oui. Indeed, it does look like it. What is your other reason for being certain this man was shot as he lay here, pretending death?
SHERLOCK
Show him the bank notes, Madison.
MADISON
Here ya go.
GARNIER
Five hundred Francs?
SHERLOCK
Five hundred? Madison…
MADISON
Oh, look. Another five hundred in my pocket. Must’ve gotten stuck.
SHERLOCK
Hardly valuable currency any longer. You’ll notice the bullet hole through the middle of them, Inspector.
GARNIER
How many people knew of this little plot you two have told me about? The plan of this dead man to be pretend to be shot.
SHERLOCK
Just three people, Inspector. Miss Standish, myself and Mrs. Gilbert.
GARNIER
If it was just you three who knew of the plot, then it must be the wife who killed him.
MADISON
What about Mrs. German-Dude? She was in the other room when Roger brought up the whole “faking his death” plan. I’d given her a Xanax, but I’ve taken whole final exams on Xanax and tequila. I mean, I didn’t pass the tests, but that’s really more about my epic lack of studying.
GARNIER
Well, from what you have told me about her husband’s suicide, she might have had motive for murdering this man.
SHERLOCK
Come, come, both of you. Surely it’s obvious who murdered Mr. Gilbert.
GARNIER
Who, Monsieur Holmes?
MADISON
He’s not gonna just tell you. He’s gonna make a huge presentation about it. Bring in all the suspects, give you a bunch of red herrings. Uck. Talk about over-acting.
SHERLOCK
Well, thank you for deflating my dramatic moment. If you’d like to know who the murderer is, you’ll find me in the casino.
MADISON
Sorry, Inspector. He’s a total narcissist. But when people like that are useful, we give ’em a free pass.
GARNIER
Meh. If he can wrap this up, I can go to bed.
SCENE EIGHT
SHERLOCK
Well, Monsieur Baudelaire, now that we are all assembled in your office, I shall sit down quietly and let Inspector Garnier conduct his examination.
GARNIER
I see what you mean. He is… un connard.
MADISON
With a capital “Cuh.”
GARNIER
No, no, Monsieur Holmes. You have conducted the case so far. Please, continue it to the end.
MADISON
Nice one.
GARNIER
I haven’t even had supper tonight. I just want to go home.
BAUDELAIRE
I agree with the Inspector. Monsieur Holmes, I should appreciate it, on behalf of the casino, if you finished the case.
SHERLOCK
Very well, gentleman, it won’t take me long. Frau Schrader?
ELSA
Yah, Herr Holmes?
SHERLOCK
At what time did you leave your hotel tonight?
ELSA
I do not know what time it was.
SHERLOCK
Well, what made you leave it?
ELSA
I could not sleep. I knew that they had taken poor Henrik’s body away, but I felt that I must walk back there. It was the last place I saw him alive.
SHERLOCK
How close did you come to Mr. Gilbert’s body when you saw it lying there?
ELSA
I came close enough to see who it was. Then I ran into the casino to tell his wife. I knew what had happened.
SHERLOCK
How did you know? You just said you didn’t come close to the body.
GARNIER
He certainly drags this out, no?
MADISON
He likes to hear himself talk. Almost as much as a podcaster.
ELSA
I could tell by every line of the body as it lay there. I could tell because I, I knew that poor Henrik’s death would not be avenged!
SHERLOCK
Thank you, Frau Schrader, that will be all. You’re free to go.
GARNIER
“Free to go”? Monsieur Holmes, she has no alibi! Surely–
SHERLOCK
Inspector Garnier. If I am to conduct this investigation, I must do it my way. You may go, Frau Schrader.
ELSA
Danke schön. Danke.
GARNIER
Un connard.
MADISON
Yeah, try spending a whole episode with him.
SHERLOCK
Mrs. Gilbert.
HELEN
Yes, Mr. Holmes?
SHERLOCK
Where were you prior to our meeting at the casino tonight? Just before we discovered your husband’s body.
HELEN
After I left the hotel, I walked over here along the seafront.
SHERLOCK
Can anyone verify that statement?
HELEN
I suppose not. I didn’t meet anyone that I knew.
SHERLOCK
And what did you do when you arrived at the casino?
GARNIER
Why not ask her if she… had eggs for breakfast!
MADISON
It’s aggravating how he drags it out, isn’t it? Like, three movies for “The Hobbit” aggravating.
HELEN
I tried my luck at a few spins of roulette, and then Monsieur Baudelaire came over to the table and asked if he might escort me through the club. Ten minutes after that, we walked into you and Miss Standish.
BAUDELAIRE
That is quite true, Monsieur Holmes. I can swear to it.
SHERLOCK
Thank you, Mrs. Gilbert. I’m sorry to distress you with these questions. You may go.
GARNIER
She may go?
HELEN
I’ll wait outside, Mr. Holmes. I must know what happened.
GARNIER
A few simple questions and another suspect is out the door?
MADISON
He’s gotta be gettin’ to the murderer. We’re runnin’ outta people.
BAUDELAIRE
Wait for me outside, Madame. I shall join you in a few moments and escort you home.
HELEN
Thank you, Monsieur Baudelaire.
SHERLOCK
Oh, well, another suspect with a poor alibi, eh, Garnier?
GARNIER
Oui. I must say, Monsieur Holmes, your methods puzzle me. And your attitude is… how you say–
MADISON
British?
GARNIER
Oui.
SHERLOCK
Please, don’t worry, Inspector. I’ve asked two of your plain clothed men to keep an eye on the ladies.
GARNIER
You gave orders to my men?
MADISON
Wait till he reveals the murderer. Then you can have him deported.
SHERLOCK
And now, Monsieur Baudelaire. I’d like to ask you a few questions.
BAUDELAIRE
Ask me any questions you wish, Monsieur Holmes.
SHERLOCK
Thank you. You will agree, that it is the custom of this casino to put money on the bodies of suicides after their death, to give the impression that gambling losses were not responsible for the tragedy?
BAUDELAIRE
Well, I… I… do not think…
GARNIER
Oh, come now, Baudelaire. I know that is a fact, as well as you do.
MADISON
You let him get away with it?
GARNIER
Do you know how much paperwork is involved in every call we get?
MADISON
Somebody’s up past his bed time.
SHERLOCK
Now, Baudelaire, on those rather gruesome occasions, whose responsibility is it to secrete the money?
MADISON
“Secrete?” Ew…
SHERLOCK
“To deposit or conceal in a hiding place.” Madison, please, you’re interruptions are dragging out this whole affair.
MADISON
Oh… no. No, he did not.
GARNIER
But, oui. He did.
MADISON
Connard!
GARNIER
Close.
BAUDELAIRE
Oui, Monsieur Holmes, I put the money on the body myself.
SHERLOCK
Did you place the money on Herr Schrader tonight?
BAUDELAIRE
Oui, Monsieur, I did.
SHERLOCK
And did you also perform the same service on the body of Mr. Gilbert?
BAUDELAIRE
No! I knew nothing of that death until Frau Schrader came running into the casino.
GARNIER
Excuse me for interrupting, Monsieur Holmes.
SHERLOCK
Inspector, what is it?
GARNIER
I think that you were wasting time. It is obvious that Madame Gilbert committed the crime. She knew of her husband’s plot, she had no alibi and she had the motive.
MADISON
What motive? N-n-no, it was Frau German-lady. Remember when she was over her dead husband’s body and was like, “By Grabthar’s hammer, by the suns of Worvan, you shall be avenged!”
BAUDELAIRE
Oui, Monsieur Holmes. I remember that!
SHERLOCK
No, you don’t.
BAUDELAIRE
And besides, Madame Gilbert did not kill her husband. I know it.
SHERLOCK
How do you know?
BAUDELAIRE
I was with her myself at the time the murder was committed.
SHERLOCK
Indeed? How very interesting. And what time was the murder committed?
BAUDELAIRE
Well… it was… uh…
SHERLOCK
Our investigations have never established what time the murder was committed, Monsieur Baudelaire.
MADISON
Oh… snap.
SHERLOCK
I’m afraid you’ve walked into my trap. You’ve given yourself away.
MADISON
See, Inspector, he’s good with the pay off.
GARNIER
Baudelaire, I’ve known you a good many years. I cannot believe you would do this… to me! I’m going to be up all night filling out paperwork for your arrest!
BAUDELAIRE
No, you’re not, Garnier.
MADISON
Whoa! Dude’s got a gun! Take ’em out, Inspector!
BAUDELAIRE
Do not be frightened, Miss Standish. I’m not going to shoot any of you.
MADISON
Oh, okay, feeling much better.
SHERLOCK
Baudelaire, why did you murder Roger Gilbert tonight?
BAUDELAIRE
Surely you know that, too, Monsieur Holmes. Because I am in love with his wife.
MADISON
Ooo. Who had love triangle on their bingo card?
BAUDELAIRE
Helen is young and beautiful and rich… it did not occur to me to do anything about it until I saw that young fool lying there, pretending to be dead. You see, in my profession, it is natural that I should carry a revolver. What could be simpler? Mr. Gilbert gave me the perfect opportunity. I could not resist it.
GARNIER
Put down that revolver, Baudelaire.
BAUDELAIRE
Why are you all so frightened? Surely you know how I’m going to use it this time.
SHERLOCK
I think so, Monsieur, but it’s a coward’s way out.
BAUDELAIRE
What an unperceptive remark for such a perceptive man. No, no, all my life I have been a gambler. I gamble tonight for the highest stakes of all and I lost. I am not afraid to pay for my losses. Au revoir, Monsieur!
MADISON
So glad we came to the French Riviera, Sherlock. I’ll always remember the beautiful sea, the glamorous hotels, and how I had to spend all night picking brain matter out of my hair.
SCENE NINE
ANNOUNCER
What an extraordinary case. I never would have suspected Baudelaire.
MADISON
I know, right? Like, just because Helen was nice to him, he thought if he killed her husband, what? She’d run away with him? That’s delusion level: serial killer.
ANNOUNCER
Well, I guess it’s time for me to go now.
MADISON
Don’t you wanna know how Sherlock figured out it was him?
ANNOUNCER
Can I start getting dressed while you tell me?
MADISON
Getting dressed? Dude, you lost your clothes to me betting at poker. You don’t get ’em back.
ANNOUNCER
What? But… but I thought the game was all in fun.
MADISON
It was fun. I won all your clothes. And I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. It is cold in here.
ANNOUNCER
You’ll have me go home through the streets of London without any clothing?
MADISON
Okay. I’ll give you one chance to win all your clothes back.
ANNOUNCER
What do I have to do?
MADISON
Tell me how you think Sherlock figured out the murderer was Baudelaire.
ANNOUNCER
You said the bank notes had a bullet hole through them?
MADISON
Uh-huh.
ANNOUNCER
And Baudelaire admitted he always put bank notes on the suicide victims.
MADISON
Right…
ANNOUNCER
So, he saw Mr. Gilbert lying there from an apparent suicide, placed the bank notes in his pocket, then realized Gilbert wasn’t dead, and stood over him and shot him, thus creating a bullet hole in the money.
MADISON
Well done! Here’s your clothes.
ANNOUNCER
Where’s my underwear?
MADISON
What? I can’t keep a souvenir?
ANNOUNCER
Fine. Keep them.
MADISON
Wait! You’re supposed to ask me about next week’s episode of Sherlock Holmes.
ANNOUNCER
I’ll tell you about “next week’s episode”! An announcer, who comes to Dr. Watson’s flat to hear stories about Sherlock Holmes, but instead is routinely humiliated by a young blonde girl, murders her and no one ever finds her body!
MADISON
Spoilers!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes aired from 1939 through 1950 for a total of 374 episodes. The series had several sponsors along the way, and our episode of “The Double Zero” was sponsored by Petri Wine. In order to weave the sponsor’s promotion into the series, the show was bookended with Dr. Watson telling his adventures directly to the Petri Wine spokesman, simulating Watson’s narration in the original Holmes tales. Of course, the sponsors of the radio series were definitely not subjected to dealing with someone like me.