MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE SAINT: THE CORPSE SAID OUCH”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: SEP 2021
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The Adventures of the Saint. The Robin Hood of modern crime starring Hollywood’s brilliant and talented actor, Vincent Price as… The Saint!
MADISON
Uh… yeah… no. Vincent Price is way dead. Obviously. But he is the most famous actor to play the Saint on radio. So, the Saint’s a guy who helps anyone in need for free, or gives the money away to charity. I guess he’s called the “Robin Hood of modern crime” because in some versions he’s like, a thief with honor? I dunno. Whatever the reason, it totes worked out for me. Wait till you hear what happened.
SIMON
I’m not home. It’s the middle of the night and I’m asleep! I’m in Schenectady sitting up with a sick aunt!
MADISON
Hey.
SIMON
Hey?
MADISON
Are you that Saint guy?
SIMON
I’m Simon Templar, yes. Would you like to come in? At one a.m. this hallway lighting brings out the bags under my eyes.
MADISON
It really does. You could be in horror movies.
SIMON
Incredible idea. I’ll call Hollywood. Please, come in.
MADISON
Dude, I need your help like, majorly.
SIMON
And why is that?
MADISON
Because I’m dead.
SIMON
You’re… what?
MADISON
Dead.
SIMON
Now who should be in the horror pictures?
MADISON
Saint–
SIMON
Simon.
MADISON
Whatever. Look, normally I find out people are dead on social media and if it’s a hoax, you can fact check it on Google, right?
SIMON
My dear, you’re not only dead, but you’re speaking in tongues.
MADISON
Okay, well, the point is I saw this in a newspaper and without the internet, I’m totally lost what to do about it.
SIMON
Might I venture to peruse this newspaper?
MADISON
Yeah, yeah– it’s right there towards the bottom.
SIMON
Ah, the obituaries. Let’s see. Says here that the body of Madison Standish is at the Rest Well Chapel, burial at noon tomorrow.
MADISON
Why would a newspaper say I’m dead?
SIMON
I wouldn’t take it personally.
MADISON
I’ve been really unclear about the rules in these old timey radio shows.
SIMON
“Old timey”?
MADISON
Maybe I am dead. I mean, what if it’s true? That might explain how I got here in the first place. Like here isn’t actually here. Maybe these old timey shows are like, the blip of consciousness just before my brain dies.
SIMON
Madison, come here a moment.
MADISON
Yeah, okay.
SIMON
Thank you.
MADISON
Maybe this newspaper is trying to tell my dying brain to let go so I can be released and finally find peace and– Ouch! You freakin’ pinched me!
SIMON
Yes, I did. And I’ve never heard a corpse say “ouch” before. Therefore, you’re not dead.
MADISON
That’s it? That proves I’m not dead?
SIMON
Well, there is one more step we can take to prove it. We should go on a visit.
MADISON
What do you mean, “a visit”?
SIMON
To your corpse.
MADISON
Wait! I thought if you time travel and see yourself you like, break the time continuum or something?
SIMON
I won’t tell H.G. Wells if you won’t.
MADISON
Who’s that? Was he in “Back to the Future” or am I thinking of “Hot Tub Time Machine”?
SCENE TWO
SIMON
Taxi! Taxi!
MADISON
What are you doing?
SIMON
I’m hailing a cab.
LOUIE
Day or night, rain or shine–
SIMON
Never mind, Louie.
MADISON
And you know the driver?! How did you do that without an Uber or Lyft app? Are you sure this show is “The Saint”? Because it’s feeling really “Twilight Zone-y”.
SIMON
Louie should perhaps be explained. He’s a cab driver I try to avoid. I rarely succeed.
LOUIE
Well, a very good evening to you, both. If I wasn’t so accustomed to having a roof over my head, I’d tell ya to keep your fare and–
SIMON
Louie, be nice. Miss Standish has been through a very difficult evening.
MADISON
I’m dead.
LOUIE
As am I from hours upon hours inside this here cab. So, where at this time of the night are you two going?
SIMON
The Rest Well Chapel.
LOUIE
A funeral parlor?
SIMON
I’m merely taking her home.
LOUIE
She lives in a funeral parlor?
MADISON
I’m dead in a funeral parlor!
LOUIE
Who’s dead?
SIMON
Miss Standish.
LOUIE
Huh?
MADISON
Me!
LOUIE
Perhaps I shall continue our journey in dumbfounded silence.
SIMON
It would be a change of pace.
MADISON
It’s just so weird because I don’t feel dead. Ya know? But then… what does “dead” feel like? I always thought it would be more… floaty. Like in movies how the ghosts are always floating and all etherial and stuff. I don’t feel etherial.
LOUIE
Uh… Mr. Templar, did you…
SIMON
I already did.
LOUIE
And?
SIMON
She said, “ouch.”
LOUIE
Personally, I would’ve liked to of found out for myself.
MADISON
All right, you two just keep you hands to yourself. If I wanted strange guys pinching me, I’d go back to being a Disney Princess.
SCENE THREE
LOUIE
The Rest Well Chapel, at your service.
SIMON
Uh… Louie–?
LOUIE
I know. Wait. Just don’t be comin’ back with any more dead people.
SIMON
I make no such promises. Come along, Madison.
MADISON
I don’t think I can go in there. I’m not good around dead things. One year I tried to make a Thanksgiving turkey. But when I pulled the bag of guts out–
SIMON
The giblets?
MADISON
Oh, god. It was so ratched I puked right in the bird. My brother thought it was the best stuffing he’d ever had.
SIMON
Well, we’ll see about keeping a mop bucket nearby. One nice thing about funeral parlors, they’re always open.
MADISON
So is Del Taco. Should we’ve just grabbed a coupla burritos on the way over?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Ah.
SIMON
I beg your pardon?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
I said… “ahhhh”.
SIMON
Ah. After you, Madison.
MADISON
Uh-ah.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
This is an hour that comes to all.
MADISON
I think I’ll just hit snooze and sleep another hour.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
I was referring to your bereavement. Whom are you mourning?
SIMON
We would like to look at Madison Standish.
MADISON
No, we wouldn’t! I’ve changed my mind. Let’s go.
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
We all must process grief in our own way.
MADISON
Denial. I’m good with denial.
SIMON
Madison, doesn’t this intrigue you in the least?
MADISON
I was never one of those morbid goth girls, okay? I was a cheerleader. I wore pink. The only time I thought about death was when I forgot to water my cactus. They’re supposed to be drought resistant, ya know.
SIMON
Madison…
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Your name is “Madison” as well? Such an unusual name for a woman. Is it a family name? Were you related to the deceased?
MADISON
Don’t I look like her? Oh, god! Was it a car accident? Was I totally mangled and you can’t make out the features of my face?! I never drive drunk! I swear! I always take Uber!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
I… um… perhaps if you follow me…?
SIMON
Thank you.
MADISON
Ya know, the last thing I remember before being zapped into these old timey radio shows was working on my computer on my makeup blog. Was I electrocuted? Did my face melt off or something?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Uh… here we are and… uh… there she is.
MADISON
It’s not me!!!
SIMON
There is a strong resemblance but–
MADISON
But, I’m not dead! I’m really not dead! Here, pinch me!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
I… I’d rather not.
MADISON
Oh… mah god. I haven’t been this relieved since the pregnancy test came back negative. Woo!
SIMON
There is still a bit more to this puzzle. How did she get here?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Miss Standish? The police brought her.
SIMON
I see. Who identified her?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
Oh, that was hardly necessary. Her coat over there in the corner.
MADISON
Dude!
SIMON
Wait a minute, Madison. What about her coat?
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
It had her name on the label.
MADISON
So what? I can’t buy alcohol without showing a photo I.D. but you’re going to declare me dead because my name was written on some dry cleaning?!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR
The… er… police made that determination. Now I shall withdraw. You will want to be alone with your grief.
MADISON
I hope you didn’t open any bank accounts under my name because apparently all you need to do is show them my coat!
SIMON
All right, Madison. Clearly mistakes were made.
MADISON
This wasn’t someone putting extra foam on my latte, I was declared dead!
SIMON
So, this is your coat?
MADISON
Yeah. I picked it up on Candy Matson. She took me shopping. Oh, that girl’s got taste.
SIMON
Tell me, did it come with bullet holes?
MADISON
Bullet holes?
SIMON
Two holes right there in the front. The girl here, whoever she is, was murdered. Come on, we better get out.
MADISON
All right, but I’m taking my coat.
SIMON
I don’t think–
MADISON
It’s mine, not hers. It belongs to me. Not my fault she was murdered in it. Aw, great. She got ketchup on it.
SIMON
That’s… not ketchup.
MADISON
Ewwww… Okay, she can keep it.
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
So, what was that girl doing with my coat?
SIMON
Wearing it when she was shot, presumably.
MADISON
The name “Saint” was given to you ironically, huh?
SIMON
There’s another question. Perhaps a more important one. Why was she shot in the first place?
MADISON
A lack of strong gun control legislation?
LOUIE
Back again?
SIMON
Yeah, we’re back again. Madison.
MADISON
Oh, you’re holding the door open for me. Sorry. In my day, people just let the doors slam in your face.
LOUIE
Not staying at the funeral parlor? Little lady lost her place?
MADISON
I’m not dead!
LOUIE
Happy news.
SIMON
Madison where do you live?
MADISON
I’ve been subletting an apartment at the Thorton Towers. Got tired of crashing on the couches of all of the noir detectives I’ve been hanging with.
SIMON
How lucky for me. Uh, Louie–
LOUIE
I heard. Thorton Towers.
SIMON
So, Madison, do you have any… enemies?
MADISON
Do online people count?
SIMON
I ask because the coat is a distinctive one.
MADISON
I know! It’s a very colorful plaid. I was between that coat and one with this faux fur collar until I realized you guys haven’t invented faux fur yet so that meant it was a real fur collar and I almost had to throw red paint on myself right there in the dressing room.
SIMON
Fake fur has been used in garments since the late 20s.
MADISON
Ohhh…. then I really need to apologize to that salesgirl… Ooo… and probably pay for the damages…
SIMON
My point is, the girl back at the funeral parlor was murdered while she was wearing it. The question comes to — was her wearing the coat when she was killed merely a coincidence, or was she killed because her murderer thought she was… well… you?
MADISON
Me? I haven’t had any death threats since the fourth grade. You’d think a teacher’d get fired for that, but… pfft.
SCENE FIVE
LOUIE
The Thorton Towers.
SIMON
Well, here we are. Louie, uh–
LOUIE
I know. Don’t wait. On account of you’re sittin’ up with a dead friend.
MADISON
I’m not dead! Wanna pinch me now?
LOUIE
Uh…
SIMON
Good night, Louie.
LOUIE
Yeah, uh, good night, folks.
MADISON
I appreciate you coming home with me. Hey! And for once I don’t have a boyfriend, so I don’t have to sneak you in through the window!
SIMON
Uh… how fortunate.
MADISON
My apartment is down the hall. Saint–
SIMON
Simon.
MADISON
Whatever. You actually think that girl was shot to death because someone mistook her for me?
SIMON
It’s possible.
MADISON
Man… that really sucks.
SIMON
Oh, you needn’t feel badly about it. It’s not your fault.
MADISON
Oh, yeah, I know. Better her than me. But why would anyone–
SIMON
Is this your door?
MADISON
Huh? Oh, yeah.
SIMON
Of course, it’s also possible that– Hey… did you leave your lights on when you left?
MADISON
No. Unlike you people in the 40s, I actually believe in conserving energy and protecting the earth.
SIMON
How noble of you. However, there’s a light on in the room ahead.
MADISON
O.M.G.! Captain Planet is gonna be so pissed at me!
SIMON
Eh… You stay here in the hall. I’ll go ahead and see about the light.
MADISON
I’m part of the pollution, not the solution!
SIMON
Just hold on a moment. I suspect there may be someone else who turned that light on.
OLGA
Oh, hello.
SIMON
Hello.
OLGA
Oh, she was beautiful, your wife.
SIMON
My… what?
OLGA
Your wife. It is her in the picture on the desk there, no?
SIMON
Well, that, uh, does seem to be a picture of Madison.
OLGA
And your name, she is?
SIMON
My name is Simon.
OLGA
It is a name that fills yourself with the soul, no?
SIMON
Eh… No.
OLGA
I knew tonight of all nights you would be lonely.
SIMON
Believe me, I’m not lonely. I–
OLGA
I am here. Oh, your wife. She must’ve been a wonderful woman.
SIMON
She– uh–
OLGA
And now that she is alas gone, I am here.
SIMON
Well, that funeral parlor certainly is full service. Look, who are you?
OLGA
I am Olga.
MADISON
Saint–
SIMON
Simon.
MADISON
Whatever. Hey, who the hell is she?
SIMON
Olga.
OLGA
Who is she?
SIMON
Madison.
OLGA
Waiting a moment, huh? I look on the picture. I look on the flash.
SIMON
The what?
OLGA
The flash. Of which, I might adding, your wife is perhaps carrying a little too much here and there. Especially there.
MADISON
Did this French bitch just call me fat? Because we might be delivering another corpse to that funeral parlor.
SIMON
All right, ladies! We shan’t want any bloodshed on this lovely carpeting.
OLGA
But I am seeing your wife– she is not dead?
MADISON
No, I’m not dead, you little French Macaron–
SIMON
Maca-what?
MADISON
I watch the Great British Bake Off.
OLGA
Simon, you are disappointing me by having a living wife. Au revoir. And, goodbye.
SIMON
Well, that was quite a performance.
MADISON
That wasn’t a performance. I was ready to beat her ass.
SIMON
I meant Olga.
MADISON
The accent was fake, wasn’t it? I could totally tell. And like, what French woman is named “Olga”? French women are named things like “Fifi” or “Baguette.”
SIMON
I think you mean Brigitte.
MADISON
Whatever.
SIMON
I can’t speak to that, but everything else was camouflage.
MADISON
For what?
SIMON
Take a look at the room.
MADISON
The room? Oh… M… Gee…! It looks like the morning after I let that Portuguese soccer team stay at my parent’s house.
SIMON
I’ll have to take your word for that.
MADISON
Good thing I don’t have a dog. Took weeks for his fur to grow back.
SIMON
I believe Olga searched this room and… Yeah, the bedroom as well.
MADISON
She didn’t steal any of my bras, did she? I can not strap myself into those 1940’s pointy bras. They’re not natural! And they hurt my implants.
SIMON
I don’t know what she was looking for, but whatever it was, she didn’t find it. Our entrance stopped her search.
MADISON
Man, she trashed the place. This is gonna put a dent in my security deposit.
SIMON
I’ll help you straighten up.
MADISON
Shouldn’t we like… not touch things until the cops come?
SIMON
They’ll just chase off any more visitors you might have this evening. And where’s the fun in that?
MADISON
I’m having visitors?
SIMON
There’s a distinct possibility. And probably rougher ones than Olga.
MADISON
Another good reason to call the cops?
SIMON
Don’t worry. I’ll wait here the rest of the night.
MADISON
Once, after an N’Sync concert, I waited all night hoping to meet J.T. … but I only met J.C.
SIMON
Well, we’ve met Olga. But I’d like to meet whomever broke in here before her.
MADISON
Someone broke in here before Olga?
SIMON
Of course. Your coat was stolen wasn’t it?
MADISON
Yeah, but not from my apartment.
SIMON
Not from your– where was it stolen from?
MADISON
I guess the dry cleaners? I’d taken it in to be dry cleaned after I spilled my lunch on it. Oh, dammit! That was ketchup on the coat!
SIMON
The cleaners? What’s the name of it?
MADISON
Uh… The Carter’s Cleaners. I remember because I thought it was owned by that super old dude from Habitat for Humanity.
SIMON
Well, evidently your coat started out from there to wind up on a murdered girl’s body. Therefore, come on.
MADISON
What? Where are we going?
SIMON
Believe it or not, I’m taking you… to the cleaners.
MADISON
Am I not supposed to believe you’re taking me to the cleaners?
SIMON
It’s an expression. Just– come along.
MADISON
I don’t understand. Are we going to the cleaners or not? Saint? Here’s an expression for ya: “Bite me.”
SCENE SIX
LOUIE
Hey!
SIMON
What? Oh. Louie, I thought I told you not to wait.
LOUIE
There is a parking limit on this here curb, maybe?
SIMON
No, but–
LOUIE
I waited.
SIMON
But we are only going down the block.
MADISON
Oh, c’mon! Let him drive us. I hate walking so very much!
SIMON
I like walking.
MADISON
Then you can wear my heels.
LOUIE
Geez, Mr. Templar, what do you get from walkin’?
SIMON
Exercise.
MADISON
No. Exercise is when you’re in yoga pants and a sports bra. Everything else is unnecessary exertion.
LOUIE
What she said!
SIMON
We are walking. Goodbye, Louie.
MADISON
My feet hurt.
SIMON
Would it help if I carried you?
MADISON
It might.
SIMON
Oh, well, look at that. We’re already here. Hey! Stop trying to climb on me! I said we’re here!
MADISON
Come on! Carry me! You know I’ve been dead for half the evening.
SIMON
Yes, and I’ve been very impressed by your miraculous recovery. Hmmm… The front door is shut. But there is a light inside. Let’s try– It’s locked.
MADISON
How is the dry cleaners not twenty-four hours? Don’t kids in the 40s borrow their mom’s Vera Wang gown, go to a concert, get drunk, eat too many tacos, puke on the gown, and then need to get it dry cleaned before she wakes up in the morning?
SIMON
Uh…
MADISON
Here, let me try. Let us in! Let us in!!!
SIMON
Well, why didn’t I think of that?
MADISON
Look, someone’s coming.
CLEMONS
What do you want?
SIMON
Do you mind if we come in?
CLEMONS
Look, it may have escaped your attention, but it happens to be after three o’clock in the morning. Why do you want to come in?
MADISON
It’s an emergency. We need to see a dry cleaner, stat!
CLEMONS
I shouldn’t have to be bothered by drunks.
MADISON
I’m not drunk. I’m not standing very well because I’ve been dead all evening.
CLEMONS
Good night.
SIMON
Wait a moment! I’m sorry, we haven’t been properly introduced. My name is Templar. And you are…
CLEMONS
Clemons, the manager. Now, good nigh–
SIMON
Clemons? Good to meet you. This is Miss Standish.
MADISON
S’up.
SIMON
We’ve stopped by for her coat.
CLEMONS
Coat?
MADISON
It’s a bright pink plaid with black, dark purple, some robin’s egg blue and thin stripes of gold lamé–
CLEMONS
As I may have mentioned before, we are not open for business.
SIMON
Then what are you doing here?
CLEMONS
I’m crazy about carbon tetrachloride fumes.
MADISON
Ooo… you won’t say that when you get diagnosed with cancer and liver failure. Go green while you can.
SIMON
I’d still like the coat.
CLEMONS
Oh? Then please do stop by… in the morning!
MADISON
So… Why were we asking him for my coat that we know is at the funeral parlor?
SIMON
I wanted to find out if the cleaning store knew the plaid coat was gone.
MADISON
Doesn’t feel like mission accomplished.
SIMON
No, but nevertheless, we’ve worried Mr. Clemons. Thank heaven Louie is handy. Hey, Louie! Louie!
LOUIE
Ha, ha, ha. You give up, huh?
SIMON
Yeah. Into the cab, Madison.
MADISON
Oh, are you sure you don’t want to keep walking until my Gucci heels are nothing but Italian leather nubs?
SIMON
Perhaps later if time allows.
LOUIE
Name your destination, Mr. Templar.
SIMON
A very long trip.
MADISON
Ooo! Really? Where are we going? Atlantic City? It’s the 40s so I haven’t been banned from there yet.
SIMON
Drive to the back of the cleaning store, Louie. That alley must lead there.
LOUIE
Oh-kay.
MADISON
Uh… the back of the cleaners? Ooo… a dream destination… for George Jefferson.
SIMON
Well, it is a good place to catch Mr. Clemons on his way out.
MADISON
Yay. We’re sure movin’ on up.
SCENE SEVEN
LOUIE
All this here is maybe none of my business, Mr. Templar, but, you’re not spending this p.m. in the way a p.m. should be spent.
SIMON
Nonsense. Staking out the back alley of a cleaning store at four o’clock in the morning is all the rage these days.
LOUIE
Then maybe I’m old-fashioned.
SIMON
Just focus on all of that old-fashioned money you’re going to be making from our huge fare.
LOUIE
It does put my mind at ease.
SIMON
I thought it might.
MADISON
If fish don’t fry in the kitchen, where do they fry?
SIMON
Uh…
MADISON
And you can totally burn beans on the grill. I don’t think I’ve ever cooked anything on a grill that didn’t burn. If humans were meant to cook over open flames, God wouldn’t have invented the microwave.
SIMON
A fascinating philosophical discussion, to be sure.
MADISON
Give me a break. Okay? This is a major snore fest. Some way to spend my second chance at life.
LOUIE
That’s exactly what I was sayin’!
MADISON
Thank you, Louie!
SIMON
Second chance at life?
MADISON
Well, I was declared dead, but now I’m not — so this should be a moment of clarity for me, right?
SIMON
I supposed so.
MADISON
A new lease on life. Wait. Do we “lease” life? Because I had a bad experience leasing a car. They really expect you to return it with all four doors.
SIMON
Ah! Looks like we’re going to have to continue examining your rebirth later. Mr. Clemons is shutting up the shop.
LOUIE
He’s comin’ down the back alley.
SIMON
We’re far enough away from the alley for him not to notice.
MADISON
Why do we care about this manager of a dry cleaners? Trust me, I know managers. They’re the gallbladders of business. Every business has one, but they don’t really do anything, and if they’re gone, no one notices and they’re better off.
SIMON
Well, his coming out of the back door confirms something or other.
LOUIE
You mean, if he weren’t hiding somethin’, he wouldn’t be usin’ the back way?
SIMON
Perhaps. Look, he’s turning the corner. Louie–
LOUIE
I’m alert. Not for nothing was I a Boy Scout.
SIMON
Hold it a minute. He’s getting into that convertible.
MADISON
That is a suh-weet ride. No way he could afford that on a manager’s salary. Unless he still lives with his mom.
SIMON
All right, Louie, let’s follow him.
MADISON
This is a waste of time. I know managers. They go on break, smoke some weed, and then sit in the front seat of their car having an orgy for one.
SCENE EIGHT
SIMON
Look, Clemons is stopping.
LOUIE
Yeah, I better stop right here, huh?
SIMON
Yes, good idea.
MADISON
He’s going into a nightclub. I’m tellin’ ya, that’s where he’s gonna score the weed, and then he’ll be wailing his instrument like Rick Allen playin’ a one handed drum solo.
SIMON
Whether you’re right or not, it’s still an interesting place for a store manager to finish his evening’s work. Let’s go, Madison.
LOUIE
Leave me know how the floor show is.
SIMON
I’ll be sure to.
MADISON
“Barker’s Band Box.” I swear I’ve heard that name before.
SIMON
I’ve heard of Barker. Nothing complementary, either. Well, in we go. Dark, crowded and needs ventilation. And the floor show… emphasis on “show.”
MADISON
Dude! It’s an old timey strip club!
SIMON
Cabaret. And you think you know the place?
MADISON
No. I must’ve mixed it up with some other place.
RANDOM GUY
Hey, Madison!
OTHER GUY
Madison! Great to see you again!
ANOTHER GUY
Madison! Don’t be such a stranger!
SIMON
Maybe I should leave you here to meet with your fan club.
MADISON
Come to think of it… uh, there was that brief period where I was in between noir jobs…
SIMON
Clemons is over there, ducking out of the door near the piano. Let’s follow him. I presume you know the way?
DANCER
Madison! We still meetin’ up at your place later?
MADISON
Maybe next week. Uh… Kinda busy right now.
SIMON
I wouldn’t mind.
MADISON
Just follow the stupid dry cleaner.
BARKER
We had a good thing goin’. But you missed your deadline, Clemons.
CLEMONS
Yes, Mr. Barker, I know–
MADISON
I’ve never been back here. It was off limits. It’s so dark.
SIMON
Yeah, hold on, listen.
BARKER
Oh, you do know? Well, at least that’s somethin’.
CLEMONS
Now, wait a minute, Barker–
BARKER
I’ve been waiting long enough. Where are the stones?
CLEMONS
I told you, the girl disappeared.
BARKER
I know what you told me. That don’t get me the stones. Now, suppose you tell me where they are?
CLEMONS
I… I don’t know where they are.
MADISON
Stones? Jewel thieves?
SIMON
Yeah, Barker’s got quite a reputation as a crook of various kinds.
JAKE
Havin’ fun, fellas?
MADISON
Geez! You scared the crap outta me. Even at Hollywood Horror Nights they never got me to jump like that. Woo! Listen to that heartbeat.
JAKE
Well, my deepest apologies. Might I be able help youz two nosy people in some way?
SIMON
Thank you, for that… kind gesture, but I don’t believe we’ll require anything.
JAKE
Perhaps myself and this here rod could escort youz out?
MADISON
O.M.G.! Is that gun real? Lemme see!
JAKE
Hey, now, cut that out!
MADISON
Dude, look! I got his gun!
SIMON
And I’ve got a fist. Let’s see what happens! How gratifying. I hit him and he fell down.
BARKER
Jake?
SIMON
Come on! Time for our exit.
BARKER
Jake?!
MADISON
Oh, mind if I run to the dressing room real quick? I think I left a pair of earrings–
BARKER
JAKE!
SIMON
Unless you want your second lease on life to be all of thirty minutes, we need to leave… now.
MADISON
Yeah, good point.
SCENE NINE
MADISON
Maybe we shouldn’t be back at my place with all of this goin’ on?
SIMON
Nonsense. We have to see if you’ve had any visitors while we were away.
MADISON
Oh, god, you don’t think Olga’s back, do you?
SIMON
Oh, Olga’s back… but this time she’s staying.
MADISON
What do you mean? Eww-wah!
SIMON
She isn’t beautiful anymore.
MADISON
Nupe. Just dead.
SIMON
I better phone the police.
MADISON
Wait a sec, hang on. This all started with Madison Standish, aka me, being dead.
SIMON
But it wasn’t Madison Standish, aka you, who was dead. It was another girl.
MADISON
In my coat. And now Olga’s dead. In my apartment.
SIMON
Still not Madison Standish.
MADISON
Oh, okay, so I guess I’m fine then and I’ll just go to bed. She said sarcastically.
SIMON
Let me call the police to remove this new addition to your living room and then we’ll figure out what to do next.
MADISON
Man, this is like rush week all over again.
SCENE TEN
LIEUTENANT
Come on, boys, let’s get out of here. Good night, Templar.
SIMON
Good night, Lieutenant. Thanks for dropping over.
MADISON
Aw… look what she oozed out on the rug. That’s gonna leave a stain. Would it look weird to have the couch in the middle of the room?
SIMON
You’d better go to bed. I’ll stay on. It’s almost morning, anyway.
MADISON
Like I could sleep. Want some breakfast?
SIMON
Oh, I say, that’s not a bad idea. If you feel up to it.
MADISON
Don’t get too excited. I’m just pouring cereal. My cooking skills range from bagged salads to ordering out.
SIMON
I’m not picky.
JAKE
Now hold it right there.
MADISON
Geez! You made me jump again! You’re really good at this. You should be a scare-acter.
JAKE
A… what?
MADISON
Scare-acter. Scare actor. Like in haunted houses, the Queen Mary and stuff. You’d rake it in at Halloween.
JAKE
I prefer my current profession which involves this gun and you shuttin’ up. ‘Cuz if youz got ideas about yellin’ for help, remember this– bullets get to you quicker than help.
MADISON
That is a very good point, you make there… uh… Jake, was it?
JAKE
Surely you’re not forgettin’ me from your days at Barker’s Band Box.
MADISON
That was a very dark time in my life. I really don’t appreciate you bringing it up. It’s kind of a trigger.
JAKE
I’m the one who’s got the trigger.
MADISON
Ooo! You mean like, literally. Touché.
JAKE
Mr. Barker is anxious to see youz again. Now, let’s get outta here through the service door like I come in.
MADISON
I’m so calling the landlord about the quality of locks in this building.
SCENE ELEVEN
SIMON
Hey, Madison, I thought you were just pouring cereal. Do you need help with the milk carton? Madison? What’s the matter? Are the Rice Krispies talking back to you? Madison?
SCENE TWELVE
JAKE
Well, here she is, Mr. Barker.
BARKER
Yeah, nice work, Jake. Good to see you again, baby.
MADISON
You still owe me my last paycheck.
BARKER
And you still owe me for the liquor tab you ran up.
MADISON
Well, sounds like we’re even, so I guess I’ll be going–
BARKER
Not so fast. Just what did you do with the stones?
MADISON
The stones? I haven’t seen Mick Jagger since the 2020 tour got postponed for COVID. And now I bet my sister’s using my tickets! Oh, this blows! She still likes Rick Astley.
BARKER
I’m talkin’ about the Chorus Girl’s Delight and the Old Man’s Charm.
MADISON
I… don’t know those songs.
BARKER
The jewels! You’re gonna tell us where they are, aren’t you, baby?
MADISON
First, stop calling me “baby.” Very condescending. Second, I know zero about this “jewel” stuff.
BARKER
I wouldn’t care to believe that.
MADISON
Well, you might wanna start believin’ it because… I got nothin’.
BARKER
All right. I’ll start not believing you. Jake?
JAKE
Yeah?
BARKER
I don’t believe her. I don’t think she’s behavin’ right.
JAKE
Oh, you don’t, huh?
BARKER
I don’t.
JAKE
Okay, Mr. Barker…
MADISON
Wait. What’s happening?
JAKE
I’m gonna slap you around a little bit. And it’s gonna hurt you a lot more than it’s gonna hurt me.
MADISON
Whoa! This just escalated to violence faster than a video game. I don’t even remember putting in my quarters!
BARKER
Hold it. Hold it a minute, Jake. I’ll get it. Yeah?
SIMON
Barker? Simon Templar. You’ve got Madison Standish there haven’t you?
BARKER
Madison? No. I don’t know any Madison.
MADISON
Is that the Saint? He’s calling for me. You see, I never finished his breakfast. So… I should go–
BARKER
Jake.
JAKE
Take a seat, doll face.
MADISON
Ooo, real leather. Very nice.
SIMON
Listen, Barker, if you don’t hurt Madison in any way, I’ll get you the stones you’re looking for. She doesn’t know where they are.
BARKER
Is that a fact? Where are the stones?
SIMON
The Carter’s Cleaners Shop.
BARKER
Look, don’t hand me that. We’ve already been through the joint.
SIMON
But you didn’t know where to look.
BARKER
Hmmm. It could be deal. But your girlfriend will be under a gun all the time. The first funny move– she gets it.
MADISON
What exactly constitutes a “funny” move? Are we talking clowning level here or–
BARKER
Watch it or I might extend the conditions to include you openin’ up yer big mouth.
SIMON
We have a deal, Barker?
BARKER
We’ll be seein’ ya. Okay, Jake, we’re goin’ visitin’. We’re gonna trade in the babe for the stones.
MADISON
Ya know, while I’m here, I left some earrings in the–
JAKE
How’s that?
MADISON
Suddenly not important. Take me to the cleaners.
JAKE
Heh-heh. That’s funny.
MADISON
I do not get your old timey humor.
SCENE THIRTEEN
CLEMONS
Good morning– Oh, you were here last night.
SIMON
That’s right, Mr. Clemons, I was looking for a plaid coat.
CLEMONS
Plaid?
SIMON
Yes. Maybe it would be here on this rack.
CLEMONS
Oh, it wouldn’t be there. You see, this rack is for dresses.
SIMON
And this is for last night– Sorry to have upset you, Mr. Clemons, but company is coming and I’ve got to set the table for them.
SCENE FOURTEEN
BARKER
Joint looks clean. No blue uniforms around. Here we go, baby. Hey, get offa me!
MADISON
Can’t you carry me? My feet hurt.
BARKER
Just get inside.
MADISON
Saint!
SIMON
Simon.
MADISON
Whatever.
BARKER
You Templar?
SIMON
Only on days that end in “Y”.
BARKER
Cute. Jake, lock the door so we won’t be interrupted.
JAKE
Sure thing.
BARKER
All right, where’re the stones? What’s that?
SIMON
Mr. Clemons. He fell down while he was pressing some suits or something.
MADISON
It’s the dry cleaning fumes, I’m tellin’ ya.
BARKER
Get up, Clemons.
CLEMONS
Huh? Oh… hello, Mr. Barker.
BARKER
Hello, rat.
CLEMONS
You don’t have to talk that way, Mr. Barker. I can’t help if the stones were stolen from me. If the woman double crossed me.
BARKER
This babe here?
CLEMONS
Yeah.
MADISON
See? Typical manager pushing the blame off on somebody else.
CLEMONS
Why don’t you work her over Mr. Barker? And her boyfriend. After all, they’re the ones who killed Olga, aren’t they? It was in their apartment!
MADISON
Oh, that’s it! I’m never using this dry cleaners again.
BARKER
Never mind Olga. I liked the kid, I sent her out on a job, and she got it. In business, you’ve got to cut your losses when you have to.
MADISON
Okay, that’s why I couldn’t keep working for you. No employee appreciation.
BARKER
I still want the stones, Templar. You say they’re here?
SIMON
They have to be.
BARKER
Then find them.
SIMON
I’ve looked. They are hidden cleverly.
BARKER
You sound like a guy up a tree, mister, and in just a couple of seconds, I’m gonna cut that tree down.
SIMON
Tree? Wait a minute… Suppose you wanted to hide a tree so you couldn’t find it. Where would you hide it?
MADISON
The pool house. That’s where I always hid stuff so my parents couldn’t find it.
SIMON
You’d hide it in a forest, of course. Madison, go through that dress rack.
MADISON
The dress rack?
SIMON
Find a dress, any dress, that doesn’t seem to belong.
MADISON
‘Kay…
JAKE
I don’t get it boss. Who wants to hide a tree?
BARKER
Shut up, Jake.
MADISON
I’m not sure what you’re goin’ for, but the cleaners is in a pretty expensive neighborhood. And all these dresses are super nice… except this one. It’s sorta cheap, covered with rhinestones. Kinda looks like a prom dress from Target.
SIMON
Let me have it. Yes, of course. It doesn’t belong here.
MADISON
So… why is it here?
SIMON
Because it’s a forest.
BARKER
It looks like a rag to me, not a forest.
SIMON
Then suppose you take another look at some of the rhinestones on it.
BARKER
Let me have it.
SIMON
Most of the things sewn on that dress are cheap rhinestones. But among them…
BARKER
Are the genuine stones! The ones we’ve been lookin’ for.
MADISON
Mmm… they don’t really go with the fabric. I still wouldn’t wear this.
BARKER
Well, nice work, Clemons.
CLEMONS
I– I didn’t know anything about it! Somebody else must’ve done it to frame me! Wait a minute, Barker! Wait!
SIMON
You sure told him.
MADISON
A little blasé for seein’ a guy get shot dead in front of you, isn’t it?
SIMON
Well, that’s why I’m leaving. It occurred to me that Mr. Barker might not like witnesses to his murders.
BARKER
Don’t you move another muscle.
SIMON
Oh, come on, just one more muscle. Madison, get behind me!
BARKER
Hey, what are you–
SIMON
These cleaning machines build up quite a lot of steam pressure. I kicked the outlet pipe off and it’s aimed at you. You better scram, Barker, unless you want to get hard boiled!
JAKE
Oh, it’s gettin’ too hot in here!
BARKER
Come on!!
SIMON
Barker, are you leaving us?
MADISON
They took off.
SIMON
Yes, Madison, but they won’t get far. The police shouldn’t have much trouble picking them up with them all — forgive me, but I can’t resist it — with them all… steamed up.
MADISON
Are you the inventor of dad jokes?
SCENE FIFTEEN
MADISON
Simon–
SIMON
Simon. Oh, sorry, you actually said “Simon” this time.
MADISON
Yeah, pick a name. So, I gotta ask, what was this all about?
SIMON
Well, you see, Clemons and Barker were partners in the jewelry business– illegitimate.
MADISON
That much I got.
SIMON
They’d worked out a nice idea. They’d use very distinctive clothes left with the cleaning shop as disguises for themselves and their accomplices.
MADISON
Disguises that couldn’t be traced because they’d lead back to innocent people who had alibis and stuff.
SIMON
And the last job they did involved the girl who wore your plaid coat while stealing the jewels.
MADISON
Uh-huh.
SIMON
Clemons, however, decided he wanted all the jewels to himself, so he killed the girl and hid the stones.
MADISON
And what about Olga?
SIMON
He had to kill Olga because she suspected something was wrong and came to this apartment because that’s where the plaid coat came from.
MADISON
How did you know Clemons killed her?
SIMON
Back in the shop he said Olga had been killed in this apartment. How did he know that?
MADISON
Oh, duh. Because he killed her.
SIMON
Precisely. Although it was quite a coincidence that you’d actually worked for Mr. Barker.
MADISON
Aw, I was barely there long enough to even get to know anybody.
DANCER
Hey, Madison! The gang’s all here!
SIMON
Well, well, well! Looks like we have a ready-made party on our hands.
MADISON
I can’t help it if I’m popular.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
In the original radio show of “The Saint,” the announcer boasts that the character is “known to millions from books, magazines and motion pictures.” This self described “Robin Hood of modern crime” would also go on to a long running British television series in the 60s starring Roger Moore, the 90s film with Val Kilmer as well as a 2017 straight to Netflix movie. And that’s just the highlights. “The Saint” is certainly a franchise that has touched audiences across multiple platforms for decades. With Simon Templar’s wit and charm, there’s no doubt he’ll be around for many more to come.