MADISON ON THE AIR: “ROBIN HOOD” – THE FAMILY THEATER

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: NOV 2024

Don’t read this! The episode hasn’t premiered yet! We’re WAAAAY funnier when you hear us perform it. Go on, now. Git!

SCENE ONE

MADISON
Hey, everybody! Welcome to our fourth anniversary episode! Four? That’s right! I first got zapped back into old timey radio shows in February of 2021. I wonder how the world is doing in 2025? I’m sure it’s way better since Trump finally got out of office. Anyhoo! Thank you all so much for being part of this journey with me. To launch our fifth year, we’re going farther back in time than any other episode to date. Because this is “An Adventure with Robin Hood!” Originally presented by the Family Theater in 1949. And I know you already figured it out. Clearly, I’m going to be Maid Marian. Maid Madison.

JONATHAN
Um… Madison?

MADISON
Oh, hey, Jonathan. S’up. I’ll be out of here in a sec so you can do your narrator stuff. Gotta get ready to play Maid Madison.

JONATHAN About that…

MADISON
There’s a really good actor to play opposite me as Robin Hood, right?

JONATHAN
Oh, yes, Karim Kronfli.

MADISON
Great! That means we’ll have at least one real British accent. Of course, I’ve been working on mine for Maid Madison. “Would you care for a spot of tea?” I’m getting pretty good, right?

JONATHAN
That’s… um… The best you’ve ever done.

MADISON
Thank you!

JONATHAN
But you aren’t playing Maid Marian, Er– Maid Madison.

MADISON What now?

JONATHAN
Here’s the script. You read it while I do the narration.

MADISON
O-kay…

JONATHAN
The story of Robin Hood who, today, as in generations past, captures the fancy and transports the spirit back to the time when the bold, green clad men of Sherwood Forest lived their carefree lives–

MADISON
I’m playing Alan-a-Dale?!

JONATHAN
But though they were men untroubled by want or restraint–

MADISON
Jonathan!

JONATHAN
They were all men to whom liberty was a personal thing.

MADISON
Jonathan!

JONATHAN
Yes, Madison?

MADISON
Alan-a-Dale? Who the hell is that?

JONATHAN
He’s one of Robin’s Merry Men.

MADISON
Uh-huh. And what am I supposed to do with this weird-ass lookin’ guitar?

JONATHAN
That’s a lute. Alan-a-Dale is the minstrel.

MADISON
Minstrel? So I wasn’t cast as Maid Marian, but someone thought the better role for me would be the one who sings?

JONATHAN
I really had nothing to do with the casting.

MADISON
My singing is as good as my British accent.

JONATHAN
You’ll be more of a kind of a narrator. Like me.

MADISON
The fourth anniversary episode of my own show and I’ve been reduced to the narrator?

JONATHAN
Hey!

MADISON
Oh, get over it.

JONATHAN
They’re asking me to move this along so we can start the story. May I continue?

MADISON
Go ahead. I’m gonna figure out who I need to hit over the head with this stupid guitar.

JONATHAN
So… We return to our memories of that gallant and high spirited band in green with– “An Adventure with Robin Hood”! Madison, that’s your cue.

MADISON
I don’t wanna.

JONATHAN
You don’t want to be in your own fourth anniversary show?

MADISON
No.

JONATHAN
You get to do Old English speak.

MADISON
Yeah?

JONATHAN
Come on. The audience needs you to set the scene.

MADISON
Well… okay. But I’m reserving the right to bail on this if I don’t like it!

JONATHAN
Fair enough.

MADISON
I’m starting here?

JONATHAN
Yes. That word is “Herewith.”

MADISON
I can read! “Herewith, gentle folk, the chronicle of the bold Robin of Loxley.”

JONATHAN
Maybe not the accent, though.

MADISON
What, you’re turning me into Kevin Costner?

JONATHAN
No, you just don’t need the accent because the Old English will create the illusion for you.

MADISON
Okay. “Picture then, sweet folk, the gatherings under the greenwood tree, as the merry band, outlawed all by the greed or cap– caprice of their stern age. Look you at Little John, towering above the band, Will Scarlet of the Flaming Garb–”

JONATHAN
That’s not what it means.

MADISON
I know. I know. I’m immature. “And Alan-a-Dale, the troubadour of Sherwood.”

JONATHAN
See? You get to be in the story, too.

MADISON
Goodie. I get to be in my own show. “And look you now within the forest glade, as green clad Robin matches blow for blow the noble efforts of Little John. The Merry Men cheering on their mighty leaders.”

JONATHAN
Now you can cheer along with the others.

MADISON
So, I’m basically an extra in this scene. Super.

JONATHAN
This is going to be a long episode.

SCENE TWO

LITTLE JOHN
Oh, ho, good Master! Wouldst thou scrape the pate of thy faithful Little John?

ROBIN
What? Good, Little John, dost thy stout heart quail before my gentle tap?

LITTLE JOHN
Gentle tap? T’would’ve broken the skull of a lesser man. Perchance my lessons with the quarterstaff have served thee well.

ROBIN
Aye, Little John. But to my sorrow, thou hast not proved so apt a pupil with the long bow.

LITTLE JOHN
Ah, sweet Robin, hast thou forgotten who did win the prize this day?

ROBIN
And had not the fickle wind seized upon mine arrow, thou wouldst have no said cause to boast!

MADISON
O.M.G. What is this? Ye Ol’ Cock Measuring Contest?

ROBIN
What, ho, dear Minstrel! Play for us some merriment!

LITTLE JOHN
Aye! That we may have accompaniment to our friendly sport!

MADISON
Who, me?

ROBIN
Aye! Is that not a lute that does sit beside thee?

MADISON
I’m really not qualified. The last time I played a musical instrument was the recorder in second grade. If you’d like to hear a mean “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder, then I’m your minstrel.

ROBIN
Come along! Play for us!

MADISON
All right. I’ve dated a lotta guitar players. Let’s see if anything rubbed off. Robin Hood and Little John walkin’ through the forest /somethin’, somethin’, somethin’, somethin’/ Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly, what a day!

ROBIN
Minstrel! Have we offended thee that thy shall injure our ears?

MADISON
I am not a “minstrel.” I’ve been grossly miscast. Like the year my high school did “Grease” and instead of getting the role of Sandy — when I obviously channel slutty Olivia Newton-John vibes — I got “non-singing ensemble.” They told me I was special because
I was the only ensemble member classified as “non-singing.”

ROBIN
Mayhaps, instead, thou wouldst prefer a bit of sparing with Little John?

LITTLE JOHN
Hast she not assaulted me already with her singing?

MADISON
I’ll take ‘im on! Hand me that pole.

LITTLE JOHN
Dost thou mean, “quarterstaff?”

MADISON
Is this an Old English vocabulary lesson or are we gonna fight?

ROBIN
Very well! Take thine positions!

MADISON
Bring it!

ROBIN
What, ho, Little John! Does she best thee?

LITTLE JOHN
In faith, her skills with the staff do match her skills with the lute!

MADISON
My boyfriend cheated on me when I was in color guard. You do not want to see the damage I can do with a flag pole.

ROBIN
Little John! That was a formable strike she had upon thy shoulder!

LITTLE JOHN
She be so tiny, I sustain no injury. I feel woefully unmatched. Tis like a bear taking up arms against a mouse!

MADISON
Oh, yeah? And visit I upon thee the pain I did befall my cheating boyfriend’s crotch.

ROBIN
A low, yet effective blow, m’lady.

MADISON
Bet you’re wishing you were wearin’ more than just tights right about now.

ROBIN
Hold thy weapons! The lookout has signaled. He comes running as though Prince Richard himself were chasing him.

WILL
Master Robin! Good Master Robin!

ROBIN
What, ho, Will Scarlet. What urgent news dost thou bring?

WILL
The Sheriff of Nottingham is within Sherwood Forest.

MADISON
Ooo! He’s the bad guy, right?

ROBIN
Does he come to harm us?

WILL
Nay, he and his company are bound along the road to the Castle Mountfitchet.

MADISON
His company? How big is his company? Are we talkin’, enough employees to require him to pay healthcare, or small enough for his staff to get squat?

WILL
A full company of guards and three palfreys laden with the sheriff’s tax collections.

ROBIN
Now, by my bow, herein lies a prize that tempts me sorely. Arise, good men of Sherwood! We must welcome our noble guests and collect our taxes!

MEN
Arise!

ROBIN
Except, you, Little John. Mayhaps thy should… sit this one out.

MADISON
This little mouse just showed you the “bear necessities.”

SCENE THREE

SHERIFF
And have I not told thee, Simon, Robin Hood lacks the bold heart to attack armored men. Four times have I traversed these woods, and yet have I to see him.

SIMON
Indeed, good Master, but–

SHERIFF
Already we arrive at the split in the trail and the forest’s end. But a short turn beyond, and free of the wood we shall be.

SIMON
Yet, uh, with all this money, good Master, I do surely fear that–

SHERIFF
Down! Down, I say! Are even horses afraid of the legend of Sherwood?

SIMON
Tis two beggars upon the road, my Master.

SHERIFF
You there! Dost thou not know better than to usurp the trail from the Sheriff of Nottingham?

ROBIN
Peace, Noble Lord, my frail wife and I do but walk upon the King’s road, even as thyself do ride upon it.

SHERIFF
Remove thine selves at once!

MADISON
You don’t own the road!

SHERIFF
“Frail” wife, indeed.

ROBIN
Dearest, methinks thy should hold thine tongue?

MADISON
He thinks he can take up the whole road with his Cybertruck energy.

SHERIFF
Curse thee for thy insolence! Mayhaps thy tongue will not dangle so loosely when I have run thee down! Ho! Horses!

MADISON
Gah! Big scary horses!

ROBIN
Whoa! Hold there! Hold there!

MADISON
I knew I should’ve hung back with the archers.

ROBIN
But nay, thy insisted thy should stay by mine side.

MADISON
Everybody knows you don’t die in an action movie if you stay with the lead! The second you separate.

SHERIFF
Mayhaps thy marital squabble might be resolved in a place other than the middle of my path!

MADISON
Pretty uppity for a guy wearing velvet.

SHERIFF
Vile creature! Venture closer and feel the wrath of my steel.

MADISON
Was that a come-on?

ROBIN
Hold thy anger, m’lord, lest I defend against thee.

SHERIFF
Dost thou think to crown me with thy paltry horn, beggar?

SIMON
Horn, Master? By all the saints! This be– this be–!

ROBIN
Dost thou wish to name me so his worship may be gifted our introduction?

SHERIFF
Speak not to my servant, you insolent peasant!

MADISON
Velvet Elvis here doesn’t get it, does he?

ROBIN
Mayhaps my disguise is too clever for a sheriff’s eye.

MADISON
I love how all your insults sound like poetry.

SHERIFF
Enough! Remove thine selves from this road forthwith, or feel the full wrath of my men!

SIMON
But, Master!

ROBIN
Still my identity eludes you. Perhaps this blast will help thee.

ROBIN
Seize him, men!

SHERIFF
It’s Robin Hood!

MADISON
So sorry. You answered after the buzzer. Please accept this departing gift of us robbing you.

SHERIFF
Now, see here!

ROBIN
Turn thine head to right or left and there wilt thy see thine hosts of Sherwood.

SHERIFF
Tis a trap! Back, men! Or we’ll all be lost!

ROBIN
Hold thy reins! Or my men shall fill thee with arrows!

SHERIFF
Dost thou not know, bandit, that for this thy life is forfeit? I shall double the five hundred crowns upon thy head!

MADISON
That’s a lot of crowns to wear on your head.

ROBIN
Will not claim the gold thyself, good Sheriff? Here I am before thee.

SHERIFF
I shall yet find a day and place more suited to my purpose, bandit.

MADISON
Ooo! Methinks thou art a chicken! Bawk-bawk-bawk!

SHERIFF
Why, you–!

ROBIN
Ah, ah, ah, good Sheriff. Remember the archers whose arrows are transfixed upon thy breast.

MADISON
Gimme another quarterstaff. I’ll take on whatever’s below “thy breast.”

ROBIN
If thou wishest not to face me this day, then, good sir, I suggest thou turn thyself about and head back the road to Nottingham from whence thou came.

SHERIFF
What? Shall we turn our backs to bandits? To receive a coward’s arrow in our backs?

ROBIN
Now, by my bow, sir Sheriff, we of Sherwood do not kill as do common bandits. Our wits serve us better ends than our swords.

SHERIFF
Does it take wits, bandit, to ambush from behind hedges and then melt into the forests when opposed by cold steel?

MADISON
Yeah, that’s called “strategy” and, by the way, how the Americans beat your British butts in the Revolutionary War. Or, will beat your British butts. What year is this, anyway?

ROBIN
Noble Sheriff, thy may continue on thy journey–

SHERIFF
At last! Some reason from thine villainous lot!

ROBIN
Hold! Hold but a moment, sir Sheriff. Methinks thou hast forgotten the toll for traveling Sherwood’s lanes.

SHERIFF
Toll? I pay no toll. I be an officer of the King!

ROBIN
And I, good sir, be master of these forests. Madison, seize the Palfrey’s reins.

MADISON
We’ve established I don’t do horses!

ROBIN
Wouldst thou have me do it while I hold the Sheriff at bay with mine bow and arrow?!

MADISON
Then just shoot the Sheriff and we can get this over with!

ROBIN
I did literally just proclaim our band does use our wits, not our arrows!

MADISON
If you’re not gonna use any of your weapons, then this is all just an empty threat.

SHERIFF
Indeed. Men! Attack!

MADISON
You might wanna use those arrows now!

ROBIN
Sheriff! The numbers are in our favor! Would thou sacrifice thine men this day?!

SHERIFF
Doth thou mean to use thy weapons?

ROBIN
Aye!

SHERIFF
So be it! A truce! Fall back, men!

MADISON
So you weren’t bluffing?

ROBIN
No weapons could cause the same damage as one word from thy tongue.

MADISON
You’re welcome.

SHERIFF
But as for thee, Robin Hood, crow not overlong about this day. There will be others, and on one of them, I shall surely catch thee.

MADISON
Ooo! Robin! You’re in trouble…

SHERIFF
And when I catch thee, bandit, for this day’s impudence, I shall surely hang thee.

ROBIN
Oh, good Sheriff, in truth this boasting — and thy silly tongue — make me ill. Get thee gone before my good nature desert me.

SHERIFF
Why you–!

ROBIN
Be gone, I say! Before I put an arrow between thy rotund ribs!

MADISON And in his most fierce attack ever, Robin Hood fat shames the Sheriff of Nottingham.

SCENE FOUR

WILL
8-98, 8-99, nine hundred. What, ho! Someone would cheat our Honored Sheriff with coins of baser metal?

MADISON
Ooo. That’s like getting change and finding a Canadian penny in there. My question is, how did we get so many Canadian pennies in circulation in the U.S.? Is it a Canadian conspiracy? Like with their geese?

ROBIN
Come, come, Will, what total has thou now?

WILL
A full nine hundred golden crowns, Master Robin. And this false coin which passed the Sheriff’s scrutiny.

MADISON
I’ve tried that with those Chinese coins that have a square cut outta the center? Can’t put anything past those Girl Scouts during cookie season.

ROBIN
Little John, hast thou the records?

LITTLE JOHN
Aye, they are here. Our noble Sheriff hath squeezed the shire dry.

ROBIN
Then let us begin.

LITTLE JOHN
“The Widow of Doncaster. Property mortgage to the extent of sixty crowns.” The husband served with Richard.

ROBIN
Mmmm. Count them out, Good Little John. Will, thy shall deliver them.

WILL
At once, Master Robin.

LITTLE JOHN
“Dicken of Wattles, fined twenty crowns by my lord Sheriff for speaking up against him.”

MADISON
I talked back to my mom once and she withheld my allowance. But I just took it from her purse. Hey! Does that make me like Robin Hood? Robbing from the mom to give to the me?

LITTLE JOHN
“Dame Margaret,” whose three sons languish in the Sheriff’s jails for poaching. And well our noble Sheriff knows their innocence. “Eighty crowns” lest the Sheriff does foreclose upon her poor estates.

MADISON
I didn’t realize the “robbing from the rich, giving to the poor” involved so much accounting.

JONATHAN
That’s why you need to narrate.

MADISON
Right now?

JONATHAN
Yes! When the action slows down, the narrator comes in to jump the story ahead to the next important scene.

MADISON
Is that what you do here?

JONATHAN
Four years and you never noticed?

MADISON
I guess I was too busy being in the important scenes.

JONATHAN
Just read your copy.

MADISON
“And so did Little John continue down his list till each gold piece was assigned to those of whom the Sheriff did wrong. With all but one hundred crowns left in the pillaged purse.”

LITTLE JOHN
And of the remaining hundred, Robin?

ROBIN
They shall be set aside with the other monies for King Richard. For they are just taxes. And when our King returns from the Holy Crusade, he shall have sore need of funds to regain his throne.

MADISON
Oh, that’s right! King Richard is off fighting the Crusades.
Oof. That didn’t age well. Hard to root for the guy out violently forcing Christianity on people.

JONATHAN
Narrators aren’t supposed to give personal commentary. If they were, you might not care for the few choice things I would like to say.

MADISON
Have you been this surly all along?

JONATHAN
Read your copy!

MADISON
“Robin’s Merry Men set about the realm returning the Sheriff’s exuberant taxes to the poor.” I look forward to getting my tax returns every year. Well, the years I file my taxes. Crap. I haven’t filed my taxes since 2020. Do you think there’ll be penalties?

JONATHAN
The copy?

MADISON
If anyone from the IRS is listening, this is my official request for an extension based on unforeseen time travel.

JONATHAN
“But in his triumphant hour, unfortunate news besets the Prince of Thieves.”

MADISON
Something happened to Kevin Costner?

SCENE FIVE

WILL
Robin! Good Robin!

LITTLE JOHN
What, ho, Will? Why dost thou return in such haste?

WILL
Tis the Maid Marian! She– she–

ROBIN
Well, come speak, man! Wouldst thou stand by to torture me?

MADISON
Give him a sec! He’s been running in moccasin shoes with no soles. You can feel every damn rock in these things.

WILL
T’was as I was returning, Master, I met Good Jonas, the servant to my Lord Stanley. Ah, Robin, had I but twisted the neck of that dog when I held it in my hands!

MADISON
You were gonna do what to his dog?! How many centuries till there’s a humane society?

WILL
The dog of which I speak be the Sheriff!

MADISON
Oh, okay. I’m fine with people being killed in stories. But not the dog. And I get asked, “How can you put a dog’s life above a human life?” And I’m all, “because people suck?”

ROBIN
Quickly, man, tell me what has happened to my Maid Marian!

WILL
The Sheriff, Robin, he hath breached the castle and even now bears the Maid Marian into Nottingham.

LITTLE JOHN
The villain!

ROBIN
And hath he harmed a hair of her sweet head? Tell me! Is she unhurt?

MADISON
See? I would feel more concern right now if I found out Maid Marian were a cocker spaniel.

WILL
Aye, she is unhurt. But the attack was so sudden that none could act to save her. The sheriff was heard to say that she would hang for her friendship with you!

MADISON
“Thank you for being a friend… Travel up the gallows and –GAG– down again…”

WILL
Tis true, thou art no minstrel.

MADISON
You wanna give me attitude? Somebody get me a quarterstaff!

ROBIN
Enough! My bow, where is my bow, Little John!? I swear I shall not rest this night until I have found her safe!

MADISON
Relax! It’s not like she’s a cocker spaniel.

LITTLE JOHN
Nay, good master, restrain thyself. For our sheriff wishes to trap thee into such hasty action.

ROBIN
Aye, Little John, thou speak’st true. Call the men together. We must meet and hold council here in Sherwood Forest!

MADISON
A work meeting? Are we ordering pizza? The first known reference to the word “pizza” was in 997 C.E. Probably by the first boss who wanted to show his employees appreciation.

SCENE SIX

SHERIFF
Ah, Maid Marian. Dost think to wear away the stones of thy cell with pacing?

MAID MARIAN
Nay, Sir Sheriff. I do but find this bare cell too small. And these blank walls too stern.

MADISON
That cell is bigger than my first apartment. And she’s gettin’ it rent free!

SHERIFF
Didst think thou wert ever to walk freely in Sherwood, when once I learned thou wert his friend?

MADISON
Friend or girlfriend? What’s the relationship status here?

MAID MARIAN
I know full well I am but the bait for the snare thou settest for Robin Hood. Yet my Robin is not so headstrong to be so easily entrapped.

SHERIFF
Indeed, Maid Marian, then thou dost poorly estimate the power of love.

MADISON
“The Power of Love is a curious thing–”

JONATHAN
Madison!

MADISON
“Make a one man weep, make another man sing–”

JONATHAN
Madison!

MADISON
“Change a hawk to a little white dove–”

JONATHAN
Madison!! You have got to stop interrupting this scene! That’s not what a narrator does!

MADISON
Oh! I didn’t realize my mic was still on.

SHERIFF
Already I have set the date when Robin Hood shall surrender to me and his bandit band with him.

MAID MARIAN
No, it cannot be. Robin would not move because I languish in this cell.

MADISON
But I could play her role better. C’mon, Jonathan, admit it.

JONATHAN
I will concede that you were miscast as the minstrel.

MADISON
Thank you.

SHERIFF
Tis true, Robin would not stir as long as thou art in prison. But for a hanging… For tomorrow, by my proclamation, thou shalt be hanged at dusk– lest first Robin does surrender. Already do mine eyes behold the scene as the knave walks the aisle towards me in the banquet hall.

MAID MARIAN
Art thou then to have a carnival, sir Sheriff?

MADISON
Carnival or Renaissance Festival? Because this whole episode has been nothing but one bad Ren Faire show. Just missin’ the bawdy Washing Well Wenches.

JONATHAN
Somebody turn off her mic!

SHERIFF
Aye, a carnival! All Nottingham shall be there to see my triumph. My Lord Chancellor, himself, has but this day arrived from London town.

MAID MARIAN
Then my Lord Chancellor will see thy evil plot fail. For Robin shall not come to Nottingham.

SHERIFF
Thou stakest thy life on slimmest chance, Maid Marian. Already my messenger has been sent to bear my word to Robin Hood. The ultimatum will not fail. Then, shall we see who collects his dues at Nottinghamshire. The bandit or my Lord Sheriff?

MADISON
I be the Washing Well Wench! Dost thou gaze lustfully upon mine heaping bodice?!

JONATHAN
Get out of the booth!

SCENE SEVEN

ROBIN
Peace! Peace, good men of Sherwood! Let us hear what this messenger would tell us.

LITTLE JOHN
Here, let me speak my peace! Beware thou dost not ruffle my anger further!

SIMON
Good Master Hood, do not let these men have me. I do but my master’s bidding!

MADISON
Sure, sure. He’s “only following orders.” Check him for plane tickets to Argentina.

ROBIN
Settle all, settle! Thou shalt not be harmed here. Now, may you speak forth the words of thy vile master.

SIMON
My lord, the Sheriff of Nottingham bid me say that thee and thy men shall surrender to him in the banquet hall at Nottingham by sunset on the morrow.

LITTLE JOHN
Has the sheriff lost his poor wits that he sends thee to fetch us to him? You pipsqueak, you be not as much as the smallest of our band.

MADISON
Are you saying a “mouse” can’t defeat a “bear?”

LITTLE JOHN
All is possible when the mouse doth strike below thy belt.

MADISON
I notice you’re still walking funny.

ROBIN
Silence! Hear him out! For I doubt not our sheriff’s end is as evil as ever.

SIMON
May it please thy lordship, he has said that if this be not done, then the maid shall be hanged.

ROBIN
Be still men! And when shall this foul murder be done?

SIMON
It will be done before the people assembled in Nottingham.

ROBIN
Assembled? No doubt in a most festive manner.

MADISON
They’re having a Ren Faire. Or “Medieval Faire”? Either way, I’m assuming there’ll be turkey legs.

LITTLE JOHN
Good master, let me but lay my hands upon this foul dog!

SIMON
No! No!

ROBIN
I shall let him go in peace. Hear me now, unhappy weakling.

SIMON
Yes, my lordship?

ROBIN
Tell thy master he shall meet me at the appointed hour.

LITTLE JOHN
No, sweet Robin! It will be your life!

ROBIN
Tis but a small exchange for the life of Maid Marian. Tell him also that the maid must go free for my life alone. My men have no part of this.

WILL
Good Master, if thou go’st to such mean death, we shall tear down each stone of Nottingham.

ROBIN
Nay, dear Will. Save thy loyalties for the people who shall need them when I’m gone.

MADISON
Oof. Hittin’ that Jesus symbolism a little hard there. Next thing you know, Aslan will be sacrificed on the stone table.

ROBIN
Now you.

SIMON
Yes, my lord?

ROBIN
Get thee gone to thy master, ere the rage in me swells its bounds.

SIMON
Yes, yes, good Master! Your Lordship!

LITTLE JOHN
To me, men, our Robin is stricken by his grief.

ROBIN
Come, come, Little John. Tis only that our good Sheriff has left us a way to win the game.

MADISON
O-kay! Robin’s got a plan. Is this the montage where we build things out of scrap metal that is really conveniently available to us and super easy to put together?

ROBIN
Thou hast heard him say all assembled there?

LITTLE JOHN
Well, what of it?

ROBIN
Have we not friends among the tradespeople in the town?

MADISON
Ooo! We hire tradespeople to build the stuff? I’m for that, because I’m not really a great welder.

ROBIN
For this banquet, in our honor, the Sheriff will need many servants. And who may discover a strange face here and there in the great fronds about his table? Come, men! Seek ye the clothes of the household, and take care that they be loose fitting, that a sword or crossbow may be hid among them!

MADISON
Undercover as waitstaff. Yeah, because no one ever pays attention to the help. Unless you spill a tray of loaded nachos on the bride. Who told her to wear white?

ROBIN
Hold thyself. Not, you Alan-a-Dale. Methinks thee best befit a minstrel amidst the troubadours.

LITTLE JOHN
Surely her playing will reveal the truth of our contrivance!

MADISON
Was that another one of those poem insults?

ROBIN
Worry not, Little John. She shall mimic her instrument, but use her perch atop the stage to observe closely the actions of the Sheriff, should he seek to harm Maid Marian.

MADISON
What? Hey, Hannibal, you wanna clarify your plan for the rest of the A-Team?

ROBIN
Quickly, men! Prepare your parts. For the way to Nottingham may be open to us, but be assured that each gate shall be locked to Robin Hood comes the hour of our return!

MADISON
“I pity the fool who tries to stop us!” And that was the obligatory A-Team Mr. T reference.

SCENE EIGHT

SHERIFF
It would seem, my good Lord Chancellor, that our fair Maid Marian does not enjoy her meal.

CHANCELLOR
Peace, my Lord. There is not to be gained by taunting the unhappy.

MAID MARIAN
Worry not, my Lord, for I shall be happy, as my Robin hath not fallen into the Sheriff’s trap.

SHERIFF
Aye, what a craven the man must be. To let his loved one pay his debt so painfully.

CHANCELLOR
Craven, my lord? From the tales heard here, I should little think not. Have not thy men again and again entrapped him, only to see him burst forth from their snares?

MADISON
HA!

SHERIFF
Who dares such an exclamation?

CHANCELLOR
I do believe it’s origin may be found amongst the minstrels.

MAID MARIAN
Methinks that one does hold her lute upside down.

SHERIFF
Laugh all ye wish, minstrels, but in the end, the laugh shall be mine.

MAID MARIAN
If thou thinkest my death will make Robin your prey, thou art a fool.

SHERIFF
Nay, lass, for a man shorn of his loved one is as a ship without anchor. And his loss shall gnaw at his heart until revenge drives caution from his mind.

MADISON
HA!

SHERIFF
Which of thee minstrels does continue to mock me?

CHANCELLOR
Good Sheriff, what thinkest thou to gain by such cruelty in seeing this maiden swing? When that which all thy men and wiles could not win for thee?

MADISON
HA!

SHERIFF
Fie, minstrels! A rope on the gallows aside this maid for whichever of thee does next flap thy tongue!

CHANCELLOR
Methinks, my lord Sheriff, that our King’s trust in thee has been somewhat misplaced.

SHERIFF
Nay, have I not administered well? Does not Nottingham surpass all the shires in taxes collected in his majesty’s name?

MAID MARIAN
Aye, and do not her people feel the bitter yoke of thy master’s more than all England? Good, my Lord Chancellor, without my Robin’s kind offices, the shire would run with blood many times over. For he alone has spoken out against the Sheriff, and for our King.

SHERIFF
Men! Bring to me that lute player!

MADISON
I didn’t say anything!

SHERIFF
Well, minstrel, hast thou mistook thy station for that of a jester?

MADISON
I am better at comedy than music. Or specifically sarcastic throw away lines and Gen X pop culture references.

SHERIFF
I find no humor in any word thou hast uttered.

MADISON
Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout, Sheriff?

SHERIFF
Servants! Take her away to the cells!

CHANCELLOR
My lord Sheriff, be this how thy treat the subjects of thine shire? Tis no wonder there be discontent with thee and a loving word for Robin Hood.

SHERIFF
Nay, sir, there is great affection for me amidst the folk. Good people, a toast! Here, servants! Fill up the guests goblets that they may join me. Here, thou tall one, fill my Lord’s glass that he may join the toast.

ROBIN
Aye, good Sheriff.

SHERIFF
By my beard, that one I have seen before.

MADISON
Uh, hey, Sheriff, if I’m not goin’ to the dungeon, hand me one of them goblets. I’ll toast ya. Get me drunk enough and I might even say something nice about ya. Or take off my bodice. Could go either way.

SHERIFF
Hear me, good people! Thy Sheriff drinks to the death of the bandits!

MADISON
To Smokey and the Bandit!

SHERIFF
What say you?

MADISON
B.J. and the Bear!

SHERIFF
Quiet!

MADISON Cannonball Run!

SHERIFF
Men! Take her away!

ROBIN
Methinks the Sheriff does need his goblet refilled!

SHERIFF
Robin Hood!

ROBIN
What now, good Sheriff? I have accepted thy invitation. Hast no word for an honored guest?

SHERIFF
Servants! Seize this man!

MAID MARIAN
Robin! I wished thee not to come. Now the Sheriff will have the better of thee!

ROBIN
Worry not, fair maid, for if thou wilt but look about the room, thou wilt find my men at every door, and behind every chair. For they have been the Sheriff’s servants this night!

MADISON
But don’t think that means you get outta paying for the catering.

SHERIFF
The insolence!

ROBIN
Mind thy temper, Sheriff, for all my men do have their bows drawn and their swords at the ready.

MADISON
Your castle might want to think about getting metal detectors.

SHERIFF
I shall bide my time. There is a long road from Nottingham to Sherwood Forest.

ROBIN
I look forward to our next meeting. Maid Marian, tis time for thee to depart.

MAID MARIAN
Aye, Robin.

ROBIN
Go thee to where Will Scarlet stands. His life is thy guarantee of safe passage to Sherwood.

MAID MARIAN
Oh, ne’er had I thought such a sweet sight would greet mine eyes again.

MADISON
“Oh, Ne’er had I thought such a sweet sight would greet mine eyes again.”

ROBIN
Dost thou mock the woman I love?

MADISON
No. I’m just showin’ I coulda done her role.

MAID MARIAN
Robin! Didst thou just profess thy love for me?

MADISON
“Robin! Didst thou just profess thy love for me?”

MAID MARIAN
Stop that at once!

MADISON
“Stop that at once!”

MAID MARIAN
Robin!

MADISON
“Robin!”

ROBIN
Truly, this be neither the time nor the place.

WILL
Robin! The Sheriff hath a knife!

SHERIFF
Now shall I take thy heart, bandit!

ROBIN
Not if my bow doth take thine first!

SHERIFF
Ha, bandit! Thy shot hath missed! Now shall I have thee!

CHANCELLOR
Now by King Richard’s hand! Yon bandit hath pinned our noble Sheriff to his seat. What, sir Sheriff, wouldst take Robin Hood whence thou cannot rise?

ROBIN
Now, good Sheriff, it is well for thee that I bear no malice for thy treachery. I cannot, for the Maid Marian hath this day been returned.

CHANCELLOR
Oh, by my faith! How the King will roar at thy bravery, Robin Hood! I cannot but wish thee well.

ROBIN
My Lord Chancellor, thou art a man after mine own heart. And shouldst thy path take thee to Sherwood on thy return, our hospitality is thine. And prithee, come you in the company of a Holy Man. For he shall wed the Maid Marian to her Robin Hood.

MAID MARIAN/MADISON
Oh, Robin! Stop that. No you stop that! Robin!

ROBIN
Ladies! M’ladies please!

SHERIFF
I can hang them both if thee like.

SCENE NINE

JONATHAN
Madison, you need to wrap up the story!

MADISON
You do it!

JONATHAN
All right, but you’re missing the end of your own anniversary show. Now draw the curtain closed, good gentle folk, and in the mind is conjured up the dreams of all who love bold adventures and honest hearts. And in your futures, turn ye each one to Sherwood Forest and become young again at the daring do of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.

MADISON
I just wanted to be Maid Marian, ya know? I mean, who doesn’t want to be the romantic lead to a swashbuckling hero like Errol Flynn or Kevin Costner or that Fox who is probably way more sexy than a canine should be. Damn you, Disney.

JONATHAN
I know. I know. But you have a whole new year ahead of you. You might meet someone.

MADISON
In old timey radio?! I just keep getting zapped around. How am I supposed to get serious with anybody?

JONATHAN
You could try being less sarcastic.

MADISON
I will not change for any man.

JONATHAN
All right. Why don’t we get some hard liquor in you, hmm? You’ll feel better.

MADISON
Yeah. Okay.

JONATHAN
Do you want me to do the epilogue?

MADISON
Would you?

JONATHAN
Just this once. Because its your anniversary.

MADISON
Four years. Woo!

EPILOGUE

JONATHAN
“The Family Theater” was a half hour drama anthology series which ran on the Mutual Broadcasting Network for ten years from 1947 to 1957. It was created by Patrick Peyton, a Holy Cross priest who wanted to create Christian programming. However, the Mutual Network said they’d only provide the airtime as long as the stories were nonsectarian, so the show then focused on adventures with moral problems. Peyton paid for production through church donations, running no ads during the episodes. The series featured a long list of Hollywood celebrities over the decade, and when it went to TV in 1951, would boast an early appearance of James Dean. After Peyton’s death in 1991, the Family Theater Productions was taken over by the Holy Cross Family Ministries where the original shows were remastered and continue to be played throughout the world today, promoting their tag line “A family that prays together, stays together.”