MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE ADVENTURES OF PHILIP MARLOWE: THE LADIES NIGHT”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAY 2022
SCENE ONE
MADISON
Get this and get it straight. Crime is a sucker’s road and those who travel it wind up in the gutter, the prison or the grave… or elected office. Or CEOs of major corporations. Or– Sorry. Guess we’re not talkin’ white collar crime.
ANNOUNCER
From the pen of Raymond Chandler, outstanding author of crime fiction–
MADISON
And from the MacBook Pro of Chrisi Talyn Saje, adapter of old time radio shows–
ANNOUNCER
Comes his most famous character in… The Adventures of Philip Marlowe! Now with Gerald Mohr–
MADISON
Madison Standish!
ANNOUNCER
-starred
MADISON
Subbing!
ANNOUNCER
As Philip Marlowe! We bring you tonight’s exciting story… “The Ladies Night.”
MADISON
Ladies Night! Woot-woot! Yup, you heard right. Strap in because we’ve got a peddler of pulp paper love, a blackmailer with muscles, a south-of-the-border chiseler, a simpering prude and a corpse in a bedroom all with one thing in common. They’re all women! Girls’ night out, baby! Yeah! Let’s hit it! “And the moment the sauce is boiling furiously–” which, oh crap, is right now– “add one full cup of tomato paste, gradually, and stir vigorously.” Stupid 1950 with no microwaves. Okay. One full cup of tomato paste– Gah! Ohmygawd! Are you freakin’ kidding me? Okay! I’ll be right there! Dang it! Welp, I added the tomato paste. Including the measuring cup. My kingdom for a take-out menu. Shut up! I’m coming! Whoever you are, you owe me an Italian dinner!
WESTERN UNION
Uh… Western Union telegram for Philip Marlowe?
MADISON
Well, the dude’s not here. He’s like this really big-time noir detective, right? So I show up at his place thinkin’ this is gonna be the best adventure I’ve had yet, and I find a note on the door saying he went outta town, make myself at home, and he’ll be back in a few days. You believe that crap?
WESTERN UNION
Umm… well…
MADISON
And look at this place! I’ve seen jail cells with more amenities.
WESTERN UNION
It is a bachelor apartment, all right.
MADISON
He’s got like, no food, so I was trying to make spaghetti. For whatever reason, single guys always have the ingredients to make spaghetti. And they brag about it. “Oh, you’re gonna love my sauce.” Okay, Chef Boyardee, you can open a can. Congratulations.
WESTERN UNION
Uh… did you want to take this telegram?
MADISON
I’m sorry. Totally didn’t mean to dump on you. And you’re probably a bachelor, too, right? I mean, no way you’re bringin’ in the big bucks delivering telegrams.
WESTERN UNION
Well… no…
MADISON
It’s like when I made squat driving for UberEats. I mean, it was better than driving for Lyft and worrying about drunks puking in my backseat, but does everybody have to order Indian? There is not a single cleaning agent on this planet that can remove the stink of curry.
WESTERN UNION
Maybe… I should… I should come back.
MADISON
No, no, no. Come on in.
MADISON
My hands are all greasy. Why don’t you read the telegram to me.
WESTERN UNION
Um, okay–
MADISON
Telegrams are funny, huh? They’re like if someone had to print out and hand deliver a text.
WESTERN UNION
Well, they’re cheaper than calling long distance.
MADISON
Really? That’s why people used them? So you’re basically reading me my voice mail?
WESTERN UNION
Um…
MADISON
Do it! Go ahead, read it.
WESTERN UNION
All right… “Tried to reach you all day. Very important. Meet me at the Tulip Room on the Sunset Strip at eight tonight. Will triple your fee. Time means everything. Gigi Hornsby.”
MADISON
Wait! Aren’t you supposed to say “stop” after each sentence? “Tried to reach you all day. Stop. Very important. Stop.” Like that.
WESTERN UNION
Um–
MADISON
Stop.
WESTERN UNION
Okay–
MADISON
Stop.
WESTERN UNION
Well–
MADISON
Stop.
WESTERN UNION
Maybe–
MADISON
Stop.
WESTERN UNION
Stop!
MADISON
Stop.
WESTERN UNION
“Stop” was only used before there was punctuation in telegrams!
MADISON
O.M.G.! No one used punctuation? So old timey telegrams really were texts! U r hot. Stop. LOL. Stop. Egg plant emoji. Stop.
WESTERN UNION
I should go–
MADISON
Wait! Hang on. Who was that telegram from?
WESTERN UNION
It says, “Gigi Hornsby.” You actually know Gigi Hornsby?
MADISON
No. Why, do you?
WESTERN UNION
Oh, sure. She’s the editor for Passman House.
MADISON
Okay…
WESTERN UNION
She publishes magazines about love. Great passion. You know, the “shop girls’ encyclopedia.”
MADISON
And a favorite among Western Union delivery guys, I see.
WESTERN UNION
Well, there’s a lot of downtime in the Western Union office… and the secretaries…
MADISON
Hey! I don’t judge. Be your true self. As much as you can in that bellboy meets milkman uniform. So, you know anything else about her?
WESTERN UNION
They say she’s quite a character. Sleek to look at and tough as nails. Someplace between a career woman and a marine sergeant.
MADISON
Hmmm. She offers three times Marlowe’s fee. What do you think his fee is?
WESTERN UNION
Twenty-five dollars a day plus expenses.
MADISON
Really?
WESTERN UNION
I read a lot of noir, too.
MADISON
No wonder the guy is living off of canned spaghetti. Oh, crap, the sauce! That’s just great. The molten lava has melted down the tin measuring cup.
WESTERN UNION
Say, it’s nearly eight o’clock now. Are you gonna try and meet Gigi Hornsby?
MADISON
Do you think I should?
WESTERN UNION
I’d jump at the chance.
MADISON
But I’m probably gonna start a fire with this stupid spaghetti. I nearly did that once in my dorm room. My RA ended up dating one of the firemen, but she still wrote me up for it.
WESTERN UNION
I’ll take care of it!
MADISON
Well, huh. My better judgement says not to leave a stranger in Philip Marlowe’s apartment alone. But my better judgement also lead me to be a groupie for a K-Pop band. That was the first time I woke up with a hangover in Seoul.
SCENE TWO
MADISON
The Tulip Room was one of those extra chic spots curled up at the base of the Hollywood Hills. The type of place where you might catch one of the lesser Kardashians trying to get the paparazzi to notice her. The booths were all full with young hotties hanging on old money. I felt right at home. It was pretty easy to spot Gigi Hornsby. Her tailored grey suit stood out like a Walmart shopper in a Whole Foods Market. Her voice cut through the atmosphere with the precision of a Ginsu knife and then she got to the equally sharp point.
GIGI
All right, Miss Standish. If you think you can help me, here’s my problem. I want to find a woman in a hurry. Her name is Henrietta Lawrence. She’s a good hack writer who disappeared, I know not why.
MADISON
Maybe because her name was “Henrietta Lawrence”?
GIGI
I’m talking.
MADISON
Sorry.
GIGI
Now here it is, 1,2,3. A couple of weeks ago Henrietta showed up at my office from some place like Seattle or Portland, I forget which, and handed me an outline for a three installment serial story that was excellent.
MADISON
Dude, you publish trashy romance. What’s the standard of excellence? That a bored housewife gets so steamed up she adds grapes to her Jell-O mold?
GIGI
Why are you talking while I’m talking?
MADISON
Sorry.
GIGI
Three days ago she brought in the first two installments, also excellent, but the day before yesterday, when the third installment was due, she only got as far as the front door. I watched it all from my office window. She saw somebody going by slowly in a car. It scared the daylights out of her and she hobbled for a cab.
MADISON
I’m sorry, interrupting.
GIGI
What? What did you not comprehend?
MADISON
You just said she “hobbled” for a cab?
GIGI
Yeah. She limps. Uses a cane. Anyway–
MADISON
Whoa, back it up, Miss Sensitivity Training. You can’t say things like that about a person with a disability.
GIGI
So she’s a gimp? What’s the big deal?
MADISON
Wow. Okay, 1950. I’ve got some videos for you to watch when we’re done here. And pay attention, there will be a quiz afterwards.
GIGI
Look, she piled into this cab and took off. I haven’t had a word from her since and I’m worried. She’s a nervous thing. The kind who’d go to pieces. Little ones. Fast. So I want you to find this girl. She may be in an awful jam.
MADISON
Well, okay, um… besides requiring a cane to assist her mobility, how else can you describe her? And try and keep the slurs to a minimum.
GIGI
Henrietta is about thirty-five, on the drab side. No makeup, no jewelry. Each time I saw her she was always wearing the same thing, a plain brown coat with a plainer brown hat. All the sex appeal of a tumbleweed.
MADISON
Throw stones in that glass house much?
GIGI
How’s that?
MADISON
Never mind. How ’bout an address. Do you know where she lives?
GIGI
The address she gave me was the Bryce Hotel for Women, room seven. It’s over on Fountain near La Cienega. But she hasn’t checked back there in two days. And the flower-of-the-Old-South desk clerk I talked to on the phone hasn’t the– “slightest idea where Henrietta is.” But maybe you’ll have better luck with her. Her name is Clarisse.
MADISON
Dude, I’ve never met a mean girl in tweed.
GIGI
You can reach me at my home in Brentwood. Sunnyside-9, 1011.
MADISON
Got it.
GIGI
I’ll stay next to the phone. Really do your best, will you Madison?
MADISON
Absolutely. But you should know, my best only got me into junior college.
SCENE THREE
CLARISSE
Good evening, Bryce Hotel… Miss Violet Moore? One moment please… Go ahead. Oh, hello, may I help you?
MADISON
Wow. She wasn’t kiddin’ about that Southern accent.
CLARISSE
I beg your pardon?
MADISON
Aw, man. Whenever I’m around someone with a strong Southern accent, I always start talkin’ like ’em. I become some sort of accent chameleon.
CLARISSE
I see. Uh, is there somethin’ I can do for you?
MADISON
I’m a private detective, Clarisse.
CLARISSE
Oh! A private detective! And you know my name?
MADISON
Why, sho’ nuff!
CLARISSE
Well! How can little ol’ me assist you?
MADISON
You see, sugar, it’s about Henrietta Lawrence. She’s the poor unfortunate girl with the cane?
CLARISSE
Oh, that sweet, sweet child.
MADISON
Mm-hmm. She’s got herself in a heap o’ trouble. And I think it’s a man.
CLARISSE
So do I!
MADISON
Do y’all know who it is?
CLARISSE
Well, no, I do not. Oh, that Henrietta. She was always so quiet, so mysterious. It was enough to make a body curious.
MADISON
You don’t say!
CLARISSE
So one night… I followed her.
MADISON
That a fact?
CLARISSE
She went to Annie Stringer’s Hollywood Health Club. That’s a ladies Turkish bath over on Santa Monica Boulevard and Doheny.
MADISON
You sho’ she didn’t just duck on in there because she knew you was followin’ her?
CLARISSE
Oh, no! I was very careful. Besides, she had somethin’ to say to a woman there. I know because I saw them talkin’ in the doorway when I went by. But I couldn’t see who it was, though.
MADISON
Pity that. So, not a man, then?
CLARISSE
Not that I saw. But I’ll keep my eyes open when she comes back.
MADISON
You’d do that for me? Well, bless your heart!
CLARISSE
You have a lovely night now, ya hear? Good evening, the Bryce Hotel for Women.
MADISON
Oh, man, I gotta get outta here. I’m starting to sound like a Petticoat Junction marathon. Pretty soon people will start calling me “Maddy-Jo.”
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
So I headed over to the corner of Santa Monica Boulevard and Doheny and Annie Stringer’s Hollywood Health Club for Women. I always preferred gyms that were women only. Especially after doing yoga at LA Fitness. With my butt in the air in downward facing dog, I could see a balcony full of drooling guys running on treadmills watching my every move. Seriously. You guys at gyms are boarder line predators. When I walked in the door I set my sights on the receptionist, but before I could make it to the counter, a door opened.
ANNIE
Ah. You must be the one here for the new member tour. I’m Annie Stringer. Let me show you around.
MADISON
Whoa, time out! I’m not here to join.
ANNIE
Are you sure? You look a little soft there, sister.
MADISON
Did you just fat shame me? Because I’ll admit, since I started being in these old timey radio shows, I haven’t had the opportunity to work out. And your food in the past is so heavy and fried and made with butter. It’s like every meal I’m eating at a traveling carnival.
ANNIE
Then let me show you around. We have state of the art fitness classes with only the best instructors.
MADISON
Really?
ANNIE
Guaranteed to get you into top shape.
MADISON
That… that does sound good.
ANNIE
Wonderful. Mona? Mona is my receptionist. Very professional, always takes good care of our members. Mona?
MONA
Si, Annie? What can I do for you?
ANNIE
Hold my calls for a while, will ya? I’m gonna take Mrs. Gordon here for a tour of the club.
MONA
But Annie, that is not Mrs. Gordon. Mrs. Gordon is the one sitting over there in the waiting area.
ANNIE
You ain’t Gordon?
MADISON
Uh, no. I’m Madison Standish. Hi. I’m… a friend of Henrietta Lawrence’s from Portland? They told me over at the Bryce Hotel that she might be here.
ANNIE
Is that so?
MADISON
But I really like your club. You’ve got Curves beat hands down. Can I go on the tour, too?
ANNIE
Henrietta Lawrence, huh? Well, the name doesn’t mean anything to me. Mona will help you. Mona, check to see if we have a member by that name.
MONA
Very well, Annie.
ANNIE
Come along, Mrs. Gordon. Let me show you around. Goodbye, Miss Standish.
MONA
I’m sorry, Miss Standish–
MADISON
Call me Madison.
MONA
Madison. But I don’t recall any Henrietta Lawrence ever having being with us. But why don’t we check the registration card at my desk to be sure. I might be mistaken.
MADISON
Cool, thanks. Say, you get any celebrities in here? I once thought I saw Ryan Reynolds at the Van Nuys 24 Hour Fitness. It wasn’t him, but I stayed an extra hour on the elliptical machine trying to find out. Talk about buns of steel.
MONA
Never mind.
MADISON
What?
MONA
I know her, amiga. Just listen. You see, Madison, the cards here list everyone whoever visits the club. Why do you really want Henrietta Lawrence?
MADISON
Uh… well… I’m kinda working as a private detective. I got a client looking for her.
MONA
A client who has money, amiga?
MADISON
Uh… yeah, I guess. Though with money you’d think she’d dress better.
MONA
I may be able to help you. I am a good friend to Annie. Her, um… confidant you might say.
MADISON
Oh. You wanna double cross Annie’s trust for money?
MONA
You want the information or not?
MADISON
Women really are bitches to each other.
MONA
Meet me in the alley behind the hardware store across the street in half an hour. We close then. Well, I am sorry, Madison, but we don’t seem to have a listing for a Henrietta Lawrence.
MADISON
Oh, okay, then. Thanks anyway.
MONA
You’re quite welcome. Don’t keep me waiting, amiga.
MADISON
Maybe in the meantime I could jump on that tour with Mrs. Gordon?
MONA
With Annie?
MADISON
Why should you betraying her keep me from having a tight butt?
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
I had thirty minutes to kill, so I found this all night diner down the street. Of course, after being in that gym, the last thing I wanted was another plate of greasy fattening 1950’s food. So I drank a cup of coffee that tasted like it was filtered through a pair of crocs and then headed down to the alley behind the hardware store. I was expecting some big Home Depot, but that old timey hardware store couldn’t even fit their toilet department. So, consequently, the alley was small and pretty dark. Against my better judgement, once again, I walked back there. That’s when I felt someone grab me from behind!
ANNIE
You move one inch, Madison, and I’ll break your wrist off and hand it to you! I was a lady wrestler!
MADISON
Oh, yeah? Well, I watched all three seasons of GLOW!
ANNIE
You’re squirming like a fish on a hook!
MADISON
I’m trying to do the Stone Cold Stunner… Just… gotta… grab your neck–
ANNIE
Maybe you oughta give up. You’re libel to hurt yourself.
MADISON
You’re right. Screw this!
ANNIE
Ah! What is that?!
MADISON
Pepper spray!
ANNIE
Hey, that’s playing dirty!
MADISON
Clearly you’ve never watched WWE. Totally acceptable prop usage.
ANNIE
All right, I’ll concede this round. I haven’t got the patience. Now, what’s your angle, flatfoot?
MADISON
Uh… Well, I never got that tour. Does your gym have a pool?
ANNIE
What? I thought you were looking for Henrietta Lawrence.
MADISON
Sure, yeah. But I also haven’t had a gym membership since I got stuck in these old timey radio shows. And yours is centrally located to most of the LA based noir detectives.
ANNIE
So… did you want any info on Henrietta?
MADISON
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatcha got?
ANNIE
Henrietta came from Seattle, not Portland.
MADISON
Meh. It’s all the Pacific Northwest to me. Granola and guns.
ANNIE
Yeah… well, here’s some unsolicited advice: forget Henrietta Lawrence, shamus. And that goes for the letter, too.
MADISON
My name’s Madison, not shamus. And what letter?
ANNIE
Nothin’! Nothin’! Just forget the whole thing!
MADISON
Oh, no. You can’t bring up a letter and then immediately say “forget the letter” because now all I can think about is the letter.
ANNIE
Well, too bad. What’re ya gonna do? Use that spray again? I went easy on ya, cookie. Next time I’ll break all your fingers so you can’t use that spray.
MADISON
You know, you’d be really good at teaching women’s defense classes. You ever thought about doing that at your gym?
ANNIE
Cut the malarkey. You just tell that Henrietta Lawrence to call off her bloodhounds or that letter will go right to the cops. They’ll know exactly what to do with it.
MADISON
So, hey, what are your membership fees? You offer a payment plan? She’s still not as scary as that recruiter from Gold’s Gym. You go in to see what spinning classes they got and you end up with twelve hours of police interrogation techniques and a four year family membership.
ANNOUNCER
In just a moment, the second act of Philip Marlowe.
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SIX
ANNOUNCER
Now we return to: “The Adventures of Philip Marlowe.”
MADISON
I watched Annie Stringer hurry out of sight down the alley. She walked defeated, like someone who’d lost one of those hashtag challenges but still knew her major fail was gonna get her likes. And that’s when my actual date arrived.
MONA
Senorita Madison?
MADISON
S’up.
MONA
Oh, si, you are here. Are we alone?
MADISON
Unless any more of your coworkers show up. This alley is so popular, Vanity Fair wants to hold their Oscar After Party here.
MONA
This is not a matter to make fun. It is worth my life what I am going to tell you, and you like me alive, no?
MADISON
I always prefer living people to dead ones. Mainly for the stink factor.
MONA
All right, then. Let me tell you about Henrietta Lawrence. You see, there is a certain letter–
MADISON
Wah-wah. You’re second verse on that letter. Already know ’bout it.
MONA
Ah, but do you know where it is and what it says?
MADISON
You tellin’ me, you know the whole chorus?
MONA
Si. And I would love to give it to you for nothing but…
MADISON
Oh! Oh, right. This is the part where I bribe you to betray Annie.
MONA
You are certainly very direct about these things.
MADISON
You wanna tell me how to rephrase it so you don’t come off sounding like a lying betraying Judas?
MONA
I am doing this to help you, you know.
MADISON
You’re doing this for your thirty pieces of silver, sweetie. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I sold out my sister once for a pack of Pokemon cards.
MONA
This is a very serious thing. I take a great risk. Annie Stringer is stupid, but she is also strong… like a bull.
MADISON
Meh. Took her down easy. Just a little mace to the face.
MONA
Come to my apartment. 8310 North Ardmore, Number D.
MADISON
“D” is a letter.
MONA
Meet me there in one hour.
MADISON
Why do I gotta wait a whole hour? Can’t we just carpool together over there right now?
MONA
No. I… I have errands to run first.
MADISON
It’s like midnight. What errands?
MONA
Look, amiga, this is how noir is done, okay? You have other scenes to do first to build the tension. Then you will meet me again. Understand?
MADISON
But–
MONA
Aye! Amateurs.
MADISON
Well! I hope nobody’s got any place they gotta be, because apparently I gotta drag this story out to create “tension.”
SCENE SEVEN
GIGI
Hello?
MADISON
S’up, Gigi.
GIGI
That you, Madison?
MADISON
Yeah. I needed to pad some time so I thought I’d give you a call. I think I ate up about twenty minutes just trying to find a phone I could use. I ended up at the Hollywood Greyhound station.
MAN
Ahhh! My eyes!
MADISON
What did I say about coming near me?!
GIGI
Have you found anything out about Henrietta?
MADISON
Yeah, but you’re not gonna like it.
GIGI
What do you mean?
MADISON
She’s getting blackmailed. I’ve only been blackmailed once, for some photos I took. I was terrified they’d get published. My bangs were way to short and I had this big zit on my nose? O.M.G… if those photos ever get out…
GIGI
Madison! Who’s blackmailing Henrietta?
MADISON
This female wrestler who owns this really cool gym. I’m wondering if it’s worth getting a membership. I mean, with all the time travel I do between shows, what if the next time I’m in town is before the gym was even built?
GIGI
What’s this lady wrestler got on Henrietta?
MADISON
I dunno. I guess it’s all in some letter.
GIGI
A letter?
MADISON
Yeah. One of those letters that if anything happens to her it gets mailed to the cops, blah, blah, blah. Pretty basic.
GIGI
Where is the letter? Who has it?
MADISON
This girl, Mona. I’m meeting her at her place.
GIGI
Madison, we must get that letter!
MAN
Ahh!!!
MADISON
I said back off! Mona’s willing to sell it, but she wants some bucks for it.
GIGI
That doesn’t matter. Anything I can do to help Henrietta, I want to do now more than ever.
MADISON
What do you mean?
GIGI
I heard from her. She called me a few minutes ago. She was crying, said it was the end of everything. She tried to tell me about the last installment of the story, but then she was interrupted. She gasped out something that sounded like the American Airlines ticketing office and then the line went dead. There are two of those offices in town. Why don’t you check the Hollywood one.
MADISON
That is it! I am done with you! Ya like that? Huh? You’re gonna be legally blind for a week!
GIGI
Madison!
MADISON
Don’t you wave that Bible at me! What are you pointing at? Your throat? Ohhhh… crap.
GIGI
Madison?
MADISON
Yeah, so… I just pepper sprayed a priest.
GIGI
The American Airlines office–
MADISON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, Gigi, I gotta go.
GIGI
I’ll meet you at Mona’s. Where does she live?
MADISON
Uh… 8310 North Ardmore, number D. Letter D. Apartment D, whatever! Officer! Wait! I can explain! Wow, I use that phrase a lot.
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
Well, I tried to explain, but ended up down the path of tears and hyperventilating until the men all felt uncomfortable and let me go. Not a proud feminist moment, but sometimes you gotta know how to work the room. I went and checked the Hollywood American Airlines ticketing office to see if they’d sold a ticket to Henrietta, but no luck. By then, I’d built enough tension in the story to be able to go meet Mona. That’s when it started pouring rain. I’m all used to modern day Los Angeles. Dried up with drought. Not 1950 noir Los Angeles. That kind of ambiance requires a heck of a lot of rain. I got to 8310 North Ardmore. Number D was apparently way in the back of the complex, of course, because why would I have an umbrella? It’s LA. I found myself following a fresh set of footprints filling with water, and beside each footprint was a little round hole in the mud. But before it could even register, I heard crying from inside Mona’s apartment. So I hurried in. Mona! Dude, you okay? What happened?
MONA
Madison! That woman was waiting for me here in the dark!
MADISON
I offered to come home with you but, no, you wanted me to “build tension.”
MONA
I did not think the tension would be a big club! She grab me and beat me with it!
MADISON
Oh! The footsteps! It wasn’t a club, it was a cane! It was Henrietta!
MONA
And look! She wreck my apartment!
MADISON
Okay, I didn’t want to assume. I can be kinda messy myself. We went through at least seven housekeepers when I was in my teens. I broke them all.
MONA
No, no, she did this! And she found it. She took the letter.
MADISON
Crap. Okay, then. You gotta tell me what that letter said. What was Annie blackmailing her about?
MONA
Somebody’s outside!
MADISON
Oh, chill. It’s just Gigi. C’mon in!
GIGI
Hello, Madison, is this the tortilla pounder you told me about?
MADISON
Whoa! What?!
MONA
Just a minute, you! You can’t call me names!
MADISON
My god, Gigi! First people with disabilities, now racial slurs?
GIGI
You’re a lousy housekeeper, sister, what happened? The Mexican hat dance get outta control?
MADISON
Geez! You sound like the keynote speaker at a Trump rally!
GIGI
I know how to handle these little tamales. You gotta show ’em who’s in charge or they’ll walk all over ya.
MONA
Spoken like a true spinster who will never attract a man!
GIGI
Why you!
MADISON
Both of you chill the F out! My gawd! You two realize this show was originally written by a man, right? We don’t have to behave like this towards each other.
GIGI
I’m sorry. I’m just upset about Henrietta.
MONA
And I’m upset I just got beaten by Henrietta.
GIGI
What are you talking about?
MADISON
That’s what I was about to tell you before you started spouting all your hate speech. Henrietta got here before us and took the letter. Mona was just about to tell me what it said.
GIGI
Fine. Let’s have it.
MADISON
“Please.”
GIGI
Please.
MONA
Henrietta Lawrence killed a woman in Seattle four years ago and Annie saw her do it.
GIGI
You’re lying!
MONA
She had names, dates, places, everything.
GIGI
I can’t believe it. I just can’t. She’s such a swell person.
MADISON
Based on what exactly? I’ve spent more time getting to know guys I’ve hooked up with in a bar bathroom than you have with this Henrietta Lawrence.
GIGI
Well, look. She left the final installment of her story for me at the Wilshire ticketing office.
MADISON
Okay, so she meets her deadlines. She also probably murdered somebody and is about to murder somebody else.
GIGI
Are you crazy? What are you talking about?
MADISON
Dude, Gigi, pay attention. The letter was worthless except for being protection for Annie Stringer, right? So if Henrietta has the letter, it won’t go to the cops. So now she’s free to…
GIGI
Kill Annie. Holy mackerel, I didn’t even think.
MONA
You should, senora. You’ve got nothing else to work with.
GIGI
Drop dead.
MADISON
All right, all right. Our female writer can only adapt this guy’s writing so much. Gigi, you need to back off. Go home and wait to hear from me, ya got it?
GIGI
Okay, Madison, whatever you say. Call me a soon as you can, won’t you?
MADISON
Absolutely. Provided I can find a pay phone that isn’t in a bus depot. I think I’m banned from Greyhound now. Or the Catholic church. One of the two.
GIGI
All right. I’ll be waiting.
MADISON
Okay, Mona, let’s go.
MONA
Me?
MADISON
Yah.
MONA
Oh, no, amiga. The letter is gone, and so is Mona’s interest.
MADISON
Girl, you know Annie, so you need to help me. Besides, if your boss dies, I’m gonna guess there’s not gonna be a job for you to come back to.
MONA
I can find another job, amiga.
MADISON
Even after I make sure every potential new employer knows you were ready to betray your last boss for money?
MONA
You can’t do that!
MADISON
I can’t? Ask my sister why she never got any babysitting jobs.
MONA
Aye! All right, Madison, I go with you.
MADISON
We’re cool going over now, right? No extra scenes for tension?
MONA
I’m not the one who makes the rules in these shows, amiga.
MADISON
I like to remain blissfully unaware of the rules, so if I break any, I can plead out on a lesser charge.
SCENE NINE
MADISON
Okay, so, Annie’s not in her apartment, and she’s not at the gym. And if we have to drive any more in this noir rain ambiance, we’re gonna end up in a ditch.
MONA
I don’t know where else she could be, amiga.
MADISON
I dunno, has she done anything usual lately? Something not part of her normal routine? Like, I figured out my boyfriend was cheating on me when he stopped going to the Starbucks on Ventura and started going to the Starbucks on Riverside. He thought he could date a barista and I wouldn’t find out?
MONA
Well, she went out on Fountain Avenue in a big hurry a couple of days ago.
MADISON
O.M.G.! Henrietta’s hotel is on Fountain! You think Annie would be stupid enough to go there now, at night?
MONA
I told you already, Annie is stupid. She thinks her muscles make up for it, but she can’t balance the books. She can only bench press them.
MADISON
Do you realize, every female character in this story has totally thrown shade at every other female character? Making me a little homesick.
SCENE TEN
MADISON
Come on, Mona, keep up. Henrietta’s room is just down the hall.
CLARISSE
Now, wait one moment! You cain’t just waltz on back there! It’s residents only! Oh! It’s you again, Madison.
MADISON
Well, howdee, Clarisse! You burnin’ the midnight oil?
CLARISSE
Just tryin’ to keep the bill collectors at bay.
MADISON
Ain’t that the truth!
MONA
What is happening right now?
CLARISSE
Are you still lookin’ for Miss Lawrence in number seven?
MADISON
Sho’ nuff.
CLARISSE
Well, you are in luck! She’s here now. Came back about half an hour ago with her friend. The biggest woman I ever saw outside of a country faire, if you catch my meanin’.
MONA
That I understood. It’s Annie.
MADISON
You mind if we go on back, Clarisse? I promise we won’t make a peep.
CLARISSE
Private investigator business, I presume?
MADISON
That it is!
CLARISSE
Here! Take my passkey. Oh! This is so excitin’! You think this’ll be in the papers?
MADISON
I think they’ll hear about this all the way back in — where y’all from?
CLARISSE
San Diego.
MADISON
San Diego?
MONA
Come on Madison, we should hurry.
MADISON
Thanks… Clarisse.
CLARISSE
My pleasure!
MONA
Here it is. Number seven.
MADISON
Henrietta! Henrietta! Open up!
MONA
Use the key!
MADISON
Yeah, okay. Ew. Looks like you’re hittin’ the want ads tomorrow, Mona.
MONA
Annie. Dead with a knife.
MADISON
Window’s open. Henrietta must’ve climbed out there. She’s lucky she’s on the first floor. Mine was a second floor window. If it wasn’t for my brother’s rock climbing gear, I’d never have been able to sneak out of the house. Repelling in a mini skirt definitely takes some skill.
MONA
But how could she? She walks with a cane.
MADISON
She walks with a cane. She’s not a quadriplegic. Yup, look outside. There’s footprints in the mud with cane marks. Just like… Huh.
MONA
What do you mean, “huh”?
MADISON
Well, I was gonna say just like the footprints at your place but… Dude! I’m having the “I’ve solved the case” moment! Whoa, this
is a head rush.
MONA
Then who did it?
MADISON
Sorry. No time to explain. This is tension building.
SCENE ELEVEN
MADISON
I couldn’t believe I solved the case! Me! All by myself! Oh, man! This is an amazing high! Which, now that I think of the image of all those P.I.s sitting alone in some shabby office drunk and chain smoking, I bet this feeling is addictive. They need a twelve step program for noir detectives. Well, this was my first time, so I’m sure I won’t get hooked. Clearly the person I had to run and tell was Gigi. She lived in a huge house in Brentwood which is where rich people live who pretend they’re not rich but spend their days complaining about the “help” and demanding to speak to your manager. As I walked up the front steps, I could see her in the big picture window slowly pacing back and forth. I wasn’t sure how she was gonna take the news about Henrietta. But I knew… this was gonna be messy.
GIGI
Madison! I was waiting for you to phone me. I– It’s something bad isn’t it? I can see it in your face.
MADISON
My face? Oh, that’s the 1950’s mascara not being waterproof in this rain.
GIGI
Then you didn’t find out anything bad about Henrietta.
MADISON
Oh, no, I did. She killed Annie Stringer.
GIGI
What a dirty, dirty shame. Did you find Henrietta?
MADISON
Looks like she took off.
GIGI
I suppose so. I feel sorry for her, Madison. I hope she gets a break this time.
MADISON
Nupe. She definitely did not break off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.
GIGI
I hope she got a plane ticket tonight and is miles away by morning.
MADISON
And she didn’t buy a ticket.
GIGI
She must’ve. She left the third installment of her story at the American Airlines ticketing office.
MADISON
Yeah. It looks like she bought a ticket and it looks like she took off.
GIGI
You sound as if you know where she is.
MADISON
You ever been to… Seattle?
GIGI
Well, of course. But, not for years.
MADISON
I’ve never been. I dream some day of visiting the first Starbucks. But I bet it’s all touristy now with cheap souvenir shops everywhere.
GIGI
I wouldn’t know.
MADISON
Well, no, you wouldn’t. Starbucks came way after your time –when you worked there as a writer before you became a publisher.
GIGI
Why, what is this?
MADISON
Mypothesis here is, you knew Annie Stringer long before tonight.
GIGI
What are you driving at, Madison?
MADISON
Ohmahgod this feels so tingly! Okay! You are Henrietta Lawrence. Boom.
GIGI
What?!
MADISON
You killed a woman in Seattle, changed your name, moved down here and thought you got away with it, but! There was a witness. Can I get a witness? Can I get a witness–
GIGI
What are you talking about?
MADISON
Annie Stringer. Who you accidentally ran into — L.A. is a big small town — and she started blackmailing you.
GIGI
Stop it.
MADISON
So you had to bring Henrietta Lawrence back to life just long enough to get rid of your witness. But first you had to get rid her letter. And you needed me so I could back up your whole story about Henrietta to the cops.
GIGI
I didn’t want you, I wanted Philip Marlowe, but he wasn’t home.
MADISON
Heh, heh, suck it. The best part is how I figured it all out.
GIGI
What was the loophole? What did I miss?
MADISON
Your mistake, was your political incorrectness. You decided to give your fake Henrietta a cane. And then to create the illusion, you made cane marks in the mud for me to find.
GIGI
What of it?
MADISON
Girl, you put the cane marks at Mona’s place on the left side, and at the hotel, you put them on the right. As someone who’s watched all eight seasons of “House,” I know that people who walk with canes can’t just flip them from one side to another willy-nilly.
GIGI
Such a little thing. Ya know, if this was in one of my books, no one would believe it.
MADISON
So… I’ve never done this before. Do we call the cops now or just go down to the station…?
GIGI
Ya know, you’re the only person between me and that break. I got more money than I know what to do with. I can bid high. Really high. You wouldn’t be for sale, would you?
MADISON
The only payouts I take, baby, are class action lawsuits.
SCENE TWELVE
MADISON
So I ended up driving Gigi, aka Henrietta, to the police station and let the cops deal with the boring stuff. Still on a bit of a high, I was heading back to Marlowe’s bachelor pad when I remembered something… Oh, my god. It smells so good in here!
WESTERN UNION
Ah! You’re back. I’ll have your dinner on the table in a moment. Here, let me take that wet coat.
MADISON
Uh, thanks… Western Union guy.
WESTERN UNION
So! How was it meeting Gigi Hornsby?
MADISON
Huh? Oh… turns out her real name is Henrietta and she’s a murderer.
WESTERN UNION
Heavens! What a busy night you must’ve had. Come on over to the table. You look like you need a nice hot meal.
MADISON
You’ve been in here cooking this whole time?
WESTERN UNION
Well… no. I saw the place needed a little tidying up. I also pressed your blouses and washed your delicates. They’re hanging in the bathroom.
MADISON
Wow.
WESTERN UNION
Would you like a shoulder rub?
MADISON
Hmm. A little 1950’s role reversal. Well, this certainly is the best way I can think of to end a “Ladies’ Night.” Ooo! Yeah, yeah, ooo right there.
WESTERN UNION
We never talk anymore.
MADISON
Oh… crap.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
Raymond Chandler, the creator of Philip Marlowe, is today known as one of the quintessential writers of noir pulp fiction. But Chandler only came to writing after he lost his job as an oil executive during the Great Depression. His first novel was published when he was fifty, and he was fifty-nine when his now famous character first appeared on radio. The series found it’s greatest success on CBS with Gerald Mohr in the title role, and three of Chandler’s novels are considered masterpiece’s of American crime fiction.