MADISON ON THE AIR: OUR MISS BROOKS – “THE HURRICANE WARNING”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JANUARY 2025

DON’T READ THIS YET!!! IT’S WAAAAY FUNNIER WHEN WE PREFORM IT. GO AWAY. SHOO! UNTIL APRIL 1ST!

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
It’s time once again for another comedy episode of “Our Miss Brooks!” When last we saw Madison Standish, she had been arrested for grand larceny and second degree murder thanks to Mike Waring, the Falcon.  But instead of paying her debt to society — or being held accountable in any legal way — the powers of old time radio zapped Madison into a fate worse than prison.  She’s to be a substitute high school English teacher!

MRS. DAVIS
Madison, it’s Mrs. Davis.  Come along now, it’s time for you to get up!  You told me to give you a wakeup call at seven-thirty.

MADISON
That doesn’t sound like something I’d say.

MRS. DAVIS
Well, I did edit out the cuss words you’d used when you asked.

MADISON
Okay, that sounds like something I’d say.

MRS. DAVIS
If you don’t hurry, you’ll be late for school!  And you promised Miss Brooks you’d take over her classes for her.

MADISON
Who’s “Miss Brooks” and how drunk was I when I made that promise?

MRS. DAVIS
Miss Connie Brooks, my tenant.  You’re in her room.  She let you stay here with me while she’s away on holiday and you take over teaching for her at Madison High School.

MADISON
“Madison” High School?

MRS. DAVIS
Mm-hmm.  You insisted you should teach there because they named the school after you.

MADISON
Right…  Uh, let’s revisit the “how drunk was I” question.

MRS. DAVIS
Oh, that I don’t know.  You see, when you and Connie were chatting, I was speaking on the telephone with my sister, Angela.  And Angela is so absentminded.

MADISON
You talking to your sister is really  not one of the vital details I’m missing from last night.

MRS. DAVIS
You were talking to my sister?

MADISON
No.  You said you were talking to your sister.

MRS. DAVIS
Which sister?

MADISON
Which sis–?  Woman, I don’t even know who you are, much less your sister.

MRS. DAVIS
I have a sister!  Her name is Angela.  And she is so absentminded!

MADISON
Okay, OTR is broken.  I need to do a system reboot.

MRS. DAVIS
You may want to hurry up a bit.  It’s raining today.  When you’re dressed, I’ll make you a nice warm breakfast fit for a day such as this.

MADISON
I don’t know what kind of breakfast is fit for “you woke up in a strange bed after being blackout drunk where you made promises you can’t remember–” Oh, hang on, yes I do.  Scrambled eggs.

MRS. DAVIS
Oh, no.  I want to make you something special for your first day of teaching.

MADISON
French toast?

MRS. DAVIS
With pickled pig’s feet and four different types of cumin!  You guessed it!

MADISON
How ’bout just some coffee.

MRS. DAVIS
Well, all right.  But you still should hurry.  Walter Denton is going to be here any minute to pick you up for school.

MADISON
Walter Denton?  He this Miss Brooks’ boyfriend?

MRS. DAVIS
Oh, dear me, no!  Walter is one of Connie’s students.  He always gives her a ride to school.

MADISON
Doesn’t she have a car?

MRS. DAVIS
Yes, but it doesn’t do very well in the rain.  Or the sunshine.  In fact, it’s really best at night.

MADISON
At night?

MRS. DAVIS
When she parks it in the garage.

MADISON
Am I in an insane asylum?

MRS. DAVIS
Oh!  That must be Walter now.

MADISON
He’s picking me up for school at seven-thirty?

MRS. DAVIS
It’s not seven-thirty.  It’s ten till nine.

MADISON
But you said I told you to wake me at seven-thirty.

MRS. DAVIS
I know.  And I forgot.  I’m sorry about that.

MADISON
Am I still drunk?

MRS. DAVIS
Possibly.  There were a lot of bottles in the garbage bin this morning.

MRS. DAVIS
Shall I tell him that you’re almost ready?

MADISON
Yeah, I’ll just be a sec.

MRS. DAVIS
She’s almost ready, Walter!!

MADISON
And she has a hangover.  Thank you for that.

MRS. DAVIS
Oh, my pleasure!  It is raining pretty hard out there.  Perhaps you should borrow Connie’s rain slicker.

MADISON
Nah, I’m fine.  I can just use an umbrella.

MRS. DAVIS
Nonsense.  It’s right over here on the chair.  I’ll help you put it on.

MADISON
I really don’t–

MRS. DAVIS
There now!  You look just divine.

MADISON
I look good in this raincoat?

MRS. DAVIS
Oh, absolutely!

MADISON
With my pajamas still on?

MRS. DAVIS
I thought you were dressed a bit casual for school.

MADISON
Can you maybe physically go and tell Walter I’ll be right there so I can get dressed?

MRS. DAVIS
Out in the rain?  Well, all right.  I didn’t really care for this hairdo anyway.

MADISON
You don’t have to go out into the rain, just open the front door and– and she’s gone.  Okay, 1950s, either I’m in a comedy, or you have a really warped way of addressing Alzheimer’s.

SCENE TWO

MADISON
Hey!  You Walter?

WALTER
Sure am, Miss Standish.

MADISON
Sorry to keep you waiting.  Apparently the front desk slept through my wakeup call.

WALTER
Oh, that’s all right.  Hop in and get outta the rain.

MADISON
Uh… Walter?  Question.

WALTER
What is it, Miss Standish?

MADISON
I’m a big fan of convertibles, don’t get me wrong.  But I’m also a big fan of having the top up when it’s raining.

WALTER
Oh, the top!  Yeah.  I left it at home.

MADISON
Uh… Walter?  Follow up question.

WALTER
Yeah?

MADISON
Why?!

WALTER
I always take it down in weather like this.

MADISON
I repeat.  Why?!

WALTER
It leaks!

MADISON
Right.  Okay.  There’s some logic at play there.  Um… am I right to assume you’re in the remedial classes?

WALTER
You sure are funny, Miss Standish!

MADISON
And extremely wet.

WALTER
Oh!  Here, I’ve got this Turkish towel to throw over our heads.

MADISON
What?  And miss out on getting pneumonia?

WALTER
The towel isn’t just for us, Miss Standish. I’ve got to protect my electrical shop homework.  Here, hold it, will ya?

MADISON
What is this thing with all the wires and tubes?  Did kids in the fifties make atomic bombs in metal shop?

WALTER
No, that’s an SCR shortwave radio receiver.

MADISON
From where?  Radio Shack?

WALTER
Gosh, no.  I built it!  That was my project.  The electrical shop furnished most of the materials and I did the rest.

MADISON
So… I’m gonna go out on a limb here and guess… you don’t have a girlfriend.

WALTER
Funny you’d say that!  I promised to pick up Harriet Conklin this morning, too.  She’s the girl I’m going with.  Here’s her house.  And look — there’s our beloved principal standing on the front step.  Good morning, Mr. Conklin!

MADISON
Uh… why is your girlfriend at the principal’s house?

WALTER
Aw, that’s easy.  Because he’s her father!  How you likin’ the rain, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN
I loathe it, Denton, thank you.

WALTER
What’s wrong with a little rain?

CONKLIN
Every time it rains, all manner of weird creatures are washed from their natural habitat under stones and come slithering into my driveway.

MADISON
I have the same problem when I swim in a bikini in my backyard.

CONKLIN
Walter, don’t look now, but I believe one of those creatures has slithered into your passenger seat.

MADISON
Oh, yeah?  This from some old dude who– Hang on.  Walter, did you you say this guy is the principal?  Like of the school where I’m teaching this week?

WALTER
Yeah.

MADISON
Good one, sir!

CONKLIN
Oh!  Miss Standish.  I didn’t recognize you all wet like that.

MADISON
I tried to embrace the wet look for a little while.  I thought I had this sexy mermaid thing going.  But I really just looked like I’d done the ice bucket challenge with too much gusto.

CONKLIN
Fascinating story.  Thank you so much for sharing.  Walter, my daughter will be out in a moment.  Meanwhile, please remove that junk heap from my driveway.  I’m expecting a furniture van at any moment.

WALTER
You’re getting new furniture, Mr. Conklin?

CONKLIN
Unless the furniture van shows up with a load full of halibut, yes.

MADISON
What kind of furniture are you getting?  I love how the fifties has so much retro fifties furniture.

CONKLIN
It’s custom-built Malaika bamboo.  At long last, I’m realizing a dream of mine — to furnish our little glassed-in sleeping-porch as a sort of tropical lanai.  A place to which I can retreat from the rigors of my daily routine.

WALTER
Oh, I don’t know, I think bamboo furniture’s kinda icky.

CONKLIN
“Icky”?  Well, Miss Standish, I hope you have better luck than Miss Brooks improving your student’s vocabulary.

MADISON
I could come up with a ton of better words for “icky,” but we don’t want to change the rating on this show.

HARRIET
Hi, Daddy.  Oh, good morning!  You must be Miss Standish.

MADISON
In the very wet flesh.

HARRIET
So long, Daddy.  Be sure they get the furniture in out of the rain.

CONKLIN
I will, Harriet.  Just to know it’s coming makes me feel good all over. My own Shangri-La!

MADISON
I created my own Shangri-La once.  It had everything, high tech entertainment center, stocked fridge, warm comfy beds.  But then the owners came home from vacation and had me arrested for trespassing.  They tried to say I “broke in” but I used their hidden spare key.  How is that breaking in?  I didn’t break anything!

SCENE THREE

WALTER
Would you do me a favor, Miss Standish?  I don’t have shop class till the afternoon and I have biology this morning, so would you mind parking this radio in Mr. Boynton’s lab for me?  I gotta stop by my locker.

MADISON
I don’t even know where my own classroom is.  How am I supposed to find the biology lab?  Follow the scent of formaldehyde?

WALTER
It’s right across the hall from your classroom.  You should meet Mr. Boynton.  Miss Brooks is kinda, well, sweet on him.

MADISON
Ohhhh.  Is he hot?

WALTER
Um… maybe?  If he wore a heavy sweater today.

MADISON
Gimme the damn project, Einstein.

WALTER
Einstein was a physicist.  I’m an inventor.  Like Thomas Edison.

MADISON
And I’m gonna kick your ass.  Like Chuck Norris.

WALTER
I gotta get going.  Thanks, Miss Standish.   Here’s my project.  I’ll see you later!

MADISON
Yeah.  Later.  This substitute teaching experience might just be the rock bottom that gets me sober.  Hey.  You Mr. Boynton?

BOYNTON
Yes.  Good morning.

MADISON
Ooo.  I like the view from rock bottom.

BOYNTON
Pardon me?

MADISON
Hel-lo hunky biology teacher.

BOYNTON
Oh!  You must be Miss Standish, the substitute English teacher for Miss Brooks.

MADISON
Yeah, but, I’m really better at… biology.

BOYNTON
That’s wonderful!  I’d love to show you my Botryotinia Fuckeliana.

MADISON
Only if you buy me dinner first.  Oh, who am I kidding.  I’ll put out for a mocha latte and a blueberry scone.

BOYNTON
There’s time before class.  We can do it right now.

MADISON
Oh!  Okay.  As long as I don’t miss first period.  Or any other period.

BOYNTON
Here.

MADISON
A petri dish?  What kinda Bill Nye the Science Guy kink is this?

BOYNTON
That’s my Botryotinia Fuckeliana.  It’s part of my fungus collection.

MADISON
Fungus?  Stop it.  I won’t be able to control myself.

BOYNTON
Notice the purple cluster–

MADISON
Cluster?  Okay, look, Louie Pasteur, I just came in here to leave this radio for Walter Denton.  It’s his shop homework.

BOYNTON
Oh, certainly.  Just put it down on that table.

MADISON
I’m not going to run into any “clusters” over here, am I?

BOYNTON
Oh, nothing like that.

MADISON
Sigh of relief.

BOYNTON

ust that jar with a pig fetus.

MADISON
Well, then.  Glad I skipped breakfast.

BOYNTON
Do you have any other areas of interest in science?

MADISON
Meteorology.  For a while I wanted to be a weather girl.  But I could wear the same wardrobe as a stripper and make way more money.

BOYNTON
Then you must be fascinated by the rain this morning.  Our climatic conditions are undergoing a slow but steady change.  It’s something of a meteorological phenomenon.

MADISON
Yeah, Al Gore, I saw the movie.

BOYNTON
Why, do you realize that at this very moment the equatorial belt is slipping slowly southward?  You see, the warm weather — which we in the temperate zone have long enjoyed — is moving further south every year.  It’s entirely possible that in the future our area may be engulfed in icy Arctic weather!

MADISON
Oh!  You’re pitching a second coming of the Ice Age.  I thought we were talkin’ global warming.  But it’s the early 1950s.  We won’t get all those dangerous levels of carbon monoxide emissions until the late 1950s.

BOYNTON
Our planet could be in jeopardy as early as ten thousand years from now!

MADISON
Trust me, humans are gonna screw up this planet way sooner than that.  And you’re gonna want to invest in sunscreen, not snowshoes.

HARRIET
Excuse me, Mr. Boynton, but I’ve got a message for Miss Standish.

MADISON
How’d you know I was in here?

HARRIET
All the single lady teachers visit Mr. Boynton’s biology lab.

BOYNTON
What?  Oh, Harriet, that’s– it’s, it’s not true–

MADISON
I bet they don’t come here to look at his fungus.

HARRIET
Miss Standish, Daddy just called and said he’d be delayed with the furniture a while longer and asked me to monitor your class while you sit in his office till he gets here.

MADISON
So I don’t have to teach class?  Score!

BOYNTON
Well, congratulations, Miss Standish.  This makes you acting principal of Madison High.

MADISON
Madison in charge of Madison High.  The planets are finally aligning.  Next stop, Wisconsin.

HARRIET
Yeah, I guess Daddy didn’t realize what he was doing.  I mean–

MADISON
Not offended.  Clearly he didn’t.

HARRIET
Well, all you have to do is answer some phone calls.

BOYNTON
Good for you, Miss Standish.  Now, if you’ll both excuse me, I’ve got to stop in at the supply room for a moment.

MADISON
Don’t break any hearts on the way to get more Bunsen burners.

BOYNTON
I’ll just be a few minutes.  See you later.

HARRIET
Isn’t this Walter’s radio, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Yeah.  It’s a 1950’s portable radio.  Only requires a forklift to bring it with you.

HARRIET
It’s a complicated looking thing. Let’s see if it works.

MADISON
In my day, we don’t have static.  But I have watched the buffering beach ball for probably the equivalent of hundreds of hours of my ever shortening life.

HARRIET
Listen!  Oh, this reception is swell.

MADISON
Wish I could say the same for the music.  OMG!  You’re a teenager growing up before rock music.  At parties do you actually make out to this?

HARRIET
“Make out”?

MADISON
Oh, yeah.  It’s the fifties.  You weren’t doing that yet, either.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a special weather bulletin.

HARRIET
Oh, good!  Maybe the rain’s going to stop.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Attention, everyone.  This is an important announcement.  Local weather authorities have just notified us that the barometer is falling rapidly and a hurricane is approaching from the southwest!

HARRIET
Hurricane?!

MADISON
I thought this show was set in California.  Please tell me we’re not in Florida.  I haven’t gotten my Malaria shots.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Reports indicate that winds measuring up to one hundred fifty miles per hour will strike this area within the hour.  Please do not become panicky, but go immediately to places of safety.

MADISON
That Mr. Boynton did say the climate was changing.  Well, this is an inconvenient truth.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Industries will secure all machinery in their plants, and schools will shut down at once.

HARRIET
Did you hear that, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Yeah, I heard it.  I’m as close to the radio as you are.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
I repeat–

HARRIET
Well, are you gonna shut down the school?

MADISON
Me?

HARRIET
You have the authority.  You’re acting principal, aren’t you?

MADISON
This is a little more than answering phone calls and stealing office supplies.

HARRIET
Stealing office supplies?

MADISON
Yeah, I was totally gonna do that when I got in your dad’s office.

HARRIET
What do you think we should do?

MADISON
I guess I could call your dad.

HARRIET
There’s no time!  Everyone’s in great danger!

MADISON
Still.  This feels like an “ask the boss so you cover your own ass” situation.

HARRIET
Okay, we’ll call him from his office.  I’ll show you where it is.

MADISON
Yeah.  I don’t want a repeat of the time I covered for the manager at Applebee’s and then got in trouble for giving everyone raises.  Like what did he expect to happen leaving me with all that power?

RADIO ANNOUNCER
We will stay on the air and bring you further reports and advice as the hurricane approaches.  This is Dudley Harrington, speaking to you from Station D-U-M, situated in the heart of downtown Bombay, India.

SCENE FOUR

HARRIET
It’s no use, Miss Standish.  Our phone at home is still busy.

MADISON
You 1950’s people and your land lines.  Walter shouldn’t waste his time building radios.  He needs to build cellphone towers.

HARRIET
Daddy must be using the phone.  Mother’s spending the day with Aunt Bertha.  Mother’s her favorite sister, you know, and mother’s crazy about Aunt Bertha, too.  I guess it’s because she was an only child.

MADISON
Your mother’s sister was an only child?  What kind of Jeff Foxworthy routine is this?

HARRIET
She was the only child until mother was born.

MADISON
And she just might be a redneck.

HARRIET
We haven’t much more time, Miss Standish.  The radio said–

WALTER
You were right, Mr. Boynton.  They’re both in here.

BOYNTON
Harriet, I thought you were going to watch Miss Standish’s first period.

HARRIET
Gee, I just can’t!  This is an emergency!  We heard it on Walter’s radio.

WALTER
My radio?  Boy, I’ll get an A for sure!

BOYNTON
What’s the emergency?

MADISON
One of your meteorological phenomenons.  A hurricane in California!  Or would it be a typhoon?

HARRIET
The radio announcer said it was due to strike this vicinity in an hour!

BOYNTON
How do you know he meant this vicinity?

HARRIET
He said he was quoting local weather authorities.

MADISON
Okay, it’s the fifties.  We can take cover in the school’s fallout shelter.

HARRIET
“Fallout shelter?”

MADISON
Yeah.  For the Russians.  Nuclear war?

WALTER
For nuclear war we do “duck and cover.”  Like this, see?

MADISON
Sweetie, you might as well get off the floor.  A nuke hits, that plywood desk is just gonna be fused to your backside.

HARRIET
So, what’ll we do, Miss Standish?

MADISON
Close the school and send everyone home?

WALTER
You’re closing the school?  Hot dog!

BOYNTON
Miss Standish, you can’t do that.

HARRIET
She’s got to!

BOYNTON
But this is a very radical step to take.  I don’t know if I agree with such a procedure.

MADISON
Hey.  Who’s acting principal here, Mr. Fungus?

BOYNTON
Well, you have to admit that when Mr. Conklin asked you to answer his phones he probably wasn’t imagining putting a brand new substitute teacher at the helm of this entire institution.

WALTER
If Miss Standish says the school should close down, then I vote for her to be at the helm!

MADISON
And he’s my ride, so…

BOYNTON
Oh, very well.

HARRIET
Walter, you have to drive us over to Daddy’s.  We can’t reach him by phone and he’s got to be told what’s happening.

WALTER
Okay, Harriet, but first I gotta get my radio from Mr. Boynton’s biology lab!  I’ll be right back!

HARRIET
Hurry, Walter!

MADISON
You wanna run and save your petri dishes?

BOYNTON
No.  Don’t be ridiculous.

MADISON
At least you’re not a total nerd.

BOYNTON
Oh!  But MacDougal!

MADISON
MacDougal?

HARRIET
His frog.

MADISON
Miss Brooks really has a thing for Mr. Boynton?

HARRIET
And how.

MADISON
The dating pool must be pretty shallow in this town.

SCENE FIVE

BOYNTON
I hope your dad doesn’t mind our barging in on him like this, Harriet.

HARRIET
Well, it’s an emergency, Mr. Boynton.

MADISON
Yeah.  I nearly drown in Walter’s backseat.

WALTER
I guess I shoulda parked under the roof, huh?

BOYNTON
MacDougal was having a great time on the drive, though.  But I’m sorry he… um… swam down the front of your dress, Miss Standish.

MADISON
I think by 1950’s social etiquette we’re engaged now.  Backoff, frog, I’m not into Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

HARRIET
Daddy?!  I’m home!  Oh!  The new furniture came.

WALTER
Get a load of this bamboo wilderness!

MADISON
It looks like the Golden Girls did your interior design.

HARRIET
That’s funny, Daddy isn’t in here.  He’s probably in his lanai.

WALTER
I hope he doesn’t get angry because Miss Standish shut down the school.

MADISON
You wanted me to!

WALTER
Well, of course I did!  I’m not a very good student!

MADISON
It’s not the first time I’ve closed down a school.  Once I started a fire during a swim meet.

BOYNTON
You started a fire in a pool?

MADISON
I didn’t say it was in the pool, I said it was during a swim meet.  After I was done making out with this guy on one of the gas stoves in the home ec room, he lit a cigarette.  But he was a coach.  He shoulda known not to smoke in the school.

CONKLIN
Harriet!  What are you doing home? What’s the meaning of this?

HARRIET
Now take it easy, Daddy.  Miss Standish closed the school.

CONKLIN
She shut down the school?!  Miss Standish!  How could you possibly–?!

BOYNTON
I’m here, too, Mr. Conklin, hello.

CONKLIN
Hello.  Miss Standish!  How could you possibly–?!

WALTER
Hello, Mr. Conklin!

CONKLIN
Hello.  Miss Standish!  How could you possibly–?!

MADISON
Hello, Mr. Conklin!

CONKLIN
Hello!!  How could you possibly shut down my school in the middle of the day?!

MADISON
Hurricane.

CONKLIN
Hurricane?!

MADISON
And no school fallout shelter.

CONKLIN
I’ve never heard such a batch of unmitigated jabberwocky in all my days.  How could a hurricane possibly get to this part of the United States?

MADISON
Climate change.  C’mon frog man, back me up on this.

CONKLIN
Boynton, you always seemed to be a person of average intelligence.  How could you allow this — this — this madwoman to shut down my school on a ridiculous assumption?

BOYNTON
But it isn’t an assumption, Mr. Conklin.  Miss Standish heard the warning on the radio.

HARRIET
That’s right.  And so did I, Daddy.

MADISON
And why don’t you have a fallout shelter in the school?  Have you decided not to buy into the irrational propaganda of a nuclear holocaust meant to create fear around Communist Russia, or are you just cheap?

WALTER
Cheap!

CONKLIN
All right!  I’ve had enough of this! I don’t want to hear any more about hurricanes.  It’s too late to call the students back to school, I suppose, but if anything like this ever happens again–!

HARRIET
Please, Daddy!  Walter, turn on your radio.  Maybe there’s another weather report coming on.  That’ll convince him.

WALTER
Good idea!

CONKLIN
What is this contraption?

WALTER
My electrical shop homework.  I built a radio!

CONKLIN
So Walter Denton’s homework is what convinced you to close down the entire school?  I suppose when he turns in his final project, you’ll call in the National Guard.

HARRIET
Shh!  Listen, Daddy!  Here’s the radio announcer again!

RADIO ANNOUNCER
The storm now leading to heavy rain squalls and extreme turbulence.  All citizens, attention!  The following precautionary measures are urged by local authorities for the protection of life and property during the approaching hurricane.

CONKLIN
What did he say?!

BOYNTON
It is true!  A meteorological phenomenon!

MADISON
Do-do-do-do-do.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Please follow these emergency measures to the letter.  First, precautions against flying glass from wind-shattered windows — board up all windows!

HARRIET
Board up the windows?

RADIO ANNOUNCER
I repeat, board up all windows!

CONKLIN
Don’t just stand there!  Board up all the windows!

WALTER
Board up the windows with what?!

RADIO ANNOUNCER
The most secure method of boarding up windows is by using bamboo shoots.

WALTER
Oh.  Thank you very much.

MADISON
Seriously?  Bamboo?

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Yes, seriously, bamboo!

MADISON
This radio announcer’s got Siri beat.

CONKLIN
Bamboo?!  Where in the world are we going to get…  Bamboo!!!

WALTER
Hey!  Isn’t your new furniture–

CONKLIN
No!  I haven’t even had time to sit in it yet!

BOYNTON
Well, this is an emergency, Mr. Conklin.  You heard it yourself.

HARRIET
I’ll get your tool box, Daddy.

CONKLIN
Just let me sit down for one moment.

MADISON
You can save the cushions and sit on the floor.  Your tropical lanai can be a Japanese tea room.  Or an opium den.  I don’t judge.

HARRIET
Here’s your tool box, Daddy.

BOYNTON
I hate to do this, sir, but you know the necessity.

CONKLIN
Adieu, my little couch.

MADISON
No time for long goodbyes.  If we don’t hurry, that bay window is going to turn into flying shrapnel.

WALTER
Mr. Conklin, would you like a hug?

CONKLIN
Don’t make this worse.

BOYNTON
Hand me the saw.  I’ll start.

MADISON
I’ll take the axe!

CONKLIN
I’ll turn my back.  I can’t bear to watch.

MADISON
Woo!  This reminds me of the hotel rooms when I followed that metal band on tour!

CONKLIN
Judas Priest!

MADISON
No, it was Sabbath.

HARRIET
Mr. Boynton, you sawed the coffee table right in half!

WALTER
Hand me the axe!  It’s my turn!

BOYNTON
Never mind that, Walter.  Take this bamboo strip and nail it up against that window.

MADISON
Biology’s got some lumberjack skills on him!

BOYNTON
Miss Standish, please let go of my bicep.

MADISON
Go on.  Flex again.

WALTER
Give me the hammer and a nail, Harriet, please.

HARRIET
Do you need any help with the window, Walter?

WALTER
Nah, I can handle it!  Well, at least now we know the hurricane can’t break the window.

HARRIET
Quiet, everybody!  Some more instructions are coming over the air.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Be sure to shut off all water pipes and tie down the thatched roofs on straw huts!

BOYNTON
Straw huts?

MADISON
It makes sense.  I mean, look at the three little pigs.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
Do not forget to lash down your ox carts.

BOYNTON
Ox carts?

MADISON
With the price of gas in California…

RADIO ANNOUNCER
And now, your last official instruction.  Be sure to tether your elephants carefully!  Remember, tether your elephants carefully.

CONKLIN
Quick!  Quick!  There’s not a minute to lose!  We’ve gotta get outside and tether my elephant!  Elephant?!  Mr. Boynton?  Did that man say elephants?

BOYNTON
I believe he did, Mr. Conklin.

CONKLIN
But who keeps elephants?!

MADISON
It’s the fifties.  Celebrities probably keep elephants in their pools and tigers on their verandas.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
This concludes our station broadcast until after the hurricane has passed.  Good luck to you all from your friendly station, D-U-M, situated in the heart of downtown Bombay.

BOYNTON
Bombay?

WALTER
Indiana?

MADISON
You’re right, you’re not a very good student.

BOYNTON
Well!  How about that?  We’ve been worried about a storm that’s five thousand miles away!

CONKLIN
Five thousand miles away?

MADISON
Daymn, Walter.  That is some good reception.  Let’s get you working on cell towers.

CONKLIN
Five thousand miles away?

HARRIET
What a relief!

WALTER
The joke is certainly on us!

CONKLIN
Yes.  It’s hilarious.  Imagine.  Closing down an entire high school and wrecking a roomful of furniture because of a report on some idiot’s homemade radio telling of a hurricane FIVE THOUSAND MILES AWAY!!!!

HARRIET
Calm down, Daddy!  Your high blood pressure!

CONKLIN
My high blood pressure?  You’re concerned about my high blood pressure?  Wouldn’t a tropical lanai filled with beautiful bamboo furniture be just the thing for high blood pressure?!

MADISON
That would be soothing.

CONKLIN
Miss Standish!  As of now, consider yourself relieved of duty!  I would rather Miss Brooks’ students stare at the walls for eight hours than have you anywhere near Madison High School ever again!

WALTER
Golly, Mr. Conklin, isn’t that a little harsh?

HARRIET
She was only looking out for the safety of the students!

BOYNTON
We all thought–

MADISON
Guys, chill.  I’m totes fine with this.  Do you know how many jobs I’ve been fired from?  At least this time I’m not being taken away in handcuffs.  Unless Mr. Boynton is free the rest of the day…

BOYNTON
Uh…

MADISON
I’m sorry, MacDougal, we’re gonna have to break up.  I’m afraid interspecies love with frogs won’t become accepted in the U.S. until “The Muppet Show” premieres in the 1970s.  I know.  It’s not easy being green.

EPILOGUE

MADISON

“Our Miss Brooks” starred Eve Arden and ran on CBS from 1948 through 1957.  The comedy series was adapted for television in 1952, and ran concurrently with the radio show until 1956.  The TV series was produced by Desilu Productions, with Lucille Ball having originally recommended Eve Arden for the radio series when Shirley Booth was turned down for the part and Ball, herself, was already working on the radio series, “My Favorite Husband.”  Eve Arden won much acclaim for her role as the high school English teacher, including being made an honorary member of the National Education Association for “humanizing the American teacher.”  Later in life Arden lamented not having had a Broadway career, but then realized that on stage she could’ve been viewed by thousands, but as Miss Brooks, she was beloved by millions.