MADISON ON THE AIR: “MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET: LUX RADIO THEATRE”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: OCT 2023
SCENE ONE
MADISON
Ho, ho, ho! Hey everybody, and welcome to our Christmas episode! This year we bring you our adaptation of the Lux Radio Theatre’s adaptation of the 1947 Holiday Classic, “Miracle on 34th Street.” So, for all of you out there who don’t believe in Santa Claus, you probably still won’t by the end of this but stop being such a Scrooge! This is a cute story and the dude who played Santa got an Oscar so… just take another swig of eggnog and enjoy our presentation of–
ANNOUNCER
Miracle on 34th Street! It’s Thanksgiving Day in New York City. On a broad avenue adjoining Central Park, an annual event is being joyfully awaited — the spectacular parade presented by Macy’s department store to herald in the Christmas season! Away from the crowd are two of Macy’s public relations experts. Well, one is an expert. The other… is Madison Standish.
SHELLHAMMER
He’s simply wonderful, Miss Standish!
MADISON
Yeah, thanks, there, Mr. Sledgehammer.
SHELLHAMMER
“Shellhammer.”
MADISON
Why don’t I call your name? Look, it’s before six in the morning, could you just — dial it down a smidge?
SHELLHAMMER
Look at him on that float. The most realistic Santa Claus we’ve ever had. Why, he didn’t even need any padding, did he?
MADISON
Fat shaming Santa is gonna put you on his naughty list.
SHELLHAMMER
Where on Earth did you find this Saint Nick?
MADISON
I didn’t find this guy. My Santa was a drunk I found in the bar I woke up in this morning.
SHELLHAMMER
You woke up in a bar this morning?
MADISON
With how early we had to be here to set up for this stupid parade, I didn’t have time to go home, o-kay?!
SHELLHAMMER
So, where did this new Santa come from?
MADISON
The North Pole, I dunno! Get off my back!
SHELLHAMMER
My, my. Mornings certainly don’t appear to be your strong suit.
MADISON
Worst of it is, that other Santa drank the last of my flask because he said he needed “something to get him through the day.” So, now I’m empty.
SHELLHAMMER
Just think if Mr. Macy had seen him! Or seen you… for that matter.
MADISON
C’mon. Everybody in the past drank on the job until, like, the Regan Administration.
SHELLHAMMER
But, what if Mr. Gimbel had seen him? Competition between our stores is tough enough.
MADISON
You don’t need to worry. Because Gimbels also goes out with the Regan Administration.
SHELLHAMMER
The parade’s starting!
MADISON
Mmm. You know what isn’t a cure for a hangover?
SHELLHAMMER
What?
MADISON
Marching bands.
SHELLHAMMER
We can’t see from here. Let’s stand at the curb.
MADISON
Uh… no thanks. I had a bad parade experience. Martians vaporizing people.
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, my!
MADISON
Yeah, it was a whole thing. Besides, I picked up a babysitting gig. The apartment is right around the corner, so I can watch the parade from a safe distance. Or pass out on their couch. One of the two.
SHELLHAMMER
Well, in any case, congratulations on finding the best Santa Claus in Macy’s history!
MADISON
Yup, biggest accomplishment of my life. Right up there with organizing my bras by color. Later.
MADISON
It’s Thanksgiving, New York! Don’t you think some people in this city might wanna sleep in on their day off! Jeez!
SCENE TWO
FRED
Certainly is a wonderful parade, Susan. Just look at that clown. Gosh, what a giant!
SUSAN
Giant, Mr. Gailey? There are no such things as giants.
FRED
Well, not now maybe, but in olden days, there–
SUSAN
Really, Mr. Gailey. And you a lawyer!
FRED
Well, what about the giant that Jack killed? You know, “Jack and the Beanstalk”?
SUSAN
Everybody knows that’s a fairy tale. And I agree with my mother. Fairy tales are silly.
MADISON
Hey, dude, Fred, thanks for watching… um…
SUSAN
Susan.
MADISON
Sorry, must’ve killed off that brain cell last night with the vodka.
SUSAN
I know you mean that in jest — mostly — but I doubt my mother would find it humorous to know my babysitter is a lush.
MADISON
Kids say the darnedest things. Right before they’re grounded.
FRED
H-hey! Look out the window! Oh, my! Isn’t that Santa Claus?
MADISON/SUSAN
So?
FRED
Jolly… old… Saint Nick?
MADISON
Hey, Susan, your mom got any cereal in the house? I haven’t had breakfast.
SUSAN
Above the ice box.
FRED
I, um– I see Susan doesn’t believe in Santa Claus?
MADISON
Don’t think so. Susan?
SUSAN
Please, Mr. Gailey, don’t insult my intelligence.
FRED
So… Madison, are you cooking Thanksgiving Dinner today since Susan’s mother is away?
MADISON
Dammit!
SUSAN
The fact that she just ruined cereal hopefully answers your question.
FRED
Well, now, that was just an accident.
MADISON
No, she’s right. I never had the “cooking with mom in the kitchen” thing growing up. But I did get my gossiping skills from her.
The hours we spent together trashing people. Golden moments.
FRED
So, neither of you are having Thanksgiving Dinner?
MADISON/SUSAN
No.
MADISON
You were gonna ask to join us, weren’t you?
FRED
Uh… well…
SUSAN
Oh, he hinted at it all morning.
MADISON
Tell ya what, you clean up this spill, and I’ll go down to the deli and pick up some turkey sandwiches.
FRED
No, I wouldn’t want to put you out. Well, Susie, it was nice watching the parade with you.
SUSAN
Good bye, Mr. Gailey.
FRED
Happy… er… Thanksgiving.
MADISON
You say he’s dating your mom?
SUSAN
She thinks he’s clever and handsome. Talk about fairy tales.
MADISON
Don’t be too quick to put him in the father column. She’s probably just usin’ him for a little somethin’-somethin’.
SUSAN
Something, something?
MADISON
Uh… When single mommies need satisfaction that doesn’t come with when batteries.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Here comes Santa Claus/ Here comes Santa Claus/ Right down Santa Claus Lane–
SHELLHAMMER
Good morning, Santa Claus!
MADISON
With Mitzen and Blitzen and Judy Jetson pulling on the reins…
SHELLHAMMER
Miss Standish–
MADISON
Hey, Shellhammer! Look who I found in Ladies Lingerie!
KRIS
Oh! Oh, my! That sounds a bit more unsavory that it is. You see, Mr. Shellhammer, I had lost my way. Never been in such a large store as Macy’s before, and well, I was requesting assistance from the shop girl in that department.
MADISON
Did you get her digits?
SHELLHAMMER
No need to explain, Santa Claus. We here at Macy’s are very pleased you’ve agreed to be our toy department Santa. Why, Mr. Macy couldn’t stop talking about your appearance in the parade.
KRIS
Ah! Well, thank you very much.
MADISON
Mr. Macy was really that jazzed over this guy?
SHELLHAMMER
If you’d bothered to show up for the morning meeting–
MADISON
I dunno. I guess I’m spoiled. I’ve got Kurt Russell as Santa. Next to a hunky fireman in nothing but a Santa hat and red suspenders, Kurt Russell is the hottest Santa ever.
SHELLHAMMER
Now, Santa, before you go to the toy department, here’s a list of toys that we have to push.
KRIS
Oh?
SHELLHAMMER
You know, things we’re overstocked on.
MADISON
Let me see that.
SHELLHAMMER
You’ll find that a great many children will be undecided as to what they want for Christmas.
MADISON
Jeez these 1940’s toys are super gender specific.
SHELLHAMMER
And when that happens, you immediately suggest one of these items. Do you understand?
KRIS
I certainly do.
MADISON
Does he have to suggest toys down gender lines? Girls get dolls and boys get… weapons?
KRIS
Weapons?
MADISON
Seriously. This list looks like a plea for supplies by the Allies.
SHELLHAMMER
Boys love guns. So be sure to push them. Now, Miss Standish, here, will show you to your throne in the toy department. And don’t you forget, you’re working for Macy’s!
MADISON
He’s like if figgy pudding were a person. C’mon, follow me.
KRIS
So… Miss Standish, when you said those Santas were wearing “nothing but suspenders,” did you mean–
MADISON
Oh, yeah. And their stockings were hung.
SCENE FOUR
MORTIMER
Are you really Santa Claus?
MADISON
You’ve got one shot to talk to Santa and you’re gonna spend it grillin’ him?
KRIS
It’s all right, Miss Standish. I’m always happy to speak with inquisitive children.
MADISON
Well, we got a line reachin’ back to housewares, so you might want to step it up.
KRIS
So, Mortimer, what do you want for Christmas?
MORTIMER
I want a fire engine with a real hose that squirts real water and I won’t do it in the house, I’ll only do it in the backyard I promise!
KRIS
And I promise you’ll get your fire engine.
MADISON
Fabulous. Next!
MORTIMER
You see, mama? I told you he’d get me one!
MOTHER
That’s fine. That’s just dandy. You wait here, Mortimer. wants to thank Santa Claus, too.
SHELLHAMMER
So, Miss Standish, how is our brand new Santa working out?
MADISON
He’s doing great, but he also hasn’t had any lap-wetters.
SHELLHAMMER
Well, that would certainly dampen the mood!
MADISON
My sister peed on the Easter Bunny. No wait, that was me. wasn’t the Easter Bunny, it was the back of that Uber when comin’ home from her high school graduation. Yeah, that’s was crying. I was drunk at her graduation.
MOTHER
Excuse me, Santa?
KRIS
Yes, madam?
MOTHER
Say, what’s the matter whitcha?
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, dear! An unhappy customer!
MADISON
I got this. Ma’am! All complaints can be directed to our customer service department. They are trained to take abuse from customers with minimal crying.
KRIS
Now, now, now. What’s the trouble?
MOTHER
The kid wants a fire engine, but there ain’t one to be had anywhere in town. Macy’s ain’t got any. Nobody’s got any. My feet are killin’ me and you say, “Okay, he gets the fire engine”?!
SHELLHAMMER
The list! Offer her something from the list!
MADISON
Ma’am, instead, maybe your son would like a semi-automatic weapon? It’s 1947, and he’s, what, six? Looking at the time frame, he’ll probably get drafted into Vietnam. So, the toy would provide a valuable skill.
KRIS
Madam! You can get those fire engines at Gimbels.
MOTHER/MADISON/SHELLHAMMER
Gimbels?
MOTHER
Macy’s sendin’ people to other stores? Are you kiddin’?
KRIS
No. The one important thing is to make the children happy. Whether Macy’s or somebody else sells the toy doesn’t matter. Don’t you feel that way, Miss Standish?
MADISON
I’m not really a “bring joy to children” type. More of a “tolerate them so I don’t end up in prison” type.
MOTHER
Well, thank you, Santa. I… I didn’t realize Macy’s felt this way. It’s uh… refreshin’. Imagine that, Macy’s puttin’ the spirit of Christmas ahead of the commercial.
MADISON
Dude’s good. He just talked down a Karen.
SHELLHAMMER
Gimbels? Did he just send her to Gimbels?
MADISON
Don’t hyperventilate! Watching someone else hyperventilate makes me hyperventilate!
SUSAN
And here’s the toy department, Mr. Gailey.
FRED
You certainly know all about Macy’s store, don’t you, Susan?
SUSAN
That’s because my mother works here.
MADISON
Breathe, breathe, breathe…
SUSAN
And where she found this stellar babysitter she hired.
FRED
Madison, are you all right?
SHELLHAMMER
I’m taking my break!
MADISON
Oh, hey, guys. Yup, all’s good. ‘Sup?
SUSAN
Well, I think it’s silly, but Mr. Gailey brought me here to see Santa Claus.
FRED
I just thought that if you talked to him, you might–
SUSAN
Okay, Mr. Gailey. I’m certainly willing to try. I’ll go get in line.
MADISON
Seems like you’re overstepping some parenting boundaries, here, Fred. Babysitters just have to keep the kids alive till the parents come back. They do not want you introducing new ideas to their kids. Trust me. I once showed a kid “SpongeBob” and got a lecture about how the parents had a — strong moral objection to anything that anthropomorphized ocean creatures.
FRED
Oh.
MADISON
Then when the live action “Little Mermaid” came out, they wouldn’t let their kid watch it for an entirely non-racist, but still utterly stupid, reason.
KRIS
What’s your name, little boy?
RONNIE Ronnie!
MADISON
Uck. Would you look at this line? It’s gonna take forever for Susan to see Santa Claus.
FRED
Well, isn’t that a good lesson in patience? Madison? Madison?
MADISON
Comin’ through! Out of our way!
FRED
I really wish Susie’s mother hadn’t asked me to watch out for her while she was gone.
MADISON
Quit cryin’! Or Santa will feed you to his reindeer!
FRED
Never date a woman with a kid.
MADISON
All right, Santa! She’s next!
RONNIE
Hey! It’s my turn to see Santa!
MADISON
Santa, is he back talkin’ you? We can put him on the naughty list right now.
KRIS
Miss Standish!
MADISON
Come on, Susan. Hop up into that strange man’s lap and tell him personal things about yourself.
KRIS
Really, Miss Standish!
MADISON
Hey, it’s good practice for when she’s dating.
KRIS
So… what is your name, little girl?
SUSAN
Susan Walker. What’s yours?
KRIS
Mine? Kris Kringle. I’m Santa Claus.
SUSAN
Mmmm.
KRIS
Oh, ho! You don’t believe that, eh?
MADISON/SUSAN
No.
SUSAN
But I must say, you’re the best looking Santa Claus I’ve ever seen.
KRIS
Really?
SUSAN
Your beard, for instance. It doesn’t have one of those hooks that goes over your ears.
KRIS
That’s because it’s real. Just like I’m really Santa Claus. Now, go ahead, pull it. I didn’t mean you… Miss Standish.
MADISON
I didn’t think her grip would be strong enough.
KRIS
Yes. You’ve certainly proven my point, thank you. And now, Susan, what would you like me to bring you for Christmas?
SUSAN
Nothing, thank you. Whatever I want, my mother will get.
MADISON
Oh, me, too. Don’t you love being spoiled?
SUSAN
Well, that is, if it’s sensible and doesn’t cost too much.
MADISON
Screw that. When I was your age, I had my mother scouring the four corners of the earth for every single Beanie Baby on the market. See, when your mommy spends five hundred thousand dollars on the ultra rare Princess Di commemorative “Princess the Bear” Beanie Baby, that means she really loves you.
SUSAN
I’m fine. Thank you, Mr. Kringle.
KRIS
Merry Christmas, Susan.
SUSAN
And to you. Well, Mr. Gailey, have I satisfied your need for me to meet Santa Claus?
FRED
I guess you still don’t believe in him, then?
SUSAN
He did have real whiskers.
SHELLHAMMER
Miss Standish! Miss Standish! Oh, hello, Susan.
SUSAN
Hello, Mr. Shellhammer.
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, dear! Look at that line Santa has!
MADISON
What? Do we have a complaint from the fire department? Because I’m pretty sure these ol’ timey department stores are death traps.
SHELLHAMMER
No, no, not that. Oh, dear. Miss Standish, tell Santa we need to see him in my office when he’s done.
FRED
Is there something wrong?
SHELLHAMMER
Not if you’re Gimbels!
FRED
Perhaps I should take Susan home.
MADISON
Don’t you work?
FRED
Well… um…
MADISON
She can hang with me. That cool, Susan?
SUSAN
Doesn’t matter to me.
MADISON
‘Kay. Later.
FRED
Right. Er… “later.”
MADISON
He really has it bad for your mom, doesn’t he?
SUSAN
Maybe for Christmas, we should get her one of those battery thingies you mentioned.
MADISON
Well, Macy’s is a department store. Let’s go see if we can find the erotica section.
SCENE FIVE
KRIS
You wanted to see me, Mr. Shellhammer, Miss Standish? Oh, hello again, Susan.
SUSAN
Hello, Mr. Kringle.
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, yes, Santa… Uh, Kris. Come in.
KRIS
What can I do for you?
SHELLHAMMER
Well… you see–
MADISON
First, you can tell Susan there’s no such thing as “Santa” before her mom finds out and rips me a new one.
KRIS
Oh, but, Miss Standish, not only is there such a person, but here I am to prove it.
MADISON
I get it, you’re committed to the role, but you’re backstage now and that method stuff doesn’t make you a better actor, it makes the rest of the cast hate you.
SHELLHAMMER
Yes, um… We need you to tell the truth. Now, what is your real name?
KRIS
Kris Kringle. And I always tell the truth. Susan, I’ll bet you’re in the first grade.
SUSAN
Second grade!
MADISON
Dude, no, your real name. Not the one you give the barista at Starbucks so when they call it out, you sound cooler than you are. Seriously, people, stop giving the name “Batman.”
KRIS
Kris Kringle is my real name. My goodness, the second grade?
SHELLHAMMER
Very well. I have your employment card right here. I’ll look it up on that.
KRIS
That’s a very cute dress you have on, Susan.
SUSAN
It’s from Macy’s. We get ten percent off.
MADISON
Considering the mark up, that’s not a deal.
SHELLHAMMER
So! You always tell the truth, do you? Look at your employment card.
KRIS
“Name: Kris Kringle. Address: Brooks Memorial Home, Great Neck, Long Island.” You may call the home if you’d care to confirm that, Mr. Shellhammer.
MADISON
So, not the North Pole?
KRIS
“Place of Birth: North Pole.”
MADISON
Man, I’ve only ever lied about my date of birth.
SUSAN
Why? When’s your birthday?
MADISON
About a decade after you’ll qualify AARP.
SHELLHAMMER
I’m, uh… sorry to have to do this, but the, uh– The Santa Claus that we had two years ago is back in town, and I feel that we owe it to him to, well…
KRIS
Have I done something wrong?
MADISON
New York is an “at-will” state so we can fire you any time we want and not have to give a reason. Go Capitalism.
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, excuse me.
SUSAN
You’re firing Santa Claus?
SHELLHAMMER
Hello?
MADISON
No, Susan, we’re not firing “Santa Claus.” We’re firing a sweet old man who only wants to make children happy.
SHELLHAMMER
Oh! Oh, yes! Of course, right away! Oh, my word!
MADISON
Dude! You’re about to hyperventilate again!
SHELLHAMMER
Mr. Macy! Mr. Macy! We… have… to see… Mr. Macy!
MADISON
Oh, crap! Susan! Eh… Stay.
SUSAN
My mother will be pleased to know that you treat me like a dog.
MADISON
I only suggested you sleep in a crate. I hate washing fitted sheets.
SCENE SIX
MR. MACY
Come right in, Miss Standish, Mr. Shellhammer.
SHELLHAMMER
Thank you, Mr. Macy.
MR. MACY
Now, about this new policy you two initiated.
MADISON
Oh, good, I’m glad you brought that up. I believe calling the women’s sizes “Misses” implies that women must be married to wear them. So my proposal of calling it “Ms-is” will appeal to all women regardless of marital status.
MR. MACY
So you’re the one behind the graffiti on our ladies department signs?
MADISON
That wasn’t graffiti! I was fixing them.
MR. MACY
Regardless, the pressing matter at hand is that the Macy’s Santa Claus is sending customers to Gimbels.
SHELLHAMMER
I — I — I — I can explain everything, Mr. Macy…
MADISON
Okay, he’s gonna need to sit or he’s goin’ down like a Christmas tree on January second.
MR. MACY
My word, Shellhammer. Is this how you take good news?
SHELLHAMMER
Good news?
MR. MACY
Just look at my desk. Forty-two telegrams and over five hundred phone calls. Grateful parents expressing undying gratitude to Macy’s department store.
MADISON
Daymn. Santa just started today. He’s already had over five hundred kids sitting on his lap? We probably should’ve given him a lunch break.
MR. MACY
I’ve decided that from now on, not only will our Santa Claus continue in this manner, but so will every salesperson in the entire store.
SHELLHAMMER
You mean that if we haven’t got what the customer asks for, we’re to–
MR. MACY
We’re to send him where he can get it. No high pressuring and forcing a customer to take something he doesn’t really want.
MADISON
Aw. I’m sorry Mr. Shellhammer. You spent a lot of time on that toy list.
MR. MACY
Why, we’ll be known as… as the helpful store! The friendly store! The store that places public service ahead of profits!
MADISON
Yeah! We care about people! Not consumerism!
MR. MACY
And, consequently, we’ll make more profits than ever.
MADISON
I stand corrected, you greedy corporate pig.
MR. MACY
As for you two, you’ll both find a more practical expression of my gratitude in your Christmas envelopes.
MADISON
Did I say “pig?” I meant it, but, I appreciate the gesture of a meager share of the profits.
SHELLHAMMER
Thank you very much, Mr. Macy.
MR. MACY
And tell that wonderful Santa Claus I won’t forget him, either.
SHELLHAMMER
Yes, indeed, Mr. Macy! Good night, sir. And thank you again, sir! Oh! Imagine, a bonus!
MADISON
Dude. We just fired Santa.
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, no, no, no, no!
MADISON
You agreed he was crazy. The dude thinks he’s really Santa. I dated a guy who thought he was Justin Bieber. I had to break up with him. I’d never date the real Justin Bieber, why would I date a fake one?
SHELLHAMMER
I don’t care if he thinks he’s the Easter Bunny! We have to find him!
MADISON
Now I remember, I didn’t pee on the Easter Bunny, I threw up on him. Woo. Peeps and PBR. Don’t recommend.
ANNOUNCER
Act Two of “Miracle on 34th Street” will continue in a moment!
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SEVEN
ANNOUNCER
Act Two of “Miracle on 34th Street.” It was a frantic few hours that Madison and Mr. Shellhammer spent last night, rushing out to the Brooks Memorial Home in Long Island to retrieve Kris Kringle. The franticness of the evening was made worse by Madison insisting on driving. Being from L.A., she wasn’t used to driving in snow, nor could she handle a manual transmission. If there are any true miracles in this story, it’s that Madison, Mr. Shellhammer, and Kris made it back to Macy’s alive. Now Kris is again presiding over the crowded toy department. But Madison and Mr. Shellhammer still have reservations about the jolly ol’ elf.
SHELLHAMMER
Don’t you understand, Miss Standish? That old man insists that he is Santa Claus. Why, he’s out of his mind! What if he should have a… a fit or something? Oh, no. What would
Mr. Macy say!
MADISON
Ya know, your fear of your boss is really unhealthy. I’d recommend either a job change, or intensive therapy.
SHELLHAMMER
Therapy! Yes, that’s it! We should have Kris see Mr. Sawyer!
MADISON
Who the hell is “Mr. Sawyer”?
SHELLHAMMER
In personnel. He’s paid to examine employees.
MADISON
What is he, some sort of H.R. dude? Because H.R. doesn’t protect employees. They protect the business from their employees.
SHELLHAMMER
Exactly! Oh, why didn’t I think of this sooner!
MADISON
There’s no problem that can’t be made worse by involving middle management.
SCENE EIGHT
KRIS
I changed my clothes, Mr. Sawyer, and came right up. Oh, hello again, Miss Standish. What are you doing here?
MADISON
I’m going to be a neutral third party so this H.R. creep doesn’t railroad you.
SAWYER
That doesn’t sound “neutral” to me.
MADISON
Yeah, well, neither is H.R.
SAWYER
If I may begin? That’s your own beard, then, eh?
KRIS
Hmm? Oh, yes, yes.
SAWYER
Mmm. Interesting complex in back of that.
MADISON
“Complex”? What, he has fantasies about being a hipster? Do you secretly wear plaid and drink microbrew?
SAWYER
Why do you carry a cane?
MADISON
Using a cane for mobility is a protected class! You’re not allowed to ask him that. Do you wanna throw in some agism, too? Because he’s obviously way over thirty.
KRIS
Thank you.
SAWYER
Your complex, Miss Standish, is rooted in deep seeded insecurities, clearly manifesting itself with sarcasm.
MADISON
Okay, I’ll own that.
KRIS
To answer your question, Mr. Sawyer, I always carry a cane. Well, that is, when I wear street clothes.
SAWYER
I see. All right, who was the first president of the United States?
MADISON
Whoa! What’s with the history pop quiz?
SAWYER
Stop interrupting while I’m conducting this examination!
KRIS
You’re a rather nervous man, aren’t you, Mr. Sawyer?
SAWYER
What?!
KRIS
Tell me, do you get enough sleep?
MADISON
Not by the look of those bags under his eyes.
KRIS
Indeed. Indeed.
MADISON
You should hit the cosmetics department so you can cover up those bad boys.
SAWYER
My personal habits are no concern of either of yours! Now, what hand am I holding up?
MADISON
Left!
KRIS
Right.
SAWYER
It’s my right hand, Miss Standish.
MADISON
No way! That’s the left side!
KRIS
It’s reversed because he’s facing us.
MADISON
Okay, that was a trick question.
SAWYER
Miss Standish, that is enough!
KRIS
Mr. Sawyer, are you happy at home?
SAWYER
What?! Oh! That will be all, Mr. Kringle! The examination is over!
KRIS
Thank you.
SAWYER
And it may interest you to know I’ve been happily married for twenty- two years! Very happily married!
MADISON
You’re happily married. Has anyone asked your wife for her opinion?
KRIS
Goodbye, Mr. Sawyer.
SAWYER
Mr. Shellhammer’s in the hall, tell him to come inside.
KRIS
Certainly.
MADISON
I really don’t see how anything you just did counts as an evaluation. I’ve had to answer more thorough background questions signing up for a charge card from Target.
SHELLHAMMER
I’m here, I’m here! What’s the conclusion?
SAWYER
Well, there’s hardly any point in discussing it. Obviously, the old man should be discharged!
SHELLHAMMER
Oh, dear!
MADISON
He’s crazy, but he’s a sweet kinda crazy. Like a little old lady who knits sweaters for her garden gnomes.
SAWYER
His whole manner suggests aggressiveness. Look at the way he carries that cane. Mr. Shellhammer, Miss Standish, naturally, I can’t discharge that loony, but when he exhibits his maniacal tendencies, please realize, the responsibility is completely yours!
MADISON
Aw! I hate being responsible for people. That’s why I hate babysitting.
SHELLHAMMER
Aren’t you babysitting Susan?
MADISON
Oh, right.
SAWYER
You can prevent that very simply. There must be someone who could rent him a room to keep an eye on him.
MADISON
I am not babysitting two people. I lucked out that Susan doesn’t need diapers, but I have no idea about the old dude.
SAWYER
Then I suggest you find someone else to take custody of him.
SUSAN
Excuse me, Madison? If you’re going to be much longer, Mr. Gailey said he’d take me home.
MADISON
Geez. That Fred guy will do anything to impress Susan’s mother.
SHELLHAMMER
Anything…?
MADISON
Probably.
SHELLHAMMER
I mean. Anything?
MADISON
I said, “probably.” He’s in the glow of the dating period so, like all guys, he’s hiding his inner douche.
SHELLHAMMER
Then maybe he’d take in Kris?
SUSAN
Is Mr. Kringle coming home with us?
MADISON
Why would he be coming home with us?
SHELLHAMMER
Because–
SUSAN
I’ll explain it to her when we get home and she’s had her nap. Come along, Madison.
MADISON
I don’t wanna go home! I wanna go for ice cream.
SUSAN
It’ll spoil your dinner.
SCENE NINE
KRIS
Susan? Susan? Are you still awake?
SUSAN
Uh-huh.
KRIS
I’m just coming to say good night.
SUSAN
I’m very glad you’re going to live next door with Mr. Gailey.
KRIS
Oh? I say, what a fine young man that Mr. Gailey is, eh? Just think, allowing me to share his apartment. A mere stranger.
SUSAN
Madison said he did it so Mother would be more willing to “put out.”
KRIS
Oh! Ho, ho, ho!
SUSAN
Yes, that’s what Madison called her.
KRIS
Well, did you do anything interesting in school today?
SUSAN
They played “zoo.” Each child was supposed to be an animal! Ridiculous.
KRIS
Oh, but, Susan, they were just pretending with their imaginations.
SUSAN
Imagination? That’s when you see things but they’re not really there, right?
KRIS
Well, yes. For instance, how would you like to be able to make snowballs in summertime? Or fly south with a flock of geese?
SUSAN
Hmmm. Yes, I’m quite sure I’d like that.
KRIS
Then the next time they play “zoo,” you can be a monkey!
SUSAN
But I don’t know how to be a monkey.
KRIS
I’ll show you. Now first, you bend over a little like this, see? Now, let your arms hang loose.
SUSAN
Like this?
KRIS
Yes, that’s fine. Now, put your hand over here and start scratching. That’s it! Now, you start chattering.
SUSAN
Chattering?
KRIS
Yes. Now, listen. “ooo-ooo, eee-eee” See?
SUSAN
Like this?
KRIS
That’s fine, Susan, fine, you’re doing beautifully!
MADISON
Shut that down! Some of us are passed out on the sofa in here!
KRIS
Oh, dear.
SUSAN
She gets like that after she drinks four or five of her special “sleep aids.”
KRIS
Was she really your mother’s best choice for a babysitter?
SUSAN
She’s not even Mother’s best choice for taking out the trash.
KRIS
Will your mother be home in time for Christmas?
SUSAN
Doubtful. She’s helping Grandmother move to a farm upstate. The same farm my dog went to when she got old.
KRIS
Ah… I see. Now, about Christmas. There must be something you’d like me to bring you for Christmas.
SUSAN
Well, I’ve certainly thought about something, Mr. Kringle. I tore this page out of a magazine. It’s a picture of a house.
KRIS
Oh! That’s what you want, is it? A doll’s house?
SUSAN
Not a doll’s house. A real house.
KRIS
A real house?
SUSAN
Yes. And if you’re really Santa Claus, you can get it for me.
KRIS
Now, now, now, wait a minute, Susie. What could you possibly do with a big house?
SUSAN
Live in it with my mother. And a backyard with a big tree to put a swing on, and a garden, and a– Oh, well. Why even discuss it?
KRIS
Hmmm…. Well, Mr. Gailey’s waiting for me. We can talk later. Goodnight, Monkey!
MADISON
Shuddup!
SUSAN
You better go, Mr. Kringle. After drinking her sleep aids, if she wakes up, she starts crying about her life. And I just don’t have the energy to hear about her ex-boyfriends again.
KRIS
We really need to find you a better babysitter.
SCENE TEN
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
Stand right there.
PHOTOGRAPHER #2
Smile, gentlemen!
SHELLHAMMER
Mr. Macy and Mr. Gimbel shaking hands! I don’t know how you did it, Miss Standish!
MADISON
I’m an influencer. If I have any skills at all, it’s self- promotion.
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
Is it true, Mr. Gimbel, that Gimbels Department Store has adopted the same customer-friendly policy as Macy’s?
GIMBEL
Absolutely! If you can’t find what you need at Gimbels, with our unbeatable prices, we’ll send you to Macy’s!
MADISON
Did you catch that self-promo in there? Ah. I love working with professionals.
MR. MACY
All right, then, that’s enough pictures. Thank you all very much.
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
Thank you, Mr. Macy, Mr. Gimbel.
PHOTOGRAPHER #2
Don’t forget to thank Santa Claus!
KRIS
Happy to do it, my friends.
MADISON
Wait, wait, wait! Mr. Macy, don’t forget the, uh, grand gesture.
MR. MACY
Oh, of course! Thank you, Miss Standish.
SHELLHAMMER
What “grand gesture”?
MADISON
Spread all the “good will” you want, but what really resinates with the public at Christmastime, is cold hard cash.
MR. MACY
I have something here for Santy Claus. Here you are, Mr. Kringle. A check in appreciation of all you’ve done.
KRIS
Mr. Macy! Why, that’s most kind of you.
PHOTOGRAPHER #1
How ’bout that? Macy’s gives Santa a gift for Christmas!
MADISON
And there’s your click bait headline.
GIMBEL
I didn’t think you were that generous, R.H. That’s quite a check.
PHOTOGRAPHER #2
That’ll buy your reindeer a lotta hay!
GIMBEL
What are you gonna do with it, Mr. Kringle?
KRIS
Well, I have a doctor friend who needs a new x-ray machine.
MR. MACY
Buy the machine through the store. Ten percent discount!
MADISON
He really thinks ten percent is a good discount. All that really does is take off the sales tax. Go Capitalism.
GIMBEL
Gimbels will beat that price, Santa! We’ll furnish it at cost!
KRIS
Oh, keep it up, gentlemen! At this rate, my friend’ll have a whole new hospital!
MADISON
Can I just take a moment to comment on department stores in the 40s selling professional grade medical equipment? No FDA regulations or oversight here? Just throw it on the VISA, anyone can take one home?
SHELLHAMMER
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
MADISON
Oh, sorry. That was for the, uh, podcast audience.
SHELLHAMMER
Audience? Perhaps you need an appointment to see Mr. Sawyer.
ALFRED
You talkin’ about Mr. Sawyer?
MADISON
Oh, hey, Alfred. How’s the… eh… eh… I forget what you do here.
ALFRED
Sweepin’. I sweep. I don’t mind it. I like bein’ around all the Christmas shoppers.
KRIS
Alfred! How about a game of checkers during lunch, eh?
ALFRED
Aw, not today, Kris. I don’t feel so good.
MADISON
Oh, man, don’t get me sick! Ever since COVID, if I hear one cough, even like, a mile away, I’m sure I can feel my lungs filling with fluid.
ALFRED
It’s not that kinda sick, Miss Standish. But you’d mentioned Mr. Sawyer?
KRIS
Did Mr. Sawyer say something to you?
ALFRED
Well, Kris, you remember I was tellin’ you how I like to play Santa Claus over at the Y and give out packages to the kids?
KRIS
Certainly.
ALFRED
I was tellin’ Mr. Sawyer about it and he says that’s very bad. That psychologically it’s all wrong.
KRIS
Wrong? To be nice to children?
MADISON
Depends on the children.
KRIS
How did you get a job as a babysitter?
ALFRED
Mr. Sawyer says guys who play Santa Claus do it because when they was young they must’ve done somethin’ bad and now they do somethin’ they think is good to make up for it, see? It’s what he calls a “guilt complex.”
MADISON
I lived in a guilt complex. That’s an apartment building with a gym beneath it. It makes you feel guilty that even though its right there, you still never go to the gym.
KRIS
Excuse me, Alfred, Miss Standish, I have an appointment with Mr. Sawyer!
MADISON
Dude. The last time I saw a Santa Claus that mad was when I kicked one in the holly berries. Although he wasn’t as mad as when I told Halle Berry she was a lousy catwoman.
SCENE ELEVEN
SAWYER
What do you mean, breaking into my office like this?
KRIS
You ought to be horsewhipped. Taking a boy like Alfred and filling him up with complexes and phobias. Just because he wants to be kind to children, you tell him he has a guilt complex!
SAWYER
Having the same delusion, you couldn’t possibly understand.
MADISON
Didn’t you hear me calling for you to hold the elevator?
KRIS
This couldn’t wait. I had to see Mr. Sawyer immediately.
MADISON
Well, thanks. You left me to fight the Christmas shoppers on the stairs. And no matter what you hear, I tripped that old lady in self defense.
KRIS
Either you stop analyzing Alfred, or I’ll go straight to Mr. Macy and tell him what a contemptible fraud you are!
SAWYER
Don’t you wave that cane at me! Get out of here before I have you thrown out!
KRIS
There’s only one way to handle a man like you. Maybe this’ll knock some sense into you. Good day, Mr. Sawyer!
SAWYER
Oooh, my head! You saw him attack me, Miss Standish! Get the police!
MADISON
Sorry, can’t help. My favorite part of this whole story is how it villanizes self important middle management. Ha-ha. Suck it.
SCENE TWELVE
NURSE
You can see Mr. Kringle now.
FRED
Thank you, nurse.
FRED
Hello, Kris.
KRIS
Hello, Fred, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Ah, the mental health ward. Where you can wear a robe and pajamas all day long and no one looks at you like you’re crazy.
KRIS
What brings you two here?
FRED
Kris, I’ve been speaking to the doctors. They said they gave you some tests and you failed them. You deliberately failed. Why?
MADISON
I deliberately failed chemistry so I’d have to take it over in summer school with this super hot guy in my class. But right as the semester ended, his family moved to Baltimore. So I had to sit through chemistry again all summer with no AC next to a guy whose body odor kept changing the chemical composition of my assignments.
KRIS
Well, Fred, I was thinking of Mr. Sawyer. He’s contemptible, dishonest, deceitful– If that’s normal, I don’t want it.
MADISON
You just described every manager in corporate America.
FRED
But you can’t just think of yourself, Kris. What happens to you matters to a lot of other people. People like me who believe in what you stand for, and people like– Well, like Susie, who are just beginning to believe. Kris, you’re letting us down.
MADISON
Okay, if he didn’t have a guilt complex before, he does now.
KRIS
I– Well, Fred, maybe you’re right. Of course, you’re right. I ought to be ashamed of myself. Let’s get out of here!
FRED
Now, wait a minute, you flunked your mental examination. But good.
KRIS
Oh, yes, so I did. Well, you’re a lawyer. You fix it.
FRED
Hey, look, I can’t just–
MADISON
Not a problem. Point me to whoever’s in charge. I think I’m still flexible enough to do what got me released from the last time I was committed.
FRED
It’s not that easy.
MADISON
I know. I have to stretch a lot first.
FRED
No, I mean, there’ll have to be a hearing. If Kris is going to be committed, it has to be before a judge.
MADISON
I don’t mind an audience.
KRIS
Miss Standish, I think I’d rather leave things up to Fred.
MADISON
Fine. If you want to do it all legal-like. I’ll just go home and take a nap.
KRIS
Aren’t you supposed to be watching Susan?
MADISON
Dammit! Now where did I leave her?
FRED
You know what I think we need to get you out of this, Kris?
MADISON
Ooo! Baby oil would help. If I can’t be limber, I can be slippery.
FRED
I meant for his hearing.
MADISON
So did I.
FRED
Publicity. Public sentiment. Santa Claus on trial? Why, it would be like putting the entire institution of Christmas on trial!
KRIS
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
FRED
Imagine the headlines? “Is Kris Kringle Crazy? Court Case Coming — Kiddies Cry Calamity!”
MADISON
I wouldn’t click through on that article, but I’d definitely share it blindly without knowing all the facts.
FRED
Don’t you worry, Kris, we’ll save Christmas!
MADISON
Wait, this is a “Save Christmas” story? Then where’s my hunky lumberjack to show me my fast paced city life is empty and shallow?
ANNOUNCER
We will return in just a moment with Act Three of “Miracle on 34th Street.”
PROMO BREAK
SCENE THIRTEEN
ANNOUNCER
The curtain rises on the third act of “Miracle on 34th Street.” A jolly, elderly gentleman named Kris Kringle has been working as Macy’s Santa Claus thanks, in part, to Madison Standish. Now, his sanity has been seriously questioned, also thanks, in part, to Madison Standish. And now, in a crowded courtroom, Judge Harper listens patiently as the Assistant District Attorney summons Kris to the witness stand.
ADA MARA
This is not a trial, Mr. Kringle. It’s just a hearing, so you don’t have to answer any questions. Now then, uh, where do you live?
KRIS
Well, it seems to me that’s what this hearing will decide, won’t it?
JUDGE
All right, quiet in the courtroom.
MADISON
Ooo. Judge’s never like you to crack jokes on the witness stand. That’s how I ended up doing seven days behind bars on a ticket from an expired parking meter.
FRED
Madison, shh.
MADISON
It was a good joke, though.
ADA MARA
Mr. Kringle, do you believe that you are Santa Claus?
KRIS
Of course I do.
ADA MARA
That’s all, Your Honor, the State rests its case.
MADISON
Well, there goes your case. He just admitted guilt.
FRED
Madison, you promised if I let you sit at the defense table that you’d keep quiet.
JUDGE
Mr. Gailey?
MADISON
I’m just sayin’, you’ll never come back from that one.
FRED
Madison, I could have you removed for contempt of court!
JUDGE
Mr. Gailey! I can have you removed with her.
FRED
My apologies, Your Honor.
JUDGE
Now then, did you have anything to say on Mr. Kringle’s behalf?
FRED
Yes, Your Honor. I intend to prove that Mr. Kringle is Santa Claus.
JUDGE
Mr. Mara, I thought you said this was a cut and dried sanity hearing.
ADA MARA
Well, I thought it was, Your Honor.
JUDGE
In view of Mr. Gailey’s statement, I’ll have to review the entire background of this case. Court’s adjourned till tomorrow morning.
MADISON
You’re going to prove he’s Santa Claus?
FRED
Absolutely.
MADISON
Get a bed ready at Bellevue, Kris. Fred’s lookin’ to join you.
FRED
Oh, not to worry. I have a few tricks up my sleeve.
KRIS
Miss Standish, how is Susan taking all of this?
MADISON
Su– oh, dammit!
SCENE FOURTEEN
MADISON
Okay, Susan, you sit right here next to me. We’ll watch from the gallery. Since I’m no longer welcome at the defense table.
SUSAN
I don’t understand why I couldn’t’ve gone to school today.
MADISON
Because your teacher got mad that I wasn’t on time to pick you up.
SUSAN
You were three hours late.
MADISON
Well, then, she could’ve helped you with your homework.
JUDGE
Proceed with the witness, Mr. Gailey.
FRED
Now then, Mr. Macy, if you recognize the defendant, please tell us who he is.
MR. MACY
Why, Kris Kringle, of course.
FRED
Do you believe him to be of sound mind?
MR. MACY
Sound mind? I wish I had a dozen like him.
ADA MARA
Mr. Macy! You are under oath. Do you believe that man is Santa Claus?
MR. MACY
Well, now that’s, uh, rather a delicate, uh…
SUSAN
Even Mr. Macy doesn’t believe Mr. Kringle is really Santa Claus.
MADISON
Oh, he’s a captain of industry. He’ll say whatever he needs to to protect his business.
SUSAN
That seems very dishonest.
MADISON
See? You never would’ve learned that if you’d gone to school today.
ADA MARA
Well, Mr. Macy? Is that man Santa Claus?
MR. MACY
Yes! In my opinion, he most certainly is!
SUSAN
He just lied for his company?
MADISON
Go Capitalism!
ADA MARA
Your Honor! There is no such person as Santa Claus, and everybody knows it!
FRED
Can you prove there isn’t any?
ADA MARA
Your Honor, the prosecution requests an immediate ruling from this court. Is there or is there not a Santa Claus?
SUSAN
Now the judge has to decide if Mr. Kringle is really Santa Claus?
MADISON
No, it’s gone existential. He has to decide if Santa Claus even exists.
SUSAN
So, he’s being asked to make a ruling on faith and people’s right to believe in things when common sense tells them not to?
MADISON
Truthfully, as an atheist, I’m kinda torn on this one.
ADA MARA
Well, Your Honor?
JUDGE
Uh, now, uh– I, uh– The court will take a short recess to consider the question!
KRIS
Fred, Mr. Macy believes in me.
FRED
He’s not the only one, Kris.
KRIS
Susan still has doubts, though.
FRED
Not to worry. Pretty soon we’ll have all of New York City believing.
KRIS
I suppose.
SUSAN
Madison, do you think the judge will rule that there is such thing as Santa Claus?
MADISON
I’ll tell ya this. Judges get elected, so he won’t want to be on the ballot as the “Judge Who killed Christmas.”
SUSAN
People will remember this one case and not look at his lifetime of service on the bench?
MADISON
Oh, Susan. You’re just showing how young and immature you are.
SUSAN
I am eight.
JUDGE
The, uh, the question of Santa Claus seems to be, uh, largely a matter of opinion. The, uh, tradition of American justice demands a broad and unprejudiced view of such a controversial matter.
ADA MARA
But, Your Honor!
JUDGE
This court, therefore, intends to keep its mind open. We shall ask for evidence on either side.
ADA MARA
But the burden of proof clearly rests with my opponent. Can he produce any evidence to support his views?
FRED
If Your Honor, pleases, I can. Will Thomas Mara please take the stand?
ADA MARA
Who, me?
FRED
No. Thomas Mara, Junior.
TOMMY
Hi, Papa!
ADA MARA
Hi… Tommy…
FRED
Tommy, do you believe in Santa Claus?
TOMMY
I sure do!
SUSAN
Of course he does.
MADISON
You know, Susan, with training, you could grow up to be an ah-mazing “mean girl.”
SUSAN
Like you?
MADISON
I’ve always wanted to be a mentor.
FRED
Now, Tommy, what does Santa Claus look like?
TOMMY
There he is sitting right over there!
ADA MARA
Your Honor, I protest!
JUDGE
Overruled!
FRED
Tell me, Tommy, why are you so sure there is a Santa Claus?
TOMMY
Because my papa told me so! Didn’t you, Pop?
FRED
Thank you, Tommy. You can go back to your mother now.
TOMMY
See ya later, Papa!
ADA MARA
Your Honor–
TOMMY
Don’t forget, Santa Claus, this year I want a football helmet!
KRIS
Don’t worry, Tommy, you’ll get it.
ADA MARA
Your Honor, the State of New York demands that Mr. Gailey stop presenting personal opinion as evidence. I insist he submit authority to prove that Mr. Kringle here is the one and only Santa Claus.
JUDGE
Mr. Gailey, are you prepared to show that Mr. Kringle is Santa Claus on the basis of unprejudiced authority?
FRED
Well, sir… No, not now, I need a little time.
JUDGE
Very well. Until tomorrow. Court’s adjourned.
SUSAN
Oh, dear. Mr. Gailey is losing, isn’t he?
MADISON
Yeah. Looks like Santa Claus is not comin’ to town.
SUSAN
He’s already in town. He’s right there.
MADISON
It was a reference to the, uh, song–
SUSAN
I know.
MADISON
Mean girl! Niiiice.
SCENE FIFTEEN
MADISON
Come on, Susan, eat your dinner.
SUSAN
I really don’t consider cereal “dinner.”
MADISON
Then you’ll never survive college.
SUSAN
I’m just thinking of Mr. Kringle. He’s so kind and nice and jolly. He’s not like anyone else I know.
MADISON
Oh, so, I’m not kind and nice and… whatever else you just said. I was only half listening.
SUSAN
I think that he must be Santa. And I’ll write him a letter. Maybe that’ll cheer him up. Will you mail it for me?
MADISON
Sure. Postage now is only like, what, three cents?
SUSAN
You don’t have three cents do you?
MADISON
Well, it’s not like your mom is sending me weekly Venmo payments.
SUSAN
What about your checks from Macy’s?
MADISON
If I knew how to cash a check, I would. Boomer.
SCENE SIXTEEN
MADISON
Oh, dude! Are you the mailman?
VITO
Who do I look like, lady, Santy Claus?
MADISON
If Santa Claus smoked Marlboros and lived on a strict diet of whiskey.
VITO
Well, Merry Christmas to you.
MADISON
Wait, wait, wait. I need you to mail this letter.
VITO
I can’t mail this. You ain’t got no stamp. Ya just taped three pennies to the front.
MADISON
Come on, it’s a kid’s letter to Santa Claus. I’m basically spending three cents to throw this in the garbage. Just take it, okay?
VITO
Fine, lady, whatever ya say.
LOUIE
Hey, Vito, what’s takin’ so long?
VITO
Louie, check this out. Here’s a new one for ya. Instead of the North Pole, this kid’s got the letter addressed to “Kris Kringle, New York County Courthouse.”
LOUIE
Well, the kid’s right.
VITO
Huh? Ohhh, yeah, sure, they got him on trial down there. Hey, I got an idea.
LOUIE
Yeah?
VITO
How many Santy Claus letters we got down there in the dead letter office?
LOUIE
Oh, who knows? Must be fifty thousand. Bags and bags all over the joint.
VITO
Wouldn’t it be nice to get rid of ’em all?
LOUIE
You’re brilliant, Vito! I bet we both get promoted!
MADISON
Oh, hey, one more thing. You’re from an official government agency or whatever, right? Can you cash this check?
SCENE SEVENTEEN
ADA MARA
And since the defense has been unable to submit one shred of proof that Kris Kringle is the one and only Santa Claus, and since tonight is Christmas Eve, I ask, Your Honor, that this hearing be terminated without further delay.
FRED
I protest! I do have evidence.
JUDGE
What evidence?
KRIS
This letter, Your Honor. It’s from Susan Walker. She believes in me! Oh, this letter means more to me than anything in the world.
SUSAN
He got my letter!
MADISON
And I got my check cashed. Which isn’t that impressive since minimum wage in 1947 is sixty-five cents an hour.
FRED
That letter, Your Honor, was delivered by the United States Post Office — an official agency of the
federal government.
ADA MARA
Your Honor, what bearing has it on the sanity of that man?!
FRED
The laws of this country make it a criminal offense to misdirect mail or deliver it to the wrong party.
MADISON
Tell that to the Amazon delivery guys.
FRED
Your Honor, that letter just received by Mr. Kringle is positive proof that–
ADA MARA
One letter is hardly positive proof!
MADISON
Yeah! Where’s the DNA evidence?
FRED
I have further exhibits, Your Honor, but I — I hesitate to produce them.
JUDGE
Come, come, Mr. Gailey, put them here on my desk.
FRED
But, Your Honor–
JUDGE
I said, put them on my desk!
FRED
All right, boys! Bring ’em in!
ADA MARA
Your Honor! What — what is this?
SUSAN
Look at all of those sacks of letters!
MADISON
It’s what sharing a meme would look like in real life.
FRED
Empty those mail sacks on Judge Harper’s desk!
JUDGE
Now, now, just a second here!
FRED
Your Honor, every one of those letters in every one of those mail sacks is addressed to Santa Claus. The Post Office delivered them. Therefore, the Post Office department recognizes Kris Kringle to be the one and only Santa Claus.
JUDGE
Since the United States Government declares this man to be Santa Claus, this court will not dispute it! Case dismissed!
SUSAN
Mr. Kringle won!
MADISON
Yay! Christmas is saved!
SUSAN
I don’t understand. How can a holiday require saving?
MADISON
Christmas is always on the brink of some threat coming to take it all away. It’s like the women’s reproductive rights of holidays.
SCENE EIGHTEEN
SUSAN
Where are you driving us to, Mr. Gailey?
FRED
Oh, well, I got these directions from Mr. Kringle. He said it was a Christmas Day surprise. Madison, what does it say for our next turn?
MADISON
“Turn right on Ashley Avenue.” But it doesn’t say how many feet until the turn. I don’t need the street name! I need to be told precisely how many feet until the turn — which everyone can easily calculate in their head while driving forty miles an hour.
SUSAN
Stop the car! Oh, stop the car, please!
FRED
Susie, what is it? What’s the matter?
SUSAN
There it is! The house! The house!
FRED
Susie!
MADISON
This demonstrates the importance of childproof locks.
FRED
She’s running into that house!
MADISON
It’s got a “for sale” sign out front. It’s either empty, or she just scared the crap outta a family trying to celebrate Christmas.
FRED
We better find her! Susie! Hey, Susie!
MADISON
Hello? Anyone home? Sorry our kid went feral and ran into your house!
DORIS
Fred?
FRED
Doris!
MADISON Susan’s mom?
FRED
What are you doing here?
MADISON
Ooo, can I get paid? It’s Christmas Day and I’ve literally been babysitting Susan since Thanksgiving for free.
FRED
Why are you in this house, Doris?
DORIS
This was my mother’s house. She’s been sick and passed, so I’ve been taking care of her estate and preparing to sell the house.
SUSAN
Mother! It’s our house! It’s the one I asked him for! Mr. Kringle!
DORIS
What is all this?
MADISON
Uh… in a nutshell, your daughter believes in Santa Claus now and thinks he gave her this house for Christmas.
DORIS
What?!
MADISON
Oh, and she might start cursing like a sailor, but I have no idea where she picked that up from.
SUSAN
You were right, Mr. Gailey, you were right!
DORIS
Mr. Gailey was right about what?
SUSAN
Mr. Kringle is Santa Claus!
DORIS
Susan–
SUSAN
I’m going out back, to see if there’s a swing! There is one, oh, there is one!
DORIS
Santa Claus?! Fred–
FRED
Now, now, Doris, you won’t want to let Susie down, do you?
MADISON
And if you keep that apartment in the city and rent it out, property values are going to skyrocket and Susan will never have to work a day in her life.
FRED
How ’bout it, Doris? The three of us together… in this house?
DORIS
Well… you are very persuasive.
FRED
Naturally. I’ve got to be a pretty good lawyer to take a little old man and legally prove to the world that he’s Santa Claus.
DORIS
Oh… Fred.
MADISON
Hey, did you guys notice the cane over by the door–
MADISON
Okay. I’m… feelin’ a bit like a third wheel here. Uh… I’ll just make sure Susan doesn’t break her neck on that swing out there. So… I helped save Christmas but she gets the hunky guy, Susan gets to live in a great house away from the city, and since I was seasonal help at the store and this babysitting gig is over… I’m gonna have myself a merry little Christmas on the unemployment line. Some miracle. Ho, ho, ho.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
This presentation of “Miracle on 34th Street” was adapted for the anthology series, “The Lux Radio Theatre,” airing on December 20th, 1948, a year after the film’s release. The radio series was known for bringing the original casts of hit movies to the airwaves, and this presentation included Maureen O’Hara, John Payne and in the role of Kris Kringle, Edmund Guinn who had earlier in the year taken home both the Academy Award and Golden Globe for his appearance as Santa Claus. The Lux Radio Theatre was performed live before a studio audience located in the heart of Hollywood at the CBS studios at the famous intersection of Hollywood and Vine. A perfect spot to ensure a myriad of Hollywood stars would appear during the Lux Radio Theater’s two decades on the air. Merry Holidays!