MADISON ON THE AIR: “JEFF REGAN, INVESTIGATOR: THE LADY WITH THE GOLDEN HAIR”
Crossover with “Sinclair Wants to Help” Podcast
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JUN 2023
SCENE ONE
MADISON
Hey, guys. So, like earlier this year when I tried to be a private detective all by myself, it kinda went sideways with an alien invasion, so I decided maybe I wasn’t ready to go out on my own. And then there’s the whole thing about renting an office space, hiring employees… the tax paperwork alone. uck. So, I’ve been sticking to the gig job life. Which lead me to work for this dude, Anthony J. Lyon.
SINCLAIR
Hello, everyone. I’m not actually Anthony J. Lyon. My name’s Sinclair. How do I put this for the uninitiated … I’m a “minor-level deity of indistinct origin.” A god. But not the god who gets all the media attention. No. I’m kind of a “self-help” god. Well, I help myself, and if it ends up benefiting someone else, bonus. When I saw this Madison Standish here jumpin’ around between all of these old time radio shows, I knew she needed help. And since I’m always looking for a new business venture — and who doesn’t love noir detectives — I stepped in for this “Anthony J. Lyon” who runs a detective agency in Los Angeles. I hired Madison, which made her–
MADISON
The Lyon’s Eye!
ANNOUNCER
Standby for trouble, standby for suspense, standby for adventure in tonight’s story… “The Lady with the Golden Hair.”
MADISON
Ooo! Am I the lady with the golden hair?
SINCLAIR
No. You’re a lady with golden hair, but not the lady with golden hair.
MADISON
Are we talking about Barbie?
SINCLAIR
It’s 1948. Barbie dolls won’t be released for another eleven years.
MADISON
Oh. Wait, how do you know that?
VLADNIK
Pardon of me. You are Mr. Lyon, no? I am Max Vladnik and have come to see you unappointed.
SINCLAIR
Attached to that thick Russian accent was a little curly headed man about forty in a black suit. He was holding a stack of fifty dollar bills, a gold headed cane and a red card in one hand. In his other, he had a black derby with a hole through the top of it. But I was most interested in the fifty dollar bills. Please, come in my office and sit down mister… uh…
VLADNIK
Vladnik. Max Vladnik of 1-6-4-2 Mulholland Drive, Hollywood, ’28. On Imperial Studio’s payroll, so time I do not have. I will not sit. I demonstrate. This a ticket because I park in wrong place. I destroy it because my time is worth more than my try to find right place.
MADISON
O.M.G.! That’s exactly why I park in bus zones! Like, the people riding the bus have already accepted that they have miserable lives. They’re riding the bus. So they can just deal with going around my car.
VLADNIK
Also, time I do not have to listen to this one talk.
MADISON
What did Yakov Smirnoff just say to me?
SINCLAIR
Hey, that’s quite a bundle of cash, there, Vladnik.
VLADNIK
Yes, from bank I just arrive. For you. All for you.
SINCLAIR
Well, then, what can we here at the International Detective Bureau do for you?
VLADNIK
Bullet hole in hat, see you?
MADISON
I was looking at your cane. It’s one of those decorative ones, right? Like, you’re not otherwise-abled?
VLADNIK
I am otherwise speaking of my hat.
MADISON
I tried to bring back canes as a fashion accessory. When you’re drunk in stilettos, who couldn’t use a cane?
SINCLAIR
Madison, how about letting the man finish what he’s saying?
VLADNIK
I finish with this. 1… 2… 3…
MADISON
Those look like .22 slugs.
SINCLAIR
.38s.
MADISON
But they look like .22 slugs.
SINCLAIR
Not even close.
MADISON
But they–
VLADNIK
Who cares for numbers? They kill the same!
MADISON
That’s what I was gonna say!
SINCLAIR
No, you weren’t.
VLADNIK
All these interruptions when last night I nearly be killed!
SINCLAIR
Sorry. Sorry. Uh, where did you get these bullets, Vladnik?
VLADNIK
I dig them out of doorway where I am shot last night in my home.
MADISON
Was it the Russian mafia?
SINCLAIR
Nah. They won’t start operating in the U.S. til the mid ’70s.
MADISON
Well, aren’t you just a walking wiki page.
VLADNIK
I have no enemies. Everyone is madly in love with Max Vladnik. I must buy new hat, cannot buy new head. Kindly, you will guard my body from dying?
SINCLAIR
Of course. Madison here will see that no harm comes to you.
MADISON
Me? A bodyguard? Do I look like Kevin Costner?
SINCLAIR
No. His blonde hair is natural.
MADISON
Don’t even start with me. Do you know how hard it is to find a hairstylist in the 1940s who doesn’t third degree bleach your scalp?
VLADNIK
Blonde hair is delicate matter.
MADISON
Ha! Even the Communists know more about hair than you.
SINCLAIR
Well, wonderful. Then you two will have plenty to talk about while you’re guarding him.
MADISON
No way! I am not gonna be anybody’s bodyguard. Let him call the police.
VLADNIK
No! No police. I explain. In Imperial Motion Picture Studio, is much newspaper free sometimes for agents to press Hollywood.
MADISON
He talks like a word jumble.
SINCLAIR
I think he means the studio’s agents use the Hollywood newspapers for free press.
VLADNIK
Of course is what I said! So, police might think because I work on great epic movie, is free trick for agents to press.
SINCLAIR
Ah. You think the police won’t believe you. That you’re just out to get some free publicity.
MADISON
That much I got.
SINCLAIR
Congratulations. Maybe I was just clarifying for our podcast audience.
MADISON
Podcast? How do you–
VLADNIK
But is no joke! To you I come and take no chance.
MADISON
Okay, well, little Russian dude, even if you were Whitney Houston, I wouldn’t be your bodyguard. Although, isn’t it sad to think that if Whitney had had a bodyguard, she might not have drown in that tub?
SINCLAIR
I’m sorry, who’s in charge here? I said you’re doing it.
MADISON
The last boss who tried to pull that on me ended up working the deep fryer at Wendy’s.
SINCLAIR
Well, then you can just shoot your complaint on over to Shirley in the HR department. Oh, wait, we don’t have an HR department.
MADISON
Then what happened to Shirley?
VLADNIK
Poor Max Vladnik. This master of makeup, who is so great, he is imported to Hollywood to create beautiful faces from skin which is old. Miracles he works. And now, a bullet comes to end his miracles.
MADISON
Hang on. You’re a makeup artist? A Hollywood makeup artist?
VLADNIK
Without Max Vladnik, many stars of silver screen not shine.
MADISON
Okay, verifying, language barrier–
SINCLAIR
Yes, Madison, Max Vladnik, here, is a top makeup artist in Hollywood. Say, aren’t you some kind of makeup blogger?
MADISON
Yeah…
VLADNIK
You makeup artist, as well? I recognize immediately but say nothing, for it rude to comment on woman’s makeup. But yours, expertly contoured.
MADISON
Really?
VLADNIK
It is shame you not guard body. For then I show you my home studio.
MADISON
A professional Hollywood makeup studio?!
SINCLAIR
Well, Vladnik, maybe I could find another one of my agents to take the job.
VLADNIK
Thank you, Mr. Lyon. Give me person name, so my guest they will be at studio for filming shoot.
SINCLAIR
Let me get out my rolodex.
MADISON
I’ll do it!!
SINCLAIR
No, Madison, you’re right. This job just isn’t a good fit for you.
MADISON
“Good fit”? I’m a woman. I wear shoes two sizes too small so I can lie to myself I don’t have big feet. Come on!
SINCLAIR
All right, Vladnik, Madison here will stick right by your side until we can get to the bottom of all this.
VLADNIK
Already better I feel. Thank you, Mr. Lyon.
MADISON
Okay, Lyon.
SINCLAIR
Okay… Get going.
MADISON
Dude, you promised when I got an assignment, you’d give me a gun.
SINCLAIR
Did I? Why don’t we see how this job goes, then we can decide if you’re issued a gun.
MADISON
Kevin Costner had one!
SINCLAIR
So did Alec Baldwin, and we all know how that turned out.
VLADNIK
Please, Miss Standish! Waste no more time. We must go!
SINCLAIR
You must go. Remember to call me if you run into anything.
MADISON
Then expect a phone call. On canyon roads I’ve run into parked cars, light posts, and a hot tub.
VLADNIK
Hot tub?
MADISON
It was being unloaded from a truck.
SINCLAIR
I did mention I thought she needed help, right?
SCENE TWO
SINCLAIR
Well, you can see how it was. When Madison got to Max Vladnik’s car, naturally it was parked in a red zone. And, naturally, there was another ticket on it that he tore up, too. Then they drove out to his house. It was about six o’clock when Madison and Max pulled up in front of his house on Mulholland Drive. Now, did I think Madison would make a good bodyguard? Truth be told, I wouldn’t trust her to watch my goldfish. If I ever had a goldfish. But upon meeting Max the makeup artist, I really couldn’t imagine who would want him dead. So maybe I didn’t take the whole thing very seriously at the start. But Madison was just about to find out how serious the little man was. As Max was pulling things out of his pockets looking for the keys to the front door, it happened.
VLADNIK
See?! See?! What I tell you? All this time shooting at Max!
MADISON
Stop standing there! Get down! You have the survival instincts of a lemming on a ledge!
VLADNIK
But here you are. So I tell you my heart is full again of hope.
MADISON
Fabulous, Obama. How ’bout having hope and ducking from the bullets?
VLADNIK
First he ruins my hat, now my trousers suffer. For how long we lie here on my front porch?
MADISON
He stopped shooting.
VLADNIK
Bullets he is out of, I think. All of them now in my doorway.
MADISON
He’s making a run for it.
VLADNIK
So you chase him, yes?
MADISON
No. I only run in an air conditioned gym with a TV screen in front of my treadmill.
VLADNIK
But there is no stopping Max’s killer if he run away!
MADISON
I’m wearing heels!
VLADNIK
I make for you special blush color, no one else in all the world will have cheek bones such as yours.
MADISON
Sold.
SINCLAIR
And with that little bit of bribery, Madison took off for the heavy brush where white gunsmoke still hung around the trees. She was right about those heels. She ran like a gazelle with a hoof infection. But, luckily for her, her assailant wasn’t exactly a cheetah. He was a gray haired man, stocky build with glasses. He was running down the hill about a hundred feet away from her, waving a gun over his head like a kid playing Cowboys and Indians. But what he lacked for in speed, he made up for in acrobatics. He dived over a wooden road bracer and went skidding down the embankment, leaping over the hood and into an old Chevy convertible. And in a matter of moments, he took off into a cloud of dust.
MADISON
Daymn! Who is this guy? Luke Duke in Uncle Jessie’s body?
SINCLAIR
And, failing to catch her prey, the defeated gazelle lumbered back to the house. Yes, I know I just conflated my animal metaphors, but, hey, we didn’t have the budget to hire David Attenborough.
SCENE THREE
HILDA
Oh, Max, darling! This is absolutely terrible, terrible! Oh, something like this happening to you! Oh, Max. Why would anyone want to do such a thing is beyond me!
SINCLAIR
Madison got back to the house about ten minutes later, her two-sizes-too-small heels in her hands as she retraced her steps. There was a black convertible in the driveway, and a very blonde girl in the doorway. The overly dramatic blonde was digging the new slugs out of the woodwork with a penknife, rattling away at Max who was lying on a porch chair. When the blonde woman saw Madison, she pulled off her sunglasses and held out her hand.
HILDA
How do you do. You’re Miss Standish? Did you kill him?
MADISON
Kill him? I’m just a private detective. I can’t go around killing people like the police.
VLADNIK
And gun she does not have.
HILDA
You don’t have a gun? How can you be a detective if you don’t have a gun? How can you possibly protect my Max if you don’t have a gun?
VLADNIK
My gun she shall use, my darling. Russian made. For the war. I would use myself but these hands create beauty, not death.
MADISON
My hands don’t create death! Well, not on purpose. And, anyway, those frogs weren’t endangered.
HILDA
So, he got away? Did you at least see who he was?
MADISON
Oh, I am not good with that “describe what he looked like” stuff. I always figured that in any crucial situation, I’d just film it with my phone. So my skills of observation are as undeveloped as my critical thinking.
HILDA
Then Max is no better off than before he hired you.
MADISON
Who are you, exactly?
VLADNIK
Oh, beg my pardon. This is Hilda Graham. You have seen her in pictures. She’s my wife, almost.
MADISON
Your wife?
HILDA
Almost.
MADISON
Is it some sort of green card thing? Because you’re not only way outta his league, but I thought he’s batting for the opposing team.
HILDA
Miss Standish, these attempts on my dear Max’s life need to stop. Why, he’s the finest makeup artist in the world! It would be a great loss to Hollywood if anything ever happened to him.
MADISON
Oh, yeah, speaking of which, can I see your makeup studio now?
VLADNIK
Now? When second shooter of Max is only this minute driving away?
MADISON
Yaaah. He’s gone, you’re not shot. Tell me, what are your thoughts on eyebrows? I mean, I like them groomed, but you know those girls who’s eyebrows are so overly drawn and perfect that all you can do is stare at them, waiting for them to come to life like two angry caterpillars?
HILDA
Max, why don’t we all go inside. You need your rest.
VLADNIK
So busy I am. I, I need to work.
HILDA
No, darling, you go lie down in the bedroom. The studio can wait.
VLADNIK
All right, then. Miss Standish, top drawer of desk is my weapon. Loaded it is. You take.
HILDA
Now to bed. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.
VLADNIK
You see, Miss Standish? You must keep me alive. For Hilda.
HILDA
So, Miss Standish, aren’t you going to go looking for the shooter? Send out an alarm or whatever you do?
MADISON
I’m the bodyguard. So I stay with the body. Are you gonna be here all night? Because I’m not gettin’ paid to watch two bodies. Oh, god. Just got an image of you two together. It’s like if Barbie made it with a Hobbit.
HILDA
Do you think he’s the kind I’d really have something in common with?
MADISON
Dude, do you have any alcohol around here? Because I need a brain eraser, stat.
HILDA
Will scotch do?
MADISON
Bring the bottle.
HILDA
Well, to your question, I was just leaving. I have to be at the studio early tomorrow. If there’s anything I can do at all, I’d be only too happy to cooperate.
MADISON
Can I have those .22 caliber bullets you took out of the doorway?
HILDA
Aren’t they .38 caliber?
MADISON
Just gimme the damn bullets.
HILDA
Certainly, I completely forgot about those. I meant to give them to you earlier. Here.
MADISON
And the drink.
HILDA
Of course. Well, Miss Standish, it’s been nice meeting you. I know you’ll take good care of Max. I live by myself in Toluca Lake. Contact me if you need anything.
SINCLAIR
Madison followed her out the door. There was a reason Hilda was a movie star. It was hard to take your eyes off of her, no matter who you were. Especially for Madison, who’s years of watching TMZ had truly warped her impression of what glamour really was. Hilda slid behind the wheel of that convertible of hers like she’d been built right along with it. And in mere moments, that famous golden hair was blowing behind her as she vanished around the bend of Hollywood’s Mulholland Drive.
MADISON
I have got to ask her where she gets her hair done. Oh, crap. Am I allowed to answer someone else’s phone? How does that work? There’s no voicemail, they can’t leave a message. And it’s ringing so loud! I don’t want it to wake him. I should answer it, right? Hello?
SINCLAIR
Madison, that you?
MADISON
This isn’t my phone. How’d you know it’s me?
SINCLAIR
I recognize your voice.
MADISON
Well, who are you? There’s no caller I.D.
SINCLAIR
It’s Sincl– the Lyon. Look, I hadn’t heard from you. I was calling to see how it’s going with Max. I did a little digging, and the treasury department tells me he paid twenty thousand last year in income tax. So he can afford a little bit of protection.
MADISON
I’m up here in the hills chasing shooters down embankments like a coyote after a chihuahua and you’re looking up the dude’s tax returns?
SINCLAIR
Shooters?
MADISON
Well, one shooter. And you never gave me a gun, by the way. Oh, wait, Max said he had a gun in the top drawer of his desk. Hang on.
SINCLAIR
Uh, Madison, there is a reason I never gave you a gun.
MADISON
I’m getting shot at over here! How am I supposed to be a bodyguard if I don’t have a gun? I am not taking a bullet for this dude. I’m gonna guess that even in the ’40s, the secret service makes more than the ten dollars a day you pay me.
SINCLAIR
Interesting bit of history. Abraham Lincoln actually created the secret service, but under his presidency they were only used to investigate counterfeit currency. It wouldn’t be until the assassination of President McKinley in 1901, that Congress voted to use them for guarding the president.
MADISON
Your talking about assassinations is not making me feel any better about this job.
SINCLAIR
Sorry. Human history is just too funny.
MADISON
Can’t we call the cops?
SINCLAIR
What? And have them do for free what we’re getting paid to do? Not of your life. And I mean that literally.
MADISON
Wow. These are really big bullets.
SINCLAIR
Okay, ya know what, I’ll send Joe Canto out there to give you a hand. This Max is a first class gold mine, as far as I’m concerned. So until Joe shows up, stick by Max and don’t call the cops. Are you drinking?
MADISON
You heard that?
SINCLAIR
Put the gun back in the drawer, Madison.
MADISON
What? Hello? Lyon? I can’t hear you! I think we have a bad connection!
SINCLAIR
What are you talking about? It’s a landline!
MADISON
Well, I’m not trained to use a gun, but thirty-two states don’t require training, and most of those don’t even require a permit, so, must be as safe as driving a car. Which does require a license in every state. Huh.
SCENE FOUR
VLADNIK
Madison, you be getting the door! I not want to be shoot again!
MADISON
I don’t think your assassin is gonna ring the doorbell! I don’t think… Who are you?! What do you want?!
CANTO
Whoa, whoa, Madison! Lower the gun! It’s me, Joe Canto! The Lyon sent me!
MADISON
Oh. Sorry. That Lilac bush did not deserve to die like that.
CANTO
Lyon mentioned the gun situation. Why don’t you give it to me?
MADISON
It’s Russian.
CANTO
I’m sure the bullets work just the same as the American ones.
VLADNIK
Madison! Who at door?
MADISON
It’s the other guy from my agency!
VLADNIK
Most wonderful!
MADISON
C’mon in, Joe. What took you so long?
VLADNIK
Hurry, Madison! The third act we are approaching!
CANTO
Third act?
MADISON
I thought he’d be showing me around his makeup studio. Instead, he’s got me acting out “The Cherry Orchard.”
CANTO
Well… that sounds… interesting.
MADISON
If you think the social change brought about by the Russian revolution thrusting the classes into a socioeconomic struggle as symbolized by the cherry orchard itself interesting.
CANTO
Uh… yeah. So… sorry I’m late. I stopped by police ballistics. I had the .38 slugs Max brought in checked.
MADISON
Oh! I got some more in my pocket.
CANTO
Well, I found a winner. Gun belongs to a fellow named Pete Berger. No permit on it. He’d done six to eight in San Quintin once for robbery. Sprung a couple years ago.
MADISON
Okay. So, what do I do with that information?
CANTO
I got his current address if you want to go check it out. He’s got a place on Figueroa right off Sunset.
MADISON
That means I’d have to drive down Coldwater in the dark. And it’s all twisty.
VLADNIK
Madison! I need my Madame Ranevskaya!
MADISON
Gimme your keys.
CANTO
What am I supposed to do with him?
MADISON
Max! Great news! I got a Yasha for ya!
VLADNIK
Most wonderful!
CANTO
Yasha?
MADISON
I’ve never been a bodyguard before, but I’ve been a babysitter. So, I’m treating him like the kids I sat. Play with them to tire them out, put them to bed, then break into the liquor cabinet. Bye!
VLADNIK
Yasha! Your mother has come to visit!
CANTO
Great. I hate the European naturalist movement.
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
Dude. This is a bar.
FLOSSY
Actually, it’s a library. I’m just a really lenient librarian.
MADISON
Well, then I’d like to check out a volume of hard liquor.
FLOSSY
I like you, sister. They call me Flossy.
MADISON
Why? You a dentist?
FLOSSY
Yeah. I freelance in between my library job. I haven’t seen you around here before. Got a name?
MADISON
Doesn’t everybody?
FLOSSY
Want to share it with the class?
MADISON
Oh. Madison. S’up.
FLOSSY
Lemme guess. You just arrived on a Greyhound from Iowa, ready to become Hollywood’s next big star.
MADISON
O.M.G., you think I look like someone who would ride a bus? And be from Iowa?! I really need to get a better hairstylist.
FLOSSY
Okay, then, sister, what’s your story?
MADISON
Somebody gave me this address to find a Pete Berger? Does he live here? I lived in a bar once. I offered to pay rent, but the owner said he’d rather I pay for the alcohol I drank, and that was just more a month than I could afford.
FLOSSY
You a private peeper, then? You don’t look like no copper.
MADISON
Compliment. Thank you. But yes, I am. So, do you know Pete Berger? This is his last known address.
FLOSSY
I ain’t never heard of no Pete Berger, and neither has anybody else in here. He ain’t never lived here. Nobody lives here, okay? You got a bum steer.
MADISON
There’s a sign by that door that says, “Rooms for rent” and points upstairs.
FLOSSY
It’s an old sign.
MADISON
Then what’s up there?
FLOSSY
Rats. A storage room full of rats.
MADISON
Remember I just said I used to live in a bar? You can make friends with the rats. You go through a lot of cocktail onions, but they’ll eventually accept you.
FLOSSY
Hey! I didn’t say you could go up there!
MADISON
You didn’t say I couldn’t.
FLOSSY
Then I’m saying it now!
MADISON
Too late!
SINCLAIR
Madison was only halfway up the stairs. when a man in a gray sweatshirt banked over the top. There were three red holes center of that sweatshirt. Madison responded professionally.
MADISON
Ew!!!
SINCLAIR
Just then, the guy started stumbling down the stairs. He tried to say something, but it was all over for him. Turned out, Flossy did know Pete.
FLOSSY
Pete! Pete!
SINCLAIR
The washed up waitress ran over and was kneeling beside him, holding his head in her arms, rocking back-and-forth.
MADISON
That’s Pete?
SINCLAIR
Yeah, you guessed it. Pete was the same man Madison had chased that afternoon. And he didn’t live five seconds. But Madison took the news gracefully.
MADISON
Well that’s just perfect! Stupid, freakin’, gull dern, muther–
SINCLAIR
Her language got a bit explicit at that point. So, we’ll just go to the promo break.
ANNOUNCER
We’ll return in just a moment to tonight’s story of adventure and suspense! But first, here’s an important message.
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SIX
ANNOUNCER
Back to the story of “The Lady with the Golden Hair”.
SINCLAIR
Well, after Pete had come falling down the stairs and Flossy had had a good cry over him, Madison decided to disobey my direct orders and called Central Homicide. What did she care? It wasn’t her bottom line she was jeopardizing. They got there a few minutes later and went over the whole place taking pictures and prints. A wagon took what was left of Pete Berger down to the morgue, and Detective Lieutenant Salvatori Sanduci asked everybody the standard questions. He was a bit baffled, if not amused, by my female agent. But then, again, it was the 1940s, and nobody was thinking about diversity hiring just yet.
LIEUTENANT
You work for the Lyon. His, uh, “International Detective Bureau.” That right?
MADISON
That’s right. For the hundredth time. Do I need to get T-shirts printed?
LIEUTENANT
Ah, look, it’s just, I didn’t know he could afford a secretary. I figured he was so tight, he’d do all the typin’ himself.
MADISON
I’m not the secretary, I happen to be a private investigator, thank you.
LIEUTENANT
Oh, yeah? I don’t see no gun.
MADISON
That’s a whole story.
LIEUTENANT
All right, all right, all right, we’ll go with how you tell it for now. So, then, let me ask you this, when an ex-con named Pete Berger gets topped off just before a private dick comes around–
MADISON
Don’t call me a “private dick”. It sounds very gender specific.
LIEUTENANT
My apologies. Before a private lady dick comes around–
MADISON
Okay, maybe we should just stay away from all penis related labels here?
LIEUTENANT
Fine. But I got questions only you can answer. What’s your connection to the stiff?
MADISON
What did we just talk about?
LIEUTENANT
To the dead guy. To Berger.
MADISON
Oh. Gotcha. Okay, umm… All I know is that somebody’s been shooting at a client that I’m body guarding.
LIEUTENANT
I hope it wasn’t Pete Berger.
MADISON
Heh, heh, heh. No. But the bullets came from a gun owned by Pete Berger, so I came down to see him.
LIEUTENANT
Only he walks out all loaded down with .45 slugs and dies before you could say hello. Isn’t that a bummer? Who’s your client?
MADISON
I can’t say.
LIEUTENANT
But you will say.
MADISON
But… I won’t say. I’m really good at keeping secrets. Until it becomes financially rewarding for me to tell them.
LIEUTENANT
Are you asking me to bribe you to answer my questions?
MADISON
Oh, god, no. You couldn’t possibly afford it on a cop’s salary.
LIEUTENANT
Okay, okay. New question. Why was Pete shooting at your client?
MADISON
Uh, duh, that’s what I was gonna ask Pete.
LIEUTENANT
Then I guess that’s his secret no one can pay for.
MADISON
Can I go now? I still gotta drive back up Coldwater in the dark and with the ’40s having a significant lack of guard rails, I’d like to do it before the drunks get on the road.
LIEUTENANT
Like yourself? I can smell it on ya.
MADISON
Okay, the other drunks.
LIEUTENANT
Up Coldwater, ya say? Your client occupyin’ one of them big homes the rest of us can only dream about out over on Mulholland?
MADISON
Yeah. It’s Madonna. She says, “Hello and Goodbye, I just unemployed you.”
LIEUTENANT
You know… before Pete Berger went to San Quintin, he was never handy with a gun.
MADISON
Still isn’t. Unless he was aiming for the door.
LIEUTENANT
Guy had bad eyes. Couldn’t see his hand in front of his face.
MADISON
Well, he still earned a participation trophy ’cause he did his best.
LIEUTENANT
Flossy told me Pete’s been playin’ stunt man in the pictures. Makin’ a buck at it. Seems like he learned all his tricks while he was in the clink. They got a nice gym there.
MADISON
I don’t care if Andy Dufresne got him his G.E.D. The dude’s dead, it’s over.
LIEUTENANT
I still can’t understand why all of a sudden he’d go around shootin’ at somebody.
MADISON
Ohmahgod. Are we supposed to stand here and figure this out together like some sort of class group project? Because I never showed up for a single one of those work sessions. I just rode on the grade the others got.
LIEUTENANT
Well, with me not knowin’ who the client is, all I can do is speculate.
MADISON
Okay, fine. So the deal is, if Pete Berger was shooting at my unnamed client, who would shoot Pete?
LIEUTENANT
Maybe it was something personal, and Pete felt he had to do it. Then whomever your client is got kinda sore and turned around and plugged Pete. I couldn’t help but notice you’re not with your client. Makes it a little hard to be a bodyguard without the body.
MADISON
He’s at home with somebody else guarding him. And they’re probably chopping down the cherry orchard as we speak.
LIEUTENANT
A cherry orchard… riiight. Well, how ’bout this one, then? Pete Berger was a perfect set up for a wise guy. An ex-con who’d done fifteen years who learns his lesson, wants to make a straight dime. But some wise guy finds out Pete’s a con and says, “I’ll tell your boss unless you kick in,” and then maybe Pete starts shootin’ to shut him up.
MADISON
You said Pete was working as a stunt guy in the movies?
LIEUTENANT
A regular player at Imperial Pictures, from what Flossy tells me. That mean somethin’ to you?
MADISON
No… But I was almost a photo double for Renee Zellweger. Then “Bridget Jones’s Menopause” got stuck in turnaround.
LIEUTENANT
Right. So my story ends with the wise guy comin’ back to confront Pete for shootin’ at him, and then plugs Pete.
MADISON
I’m… really confused. Who’s the wise guy?
LIEUTENANT
Your client.
MADISON
I don’t know if I’d describe him as wise. A little high strung, maybe.
LIEUTENANT
Ya know what, Madison, in the interest of my ever wrappin’ up this case, I’ll figure it out myself.
MADISON
Oh. Okay! Bye! And that’s how you get everyone else in the group project to do the work for you. Make them so utterly annoyed,
that they tell you to go back to the dorm, they’ll do it themselves. Easy A, kids, easy A.
SCENE SEVEN
SINCLAIR
It was four A.M. by the time Madison got to the hills behind Coldwater Canyon and started up Mulholland Drive. The early morning fog was not the ideal driving condition for Madison, and it was by a miracle by some god other than me, that she didn’t upgrade from hot tub to swimming pool. When she pulled up in front of Max’s house, one light was burning in the window. The rest of the house looked dark and everything was quiet. Maybe “The Cherry Orchard” didn’t get a curtain call. But as soon as she opened that front door, Madison was hit by a wave of cordite. She didn’t know what that smell was from, and maybe that was my fault for not letting her have a gun. But the whole room was full of it, and she at least had sense enough to know that it wasn’t from Chinese takeout.
MADISON
The makeup studio!
SINCLAIR
Max Vladnik was lying half on the floor and a half on the table he used to create his miracles. A bottle of spirit gum was spilled on the floor, along with some false blonde hair and a cracked wig block. He had one free arm around a white plastered cast of a head just like it was a doll. And there were two holes in the middle of his forehead.
MADISON
His beautiful makeup, wigs, his masterpieces… all of it… gone with him. Lyon is gonna be so pissed.
CANTO
Madison?
MADISON
Dude! Joe! Ooo. That’s… a big pool of blood you’re lying in there. Can I, uh, help somehow?
CANTO
No, don’t try to move me.
MADISON
I’ll call 9-1-1! Wait, no such thing as paramedics yet. Or 9-1- 1. Awww. Nothing for Ryan Murphy to turn into a poorly written melodrama.
CANTO
Madison, I’ve been laying here waiting for you. It’s in my lungs somewhere. I don’t think I got any blood to spare.
MADISON
Yeah, the crime scene cleaning crew is gonna be workin’ overtime tonight.
CANTO
It happened an hour after you left. We were just about to start act four.
MADISON
Madame Ranevskaya’s departure from the house that has been hers her whole life but is no longer?
CANTO
Right. He went to his studio while I did some character study on the peasant class to truly understand the struggles they faced in pre-revolutionary Russia.
MADISON
That dude’s hard core.
CANTO
I heard a noise in the studio. I come in and the next thing I know, I’m takin’ a slug myself. I never saw who did it.
MADISON
Doctor! I should call a doctor!
CANTO
Yeah, maybe you should. I got a date tomorrow night. She’s been tryin’ to get rid of me. This’ll give her… this’ll give her a good excuse.
MADISON
Totally. I broke up with a football player in high school when he got injured. I’m a good-times girlfriend. Not a rehab-a-shattered-ankle girlfriend. Joe? Joe? Ah, damn. He passed out. Or… died? Eh. I’ll… let the doctor make that call. I’d hate to be the reason they bury another one alive.
SCENE EIGHT
SINCLAIR
Well, Madison made a lot of phone calls before it was all over. Hollywood Receiving Hospital, Sanduci, Central Homicide, and then I was lucky enough to be dragged out of bed. I said I’d meet her at the hospital. I got there first and was standing around the hall when she finally showed up. Now, how is it I managed to get here in under ten minutes, but you come waltzing in over forty-five minutes later?
MADISON
I never waltz. My generation doesn’t couples-dance. First, it dictates men that are the leads and women must follow them. Second, supports binary gender identification. Third, doesn’t allow for body autonomy. Fourth–
SINCLAIR
All right, already. I get it. Dancing is cancelled. Can we focus on why you dragged me to a hospital before the sun came up?
MADISON
You’re a little cranky. We should get some coffee.
SINCLAIR
I’m not paying for any hospital coffee! The doctor’s already gonna cost me plenty.
MADISON
Well, I need coffee. Whatever Flossy was serving is just about to reach maximum hangover.
SINCLAIR
Vending machine. Over there.
MADISON
No coffee shop?
SINCLAIR
No! But for the twenty-five bucks a day for the room plus surgery, the front desk should at least leave him a mint on his pillow!
MADISON
Yeesh. You are cranky. I’ll try the vending machine. So, is Joe out of surgery yet?
SINCLAIR
Yeah. Doctor’s already been out here.
MADISON
What the hell am I looking at?
SINCLAIR
What are you talking about?
MADISON
You said there was coffee in this thing? “Press button cream, sugar”? What the hell is this?
SINCLAIR
It’s a 1940’s vending machine, Gen-Useless. If you want a barista, get real comfy in the waiting room because Starbucks won’t be coming to town until around the ’90s.
MADISON
Okay, there you go again. How do you know future stuff? I’m the only one who knows future stuff.
SINCLAIR
I’d love to explain it to you, but I’ve seen your college transcripts. I honestly didn’t know a GPA could be that low.
MADISON
No one goes to college for the education.
SINCLAIR
Does every conversation have to be about you? Canto was shot.
MADISON
All right, gimme a quarter. I’m getting you whatever coffee-like liquid comes outta this thing.
SINCLAIR
I don’t have a quarter. And Canto getting himself shot is gonna eat up every penny we’ve made on this thing.
MADISON
Oh… so you’re not cranky because you’re tired, you’re cranky because you’re losing money.
SINCLAIR
And here I was thinking you were a lousy detective. Of course that’s why I’m cranky! I sunk dough into this venture and now it’s bleeding me dry.
MADISON
About an hour ago Joe was bleeding dry on Max’s linoleum.
SINCLAIR
Everybody dies. Except me.
MADISON
See, to you, employees are nothing but disposable pieces of Kleenex. You bosses just blow your snot all over us, then toss us away easily replacing us with the next one that pops up.
SINCLAIR
Ah, look. We’re back to talking about you again.
MADISON
It is in reference to Joe, too.
SINCLAIR
Well, if you’re concerned about Joe, here. They pulled this outta him.
MADISON
A .38 slug?
SINCLAIR
A .45.
MADISON
Now it’s a .45? Make up your mind.
SINCLAIR
It was .38s they got from Pete’s gun, but the bullets they found in Pete, and Joe and Max, were .45s.
MADISON
So, I’m looking for someone who’s got a .45 caliber gun?
SINCLAIR
You’re looking for nobody. This is a police job now.
MADISON
A police job? When did that happen?
SINCLAIR
The second our paying client permanently closed his revenue stream.
MADISON
You don’t care who shot Joe?
SINCLAIR
Are they going to pay for his hospital bills?
MADISON
I don’t know how that works. Is it a “sue for damages” kinda thing?
SINCLAIR
I’m telling you, I’m pulling the case. Whatever you do from here is on your own dime and I won’t be responsible for anything that happens. So if you end up in here, you’re paying the surgeon yourself.
MADISON
I don’t have health insurance, but maybe I can find an emergency room groupon.
SCENE NINE
HILDA
Well, Miss Standish, when I saw you at Max’s yesterday afternoon, I didn’t think I’d receive a visit from you at six o’clock in the morning. But, come in. I was just having coffee.
MADISON
Coffee?!
HILDA
Would you care for some?
MADISON
As long as it’s not out of a vending machine with “brewed fresh daily” written across it. I believe that as much as I believe bottled water comes from pristine mountain streams.
HILDA
Well, come into the kitchen. I’m up because I have to be at the studio for an early makeup job.
MADISON
Not by Max, though… right?
HILDA
No, he’s not working on this picture. Here you are.
MADISON
Thanks.
HILDA
Why do you ask? Oh, oh, Max. Something’s happened to Max!
MADISON
No! No, no, no! But actually the opposite of that. Yes. Very much yes. He’s dead.
HILDA
Oh, no! Oh, not Max! Oh… Max.
MADISON
He got shot like, three hours ago. But I wasn’t there! Another guy was body guarding him. So it wasn’t his fault.
HILDA
Why would anyone want to kill Max?
MADISON
I was trying to figure that out. Thoughts?
HILDA
Max expected me to marry him. He’s not my type, but it was sweet, really. It’s nice sometimes to have a man who idolizes you, you know?
MADISON
I prefer when they pay for things. So, did you know a dude named Pete Berger?
HILDA
No, I’ve never heard that name before.
MADISON
He works at the same studio as you guys. Stunt man. Mmm. I bet you’re one of those principal actors who doesn’t make eye contact with anyone below-the-line.
HILDA
It’s a big studio. I rather doubt I’ve had the opportunity to meet everyone who works there.
MADISON
Fair. But this Pete Berger guy was the one who shot at Max yesterday.
HILDA
And killed Max.
MADISON
Nupe. He’s dead, too. He was shot an hour before Max.
HILDA
This is very confusing. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.
MADISON
I dunno. But there’s gotta be some reason why they were both killed, right?
HILDA
I… wouldn’t know.
MADISON
Well, if I’ve learned anything from my true crime podcasts, if you find a reason, you find a killer. So, like, what would be a reason to kill a makeup artist?
HILDA
I… I really don’t know.
MADISON
The only time I had a reason to kill a makeup artist was when I was a bridesmaid in my brother’s wedding. My sister-in-law made me use her makeup artist, when she knew I was a professional makeup blogger and had a reputation to uphold! Orange eye shadow with my skin tone? Let’s just say I ended up doing my own makeup, and that makeup artist got first hand experience putting cover up on a black eye.
HILDA
Well, frankly, I’ve never understood why anyone would want to hurt poor Max.
MADISON
Yeah. You’ve said that like, a lot. Okay, well, he had a home makeup studio, right? He’s not makin’ TikTok videos, so what makeup is he doing at home?
HILDA
I don’t know. Max always tried to improve his work. I suppose that’s why he made the money he did.
MADISON
Ooo! So, like, he might’ve made a plaster cast of a head so he could practice makeup on the face? Kinda like those Barbie heads that get stained with makeup pretty much right away and end up looking like “Street Walker Barbie.”
HILDA
I… don’t know.
MADISON
So after that, you can’t put makeup on Barbie anymore, so you move on to her hair and end up giving her such a short haircut that even the military wouldn’t take her.
HILDA
Uh…
MADISON
Barbie’s hair!
HILDA
Barbie?
MADISON
The Lyon was right. Barbie won’t come out for another decade yet.
HILDA
Oh-kay…
MADISON
Barbie has the most amazing blonde hair ever. Kinda like yours.
HILDA
Oh, well, thank you. My press agent thinks it’s my best feature.
MADISON
I bet Max thought it was, too.
HILDA
Well, yes, certainly.
MADISON
Uh-huh. Poor Barbie. After we cut off all of her hair, she looked, well, terrible.
HILDA
Don’t say that! Don’t ever say a thing like that!
MADISON
Hey, there are lots of women who pull off the bald look.
HILDA
Stop it!
MADISON
Not Barbie, though. But I bet Ken loved her just the same. Even if she didn’t appreciate his love.
HILDA
Shut up!
MADISON
And I bet Ken would do anything for her. Like make her such an amazing wig, she’d become known for her gorgeous hair.
HILDA
Enough!
MADISON
Don’t take it out on the coffee! You blackmailed Pete to kill Max, but his lousy eyesight made him miss all the time. Hey, now that I know I was chasing a stunt man, I think I held my own. In heels.
HILDA
Get out!
MADISON
So you got pissed and killed Pete, and then you went over and killed Max yourself. And shot Joe while he was just trying to do his job and give a stunning performance of Yasha, the cultured but cruel and opportunistic manservant who openly despises his own class.
HILDA
Too bad you weren’t there!
MADISON
I know. My Madam Ranevskaya was ah-mazing.
HILDA
Where are you going?
MADISON
I’m calling the police. Seems apropos in the moment.
HILDA
No, you can’t! You mustn’t! They’ll find out about my hair! Please, oh, please don’t tell them about my hair! I couldn’t stand it. Oh, please don’t! You see how nice it can be!
MADISON
People are dead, and you still only care about your hair? Daymn, girl. That’s Kardashian level shallow. Maybe instead of movies, you should do a reality show.
SCENE TEN
SINCLAIR
Well, turns out Hilda had lost all of her hair when she was sick and she couldn’t stand the thought of anybody going around knowing it wasn’t her own. And that was all the motivation there was for killing Max. Can’t really blame her for that. Society has pressured women for centuries to obsess over youth and beauty. And no matter how much we say we’d like our Hollywood starlets to age gracefully, we would still rather see Phoebe Waller-Bridge pair up with Harrison Ford than Karen Allen. Phoebe wasn’t even born until after “Temple of Doom”. So… yeah, there you have it.
MADISON
Yeah, so, this job is not bringing me joy.
SINCLAIR
“Bringing you joy”? Is it bringing you a paycheck? Because last I heard, that’s the only thing jobs were designed for.
MADISON
Well, my generation wants more from our jobs than just money.
SINCLAIR
All right. But, seeing as your generation won’t grace this planet for another fifty years, you’re stuck working for money like the rest of us.
MADISON
There you go again. How do you know that?
SINCLAIR
Madison, I tried to help you — and I didn’t have to extract your soul out of your body or blow up your head, so I guess it went better than most jobs — but this whole thing is still a wash. Another failure due to the inherent flaws in humanity.
MADISON
I think humanity is the problem with most jobs. If it weren’t for having to deal with other humans, life would be a lot better.
SINCLAIR
Your lips to this god’s ears.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
First of all, big thanks to our special guest, Sinclair, aka Sean Drabik, from the audio drama “Sinclair Wants to Help!” Catch Sinclair’s stories of his life as a minor-level deity, available wherever you get your podcasts! Our crossover episode came from “Jeff Regan, Investigator” which first aired in July, 1948 and is best remembered by fans of old time radio as being one of the first nationwide broadcasts to feature Jack Webb of “Dragnet” fame. But by the end of 1948, Webb had left the show, reportedly after asking for too much money, and Frank Graham stepped in to replace Webb in the role. Graham had voiced animated characters from Disney, Warner Brothers, Tex Avery and many more. Unfortunately, while the show had strong ratings and was preparing to return for another season, Graham committed suicide due to a romantic break up. CBS decided not to recast the role, and the show ended in 1950.