MADISON ON THE AIR: “INNER SANCTUM: TILL DEATH DO US PART”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAY 2024
SCENE ONE
HOST
Good evening, friends. This is your host of the Inner Sanctum. Welcoming you through the creaking door. Well, I hope you’ve spent a nice quiet month building up your nervous system. What happened to Madison Standish at the end of “The Casebook of Gregory Hood”? Hmm? Was she killed by that nasty ol’ streetcar when the show’s sponsor, Harry Bartell, threw her in front of it?
MARY
Well, now, that is a frightful thought.
HOST
Oh, Mary! I didn’t see you come in.
MARY
Honestly, how can you imagine such an end for Madison, hmm? Run down by a cable car. It’s just too gruesome to think about.
HOST
I don’t know about being “too gruesome.” Seems right up my alley. If that alley has a dead body in it.
MARY
Then tell me, why would we be here doing this show if Madison were dead?
HOST
Aw, Mary. You let the dead alley cat out of the bag.
MARY
So, she’s perfectly all right then?
HOST
Mmm… I wouldn’t go that far.
MARY
Seems to me that rotten Mr. Harry Bartell should be held accountable for his actions!
HOST
Oh, he will, Mary, he will. Say, don’t you usually start each show talking about Lipton Tea?
MARY
And advertisement? At a time like this? You think I’d start talking about Lipton’s brisk flavor and soothing aroma while Madison’s fate is left so uncertain?
HOST
Of course, what was I thinking?
MARY
Although, folks, having a warm cup of Lipton Tea’s brisk flavor — that’s “brisk,” B-R-I-S-K — might help soothe you as you listen to this horrifying story.
HOST
“Horrifying”? Why, Mary, did you take a peek at the script?
MARY
Well, “Inner Sanctum” isn’t exactly “Little Orphan Annie.”
HOST
True. Very True. Although, maybe this episode won’t be so horrifying.
MARY
Oh?
HOST
How would you like to go on a honeymoon?
MARY
Honeymoon? With a nice young couple?
HOST
We shall see if they… play nice — in our story entitled, “Till Death Do Us Part.” Just look at them. Joe and Nancy Paige. Married hardly five hours and parked at the side of the road by the old mill stream.
MARY
“Joe and Nancy Paige?” Why, that’s Harry Bartell and Madison!
HOST
Shhh… don’t tell them that.
BARTELL
Why are we in a car together? How did we even get here?
MADISON
I don’t know how these old timey shows work.
BARTELL
And why are we in the middle of the woods? Weren’t we just in San Francisco?
MADISON
I don’t know. I just get zapped from one show to another.
BARTELL
“Zapped?” How?
MADISON
I… don’t… know-wah. Not everybody gets an origin story! But I’ll let you know when the Madison prequels come out.
BARTELL
The gas gage is full. Doesn’t appear that we got stranded here with car trouble.
MADISON
We’re gonna have car trouble. The headlights are still on. I never truly appreciated that annoying little headlight indicator dingy until I drained the battery in one of these old timey cars. It’s not always the big innovations that improve our way of life.
BARTELL
Maybe there’s something inside the car that can explain what’s going on. Dude, I wouldn’t be forty-five episodes in if I wasted time every show trying to figure out how I got there.
BARTELL
Well, excuse me for not being blasé, but it is my first experience at this. Ah!
MADISON
God this is gonna be a long episode with you.
BARTELL
You could help me look!
MADISON
What am I looking for?
BARTELL
Maybe there’s a map. Look in the glove compartment.
MADISON
Does anybody actually keep gloves in a glove compartment? Mine should be called the “fast-food napkins and expired insurance cards” compartment.
BARTELL
Just look.
MADISON
Fine. Well, no map, but there are some papers in here.
BARTELL
What are they?
MADISON
Uh, this one’s a receipt to a rental cabin? “Pine Woods Cabins.” Uck. Original. I bet the decor is wall-to-wall wood paneling and dead deer heads.
BARTELL
What’s the other one?
MADISON
A marriage license. “Joe and Nancy Paige”? Well, that answers one thing.
BARTELL
What?
MADISON
We’re in a stolen car.
BARTELL
Stolen car?!
MADISON
Sponsor-dude, look! Down on the bridge!
BARTELL
Of course you’d get me involved in a life of crime.
MADISON
Hey, in these shows I solve crimes. Or at least provide colorful commentary while other people solve crimes.
BARTELL
I wonder if I have enough money for bail. I could just turn myself in and finally be away from her. Where’s my wallet?
MADISON
There’re two people down on the bridge. You can see them in our headlights.
BARTELL
Oh, wonderful. I have three dollars.
MADISON
It’s too dark to go hiking. Hiking is a tripping hazard in the daytime. People are like, “Look at the beauty of nature all around you!” While I’m staring down at the trail trying not to break an ankle.
BARTELL
What’s this in my wallet?
MADISON
What’s it say?
BARTELL
It’s a drivers’ license.
MADISON
Well, you might’ve stolen the car, but at least you weren’t driving without a license.
BARTELL
It’s not my license. It says “Joe Paige.”
MADISON
Lemme see. Stupid 1940’s drivers’ license. There’s no picture. But the description: blue eyes, brown hair, five foot ten, 180, oh, hey, birthday June 3rd! You’re a Gemini!
BARTELL
That’s me. That’s me… exactly.
MADISON
Dude! Those hikers are getting into a fight!
BARTELL
But who is “Joe Paige”?
MADISON
The guy just pulled something out of his pocket. Ohmahgod! It’s a gun!
BARTELL
Is it a coincidence we look alike?
MADISON
He’s pointing the gun right at her!
BARTELL
Even the same birthday?
MADISON
He shot her!
BARTELL
I’m Harry Bartell. I know I’m Harry Bartell.
MADISON
No time for an existential crisis, here, Harry. We just witnessed a murder!
BARTELL
A murder? What are you talking about?
MADISON
The dude down there! He fired his gun and the woman is lying in the road!
BARTELL
It can’t be, it must be a gag of some kind.
MADISON
He’s picking her up. I bet he’s gonna dump the body in the stream!
BARTELL
Maybe I’m still drunk.
MADISON
Dude, what do we do?!
BARTELL
Ah!
MADISON
Why’d you honk the horn?!
BARTELL
I didn’t! You pushed my hand down on it!
MADISON
He sees us! He’s coming across the bridge!
BARTELL
Maybe he can help us figure out what’s going on.
MADISON
Dude! He knows we witnessed him murder somebody! He’s going to kill us, too! Start the car.
BARTELL
But it’s a stolen car.
MADISON
OHMAHGAWD, REALLY?!
BARTELL
It’s no use. He’ll be here before I can turn the car around.
MADISON
Then let me do it!
BARTELL
Madison! Get off me! Ah!
MADISON
We gotta get outta here!
BARTELL
We’ll duck into woods. Come on, quick! Let’s run!
MADISON
I’m in heels! I can’t run!
BARTELL
He’s heading straight for our car. He’s got a gun! He’s gonna kill us! Unless…
MADISON
Unless, what?
BARTELL
How did you survive being hit by that streetcar?
MADISON
What?
BARTELL
In San Francisco. I threw you in front of a streetcar.
MADISON
That’s right! You tried to kill me!
BARTELL
Never mind that, he’s shooting at us! We’ve gotta run for our lives. Here, take my hand!
MADISON
No way! You tried to kill me!
BARTELL
You’re going to have to trust me, or take your chances with that guy!
MADISON
So, what, “Come with me if you want to live… temporarily?!”
BARTELL
Come on!
SCENE TWO
MADISON
Sponsor-dude, I can’t go much farther.
BARTELL
We can’t stop. He’s close behind us.
MADISON
God, I hate being pursued. That’s why I never played tag as a kid. That and I was too busy trying to keep my Tamagotchi alive.
BARTELL
I saw headlights up ahead. Could be a road.
MADISON
Maybe I can just hide in a bush or something?
BARTELL
Madison, look! Through the trees. There is a road! Come on. One last sprint.
MADISON
Ugh. I’m not a sprinter. They always made us do that in gym class. So I’d fake having my period to get out of it. Eight straight months on my period, no questions asked. I think they were just happy I wasn’t pregnant.
BARTELL
Come on! Here’s the road.
MADISON
Is he still after us?
BARTELL
I don’t know. Let’s stop the first car that comes along.
MADISON
Oh, the first car? Ya sure? You don’t want to let four or five go by before we try to save our lives?
BARTELL
Why are you always so sarcastic?
MADISON
Because I’m good at it!
BARTELL
Here comes a car. I’ll stop it.
MADISON
It isn’t stopping.
BARTELL
Hey! Stop! Stop!
MADISON
Aaaaand… it’s gone.
BARTELL
Maybe I’ll push you in front of the next one. That’ll stop it.
MADISON
Not. Funny.
BARTELL
Look at that sign. It says “Pine Woods Cabins, two miles.”
MADISON
So?
BARTELL
So that’s where the receipt was from we found in the glove compartment.
MADISON
Do you prepose we walk two miles after just sprinting through the woods like a coupla deer on the first day of hunting season?
BARTELL
Unless you want to end up as venison.
MADISON
I knew a veterinarian who was a hunter. He’d save animals’ lives all week, and then gun ’em down on weekends. It’s like working for the EPA and then spending your days off dumping sewage into the ocean.
BARTELL
Let’s get walking.
MADISON
Do you think we lost him?
BARTELL
Maybe he gave up and went back to take care of the body.
MADISON
What if he goes through our car?
BARTELL
It wasn’t our car. He’ll find the marriage license for “Joe and Nancy Paige.”
MADISON
But your drivers’ license says you are Joe Paige. I guess that makes me Nancy? And we’re married? Eh.
BARTELL
Maybe we were killed by that streetcar and this is Hell.
MADISON
My personal Hell would involve this much walking.
BARTELL
I’m sure Pine Woods Cabins has a telephone and we can notify the police.
MADISON
He knows we saw his face. He’s not gonna want to leave witnesses.
BARTELL
Then maybe you need to walk a little faster.
MADISON
Can’t we try and get a ride? I’m willing to revisit that part about you pushing me in front of a car.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Uck. Are you sure we went up the right driveway?
BARTELL
Yes. I followed the signs for Pine Woods Cabins.
MADISON
With my luck we’re gonna end up at Camp Crystal Lake.
BARTELL
See that? A group of cabins.
MADISON
They’re all dark.
BARTELL
Everybody’s probably asleep.
MADISON
Yeah, what time is it? I have zero clue the time we zapped into.
BARTELL
What time does your watch say?
MADISON
I don’t wear a watch! I use a cellphone like civilized people.
BARTELL
Then what’s that on your wrist?
MADISON
A watch? Dude! I’m wearing a watch! I never wear a watch.
BARTELL
You might not, but “Nancy Paige” might.
MADISON
Oh, god! You think I’m wearing her underwear, too? Because this bra is diggin’ in a bit.
BARTELL
Look, in front of that cabin.
MADISON
That’s the car we were in, isn’t it? Somebody drove our car all the way back here and we had to walk?!
BARTELL
The only person out there that could’ve driven it was the murderer.
MADISON
Well, if we were both goin’ the same direction, he could’ve given us a ride.
BARTELL
He must have come here by another road to wait for us.
MADISON
Oh… wait for us like, to kill us?
BARTELL
I highly doubt he was just being a Good Samaritan.
MADISON
Maybe he’s in the car. Go and look.
BARTELL
Why do I have to go and look?
MADISON
Because you tried to kill me in San Francisco and he’s trying to kill me in… wherever the heck we are. I don’t trust either one of you.
BARTELL
You know, my trying to kill you wasn’t without provocation!
MADISON
Or without a ton of hard liquor.
BARTELL
Ever since you started housesitting for Dr. Watson you’ve given me grief!
MADISON
We’re really having this discussion now? With a murderer probably hiding in that car?
BARTELL
I don’t know. Maybe he’s only after you. How many other shows have you visited and made the sponsors miserable?
MADISON
Like I have time to sit here and list all the people who want me dead.
BARTELL
Quiet! A light just went on in the cabin behind us. You’re waking everyone up!
MADISON
Fine. Then let’s continue this in our cabin.
BARTELL
“Our” cabin? That’s not our cabin. We don’t have a cabin.
MADISON
Okay, then Joe and Nancy’s cabin.
BARTELL
How do you propose we get inside?
MADISON
With the key, duh.
BARTELL
Where’d you get that key?
MADISON
In my pocket! I dunno. How’d I get this watch?
BARTELL
Don’t go in there! What if the murderer is in the cabin?
MADISON
What, suddenly you care if I get killed?
BARTELL
I care if I get killed.
MADISON
Helloooo? Is there a murderer in here?
BARTELL
Where’s the light switch?
MADISON
Oh! Well, no murderer in here.
BARTELL
No… just a dead body on the bed.
MADISON
And dead deer heads on the walls. Is the concept of “getting back to nature” to remind us that we can destroy it whenever we want?
SCENE FOUR
HOST
Well, well, imagine coming back to your rental cabin and finding a corpse on your bed. It is terribly impolite to check out before… checking out.
MARY
I feel sorry for poor Madison and that Mr. Bartell.
HOST
You even feel sorry for Harry Bartell? After he pushed Madison in front of that streetcar?
MARY
He was drunk at the time. And sometimes when you’re intoxicated, well, you do things out of character.
HOST
You sound like you speak from experience, Mary.
MARY
When a housewife is stuck at home alone all day with nothing but chores to do, she enjoys a tall cool glass of Lipton’s Long Island iced tea.
HOST
She does, does she, Mary?
MARY
Oh, indeed! Why, Lipton’s brisk flavor — with a little vodka, gin, rum and tequila — makes the doldrums of housewife servitude just… fly by!
HOST
Mary… have you had one of those Lipton Long Island iced teas this afternoon?
MARY
Of course! Why else do you think it’s called “high” tea?
HOST
Well, while Mary enjoys her Lipton’s little helper–
MARY
Lipton’s needs all the help it can get. The fact that Americans think Lipton’s is the pinnacle of tea, explains why they eat everything deep fried!
HOST
Ah, well, before we lose our sponsorship from Lipton’s, let’s get back to that cabin and see how Joe and Nancy–
MARY
Harry and Madison!
HOST
Uh, yes. How they are getting along with their uninvited visitor.
MARY
You know, Mr. Host, you’re kinda cute.
HOST
Uh… Thank you, Mary. Now, I wonder what Madison and Harry are going to do with the — Ah! Mary! Please don’t touch my… microphone!
MARY
Brisk flavor! Brisk!
BARTELL
We have to think this over. We’re in a jam here.
MADISON
Eh. He shot her in the face. I don’t think I’ll ever eat pizza again.
BARTELL
Then don’t look at it!
MADISON
Why’d he leave her here? Is he trying to frame us?
BARTELL
Of course he is! The cops will never believe our story. Now they’ll think we killed her.
MADISON
What about the blood trail? I mean, uck, the head bleeds like a chocolate wedding fountain.
BARTELL
The trail will lead to our stolen car!
MADISON
Wait a minute, though. The car isn’t stolen. It belongs to Joe and Nancy Paige… who are us.
BARTELL
Oh, well, then no felony car theft charges, just a little first degree murder.
MADISON
Okay, hang on, hang on. I’ve been listening to true crime podcasts for years preparing me for just this situation.
BARTELL
What are you talking about?
MADISON
In my day, white women love to listen to stories about true crime. Serial killers, rapists, that kinda thing.
BARTELL
For entertainment?
MADISON
Yeah.
BARTELL
Well, that clears up some things about you.
MADISON
Shut it. We do it because we identify with the victims, right? ‘Cause they’re usually white women.
BARTELL
The body on the bed upholds your theory.
MADISON
Exactly! But we also listen to true crime stories to find out where the killers went wrong.
BARTELL
Went wrong?
MADISON
Slipped up. Got caught. O.M.G. every woman who listens to true crime has her own sure-fire method for disposing of a body.
BARTELL
You have a sure-fire method?
MADISON
Couple of ’em, actually. But I’m not sure where we can get a pig.
BARTELL
Pig?
MADISON
They can eat and digest an entire human body, bones and all. Five pigs can get it done in like, ten minutes.
BARTELL
Ohmygod, I think I’m gonna be sick. It’s the cops!
MADISON
Cover the body!
BARTELL
What good is that gonna do?
MADISON
If we don’t give our consent to search and they don’t have a warrant, they have to abide by the laws of the strip club.
BARTELL
Laws of the… strip club?
MADISON
Looky, no touchy. Throw a blanket over the body!
BARTELL
All right!
MADISON
Who is it? What are you doing? You act like you’ve never had to hide evidence from the cops before.
BARTELL
I can’t find a blanket in the dresser!
MADISON
Use the one on the bed!
BARTELL
Oh, right, yes.
MRS. SWENSON
Mr. and Mrs. Paige? It’s Mrs. Swenson.
MADISON
It’s Mrs. Swenson. Who’s Mrs. Swenson?
BARTELL
How should I know?!
MRS. SWENSON
I heard you. I know you’re awake!
MADISON
Is the body covered?
BARTELL
The blanket’s too short!
MADISON
Uh, just a minute, Mrs. Swenson!
BARTELL
Her feet are sticking out!
MADISON
There’s a suitcase! There’s probably some clothes in there. Throw them on top of her!
BARTELL
Right!
MRS. SWENSON
I don’t mean to disturb you!
BARTELL
That’s the best I can do.
MADISON
You suck at this. Did your parents never come home early so you had to hide your half-naked boyfriend?
BARTELL
I’ll, uh, sit on the bed in front of her feet.
MADISON
If we get caught, it’s on you. Hello, Mrs. Swanson.
MRS. SWENSON
It’s, uh… “Swenson.”
MADISON
It’s not polite to correct people.
MRS. SWENSON
Oh, I’m terribly sorry, Mrs. Paige. I, uh, hope I’m not intruding. I heard voices out front and saw your light, so I knew you weren’t asleep yet.
BARTELL
We were just going to sleep, weren’t we, Madison?
MADISON
Yeah.
MRS. SWENSON
Madison? I thought your name was Nancy.
MADISON
It’s not polite to correct people!
MRS. SWENSON
Oh, dear, my apologies!
MADISON
Is there something you wanted Mrs. Switzer?
MRS. SWENSON
Swit–? Oh, um, yes. I brought you a jug of my own homemade apple cider. I’ll put it right here, and some glasses, too.
BARTELL
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Swenson. That’s awfully, nice of you.
MRS. SWENSON
Not at all! I wanted to do it earlier, but my heart was bothering me. I have a bad heart, you know.
BARTELL
I’m awfully sorry to hear that Mrs. Swenson. Well, thank you. Thank you for everything. Good night!
MRS. SWENSON
It’s so nice to have a honeymoon couple staying here.
MADISON
So, you know we’re a honeymoon couple?
MRS. SWENSON
Well, of course. You told me when you registered this afternoon.
MADISON
You get a lotta honeymoon couples up here?
MRS. SWENSON
Oh, yes, actually. Newlyweds seem to enjoy the peace and quiet.
MADISON
And you think it’s a good thing to barge in on a newly married couple on a honeymoon in the middle of the night?
MRS. SWENSON
Well, your light was on–
MADISON
What do newly married couples on a honeymoon usually do in the middle of the night? Go on. Wild guess.
MRS. SWENSON
Oh, um, aren’t you going to try my cider? I thought you’d like to drink it cold.
MADISON
What do you think I want to be doing right now with my husband, Harry?
BARTELL
Joe!
MADISON
It is not polite to correct people!
MRS. SWENSON
I thought–
MADISON
Harry-Joe and I want to have sex, Mrs. Swinton!
BARTELL
We really don’t.
MADISON
Shut it. We want to take our honeymoon bed for a ride.
MRS. SWENSON
Oh?
MADISON
Oh, yeah. We want the mattress springs to sing.
BARTELL
Madison! Eh, Nancy! Don’t, uh, stand on the bed!
MADISON
We’re gonna rock it in the free world!
BARTELL
Madison! Stop!
MADISON
Oh… crap.
MRS. SWENSON
What’s… what’s that?
BARTELL
We can explain everything, Mrs. Swenson!
MRS. SWENSON
Shot. She’s been shot in the face. Murdered!
MADISON
I’ve been told I take things too far. This might be an example of one of those times.
MRS. SWENSON
Murdered! You… You’re no honeymooners! You’re murderers!
BARTELL
Stop! Please, shut up! Please? Madison! You’re smothering her!
MADISON
I’m trying shut her up!
BARTELL
But you’re hurting her!
MADISON
It’s okay. One of my sorority sisters would totally lose it when she did too many shots. So to make sure the housemother didn’t hear us breaking curfew, I’d use this wrestling hold I learned from this frat guy. Always works. There we go. Out like a light. Now she’ll sleep through to breakfast.
BARTELL
I… I don’t know. She just went limp and slid down on the floor. Mrs. Swenson? Mrs. Swenson, are you all right?
MADISON
She’s out cold.
BARTELL
She’s out dead.
MADISON
Dead?
BARTELL
You killed her. You smothered her to death!
MADISON
Huh. Well, that’s never happened before.
BARTELL
You’re a murderer!
MADISON
Yeah, well, you attempted murder on me!
BARTELL
But you’re alive! Oh, but what does it matter? I’ll go to the electric chair right along side you.
MADISON
You, will? That is the sweetest– No guy has ever said that to me.
BARTELL
You’re a very sick person.
MADISON
I’ve heard that a lot.
BARTELL
Oh! We’re doomed!
MADISON
Slow down! Don’t make reservations with Ol’ Sparky just yet.
BARTELL
What are you talking about?
MADISON
We’re gettin’ outta here.
BARTELL
Maybe we should phone the police. I mean, you didn’t intend to kill Mrs. Swenson… did you?
MADISON
Uh, no!
BARTELL
So it was an accident. Oh, but how will we ever prove we didn’t kill the other one, too? We’ll never be able to find that guy from the bridge. The cops will pin the rap on us.
MADISON
Exactly why you need to get your ass up and get packing.
BARTELL
Packing?
MADISON
Yeah, Joe Paige. We gotta clear all these personal things outta here so it doesn’t lead back to us! Oh, gross. Faceless over here bled all over the clothes.
BARTELL
I’ll, uh… make sure there’s nothing in the drawers.
MADISON
Stop touching everything! Geez! You’re like a two year old with frosting on his fingers.
BARTELL
What?
MADISON
Fingerprints? Make sure you wipe down everything you touch. You guys in the past have it so easy. Try doing all this and getting rid of DNA evidence.
BARTELL
I’ll get a towel from the bathroom.
MADISON
Okay, I think everything’s packed. Nothing under the bed, nothing on the nightstand. All right. Just two dead bodies.
BARTELL
I got all the effects from the bathroom and wiped down the surfaces.
MADISON
Great.
BARTELL
I found a beard trimmer. I think Joe is supposed to have a beard.
MADISON
Ya know, you’d look good with a beard.
BARTELL
Oh. Thank you.
MADISON
Now, let’s get outta here.
BARTELL
Where are we gonna go?
MADISON
Away. As far away as a gas guzzling 1940’s sedan can take us.
BARTELL
You know, I didn’t really mean to kill you. I… I was drunk…
MADISON
Oh, forget it. No worries. You should see the lives I’ve ruined when I was drunk.
BARTELL
Still. I don’t hate you. Entirely.
MADISON
I never thought you hated me. Of course, I got death threats for a year that all started “I hate you, Madison” and I just took that to mean the guy had a crush on me.
BARTELL
You are sick.
MADISON
Or, I choose to see the good in stalkers.
SCENE FIVE
BARTELL
How long have we been driving? What time is it?
MADISON
How should I– oh, right, the watch. Lemme look. Mmmm. Big hand is on the one…
BARTELL
You can’t read a watch?
MADISON
Not an analog one. Just as generations before me embraced the innovation of the fork, I embrace digital.
BARTELL
You always say strange things like that. Like “digital.”
MADISON
Because I’m from the future. But nobody in these old timey shows seems to care. They just blow me off.
BARTELL
Everyone disregards you?
MADISON
Yeah, but I get the same attitudes from people back home, too. Being treated like a dumb blonde apparently transcends decades.
BARTELL
Have I… well, have I ever…?
MADISON
Sure. I mean, when we first met I was a little hopped up on caffeine. Do you remember? But you didn’t want to talk to me anyway. You wanted to talk to Dr. Watson, not some dumb blonde girl. I get it.
BARTELL
I… I’m sorry about that.
MADISON
No biggie. I’m used to it.
BARTELL
If you’re really from the future, how did you get here?
MADISON
Unclear. I go with I was “zapped” by “freaky-deaky science stuff.”
BARTELL
And that’s how we ended up here? In this show?
MADISON
Well, that is a little weird. I’ve never zapped with someone else before. Usually it’s the end of an episode and “zap!” a month later I show up in a different show. A coupla times it saved my life!
BARTELL
How do you mean?
MADISON
Well, like this one time Martians were blowing up New York City and then “zap!” it’s Christmas and I’m in a department store with Candy Matson.
BARTELL
So you… “zapped” away before you were killed?
MADISON
Yeah.
BARTELL
And so when I pushed you in front of that streetcar…
MADISON
Zap.
BARTELL
Zap.
MADISON
Hey, if you’re cool with it, I’m gonna try and get some sleep. Almost being murdered, then witnessing a murder, then actually murdering someone, I’m ex-hausted.
BARTELL
I’m tired, too. I don’t think I can drive anymore.
MADISON
There’s an empty driveway you can pull into.
BARTELL
Oh, yeah, looks like a gas station closed for the night.
MADISON
Closed? How do you people function without twenty-four hour gas stations? Or taco stands. The past seriously does not support the active alcoholic lifestyle.
BARTELL
Twenty-four hours? In the future places will be open twenty-four hours?
MADISON
And there’ll be electric cars. Still no flying cars, though. Drones. Mostly used for dropping bombs or filming lame aerial videos.
BARTELL
I wish I could sleep. I wish I could sleep a hundred years until the time you’re from.
MADISON
Uh, not a hundred. Seventy-ish. About the time when these scripts became public domain.
BARTELL
Ah.
MADISON
Here, put your head on my shoulder.
BARTELL
Really?
MADISON
Sure. C’mon, bring it in.
BARTELL
Thank you.
MADISON
Good night, sponsor-dude.
BARTELL
Good night, Madison.
SCENE SIX
MADISON
(sneeze)
BARTELL
Oh, it’s day light. What are you looking for in the glove compartment?
MADISON
Napkins. I just sneezed and I got a booger situation here.
BARTELL
Use my handkerchief.
MADISON
You want my snot in your handkerchief?
BARTELL
You need it, don’t you?
MADISON
Thanks.
BARTELL
Must be around six in the morning. Of course, we don’t even know what day it is.
MADISON
It’d be on that marriage certificate, wouldn’t it? I mean, if Mrs. Sweeney–
BARTELL
Swenson.
MADISON
The dead old lady — was right, Joe and Nancy told her they were married yesterday.
BARTELL
Yes, that’s a good point.
MADISON
The marriage license isn’t in here, though. I remember putting it back.
BARTELL
The murderer. He took it.
MADISON
Why would he take a marriage license?
BARTELL
He’d have our names. Well, Joe and Nancy’s names.
MADISON
And that receipt from the cabin, that’s how he knew where we — they — were staying.
BARTELL
He knows everything about us — them. It doesn’t matter how far we run away. He knows who we are. We’ll always be at his mercy.
MADISON
Well, that sucks.
BARTELL
What’s happened before when you’ve… “zapped” and become someone else?
MADISON
Oh. Uh… that only happened one other time. I was the Green Hornet.
BARTELL
Okay, then, how did you get your identity back?
MADISON
The actual Green Hornet showed up, so I was like… “peace out.”
BARTELL
Well, that doesn’t help us, does it? We’re back where we were last night in the same jam. Nothing’s changed. Murderer chasing us and two corpses still in the cabin. What’ll we do?
MADISON
Breakfast?
BARTELL
You’re actually hungry?
MADISON
I could eat.
BARTELL
My stomach’s in knots.
MADISON
You worry too much, sponsor-dude.
BARTELL
Could you… could you please call me “Harry.”
MADISON
Sorry. I tend to make up nicknames for people I like. Of course, you should hear the nicknames I call my cat. I don’t think he’s heard his real name since the day I brought him home.
BARTELL
People you… like?
MADISON
Yeah.
BARTELL
Oh. Say, I am getting a little hungry. Let’s see if we can find a diner.
MADISON
Ya know, diners in the future are twenty-four hours, too.
BARTELL
Really?
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
Look, comin’ up. There’s a diner.
BARTELL
I feel like I haven’t eaten in months.
MADISON
I know, right? Time travel will do that to ya.
BARTELL
Oh, we’ve time traveled as well?
MADISON
Sure. Let’s see, “The Casebook of Gregory Hood” episode came out in 1946, and this “Inner Sanctum” was 1945. Hey, you went back in time! We gotta get you back… to the future!
BARTELL
Okay.
MADISON
I guess you aren’t ready for that. But your kids are gonna love it.
BARTELL
I wonder if there’s an alarm out for us yet.
MADISON
A bolo? Be-on-the-look-out? I haven’t been on a bolo since that diamond smuggling ring.
BARTELL
Diamond smuggling ring? Was that another radio program you zapped into?
MADISON
Nah, just high school.
BARTELL
No other customers inside. That’s good.
WAITRESS
Good morning! You been travelin’ all night?
BARTELL
Yeah, yeah, all night. Uh, some scrambled eggs, please.
WAITRESS
Right, it’ll take a few minutes.
MADISON
I’ll have a small cup of coffee, a small hot chocolate, and one big empty mug.
WAITRESS
Well, now, that’s a… uh… unusual order.
MADISON
Hey, I coulda blown your mind ordering gluten free avocado toast and vegan bacon, but I kept it simple.
WAITRESS
While I get your orders, I’ll… turn the radio up for you.
BARTELL
What was that you ordered?
MADISON
It’s the closest I can come to getting a mocha latte in the 1940s. I mix the coffee and the hot chocolate together.
BARTELL
Mocha… latte?
MADISON
Oh… You just wait till the coffee revolution. You will never know a day uncaffeinated.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
–And moving to local news, during the night, death came to Mrs. Hannah Swenson, whose tourist cabins are located on the Bay Park Highway. Right off Route 27.
MADISON
Sponsor-dude!!
BARTELL
Yeah, I hear it.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
Mrs. Swenson’s body was discovered by Oscar Peters, the handyman, who was awakened by the sound of a car driving away from one of the cabins. Investigating, he found Mrs. Swenson lying on the floor of cabin three. Dr. Macklin, who was summoned immediately, announced that Mrs. Swenson had died of a heart attack. He had been treating her for a severe heart ailment.
BARTELL
Heart attack!
MADISON
See! Told you I didn’t kill her.
BARTELL
Well, your putting her in a headlock might’ve stressed her heart, causing it to give out and–
MADISON
I heard “natural causes.” Which means no homicide investigation. Boo-yah!
BARTELL
They didn’t say anything about the other body.
RADIO ANNOUNCER
The state police are anxious to contact a couple driving the car Peters had spotted. It is a blue four door sedan, license number
8-N-1-6-3-7. Their names are not known as yet. But if they should hear this broadcast, they are requested to call at the state police barracks as soon as possible.
BARTELL
Let’s get out of here, Madison.
MADISON
I haven’t gotten my coffee yet! And trust me, you want me to have my coffee. Really, it’s a safety precaution for you.
BARTELL
We need to keep moving.
MADISON
All they want us for is questioning. First time around, you just lay on a bunch of denials. That buys you time while the cops try to sift through your B.S.
BARTELL
It’s a trap, Madison. Don’t you get it? They’re keeping mum about the girl’s body. We have to go.
WAITRESS
Say, what about your eggs?
BARTELL
Uh… We can’t wait. We’re in a hurry!
MADISON
Can I get my coffee to go?
WAITRESS
Oh, uh–
BARTELL
Madison!
MADISON
Sorry. This is his first murder. God! Will you slow down? It’s not a trap, Admiral Ackbar!
BARTELL
How do you know?
MADISON
I was trapped by the police once. I had a suspended drivers’ license and got this notice in the mail that if I went down to this office, I could redeem a certificate for a free boat. So I show up and they’re all like, “Did you drive to get here?” And I’m like, “I took an Uber.” And they’re like, “But we saw you get out of the driver’s side of that car.” And I’m like, “Yeah. I’m an Uber Driver.”
BARTELL
Just get in the car!
MADISON
Maybe the murderer came back and got rid of the body.
BARTELL
I don’t like it. I want to get away from here. Far away.
MADISON
Too late.
BARTELL
It’s a State Trooper! What do we do?!
MADISON
I dunno. In this tank of a car we couldn’t outrun a meter maid.
BARTELL
He’s coming right over here!
MADISON
Well, duh, the cops got our license plate number.
BARTELL
What… what do we say to him?!
MADISON
Aw, sponsor-dude, you’re so gonna give us up the second you roll down the window, aren’t you?
BARTELL
Unless we… “zap”?
MADISON
Doubtful. Story isn’t resolved yet.
BARTELL
What if I drove the car into a tree and killed us?
MADISON
Gimme the keys.
BARTELL
But–!
MADISON
Keys.
BARTELL
Here.
TROOPER
Whoa! Lose your keys there, Miss?
MADISON
Friends don’t let friends drive stupid.
TROOPER
Can I have your names, please?
BARTELL
Well… um…
TROOPER
Having trouble remembering your name?
MADISON
It’s complicated. Right now, chances are we’re not wearing our own underwear.
TROOPER
Step out of the vehicle, please. Both of you. Slowly.
MADISON
Hey, it’s been a while since I did this sober.
TROOPER
License, please.
BARTELL
Here you are, officer.
MADISON
Want me to walk a straight line? Touch my fingers to my nose?
TROOPER
Just… stand still.
MADISON
I can’t do the backwards alphabet, though. I get the alphabet song — A-B-C-D — ya know, stuck in my head and then I just can’t go in reverse.
TROOPER
License says, “Joe Paige.”
BARTELL
Yes, that’s what it says.
TROOPER
And you, lady?
MADISON
No license but, this is Nancy Paige’s watch.
TROOPER
Uh-huh. How’d you come to be in possession of this vehicle?
BARTELL
It is stolen!
MADISON
I knew you’d blow it!
BARTELL
Please, officer! I didn’t kill anyone! She did!
MADISON
Natural Causes!!!
TROOPER
Now, now! Both of you calm down! You’re not being accused of anything.
BARTELL
We’re not?
TROOPER
No. In fact, that was some pretty quick thinking on your part.
BARTELL
Killing the old woman?
TROOPER
“Old woman”? Oh, you mean Mrs. Swenson? Doc says she died from a weak heart. Can’t blame her, walkin’ in to find that body in the cabin.
BARTELL
You know about the body?
TROOPER
I know it’s the body of Mrs. Joseph Paige.
MADISON
Mrs. Joseph… that was Nancy Paige?
TROOPER
Yup. Shot to death by her new husband, Joe.
MADISON
So you killed her!
BARTELL
I’m not Joe Paige!
TROOPER
No, but you’re a dead ringer. Pardon the expression. Yeah, the two of you could pass for that couple easy.
MADISON
You think I look like Nancy? I only saw her without a face.
BARTELL
You… you said it was “quick thinking” on our part?
TROOPER
Yeah. Jumpin’ into the Paige’s car and gettin’ outta there. Paige saw you and was waitin’ for ya.
MADISON
The killer was there the whole time?!
TROOPER
Mrs. Swenson probably saved your lives knockin’ on the door like that. Poor old woman.
MADISON
Yeah! Poor old woman!
BARTELL
How did you know the killer was there?
TROOPER
Well, see, one of our men happened to be cruising down by the old mill stream last night. He saw a fella on the bridge carrying a girl’s body to this car and followed him back to Pine Woods Cabins.
BARTELL
That must’ve been after we ran off.
TROOPER
Our man watched him carry the body of Mrs. Paige into the cabin and was just about to make a move on Paige when you two showed up. Paige hid in the bushes watching you, and our man hid in the bushes watching Paige.
MADISON
How did we not know those guys were there? After that peeping Tom incident at Sea World, I thought I had better instincts than that.
BARTELL
Sea World?
MADISON
The glass in those tanks is not one way.
TROOPER
Well, according to our officer, it seems you two were arguing as you walked up to the cabin.
MADISON
So it was your fault!
BARTELL
Ow! Hey!
TROOPER
Sorry you two young folks got wrapped up in all of this. We’ve been lookin’ for you to come in and make a statement. Just go down to the state police barracks and then you can be on your way.
BARTELL
On our way? We’re free to go?
TROOPER
Well, not in this car, of course. We have to impound it. Say, where is your car? How did you come to be at Pine Woods Cabins in the first place?
MADISON
Well… uh…
BARTELL
Freaky-deaky science stuff!
MADISON
Yeah! What he said!
TROOPER
Ah. All right. Well, when I radio for this car to be picked up, I’ll make sure to send out a taxi, too.
BARTELL
Thank you, officer! Thank you so much!
TROOPER
Have a good day now.
BARTELL
So we’re not Joe and Nancy Paige?
MADISON
Apparently never were.
BARTELL
And the murderer was caught.
MADISON
Yup.
BARTELL
Does that mean… the story is over?
MADISON
Seems like a pretty solid resolution.
BARTELL
Then… do we… “zap?”
MADISON
Haven’t yet. Why don’t we get some breakfast?
BARTELL
You know, Madison, I think that’s a great idea.
MADISON
C’mon, sponsor-dude, you’re buyin’.
BARTELL
Not a problem. I still have Joe’s wallet.
MADISON
How much you think I can get for Nancy’s watch?
SCENE EIGHT
HOST
Say, what’s going on here? Two lousy murders and a happy ending? I was hoping Harry and Madison would end up in a cell with a warden asking them what they wanted for their last meal. And what do I get instead? Breakfast. Bah.
MARY
I thought you might like a happy ending.
HOST
Mary! You mean you tampered with tonight’s story?
MARY
I’m not talking about the… story.
HOST
Oh! Mary! This… this is not behavior becoming of Lipton Tea spokeswoman!
MARY
Sure it is! In fact, come back to my place and together, we can do some… tea bagging…
HOST
I believe this might be the most frightening ending to “Inner Sanctum” yet!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Inner Sanctum,” also known as “Inner Sanctum Mystery,” ran from January 1941 to October of 1952 and was based on the Simon and Schuster publication which premiered in 1930. The series mixed horror and humor, both in content and with its host and cheerful Lipton Tea spokeswoman. The show opened and closed each episode with the sound of a creaking door. But fun fact! The first time the show aired, the sound man couldn’t get the prop door to squeak! Thinking quickly, he sat and turned in a squeaky chair and that chair was used from then on out. Until one episode when a staffer had innocently oiled the chair, forcing the sound man to make the squeaking noise that night with his mouth. The series featured great names in horror such as Peter Lorre, Bella Lugosi, Boris Karloff and many more. It would go on to films and TV, as well as being the inspiration for the 1970’s old timey radio reboot, “The CBS Radio Mystery Theater.”