MADISON ON THE AIR: HOT COPY “THE WEED OF VIOLENCE”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: OCT 2024

DON’T READ THIS YET! The script is way funnier when performed by the cast.

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
“Hot Copy” is the absorbing story of a young newspaper woman, Ann Rogers, a smart, attractive girl with a nationally syndicated column, “Second Glance,” in which she covers many events which other, less courageous reporters, would be afraid to touch. Her stories, in the words of her adventurous profession, are always “Hot Copy!”

BLACKY
Yeah? Who is it?

MADISON
Blacky, dude, open up.

BLACKY
Okay, wait a sec. Hello, girlie. Anybody see you come here?

MADISON
Oh, don’t worry. I took two cross town buses, one cab going North, then another cab going South, and then I walked the last mile to make sure no one was tailing me.

BLACKY
Smart. I like that.

MADISON
Dude, I’m kidding. That’s my car out front.

BLACKY
Ya gotta be careful in this game, Madison!

MADISON
You been smokin’ your own product? Because, that’s paranoia with a plosive “P.”

BLACKY
Just get inside. It ain’t paranoid to be cautious. Which is why I told you to use the password whenever you knock on the door.

MADISON
Do you know how many passwords I have to remember on a daily basis? I’ve reset my password so many times, my first pet’s name has lost all meaning.

BLACKY
Look, I got cops and G-men both to think about. I can’t take no chances on openin’ doors to guys that don’t know the score, see?

MADISON
Fine. What’s the password then? I’ll save it in my phone.

BLACKY
“Gimme buttered bread, hold the jam.”

MADISON
Okay, are there any capitals in that?

BLACKY
Capitals?

MADISON
Punctuation?

BLACKY
What?

MADISON
Numbers? Symbols? It’s long, but I still think it’s a weak password.

BLACKY
Never mind, never mind. Look, what’re ya here for?

MADISON
A dime bag.

BLACKY
A what?

MADISON
A dime bag.

BLACKY
Madison! I’m tired of tellin’ ya to use the right signals!

MADISON
Look, dude, I’m used to walking in a dispensary and getting what I need. With really friendly service, I might add. I’m sick of jumpin’ through hoops for you. Especially since your stuff is mostly stems and seeds.

BLACKY
Then you don’t need to buy from me.

MADISON
Apparently I do, because it’s not legal in the past.

BLACKY
Then since I’m your only option, I think you might wanna start playin’ by my rules.

MADISON
What I have to go through just to take the edge off in these old timey radio shows. Fine. What am I supposed to say?

BLACKY
You ask for a pack a “hot smokes.” Got it?

MADISON
“Blacky, may I have a pack of hot smokes? Pretty please?”

BLACKY
Maybe try it again, but lose the attitude.

MADISON
The pot is how I lose the attitude.

BLACKY
All right, then, here ya are. A pack a nice fresh weed. Just rolled ’em this mornin’.

MADISON
Oh. Joints?

BLACKY
What you got against reefer cigarettes?

MADISON
I prefer using a bong. Better on the throat. People already say my voice is annoying. Could you imagine if it was also raspy? Hey, everybody, it’s Madison!

BLACKY
I get your point. But it’s this or nothin’.

MADISON
Okay. Here’s your five bucks. At least the price is right, 1944.

BLACKY
Hold it, girlie. That ain’t right. You owe me another five.

MADISON
You doubled the price?!

BLACKY
What’s the matter? Don’t you know there’s a war goin’ on? This stuff’s hard to get nowadays.

MADISON
Grow it in your closet like every college kid.

BLACKY
Ten bucks or you better give ’em back.

MADISON
Typical drug dealer. Get ’em hooked on the product then jack up the price.

BLACKY
I find the system works.

MADISON
You watch it, or I might just go back to cheap booze.

BLACKY
I’ll take my chances.

MADISON
Fine. Here’s five more.

BLACKY
Now, remember to follow directions next time or this’ll be your last pack. Ya hearin’ me?

MADISON
One sec, one sec. Duuuuude….

BLACKY
Well?

MADISON
Copacetic.

SCENE TWO

COLLINS
Well, Anne, how do you like consorting with the younger set?

ANNE
You mean very younger set, don’t you, Inspector Collins? These boys and girls can’t be more than mere high school kids.

COLLINS
That’s exactly what they are, Anne. There’s the high school across the street.

ANNE
But why did you bring me to this sweet shop, Inspector?

COLLINS
Well, you said you were interested in the Harrison case for your column.

ANNE
Harrison? Oh, yes. You mean the girl who got into that scandal and then committed suicide?

COLLINS
That’s right. The trail starts here. Harrison was a student at the school. Only a junior, sixteen years old. But somewhere around here began the vicious trail that led to her ultimate downfall.

FLANNIGAN
My, my! I haven’t been in a place like this in years!

COLLINS
More years than you’d care to remember, eh, Sergeant Flannigan?

FLANNIGAN
And just for that remark, you can get your own chocolate ice-cream soda.

ANNE
Come on, you, two. You don’t want the kids to think you’re — “drips”, do you?

COLLINS
All right, all right. I’ll get the sodas. Flannigan, you fill Anne in on the details.

ANNE
Make mine strawberry. And don’t forget the whipped cream. That is, if you’re paying, Inspector.

COLLINS
Do I have a choice?

ANNE
In all seriousness, Sergeant Flannigan, tell me more about the Harrison girl.

FLANNIGAN
Well, you’ve heard the medical report. But you know why she acted as she did, don’t you? Marijuana.

ANNE
Marijuana?

FLANNIGAN
Yes, she was… well… temporarily insane.

ANNE
Marijuana. Isn’t that a drug — a narcotic?

FLANNIGAN
It tis. And very dangerous. Once under its influence, common sense and moral standards, logic and reason simply — cease to exist!

COLLINS
Here’s the sodas.

ANNE
Oh, thank you, Inspector.

FLANNIGAN
Say! Where’s my whipped cream?

COLLINS
Perhaps you’d like to explain to our Captain how you cost the department an extra five cents?

FLANNIGAN
Five cents! After years of service?

ANNE
So, Inspector, is it believed that the Harrison girl smoked marijuana?

COLLINS
Exactly. It made her do things she subsequently regretted. Things that later caused her to take her own life.

ANNE
And you’ve traced Harrison’s addiction back to this campus, is that it?

FLANNIGAN
Teen-agers affording marijuana and our department can’t spring for a measly five cents worth of whipped cream.

BILL
So you don’t love me, is that it? Very well! I know when to bow out gracefully! I don’t need a walking ticket. I know when I’m finished!

COLLINS
Listen! That youngster over there. That nice looking kid.

ANNE
What’s wrong with him?

BILL
I don’t have to stay around here where I’m not wanted!

COLLINS
If I’m not mistaken, there’s another sample of what marijuana does to a youngster.

BILL
I’ll show you! I’ll join the Army! Sure, that’s what I’ll do! Or the Navy! Maybe the Marines! I’ll show you all!!

MADISON
Oh, shut the muther F up!

ANNE
Is that girl with him?

MADISON
You’re only sixteen! You can’t join anything. Just sit your ass down!

FLANNIGAN
She’s got a mouth on her, all right!

BILL
Sit down, nothing! I’ll show every last one of you!!!

MADISON
Hey! Stay away from my car!

COLLINS
Come on, Anne!

ANNE
Where are we going?

COLLINS
After that crazy kid! He doesn’t know where he is or what he’s doing! Hurry!

ANNE
Flannigan? Aren’t you coming?

FLANNIGAN
My ice-cream soda will melt!

COLLINS
Flannigan! I’ll buy you another one! Come on!

FLANNIGAN
With whipped cream this time?

ANNE
I’ll give you the nickel! Let’s go!

MADISON
Phil! Be careful!!

BILL
My name is Bill!

MADISON
Whatever! Just don’t scratch my car!

COLLINS
Hurry, Anne, that kid’s not safe in his condition!

ANNE
He’s certainly not safe running across traffic like that, Inspector!

FLANNIGAN
Phil!! Phil!!!

BILL
My name is Bill!

ANNE
Flannigan!

FLANNIGAN
I was tryin’ tah help!

COLLINS
Hey! Look out, youngster!

FLANNIGAN
Oh, I suppose callin’ him “youngster” is better?

ANNE
He’s been hit! That car hit him!

COLLINS
Miss! Are you all right?

MADISON
That idiot scratched my hood!

SCENE THREE

MADISON It was all my fault.

ANNE
No, hush. It wasn’t your fault at all. He didn’t know what he was doing.

MADISON
Man. I’ve had some bad breakups in my day. Like this one time I broke up with a guy at the zoo. He was so upset he said he was gonna climb into the lion’s habitat. But he couldn’t get over the fence. They ended up arresting him in the flamingo pond.

ANNE
Look, here comes the inspector now. Hopefully he has some news. Well, Inspector?

COLLINS
No, Anne.

ANNE
You mean he’s…?

MADISON
Dead?

COLLINS
Uh… yes. On the operating table. He never came out from under the ether.

ANNE
The poor boy.

MADISON
At least he doesn’t smell like krill.

ANNE
Then there’s nothing more we can do, Inspector.

COLLINS
Yes, there is something more we can do. We can find the dirty scoundrel who sold him that stuff! That stuff that made a temporary madman out of a nice clean youngster with everything in life to live for! And we can slap that rat behind prison bars!

MADISON
Stuff? What stuff?

COLLINS
Wait a minute. You were his girl, weren’t you?

MADISON
Yeah, sorta, I guess. We broke up.

COLLINS
Then he told you things, didn’t he? Even things he didn’t tell his mother and dad?

MADISON
Uh, yeah. I mean, it’d be pretty sick if he told his mom about what we did in the back of my car.

COLLINS
You knew Bill sometimes smoked marijuana, didn’t you?

MADISON
Mari… Uh… whatd’ya mean?

ANNE
Cigarettes, dear, the unusual kind.

MADISON
Oh. Is that what those were? They sure smelled… peculiar.

COLLINS
Yes, now think carefully, did he ever tell you where he got those cigarettes?

MADISON
Nope! No clue! Never mentioned it.

ANNE
Are you sure? Think again.

MADISON
You want to take down his dealer?

COLLINS
That boy just died from smoking that crazy narcotic!

MADISON
He died because he was an idiot who ran into traffic.

COLLINS
After smoking those cigarettes!

MADISON
His tolerance was pretty low. One of the reasons I wanted to break up with him.

ANNE
So, tell us, do you have any idea where he could’ve gotten those reefer cigarettes?

MADISON
Do I get full immunity?

COLLINS
Please. If there’s anything you can do to help us! We need to get the fiend who sells that stuff behind bars.

MADISON
Well, I am pretty pissed he doubled the price. Okay, I’ll take you to his house.

ANNE
There you are, Inspector!

COLLINS
Yes, there I am. But where am I?

ANNE
What do you mean?

COLLINS
This joint, it’s probably the rat’s nest we’re looking for. We could break into the place, probably find some marijuana. But what good would that do? The most we could convict the peddler on would be illegal possession of narcotics. That’s not enough. I want to send him up the river for the book. Get an actual proof of distribution and sale.

ANNE
Yes, I see what you mean.

COLLINS
Someone must visit the joint. Actually buy reefers from whoever sells them.

MADISON
You got ten bucks? I’ll buy the “reefers.”

COLLINS
No, dear, I can’t put a young girl like you in that position.

MADISON
Really, it’s okay. I was heading over there anyway.

ANNE
What about me, Inspector?

COLLINS
You, Anne? No. I’ll get one of the boys at the station. One of the younger police officers.

ANNE
Nonsense! You know as well as I do that every last one of them looks exactly like what he is. A trained police watchdog. If you want evidence, Inspector, it must be from someone who doesn’t arouse the peddler’s suspicion.

MADISON
He already knows me. There’d literally be no suspicion at all.

COLLINS
But, Anne, it may be dangerous!

ANNE
So, what? It’s no more dangerous than letting a mad dog run around loose contaminating our children! No, Inspector, this is my job. I will go to that house and buy the evidence you need!

COLLINS
All right, Anne. Let’s go!

MADISON
Okay, so, am I driving?

FLANNIGAN
All righty, then. I got us four coffees from the cafeteria. And I promise, I didn’t spend anything extra on the cream. Say! Where’d everybody go?

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Okay, his place is down the next block.

ANNE
I think you better stop here so we can walk the rest of the way.

COLLINS
Yeah, that way he won’t spot me.

MADISON
But… walking? He knows I wouldn’t walk anywhere. He’ll be suspicious for sure.

ANNE
We’ll have to risk it. We don’t want to be conspicuous, especially to jittery lawbreakers.

MADISON
Speaking as a jittery lawbreaker, I’d rather not walk!

COLLINS
Pull over.

MADISON
Fine.

COLLINS
Anne, are you sure you wouldn’t rather let me detail one of the boys to do this?

ANNE
Positive.

COLLINS
But it’s dangerous. You don’t know anything about the drug you’re dealing with.

ANNE
That’s what you think, Inspector.

COLLINS
Eh?

ANNE
You suggested we wait until dark, so I spent the entire afternoon studying up on marijuana.

MADISON
So did I! “Studying.”

ANNE
I read all about its unhealthy history and habits in the downtown library.

MADISON
Oh, this is gonna be good.

ANNE
Very enlightening, too. For instance, did you know that the Indian variety of cannabis, Sativa, is also known as cannabis Indica?

MADISON
Uh, fact check. Sativa and Indica are two totally different categories of pot.

ANNE
Indica is the infamous bhang or “hashish” smoked in the Orient.

MADISON
Bhang is an edible, not smoked.

ANNE
The Oriental Assassins smoke it to project themselves into a reckless, murdering mood!

MADISON
What?! Flag on the play. Indica is actually a sedative, you church mom.

COLLINS
That’s amazing, Anne!

MADISON
And Sativa is a stimulant, but it just makes you happy and giddy and likely to consume an entire large Domino’s Pizza by yourself in one sitting.

COLLINS
Anne Rogers, you always know what you’re talking about, don’t you?

ANNE
Well, Inspector, when you’re dealing with strange things, it pays to study up on them. You never know when your knowledge is going to come in handy.

MADISON
Yeah, it’s always good to be up on the most current misinformation.

ANNE
We’d better be running along now.

COLLINS
I still don’t think Madison should be going with you.

MADISON
You think “21 Jump Street” over here is gonna pass for high school age? Trust me, I’m needed.

ANNE
We’ll be back as soon as we get the evidence. All right, Madison, lead the way.

MADISON
This feels like the time my mom went bar hopping with me. It was 80’s retro night and everyone could see through her underwear that she was no Madonna.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
Okay, we’re here. Let me do the talkin’, comprende you?

ANNE
I’ll follow your lead.

BLACKY
Yeah? Who is it?

ANNE
A customer!

BLACKY
A what?

MADISON
A customer?! What do you think this is? A drug den drive-thru?

ANNE
Sorry. I got ahead of myself.

BLACKY
What’s the password?

ANNE
Do you know the password?

MADISON
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saved it in my phone.

BLACKY
Times almost up!

ANNE
Hurry!

MADISON
I can’t find it! Uh… Forgot password. Send email to reset.

BLACKY
What?!

MADISON
Blacky! Just open the door!

BLACKY
Oh, it’s you, Madison. Hey, who’s this with ya? You know I don’t like unknown visitors. Don’t tell me you go to high school, sister?

ANNE
No, that’s right, I’m no high school kid. But that doesn’t keep me from buying some marijuana if I want to, does it?

BLACKY
Well, I suppose it doesn’t. And any friend of Madison’s… better have money to pay.

ANNE
Bill actually sent us.

BLACKY/MADISON
Bill?

ANNE
Yes. You know, Bill McCloud. Her boyfriend who buys from you.

BLACKY
Oh. Bill who buys from me. That Bill. What he send you here for?

ANNE
I’ve told you, some marijuana. Mary Jane.

MADISON
Ohmahgod, this is so embarrassing. Next thing you know she’ll be dancing on the tables to “Like a Virgin.”

BLACKY
So, “Bill” told you to just come and knock on the door and ask for some Mary Jane, huh?

ANNE
That’s right. I’ve got the money right here if you’d let me have a pack of cigarettes.

BLACKY
A pack a what?

ANNE
The cigarettes, of course.

BLACKY
Madison, a word, please.

MADISON
Uh… sure.

BLACKY
We’ll be right back, uh…

ANNE
Anne.

BLACKY
Anne. Sent by “Bill.” Got it. This is feelin’ mighty fishy, Madison.

MADISON
Dude, Blacky, I know she’s totally stiff, but once she’s toked up, she’s much more fun to be around. Seriously. It’s medicinal for her personality.

BLACKY
Just the same, I think I’ll get Joe in here. Joe!

MADISON
Joe? The guy who looks like the Hulk down to his green skin?

BLACKY
‘Ey! That’s a condition.

JOE
Yeah, Blacky?

BLACKY
Come in here a minute, will ya?

JOE
Sure, thing.

MADISON
C’mon. Just sell her a couple joints and we’ll be outta here.

JOE
Hello, baby.

MADISON
Joe! Hey! That a new vein on your neck?

JOE
You noticed!

BLACKY
Never mind that, Joe. I need ya to frisk that hot tamale in the foyer and see that she’s not carryin’ a rod.

JOE
You bet! It’s a pleasure.

MADISON
Uck. He frisks like he’s giving a mammogram.

ANNE
Wait! Keep your hands off of me! What’s the big idea…!

BLACKY
Well, Joe?

JOE
Nope. No rod.

BLACKY
Good. Bring her over here.

ANNE
Now see here, what’s the reason?

MADISON
He watched one gangster movie where the moll kept a gun in her bra and now he checks everybody, regardless of cup size.

BLACKY
All right, enough! I got me some questions. So, “Bill” sent ya here, that right?

ANNE
Yes, that’s right. Now if you’ll be kind enough to tell this… this person to let me go.

MADISON
He’s not a person. His species is yet unclassified.

BLACKY
Hold onto her, Joe, and if she opens her yap to holler, slap her down.

MADISON
Okay, let’s pull back on the violence against women, here. Hmmm?

BLACKY
I ain’t done with you, neither, Madison. Bringin’ this dame here!

ANNE
But Bill sent me!

BLACKY
Look, lady, I don’t know no “Bill.” But I done a lot of business with Madison.

ANNE
Madison? You purchase reefer cigarettes?

MADISON
Don’t gimme that “mother” tone. She bought me my first bong. It was the least she could do after swappin’ spit with the DJ at that 80s night.

BLACKY
So, Anne, who you workin’ for?

ANNE
I am not working for anyone. I just came here to try to get reefers.

MADISON
No one says, “reefers.” It’s not plural.

JOE
Hey, Boss.

BLACKY
Shut up, Joe! Come on, sister, talk!

JOE
But, Boss, listen! I just remembered I seen this doll before.

BLACKY
Yeah, where?

JOE
In the newspaper. She writes a column.

MADISON
You read?

JOE
She writes that there, “Second Glance.” Her picture’s on the column!

MADISON
Oh, okay, you look at the pictures.

BLACKY
Is that right, sister?

ANNE
I don’t know what he’s talking about.

BLACKY
Let me see. Turn her face this way, Joe. Yeah, you’re right. She’s Anne Rogers.

MADISON
Ya know, having your picture on your column probably isn’t good for your undercover reporting. Just sayin’.

BLACKY
All right, now it’s beginnin’ to make sense.

ANNE
Very well. I’m Anne Rogers.

MADISON
What?! You’re Anne Rogers, the columnist? O.M.G., Blacky! I had no idea she was a Narc!

BLACKY
Can it, Madison. You’re in this as much as she is. Such a shame. You was one of my best customers.

ANNE
See? He says “customers.”

MADISON
Okay, well, he’s gonna kill us. But I’ll give you the win on “customers.”

JOE
I can take care of ’em, Boss.

BLACKY
Put that gun away. You can’t shoot them here.

JOE
No? Why not?

MADISON
Well, for starters, the blood stains will absolutely ruin this carpet.

JOE
Oh.

BLACKY
No, ya dope! Gun shots will bring the cops down on us. For all we know, there’s a cop with ’em right now.

JOE
It would ruin the carpet, though.

BLACKY
You skin outside and take a look around. See if there’s any bulls in the neighborhood.

JOE
Right.

BLACKY
Joe!

JOE
Yeah, Boss?

BLACKY
Maybe you wanna holster that gun, rather than wavin’ it around drawn like that? I mean, what would the neighbor’s think?

JOE
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Boss!

BLACKY
My sister’s kid.

ANNE
What are you going to do with us?

BLACKY
It ain’t what I’m gonna do. It’s what you’re gonna do. So, you wanted to learn about Mary Jane, huh? Well, you’ll get your chance.

ANNE
What do you mean?

BLACKY
Never smoke the stuff, didja?

ANNE
No. And I never will.

MADISON
Yeah, ‘cuz you’re what? “High on life?”

ANNE
Exactly.

BLACKY
Well, that’s all about to change for ya. See that little room over there? That’s the bathroom. Both of ya, walk in there.

MADISON
Uh, contrary popular beliefs, not all women like to go to the bathroom together. Frankly, I don’t want to fight for mirror space. And I have. Shove me, get an eye full of Aqua Net. That was a really crazy 80’s night.

BLACKY
Get in there!

ANNE
But why?

BLACKY
Very convenient. There ain’t no windows. You’ll notice when I shut the door on ya, it’ll be practically airtight.

MADISON
Airtight? What about under the door? There isn’t a cat alive that can’t reach his entire arm under a bathroom door.

BLACKY
Airtight enough. Now both of ya are gonna get a nice lungful of that marijuana that you, Miss Rogers, were so anxious to find out about.

ANNE
What do you mean? How?

BLACKY
Me and Joe rigged up a little gimmick to take care of snoops and troublemakers like you. It’s a tube feeding from the incinerator into this airtight room. I’m gonna lock you in there, then go out and put a big fat bundle of Mary Jane in the incinerator. In five minutes, this room will be full of good ol’ sleepy smoke!

MADISON
Wait. You told me weed was hard to come by because of the war. Now you’re gonna pump hundreds of dollars worth into the incinerator so she can get high for free?!

BLACKY
It’s for the point I’m making.

MADISON
You’re that guy who gives away edibles as Halloween candy, aren’t you? Note to self, trick-or-treat on this block next October.

BLACKY
After you’re both knocked out — and that won’t take long — we can carry you two outta this joint without runnin’ any risk of you shoutin’ your heads off.

MADISON
This just isn’t good business. I mean, you can easily strangle us or knock us out with a blunt instrument. Why waste your product?

BLACKY
How else can I demonstrate to Miss Rogers the evils of marijuana use?

MADISON
After school special?

BLACKY
You’re just stallin’. Get inside, ladies.

ANNE
No! I refuse!

BLACKY
Inside, I said!

ANNE
Stop! Get your hands off of me!

MADISON
Girl! He’s offering up free stuff! Even when there’s some at a party it’s all, “puff, puff, pass, puff, puff, pass, BJ later.”

BLACKY
All right, enough! Let’s turn the water on in the bathtub.

MADISON
You’re not expecting us to shower together? Are there cameras in here?

BLACKY
No! The water is so you two can yell all you want. If anybody hears you, they’ll just think you’re yodelin’ in the tub.

ANNE
I’ll turn the water off!

BLACKY
It won’t matter! Because I got one more detail to take care of… this! Now you’re locked in. Enjoy, ladies!

MADISON
Quick! Hand me one of those towels so I can get it wet!

ANNE
The wet towel will help us escape?

MADISON
No! You put it along the bottom of the door so no smoke leaks out. Didn’t you go to college?

SCENE SIX

ANNE
This is terrible! We have to find a way out of here!

MADISON
You’re telling me. That cheapskate is using skunk weed. I’d rather suck the exhaust pipe from a ’76 Ford Bronco.

ANNE
Drink some water!

MADISON
Why?

ANNE
It happens to be just one of the many things I read when I was studying on marijuana this afternoon. An unusual fact. You see, marijuana has absolutely no effect on a person who has saturated himself with plain ordinary, drinking water.

MADISON
What?!

ANNE
Yes. Why, I don’t know. Perhaps some scientist could tell you.

MADISON
You find me that scientist because that is BS.

ANNE
But the factor remains true, nevertheless.

MADISON
You know, I think that’s the worst thing you’ve said so far. It’s one thing to spread fear that pot drives people crazy and makes them run into traffic, but now you’re telling people, “drink water and you won’t get high?”

ANNE
It was in a book in the library.

MADISON
Just like drinking alcohol, smokin’ up can get you dehydrated, so drinking water can help with basically hang overs. It doesn’t stop the affects of the THC. But let’s experiment, Ms. Scientist. Drink some water.

ANNE
All right…

MADISON
No glasses in the medicine cabinet. You’re just gonna have to cup your hand under the facet.

ANNE
I’m… feeling dizzy…

MADISON
Did you eat anything today?

ANNE
Just some of that… Strawberry ice-cream soda.

MADISON
Ooo. Never good idea to get high on an empty stomach. Speaking of which, you hungry? I could really go for a pizza.

ANNE
I’m just… getting tired. Is it really bright in here?

MADISON
Okay, girl. Put your head on my lap and just relax.

ANNE
You have two knees! Ah! So do I!

MADISON
Ah… newbies.

SCENE SEVEN

BLACKY
Okay, Joe, I got the garage door open. Take the girls and dump ’em in the car.

JOE
I thought you said they’d be passed out from the Mary Jane. They’re just asleep!

BLACKY
They was in there ten minutes. The way hay works is, smoke a little, an’ they get wild. Too much, an’ they pass out completely.

JOE
Well, Madison ain’t passed out. She’s droolin’ on my shirt!

BLACKY
It’s a deep sleep, anyway. Madison didn’t wake up the three times you smacked her head on the banister.

JOE
I only hit her head twice! The third was her foot gettin’ caught between the spindles. Ah! She rolled in the footwell.

BLACKY
That’s fine. You can throw the lady reporter on the seats.

JOE
You ever try the stuff yourself?

BLACKY
Reefer? Not me! I’m too smart. I wouldn’t touch it with a ten foot pole. I just sell it. Now go on, back the car out.

JOE
Okay, Blacky.

BLACKY
I’ll shut the door after ya. Hold it! I just thought a somethin’.

JOE
What is it, Blacky?

BLACKY
We’ve got a whole crate full of Mary Jane in this garage. I don’t want them cops to find it when they come searchin’ ’round here after we’ve gone. We gotta take it with us.

JOE
Yeah, I never thought of that.

BLACKY
Come on, gimme a hand with the stuff. Over here in this corner. Grab one end, Joe. I’ll get the other. We’ll be outta here before– Hey!!

JOE
What’s going on?!

BLACKY
Madison is sittin’ up at the wheel!

JOE
But she can’t! She’s out cold!

BLACKY
She’s backin’ out straight into the street! Ah, no! There’s another car comin’!!!

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
Why did you block the driveway, Inspector?! Oh… my poor car…

COLLINS
I heard you honking and thought I needed to stop the getaway.

MADISON
Aw… man. I am way too toasted to be driving.

FLANNIGAN
All right, you two hooligans, into the squad car witcha.

BLACKY
How is Madison even conscious?! I gave her a full ten minute dose of marijuana!

MADISON
Well, first of all, that was the cheap stuff. Second, tolerance level, thank you. Thuh– um…

FLANNIGAN
Third.

MADISON
Third, that’s a really cool accent. Are you Australian?

FLANNIGAN
Uh… no.

MADISON
G’day, mate!

BLACKY
This is why I never smoke the stuff.

ANNE
Inspector!

COLLINS
Anne! Anne, are you all right?

ANNE
Of course, I’m fine. I see you caught the peddlers.

COLLINS
Yes, they’re off to city jail for keeps, thanks to you. We have enough to hold them for a long, long time. Narcotics possession and peddling, assault and battery, and criminal kidnapping with intent to kill.

MADISON
You guys have had a busy morning.

BLACKY
I never should’ve trusted you, Madison!

MADISON
Truer words have never been spoken.

FLANNIGAN
Come on, move along, you two!

JOE
Are you Australian?

COLLINS
Now the judge can throw the book at them.

ANNE
A good thing, too. Men like that are disgrace to a civilized community, as well as a menace to the youth of that community. Don’t you agree, Spritely?

SPRITELY
Oh, yes, Annie! Too many young lives have already been lost!

ANNE
It is a very dangerous game.

SPRITELY
It shore is! What, with that devilish device they had rigged up! That trick gas chamber? You say you were locked there for a whole ten minutes?

ANNE
Yes, a most unpleasant ten minutes.

SPRITELY
Why weren’t you knocked out by the marijuana fumes?

ANNE
It was the water, Spritely. Marijuana has no effect if you drink water.

SPRITELY
The water? Well, I’ll be darned! Then the airtight room they locked you into was actually the one room in the house which provided you with the means to keep your brain clear!

COLLINS
Uh, Madison?

MADISON
Yeah, Inspector?

COLLINS
Is Anne talking to herself?

MADISON
You might want to get her home and make sure she gets plenty of fluids.

COLLINS
Say, Anne? How about I drive you home?

ANNE
Why, thank you, Inspector! Do you mind if we drop Spritely off on the way?

COLLINS
Uh… Spritely? Spritely is… here?

ANNE
Is she here?! What’s wrong with you, Inspector?

MADISON
Just say, “yes.”

COLLINS
Uh, sure. Of course. I’ll… drive her home.

MADISON
You also might wanna get some food in her.

COLLINS
Yeah, maybe. Oh, here’re your keys, Madison. Thank you for your um… unconventional assistance. Good night.

MADISON
Later, Inspector.

COLLINS
Careful, Anne! You almost fell!

ANNE
It’s all right, Inspector! Spritely caught me!

MADISON
Thank you all for listening to our PSA, warning against the evils of marijuana. Remember, kids, don’t do drugs. Oh, who am I kidding? If it’s legal where you are, smoke up! But get high responsibly. Always order the pizza first. Otherwise you order way too much food and end up making a pillow out of the pepperoni stuffed cheese bread. Okay, byeee!!!

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“Hot Copy” originally ran on NBC from 1941-1942 but was moved to the NBC Blue network for the rest of its run until 1944. To quote a press release from 1942: “Hot Copy is built around events in the never-dull life of Anne Rogers, daring, attractive newspaper woman who helps to make and to write the news that’s ‘too hot to handle.'” Unfortunately, there are only two very hard to find episodes left in the public domain — I didn’t find them — because a private collector has retained the rights to all the rest of the series. Yes, like collectors of vintage wines, some OTR collectors will
buy the rights to a series and then, by making it scarce, run up the value of their collection. Sometimes they’ll sell the episodes, sometimes they just keep them. Thankfully the scripts are available, with ours graciously shared by Jim Goodluck who has
been recreating the episodes as an audio drama podcast because surprise! This was a crossover episode! Big thanks to Jim’s regular cast members Rhonda Sigler-Ware, Christian Neuhaus, Samantha Thompson and whaaat? Our Madison regular cast member Jerry Kokich does double duty! You all were ah-mazing! Thank you guys so much! Everyone, you need to go and listen to the Hot Copy Radio Theatre Podcast! Link in the show notes. Okay, announcer-dude, roll the credits!