MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE GREEN HORNET: THE CORPSE THAT WASN’T THERE”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: NOV 2021
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The Green Hornet! He hunts the biggest of all game, public enemies that try to destroy our America. With his faithful valet, Kato, Britt Reid, daring young publisher, matches wits with racketeers and saboteurs. Risking his life that criminals and enemy spies will feel the weight of the law by the sting of the Green Hornet. Ride with Britt Reid in the thrilling adventure, “The Corpse That Wasn’t There.” The Green Hornet strikes again!
CASE
Good afternoon.
MADISON
Oh. Hey. Uh… is this your office?
CASE
My office? Last I checked, your name is on the door. As well as on your mail. Which, I deliver to you now.
MADISON
Mail? Who’s sending me mail?
CASE
I couldn’t say. And seeing as how it’s a federal offense to open other people’s mail, I hand them to you completely sealed.
MADISON
I can’t get the post office to forward my mail across town. I’m gonna guess sending it seventy years to the past is a little outside of their delivery range. Wait, hang on. My name’s not on any of these. They all say “Mr. Britt Reid.” Britt Reid… why do I know that name?
CASE
Presumably because it’s your name, Mr. Reid.
MADISON
I’m sorry, did you just call me “Mr. Reid?” Or is he standing right behind me?
CASE
Were you out late last night? Perhaps you need to rest.
MADISON
Uh… you got a mirror ’round here?
CASE
Um, I have a compact at my desk.
MADISON
Ya mind grabbing it for me?
CASE
Of course.
MADISON
Oh, god! Did I somehow “Quantum Leap” this time? Am I in the actual… body of this Britt Reid dude? I still got boobs. They’re there, that’s them. Unless he is… trans? “Britt” Reid… maybe “Brittney”…?
CASE
Here you are, Mr. Reid.
MADISON
Thanks! Hang on. I look like me in the mirror.
CASE
Uh… were you expecting to look like someone… else, Mr. Reid?
MADISON
Okay, girl, what do you see when you look at me?
CASE
You mean, describe you?
MADISON
Yeah, c’mon. Hit me.
CASE
Umm… ‘kay, you’re… tall.
MADISON
How tall?
CASE
Over six feet?
MADISON
Okay, even in my tallest stilettos I’m not over six feet.
CASE
Mr. Reid…
MADISON
Wait, what’s your name?
CASE
My name? Why, I was your father’s assistant long before you ever took over the newspaper for him.
MADISON
Don’t need a life story. Just a name.
CASE
Miss Case.
MADISON
Ooo… that really does sound familiar. Why can’t I place it? Well, this is new. Alrighty, then, just call me Britt Reid.
CASE
Is there anything else you need, Mr. Reid?
MADISON
Hey, wait a sec, this letter you gave me has a different name on it. “Kegler”?
CASE
Oh, yes, that letter. Someone dropped it on the street. I’ve been trying to reach him by phone. Do you mind if I try now?
MADISON
Uh… knock yourself out. I’ll look at the other letters addressed to me. Mr. Britt Reid.
CASE
Thank you. Hello, switchboard? Yes, this is Lenore. Helen, will you try that number again? It’s… yes, that’s right.
MADISON
So… you found the letter on the street?
CASE
Yeah. A man bumped into me and when I went to pick up my pocketbook, I saw he’d dropped the letter. But he’d already disappeared. It’s sealed but unmailed. Yes, Helen… Oh. Well, okay thanks. Maybe he works in a factory or someplace… No, no, I won’t bother. Goodbye. Still no answer.
MADISON
Why not just mail it? I mean, I’ll be the first to admit I don’t have much experience mailing anything. I pay all my bills online, send birthday greetings on social media… aside from returns to Amazon, I don’t think I’ve ever mailed anything in my entire life.
CASE
I guess that is the easiest thing. Wait a minute. Look at the address.
MADISON
Uh… yeah?
CASE
It’s right on your way home, Mr. Reid.
MADISON
Yes. I recognize that address now. Right on my way home. To wherever it is… that I live.
CASE
Would you drop it off? Please?
MADISON
Sure. Absolutely. My car would be… in the garage?
CASE
Well, I assume your valet, Kato, would be driving you.
MADISON
Kato! This is “The Green Hornet”!
CASE
I beg your pardon?
MADISON
Oh, yes, duh! Britt Reid, Kato, Miss Case! Oh, that was gonna bug me all day. Bug? Hornet?
CASE
I’ll let you get back to work now, Mr. Reid.
MADISON
Okay, later, Miss Case. So I am literally in the body of the Green Hornet. I mean, given the choice, I would’ve gone for, like, Wonder Woman but– Oh, no, wait a minute! Phew! All girl parts below the waist. I was a little concerned there for a second. Although, that would be interesting…
SCENE TWO
MADISON
So… Kato. Hey. Heh, heh. Appreciate the ride. Not really sure what to say here ‘cuz I kinda totally forgot until now how completely not P.C. your character is.
KATO
P.C.?
MADISON
That broken English thing. I’m so sorry that’s how they wrote Asian characters back then.
KATO
Oh, it gets better. First I was the “Japanese” valet, until Pearl Harbor. Couldn’t have a Japanese character after that. So then I became the “faithful” valet. Until they made me the “Filipino” valet and sometimes even the “Korean” valet.
MADISON
Wow… you’re… surprisingly self aware.
KATO
I still think I got a better deal than Tonto. You know “The Green Hornet” is technically in the same universe as “The Lone Ranger”?
MADISON
I… did not know that.
KATO
Yeah. Britt Reid is the grandnephew of John Reid, the Lone Ranger.
MADISON
You mean… I’m the grandnephew of John Reid. Because I’m Britt Reid.
KATO
Last I checked, Britt Reid wasn’t a blonde in a short skirt.
MADISON
Kato! You can see me as Madison!
KATO
You’ll find everyone around here sees what they want to see. That broken English thing? They just assume that’s how I talk, so that’s how it comes out to them. Whatever. I’m saving my money to open a kung fu school in Oakland. Well, here’s the house you wanted to stop at to drop off that letter.
MADISON
Oh. Okay. Um… I’ll be right back. Man, this is so weird. I’ve only ever tried to pass myself off as someone else to get into Hollywood red carpet events. And how was I supposed to know when I said I was Ava Phillippe that Reese Witherspoon was actually hosting the event? We’re all blondes, why does it matter? Nobody’s home?Wait, I can see someone through the window… OMG!!! KATO!!!! KATO!!!!
KATO
What is it?
MADISON
OMG! OMG! OMG!!!
KATO
And they say I’m the one who speaks in broken English.
MADISON
Come on, you gotta see this! There! There! Look!
KATO
Did you try the door?
MADISON
I really wasn’t planning on going in there when I saw that.
KATO
It’s unlocked. Come on. And be careful.
MADISON
Is… is he…?
KATO
Oh, it’s obvious. All we needed was one look. Where’s the phone?
MADISON
You mean the landline? I dunno. Didn’t you old timey people used to stick ’em on the walls or something?
KATO
There it is, on the table. That’s odd. Huh, I thought so. Madison, look, this telephone wire’s been cut.
MADISON
And you need the wires for the phone to work. Ha, ha! I’ve figured out a few things about your ancient technology over this last year. That, and to never expect to find a vegan option at any restaurant anywhere, ever. What is everyone’s obsession with cooking everything in animal fat?
KATO
I’ll get to the nearest phone and call the police. You stay here, Madison.
MADISON
Stay here? With the dead body?
KATO
Would you know where to find a public phone?
MADISON
Public phone? If it’s anything like a public pool, it’s gonna be full of kid pee so, no thank you.
KATO
I’ll be right back.
MADISON
Oh-kay. Just me and the dead body of some gross bloated old dude. I’ve seen so many dead bodies in these old timey radio shows, I wonder if I’m ever gonna get desensitized to it. What was that?!
BOLTON
Get him!
MADISON
What? Oh… this superhero stuff hurts.
BOLTON
Now, get busy.
SCENE THREE
KATO
Madison?
MADISON
Oh…
KATO
You’re all right.
MADISON
Ow, ow, ow…
KATO
You gotta get up. The police are in the other room and they can’t see Britt Reid lying on the floor.
MADISON
I feel like that time I joined a mosh pit. It did not go well. The fact that it was at a Michael Bublé concert should’ve been my first hint.
KATO
You’ve got a bump on the top of your head like an egg. Who was it?
MADISON
I don’t know. I heard someone say “get him” and I looked to see what they were talking about– I’m the “him”! Oh, this is gonna take some getting used to.
KATO
Where’s the letter?
MADISON
The letter?
KATO
The letter you came to deliver.
MADISON
Oh, uh. Huh. Not here.
KATO
That must’ve been what they wanted.
SERGEANT
Say, Mr. Reid? Mr. Reid?
KATO
He means you.
MADISON
Oh, right. Yeah? Uh, maybe a little lower. “Yeah?”
SERGEANT
Hey, what kind of a joke is this?
MADISON
Joke? Look, I have no idea how I got here, how I got in this body–
KATO
Joke? Murder no joke, officer.
SERGEANT
Sure, that’s what I mean. What’s the idea calling up the police and having all this–
KEGLER
What is going on? What are you people doing in my house?
MADISON
Who are you?
KEGLER
Who am I? I live here! My name is Ernest Kegler. Just who are you?
MADISON
I’m Mad–
KATO
Britt Reid!
MADISON
Mad… mad… Mad Man Britt Reid.
KATO
Perhaps explanation why dead man in living room?
MADISON
They really think you talk like that?
KEGLER
What’s that? A dead man in my living room?
KATO
Yes. Murdered.
MADISON
Do we know for sure he was murdered? It coulda been natural causes. One night when I was working at Applebee’s, a customer dropped dead from a brain aneurysm. He fell face first in his Flamin’ Hot Cheetos cheese bites. The manager told us not to tell anyone until we got the coroner’s report back just in case he died from a tainted Cheeto.
SERGEANT
Now hold on. Wait a minute. Mr. Reid, if you’re playing a joke, you’re carrying it too far.
MADISON
I don’t joke about Cheetos.
SERGEANT
Take a look in that room. There’s no murdered man. There’s nobody at all.
MADISON
Whaaaat? Kato? C’mere a sec.
KATO
Yeah?
MADISON
I can’t trust my eyes. Do you not see a body, too?
KATO
The Sergeant’s right. There’s no body. Not now, anyway.
MADISON
This feels like the Matrix and I’ve taken both pills.
SCENE FOUR
CASE
Lowry’s back, Mr. Reid.
MADISON
Lowry… Lowry…
CASE
You… told me to ask him to find out information about–
MADISON
Lowry’s a reporter! I got it now. Send him in.
CASE
Go on in, Mr. Lowry.
LOWRY
Thanks, Casey. I drew a blank, boss.
MADISON
You didn’t find out anything?
LOWRY
Well, the cops decided that you and Kato must’ve walked in on a practical joke. Maybe a fraternity initiation.
MADISON
Oh, dude, I’ve had my fill of those. Learned to hide my bras during rush week.
LOWRY
I… um… hung right on their shoulders while they checked up on this “Ernest Kegler” guy. The one who owned the house. He’s pure as snow, boss. They even checked his fingerprints. They got them on file because he works in a war plant.
MADISON
“War plant”? Like makin’ bombs and stuff?
LOWRY
Sure. Top secret work. Gotta have clearance for that.
MADISON
I had to get clearance for the last place I rented. You really feel a breech of trust when your own parents run a background check on you.
LOWRY
What’s our next move, boss?
MADISON
Well, did you find out if that Kegler guy was one that bumped into Miss Case on the street? The one who dropped the letter?
LOWRY
Coulda been him. I was with her when it happened, but I didn’t get a close look at the time. I asked Kegler about a letter and he said, yes, he’d lost one, but it wasn’t important.
MADISON
This doesn’t make sense. And what kind of “Animal House” level practical joke cuts phone wires and knocks people unconscious?
LOWRY
Cops haven’t figured that one out yet. All they can guess is whoever you saw was playing dead.
MADISON
Well, give that dude the Oscar.
LOWRY
I’ll keep lookin’ into it, boss. Will I be able to reach you at home?
MADISON
Oh… uh… I guess it is kinda late. Yeah, I’m gonna head home.
LOWRY
I’ll call you if I hear anything new.
MADISON
‘Kay.
CASE
Leaving now, Mr. Reid?
MADISON
Yeah. Later.
LOWRY
Holy mackerel!
CASE
You said it, Lowry. Something’s off about Mr. Reid.
LOWRY
What do you think he meant by, “hide his… bras?”
SCENE FIVE
MADISON
Hey, Kato! I’m home– Dude, do you always sit with your feet up in the living room smoking cigars?
KATO
I’m a sidekick, Madison. I’m loyal like a dog to a master. But if I don’t get time to relax, I might just bite my master. Get my meaning?
MADISON
Hey, no, I get it. It’s like when your boss rewards you with a pizza party. Like, thanks, pizza is the one thing I can afford on this lousy salary. Pepperoni is not appreciation.
KATO
I have been thinking about this Kegler thing all day. Something strange is going on, I’m sure of it. Especially with that missing letter.
MADISON
I had that Lowry reporter guy look into it and the cops totes don’t believe us. But the amount of aspirin I’ve taken for this bump on my head says otherwise.
KATO
You should use the role of the Green Hornet to look into this.
MADISON
I should? Oh, that’d be awesome!
KATO
I’ll get his mask and the gas gun.
MADISON
Gas gun?
KATO
The non-lethal weapon the Green Hornet uses.
MADISON
Oh! Kinda like how the Dukes of Hazzard used a bow and arrow. ‘Course, that was only because they were on parole and couldn’t own a gun. And seeing as how they were from Georgia, I bet those two could take down a deer with a bow and arrow, easy. Boss Hogg got lucky.
KATO
Follow me. We’ll take the Black Beauty.
ANNOUNCER
A few seconds later, stepping through a secret panel in the rear of a closet in his bedroom–
MADISON
What, no fireman’s poles?
KATO
You’re thinking Batman.
MADISON
Aren’t we all, though?
ANNOUNCER
Madison Standish and Kato went along a narrow passage built within the wall of the apartment house itself.
MADISON
Dude! Don’t you ever dust in here?! I’ve walked through like, twenty spider webs!
ANNOUNCER
This passage lead to an adjoining building which fronted on a dark side street. Though supposedly abandoned, this building served as the hiding place for the sleek super-powered Black Beauty — streamlined car of the Green Hornet.
MADISON
Streamlined? There’s not even a cell phone jack.
KATO
But you just need to press a button to start the car.
MADISON
And?
KATO
Just press the button.
ANNOUNCER
The great car roared into life. A section of the wall in front raised automatically then dropped into place as the gleaming Black Beauty sped into darkness.
MADISON
Woo! Okay! This baby’s got some pick up!
KATO
Do you know where we’re going?
MADISON
Didn’t you plug it into the GPS?
KATO
The what?
MADISON
“Streamlined” he says.
KATO
Slow down! We need to turn left up ahead. Kegler’s house is down at the far end of the next block. We can leave the Black Beauty here in the alley. Look. There. Somebody’s going into Kegler’s front door.
MADISON
Hey! It’s Lowry, the reporter guy.
KATO
Come on, we’ll get into the house quietly through the back.
MADISON
Wait! Hang on! I’ve got some majorly restricted vision here with this mask. What is this thing made of, plastic?
KATO
Don’t look down at your feet. Just try focusing straight ahead.
MADISON
It’s like crime fighting through a Fisher Price ViewMaster.
SCENE SIX
LOWRY
No, there isn’t anything special I wanted to see you about, Mr. Kegler. But I just can’t help feeling that the boss did run into something. He’s a levelheaded guy. Well, normally.
KEGLER
Yes, I understand. I read the Sentinel myself. A good newspaper.
LOWRY
He just stopped off to do you a favor and return that letter.
KEGLER
Letter?
LOWRY
The one you dropped when you bumped into Miss Case, remember?
KEGLER
Oh, yes, but it wasn’t important. Please, why don’t you forget the whole thing?
LOWRY
Well, you know us reporters.
KEGLER
Maybe there was somebody here, I don’t know. Maybe it was a practical joke. But whatever it was — or wasn’t — it’s over and done with. Here, I’ll show you to the door.
LOWRY
Okay, okay. I’ll be going.
KATO
We haven’t learned anything new.
MADISON
What was that crack about “normally” I’m levelheaded?
KATO
Kegler’s coming back. Get behind those drapes!
MADISON
I think I’m doing a pretty good job being Britt Reid. When I pretended to be Ava Phillippe I knocked over one of those chocolate fountains right onto Ryan Reynolds. He looked like Augustus Gloop.
KEGLER
Hello? It’s Kegler. A reporter was just here. I’m worried… All right, if you say so… Yes, I understand… All right, I’ll destroy the letter at once. Goodbye.
KATO
Okay, Kegler, hand over that letter.
KEGLER
What?!
MADISON
Yeah! Dammit! I can’t see anything with this stupid mask!!
KATO
Look out, Hornet, he has a gun!
MADISON
Ah!!!! Where is he?! I can’t see him!
KEGLER
That’s the Green Hornet?
KATO
I know Martial Arts. If that helps with the “awe” factor.
KEGLER
It really doesn’t.
PROMO BREAK: THE LAST COMIC SHOP PODCAST
SCENE SEVEN
BOLTON
What’re you doin’ here?
MANHEIM
Who iz eet, Bolton? Ah. Mr. Kegler. Deez iz a breech of our agreement, would you zay?
KEGLER
I’m sorry, Mr. Manheim, but there was that reporter snooping around–
BOLTON
Which is why we told you to burn the letter!
MANHEIM
Eet’s a lucky sing zat fella ve slugged had zu letter. I lifted it right from hiz hand.
KEGLER
But… but… I wasn’t able to burn it. And… somebody else knows about the letter!
BOLTON
What? Who knows about it?
MADISON
I do!
BOLTON
He’s masked!
MANHEIM
Zee Green Hornet!
BOLTON
I got ‘im covered!
MADISON
Whoa! Gun! We’ve got another gun! Kato!!!!
KATO
Use the gas gun!
MADISON
Oh, right! Dang it, I think I dropped it in the hall.
KATO
I really deserve a raise.
BOLTON
Another masked man!
MANHEIM
Eets Kato! Vatch out, Bolton!
MADISON
Good, keep him busy. I’ll try to find the gas gun. It’s not in the hall!
KATO
Try– Your pocket!
MADISON
Oh! Yeah! Here it is. Thanks! Ha-ha! Leave that gun on the floor or I’ll pull the trigger of my gas gun! Which is non-lethal but still pretty intense. I’m fairly sure. Never used it before, actually. But I hear good things.
MANHEIM
Vhat iz deez all about, Kegler? Iz deez a double cross?
MADISON
Wow. That is one stereotyped German accent goin’ on there. I’m guessin’ we’re mid World War Two so we hate the Germans right now?
KATO
I told you, I’m “Filipino.”
MADISON
All right. Colonel Klink it is.
BOLTON
We’re gonna get you for this double cross, Kegler.
KEGLER
But, I–
MADISON
Chill out. Kegler’s still on your side. He tried to shoot us back at his place but he sucks and totally missed. I, myself, was cleverly disguised as drapery at the time.
KATO
How much letter worth to you, Bolton?
BOLTON
Nothin’. Why?
MADISON
And what happened to the dead dude?
MANHEIM
Vhat iz deez… “dude”?
BOLTON
Button your lip, Manheim!
KATO
Let him talk! Who was dead man?
BOLTON
You’re off the beam.
MADISON
Oh, I think after years of gymnastics I’m very much “on” the beam. Unless we’re talking about the time I competed when I had the flu. Vomiting on the balance beam while performing a cartwheel will definitely knock some points off your score. Especially from the judges closest to the mat.
KATO
Was the dead man real Kegler? And this one fake?
MADISON
Ooo! That’s good. I hadn’t thought of that. Little twist there.
BOLTON
You’re pretty smart, aren’t cha?
KATO
Police maybe think so.
BOLTON
Don’t gimme that. The Hornet wouldn’t go to the police.
MADISON
Yeah? Why not?
KATO
The police think the Green Hornet is part of the criminal underworld.
MADISON
They don’t think I’m a good guy?
KATO
They’d arrest you on the spot.
MADISON
Oh, well, thanks for tellin’ me!
KATO
I didn’t know you didn’t know!
BOLTON
Quick, Manheim! Get the gun!
KATO
Don’t you move! I have Kegler! He come with us!
KEGLER
But– but–
BOLTON
Stay here, Kegler, or you’re gonna get it!
KATO
He will talk with us. Tell us all about dead man.
BOLTON
No! He stays here!
MADISON
Sorry, Bolton, you’re just gonna have to figure out how you’re supposed to live without him. That’s my best Michael Bolton. That’s all I got.
MANHEIM
I got zee gun!
BOLTON
Get him, Manheim!
MADISON
Oh, no you don’t!
MANHEIM
Gah… gas…?
BOLTON
I… can’t…
MADISON
Ha-ha! Ha!… Ha… uh-oh…
KEGLER
What… happened?
KATO
She forgot to put her gas mask on before using the gas gun.
KEGLER
That seems like common sense.
KATO
You’d think, huh? Grab a leg, would ya?
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
Oh…
KATO
Put her… eh… him down, Kegler.
KEGLER
It’s the strangest thing. Does the Green Hornet shave his legs?
KATO
He… eh… runs faster that way.
MADISON
Whoa… where are we?
KATO
Kegler is taking us to the garage out back.
MADISON
Oh… I’m still in “The Green Hornet”?
KEGLER
I… I don’t understand what’s going on. And what happened to your accent, Kato?
MADISON
Why’d you do that?
KATO
He was starting to figure things out, and it’s better all around if he doesn’t.
MADISON
So… what’s with the garage, then?
KATO
If my hunch is correct, the garage has the answer to our disappearing corpse.
MADISON
Aw… dammit. Look.
KATO
What do you see?
MADISON
A trunk. A.k.a… dead body hiding place. Wait till after World War Two when you guys’ll get the freezer chest. Bigger than a trunk, keeps the body preserved and major bonus, no maggots.
KATO
I suppose I should open it up to verify?
MADISON
If you wouldn’t mind. Dead body?
KATO
Dead body.
MADISON
Hey! Look at him, and look at that Kegler guy you just knocked out.
KATO
They both resemble each other.
MADISON
Ooo! I gotta idea! How decomposey is he?
KATO
Not… terrible? He’s been dead maybe… six hours.
MADISON
Okay, if you wouldn’t mind grabbing him by yourself, because, “ew,” and then follow me.
KATO
Explain to me exactly what your plan is?
MADISON
Ah, ah, ah! No time to explain. Scoot yer boot, Kato. Come on! Let’s go!
KATO
Great. Now she’s starting to act like the real Green Hornet. Hmmm… What was that about a “freezer chest?”
SCENE NINE
BOLTON
Manheim. Manheim, wake up. Come on, snap out of it.
MANHEIM
Huh? Vhere’s my gun? Oh, it you. Iz he gone?
BOLTON
Yeah. Him and Kegler both.
MANHEIM
I vish vee’d taken care of zat ’em… zu know… in zu trunk in zu garage.
BOLTON
I’ll tell you one thing we gotta do.
MANHEIM
Zu mean Kegler?
BOLTON
Yeah. He’s scared silly. He’s already talked to the Hornet. He might talk to the police if the pressure gets strong enough. We gotta take care of him.
MANHEIM
Kill heem, huh?
BOLTON
Yeah, we gotta do it soon.
MANHEIM
Dat’s zeh back door! Dah Hornet?
BOLTON
Keep your gun outta sight.
MANHEIM
Don’t vorry. I don’t take chances wis zat fella. Vat are you vaiting for? Open zu door.
BOLTON
Look at the glass, Manheim.
MANHEIM
Eetz a shadow.
BOLTON
Looks as if he’s leanin’ right against…
MANHEIM
Bolton, eetz zee body from zu trunk in zu garage propped up against zu door!
BOLTON
Who put it there?
MADISON
I did! Ha! You shoulda seen your faces!
MANHEIM
Zee Hornet!
MADISON
Got you to open the door, didn’t it?
BOLTON
Some trick.
MADISON
I did that one year to get into this really exclusive nightclub. It was kind of a “Weekend at Bernie’s” but with a passed out Topher Grace.
KATO
Who is this man, Bolton? He dress like Kegler. He look like Kegler. He was real Kegler, wasn’t he?
BOLTON
Forget it! This doesn’t concern you.
MADISON
It does so! The police think I’m crazy because I reported a dead body when there wasn’t one!
BOLTON
You reported the dead body?
KATO
He mean Britt Reid report it. Not Green Hornet.
MADISON
Oh, crap, I forgot about the secret identity thing. I gotta lotta people to keep track of today.
MANHEIM
Ha, yayz! Ve slug newspaper man uncon-see-ous and smuggle zee body out!
BOLTON
Zip it, Manheim!
MANHEIM
Vhat eez Hornet going to do, hmm? He eez a known criminal!
MADISON
Okay, well, then… criminal to criminal, why did you kill the dude?
BOLTON
We don’t gotta tell you nuthin’!
MADISON
Don’t make me get my gas gun again. Dammit! Now where did I leave it?
KATO
You replace real Kegler with ringer. Why?
MADISON
Probably because Kegler worked in a war plant.
KATO
How did you know that?
MADISON
Lowry told me.
KATO
Were you ever planning on tell me?
MADISON
I dunno! I never came up.
BOLTON
All right, so you figured out our game, Hornet. Now what?
MADISON
I want in on it!
BOLTON
What?!
MADISON
Yeah! A cut… of… whatever. Money. I want money.
BOLTON
We’re still in a pinch. We gotta get that letter and take care of the other Kegler.
MADISON
Oh, right, the letter.
MANHEIM
Vee sink our Kegler vaz getting yellow. Vee told heem to burn zee letter, but now vee sink he plan to go to zee police.
KATO
So letter contain proof Kegler wasn’t who he said he was.
BOLTON
They’re forged documents we used to get our Kegler into the war plant.
KATO
You traitors to this country!
BOLTON
Hey, I’m just tryin’ to make a buck!
MANHEIM
Und I am loyal… to my country!
MADISON
Yeah, yeah, yeah, treason, whatever. Apparently by 2021, no one’s even gonna care if you commit treason.
KATO
Perhaps we should–
MADISON
I got this, Kato. We stage a murder-suicide!
BOLTON
Murder-suicide? What’re you talkin’ about, Hornet?
KATO
Yes, Hornet, maybe we no–
MADISON
Chill, Kato. I’ve watched a ton of true crime shows. You name a serial killer and I can tell you where they operated, their M.O., number of victims, how they were caught–
BOLTON
What’s all that gotta do with Kegler?
MADISON
Some of you criminals are so stupid. Do your research, okay? We make it look like the real Kegler was killed by the fake Kegler, then the fake Kegler killed himself and the cops don’t try to find the real killers — us. Duh!
MANHEIM
Zu are a true criminal mastermind, Hornet!
MADISON
Thanks! I’ve scared off a few boyfriends with this but, hey, don’t cheat on me and I won’t have to use my knowledge of how to dispose of a body.
BOLTON
So… what do we do next?
MADISON
Umm… you take the two Keglers to Kegler’s house and… Kato and I will meet you there.
BOLTON
All right, Hornet. You gotta deal. C’mon, Manheim.
KATO
You better have one heck of a plan.
MADISON
Whatdaya mean? We’re gonna do the murder-suicide.
KATO
The Green Hornet is going to murder someone?
MADISON
Oh… dang it. I got so swept up in pretending to be a criminal, I forgot we were the good guys.
KATO
Maybe we should call the police.
MADISON
Nah, those guys’ll just hide the body again. Ooo! I know! Okay, does the “streamlined” Black Beauty at least have a car phone?
KATO
Of course.
MADISON
“Of course” he says. Don’t be braggin’ on your 1940’s technology. I’ve worn your underwear.
SCENE TEN
LOWRY
City Room, Ed Lowry talkin.’
MADISON
Hello? Hello? I’d say the reception on this car phone sucks, but it’s really no worse than my cell.
LOWRY
Is that you, boss?
MADISON
Yeah, hey, Lowry! Can you hear me?
LOWRY
Are you in a car?
MADISON
Yeah, so?
LOWRY
Funny, I only thought someone like the Green Hornet would have a car phone.
MADISON
Oh, crap! He says only the Green Hornet would have a car phone.
KATO
You’re the Green Hornet for one day and manage to reveal his secret identity to half the city.
MADISON
Uh… never mind the phone. Just get over to Kegler’s house again, okay?
LOWRY
But I already tried talking to him.
MADISON
I’m the boss, get your butt over there! I could get used to being in charge.
KATO
I wonder if the Lone Ranger is hiring.
SCENE ELEVEN
CASE
Oh, Lowry, why’d you bring me to this place? I don’t like this one bit.
LOWRY
I was too suspicious of that phone call, Casey. It sounded like Britt, but he has been acting rather strangely.
CASE
I agree. When I asked him a question, he told me to “Google it”?
LOWRY
No time for that now. Look, Casey!
CASE
Three men going toward the front door. They’re carrying another man!
LOWRY
Eh, I say that guy’s either had one drink too many or… Holy Mackerel! Wait here, Casey!
CASE
Lowry, where are you going?
LOWRY
I’ll be right back! I’m gonna look in a window!
CASE
Then I’m going with you!
LOWRY
They’re inside now.
CASE
That man they were carrying doesn’t look drunk.
LOWRY
Nope. He’s dead. Lying on the living room floor.
CASE
Look, Lowry! The Hornet’s there, too!
LOWRY
The Hornet? Now this is a story! I’ll keep watching. You get to a phone and get the cops here as fast as you can!
SCENE TWELVE
KEGLER
I don’t understand why you brought the real Kegler back here.
MADISON
Murder-suicide. Duh!
KEGLER
What?!
MADISON
German-dude, gimme your gun.
MANHEIM
Here zu are.
MADISON
Wipe your fingerprints off it first! You guys don’t even have to deal with DNA testing yet and you still can’t pull off a murder. Geez!
MANHEIM
Zorry, Hornet.
MADISON
Okay, where was I?
KEGLER
Murder-suicide?
MADISON
Yeah, right, thanks. So, this is the gun used to kill that Kegler and now we’re gonna use it to kill you so it looks like you killed him and then yourself. Cool, right?
KEGLER
No! No! Bolton, don’t let him!
BOLTON
Shut up, Kegler! That’s the way we want it. That makes us safe, get it? Then the Hornet gives us that letter, and we burn it.
KEGLER
What about my working as a spy in the war plant? All of that effort to get me on the inside?
MANHEIM
Ve shall find anothzer patsy. Finding Americans villing to betray zere country for money eez not zo hard, eh, Hornet?
MADISON
There’s a fine line between Nationalism and Capitalism.
BOLTON
Hey, what’s that?
MANHEIM
Police carz! Zere outzide!
BOLTON
Police?! Hornet, hurry up!
MADISON
Hey! Don’t rush me. Staging a murder scene takes some finesse, okay? Do you want to go to the chair? Well? Do you?
BOLTON
No.
MADISON
Okay, then.
SERGEANT
All right, Hornet! We know you’re in there!
KATO
We really should try and hurry this up, Madison.
MANHEIM
Shoot heem, already!
MADISON
I will. But not with your gun. With mine! Dammit!
KATO
Here.
MADISON
Thank you.
KEGLER
Gas! I… I…
BOLTON
Gas? Hornet, what gives? With gas he’ll just wake up!
MADISON
Yup. He’ll wake up. In jail. With you.
BOLTON
What?!
MANHEIM
Bolton, we’ve been fooled! Get heem! Get zee Hornet!
MADISON
Too late!
MANHEIM
I… can’t… breathe…
BOLTON
Ah… ah…
KATO
Great job, Madison! Now let’s get outta here before the police– Well, that’s just perfect.
SERGEANT
Break the door down! Well, I’ll be. Are they all… dead?
CASE
No, just one of them. Lowry and I saw the whole thing from the window, Sergeant.
LOWRY
And unless I’m nuts, I’ll have a spy story that’ll hit the headlines!
SERGEANT
That’s fine, but what happened to the Green Hornet?
MADISON
What happened? Kato? Aww… was I gassed again?
KATO
Yes.
MADISON
What are you doing?
KATO
I’m packing.
MADISON
Where are we going?
KATO
Not “we.” Me.
MADISON
But I’m Britt Reid and you’re my faithful valet.
KATO
Not anymore I’m not. If you’re going to be the Green Hornet from now on, I quit.
MADISON
What? Where are you gonna go?
KATO
China. I hear there’s good money to be made in kung-fu movies.
BRITT REID
Kato?
KATO
Mr. Britt?
MADISON
I think that’s my exit cue. I don’t know if I pulled it off as The Green Hornet or not, but anythings better than Seth Rogan.
NEWSPAPER BOY
Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Britt Reid back to normal! Madison Standish still at large!
MADISON
Did you just call me fat?! Don’t you run from me, you little newsie twerp!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Green Hornet” was born in 1936 out of the Detroit radio station, WXYZ, spearheaded by George Trendle who’d brought “The Lone Ranger” to the airwaves. The series was meant to showcase corruption in politics and white collar crime which would be taken down by one man. When the show first began, the narrator said, the Green Hornet “hunts the biggest of all game! Public enemies that even the G-Men cannot reach!” Which angered J. Edgar Hoover because he thought they meant his FBI agents weren’t up to snuff, so the copy was forcibly changed. Basically proving the Green Hornet couldn’t fight all corruption. Trendle liked the “bee” sound and choose the name “The Hornet” for his hero. The colors of blue and pink were considered until the team landed on green. The original release of the series ran until 1952 and has continued over the years in comics, television and films.