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MADISON ON THE AIR: “FORBIDDEN PLANET” THE CALTEX THEATRE

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MAY 2024

SCENE ONE

NARRATOR
Hello. I am Brian Sexton from “Irish Science Fiction.” Which is also a podcast that I will be sure to plug later on. Welcome! To the Caltex Theatre! Or what was the Caltex Theatre back in 1956. If you were alive at that time — and good for you if you were — they presented a full hour of dramatic entertainment broadcast over a nationwide network of stations throughout Australia. Which means if any of you listening out there were alive, chances are you didn’t hear the original broadcast as our geographical analytics indicate we have a rather poor showing in Australia. To those handful of Aussies who do subscribe to us, be rest assured we will not be making any references to kangaroos, Foster’s Beer or vegemite sandwiches. Nor will we be having any character, at any time, say “G’Day, Mate.” Unless, of course, you believe those things may boost our numbers in Australia, at which time we will happily pander. Where was I? Right, The Caltex Theatre. You may never have heard their work, but chances are if you like a good 1950’s sci-fi movie, you have heard of the film that they adapted that we are going to further adapt for you right now. It is a fascinating science fiction story set in a world of tomorrow. It is MGM, Leslie Neilsen and Robby the Robot in… “Forbidden Planet!” Act One.

“In the final decade of the 21st century, men and women in rocket ships landed on the moon.” 21st Century! That bit didn’t hold up very well, now did it? I suppose NASA wasn’t started until 1958, so the writer had zero confidence that the American space program would not only become a reality, but that they could accomplish anything as early as 1969. But this is science fiction after all, so let’s not worry about that. “By 2200 A.D. they had reached the moon and the other planets in our solar system. Almost at once, there followed discovery of hyperdrive, through which the speed of light was attained and later greatly surpassed. So at last, mankind began the conquest and colonization of deep space.” Because in the history of mankind, why go anyplace at all if not to conquest and colonize. “The United Planet’s cruiser, C-57-D, was more than a year out from Earth Base on a special mission to the planetary system of the great main sequence star, Altair.” Which actually is a real star, for those of you wanting some science in your fiction. “We join the crew now on approach to Altair’s fourth planet.” In reality, no planets have ever been discovered around the star, Altair, so there’s your fiction.

COMMANDER ADAMS
When do we get a D.C. fix, Jerry?

JERRY
Thirty seconds, Skipper. Ship on course, sir. We’ll reach D.C. point at seventeen-oh-one. That’s less than three minutes now.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Quinn, we’ll drop back below light speed in about three minutes. Got your breakable gear stored?

QUINN
Aye, aye, sir.

JERRY
D.C. set and punched in, Skipper.

COMMANDER ADAMS
All right, attention. Commander Adams to crew. All hands squared away to decelerate. D.C. stations.

MADISON
Hey, the speaker in the corridor was crackling a bit. Can you repeat that last part?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish! What are you doing on the bridge?! The cook is confined to the galley.

MADISON
Yeah, right. You’d love the one female crew member to be confined to the kitchen.

JERRY
Skipper, there’s Altair coming up on the screen, right on the nose!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Okay, Jerry, punch out an orbit on the fourth planet.

JERRY
Aye, aye, Skipper.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Attention, Commander Adams to crew, attention. Our destination, Altair Four, is now visible on the main view plate. As you recollect from your briefing lectures, this is an Earth-type planet. Twenty years ago, the spacecraft Bellerophon landed here with a prospecting party of scientists. Our mission is to search for survivors. That is all.

MADISON
Thanks for the recap. I’m sure everyone on board had completely forgotten what our mission was. We’ve all been sittin’ around for the last year like, “Dude, do you remember what we’re doin’ here?”

COMMANDER ADAMS
You might be safer in the galley.

JERRY
Look, Skipper! There it is.

COMMANDER ADAMS
The Lord certainly made some beautiful worlds.

MADISON
I always thought worlds were formed from the self-accretion of cosmic dust left over from the birth of a proto-star which, over billions of years, coalesces into a planet. But we can go with “The Lord.”

COMMANDER ADAMS
Attention, Commander Adams to crew. We are now entering the atmosphere of Altair Four. No survival suits will be required upon landing. Oxygen content: four point seven richer than as standard. Gravity: only point eight-nine-seven.

MADISON
Aw, look at you excusing away the cast having to wear bulky spacesuits for the benefit of the plot.

QUINN
Sir, we’re being radar scanned.

COMMANDER ADAMS Can you zero on it?

QUINN
Radio contact, sir. Monitors indicate there’s a voice here.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Human?

QUINN
Yes, sir.

MADISON
I got it!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish!!

MADISON
S’up?

DR. MORBIUS
Spaceship, identify yourself. You are being tracked.

MADISON
This is Madison Standish. Who’s this?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Quinn! Patch me in!

QUINN
I can’t sir! She’s hosting the call now! I can only sign you in as a guest!

DR. MORBIUS
Morbius of the Bellerophon.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish! Relinquish the comm line!

MADISON
Shh! I can’t hear. What was that? Morbius Bellerophon?

DR. MORBIUS
I am Edward Morbius of the Bellerophon.

COMMANDER ADAMS
“Edward Morbius.” Jerry! Look that name up!

JERRY
Yep, yep, here it is. His name’s on the passenger list. Morbius, E. Ph.D. Lit. D. Expedition Philologist.

DR. MORBIUS
What do you wish here, cruiser?

MADISON
Oh, we just swung by to check and see if you were all, like, dead or whatever.

DR. MORBIUS
Naturally, I appreciate your concern. But absolutely no assistance of any kind is required.

MADISON
Commander, he says he’s fine. Does that mean we can go home?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Gimme that comm line!

MADISON
I can do this! Geez. I guess we have to wait till the 60s for Nichelle Nichols to become the first female comm officer.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, this is Commander John J. Adams. We’re your relief, sir. We’re very glad to find you alive. Dr. Morbius, are you there?

MADISON
You probably hung up on him.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Quinn!

QUINN
Line is still engaged, sir.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, my orders are to survey the situation on Altair Four.

DR. MORBIUS
Let me repeat. I’m in no sort of difficulty here. Your best procedure will be to turn back at once, without landing.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Sorry, sir, but those aren’t my orders.

DR. MORBIUS
Commander, if you set down on this planet, I warn you that I cannot be answerable for the safety of either your ship or your crew.

MADISON
That’s a pretty solid, “No.”

COMMANDER ADAMS
He can’t say “No!” My orders are–! Why am I arguing with you? You’re the cook!

JERRY
And not even a very good one.

MADISON
Expect a loogie floatin’ in your next coffee.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, I require landing coordinates. I’ll be obliged if you’ll supply me with them.

DR. MORBIUS
Very well. And I wash my hands of all responsibility.

QUINN
Coordinates coming through now, sir.

DR. MORBIUS
Commander, I strongly urge you to reconsider.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Quinn, cut him off.

DR. MORBIUS
Please, permit me to recommend that–

MADISON
Yeah. Why listen to the guy warning us about impending danger? He’s only a scientist who’s been living on the planet for twenty years. I’m sure the one Google Search you did makes you way more knowledgeable than him.

SCENE TWO

NARRATOR
And with that, the C-57-D space cruiser landed. The men — and Madison — stepped out onto the alien soil and cautiously surmised their surroundings with a few flippant remarks as only an arrogant human getting his first glimpse at something new is like to do. It was at this point that a whirling, spinning rapidly moving cloud of dust came over the horizon and headed directly for the new arrivals. It was Lieutenant Ostrow, known to the crew as “Doc” — presumably called so because he was the only scientist their grant could afford to fund on this trip — who first recognized that what generated the whirling spinning rapidly moving cloud of dust was a vehicle manned by a non-man. But rather… a robot.

OSTROW
You see the vehicle? There’s a mechanical creature in charge of it.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Take it steady now, Doc. Everyone, be on alert!

JERRY
I’ve got my blaster ready, Skipper.

MADISON
So the 1950s could imagine people flying at the speed of light to other planets, but a self-driving car is like, what sorcery is this?!

ROBBY
Welcome to Altair Four, gentlemen.

MADISON
Gentlemen? Okay, I get that these onesie-jumpsuits aren’t very flattering to my figure but I did bedazzle mine with some rhinestones giving it a Madison The Label original look. Madison The Label is a chic Australian clothing line? Get it? This show was from Australia? I’m Madison? Okay, hopefully the two Australians who listen got it.

ROBBY
I am to transport you to the residence.

JERRY
It talks!

MADISON
If you think a talking robot is amazing, Siri is gonna blow your mind.

JERRY
Madison!

ROBBY
If you do not speak English, I am at your disposal with 187 other languages, along with their various dialects and sub tongues.

MADISON
If we don’t speak English, how can we understand you telling us — in English — that you speak other languages besides English?

JERRY
Madison!

COMMANDER ADAMS
No, uh, colloquial English will do fine, thank you.

MADISON
And since we already spoke to your like, master or whatever, over the comm on the ship, I think you already know we speak English so really this is a pointless conversation and clearly just you showing off.

JERRY
That’s it.

MADISON
Why’d you move away from me?

JERRY
I don’t want to be in blaster range when that mechanical man decides to take you out.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Would you two keep it down? I’m trying to communicate with this… I’m sorry, no offense, but you are a robit, aren’t you?

MADISON
Row-bit? Did he say robit?

ROBBY
That is correct, sir.

MADISON
No, it’s not correct! It’s Row-bot. This is not a tom-ay-toe, tom-ah-toe situation — because no says tom-ah-toe, ee-ther. Eye- ther.

JERRY
Let’s call the whole thing off?

MADISON
Shut up.

ROBBY
For your convenience, I am monitored to respond to the name, “Robby.”

OSTROW
It’s a nice climate you have here, Robby. High oxygen content.

ROBBY
I rarely use it myself, sir. With my metallic structure, it promotes rust.

JERRY
Hey, Doc, is it a… is it a male or a female?

MADISON
Why, ya horn-dog, you lookin’ to hook up with a sex-bot?

JERRY
What?

MADISON
Then let’s keep gender out of the conversation, all right? How Robby identifies is none of our business.

ROBBY
Will you get in the vehicle, gentlemen?

MADISON
Of course it would be nice if he got my gender right maybe once.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Doc, Jerry, come along with me. Standish! I didn’t include you in that.

MADISON
It’s okay, I’m not offended.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Get out of the vehicle!

ROBBY
Passengers will please fasten their seatbelts.

MADISON
Too late!

JERRY
Seatbelts? It looks after us like a mother.

MADISON
Oh, 1950s with no seatbelt laws. People just flyin’ through the windshields. The good ol’ days.

SCENE THREE

NARRATOR
So, Robby the Robot — or robit if you prefer — transported the team consisting of Commander John J. Adams, Lieutenant “Doc” Ostrow, Jerry — we haven’t mentioned his full name or rank, but I don’t suppose you really care — and Madison to the residence of Dr. Edward Morbius. They all sat down for a lovely lunch catered by Robby himself. There’s a bit of description of how Robby generated the food, which really was done better a decade later by the Star Trek replicator. The one obvious difference being that on Star Trek, you didn’t have to retrieve your meal from a humanoid’s stomach — which, we all know, is just north the humanoid’s crotch. Making the meals on Star Trek significantly less awkward. We rejoin our story just as Jerry makes one of the many sexist remarks that permeate this classic 1950’s film.

JERRY
Well, Robby’s a housewife’s dream!

OSTROW
Plus absolute obedience.

DR. MORBIUS
But do not attribute feelings to him, gentlemen.

MADISON
Don’t worry, they don’t attribute feelings to women, why would they attribute feelings to a robot?

DR. MORBIUS
Robby is simply a tool.

MADISON
They’re the tools.

DR. MORBIUS
Robby is tremendously strong. He could quite easily topple this whole house off its foundation.

OSTROW
In the wrong hands, mightn’t such a, uh, tool become a deadly weapon?

DR. MORBIUS
No, Doctor. Because, you see, there happens to be a built-in safety factor. Commander, may I borrow that formidable looking sidearm
of yours?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yes.

DR. MORBIUS
Thank you. Now, Robby, point this thing at that fruit tree out there on the terrace.

ROBBY
Yes, Morbius.

DR. MORBIUS
Fire!

MADISON
That fruit tree only had one day left till retirement!

OSTROW
Disintegrated entirely.

COMMANDER ADAMS
What does that prove?

DR. MORBIUS
One moment, Commander, one moment. All right, Robby, you understand that mechanism?

ROBBY
Yes, Morbius. A simple blaster.

DR. MORBIUS
All right. Now turn around here. Point it at the Commander.

COMMANDER ADAMS
What?

OSTROW
Now wait a minute!

MADISON
Ooo, this just got good.

DR. MORBIUS
Aim right between the eyes.

JERRY
Commander!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Stand down, Lieutenant.

DR. MORBIUS
Fire! Now see, he’s helpless. His whole electronic being is in a most distressing turmoil. He’s locked in a sub-electronic dilemma between my direct orders and his basic inhibitions against harming rational beings.

MADISON
The way he’s shaking, it’s how I imagine a jukebox feels when it’s forced to play “Do-wah-ditty-ditty” over and over.

DR. MORBIUS
Order cancelled. If I were to allow that distress to continue, he would blow every circuit in his body.

MADISON
How sadistic of you.

OSTROW
Dr. Morbius, how did you come by such a mechanism?

DR. MORBIUS
Oh, I didn’t come by him, Doctor. I just tinkered him together during my first two months here.

JERRY
You mean you made it?

DR. MORBIUS
A useful enough toy.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, you’re a philologist, an expert in words and languages, their origins and meanings.

MADISON
Thanks for the definition because I doubt anyone listening had that on the tip of their tongue.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yet this robit–

MADISON
Robot.

COMMANDER ADAMS
–of yours is beyond the combined resources of all Earth’s physical science.

DR. MORBIUS
My dear Commander, I think you overestimate both Robby and myself. Now then, this has been very pleasant. You’ve seen how comfortable I am here. No hardships, no special difficulties, and no need at all for military assistance. I dare say, you’ve become impatient to get back to Earth Base.

MADISON
Dude, we just drove a year to get here. One lousy lunch and you’re kicking us out?

COMMANDER ADAMS
We’ll be heading back, sir, the moment we’ve interviewed the other members of the Bellerophon party.

DR. MORBIUS
The others? But there are no others, Commander.

COMMANDER ADAMS
What?

DR. MORBIUS
Before the first year was out, they’d all — every man and woman — succumbed to a, well, a sort of planetary force here. Some dark, terrible, incomprehensible force.

MADISON
Guy all alone on a planet who builds himself a robot? Jerry, you might get lucky. It probably is a sex-bot.

DR. MORBIUS
Only my wife and myself were immune.

JERRY
He has a wife.

MADISON
He might be into kink.

COMMANDER ADAMS
And how do you account for your immunity, Dr. Morbius?

DR. MORBIUS
Well, my wife and I differed from the others in our special love of this new world. I remember how, when the vote was taken to return to Earth, she and I were utterly heartbroken.

OSTROW
Looking around your home, I thought Robby had some very charming feminine touches.

MADISON
Yeah. Not a single poster of a girl in a bikini spread-eagle on top of a Trans-Am. A woman must live here.

DR. MORBIUS
My dear wife died a few months after the outbreak. But in her case, it was of natural causes.

OSTROW
Oh, I’m very sorry.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, just what were the symptoms of all those other deaths? The unnatural ones, I mean.

DR. MORBIUS
The symptoms were very striking, Commander. One by one, in spite of every possible safeguard, my coworkers were torn literally limb from limb.

MADISON
Limbs torn off? That’s not a “symptom!” You don’t go to the doctor and they’re all like, “Do you have a any coughing? Sneezing? Limbs being torn from your body?”

COMMANDER ADAMS
What caused it?

DR. MORBIUS
Some devilish thing that never once showed itself.

COMMANDER ADAMS
And the Bellerophon?

DR. MORBIUS
Vaporized, as the three remaining survivors tried to take off in the ship.

COMMANDER ADAMS
And yet, in all these nineteen years, you personally have never again been bothered by this planetary force?

DR. MORBIUS
Only in nightmares of those times. I seem to feel the creature is lurking somewhere close at hand. Sly and irresistible. Waiting to be reinvoked for murder.

MADISON
Well, that’s gonna put a damper on tourism, isn’t it?

ALTA
Father?

DR. MORBIUS
Alta! I specifically asked you not to join us for lunch.

ALTA
Oh, but, Father, lunch is over. I’m sure you never said a word about not coming in for coffee.

OSTROW
A girl.

JERRY
And brother, is she terrific!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Take it easy now, Jerry.

MADISON
Yeah, careful, Jerry. I bet that robot could have you neutered.

DR. MORBIUS
This is my daughter, Alta.

ALTA
Hello.

COMMANDER ADAMS
How do you do?

OSTROW
Hello.

JERRY
Hi, there.

MADISON
S’up.

ALTA
I’ve always so terribly wanted to meet a young man, and now I’ve met three of them at once!

MADISON
I’ve met three men at once. Sounded like a good idea, but it was very labor intensive.

JERRY
Could I get you some coffee?

ALTA
Oh, I’m quite able to get it.

MADISON
Let him get it for you. The morning after, all three of ’em will be passed out and you won’t even get one of them to pour you a bowl of dry cereal.

SCENE FOUR

NARRATOR
Science fiction is known for teaching us life lessons, and hopefully from this last encounter you take away the advice of not coming on hard to the nineteen year-old daughter of your benevolent host in the middle of his very living room. Following lunch, Dr. Morbius was more than accommodating, offering to assist in any way he could to quicken the departure of Commander Adams and his crew. And who could blame him? But, unfortunately for the doctor, the Commander felt discovering an entire colony of scientists were dead, warranted a least a phone call back to Earth for further instruction. Now, for whatever reason, the C-57-D cruiser, sent on a mission specifically to check the status of Altair Four, was in no way fitted with any equipment strong enough to get word back to Earth Base. Quite an oversight, to be sure, but one Dr. Morbius was more than willing to remedy. Our story continues back at the star cruiser’s landing site where the doctor has loaned out Robby the Robot to build a transmitter that can communicate with Earth.

ROBBY
Where do you wish the shielding dropped, sir?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Uh, you can put it over there by the core. Thank you, Robby.

OSTROW
Wait a minute! That’s solid lead he’s carrying!

ROBBY
Common lead would have crushed the vehicle, sir. This is my morning’s run of isotope two-one-seven. The whole thing hardly comes to ten tons. Pardon me, sir.

OSTROW
Robby is amazing! Just think of what he could do on Earth!

JERRY
Yeah. Too bad we can’t take him back with us.

MADISON
And so begins the fateful series of events that will ultimately lead to the machines taking over the Earth.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Why, Standish, I’d have thought you’d appreciate Robby’s ability to replicate food and drink. Surely would make your job a lot easier.

MADISON
It would make it easier. And don’t call me Shirley.

JERRY
Hey, the food might be edible for once!

MADISON
Not my fault that you people can build a space ship that travels across the galaxy, but no one’s invented the microwave yet.

JERRY
Maybe you can ask Robby for some tips.

MADISON
Well, I mean, yeah… who doesn’t dream of owning a replicator. Hey, Robby! Wait up!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Doc, help me with these calculations, will you?

OSTROW
Of course, Commander.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Keep an eye on things while we’re gone, Jerry.

JERRY
You got it, Skipper. Look who’s approaching. It’s Alta. Well, the Commander did say I should keep on an eye on things.

ALTA
Hello, Lieutenant.

JERRY
Well, hello, Alta. Does your father know you’re out here?

ALTA
He did tell me not to go near the ship, but, uh, this isn’t very near, is it?

JERRY
You’d be farther away still if we took a walk.

ALTA
I’m supposed to check in with Robby.

JERRY
Oh, he’s occupied over there. Madison is following him around like a shadow. Now come on, a walk’s just what you need on a morning like this.

ALTA
Well, all right.

MADISON Hey, Robby!

ROBBY
Can I be of service, sir?

MADISON
Sir? I get it. I’m in this horrible jumpsuit and the only other woman you’ve ever seen is walking around dressed like a go-go dancer at a toga party.

ROBBY
Did you wish for a similar garment? I can produce one for you.

MADISON
No, what I wanted to ask– wait, you can?

ROBBY
Of course. I can scan your measurements and create a new garment for you in twenty-four hours.

MADISON
Well, hey, when in Rome. Toga-toga.

ROBBY
Please do not move. It is done. May I assist you with anything else?

MADISON
Yeah. So, here’s the thing, we’ve been traveling for a solid year, right? And, well, some of my supplies are… gettin’ low.

ROBBY
Which supplies are those? I am sure I can replicate them for you.

MADISON
I was hoping you’d say that! I just have about one jolt left in this bottle. Asian Rocket Bourbon. When I first found it onboard, I thought it was some sort of motor oil. Then about five months in and nothing but Tang to drink, I thought, I don’t care if I go blind, I’m drinkin’ it.

ROBBY
May I examine the contents?

MADISON
Sure.

ROBBY
Relatively simple alcoholic molecules with traces of jet fuel.

MADISON
Jet fuel? Okay, that explains the blackouts.

ROBBY
Will sixty gallons be sufficient?

MADISON
Gallons? Robby, I have been from here to there in these old timey radio shows, and I just want you to know, you are, by far, the most understanding soul I have ever met up with.

ROBBY
Tomorrow night, sir, both the bourbon and the garment will be ready. Now, if you will pardon me, Miss Alta will be waiting.

MADISON
Oh, I’ll go find her. You just keep… processing. Or whatever you’re doing.

ROBBY
As you command.

JERRY
It’s, um, nothing personal, Alta. Just a kiss.

ALTA
But, Lieutenant, why should people want to kiss each other?

JERRY
Well, it’s good for you. It stimulates the whole system. As a matter of fact, you can’t be in tip top health without it.

ALTA
I didn’t know that.

JERRY
I’d only be too happy to show you.

ALTA
Well, thank you very much, Lieutenant.

JERRY
Oh, it’s no trouble at all.

ALTA
Is that all there is to it, this kissing?

JERRY
Well, you’ve sort of got to stick with it.

ALTA
I don’t know. There must be something seriously the matter with me because, honestly, I haven’t noticed the least bit of stimulation.

JERRY
Honey, let’s do this thing right. This time, let’s really give it the works, huh? All right, honey, now just let yourself go and–

MADISON
DUDE!

ALTA
Oh, hello, Madison.

JERRY
Madison!

MADISON
You sleaze! She’s not even out of her teens yet and you gotta be, like thirty-five!

JERRY
Twenty-nine!

MADISON
Still gross.

ALTA
The Lieutenant was just showing me how to kiss. He said it was important for my health.

MADISON
See, this is what happens when kids are homeschooled.

JERRY
Madison, butt out. This isn’t part of your cooking duties.

MADISON
No, but it’s part of my womaning duties.

ALTA
Oh! So you are a woman!

MADISON
I really hate this jumpsuit.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Just what is going on out here?

JERRY
Don’t say another word, sir. I know there are a lot of pressing duties waiting for me back at the ship.

COMMANDER ADAMS
You’re right, Lieutenant.

JERRY
I’ll… uh… see you later, Alta.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dismissed!

MADISON
I’m glad you got here when you did, Commander. Clearly none of your crew have watched any of the sexual harassment training videos.

ALTA
What’s the matter? Why is everyone acting so funny?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Don’t you understand, Alta? Look at yourself. You can’t run around like that in front of men. A girl like you… after a year in a spaceship… wearing nothing but that. Particularly in front of a space wolf like Jerry.

MADISON
Are you seriously blaming her because of what she’s wearing?

ALTA
What’s wrong with my clothes?

MADISON
Nothing. You have the right to wear whatever you want. If men can’t control themselves, it’s not on you.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yes, it is! Alta, get out of here before I have you run out of the area under guard! Then I’ll have to put more guards on the guards. Now get out of here, Alta!

ALTA
Oh! You’re just terrible!

MADISON
How dare–!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish! I am your Commanding Officer and you will obey my orders. From this moment forth, you will be restricted to the galley. Do you understand?

MADISON
But–

COMMANDER ADAMS
Not open for discussion! Dismissed!

MADISON
I want to believe that attitudes towards women in the actual year of twenty-two hundred will be different. But it’s been almost seventy years since this was written and we haven’t even moved the needle an inch.

NARRATOR
Well, this is a good spot as any to have a promo break. So, let me tell you about “Irish Science Fiction” and what I’m doing over on my podcast…

PROMO “IRISH SCIENCE FICTION”

SCENE FIVE

NARRATOR
All right, enough of that, back to Madison on the Air’s adaptation of the Caltex Theatre’s adaptation of “Forbidden Planet!” So night has fallen on the distant planet of Altair Four. Two moons hang in sky, because when in a futuristic sci-fi destination, it’s all but mandatory to have excessive amounts of moons or suns to drive home the fact that this is, indeed, an alien planet. Two guards outside monitoring the perimeter around the C-57-D cruiser thought they heard something, but quickly dismissed it as wind released following another one of Madison’s stomach-unsettling dinners. As it turns out, something was there amidst the crew that night, for when everyone awoke the next morning, they quickly discovered the ship had been sabotaged, and the transmitter poor Robby had been building was destroyed beyond repair. Commander Adams assembled an away team consisting of Doc Ostrow and Madison — why Madison after she was confined to the galley? Well, it is her show after all. — So we continue the story as the three head out to confront Dr. Morbius about the sabotage.

ROBBY
I am sorry, Commander Adams, but Dr. Morbius is working at the moment.

COMMANDER ADAMS
I don’t care! Get him out here! This is urgent!

ROBBY
My orders are not to disturb him.

OSTROW
Relax, John. We can wait. I wouldn’t mind learning more about your functions, Robby, if that’s all right?

ROBBY
Of course, Doctor, come with me.

OSTROW
We’re not going anywhere in a hurry, anyway, John. Try to make the best of it.

MADISON
I could go for more of that coffee Robby replicated. On the ship, I’ve been using the same filter since April.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Fine. Just don’t wander too far.

ALTA
Hello.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Alta. I didn’t see you there.

ALTA
Do you like my new dress, Commander? It’s long, you see. Nothing shows through.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Alta, I’m sorry about the way I spoke to you yesterday.

ALTA
I had this dress made especially for you. Though I didn’t really want to see you. You looked at me in that funny way. I suppose there’s just something personally about me that you don’t like.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Alta, you always look quite beautiful.

ALTA
Well, then, why don’t you kiss me like everybody else does?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Everybody? Hasn’t your father taught you anything at all?

ALTA
Well, he says I’m terribly ignorant. But I’ve had poetry and mathematics and logic, physics and geology and… biology.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Biology? Well, of course, it was mainly on the theoretical side?

ALTA
What’s wrong with theory?

COMMANDER ADAMS
This is what’s wrong with it.

ALTA
That wasn’t at all as I felt after the Lieutenant kissed me. I feel different altogether.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Is that so?

ALTA
Yes. With him I felt no stimulation. With you I felt…

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yes?

ALTA
What is the opposite of stimulation?

COMMANDER ADAMS
I must go in the house. I have to see your father.

MADISON
Oh, girl. They wrote you so ignorant and so horny that you are one scene away from humping the pizza delivery guy.

ALTA
What do you mean?

MADISON
Let’s just say, you are every guy’s wet dream.

ALTA
Does this also have to do with biology?

MADISON
Mmmm… more like Sex-Ed.

ALTA
Oh. That’s a subject my father never taught me.

MADISON
Clearly.

ALTA
But you are learned in this subject?

MADISON
I’ve definitely earned my extra credit.

ALTA
Perhaps you can teach me.

MADISON
Uh… what do you want to know?

ALTA
Well, the kiss. The Lieutenant and the Commander both said it would stimulate me, but it did not. Am I doing something wrong?

MADISON
Nah. Not all guys do it for ya.

ALTA
Hmmm… May we try?

MADISON
To kiss? Okay.

ALTA
Oh, thank you! They said our lips touch like this… Oh! They didn’t use their tongue.

MADISON
Like a said, extra credit.

ALTA
That did feel different. May we try it again?

MADISON
Uh… sure. Damn, girl!

ALTA
Something wrong?

MADISON
Nothin’… uh… you’re a good student.

ALTA
Is there anything else besides kissing?

MADISON
Narrator! Could we get some privacy over here?

NARRATOR
Well, folks, sorry to drag you away. Uh… Unfortunately the other scene that’s underway is Dr. Morbius explaining that he did not sabotage the C-57-D cruiser and then him launching into great detail about the race that used to live on Altair IV. A bit dry by comparison — pun intended. The race were called the Krell, technologically advanced millions of light years ahead of mankind as these alien races tend to be. They’d abolished sickness, insanity, crime and all injustice within their society. Which sounds pretty nice. But then they all perished in a single night.

SCENE SIX

OSTROW
Perished?

DR. MORBIUS
Yes, Doctor. In the two thousand centuries since that unexplained catastrophe, even the cloud piercing towers of glass and porcelain and adamantine steel have crumbled back into the soil of Altair Four, and nothing, absolutely nothing, remains above the ground. It’s all here, under the ground.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Utterly incredible.

DR. MORBIUS
Well, gentlemen, already you’ve seen a certain amount. You’ve seen Krell metal, with molecules so densely interlocked that your blasters make no kind of impact on it. You’ve seen mile upon mile of self servicing, self renewing machinery, still functioning as perfectly as when it was constructed, more than two thousand centuries ago. And this is one of their many advanced laboratories.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, what’s this device?

DR. MORBIUS
Oh, one could describe that as a brain booster. There’s a headset, electrodes at each end. You can see it was designed for something far bulkier than my human cranium.

OSTROW
And its function?

DR. MORBIUS
I’ll activate it. Now, watch closely.

OSTROW
A figure’s appearing. It’s Alta!

DR. MORBIUS
Just a three-dimensional image, Dcotor. Because my daughter is alive in my brain from microsecond to microsecond. There, I remove the electrodes from my temples and the image vanishes. Ah, it’s something of a strain.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Let me try. I put the headset on, I pull this switch– now is that right?

OSTROW
A figure’s appearing! Hey, it’s Alta, too. But she’s not wearing any–

DR. MORBIUS
Stop!

COMMANDER ADAMS
But I want to–

OSTROW
We know what you want to.

DR. MORBIUS
Commander, you’ll never survive. Our benevolent Skipper tried it, it was instantly fatal to him.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Oh, so you’re immune to this too, Dr. Morbius?

DR. MORBIUS
In my first attempt at creating a brain image here, the shock rendered me unconscious for a whole day and a whole night.

OSTROW
Yet you came back for a second go at it?

DR. MORBIUS
It was a matter of science, Doctor. I have a great deal more to show you, gentlemen. Can you stay a further time away from your ship?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yes, I believe so. I’ve left Chief Quinn in charge. I’ve ordered him to set up a standard perimeter.

SCENE SEVEN

NARRATOR
And while Dr. Morbius showed Commander Adams and Doc Ostrow around a smattering of sets from the MGM lot and a series of matte paintings, back at the C-57-D landing site, Chief Quinn had been left in charge. Which kinda sucked for Jerry who outranked him and all — but Jerry was trying to make it with the girl the Commander wanted, so you can attribute this break in the chain of command to pure male ego. Quinn ran a rather impressive test of the newly erected electronic fence encircling the spacecraft. The crew members threw objects at it and it zapped them back like a bug zapper on a porch in the Everglades.

QUINN
That should keep any unwanted visitor from entering the camp.

MADISON
Uh, Quinn?

QUINN
Madison? What are you doing on that side of the fence?

MADISON
Girl, shh!

QUINN
What was that?

MADISON
Look, I forgot something. Could you do me a solid and turn off the fence for a sec so I don’t end up extra crispy?

QUINN
All right, all right. Bosun! Kill the power on the fence!

BOSUN
Aye, aye, sir!

QUINN
You’re clear to pass, Madison!

MADISON
Shh! Stop it! They’ll hear you!

ALTA
The chance of getting caught is what makes it extra fun!

QUINN
What?

MADISON
Uh… Thank you!

QUINN
Hurry it up, Madison.

MADISON
Like the wind!

BOSUN
Sir? Should we turn the power to the fence back on?

QUINN
Not yet! Wait for my command, Bosun!

BOSUN
Just feels like we’re leaving ourselves exposed for a pretty significant amount of time, sir!

QUINN
It– It’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Madison! Where are you going with that huge duffel?

MADISON
Uh… Commander Adams forgot a few things. Needed me to come back and get ’em.

QUINN
All right. Get going.

MADISON
Thanks!

QUINN
Bosun, put the power back on!

BOSUN
Aye, aye, sir! Sir! The fence appears to be shorting!

QUINN
It’s fine! No one’s coming through.

BOSUN
Isn’t it strange it’s shorting out, sir? Should we check the whole system, sir?

QUINN
We can check the whole system in the morning!

BOSUN
The morning, sir?

QUINN
Yes! The morning!

BOSUN
I thought the fence was the one priority we were given, sir. If it’s malfunctioning, shouldn’t we try to get to the bottom of it now, and not wait until the morning, considering it’s our only safeguard?

QUINN
Are you questioning my orders, Bosun?!

BOSUN
Yes.

QUINN
That’s it! I’m going in the ship. You wanna be in charge, Bosun? Congratulations! You’re in charge!

BOSUN
Woo-hoo. Field promotion.

SCENE EIGHT

NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Madison and Alta have met up with Robby the Robot in a discrete location.

ROBBY
Four hundred and eighty pints, sir, as you requested. Total, sixty gallons.

ALTA
What is all this?

MADISON
A serious party.

ALTA
Fun!

ROBBY
And your garment, sir.

MADISON
Ooo! I’ll save that for later. Now, Robby, how about you replicating some of this stuff.

ALTA
Oh! What is this? It’s long and rubber and– Oh, my! What is this for?

MADISON
It’s a little advanced for you, but I thought I’d have Robby make you one of your own.

ALTA
How thoughtful.

MADISON
Here, Robby.

ROBBY
Anything else?

MADISON
Oh, yeah. I’m making sure she’s well stocked.

ALTA
Ooo! Pretty beads!

SCENE NINE

NARRATOR
Well, this is the “Theater of the Mind” at it’s finest. So, back at Dr. Morbius’ residence, Commander Adams and the Doc are trying to convince Morbius that he shouldn’t be able to control all of the super powerful alien technology and that the Earth government should be able to control all of the super powerful alien technology. Morbius thinks with his souped-up brain he’s superior and the best to make any decisions. And, really, with the alternative being a government of any kind, there really is no right answer here. Then, just as their heated discussion is reaching an impasse, the Commander is hailed from his ship.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, in the absence of special instructions, you leave me in a very awkward position. One moment. Commander Adams speaking.

JERRY
Commander, this is Jerry.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yes, what is it?

JERRY
Skipper, Quinn’s been murdered.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Quinn? Murdered?

JERRY
He was alone in the ship. The rest of us were all outside on guard duty. His, uh, body’s been plastered all over the galley.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Right. Leave everything as it is. We’re on our way. Come on, Doc.

DR. MORBIUS
I warned you while your ship was still in space. I begged you not to land on the planet. Believe me, Commander, that’s only a foretaste.

COMMANDER ADAMS
What?

DR. MORBIUS
Remain here, and the next attack upon your party will be more deadly.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Dr. Morbius, how do you know that?

DR. MORBIUS
Know? Well, I… I seem to visualize it. If you wish, call it a premonition.

OSTROW
I bet it was that robot of yours. Yeah. You made such a big show about how it couldn’t harm rational life. What if that was all an act for our benefit?

DR. MORBIUS
No! It’s true! Robby cannot harm any rational beings!

MADISON
And, besides, Robby was with us.

ALTA
Hello, Father.

DR. MORBIUS
Alta! Where have you been?

OSTROW
And why are you holding hands with Madison?

MADISON
Don’t be jealous.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish! Come on, we have to get back to the ship.

MADISON
Catch ya later, Alta.

ALTA
Call me!

SCENE TEN

NARRATOR
A short bit later, back on the C-57-D cruiser…

COMMANDER ADAMS
Doc, that’s the foot of whatever it was that killed Chief Quinn last night?

OSTROW
Yes. I made this plaster model from the footprints we found. And the terrifying thing, Skipper, is that this runs counter to every known law of evolution.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Jerry, what have we discovered from Quinn’s remains?

JERRY
Madison is inspecting the galley now, Skipper. Commander, you, uh, ready to hold discipline on Madison?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Yes, bring her to the bridge.

MADISON
Well, I hope you don’t expect me to clean that up! It looks like Quinn was stuffed in a blender, they hit purée and then forgot to put on the lid.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Jerry, here, says the electronic fence was deactivated in order to allow you passage.

MADISON
Oh! You’re not trying to hang this on me? What? Just because I could get Alta hot and bothered and you couldn’t?

COMMANDER ADAMS
That has nothing to do–

OSTROW
Uh, Commander! Maybe you and I ought to drop over to the Krell laboratory and get our brains boosted. Then maybe we could understand all this.

MADISON
I’ll go, too!

COMMANDER ADAMS
You’ll do nothing of the sort!

MADISON
I left some of my… things there with Robby. I have to get ’em back. They’re… precious to me.

JERRY
Skipper! Radar just picked up something. At the top of the gully, heading this way.

COMMANDER ADAMS
On com. Automatic control. Batteries. Fire!

MADISON
Geez! You don’t even know what it is and you just fired on it?

JERRY
Dead on target, Skipper, but it’s still coming.

BOSUN
I’ll stop it!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Get back, Bosun!

MADISON
Whoa! That was a stupid and unnecessary death.

JERRY
Skipper, it’s still coming!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Batteries, fire!

JERRY
Still coming, sir!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Fire! FIRE! FIIIIIRE!

NARRATOR
And while the movie version of “Forbidden Planet” produced a pretty impressive battle scene for the 1950s, unfortunately, they didn’t do much with it for the radio drama, so just like that, the monster disappeared as quickly as it came, and the Commander and Doc proceeded to yammer on about what it was, and what to do next. Ultimately, it was decided that Dr. Morbius and Alta should be removed from the planet, by force if necessary, and all of the alien technology destroyed — because if humans don’t understand something, the most obvious conclusion is always to blow it to smithereens. So the Commander, Doc and Madison — who insisted she needed to retrieve her things or else she would make the return journey back miserable for all parties concerned — hurried to retrieve the mad scientist doctor and his new-to-the-pleasures-of-womanhood, daughter.

SCENE ELEVEN

OSTROW
So now we just pick up the girl and her father, whether they like it or not, do we?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Section 86A, evacuate all civilians from disaster area.

MADISON
It wasn’t a disaster area until we got here.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish, what are you wearing? You’re completely out of uniform.

MADISON
Excuse me, but I was up to my ankles in Chief Quinn-goo and had to change out of my jumpsuit.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Well, it’s… it’s rather revealing.

MADISON
Control your hormones, Commander. Unlike Alta, I’ve defended myself against Frat boys and know where to strike to cause optimum damage.

OSTROW
Skipper, I’m still concerned about our departure. If you remember the Bellerophon expedition, their ship was vaporized trying to lift off.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Which makes it a gilt-edge priority that I get into that Krell lab and take the brain boost.

MADISON Why you?

OSTROW
Yeah, why you?

COMMANDER ADAMS
Well, I don’t know of any other way we can hope to combat this thing.

OSTROW
You remember what Morbius said happened when the Bellerophon’s Commander took that brain boost?

ALTA
Madison!

COMMANDER ADAMS
My, god. Right in front of us?

OSTROW
Uh-huh.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Standish! Stand-down!

ALTA
Oh, I’m so glad to see you. So glad! And I love what you’re wearing!

MADISON
Right? Robby is amazing. I can’t wait to see his Fall line.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Excuse me? We were attacked by a monster. Men died. If that matters to you.

ALTA
Not really.

MADISON
Yeah, hey, so, Alta. We gotta get you and your dad outta here.

COMMANDER ADAMS
We have to see to your safety. We fought the monster and lost, and I believe it’ll come back.

ALTA
My father will never agree to leave.

MADISON
Well, ya know, it’s up to you guys.

ALTA
I can’t leave you!

MADISON
Ow! She’s like a boa constrictor with boobs.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Then come with us.

ALTA
I can’t possibly leave father alone. I just can’t!

MADISON
Can you let me breathe?

ALTA
Oh, darling, darling, please go. Please, if you love me, go.

MADISON
Okay.

COMMANDER ADAMS
You need to come with us. You and your father are not immune. No one could be immune to that thing!

ALTA
I can’t go!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Doc, can you talk some sense into her? Hey, Doc. Where is he? The Doc was right here.

MADISON
I might need a doctor. I think she dislocated both of my shoulders.

ROBBY
Here is the doctor, sir.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Doc…

ALTA
Lay him on the sofa, Robby.

MADISON
Hey, in the poster Robby is carrying Alta. But in the story he actually carries the doctor? Makes him look like a little kid being carried to bed by his daddy.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Door’s open to the laboratory. Doc? You took the brain boost?

OSTROW
You ought to see my new mind. Up there in lights, on the indicator. Bigger than Morbius!

MADISON
It’s always about size with men.

ALTA
What is?

MADISON
Don’t worry, I got you some options.

OSTROW
Listen, Morbius was too close to the problem. The Krell… the Krell had completed their final project. True creation… creation of life. But they forgot one thing.

MADISON
Refrigeration?

COMMANDER ADAMS
What?

MADISON
If you’re creating life, you don’t want it to spoil.

OSTROW
Monsters. Monsters… from the… inn.

COMMANDER ADAMS
The inn? What do you mean, Doc? Doc!

MADISON
The inn? What? They’re monsters because they didn’t get their continental breakfast?

ALTA
Oh, darling!

MADISON
Damn, girl, you are clingy.

DR. MORBIUS
How romantic.

ALTA
Father!

MADISON
Ah! Alta, we need to talk about personal boundaries.

COMMANDER ADAMS
The Doc is dead.

DR. MORBIUS
He was warned and now he’s paid. As though his ape’s brain could contain the secrets of the Krell.

ALTA
Father, you’ve chosen for me. Madison, I’m ready to go with you.

DR. MORBIUS
Alta, no. She mustn’t do this. She must be prevented–

MADISON
She is old enough to make her own decisions. Maybe not mentally but… definitely physically.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Morbius, as Doc was dying he said the brain booster showed him the “inn.” What is the “inn”?

DR. MORBIUS
The inn? You mean the “id.” It’s, well, it’s an obsolete term once used to describe the elementary basis of the subconscious mind.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Monsters from the id, the subconscious mind.

DR. MORBIUS
What?

NARRATOR
Oh, I got this! The alien technology was operated by the electromagnetic impulses of individual Krell brains and, in return, that machine would instantaneously project solid matter to any point on the planet. Creation by mere thought. But the Krell forgot one deadly danger. Their own subconscious hate and lust for destruction. So those mindless beasts of the subconscious had access to a machine that could never be shut down. The secret devil of every soul on the planet, all set free to maim, take revenge and kill. Phew! Everybody got that? Good stuff! We’re almost there!

DR. MORBIUS
But the last Krell died some two thousand centuries ago. Yet there’s still a living monster at large upon this planet. A monster created by the subconscious mind of someone.

COMMANDER ADAMS
Your mind refuses to face the conclusion.

DR. MORBIUS
What?

MADISON
Dude, it’s you.

DR. MORBIUS
Me?

ROBBY
Morbius. Morbius.

MADISON
What he said.

ROBBY
Morbius, something is approaching from the southwest. Breaking down trees in its path, quite close.

COMMANDER ADAMS
The monster! That thing out there, is you! It was your subconscious that created it!

DR. MORBIUS
It doesn’t matter! Alta and I are immune!

ALTA
I am not immune, Father. I’ve joined myself, body and soul, with Madison!

MADISON
What now?

DR. MORBIUS
Say it’s a lie! Say you don’t love this woman!

ALTA
Not even if I could!

MADISON
Whoa! “Love”? Hey, we had a good time, but–

DR. MORBIUS
Stop it, Robby! Don’t let it in! Kill it, Robby!

COMMANDER ADAMS
Robby can do nothing, Morbius! He knows it’s your other self.

ALTA
Robby’s circuits are overheating!

MADISON
Danger, Will Robinson!

DR. MORBIUS
I am not a monster!

COMMANDER ADAMS
We’re all part monsters in our subconscious. That’s why we have laws and religion.

MADISON
Yeah! Because human beings won’t be good unless they have fear of negative consequences! And even then…

ALTA
Father!

COMMANDER ADAMS
If you don’t do something about it soon, Morbius, your monster is going to be coming right through that door!

DR. MORBIUS
Solid Krell metal? Impossible!

COMMANDER ADAMS
The machines are going to supply your monster with whatever amount of power is required.

DR. MORBIUS
My evil self is at that door and I have no power to stop it. help us!

ALTA
Father, you can help us!

MADISON
Somebody better do something quick or we’ll all be puréed!

DR. MORBIUS
Yes, I can help you. Commander, throw that switch.

COMMANDER ADAMS
This?

DR. MORBIUS
Yes, throw it. In twenty four hours, the Krell furnaces…. A chain reaction has begun. Can’t be reversed. You must go far away. Take Alta with you, please.

ALTA
Father!

DR. MORBIUS
Go! Quickly!

COMMANDER ADAMS
We must hurry!

MADISON
Typical! Using self-destruction to avoid dealing with your own responsibility to the problem and forcing everyone around you to deal with the fallout!

SCENE TWELVE

NARRATOR
And so the C-57-D space cruiser got the heck outta Dodge. The Commander made sure to make Alta watch the monitor as her home planet of Altair Four, and her father, exploded and were completely obliterated. Making the Commander a bit less like a good guy and a bit more like Grand Moff Tarkin testing the Death Star on Alderaan. His comfort to her was simply:

COMMANDER ADAMS
About a million years from now, the human race will have crawled up to where the Krells stood in their great moment of triumph and tragedy. Your father’s name will shine again like a beacon in the galaxy. It’ll remind us that we are, after all, not God.

NARRATOR
Thereby smacking us directly between the eyes with the heavy handed moral of our story. But what became of Madison and Alta, you may be asking yourself? Well, Madison, not quite prepared at this stage in her life to make any real commitments — what with being trapped in old time radio shows and being far too immature for a healthy relationship — went on to her next show. Alta, a product of what the 1950s imagined the future to be, became “roommates” with a lady Volleyball coach and lived happily ever after. So ends our adaptation of the Caltex play, “Forbidden Planet.” We hope you laughed a little, and learned a little. I’ve been your narrator, Brian Sexton. Thank you for listening!

EPILOGUE

MADISON
The Caltex Theater started in 1941 as the Macquarie Radio Theatre — Macquarie being the network that aired the program — but changed to the Caltex Theatre in 1947 after sponsorship was taken over by the Caltex Oil Company, a division of Chevron. The series ran Sunday nights at eight p.m. throughout the 40s and 50s, becoming Australia’s answer to Hollywood’s Lux Radio Theater, broadcasting hour long adaptations of popular books and movies of the era. “Forbidden Planet” was a natural choice for the series to adapt, being a groundbreaking science fiction film, the first to depict humans traveling through space in a man- made, faster-than-the- speed-of-light ship, and being entirely set on a far off planet. A movie that would influence all sci-fi for generations to come.