MADISON ON THE AIR: “DIMENSION X: THE PARADE”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JULY 2021
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
Now tonight’s adventure into the unknown world of the future. Where anything can happen. The world of… Dimension X.
MADISON
Uh, Mr. Ryan?
RYAN
Madison! I’ve asked you several times to use the intercom to speak with me in my office!
MADISON
Dude, your technology is so old, the only thing I recognize on my desk are the pens.
RYAN
Well a good secretary–
MADISON
Who says I’m a “good” secretary?
RYAN
The agency who sent you to me.
MADISON
Yeah, you got hustled.
LOU-SHAR
Excuse me, you are Mr. Sid Ryan?
RYAN
Oh, great, Madison, now you’ve got people wandering in off the street into my office! You are my first line of defense. This is why you sit out there — at the desk — and why you use an INTERCOM!!
MADISON
Okay. Not a problem. Sir.
LOU-SHAR
But, I–
MADISON
Just a moment. Mr. Ryan?
RYAN
Yes, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Your two o’clock is here.
RYAN
What?! That dolt who just came to the door is my new client?!
MADISON
I might not understand this “intercom” stuff, but by the look on his face, he just heard everything you said.
RYAN
Send him in, Madison! Just, send him in!
MADISON
Right away, sir.
RYAN
Well, I– hope you enjoyed our little gag. We, uh, like to keep things fun here at Publicity Associates!
LOU-SHAR
“Gag”… you say?
RYAN
Yup. A real rib-tickler, right, Madison?
MADISON
Yeah. I haven’t laughed that hard since my last pap smear.
RYAN
Uh, please come in, sit down.
LOU-SHAR
Thank you.
RYAN
Madison! Get the client a cigar!
MADISON
I will never get used to all the smoking in these old timey radio shows.
LOU-SHAR
Thank you, no.
RYAN
Madison! Shut the door so I can talk to mister, uh–
LOU-SHAR
My name is Lou-shar. I am a Martian.
RYAN
Pleased to meet you, Mr. Lou– What was that again?
LOU-SHAR
A Martian.
RYAN
A Martian, eh? As in Orson Welles?
MADISON
I was thinking Matt Damon.
RYAN
Madison! Why are you still here?
MADISON
I dunno. Take dictation or something? What do 1950’s secretaries do?
RYAN
Just… sit down and be quiet. So… um… a “Martian” you say?
LOU-SHAR
Precisely.
RYAN
Well! Now that we’ve had our little joke, Mr. Lou-shar, what can Publicity Associates do for you?
LOU-SHAR
It has been my observation that advertising and publicity are the very back bone of earthly civilizations.
MADISON
Yeah, that tracks.
RYAN
Spoken like a true Martian. Now, if you’ll tell me the name of the client…
LOU-SHAR
The client, of course, will be the Martians.
RYAN
You don’t give up, do you?
LOU-SHAR
Give up?
RYAN
The gag, I mean. Look, I’m sorry if we started off on the wrong foot. But you see the secretary they saddled me with.
MADISON
You’re no bowl of Cherry Garcia, either.
LOU-SHAR
So, you do not believe I am a Martian?
RYAN
Should I be calling the sanitarium you escaped from and tell them to bring the butterfly net?
LOU-SHAR
I am happy to see, Mr. Ryan, that my telling you I am a Martian has approximately the effect I supposed it would have. I believe we could do business. I have here a cash retainer of five thousand dollars.
RYAN
Five thou– Five thousand? Madison! Get Mr. Lou-shar a brandy.
MADISON
Be sure to tip your waitress.
LOU-SHAR
I do not require a drink, thank you. Now, Mr. Ryan, I wish for you to manage a publicity campaign. A very large, a very important campaign.
RYAN
Is the product established or is it something brand new?
LOU-SHAR
Oh, something quite new. What would you judge to be the most effective type of campaign?
MADISON
Definitely something with a catchy jingle. I still sing the Oscar Meyer bologna song and I’m vegan.
RYAN
Madison! I thought you were getting the brandy.
MADISON
He didn’t want any.
RYAN
But I do.
MADISON
Uck, fine. How many ice cubes do you want?
RYAN
In brandy?!
LOU-SHAR
Perhaps I should come back at another time–
RYAN
No, no, no! Uh, Miss Standish was just joking again.
LOU-SHAR
You have a very… cheery atmosphere here.
MADISON
Wait’ll you see what they pay us. You’ll laugh your ass off.
RYAN
Anyway… I think the most effective campaign, well, if the client has a lot of dough to throw around… is a suspense campaign.
LOU-SHAR
Suspense campaign, you say?
RYAN
Yeah. First, you place ads in the paper saying “watch this space.” Then, about a week later, you run an ad saying… whatever — “XYZ” — and you get people guessing what it means. Then, finally, when you’ve teased them enough, you bust loose and unveil the product.
MADISON
Well, it’s no “Got Milk” but it might work.
LOU-SHAR
Excellent. Very well, sir, we shall conduct a “suspense campaign.”
RYAN
Of course, in this kind of campaign, secrecy is very important. Once the name of the product leaks out, it spreads like wildfire and the whole campaign is kerfloppo.
MADISON
“Kerfloppo” being a technical term in advertising that means Kendall Jenner signed with Pepsi.
RYAN
You realize, of course, Mr. Lou-shar, that these types of campaigns cost like crazy.
LOU-SHAR
Would you say… one million dollars should cover the expense?
RYAN
Why yes, I imagine it– you did say one million dollars?
MADISON
It’s so cute that in the 50s you think a million dollars is a lot of money. In my day, you can’t even get a two bedroom bungalow in the valley for that.
LOU-SHAR
I understood that you had handled some very large accounts. Of course, if this is too big–
RYAN
Oh, no, no no, not at all, not at all! As a matter of fact, I seldom touch anything less. Right, Madison?
MADISON
How do I know? It’s my first day.
LOU-SHAR
Good. You will begin then by saturating the public with a very simple statement. I shall write it for you.
RYAN
The… Martians… Are… Coming. Huh. Say, that’s not a bad teaser. Got that, Madison?
MADISON
We’re teasing Martians. Got it.
LOU-SHAR
The next ad will read, “June first is Martian Day.”
RYAN
Madison!
MADISON
What?
RYAN
Write that down!
MADISON
“June first is Martian Day.” There. I memorized it.
RYAN
So, what happens on June first?
LOU-SHAR
The parade takes place.
RYAN
What parade?
MADISON
The National Nail Polish Day parade! No, seriously, June first is National Nail Polish Day, Google it. I’m open for sponsors from O.P.I., Essie or China Glaze.
LOU-SHAR
Mr. Ryan, I wish you to arrange a parade up Fifth Avenue.
RYAN
You mean like the, eh, Macy parade?
LOU-SHAR
Exactly. Except that the theme will be “The World of Tomorrow.” The Martian world. My client would like it to be a gay affair–
MADISON
Gay pride parade!!!
RYAN
Say, that sounds terrific!
MADISON
Dang it, I don’t think I brought my rainbow tube top.
LOU-SHAR
The parade will climax the campaign on June first. At that time, the product will be unveiled.
RYAN
Good enough. By the way, Mr. Lou-shar, just what is the product? What are we selling?
LOU-SHAR
Oh, no, no, no, no, Mr. Ryan, secrecy, remember?
RYAN
Aw, but after all–
LOU-SHAR
All will be revealed to you in good time, Mr. Ryan. For the moment, let us say we are selling… a concept.
RYAN
A concept?
LOU-SHAR
Precisely. The concept of… Invasion from Mars.
MADISON
I love immersive theater! Always sign the “okay to be touched” waiver. You will not be disappointed.
SCENE TWO
BENNY
Marcus Talent Agency.
MADISON
Uh, Benny Marcus, please?
BENNY
This is Benny.
MADISON
Oh. Hi. This is Madison Standish at Sid Ryan’s office at Publicity Associates.
BENNY
Sure, anything for Sid. Whatcha need?
MADISON
Uh, hang on, he gave me a list. Ohhhh, no. I can’t say this.
RYAN
Is there a problem, Madison?
MADISON
I’m not saying this!
RYAN
What? Why not?
MADISON
And I’m judging you for even having written it!
RYAN
You’re nuts! Transfer that call in here.
MADISON
Like I know which one is the transfer button!
RYAN
Gimme the phone.
MADISON
Happily.
RYAN
Benny? It’s Sid.
BENNY
Sounds like you got a Secretary of the Year over there.
RYAN
I swear, Benny, if I wasn’t in such a pinch, I’d personally introduce her to the unemployment line.
MADISON
You’re really great for office morale.
RYAN
Listen, Benny, how’re you fixed–
MADISON
Here it comes.
RYAN
–for midgets?
MADISON
And… he said it.
BENNY
I got midgets.
MADISON
Oh, my god, 1950s. Why?
RYAN
Fine. I need forty midgets for a parade. Forty midgets for June first.
MADISON
Stop saying midgets! Ah!!! Now I said midgets! Ahh!!! Now I said it again!!!
RYAN
And listen, Benny, I want the midgets dressed in little space suits. You know, like men from Mars. You got that?
BENNY
Mm-hmm. Midgets.
MADISON
I’m gonna go sit over here and put my head between my legs, okay?
RYAN
And I want some movie extras — maybe fifty of them — also rigged up like men from Mars. Make them look gruesome. Got that?
BENNY
Gruesome.
RYAN
And never mind the expense. Just get me the talent, okay?
BENNY
I’ll try, Sid.
RYAN
I gotta hang up now. Talk to ya later, Benny. How are you doing, Madison?
MADISON
I’m a little dizzy but–
RYAN
No! I mean how are you doing with those newspaper ads and radio spots I told you to place?
MADISON
Sorry, for a half a second I thought you cared about people besides yourself.
RYAN
The more it costs, the bigger our percentage. Spend like you’re going to the electric chair!
MADISON
Spend like what?! Ohmahgod, I think I’m dizzy again.
RYAN
I tell ya, if this parade comes off, it will be the biggest thing since Barnum invented the midget.
MADISON
Okay, I just puked a little in my mouth.
RYAN
I’ve got Macys, Gimbals and Saks to contribute floats. Everything is built around the Martian theme, see? Even the horses will have long feelers attached to them and funny looking extra legs. It’ll be a sensation!
MADISON
Yeah, just add a giant Marvin the Martian balloon that’ll tear apart and crush the crowd and woo-hoo! You’ve got a winner.
RYAN
And you can congratulate me. I’ve done some sleuthing and figured out just what this “Lou-shar’s” got us selling.
MADISON
If you’re waiting for me to be impressed, you might want to order dinner.
RYAN
I’ve learned that Century Pictures is making a big new epic. A space opera entitled, “Invasion from Mars.” And the movie just happens to be premiering sometime around June first. Ya follow me?
MADISON
Don’t movie studios have their own marketing departments?
RYAN
Well, New Features Syndicate has the publicity contract with them, but suppose Century Pictures doesn’t like the way their publicity is being handled? They want to get out of the contract, but New Features says, “No.” So they have to get around the contract. A man named Lou-shar starts publicizing the Martian invasion. Need I go further?
MADISON
I’d be happier if you didn’t.
RYAN
Why don’t you just… go run those errands I told you to do.
MADISON
Maybe I’ll head over to the docks. Drunk sailors are more P.C. than you.
SCENE THREE
RYAN
Let me talk to Commissioner Patrick, please, Sid Ryan.
PATRICK
Hello?
RYAN
Commish? Sid Ryan.
PATRICK
Oh, it’s you. Well, what is it this time? If you want to drop a man off the Empire State Building into a tea cup full of water, the answer is, “No.”
RYAN
Nothing like that, Patrick. I want a permit for a parade June first. Fifth Avenue. It’s a Sunday, there’s no traffic.
PATRICK
Oh, come now… Look, Ryan–
RYAN
Macys gets a permit. Gimbals gets a permit. Don’t give me a hard time, Patrick. This is too big!
PATRICK
Okay, Ryan. Fill out the forms. I’ll pass it along to the License Commissioner.
RYAN
That’s my boy!
PATRICK
By the way, what’s the occasion?
RYAN
Don’t you read the papers, Patrick? June first is Martian Day!
SCENE FOUR
LOU-SHAR
Well, Mr. Ryan, how is the campaign going?
RYAN
Like fire, Mr. Lou-shar, like fire. Everybody and his brother are going along with the gag. Yesterday we distributed fifty-thousand Martian hats to school kids.
MADISON
“We” distributed? I don’t remember you driving every bridge and tunnel in the four boroughs — yes I said “four” — they won’t let me back in Queens.
RYAN
I even arranged for Commissioner Patrick to accept a fifty-thousand dollar check for the Policeman’s Benevolent Fund from the “Man from Mars.”
LOU-SHAR
Excellent.
RYAN
I, um, understand Century Pictures spent over a million bucks making that space opera.
MADISON
There you go being impressed by a million dollars again. One million dollars to make a space movie? Well, that explains why your 1950’s special effects suck.
LOU-SHAR
Space opera?
RYAN
Oh, come, come, Mr. Lou-shar. Sid Ryan wasn’t born yesterday. I know who our client is, even if you don’t admit it.
LOU-SHAR
Well, as long as you know, let’s keep it to ourselves, shall we, Mr. Ryan? As you once remarked, if these things leak out, it destroys the surprise and ruins the effectiveness of the campaign.
MADISON
That reminds me. Can I ask? Do you know how binding a non-disclosure agreement is? Because according to Tom Cruise’s lawyers, the answer is “very.”
SCENE FIVE
HIGHLAND
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Ron Highland speaking to you from our portable transmitter atop the reviewing stand for the much heralded Martian Parade on Fifth Avenue. With me is the lovely Madison Standish who helped to put this gay affair together.
MADISON
Thanks, Ron. Oh, it’s a beautiful sun lit day here in New York. A perfect day for a parade. Not like when I was here for New Years. O.M.G. I was hoping to get on camera for the ball drop so I wore this cute little sequined dress. Let me just tell you, sequins
are not thermal. My boobs were so frozen, I nearly lost a nipple.
HIGHLAND
Hey, hey! Okay! Yeah… so… um… the streets are packed with thousands of spectators all eager to find out what this is all about. While we’re waiting here for the arrival of the parade, Madison brought some people up to our microphone to tell you their reactions to the spectacular event.
MADISON
Thank you, Ron. What is your name, Madame?
MRS. SHAKLEY
My name is Mrs. Ada Shakley.
MADISON
And where are you from, Mrs. Shakley?
LITTLE BOY
Mama! I want candy!
MADISON
Shut up you little spawn. We’re live on the radio!
HIGHLAND
Yes, Madison, we are live. Perhaps not the best time to be calling children “little spawn.”
MADISON
You try giving out a couple thousand “Martian” hats to a bunch of kids in the Bronx and see what you call ’em.
HIGHLAND
So… uh… where did you say you were from, Mrs. Shakley?
MRS. SHAKLEY
Columbus, Ohio.
HIGHLAND
Oh, I see. And are you in New York for a vay–
LITTLE BOY
Candy!!
HIGHLAND
Vay–
LITTLE BOY
Candy!!!
HIGHLAND
Vay–
LITTLE BOY
CANDY!!!
HIGHLAND
–VACATION!!!
MADISON
I think you spiked the needle into the red on that one, Ron.
HIGHLAND
So, what do you think of Martian Day, Mrs. Shakley?
MRS. SHAKLEY
Well, it all seems very strange to me, but the boys have been pestering me to watch it. So we’ve been standing here for two hours.
MADISON
Two hours? One year I spent a full week staking out a place for the Rose Parade. That’s the year I learned to pee in a Big Gulp cup.
MRS. SHAKLEY
I sure hope it starts soon. I can’t make heads or tails of any of it.
HIGHLAND
Neither can a lot of other people, Mrs. Shakley, but judging by the thousands already here, there’s a lot of curiosity.
MRS. SHAKLEY
Curiosity killed the cat!
LITTLE BOY
MAMA!!! CANDY!!!
MADISON
And Madison killed your kid.
HIGHLAND
Thank you, Mrs. Shakley. Now here they come, Ladies and Gentlemen, the first units of the Martian parade swinging down Fifth Avenue with fanfare, colored streamers, music, confetti, floats –all the fixings of Mardi Gras.
MADISON
Mardi Gras? Quick! Unhook my bra.
HIGHLAND
Okay, um… Hey! I can see the first group approaching now. Leading the march is as a delightful vanguard of little midgets!
MADISON
Little people! They are people, ya know!
HIGHLAND
Well, they look like spacemen to me! That’s right, the midgets are all in weird looking pink and blue space suits carrying what appears to be… yes… atomic blasters!
MADISON
Oh, you’ve got a long road ahead of you, Peter Dinklage.
HIGHLAND
And here come the clowns! Laughing and falling all over each other. They’re giving free sugar candy to the kids along the way.
LITTLE BOY
CANDY!!!
MADISON
Whoa. Mrs. Shakley’s kid’s got some muscle on him. You see him knock over those two cops?
HIGHLAND
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, there’s a happy, laughing crowd along Fifth Avenue today, a core reflection of the great sense of humor and good nature that makes America the place it is.
MADISON
At least on the surface — if you ignore all of the institutionalized prejudices keeping women and people of color from advancing in all aspects of this society–
HIGHLAND
The crowd is murmuring now.
MADISON
Did I just start the Woke movement sixty years early? I gotta teach you guys about hashtags.
HIGHLAND
There’s something coming. I’ll try to get it for you. Madison, can you see it?
MADISON
It… looks like a bunch of soldiers marching?
HIGHLAND
Ah, yes! Ladies and Gentlemen, here comes the Martian contingent. This promises to be the climax of the show.
MADISON
They could use a little Razzle Dazzle. And that’s a fact, Jack.
HIGHLAND
Now here they come, Ladies and Gentlemen, the Martians are marching in pointed helmeted ranks. Row after row of them. This is an impressive sight, Ladies and Gentlemen. A rather serious context around the rest of the joyous slapstick parade we’ve been witnessing up until now. What are your thoughts, Madison?
MADISON
Uh… there’s probably, I dunno, two hundred dudes in silver space suits with, like, big glass visors over their faces. Pretty Martian cliche, really. I’m gonna have to go with only two stars to the costumer.
HIGHLAND
Each Martian soldier is holding an ominous looking ray gun at the ready position.
MADISON
Okay, the ray guns look pretty good. We’re talkin’ Star Wars quality, here.
HIGHLAND
They are marching in absolute silence. Each step perfectly as though some unspoken command was marking it for them. Even the children are awed by the unexpected war like realism of the marching legions. And now the first ranks of the Martians move past us
down Fifth Avenue toward the reviewing stands at the Square. No one moves. A woman! A woman, Ladies and Gentlemen, just dashed out into the street! For what reason, I don’t know.
MADISON
Well, I can tell her from experience, that this won’t get her on the jumbo-tron, and the Dodgers absolutely will press charges.
HIGHLAND
She just slipped through the police cordons somehow — They’re after her now, but she’s already reached the ranks of the Martians and she’s trying– she’s trying to lift the visor of one of the Martians’ faces.
MADISON
Let’s hope the superglue holds on that cheap helmet.
HIGHLAND
Wait! Wait! She’s falling! She screamed and then she fell forward into a dead faint! The Martian column keeps right on coming. They’re going to trample her!
MADISON
Ohhh… I hope they’re not wearing cleats like Kershaw.
HIGHLAND
The police have got her now and are dragging her away. The incident seems to have cast a slight shadow over the mood of the crowd.
The carefree holiday air seems to have vanished. It’s just a shame that anything like this should spoil our enjoyment of the Martian parade.
MADISON
Yeah, no body likes to see a military parade get too serious.
SCENE SIX
RYAN
Well, Madison, how’s it going out there at the reviewing stand?
MADISON
Pretty good, but did you see that woman run out into the parade?
RYAN
I’m well aware of that, Madison, since I paid her fifty bucks to do it.
MADISON
Fifty bucks?
RYAN
The dramatic moment, Madison, the stock and trade of the good publicity man.
MADISON
You’re paying me a fifty for the whole week!
RYAN
And you’re worth every cent.
MADISON
You want a parade stopped, you shoulda asked me. Two years in a row, Bourbon Street. A float pile up that had me drownding in beads.
RYAN
Keep your beads, Madison. For my share in this deal, roughly one hundred thousand dollars, I’m gonna be a publicity legend.
MADISON
You’re like Don Draper without the sex appeal.
RYAN
Shut the window.
MADISON
You don’t want to watch your masterpiece, Picasso?
RYAN
We’ll go down to the reviewing stand for the finish. Right now I want to make a phone call. Oh, by the way, where is Lou-shar?
MADISON
No clue.
RYAN
Well, close the window, Madison.
MADISON
Said the guy making a hundred thousand to the employee he’s paying fifty bucks. Freakin’ Bezos. Do you need anything else, Boss, or can I go back to my sad little desk and contemplate the current direction of my miserable life?
RYAN
Yeah, yeah, go.
MADISON
No wonder career women of the 50s just bided time until they landed a husband.
BENNY
Marcus Talent Agency.
RYAN
Benny? This is Sid Ryan.
BENNY
Oh, uh, say, listen, Sid, I was gonna call you. I’m, I’m awful sorry about those Martians.
RYAN
What do you mean, “Sorry”?
MADISON
Did he get backlash from the Little People community?
RYAN
Benny, the Martians are terrific!
BENNY
Oh, don’t joke, Sid. I mean it.
RYAN
I mean it, too. They’re great!
BENNY
You do mean it, don’t you?
RYAN
Of course I mean it. What is this?
BENNY
There were Martians in the parade?
RYAN
About a hundred and fifty. Of course, I only ordered fifty–
BENNY
Sid, don’t you know? I couldn’t get you a single movie extra. There’s a studio strike in New York.
RYAN
A studio strike?
MADISON
If the extras are striking now, they must’ve lost. In my day, background actors are treated like abused dogs crammed together in a hoarder’s house.
RYAN
Wait a minute… then where did these guys come from if you didn’t hire them?
BENNY
I don’t know.
RYAN
Okay, Benny, I’ll call you back.
MADISON
I coulda told you those weren’t extras. No one was asking where crafty was.
RYAN
I don’t know. I just don’t know. I wonder if Lou-shar hired them. What’s the number for Century Pictures?
MADISON
And without Google, I would find that number… how?
RYAN
It’s in the rolodex.
MADISON
This blank expression is me having no idea what word you just said.
RYAN
Never mind! I’m starting to think I’m over-paying you. Here. Read this to me so I can dial.
MADISON
I thought you needed the phone number for Century Pictures.
RYAN
That is the phone number for Century Pictures!
MADISON
No, it’s not. It’s some guy’s number. “Murray Hill.”
RYAN
Give me that! “Murray Hill five — nine-nine-five-five.”
MADISON
Wait, phone numbers in the 50s are only five digits? In my day, if you see a five digit number, you know they’re only selling an extended car warranty.
RYAN
I dialed “Murray Hill” first. What do you think the letters are for?
MADISON
Texting. I thought texting on my flip phone was hard, but doing it on a rotary phone practically dislocated my thumbs.
OPERATOR
Century Pictures, the studio of the stars.
RYAN
Get me Marty Sanford, your Publicity Director.
OPERATOR
One moment, please.
MARTY
Sanford.
RYAN
Yeah, Marty, this is Sid Ryan.
MARTY
Oh, hello, Sid. How’s the–
RYAN
Fine, fine. Listen, Marty, this is dead serious, on the level. Get it?
MARTY
What’s wrong?
RYAN
I’ve got to locate Lou-shar.
MARTY
Lou… who?
RYAN
Lou-shar. Come on now, Marty, this is life and death. The guy you sent over to hire me for the invasion picture.
MARTY
I’ve never heard of a guy named Lou-shar. And, uh, what invasion picture?
RYAN
Invasion from Mars. The space opera.
MARTY
Are you batty? That picture was shelved last month.
RYAN
What?
MARTY
Sure, back in the can. Big shots decided you can’t sell a Martian invasion to the American public. It’s too incredible. Who would ever believe it could really happen? Of all the crazy–
RYAN
Mother in Heaven!
MADISON
O.M.G. What?
RYAN
It’s… it’s too fantastic.
MADISON
You can tell me. I once spent an entire summer believing my neighbor’s cat was my ex-boyfriend reincarnated. The way it stared at me and watched my every move. Then I remembered my ex wasn’t dead and that just made me depressed.
RYAN
Open the window. I want to have a look at those Martians. Look at them. Do you think a hundred and fifty movie extras could learn to march like that in say… twenty-four hours?
MADISON
Depends. Who’d you get for catering?
RYAN
Not a second’s hesitation. Not one out of step. Look at the way they carry those ray guns at the ready. Perfectly disciplined military troops.
MADISON
The marching part of parades always bores me. I prefer the washed up celebrities performing on floats so I can see just who has truly fallen.
RYAN
Get down there and find the woman who fainted. Her name is Gloria Montez. Get her up here and make it fast!
MADISON
Boy, you’re sure squeezing every penny outta my fifty dollar a week salary. If I knew what any of these office supplies were, I’d totally rip them off.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
Here she is, Mr. Ryan.
GLORIA
Stay away from me! Stay away from me!
MADISON
Again, I am not near you!
RYAN
Okay, Gloria, you can cut out the act and relax.
MADISON
I don’t think it’s an act. You shoulda been with her in the elevator. Pretty sure I got inner ear damage now.
GLORIA
Don’t kid me! Don’t kid me! They’re, they’re… M-M-Martians!
RYAN
Gloria, settle down, baby.
MADISON
I could smack her. Almost had to do that to Gwyneth Paltrow. I was having brunch at this Bistro in Malibu. She was tearing in to the staff about her “scallops not being fresh.” But her bodyguards tackled me before I reached her table.
GLORIA
It’s awful… it’s awful! Those green eyes… and those… those… feelers… like a catfish.
RYAN
Listen, what happened down there? You ran out and screamed like I told you, but the fainting– that wasn’t in the act.
MADISON
If this is her improvising, she needs to demand her money back from U.C.B.
GLORIA
Stay away from me! Stay away from me!
MADISON
I am not near you!!!! Gah, crazy person! It’s like riding the subway in L.A.
RYAN
Just one question, Gloria. Inside that helmet, what did you see? Okay, Madison, I’ve heard enough. You can take her away.
MADISON
What? You want me to shove her back in the elevator and let the custodial staff deal with her? ‘Cuz that was my plan.
RYAN
I can’t worry about that right now. I have to see the commissioner. I’ve got to stop this parade before things begin to happen!
MADISON
“Things begin to happen?” Like Miss Comedy Sportz over here goin’ off the rails?
RYAN
Worse, Madison. Far worse.
MADISON
What’s worse than an overacting improvisor? A comedian at open mic night… We’re doomed!
SCENE EIGHT
PATRICK
Okay, Ryan, what’s the beef?
RYAN
Patrick, there’s something’s wrong. You’ve got to stop that parade!
PATRICK
Oh, I suppose you’d like the riot squad.
MADISON
What’d ya got along the lines of S.W.A.T.? Preferably with Shemar Moore.
PATRICK
Suuure. That would get you a front page spread in every newspaper in town. Now look, Ryan, I’ve got no time for your cheap publicity gags.
MADISON
Shemar doesn’t come cheap.
RYAN
Listen, Patrick, I’m trying to tell you, I don’t know where those Martians came from, who they are, anything about them!
PATRICK
Ryan, I’m wise to your tricks. Now if you let the sergeant show you out–
MADISON
Wait a sec! I know Mr. Ryan comes off as a total douche-nozzle, and frankly, he is one of the worst bosses I’ve ever worked for — and that includes Joel at Applebee’s who once docked my pay the price of one onion ring he saw me sneak in the kitchen. Joke was on him, though, I took an entire thirty pound bag home and had onion rings for a year.
RYAN
Patrick, please! This isn’t a gag! I don’t want publicity! All I want to do is prevent something horrible from happening!
PATRICK
In case you don’t know it, wise guy, something horrible is already happening. A couple hundred little kids are in the hospital with poisoning from that phony Martian candy you passed out.
RYAN
What…?
MADISON
Eee. I don’t want to think what that Shakley kid is puking up.
PATRICK
Or didn’t you know?
RYAN
I– I didn’t. We’ve got to stop that parade!
PATRICK
Sure, you’d like nothing better than to start a panic now. Maybe a few hundred people get trampled to death.
MADISON
He’s probably right about that one, Sid. I was at a Phish concert once and someone said they were giving out free tacos. I’ve never seen so many people so high run so fast. That poor taco truck never had a chance.
RYAN
Patrick, please, this is a matter of life and death!
PATRICK
If you don’t get out of here quick, it’ll be your death! Go on, beat it! Get out! You and your publicity stunts. Makes me sick to my stomach.
MADISON
Well… we tried. I say the best course of action now is to pack a bag and skip town.
RYAN
We’ll come back. I’ll get all the evidence we need from my office and we’ll prove it to them!
MADISON
Ohhh… that’s so not the right move. Somebody’s gonna die. He’s from the 50s but it’s like he’s never seen a 50’s sci-fi movie.
SCENE NINE
RYAN
Hurry, Madison! Grab all the files on Lou-shar!
MADISON
Uh… I’d rather not.
RYAN
What?! Why not?!
LOU-SHAR
Hello… Mr. Ryan.
MADISON
That’s why not.
RYAN
Lou-shar!
LOU-SHAR
You appear to be in some sort of a hurry. I can’t imagine why. Our campaign is a huge success.
RYAN
Our… campaign?
MADISON
Ya know what? This seems like more of an upper management kinda meeting so… I’ll just leave you two alone–
LOU-SHAR
One moment, Miss Standish. You aren’t considering running to the police with some story of a Martian invasion, are you?
MADISON
No, that’s his thing. I just wanted to leave town before shit got real.
LOU-SHAR
I do appreciate your position, Miss Standish, but after all of our planning, it wouldn’t do to have everything spoiled, now would it?
MADISON
Oh, yeah, definitely. No spoilers. Awww… we all gonna die.
RYAN
C’mon, Lou-shar, enough is enough. What’s this all about?!
LOU-SHAR
Surely you know, Mr. Ryan, after all, you’ve been publicizing it for months. You see, before colonizing your planet, the Martian government sent some of us as scouts in advance — disguised as earth men, of course — to study your habits, your weaknesses. We found that the people on earth are predominantly conditioned by advertising and publicity. So we conceived the idea of treating our entire invasion as a vast publicity stunt. Clever, don’t you think?
MADISON
Actually, yeah. That’s pretty much how our elections work.
LOU-SHAR
After all, Mr. Ryan, who would suspect an invader who advertised his invasion in the newspapers, invited the public to his surprise attack and spent millions publicizing his plans?
RYAN
Then… there was no product.
LOU-SHAR
Ah, but there is a product. The product is death.
MADISON
Brought to you by the N.R.A.
RYAN
What are you getting at, Lou-shar?
LOU-SHAR
Oh, we Martians are humane people, Mr. Ryan. We do not like to destroy thousands when a few hundred will suffice. In exactly two minutes, our troops will treat the world to a great spectacle of death which will bring the rest of your planet to its knees in horror! Nations will clamor to surrender!
MADISON
Way to go, American Capitalism. You finally destroyed the planet.
RYAN
Perhaps, Mr. Lou-shar. But not if I can help it!
MADISON
Dude! There’s an invading army! You think beatin’ up this guy is gonna do anything!?
RYAN
Get on the phone, Madison! Ah! Stop that parade!
MADISON
We’re already doomed but, FINE. I’m still technically on the clock. What number am I calling?
RYAN
Just dial the operator!
MADISON
Ah, yeah! It says “operator” on here. I saw that, but I just thought you had a really short contacts list.
OPERATOR
How may I direct your call?
MADISON
Who am I calling?
RYAN
The field telephone… on the reviewing stand… of the Martian Day parade!
MADISON
Uh… the reviewing stand at the parade, I guess?
OPERATOR
Anyone in particular?
MADISON
Who am I supposed to ask for?
RYAN
Dammit, Madison!
MADISON
Whoa. Nice one. He’s gonna feel that in the morning.
RYAN
Gimme the phone! Operator! Just get me the reviewing stand. And hurry!
MAN ON LINE
Reviewing stand. Hello?
RYAN
Get me Commissioner Patrick!
MAN ON LINE
You’ll have to talk louder!
RYAN
I want Commissioner Patrick!
MAN ON LINE
Who?
RYAN
Patrick! Patrick!
MAN ON LINE
Wait a minute, things are quieting down. Now, what was it you wanted?
RYAN
This is Ryan. I have to talk to the commissioner! It’s a matter of life and death!
MAN ON LINE
You can’t talk to him now. The Chief Martian is presenting the Policeman’s Benevolent Fund check to him. The Martians are going to fire a salute.
RYAN
Listen, you gotta stop them!
MAN ON LINE
What?
RYAN
STOP THEM!!!
MADISON
Mr. Ryan! Look out the window! Hoooooooly, crap. The Martian soldiers just fired on everybody with their ray guns! It’s like that scene in “Mars Attacks.” It is “Mars Attacks!”
RYAN
It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters now.
MADISON
Welp, time for me to go. And for all of you listening out there, hug your loved ones a little bit tighter tonight and heed our warning… never go to a parade. Bye!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
Premiering in 1950 and running for fifty episodes on NBC, “Dimension X” immediately grabbed the attention of the adult science fiction community by adapting works from amazing authors like Ray Bradbury, Kurt Vonnegut and many more. Our episode, entitled “The Parade,” written by Emmy Award winner, George Lefferts, has been reproduced in several incarnations since the original broadcast. In fact, many of the “Dimension X” episodes would later be adapted for the 1955 series, “X Minus One.” Both are iconic sci-fi anthology series of the era and precursors to television shows like “The Twilight Zone.”