MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE CASEBOOK OF GREGORY HOOD: THE DERRINGER SOCIETY”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APR 2024
SCENE ONE
BARTELL
The Casebook of Gregory Hood! Tonight, the Petri family, the family that took time to bring you good wine, brings you the story of… “The Derringer Society.” Well, it’s Monday night in San Francisco, and we have a date with Gregory Hood and his friend and attorney, Sanderson Taylor. Tonight’s rendezvous is at that delectable backwater, the Happy Valley Room at the famous Palace Hotel. Let’s keep our date, shall we?
CARL
Good evening, Mr. Bartell.
BARTELL
Hello, Carl, good to see you again. Hope you’re enjoying that case of Petri Wine I sent along.
CARL
Oh, yes, Mr. Bartell, our customers love it.
BARTELL
Good, good.
CARL
Will you be dining alone tonight?
BARTELL
No, I’m actually meeting Gregory Hood and his attorney, Sandy, here. Have they arrived yet?
CARL
Mr. Hood is currently seated at the bar. Please, this way.
BARTELL
Hello, Greg!
GREGORY
Harry Bartell, how are you?
CARL
Would you like your table now, Mr. Hood?
GREGORY
Uh, no, not just yet, Carl. We’re still expecting one more.
CARL
Very well, sir.
BARTELL
Oh, is Sandy running late tonight?
GREGORY
Actually, he went out of town on some business for me. We hit a bit of a snag trying to import a collection of rare artwork from Peru. As my attorney, he’s gone to see if he can’t work out the details.
BARTELL
Ah! The trials and tribulations of running an import business, eh?
GREGORY
To be sure.
BARTELL
Then who are we waiting on for dinner?
GREGORY
I’ve hired a personal assistant. Temporarily while Sandy is otherwise engaged. Ah, here she is now.
BARTELL
Oh? Oh… no.
MADISON
Okay, I just spent literally twenty minutes trying to parallel park that giant boat of a 1940’s car — without power steering I might add — on a super steep San Francisco street. Hopefully the guy behind me doesn’t leave before I do because his bumper is the only thing keeping my car from rolling into the intersection.
GREGORY
But the Palace Hotel isn’t on a hill.
MADISON
That’s a whole ‘nuther story.
GREGORY
Well, I’m glad you made it. Let me introduce you to–
MADISON
OMG!!! The Sherlock sponsor-dude!
BARTELL
Hello… Madison.
GREGORY
You two know each other?
MADISON
Sure! We go way back to season one!
GREGORY
Splendid!
BARTELL
You know, Greg… I just remembered I have an early… er… engagement tomorrow. I probably should skip dinner tonight.
MADISON
No, you don’t. “Oh, I just remembered!” That is the lame line every writer uses when the character is uncomfortable and wants to make an excuse to leave. But have you ever had anyone say that in real life?
BARTELL
Uh…
MADISON
No. No, you haven’t. So suck it up, we’re havin’ dinner.
CARL
Excuse me, Mr. Hood? A Mr. Taylor is on the telephone for you. He says it’s urgent.
GREGORY
That’s Sandy. There must be an issue with the art collection. Madison, you were part of my latest adventure. Why don’t you tell Mr. Bartell all about it while I get things sorted out with Peru.
BARTELL
But, Greg–!
GREGORY
I’ll be back.
BARTELL
Talk about convenient writing for the plot.
MADISON
Bartender! Over here!!
BARTELL
Madison! The Palace Hotel is a high end establishment.
MADISON
Good. That means the booze’ll be top shelf.
THE BARTENDER
You wish to order, Miss?
MADISON
Yeah, gimme your best whiskey. But Kentucky made, okay. None of that Scottish whisky. I’ve had my fill of Scotland for a while. You feel me, right sponsor-dude? After that Edinburgh trip with Sherlock? ‘Member? ‘Member?
BARTELL
Yes, my “member” remembers it well.
MADISON
Oh! The golf! I guess I swing harder than I thought.
THE BARTENDER
Whiskey. Anything for you, sir?
MADISON
C’mon, sponsor-dude, order somethin’. You’re buyin’.
BARTELL
The strongest drink you have, bartender, and make it a double.
THE BARTENDER
Right away.
BARTELL
All right, Madison. Just what are you doing here?
MADISON
I dunno how any of this works. I just jump around to different shows.
BARTELL
Oh, really? So you just happened to show up on “The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” and now you just happen to be here on “The Casebook of Gregory Hood?” The two shows my company sponsors?!
MADISON
Chill out, sponsor-dude–
BARTELL
And my name is Harry Bartell! Not “sponsor-dude”!!
THE BARTENDER
Uh… here’re your drinks.
BARTELL
I’ll have another. And keep ’em comin’.
THE BARTENDER
Certainly, sir.
MADISON
Wow. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the cablecar this morning.
BARTELL
“You have a great voice,” they said. “You should work as a radio sponsor,” they said.
MADISON
Oh, I hear ya on that. I was a brand ambassador for this wet dog food? I spent hours in Petco with dogs coming up and peeing on my display table. But the worst was the free samples. I’m sorry, but that stuff did not taste like chicken or rice.
THE BARTENDER
Your drink, sir.
BARTELL
Leave the bottle.
MADISON
Sweet! Refills. Okay, not sharing. Why don’t I just tell you
the story from Gregory Hood’s casebook? Great, it’s like dealing with those dogs at Petco. Alrighty. It all started when Greg wanted me to go with him to his little club meeting. It always amazes me how white dudes in the past had private clubs they belonged to. Like, women and people of color weren’t allowed pretty much anywhere, but, oh, the white guys still needed to create more places where only they were allowed– Okay, getting to the point. So, he brings me along this one night…
SCENE TWO
MADISON
So where are you dragging me?
GREGORY
My club, the Derringer Society.
MADISON
“Derringer?” Great, so what are you guys, a bunch of gun nuts? This some sort of early NRA or something?
GREGORY
Far from it. Surely you remember those wonderful early semi- scientific yarns about Dr. Derringer?
MADISON
“Semi” scientific? Was Dr. Derringer an early Dr. Oz telling women to eat placenta hormones for weight loss? That’s a real thing. I’m not makin’ that up. And now I have a hard time watching “Call the Midwife.”
GREGORY
No, nothing like that. Dr. Derringer’s tales were fictional science stories from the 1800’s. And if you reread them, you’ll realize that they predict just about everything from rockets to the atomic bomb.
MADISON
Oh. So old timey Star Trek. Although, did Star Trek predict the future… or shape the future?
GREGORY
Well, I’ve been a Derringer fan for a great many years, so it was only natural that I rounded up a few old cronies here in town who were equally interested and formed a society.
MADISON
That sounds like a big pile of boring. Why are you making me go?
GREGORY
Well, for one thing, this is the first night we’re breaking from our long held tradition.
FELTON
Gentlemen, gentlemen, settle down. Fellow members of the Derringer Society, you will already have noticed that we have violated our long standing stag rule. We have a lady among us.
CHESTER
For shame!
GREGORY
Oh, no, no, Chester. We’ve broken the precedent for a very particular reason.
CHESTER
Well, look at that. Gregory brought one of his own!
MADISON
Oh, great, this feels like that “special invitation” I got to that frat house party. I drained two cans of pepper spray that night. And it wasn’t into their eyes.
FELTON
Yes, thank you, Greg.
GREGORY
Come along, Madison, let’s take our seats.
MADISON
I dunno. You sure there’s not a cake you want me to jump out of?
FELTON
All right, all right. I don’t have to remind any of you that the fabulous Dr. Derringer, that scientific giant, was especially devoted to the tricks played by time. Well, our guest tonight is Miss Julia Hayes. She claims to perform exactly the sort of time travel prophecy that the great Derringer foretold.
MADISON
Time travel?! I’m not alone?
FELTON
Miss Hayes, gentlemen, claims to be able to predict future events. Dr. Barton, our psychiatrist member, has been examining Miss Hayes today, and I shall ask him to introduce her.
MADISON
Time travel? Is that why you brought me? Because I’m from the future?
GREGORY
Shh, Madison, Dr. Barton is going to speak.
DR. BARTON
Thank you, Mr. President. Fellow members, I must preface my remarks by stating that if I appear to speak of our guest in a slightly clinical manner, I do so with her full permission. Am I right, Miss Hayes?
JULIA
Yes, Dr. Barton, you may say anything you wish.
DR. BARTON
Thank you, Miss Hayes. Uh… did you have something you’d like to say, Miss?
MADISON
Hi, I’m Madison, and I’m a time traveler.
ALL MEN
Hi, Madison.
GREGORY
Madison! Will you sit down! We’re here to learn more about Dr. Barton’s discovery.
CHESTER
Aw, give the little girl a break, Greg! This is probably the most excitement she’s had outside of her Canasta club!
MADISON
We’ll see if you’re still laughing when I come back with my pepper spray.
FELTON
Please, gentlemen! Go on, Dr. Barton.
DR. BARTON
Thank you, Mr. Felton. This afternoon I spent some two hours examining our guest, and by all known psychological tests, she is simply normal, perhaps a trifle below average mentality.
MADISON
Rude.
DR. BARTON
But her record has already established the fact that she can often predict future events with surprising accuracy, quite above the laws of chance. And now, gentlemen, Miss Hayes will answer any of your questions. Uh, yes, Madison, I think yours was the first hand.
MADISON
Okay, hi! So excited to be here, thanks for taking my question. Um… what decade are you from?
GREGORY
What kind of question is that, Madison?
MADISON
I’m trying to figure out if she’s from my future or just your future. Because if she’s from my future, she might know how to get me home.
JULIA
I… do not understand the question.
DR. BARTON
Why don’t we try someone else. Ah, yes, Mr. Felton.
FELTON
Thank you. Uh, Miss Hayes, may I ask you, are there any outstanding events that you predicted in the past?
JULIA
On May the 4th, 1937, I predicted that two days later the German airship, Hindenburg, would be destroyed. I predicted the death of both Mussolini and his son-in-law, Count Ciano. I was right as to both date and time. I am seldom wrong.
FELTON
Miss Hayes, how do you explain your unusual ability?
MADISON
She already lived through it as a time traveler, duh. Go ahead, ask me about future events. Like, 9/11 or COVID or when Taylor Swifts’ first album drops.
JULIA
I cannot explain it. It is beyond my understanding. It is a gift. When I let my mind go blank, I can see into the future.
MADISON
Wait, are you a time traveler or a psychic?
CHESTER
Miss Hayes, can you tell me what horse is going to win the second race at Arlington tomorrow?
MADISON
I can tell you that the Chicago Cubs won’t win the World Series until 2016. And then go right back to losin’ again.
FELTON
Mr. Chester, Miss Hayes is our guest.
CHESTER
Oh, sorry, Richard. I beg your pardon, Miss Hayes. Let me ask you a serious question. Are you able to see into the future at will?
JULIA
Yes. If I make my mind a blank, I can usually see into the immediate future.
CHESTER
Would you consider making a prediction for us now?
JULIA
I will try. I can promise nothing, but I will try.
MADISON
I got predictions for ya! It’s 1946, right? Uh… Korea, Vietnam, Iraq– God, why does every history class teach nothing but war?
JULIA
Monday… Monday…. It is Monday at eight-fifteen. I see the future, but not far ahead. The same night, three hours from now, at eleven-fifteen tonight. I see a small man, a bald man with glasses. His name… is Chester.
CHESTER
Now look, Miss Hayes, a joke’s a joke.
DR. BARTON
Quiet, quiet, Mr. Chester. Don’t spoil it. She’s still talking.
JULIA
Tonight, Mr. Chester, at exactly eleven-fifteen, you will be murdered.
MADISON
You want murder? I got murder! Uh, JFK! Martin Luther King, Jr.! Um… OJ Simpson! I mean, believe what you want, he did or he didn’t, but can you imagine watching “Naked Gun” when it first came out and someone leans over to you and says, “Dude, wait’ll ya hear what happens with OJ.”
SCENE THREE
GREGORY
I think that was one of the most emotional meetings we’ve ever had at the Derringer Society.
MADISON
Oh, big whoop. You guys all got a chubby for a sideshow fortuneteller.
GREGORY
It certainly broke up in a hurry when she predicted the murder of Chester.
MADISON
I can tell you real events that are actually gonna happen! And all that “it’s dangerous to tell people in the past about the future” stuff is clearly nonsense ever since Doc Brown opened that envelope.
GREGORY
I haven’t quite made up my mind about Miss Hayes. Time traveling into the future is all very well in the Derringer stories, but in real life?
MADISON
Okay, you are guys are totes confusing things. She had a vision of the future. Which makes her a psychic. She did not physically travel through time. I did. Which makes me a time traveler.
GREGORY
I don’t know. I think life’s complicated enough in a straight line these days.
MADISON
You’re not listening to me! Keep ignoring the predictions of the soothsayer. That always goes so well for everyone in Greek mythology.
CHESTER
Mr. Hood! Greg! Wait for me!
GREGORY
It’s Alfred Chester.
MADISON
Dude looks spooked.
CHESTER
Glad I caught you before you left.
GREGORY
What’s wrong, Chester? Are you taking that prediction seriously?
MADISON
O.M.G. you cannot believe psychics. They make stuff up and tell you what you want to hear.
CHESTER
You think I want to hear that I’m going to be murdered?
MADISON
Maybe you should’ve asked her about your love life.
CHESTER
To me, it sounded more like a threat than a prediction. My reason tells me it’s foolish to take the thing seriously, but I did make that stupid remark about the horse races.
MADISON
You also called me “little girl” and made that Canasta joke. Kinda made me wanna murder you.
CHESTER
She’s a weird woman. She may have some… some odd powers that we know nothing about. Greg, what do you think I oughta do? Get the police?
GREGORY
No, I think it’d be a little hard to convince them that you were in danger. Look, it’s quarter of eleven now. Would you like us to come home with you until after her eleven-fifteen deadline has passed?
MADISON
I’m guessing you live alone because I can’t imagine any woman signing on for a lifetime of you.
CHESTER
I’m married! Oh, what would Alice think? I’m sorry, Greg, I didn’t mean to bother you. I’m probably being extremely stupid. Well, thanks for this little talk. I… I feel a lot better. Good night.
GREGORY
Good night, Chester.
GREGORY
Poor man. That Hayes woman really has him frightened.
MADISON
He’s a douche nozzle. I’m not saying he deserves to be murdered, but a good voodoo doll with pins in the crotch might be pertinent.
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
So you don’t need to be a psychic to guess what happened next. Eleven-fifteen on the dot, stabby-stabby, Alfred Chester — dead.
BARTELL
Bartender! Another!
MADISON
Dude, we’re only in the first act. You may want to slow your roll a bit. You’re the sponsor. Aren’t you on the clock?
BARTELL
Sponsor. Ha!
THE BARTENDER
Sir, is there something you needed?
BARTELL
Tell me this, bartender, you actually sell any of that Petri Wine swill?
MADISON
Dude! You’re on a hot mic!
THE BARTENDER
I… beg your pardon?
BARTELL
Forget it. Bring me more of this!
MADISON
Yes, bring him another bottle. But if it takes you a really long time to find one, that’s ok-ay.
THE BARTENDER
Certainly, I’ll… go look for one.
MADISON
Okay, sponsor-dude–
BARTELL
Harry!
MADISON
“Harry!” Look at me! Continuing the story. Okay? It’s the next morning and Greg and I were in his store. Come on! Let’s focus on staying on the stool! Wow, this is hard. I’m not good at being the sober friend. All right! Listening to my words. So the door opens and in walks Lieutenant Stan Silver…
SCENE FIVE
GREGORY
Ah, the top of the morning to you, Stan.
MADISON
“Top of the morning?” Was that a dig at all cops being Irish? That’s racist. No, not racist. Regionalist? It’s offensive. And not very nice.
STAN
Good morning, Greg. Sorry to interrupt you while you’re with a customer.
GREGORY
Not a customer, Stan, my assistant while Sandy’s out of town. This is Madison Standish. Madison, Lieutenant Stan Silver.
MADISON
‘Sup.
STAN
Miss Standish.
GREGORY
What brings you to my store this early in the morning, Stan? Could we interest you in a small Ming vase for Mrs. Silver? Or, we have a nice line in Inca headdresses. You’d look rather fetching in one.
MADISON
Yeah, look around. See what pillaged artifacts ripped from their countries of origin might make a nice knickknack on your coffee table.
STAN
Greg, I’m here on business. You saw Alfred Chester last night, didn’t you?
GREGORY
Sure, we both did. Why?
STAN
Well, late last night he was murdered.
MADISON
Wow. Score one for Miss Hayes.
GREGORY
What time did it happen, Stan?
STAN
His wife says it was exactly eleven-fifteen.
MADISON
Down to the minute! That’s a pretty impressive prediction. I might have to have her read my tarot cards. The last reading I had, the fortuneteller was super generic. She just said, “You will go on a long journey.” Pfft.
STAN
Prediction? What prediction are you talking about, Miss Standish?
GREGORY
Chester attended a meeting of the Derringer Society last night. A woman by the name of Julia Hayes went into a sort of trance. Predicted Chester would be murdered at exactly eleven-fifteen.
STAN
Then that’s a woman I’ve got to talk to.
GREGORY
We’ll all go and talk to her, Stan.
STAN
You think you know where we can find this Hayes woman?
GREGORY
I believe I do.
MADISON
Great, we can ride share. The copper can drive.
GREGORY
“Copper” is actually an offensive term, Madison.
MADISON
You’re gonna wish police were just called “coppers” after Hip Hop artists start writin’ about ’em.
SCENE SIX
DR. BARTON
Ah, Mr. Hood, do come in.
GREGORY
Dr. Barton, this is Lieutenant Silver.
DR. BARTON
Pleased to meet you.
STAN
How’d you do.
MADISON
And I’m Madison, remember? From the meeting last night with Julia Hayes? I just want you to know, I am very weary of psychiatrists.
DR. BARTON
Miss Hayes? You mean psychics?
MADISON
No, I mean you, psychiatrists. I don’t appreciate anyone telling me to take responsibility for my own actions. That’s victim blaming.
GREGORY
Speaking of Miss Hayes, Dr. Barton, do you know where we can find her?
DR. BARTON
Yes, she’s in my office right now. I’ve been examining her again this morning and I’ve uncovered a very interesting fact. Miss Hayes was left handed in her childhood, but she’d been forcibly trained into right handedness.
MADISON
O.M.G.! You people did that in the past! You psychiatrists thought children being left handed caused stuttering. You beat those poor kids into submission, when all they wanted was a pair of scissors they could operate!
DR. BARTON
I didn’t do that! I study it’s affects! Forceable conversion often has unpredictable psychological results. Though, I’ll confess, never precisely like hers.
STAN
Left handed, huh?
GREGORY
That interest you, Stan?
STAN
Might get her off the hook. Alfred Chester was stabbed from behind by a medium sized, right handed person.
DR. BARTON
Stabbed?
STAN
Murdered. No fingerprints, no clues. But since your Miss Hayes had predicted his demise, I’d like to speak with her.
DR. BARTON
Her prediction came true?
MADISON
At exactly eleven-fifteen like she said. With those kind of mad skills, she really should be pickin’ lottery numbers. Seriously. Why do psychics need my money to access their gift, and then never use their gift to cash in on Powerball?
DR. BARTON
Well, one thing I can assure you, Miss Hayes did not commit the crime herself.
GREGORY
How do you know?
DR. BARTON
Because I brought her back here after the meeting last night. I was working with her until twelve-thirty.
STAN
I still want to speak with her.
DR. BARTON
I’ll call her in. Uh, come in, please, Miss Hayes.
JULIA
Yes, Doctor.
DR. BARTON
They want to ask you a few questions.
JULIA
What questions?
MADISON
How did you nail that prediction? And why haven’t you won the lottery?
JULIA
Is that another question like the horse races?
STAN
Horse races?
GREGORY
A joke Chester made to her.
MADISON
I don’t need you to tell me sports outcomes. 1946… the Cardinals will win the World Series. Yeah. That’s called a brother who would lock me in a closet until I got all of his sports trivia right.
STAN
If I may, Miss Standish? Miss Hayes, I understand you predicted the murder of Mr. Alfred Chester last night.
JULIA
Yes.
MADISON
We already told you that.
JULIA
It happened, of course.
STAN/MADISON
Yes.
JULIA
I knew it would.
STAN
How do you account for the fact that you predicted it three hours before it happened?
MADISON
She’s a psychic! Are you not paying attention?
GREGORY
I predict you’re going to be waiting in the car if you keep interrupting.
STAN
And I can ensure that prediction comes true.
MADISON
I hope you both end up with daughters in the ERA who marry hippies.
JULIA
To answer your question, I cannot account for it. It is a gift that I cannot explain. I can see things in the immediate future. I can tell you what is to happen today before the day is out. I can tell you…
DR. BARTON
Her mind is blanking out again. What can you tell us, Miss Hayes?
JULIA
I see a large man, a red faced man. His name is… Felton.
MADISON
Felton? Wasn’t that the dude running the meeting last night?
GREGORY
Shhh…
MADISON
I’m sorry, I don’t remember the names of all of your lodge brothers.
GREGORY
Don’t worry. I’m sure no more women will be allowed back in our meetings after this.
MADISON
Dude, Julia, is Felton gonna die, too?
JULIA
Yes… He will die tonight. He, too, will be murdered.
MADISON
I dunno, you might need some women at those meetings. Seems like you’re burning through members.
STAN
Not while I’m working the case. This is one murder that isn’t going to take place.
MADISON
Ohmahgod. You can’t change future events. That’s time travel 101. I mean, look at me. I have all this knowledge of major horrible events that are gonna happen. If I could change things, it’d be pretty irresponsible of me to not try and stop ’em, but to instead just goof around in old timey radio shows.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
So the Lieutenant called Felton over and over again, begging him to let the cops give him police protection, but the dude was so full of himself, he refused.
THE BARTENDER
Uh… Excuse me, sir? The… uh… management has requested you… er… not sleep on the bar?
MADISON
Wow, if this place isn’t all hoity-toity. Just where else do you expect him to pass out, huh? The urinals in the john?
THE BARTENDER
Perhaps if he could balance his head upright with the aid of his elbow on the bar?
MADISON
Come on, Harry. Let’s sit up. Dude, you’re a lightweight with the booze but you weigh a ton. Bartender, get him another drink.
THE BARTENDER
Don’t you think he’s had enough?
MADISON
Drinking will keep him moving. Trust me. It’s how I avoided passing out at frat parties and waking up in their Hall of Honor.
THE BARTENDER
Something… less potent, perhaps?
MADISON
Just water it down.
THE BARTENDER
All right.
MADISON
Okay, Harry, gotta stay awake here. Let me continue the story. So the Felton guy totally blew off the cop’s warning. And you know what always happens in shows when the person refuses police protection? Dead. So the next day Greg and I go down to the station to see the Lieutenant. He’s already brought that Julia Hayes in for more questioning…
SCENE EIGHT
STAN
Gregory, I blame myself for Mr. Felton’s murder last night.
GREGORY
Oh, you did your best, Stan.
MADISON
Well, you could’ve gone over there and actually talked to him instead of just calling. What’re you trying to do? Turn police work into a remote work-from-home job?
STAN
Well… I…
MADISON
Are you gonna Zoom call interrogations now? “Where were you the night of the murder? And don’t tell me Florida. I know those palm trees are just a virtual background.”
GREGORY
Stan tried to force him to take protection, Madison, but Felton wouldn’t hear of it.
STAN
Let’s see what Julia Hayes has to say about this one. She’s waiting outside. Come in, please, Miss Hayes.
JULIA
Very well, Lieutenant.
MADISON
Major props, Julia. Two-for-two.
STAN
Now, Miss Hayes, I want to know how you knew this latest murder was going to take place.
JULIA
I cannot tell you how I knew.
MADISON
Yeah, don’t tell ’em!
GREGORY
Madison!
MADISON
She has got to stop givin’ away her talent for free. There are serious bucks to be made here.
STAN
Well, this is a police investigation now. One coincidence I can take, but not two, and I can’t write on the police report that you knew about the murder because you can see into the future, you know. Why not tell me the truth?
JULIA
I am telling the truth. When my mind is a blank, I have the ability to see into the future.
STAN
Oh, Gregory. See if you can get anything out of her.
GREGORY
Miss Hayes, I understand about your being able to travel into the future.
MADISON
Again, not a time traveler! You clearly don’t value actual time travelers because you keep ignoring me every time I tell you I’m from the future! How ’bout this? In 1958 you guys here in San Francisco will get a baseball team! The Giants! Of course, the Giants won’t win the World Series until 2010. But damn, I’m on a roll with this baseball history. You got a Pub Trivia night around here?
STAN
Greg, should I make Madison wait in your car?
MADISON
We took a streetcar.
STAN
Then maybe you could sit on the tracks until the next one arrives.
GREGORY
Miss Hayes, surely you must be able to remember more about what you saw when you had that vision. Try and think back, will you?
JULIA
Think back? Back? No, I can only see forward. Forward… forward…
STAN
Her mind’s blanking out again.
MADISON
Notice she’s still right here. She hasn’t traveled into the future.
GREGORY
Miss Hayes, what do you see?
JULIA
I see another death in the immediate future. Sudden death. The woman is blonde… and loud. Her name is Madison Standish.
MADISON
Me? She said the woman was loud. I’m not loud.
GREGORY
You’re also not blonde.
MADISON
Hey!… Fair. So it’s not me then.
JULIA
It’s you.
MADISON
Damn.
SCENE NINE
MADISON
Did you hear what I said, Harry? She predicted my death.
BARTELL
So?
MADISON
That doesn’t make you happy? Someone wanted to murder me?
BARTELL
You lived to tell about it.
MADISON
Ah. You’re right. My being alive is a spoiler.
CARL
Uh, excuse me. Mr. Hood wanted me to give you his deepest regrets that he had to leave on an urgent business matter. But he has opened a tab and suggests the two of you have dinner.
MADISON
Sweet! You hear that, Harry? Free dinner!
BARTELL
Who cares?
MADISON
Come on, let’s get some food into you.
CARL
Um… Miss?
MADISON
Yeah?
CARL
Well… it is customary at the act break that Mr. Bartell read his… copy? You know, for Petri Wines?
BARTELL
Petri Wines! If that watered down grape juice were actually any good, why they gotta sponsor a second rate radio show? Huh? They might as well be Coca-Cola the way they beg a bunch of brain-dead nobodies to buy their bottled sewage.
MADISON
Was that the copy?
CARL
Uh… no. Here.
MADISON
Harry, come on now, just read this real quick, okay?
BARTELL
Forget it! Garçon! Get me my table!
CARL
Miss?
MADISON
Sit him somewhere in the back. I’ll take care of this.
CARL
Right this way, Mr. Bartell.
BARTELL
Don’t touch me! Even my own mother never touched me!
CARL
That wasn’t me, sir, that was your own arm.
BARTELL
I don’t touch myself, either!
MADISON
Hopefully not in public.
CARL
Miss?
MADISON
Just sit him down. I’ll hurry. Okay, Petri Wine. Um… “Petri Muscatel is really marvelous. In fact, I’m willing to bet you like everything about it. And say, if you’ve ever tasted plump, luscious muscat grapes at their sun ripened best,” — and who among us hasn’t tried muscat grapes at their sun ripened best — “Well then, you know what to expect when you taste Petri Muscatel.” — Way to sell it guys. — “And you’ll like Petri Muscatel after dinner, by itself, or served with cake.” — Ya know, I’ve never really known how to pair a wine with… cake. “Just be sure it’s Petri. Petri Muscatel, because Petri Wine is always good wine.” Oof. Reading this week after week, it was only a matter of time before Harry lost it.
BARTELL
I want chicken!
CARL
Miss?!
MADISON
Harry! Let me tell you what happened next in my story! It was four days after Julia’s prediction…
SCENE TEN
GREGORY
Oh, sorry Madison.
MADISON
Dude. You got me locked up in your store full of creepy tribal masks. I might as well be waiting to be murdered in a carnival funhouse.
GREGORY
Well, it’s been four days now. Maybe Miss Hayes isn’t as accurate about her future predictions as we first surmised.
MADISON
I thought for sure by now I’d be zapped into the next radio show. That’s how I’m usually saved at the last minute. But if the murderer is just gonna drag this out, I could be stuck here until the end of the Golden Age of Radio. Then what’s gonna happen to me? Do I go home or just… cease to exist?!
GREGORY
Stan and I haven’t found any new leads, but I’ve been thinking about Dr. Barton.
MADISON
You’re not gonna make me go see a psychiatrist, are you? I don’t think I’m emotionally ready to handle the existential crisis that is my existing in old time radio.
GREGORY
Not you, I was thinking of Julia Hayes. Miss Hayes is slightly subnormal.
MADISON
“Subnormal”? Why, because she’s foreign born, left handed or just because she’s a woman? Pick your prejudice.
GREGORY
I’m going off of Dr. Barton’s findings. Presuming she has a lower mental capacity, I wouldn’t mind giving you odds that Barton hypnotized her into performing the two murders. She’d be an easy hypnotic victim.
MADISON
Once, at a party, someone tried to hypnotize me. But my mind is super strong and resisted it.
GREGORY
Barton definitely had the opportunity. He was the only person who was alone with the woman for any length of time between her arrival in San Francisco and her first prophecy at our meeting.
MADISON
Okay, but why would he wanna murder his lodge brothers? To take over for Felton as the Grand Poobah of the Loyal Order of Boring Guys?
GREGORY
One thing I did discover in my investigation, is the wife of Felton was a patient of Barton’s. She is also a beautiful woman, and no doubt is now a very rich one. I’ve gleaned rumors that her relationship with Barton was a little more, uh, cozy than that which usually exists between doctor and patient.
MADISON
Ooo! Doctor hypnotizes one patient to kill the husband of the other patient he’s boinking! Oh, that is juicy! But wait, why would they kill that Chester guy? Maybe he was secretly in love with Felton’s wife, too? Like a rival? A love triangle! No, hang on, there’s five people. A love… pentagon?
GREGORY
I don’t think it’s as complicated as all that. It was probably to establish a pattern and conceal the real motive.
MADISON
Two murders isn’t a pattern.
GREGORY
Which means your death would be necessary also.
MADISON
Super.
GREGORY
But I’ve read findings that say even under hypnosis, an individual cannot be instructed to perform a criminal act against their will.
MADISON
It’s funny you’d say that. After the party where they tried to hypnotize me, my roommate’s jewelry disappeared and she tried to blame me! Said the hypnotist had instructed me to steal it. Talk about “against my will.” Why would I want to take her Claire’s Boutique plastic jewelry?
GREGORY
Well, I’m tired of waiting around. I’m going to accelerate your murder.
MADISON
P-pardon?
GREGORY
Don’t worry about your funeral yet, Madison.
MADISON
I’m not worried about my funeral. I’m worried about the part that necessitates a funeral.
GREGORY
Lieutenant Silvers, please. It’s all right, I’ve got a plan.
MADISON
You “have a plan?” Like your plan of locking me in your store rather than giving me police protection that you were all over Felton about? Instead I get, “Here sit in a room full of African hunting spears, Japanese Samurai swords and the largest collection of daggers ever compiled outside of a trailer park?!”
GREGORY
Hello, Stan? This is Greg Hood. I have got a brainwave. Pick up Julia Hayes and bring her up to Madison’s apartment as soon as you can… Yes, we’ll be waiting for you.
MADISON
You’re bringing the killer to my apartment?!
GREGORY
Bringing her to the most logical place for the crime is the only way to test the hypnosis theory.
MADISON
I don’t wanna be a test subject for hypnosis!
SCENE ELEVEN
JULIA
I cannot answer any more questions, Mr. Hood.
GREGORY
But Miss Hayes, you predicted that Madison would be murdered in this apartment. Doesn’t this setting ring a responsive chord in your memory?
JULIA
No, no, it does not. But I am deeply disturbed by the amount of dirty dishes in her sink.
MADISON
Well, I wasn’t expecting guests, and there is a distinct lack of dishwashers in the 1940s.
STAN
What about the clothing and wet towels all over the floor?
JULIA
And dust across every surface.
GREGORY
It is rather extraordinary. Haven’t you only been living here a week?
MADISON
Okay, okay. You’re supposed to be provoking her to murder me. Not me to murder all of you.
JULIA
Provoking me?
GREGORY
Your other prophecies came true. What happened to this one?
JULIA
I… I do not know. I cannot explain it.
GREGORY
Perhaps you’ve lost your mysterious power, Miss Hayes. Or perhaps you never had it. Perhaps you made the whole thing up! Why not admit you’re a murderess who poses as a prophet?
JULIA
I am no murderess! I can see the future–
GREGORY
You never could see the future, and you never will! But I’ll tell you your future, Miss Hayes, if you don’t tell us the truth. You’ll end up in the gas chamber, and I don’t have to be a clairvoyant to know that!
JULIA
Stop talking like that! Leave me alone! I won’t stay here!
STAN
Come back!
GREGORY
No, Stan. Let her go. A phone call I made just after I talked to you should be paying off right about now.
STAN
Wow, maybe you are the clairvoyant.
MADISON
Great. Who else did you invite to my apartment to criticize my housekeeping skills? Marie Kondo? Because I’m not getting rid of any of my stuff. You know what things in my life don’t “spark joy”? People.
STAN
Well, Dr. Barton. Do come in.
DR. BARTON
Oh, hello, Lieutenant. Gregory wanted me to– There you are, Greg. I’m still not clear on why you asked me to meet you here.
MADISON
If it’s to psychoanalyze me, I’ll save you the trouble. My messy home reflects a creative mind and organization hinders my life flow.
DR. BARTON
That’s… good to know.
GREGORY
Please come in, Doctor, and have a seat. Let me move these clothes–
MADISON
Wait! I have a system! If they’re on the chair they’ve only been worn twice and are still good!
GREGORY
Then can you find a place to relocate them?
MADISON
Lieutenant, move the empty bottles off the coffee table.
STAN
All these wine bottles. Did you have a party?
MADISON
Oh, what, you got the psychiatrist so now this is an intervention?
GREGORY
All right, Dr. Barton, take a seat.
DR. BARTON
I, uh… it’s a good thing you called me, Greg. I have rather a serious confession to make. I lied to the police.
STAN
How’s that?
MADISON
Lieutenant! You’re stepping on my newspapers!
STAN
Well, why do you have newspapers strewn across the floor?
MADISON
What am I supposed to do with them? You don’t have recycling yet!
GREGORY
Can we get back to what Dr. Barton lied to the police about?
DR. BARTON
I… uh… said that Julia Hayes was with me at the time of the first murder. She wasn’t.
GREGORY
Why did you lie?
DR. BARTON
Well, the woman seems such a unique psychiatric study, I wanted to complete my examination before the police nabbed her.
STAN
Perhaps I should “nab” you, too, Barton. For obstruction of a police investigation.
DR. BARTON
But I had to complete my study! It was for a greater cause!
MADISON
He did it for science!
DR. BARTON
I’m telling you now because I learned Julia is clearly a fraud. She had me fooled. She murdered those men so it would look like her prophecies came true.
MADISON
But Greg, I thought you said he did it because he was in love with Felton’s wife?
DR. BARTON
What?!
STAN
Hey! Who turned off the lights?
GREGORY
Oh, no, you don’t!
MADISON
Careful! You’ll upset the fine balance between me and the cockroaches!
GREGORY
Try to get at the light switch!
STAN
I got it, Greg!
STAN
My leg!!
MADISON
My coffee table!!
GREGORY
Look out, Madison! He’s got a knife!
MADISON
Ah!! Don’t murder me!! Don’t murder me!!!
STAN
I got the light!
STAN
Why do you have books piled up by the front door?
MADISON
Because the bookshelf has my shoes in it.
GREGORY
Well, well, well. It wasn’t a “he” at all.
JULIA
Let go of me!
DR. BARTON
Miss Hayes! You see! She is the murderess!
GREGORY
We’ve got you cold, Miss Hayes. The knife’s in your hand. Well, what have you got to say for yourself?
JULIA
I’m sorry you stopped me from killing Madison! I wish I’d killed both of you!
MADISON
Dude! What’d I ever do to you? I’m seriously asking because when I get drunk I don’t remember a lot.
STAN
Well, I think we’ve got plenty of evidence against you, Miss Hayes. The knife’s in your hand and you admit you wished you’d killed Greg and Madison.
JULIA
Yes, I admit it. You all made fun of me. You did not believe in my gift. If you had died, then all my predictions would have come true.
DR. BARTON
Oh, how could I have been taken in by such an obvious charlatan?
MADISON
I’m confused here, Greg. The psychic did it? I thought you said the shrink did it.
JULIA
No! I am no murderess!
GREGORY
Of course you aren’t, Miss Hayes.
STAN
What are you talking about, Gregory?
GREGORY
Under strong emotion, Miss Hayes reverts to her childhood left handedness. She attacked me tonight with her left hand. The murders were committed by a right handed person.
MADISON
So the shrink did do it?
GREGORY
With hypnosis. Dr. Barton hypnotized Miss Hayes into making the murder prophecies, and then carried them out himself.
DR. BARTON
Is this some form of practical joke?
MADISON
Yeah, you got us. We’re a practical joke reality show. First we murdered two men, then we drove a woman to the breaking point. Now let’s watch and see how the psychiatrist responds to our hilarity.
DR. BARTON
But this is ridiculous! What motive could I possibly have?
MADISON
You’ve been using your shrink couch to get Mrs. Felton to… open up.
STAN
Better come with me, Doctor.
DR. BARTON
Very well, Lieutenant. I should prefer not to talk anymore. Until I’ve seen my attorney.
GREGORY
I’ll see you in court, Barton.
MADISON
Wait, Lieutenant! Aren’t you gonna take the psychic, too? Attempted murder?
STAN
I think I got my hands full with the doc, here. C’mon.
MADISON
Oh, yeah, I mean, only one arrest at a time.
GREGORY
Madison, it wasn’t her fault. I pushed Miss Hayes into it.
MADISON
Sure. Okay then, alls forgiven.
JULIA
Thank you, Mr. Hood, for your help.
GREGORY
Maybe to stay out of trouble in the future, you should be more careful about what you predict about the future.
JULIA
Of course.
GREGORY
Well, I believe that closes the chapter on the Derringer Society. It was a foolish notion, I know. To want to believe in time travelers.
MADISON
Maybe years from now people will form the Madison Society. I’ve always felt I deserved to be worshipped.
SCENE TWELVE
MADISON
So, what’d ya think, Harry?
BARTELL Of what?
MADISON
The story? Great, so I spent all this time telling you this and you’re too drunk to remember any of it? Oh, wow, I sound just like my freshman year math teacher.
CARL
Excuse me, Mr. Bartell? There’s a telephone call for you, sir.
MADISON
I bet it’s Greg. Maybe there’s an after party!
CARL
So, Miss… perhaps it’s time for your… check?
MADISON
Bums rush. I gotcha. Hey, make sure there’s a nice tip on Greg’s tab for the whole staff, ‘kay? It’s his fault I got saddled with Lindsay Low-tolerance over there.
BARTELL
Well, that’s just fine by me! What’re you lookin’ at, lady?!
LADY
Oh!
CARL
Oh, my word!
MADISON
Harry! Harry! Where ya goin’? Uh, night, Carl, thanks! Harry! Wait! What happened?
BARTELL
They fired me!
MADISON
Petri Wine fired you?
BARTELL
“For failure to perform the duties of which I’d been hired.”
MADISON
Because you didn’t read their copy? I read it for you.
BARTELL
Yeah, but what about all the times during those Sherlock Holmes episodes, huh? I never got to read my ad spot because you were busy making my life a living Hell!
MADISON
Okay, uh, “living Hell” is a little strong. I think it was more of a McDonald’s PlayPlace. Full of unintentional tortures and fluids.
BARTELL
Now I don’t have a job, but you’re still here!
MADISON
C’mon. We’ll go talk to the Petri people tomorrow. I’ve been fired for being drunk on the job tons of times. I’ll show you how to flirt with the shift lead to get your job back.
BARTELL
I’ve got a better idea.
MADISON
Hey, Harry! Let go of my arm.
BARTELL
Let’s see how well you do against a street car!
MADISON
Harry! Stop! No!
STREETCAR CONDUCTOR
Hey! You, two, get outta the way!
MADISON
Sponsor-dude!!!!
EPILOGUE
JEREMY
“The Casebook of Gregory Hood” started as a summer replacement
show in 1946 for “The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes,” still sponsored by Petri Wine. However, the series continued into the next year when the ABC Network ran into complications with the Conan-Doyle estate, and were delayed in bringing Sherlock back to the airwaves. After that, the series would have a full season
from 1949 to 1950, and would further continue to pop up in various summer slots. This, of course, lead to several different actors portraying the San Francisco importer and amateur sleuth. Our episode of “The Derringer Society” featured Gale Gordon, who had a lustrous career in radio comedy, and is known to later audiences from his television series playing Mr. Wilson on “Dennis the Menace” and as Mr. Mooney opposite Lucille Ball, in “The Lucy Show.”