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MADISON ON THE AIR: “ARCHIE ANDREWS: WALLPAPERING”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JAN 2024

SCENE ONE

JUGHEAD
Hiya, Madison! What do you want?

MADISON
Come on out right away, Jughead! It’s a matter of life or death!

JUGHEAD
Aw, relax, Madison! Re-laxx!

MADISON
Okay, guys, I’ve been noir detectives, superheroes, a western sheriff, fought Martians, was Dr. Watson to Sherlock Holmes a coupla times, but never a… teenager?

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Yes, here he is again, the youngster millions of readers of Archie Comics Magazine know and love so well — Archie Andrews and all his gang!

MADISON
Well, Madison and all her gang. And do we have a studio audience? It’s nice to get audience reaction for once. I mean, all of you out there listening. I’m always thinking… is it funny? Are they even laughing? Whoa! A bigger response than I expected. Uck. This canned laughter is terrible. Okay, that wasn’t even a joke. Cut that out! It’s annoying! This fake laughter reminds me of watching episodes of “Full House.” The only time that show was funny, was when Aunt Becky got caught in that college admissions scandal.

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
And now for our weekly visit to Riverdale. It’s Saturday morning as we look in on the Andrews’ home. We find Mr. Andrews in the living room reading his newspaper.

FRED
And so my little girl came over to me and said –And she said, “Mommy, is that a proper thing to do?” Oh, those kids!

MADISON
Hey, Dad, what’re you laughin’ at? The fact that you’ll be the last generation to benefit from social security and medicare before those programs slowly become dismantled because they’re considered communist and socialist which isn’t the same thing but who cares?

FRED
I have got to stop leaving my copy of “The Wall Street Journal” where you can find it.

MARY
Oh, Fred–?

MADISON
Hey! I thought sitcom moms from old timey shows always wore pearls.

MARY
You think your father could afford pearls? Why, the diamond in my wedding band is so small, when he put it on my finger, I thought he dropped it, so I went down to my hands and knees at the alter!

MADISON
I have a similar story, but it involves role play and a priest costume.

FRED
Can’t you women be quiet? I’m trying to read the funnies!

MARY
Fred, there’s something I want to ask you. I’d like to have the living room wallpapered.

FRED
What’s wrong with it now?

MADISON
Nothing if you like living in a waiting room at an underfunded low- cost health clinic.

MARY
I agree with Madison. There’s something so cold and plain about a painted room. I think wallpaper would be so much warmer.

MADISON
It could look like a waiting room in one of those high-end OBGYN clinics where the examining table cushions have warmers to help ease the indignity of the stirrups?

FRED
Well, all right… uh… call a paperhanger and get an estimate, dear. Then we’ll see.

MARY
I already did. They only want fifty dollars to do the room.

FRED
Fifty dollars? Fifty dollars?! Mary, what are they going to paper the room with, dollar bills?

MADISON
Ooo! Then put in a strippers’ pole! Definitely warm up the room.

MARY
Oh, Fred, don’t be silly. Fifty dollars is cheap!

MADISON
Seriously. Fifty bucks? Including drinks and G-String tips, you wouldn’t have anything left over for a private lap dance.

FRED
Mary, I could wallpaper the room myself for one-tenth of that.

MARY
Yourself?

FRED
You heard me. Mary, if you want that living room wallpapered, I’ll do it myself in an hour!

MARY
But, Fred, I–

FRED
And Madison will help me!

MADISON
Whoa! Look, I’ll dance on the pole, I still got the moves, but putting up wallpaper?

MARY
All right, if you insist.

FRED
I do insist. Did you have the wallpaper picked out?

MARY
Yes, it’s down at Johnson’s Paint and Wallpaper Store.

FRED
All right. Madison, you go down for it right now and we’ll do the job this morning.

MADISON
When I go down to the store for the wallpaper, can I pick up some day laborers, too?

FRED
You are my day labor. Now go!

MADISON
Now? But, Dad, I’m waiting for a phone call from Veronica. She said she’d call this morning. And since this is the era of prehistoric phones, I have to stay in this cave if I wanna receive a phone call.

FRED
Madison, it will only take you a minute, and if Veronica calls while you’re gone, I’ll ask her to call back.

MADISON
She’ll… “call back?”

FRED
Yes. She’ll call you back.

MADISON
Wait, I miss a call, she leaves a message, she calls back? You sure? This is a total breech of phone etiquette. I mean, I woulda preferred a few texts in there before the phone call, but along with no power steering or vegan options, I’ve managed to adapt to these ancient times.

FRED
Fine. Now when you get there, just ask for the wallpaper Mrs. Andrews ordered.

MADISON
Do I get paid for any of this or are we talkin’ teenage slave labor?

FRED
I’ll give you fifty cents.

MADISON
How ’bout I give you a dollar to find somebody else?

FRED
Get going!

MADISON
I’m not old enough to make my own decisions, am I at least old enough to take your car or do I have to ride a bike to pick up wallpaper?

FRED
Take your mother’s car.

MARY
My car!

MADISON
Oh, I’m the “bad teenager driver” right? I’ll have you know, I’ve been driving for a decade. And that decade hasn’t happened yet, so none of my major accidents are on my driving record. I can actually qualify for insurance in this era.

SCENE TWO

FRED
All right, Mary, all we have to do while Madison is gone is move some furniture out of the way. Come over here and help me move the sofa.

MARY
Oh, but, Fred, it’s so heavy.

FRED
You just have to give it a little push.

MARY
Okay…

FRED
Put your back into it, Mary!

MARY
I’m… trying!

FRED
I’ll get it!

MARY
Oh!

FRED
You’ll never be able to move the sofa, Mary, if you’re lying on it. Hello?

MADISON
Hey, Dad, it’s Madison.

FRED
Oh, hello, Madison, how are you? Madison?! Where the dickens are you?

MADISON
“Dickens?” Watch your language, Dad, this is a family show.

FRED
You should be home by now!

MADISON
Well, I mentioned to the dude running this place that you’re making me help you put up the wallpaper.

FRED
All right, so?

MADISON
So he said, “what are you putting it up with.”

FRED
Putting it up “with”?

MADISON
I think he’s trying to upsell some wallpaper paste.

FRED
Oh, good grief, yes. Buy some paste.

MADISON
And a brush to put the paste on with?

FRED
I suppose so.

MADISON
And another kinda brush for smoothing out the paper after it’s up on the wall?

FRED
All right, Madison, get the other kind of brush, too.

MADISON
And a knife for trimming the edges.

FRED
Uh-huh.

MADISON
A ladder.

FRED
Uh-huh.

MADISON
A new pair of shoes.

FRED
Uh-huh. A new pair of shoes? Why do I need a new pair shoes to wallpaper?

MADISON
Those are for me because that fifty cents ain’t gonna cut it.

FRED
Madison, just have Mr. Johnson put the items he recommended on my account and get home!

MADISON
Wait, you have an account?

FRED
Of course.

MADISON
Just at this store or other places?

FRED
Most places in town, I suppose.

MADISON
Uh… I might be a little late. Bye!

FRED
A little late? What would make her a little late?

MARY
The shoe store next door to the wallpaper store?

FRED
Mary, remind me next time to have a son.

SCENE THREE

MADISON
Mom, Dad! I’m home!!

MARY
We’re in the living room, dear!

FRED
Well, it’s about time. What else could go wrong?

JUGHEAD
Hiya, Mr. Andrews!

FRED
Jughead!

JUGHEAD
Who’d you expect? Amos and Andy?

MADISON
Oof. No! The racism in that show makes Trump look woke.

FRED
Jughead, what are you doing here?

JUGHEAD
Gee whiz, I was helpin’ Madison carry in all the wallpaperin’ stuff.

MARY
Oh, Fred! Look at all this! Wouldn’t it’ve been cheaper to pay the paperhangers to do it? You’ve practically spent the whole fifty dollars!

MADISON
Close. Total came to thirty-eight dollars. But that includes the light bulbs I broke trying to carry the ladder out.

FRED
Wonderful.

JUGHEAD
And don’t forget the seventy-five cents Madison said you’d pay me to help!

FRED
Seventy-five cents?

MADISON
What you offered to pay me plus my commission.

MARY
Oh, Fred!

FRED
Well, now, Mary, just look at all the tools I’ll have left over. We’re still saving money.

MADISON
And by paying your entire labor force a grand total of one dollar and twenty-five cents, you’re a real American capitalist.

FRED
All right. Jughead, you get the paste.

JUGHEAD
Yessir!

FRED
Madison, hand me a roll of wallpaper. Hold on a moment. Where’s the wallpaper?

JUGHEAD
Not in here!

FRED
Thank you, Jughead.

MADISON
It must still be in the car. I’ll go get it.

JUGHEAD
The only thing still in the car are those boxes of new shoes you bought.

MADISON
Thank you, Jughead.

FRED
Madison!

MADISON
I must’ve forgot the wallpaper on the counter at the store.

FRED
Oh, but the shoes you didn’t forget.

MARY
Fred, Madison will just run back to the store and get the wallpaper.

MADISON
But what about my phone call from Veronica? Did she call while I was out? What did you tell her? She’s definitely calling me back? Oh these landlines are so stupid! At this point I’d gladly take a BlackBerry.

FRED
Madison, get going!

MADISON
Hey, Jughead. Wanna make an extra twenty-five cents?

JUGHEAD
What’d I gotta do?

MADISON
You go back to the store and get the wallpaper.

JUGHEAD
Do I get to drive your mom’s car?

MADISON
Sure.

MARY
What?!

JUGHEAD
Wow. If this keeps up, I’m gonna make a whole dollar!

MADISON
Livin’ the dream.

MARY
Fred…!

FRED
All right, Madison, you get the paste.

MARY
If you want me, I’ll be in the kitchen.

MADISON
Ooo, are you gonna make lunch? I love how old timey sitcom moms cook. The closest my mom ever came to cooking was lighting her cigarettes with the gas burner.

MARY
If you want someone to make lunch, ask your father. He seems to want to do everything himself today.

MADISON
Ouch. You might wanna look into buying those pearls after all, Dad. Or you’re gonna be sleepin’ alone on a couch in a newly wallpapered living room.

FRED
Stop talking and get to work. We’ve already lost the entire morning.

MADISON
I’ll get it!

FRED
Why me?

MADISON
Yello?

VERONICA
Hey, there, Madison! This is Veronica.

MADISON
O.M.G., girl! I thought I was gonna miss your call! S’up?

FRED
Madison! Make it quick! We have work to do!

VERONICA
Is that your father?

MADISON
He’s my sitcom dad. Mr. Brady he’s not.

VERONICA
Well, I am just dyin’ to come over and show you the new dress I got.

MADISON
Sweet! And I’ll show you the new shoes I got!

FRED
You’re taking those shoes back to the store!

MADISON
Should I take back the tampons I bought, too, so I can walk barefoot in the crimson tide?

VERONICA
What’d he say? What’d he say?

MADISON
Nothing. Mention any female bodily functions to your father and all conversation ends. I highly recommend this tactic if your dad likes to talk right wing politics.

VERONICA
So, Madison, I have to go downtown to meet my mother in a little while, but I’ll stop by on my way and show you my dress.

MADISON
Cool, I’ll see you soon. Later!

FRED
Why did you tell Veronica she should come over here?

MADISON
Again, ancient phones. I’d rather she just send me a selfie of her new dress and not have to do so much in person stuff, but Steve Jobs won’t be born until the ’50s so, here we are.

FRED
Well, can we please try and get something done?

MADISON
As soon as you get your foot out of the bucket of paste.

FRED
My foot out of the– Oh, no!

MADISON
Oh, yeah.

MARY
Fred, I’ve decided to go to the market and– What are you doing standing in the paste bucket?!

MADISON
If you’re applying the paste with your shoe, does that mean I need to go back to the store and return the brush? Because I’m running out of quarters to pay off Jughead.

MARY
Oh, for pity sakes, Fred! Don’t you dare take your foot out of there! You’ll get paste all over the floor! Madison, go out in the kitchen and get a rag for your father’s foot.

MADISON
Paperhangers lookin’ better and better, aren’t they, Dad?

FRED
Just get a rag! Mary, I can’t stand in this paste all day!

JUGHEAD
Mr. Andrews, I got the paper and– Gee whiz, Mr. Andrews. What are you doing standing in the paste?

FRED
Jughead, I am not standing in the paste because I wanted to. I didn’t see the bucket and–

MARY
Fred, keep your foot in that bucket!

FRED
Mary, this paste is cold and wet!

MADISON
I don’t know where you keep your rags, so I grabbed the apron behind the pantry door.

MARY
That’s my good apron!

MADISON
Your “good” apron? How many aprons you got? I’ve never worn an apron in my home. They made me wear one at Applebee’s and after that I swore off aprons. And polo shirts. Polo shirts: the universal uniform of crappy customer service jobs.

JUGHEAD
Here, Mrs. Andrews, use my rag.

MADISON
What were you doing with a rag in your back pocket?

JUGHEAD
Oh, you know, for rag emergencies.

MARY
Thank you, Jughead. All right, Fred, you can take your foot out now.

FRED
Oh, good grief, look at that. About half the paste is gone now.

MADISON
Yeah, it’s all in your shoe. See, maybe you did need wallpapering shoes.

FRED
Madison, you’ll have to go back and get more paste. We’ll never have enough now.

MADISON
But Veronica’s on her way over!

JUGHEAD I’ll go!

MADISON
Aw, thanks, Jughead!

JUGHEAD
For a price.

MADISON
Another quarter?

JUGHEAD
Deal!

MADISON
Dad, looks like I’m gonna need an advance on my allowance. Or your bank account routing number.

MARY
Now, Fred, clean up your shoe. I’m going to the market.

MADISON
Jughead just took your car.

MARY
Fred!

FRED
You can’t take mine, you don’t know how to drive a manual transmission.

MARY
I’ll be in the kitchen!

MADISON
Definitely get the pearls.

FRED
Enough out of you. Hand me that pair of scissors.

MADISON
These scissors?

FRED
Yes, those scissors — for cutting the paper.

MADISON
All right, all right. I’m guessin’ this show never had a “Father of the Year” episode.

FRED
Now, I’ll just unroll a long piece of paper — right on the floor — like that. Madison, you hold it flat on the floor while I cut.

MADISON
But–

FRED
Can you just hold this paper for one minute while I cut it?!

MADISON
But–

FRED
Madison! I’m losing my patience with you!

MADISON
Alrighty. I’m holdin’ it. Cut away.

FRED
Nothing to this job. Just be careful that I cut it straight. Follow this line of roses right across. And I’m almost through. Just one more snip and… there we are! See, Madison?

MADISON
I see… that you just cut the throw rug in half.

FRED
What?! The rug? Your mother’s… favorite rug?

MADISON
Oh! And those were also Mom’s sewing scissors. Should I just go ahead and book a flight for you out of the country?

MARY
Fred, when I go to the market I– What’s that you’re holding?

MADISON
Half a rug and scissors dull enough for preschoolers to play with.

MARY
My sewing scissors?! And my favorite scatter rug?! They’re both ruined, absolutely ruined!

FRED
Well, Mary, I–

MARY
Oh… I’ve had that rug for years!

FRED
Mary, I–

MARY
My mother gave it to me when we got married!

FRED
Mary, I–

MARY
Now, look at it!

MADISON
When you guys get divorced, I’m living with Mom.

MARY
Oh, Fred, how could you do a thing like that?!

FRED
Mary, look, I’ll buy you a new rug. And scissors.

MADISON
And pearls. A string of real pearls. The big ones that look like they could choke a horse.

MARY
A new rug? Well! I’ve been wanting a new rug for the longest time and I know where I can get a lovely new rug for only fifteen dollars.

FRED
Fifteen dollars? Oh, but, Mary–

MADISON
Dude, now is not time to protest. Negotiations are in your the favor.

MARY
Maybe I can sew this one together again and put it in the bathroom.

FRED
What’s the use?

MADISON
I got it!

FRED
No! I’ll get it! If you hadn’t been distracting me in the first place, I wouldn’t be buying a new rug.

MADISON
Oh, nice, Dad is deflecting blame on his child. Ever thought of becoming and absentee parent?

FRED
Hello?

BETTY
Hello, Mr. Andrews? This is Betty. Is Madison home?

FRED
No, Betty.

MADISON
It’s Betty? Gimme the phone–

FRED
I’m sorry, she’s not home.

MADISON
What?!

BETTY
She’s not? Are you sure? I thought I just heard her voice.

FRED
No, no, not home. You must’ve heard the radio.

MADISON
I’m here! I’m being held prisoner in my own home, forced to do slave labor!!

BETTY
Well, whatever radio show you’re listening to, it sure sounds like Madison.

FRED
Oh, that’s ridiculous. Who’d listen to a show with Madison?

MADISON
Hopefully a lot of people.

FRED
Betty, look, I will tell Madison you called, but I have to go. I’m trying to wallpaper the living room.

BETTY
Oh, you are?

FRED
Yes, I–

BETTY
Golly, I helped my father wallpaper the kitchen last year. Isn’t it fun? Can I come over and help?

FRED
Well–

BETTY
Ooh! Thanks, Mr. Andrews, I’ll be right over! Bye!

FRED
No, no, Betty. Wait! Betty? Hello?! Oh, great. She’s coming over to help.

MADISON
Break out another roll of quarters.

MARY
I’ve made sandwiches for lunch. Including one that is vegan and gluten free for you, Madison.

MADISON
Best sitcom mom ever!

FRED
“Vegan?” “Gluten-free?” What kind of crazy sandwich is that?

MARY
Oh, I have no idea. I just made the usual liverwurst on rye and called it that to make her happy.

FRED
Kids these days. Well, save mine for later. I’m about to hang the wallpaper.

MARY
You’re just starting to hang the wallpaper?

FRED
If I didn’t keep getting interrupted…

MARY
I’ll leave you to it.

FRED
All right, now we’re getting somewhere. Just need to smooth this piece out with the brush so there’re no bubbles from the paste–

JUGHEAD
I got the paste, Mr. Andrews! Here ya go, Mr. Andrews! Anything else I can do?

FRED
No, Jughead. Why don’t you go into the kitchen and have some lunch.

JUGHEAD
Golly! It’s lunchtime already? No wonder my stomach’s growlin’ so loud!

FRED
Yes, just don’t disturb me, all right?

JUGHEAD
Can I ask you a question first, Mr. Andrews?

FRED
Quickly, quickly, what is it?

JUGHEAD
Do those flowers look kinda droopy to you?

FRED
Droopy?

JUGHEAD
Sure. Droopy. They’re sorta hangin’ down, ain’t they?

FRED
Oh, no!

MADISON
Hey, Jughead. You gotta try my mom’s vegan sandwich. It’s called “liver is the worst” and it is so good!

FRED
I’m glad you’re finished with lunch, Madison, because you need to go to the store and pick up more wallpaper.

MADISON
What? Why?

JUGHEAD
Your dad hung the wallpaper upside down.

FRED
Well, if people weren’t coming and going all the time and the phone ringing off the hook–

MADISON
You just will not take responsibility for your own mistakes, will you? What’s your day job? You must be a manager.

JUGHEAD
Aw, does that mean I gotta go back to the store?

MADISON
Look, I got Veronica and Betty comin’ over. I would be a bad hostess if I wasn’t home to receive them. In fact, I should probably be getting some Sara Lee cakes out or somethin’, right?

JUGHEAD
Do I get another quarter?

FRED
Yes, Jughead, just go.

JUGHEAD
Look on the bright side, Mr. Andrews. Maybe when the paper dries, the roses will straighten up!

FRED
Ugh. The friends you keep, Madison.

MADISON
What do you want from a guy called “Jughead?”

JUGHEAD
Oh! Hiya, Betty!

BETTY
Jughead.

FRED
And here comes another one.

BETTY
Hello, Mr. Andrews. Here I am! Oh, hiya, Madison! You must’ve just gotten here.

MADISON
Yeah, I got stuck in traffic on my commute from the kitchen to the living room.

BETTY
Oh. So, how can I help?

MADISON
You actually want to help put up wallpaper?

BETTY
Sure!

MADISON
You’re the goodie-two-shoes one, aren’t you? What can I say. I look like a Betty, but I’m definitely a Veronica.

FRED
Betty, maybe if you and Madison and I form a sort of assembly line, we can get something done.

BETTY
All right!

MADISON
I guess.

FRED
Madison, you cut the paper and, Betty, you put the paste on it, and I’ll–

MADISON
Wait a minute! He’ll what? Where is he going?

BETTY
It’s time for our sponsor to visit.

MADISON
The sponsor’s at the front door?

BETTY
Sure, he visits every episode. And the writers have to find a way to make it plausible.

MADISON
Okay, I gotta see this.

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Hello, Mr. Andrews.

FRED
Oh, hello, Mr. Sherry.

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Well, what’s going on in here?

FRED
Oh, I’m wallpapering the living room, Mr. Sherry, but I’m having a little trouble.

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Trouble? Now, why should–

MADISON
Hey, who’re you?

FRED
Madison! Don’t interrupt Mr. Sherry! Go on with what you were saying, Mr. Sherry.

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
That’s all right, Mr. Andrews. I was just saying that I wallpapered my living room a few months ago and I didn’t have a bit of trouble!

FRED
You didn’t? How did you do it, Mr. Sherry?

MADISON
Does the sponsor pay us for every time you say “Mr. Sherry”?

FRED
Madison…

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Well, first thing I did was go down to the grocery store.

FRED
Oh? The grocery store, Mr. Sherry?

MADISON
“Mr. Sherry, Mr. Sherry, Mr. Sherry.” How much money did we make?

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
And at the grocery store I got the new handy one-pound package of Swift’s Premium Franks!

MADISON
So, you’re here peddling hot dogs?

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Swift’s Premium Franks.

MADISON
Swift?! Like Taylor Swift?!

FRED
Mr. Sherry, how did buying the Swift’s Premium Franks help you wallpaper your living room?

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Well, when you’re doing a difficult job like that, you need a good substantial lunch. And there’s no finer lunch than those plump delicious Swift’s Premium Franks made of all-dinner-quality meat. Swift-quality meat!

FRED
Sounds delicious, Mr. Sherry!

MADISON
Hot dogs, Taylor Swift hot dogs! What kinds of kids eat Taylor Swift hot dogs? Fat kids, skinny kids, kids who climb on rocks, tough kids, sissy kids… O.M.G.! This jingle is so offensive! I’m sorry I dragged you into this joke, Taylor! Just– just go to the promo break!

PROMO BREAK

SCENE FOUR

ANNOUNCER/SHERRY
Well, while Madison handled the promo break, Mr. Andrews took advantage of Betty’s go-getter attitude and soon the two had successfully wallpapered an entire wall. We rejoin them as Madison comes back into the living room.

MADISON
Hey, that actually looks pretty good. All the flowers are right side up. Before it looked like a botanical garden in a drought.

FRED
I don’t see why you’re so surprised. With the right help, this job isn’t hard at all.

BETTY
Why, thank you, Mr. Andrews!

MADISON
“Thank you, Mr. Andrews” Well, you and your fabulous assistant better hurry up and finish. It’s getting late. The sun’s goin’ down.

FRED
Don’t be ridiculous! It’s only one o’clock in the afternoon!

MADISON
Then why is it so dark in here?

MARY
Is Jughead back with my car yet? Fred, what happened to the window?

FRED
Window?

MARY
On that wall. You papered over the window!

FRED
Betty!

BETTY
I just handed you the strips of wallpaper. You put them up, Mr. Andrews!

MADISON
Wallpapering over the sun, plummeting everything into darkness. It’s like a teenage goth bedroom.

JUGHEAD
I got the paper, Mr. Andrews!

MARY
What are you going to do about it, Fred?

JUGHEAD
Gee whiz. That wallpaper sure makes the room look dark.

MADISON
I suddenly have an urge to listen to The Cure.

BETTY
Mr. Andrews papered over the window, Jughead.

JUGHEAD
Why’d you go and do that?

FRED
I didn’t!

MARY
Well, you can’t just leave it like that!

JUGHEAD
Nothing to worry about, Mrs. Andrews. Just cut the paper off where it covers the window and everything will be all right.

FRED
Yes, Jughead, but where does it cover the window?

JUGHEAD
Oh, that’s easy. Just thump around on the wall. You’ll find it! See? There it is!

MADISON
Jughead, I think you just spent that dollar fifty you made.

JUGHEAD
You want that I should go back to the store and get some glass?

FRED
No! This time I want Madison to go.

MADISON
But Veronica is still supposed to come over!

BETTY
Veronica? She’s not helping with the wallpaper, is she? It doesn’t seem up her alley.

MADISON
Ooo. Sandra Dee’s got claws.

FRED
I am not concerned about Veronica and her new dress. Go get the window glass, Madison!

MADISON
Too late! She’s here!

JUGHEAD
I’ll go get the glass, Mr. Andrews!

FRED
For twenty-five cents?

JUGHEAD
Yup! Back in a jiffy!

MARY
Oh, no! There he goes with my car again. I’ll never make it to the market.

FRED
All right, Betty, you go outside and clean up the broken glass.

MARY
Come along, Betty, I’ll show you where the dustpan is.

BETTY
Okay, Mrs. Andrews.

FRED
Papering over the window, could this day get any worse?

VERONICA
Well, helloooo, Mr. Andrews!

FRED
Oh, wonderful. The Southern Belle of Riverdale.

MADISON
O.M.G.! Dad, don’t you just love Veronica’s new dress? And don’t you just totally want to buy me one?

FRED
Uh, it’s lovely, Veronica.

VERONICA
Thank you, Mr. Andrews.

MADISON
I gotta show you my new shoes. I didn’t think I’d ever get into 40’s shoes because of the distinct lack of thigh-high stiletto boots, but I am a shoe-girl and these are so cute!

VERONICA
I’d love to see them! Where are they?

MADISON
They’re in car. Oh! Jughead just took the car.

VERONICA
He did? Whatever for?

MADISON
The warden, here, has us wallpapering the living room.

VERONICA
Didn’t there used to be a window over there?

FRED
I’ll be outside seeing how the glass clean up is going.

VERONICA
You really like my new dress, Madison? You’re sure you’re not just sayin’ that just to make me feel good?

MADISON
I cannot remember a time I told anyone anything just to make them feel good.

VERONICA
Well, thank you. I’m glad I stopped by, but I have to run along now.

BETTY
Madison! Your father wants you to cut the wallpaper– Oh. Veronica. I didn’t realize you were here.

VERONICA
I was just showin’ Madison my new dress. Seems I’ve seen yours around for a few years now, hmm?

BETTY
I wore this because I was helping Mr. Andrews wallpaper!

MADISON
Yeah, and apparently she’s the daughter he never had.

VERONICA
Well, Betty has always been good with “helpin’ around the house.”

MADISON
Seriously. And who offers to help a friend’s dad wallpaper?

BETTY
Well! I didn’t realize being helpful was such a character flaw!

MADISON
It’s just sad that you so crave validation that you kiss-up to everyone. There should be a twelve step program for people addicted to being nice. It’s unnatural.

VERONICA
And terribly annoying.

MADISON
Truth.

BETTY
Oh, is that so? Well, Veronica Lodge and Madison Andrews, for two cents, I’d give you both a paste in the mouth — and I do mean paste!

VERONICA
What do you think you’re gonna do with that paste brush?

MADISON
Uh-oh! We made the girl-next-door angry. She might use her virginity powers!

VERONICA
You’re not a v-i-r-g-i-n?

MADISON
No, I’m a s-l-u-t.

BETTY
Take that, the both of you!

VERONICA
You hit me!

BETTY
How does it feel to have paste in your face, Madison!

MADISON
Familiar. Remember, s-l-u-t.

VERONICA
Well, I’ll show you how paste feels, Betty Cooper!

BETTY
Veronica! Put that paste bucket down! You hit me!

MADISON
This reminds me of my sorority fundraiser. Say what you want about ladies’ mud wrestling, it’s a crowd pleaser. Keep hitting me with that paste and I will go Dwayne Johnson on your ass… when he was still The Rock and not doing Disney movies.

JUGHEAD
Oh, boy, what a fight!

FRED
Girls! Girls! What’s going on here?!

JUGHEAD
Just a little war!

FRED
Who hit me?! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There. That’s better! Now listen to me, all of you. This nonsense has gone far enough!

JUGHEAD
I dunno. I liked it.

MADISON
Well, Jughead’s finally hit puberty.

FRED
Quiet! Now, I am really surprised at you girls fighting like alley cats. Aren’t you ashamed of yourselves?

BETTY
Yes, Mr. Andrews.

VERONICA
Yes, Mr. Andrews.

MADISON
No. That was barely a cat fight. No one called the cops and TMZ isn’t trying to get any photos.

VERONICA
But just look at what Betty did to my new dress. It’s ruined!

BETTY
And Veronica ruined my new hairdo!

MADISON
That’s a new hairdo?

VERONICA
I thought she found it in the back of her closet with that dress.

BETTY
I’ll scratch your eyes out!

VERONICA
I’d like to see you try!

BETTY
I’ll show you!

MADISON
Back off, Pretty, Pretty Princess!

FRED
Now, girls, girls! Don’t start fighting again. Veronica, I’ll buy you a new dress.

VERONICA
You will?

FRED
Yes. And Betty, I’ll pay for a new permanent for you.

BETTY
Oh, golly, thanks, Mr. Andrews!

MADISON
I’ll just take a one time cash payment.

FRED
I’ll deal with you later. Now, does that settle everything?

BETTY
Uh-huh!

VERONICA
Uh-huh!

FRED
All right. Now, for Pete’s sake, let’s quit all this nonsense and get this wallpaper finished!

JUGHEAD
Does this mean I gotta go buy more paste?

FRED
No! We’ll just scrape off what we can from the girls.

JUGHEAD
I volunteer to scrape!

MADISON
You come anywhere near me with those teenage male hormones and I will personally make sure no girl ever jugs your head.

JUGHEAD
Uh… I think my mother wanted me home now.

FRED
We’re almost finished! If we all pitch in!

VERONICA
Me, too?

MADISON
Don’t try to pull that diva crap now. Covered in that paste, you look like an underbaked Gingerbread cookie made by a toddler.

FRED
Less talking and more working!

MARY
Is Jughead back– Oh, my goodness! Would you look at this mess?!

FRED
Now, now, Mary! It always looks worse before the dawn.

MADISON
How will we know when it’s dawn? You papered over the window.

MARY
I’m going to the market.

FRED
We’ll be done by the time you get back!

MADISON
Take a really long time at the market, though. Maybe grab a bite. Catch a movie.

MARY
My poor living room…

MADISON
I am so not a D.I.Y. person. I’m a Y.D.I. person. You do it.

SCENE FIVE

MARY
I’m back! Do I come into the living room or go upstairs to bed to cry?

FRED
Mary! Mary, come and look, dear!

MARY
Why, Fred! It’s… it’s–

MADISON
Finished. Done. And when you speak of it to others, you will remember the sacrifices made here today, a day that will live in wallpaper infamy.

FRED
Despite all our troubles, we got the job finished in hardly any time at all.

MADISON
Maybe if you’re going by union contractor standards.

MARY
And how much did you spend to do it?

FRED
Well, now let’s see. Thirty-eight dollars at the store the first time. Then the extra paste, about four dollars. And the extra paper, a dollar. The rug fifteen dollars, the window was three dollars.

JUGHEAD
I made a dollar seventy-five!

VERONICA
My dress is twenty-five dollars.

BETTY
My permanent is five dollars.

MADISON
Don’t look at me. The shoes were an unrelated expense.

FRED
I did offer you that original fifty cents, Madison, so the total is ninety-three dollars and twenty-five cents.

MARY
That’s over forty-three dollars more than the paperhanger wanted!

MADISON
And my Saturday was ruined, so I’m taking Monday off from school.

FRED
You can’t take Monday off from school, Madison.

MADISON
Why? Do I gotta get my shift covered? Jughead, will you work my English Lit class for me?

JUGHEAD
Gee whiz. We’re in the same class.

MADISON
Oh, you’re already working? Betty? Veronica? I’ll cover your Biology class next week.

MARY
Ya know, Fred, looking at this wallpaper…

FRED
Yeah, Mary, what do you think?

MARY
It’s too fancy. I think paint would be much neater and simpler.

FRED
Oh, no!

MADISON
Classic sitcom ending. Okay, I’m gonna get out of here. I can feel my acne flaring up and if I stay much longer, I might need braces. Hope you enjoyed our first comedy adaptation and it wasn’t as awkward as this training bra. Uck. Later!

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“Archie Andrews” the character was first published in December, 1941 in Pep Comics number 22 in hopes of capturing the audience from the Mickey Rooney “Andy Hardy” movies. Archie was so popular that a year later “Archie Comics” was born, and by 1943, Archie had his own radio show on the NBC Blue network. The radio series would change formats, bounce around to different networks, and even go through a few casts before it hit it’s stride in 1945. “Archie Andrews” the radio series would run through 1953, but that was by no means the end for Archie. His adventures have continued in comics, TV series – both animated and live action – several films, and even a reboot in the comics focused on his son. No matter what form Archie takes, he’s definitely America’s favorite red-headed teenager.