MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE ADVENTURES OF MAISIE” – THE ACME SURPLUS TRUCK

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JUNE 2024

SCENE ONE

JERK
Hiya, babe! Say, how about a little– Ouch!

WOMAN
Does that answer your question, Buster?

JERK
Hiya, babe! Say, how about a little– Ohhhh!!!!

MADISON
Yeah… I’m not a 1940’s girl who would just slap you in the face and ha-ha isn’t that funny you’re sexist. I’m gonna make sure it hurts when you pee.

ANNOUNCER
The Adventures of Maisie!

MADISON
The Adventures of Madison.

ANNOUNCER Madison?

MADISON
You saw what I did to that other guy.

ANNOUNCER
The Adventures of Madison!

MADISON
Okay, so usually you guys show up when I’m zapped into a new old timey radio show and, I, like, go on an adventure with some detective or superhero or whatever, right? But — you may be wondering — what happens to Madison in between the old timey radio shows? Well, sometimes the zap is really fast, but sometimes it drags out. And if I haven’t made any money in the last old timey radio show I did, I gotta find a job. So I take jobs as a secretary or in a department store, or waiting tables — all for forty cents an hour. FORTY FREAKIN’ CENTS. I mean, I know everything costs less than modern day, but OHMYGAWD FORTY CENTS FOR A WHOLE HOUR. Any-hoo, usually me workin’ crap jobs is pretty boring and not even worth reporting, but this last one got a little crazy. It started when I saw a “help wanted” sign in a window and went inside…

PERSONNEL GUY
Yes, Miss, what can I do for you?

MADISON
I’ll take it.

PERSONNEL GUY
Take what?

MADISON
The job. How much does it pay? I know my worth and it’s fifty cents an hour.

PERSONNEL GUY
Well, all right, but they just raised the minimum wage to seventy- five cents an hour.

MADISON
It must be 1949! Score! That’s not just a raise for fast food workers, is it?

PERSONNEL GUY
Fast food?

MADISON
Okay, great.

PERSONNEL GUY
We have several openings. What are you experienced at?

MADISON
Stuff.

PERSONNEL GUY
“Stuff?” Anything specific?

MADISON
Do you have opening for a makeup influencer?

PERSONNEL GUY
A what now?

MADISON
Worth a shot. Whatcha got?

PERSONNEL GUY
Well, we can use a comptometrist.

MADISON
Don’t know what that is.

PERSONNEL GUY
A lithograph operator.

MADISON
Don’t know what that is.

PERSONNEL GUY
A stenographer.

MADISON
Don’t know what that is.

PERSONNEL GUY
Do you know what a typist is?

MADISON
Yes. But apparently typing seventy words a minute with your thumbs isn’t a transferable skill in the 1940s.

PERSONNEL GUY
Look, Miss. All we take care of here is war surplus.

MADISON
There’s gotta be something!

PERSONNEL GUY
I’m sorry, but–

MADISON
I’m an experienced driver!

PERSONNEL GUY
Driver?

MADISON
Sure! Lyft, Uber, Uber Eats — until I was caught eating French fries outta customers’ bags.

PERSONNEL GUY
I… don’t think we require a driver–

MADISON
Those are your trucks out front, right? I can drive a truck!

PERSONNEL GUY
A truck driver? But you’re a woman.

MADISON
Oh, what. I don’t have a penis, so I can’t drive a stick? Trust me… I can drive a stick. And for that, I can provide a long list of references.

PERSONNEL GUY
I’m sorry, but it’s impossible. Women truck drivers, it just isn’t being done.

MADISON
Didn’t women drive trucks in the war? Yeah! Bea Arthur drove trucks for the freakin’ Marines. She is seven layers of bad-ass.

PERSONNEL GUY
Maybe practice some of that typing and get back to me. Good day.

MADISON
Douche nozzle. Ow! Dude! The Hell?

CHARLIE
Oh, I’m very sorry, Miss. Here, let me help you up.

MADISON
Thanks. Aw, man! I gotta run in my nylons. I can’t believe women wore these stupid things for decades! Until you wear nylons you don’t realize how the entire world is nothing but a snagging hazard.

CHARLIE
Oh, gosh, maybe you’re hurt. Maybe you better sit!

MADISON
Dial it down a notch, little man. The only thing hurt are the silk worms who are gonna have to make me another pair.

CHARLIE
I’m sorry, I can’t help it. You see, I’m gonna have a baby.

MADISON
If women in the 40s aren’t allowed to drive trucks, men probably aren’t allowed to have babies. Unless… are you wearing nylons?

CHARLIE
Wha…? Oh! No, I mean, my wife’s gonna have a baby.

MADISON
Poor woman. Married to you and having your child. Double whammy.

CHARLIE
It could be tonight. The baby, I mean. You know how it is.

MADISON
No, I don’t know how it is. It might be a shocker to you, but not every female on this planet is scrambling to spawn.

CHARLIE
Since it could be tonight, that’s why I’ve gotta be there. To take her to the hospital. I can’t lose my job! Babies costs a lot of money!

MADISON
Maybe you should’ve thought about that before you knocked her up.

CHARLIE
I drive a truck.

MADISON
Oh, then you must have a penis.

CHARLIE
I drive for this company. I work nights. But I shouldn’t tonight because I got a feeling that it’s gonna happen. But the money! I’m afraid to tell ’em. But I must, mustn’t I?

MADISON
Boy, your kid is gonna need a lot of therapy.

CHARLIE
I’m Charlie Pilsudski, by the way.

MADISON
Pilsudski? Yeah, that kid’s definitely gonna need therapy.

CHARLIE
How do you do, Miss, uh…

MADISON
Standish. Madison Standish. And since you asked, not doin’ so great.

CHARLIE You’re not?

MADISON
Is it my turn? Am I allowed to speak?

CHARLIE
Maybe it’ll help me get my mind off of the baby.

MADISON
Okay, well, half listening is better than none. I was here trying to get a job driving a truck.

CHARLIE
You drive a truck? But you’re a woman.

MADISON
That kid of yours is gettin’ genius genes.

CHARLIE
Say, maybe…

MADISON
What?

CHARLIE
No, it’s crazy.

MADISON
What?

CHARLIE
Hey, but on the other hand!

MADISON
What?!

CHARLIE
It won’t work.

MADISON
All right, ya know what? Gotta go.

CHARLIE
Would you take over tonight’s run to ‘Frisco? I begged off two runs this week already and if I tell the boss I can’t make it again tonight because my wife’s time is gettin’ too close and I oughta be with her, they’ll fire me. And jobs ain’t easy to get!

MADISON
I know. Tough bein’ a young white male in America.

CHARLIE
Would… would you do it? Please?

MADISON
Me?

CHARLIE
Please? I’ll do anything! I’ll even name the baby after you!

MADISON
“Madison Pilsudski”? Why don’t we just stick to you paying me for my time.

CHARLIE
Oh, thank you!

MADISON
I’ll drive your truck to… “‘Frisco.” Do I have to call it “‘Frisco?” No one calls it “‘Frisco.”

CHARLIE
Call it whatever you want! You just be at the loading platform at eleven-thirty tonight. I’ll have the truck all loaded and ready for you to take off in a hurry.

MADISON
Sounds like a plan.

CHARLIE
Oh, but you’re a woman.

MADISON
Are we taking this scene back to the top? And… action. “You drive a truck? But you’re a woman?!”

CHARLIE
I mean, if a cop should stop you driving a truck without a license, how will you get out of it?

MADISON
I’ll show him my gun license.

CHARLIE
You have a gun?

MADISON
No, I have a gun license. O.M.G., you do not want me to have a gun.

CHARLIE
Then why do you have a gun license?

MADISON
For a minute there you were terrified thinking I had a gun. And there’s something satisfying about creating that moment of fear.

SCENE TWO

PETEY
Lefty! Take it easy loadin’ that loot on the truck.

LEFTY
What are ya so jumpy about, Petey?

PETEY
Come on, come on. Let’s get the rest of this stuff in the truck. I promised Shoylee I’d be back in time to give her another lesson on pickin’ locks. She’s ambitious, that goyle a’ mine.

LEFTY
My Moytel’s the same. Wants me to let her do one of these here warehouse jobs. But I keep tellin’ her the boss won’t go fer it.

PETEY
All right, let’s get this load loaded.

LEFTY
Keep your shirt on, will ya?

PETEY
But it’s twenty miles to the meet up with Blackie. He don’t like to be kept waitin’.

LEFTY
Ain’t gonna be much room for any more stuff in here. Charlie loaded it pretty full.

PETEY
Charlie? Who’s Charlie?

LEFTY
Charlie Pilsudski, the guy who drives this here load. I seen his name on a license when I checked the gas gauge.

PETEY
He’s gonna be surprised when he “unexpectedly” gets the night off.

LEFTY
Yeah. And I drive his truck.

PETEY
Who says you get to drive?

LEFTY
Aw, come on now, Petey! You drove the last one.

PETEY
Yeah but– Shh! Lefty, quick, under the truck!

LEFTY
What? Why?

PETEY
Quiet, ya goof! There’s a cop!

LEFTY
Let’s get hid!

OFFICER
And just where dah ya think you’re goin’, Miss?

MADISON
What’s it to you?

OFFICER
Fine way to talk to an officer of the law!

MADISON
Is that Irish accent for real?

OFFICER
What? A’course it be real!

MADISON
Seriously? I can’t imagine the Irish cop stereotype in modern day. Like if an LAPD officer pulled me over and sounded like you, I’d offer him “Lucky Charms” and end my day in jail.

OFFICER
Answer the question, Miss.

MADISON
I’m driving this truck.

OFFICER
Are ya now?

MADISON
“They’re magically delicious.”

OFFICER
Ya drive this truck, do ya? Ya got yerself a license, then?

MADISON
Of course! Here.

OFFICER
This is a license to possess a firearm. Do you have a firearm on yer person?!

MADISON
No, but that was better than a jump scare, wasn’t it?

OFFICER
All righty, then, if’n ya don’t have a truck drivin’ license, ya ain’t gunna board this vehicle.

MADISON
I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Your accent is so cute.

OFFICER
What’s that now?

MADISON
Can you say, “I’m Black and I’m proud.”

OFFICER
That’s it. I’m takin’ ya in.

MADISON
You’re arresting me? For what?

OFFICER
Annoyin’ a police officer.

MADISON
No, wait, hang on! Uh… This is my boyfriend’s truck, actually. He’s gonna drive it. I’m just a passenger.

OFFICER
You be taggin’ along with him, then?

MADISON
Road trip. Woo-hoo.

OFFICER
Well then, why dinna ya say that in the first place?!

MADISON
I hadn’t thought of it yet.

OFFICER
Yer boyfriend be meetin’ ya here, is he?

MADISON
Uh… Yeah. Any minute now.

OFFICER
Well, it ain’t safe for a girl to be waitin’ around in a dark alley all by her lonesome. I’ll just keep ya company till he gets here.

MADISON
Wow. Talk about “Luck of the Irish.”

LEFTY
The cop, he’s comin’ up to the truck.

PETEY
Yeah, and he’s got a dame wit ‘im.

LEFTY
Thems gettin’ too close fer comfort.

PETEY
Shh! Quiet, quiet. Keep down under here.

LEFTY
But she’s gettin’ in the truck. Hey, suppose-in’ she drives it off!

PETEY
Whoever heard of a dame drivin’ a truck, ya dope!

LEFTY
It’s still my turn to drive the truck.

PETEY
Like fun it is!

MADISON
Well, officer, thank you for walking me the whole eight feet to the truck. I feel very safe. You are doing an ah-mazing job.

OFFICER
Oh, why, thank ya, Miss. Whatcha startin’ the engine up fer?

MADISON
It’s cold in here. I wanted to run the heater.

OFFICER
Ah. I see. Didya just put the truck into gear?

MADISON
Oh… is that what I did? I thought that lever was for the fan.

OFFICER
Be careful now! Ya dunna wanna be –DRIVIN’ OFF! Wait! Stop! Come back ‘ere!

LEFTY
Petey! Don’t look now, but some dames can drive trucks!

PETEY
Yeah! Come on, we gotta run after her!

OFFICER/PETEY/LEFTY
Wait! Stop! Come back! Hold it! Hey, lady! Oof! Ow! Ah! Ugh! Gah!

OFFICER
Well, well, well, look who it is. It’s Lefty and Petey Boy. Are ya still specializin’ in robbin’ warehouses, then?

PETEY
Look, Officer, we didn’t do nothin’!

OFFICER
Well, from now on, you’ll be doin’ plenty. About ten years. And so will your little Goldilocks!

LEFTY
Goldilocks?

OFFICER
The cute little trick what’s workin’ whitchya. Yeah, she won’t be gettin’ very far with that stolen truck.

SCENE THREE

MADISON
“Movin’ right along… bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, baaahhh…” Okay, that’s probably all we can get away with before YouTube sites us for copyright infringement. Or God himself! Jim Henson’s up there goin’ “Don’t mess with the Muppets! My kids sold them to Disney!” Man, the rains comin’ down hard. Where’s a good California drought when you need one? Oh! There’s a dude out there waving for me to stop. The murderous hitchhiker troupe doesn’t really start till the late 60s, right? It’s safe to pick him up.

HELEN
Thanks for stoppin’, Mack.

MADISON
No worries. Hop on in.

HELEN
Rain came outta nowhere.

MADISON
Where ya headed?

HELEN
Say! You’re a woman truck driver!

MADISON
Look, dude, congratulations on your penis, but even people with lady parts can operate heavy machinery.

HELEN
Puh– I don’t have a– one of those.

MADISON
Oh. Did you lose it in the war?

HELEN
I’m not a man.

MADISON
Just because you have an injury — there — doesn’t make you less of a man.

HELEN
No, I’m a woman. Names Helen O’Rourke.

MADISON
O.M.G., you’re Irish!

HELEN
Well, what’s so funny about being Irish?

MADISON
Inside joke for anyone who heard scene two. Actually, as an Irish person yourself, you might be offended by it. The cop was written like a leprechaun.

HELEN Cop?

MADISON
Never mind, never mind. B.T.W., I’m Madison Standish. ‘Sup.

HELEN
B.T… ? Nice to meet ya.

MADISON
So — small talk — what’re you doin’ out here alone at night dressed like a man?

HELEN
I’m hitchhiking to Portland for a job. And I’m not “dressed like a man.” These are my work clothes.

MADISON
Really? Flannel shirt and pants? Where do you get a job in the 1940s that doesn’t require nylons? Seriously asking.

HELEN
You’re looking at Helen O’Rourke, girl lumberjack.

MADISON
I just found a 1940’s lesbian in the wild!

HELEN
What?

MADISON
Hey! You’re a lumberjack and you’re okay.

HELEN
Uh… Thanks?

MADISON
I’m sorry, I’m excited! I didn’t think there were female lumberjacks in the 1940s.

HELEN
Well, I didn’t think there were female truck drivers.

MADISON
Good point. But I’m only a temp truck driver, though. Until I get zapped into the next old timey radio show.

HELEN
Uh-huh. Well, hey, speakin’ of the radio. Mind if we turn it on? Maybe we’ll get the weather report for when this storm’s gonna let up.

MADISON
Oh, okay, sure.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
We interrupt this program to bring you a late news flash. Attention, local police. Be on the lookout for a ten ton truck believed to be headed north on the San Francisco Coast Route.

HELEN
Say, Madison, we’re on the coast route, aren’t we?

MADISON
Since that’s the ocean on our left, I’m gonna say, “yes.”

RADIO ANNOUNCER
The truck, loaded with army surplus material, was stolen earlier this evening from the warehouse of the Acme War Surplus Company.

HELEN
Say, Madison, this an Acme truck, isn’t it?

MADISON
Since “Acme” is written on the side of the truck, I’m gonna say, “yes.”

RADIO ANNOUNCER
The driver of the stolen truck is a woman.

HELEN
Say, Madison, you’re a woman truck driver, aren’t you?

MADISON
Since I have a vagina, I’m gonna say, “yes.”

RADIO ANNOUNCER
She is described as being about five feet six.

HELEN
Are you five feet six?

MADISON
Only in heels.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
She’s a glamorous blonde.

HELEN
Are you a glamorous blonde?

MADISON
You don’t think so?

RADIO ANNOUNCER
She may be armed, as she reportedly has a gun license.

HELEN
A gun?!

MADISON
Gun license. There’s a distinction.

RADIO ANNOUNCER
And she is reputed to be a member of the notorious Blackie Leonard gang.

HELEN
The Blackie Leonard gang?!

MADISON
Is that anything like Kool and the Gang?

RADIO ANNOUNCER
All motorists are requested to report to the police immediately if you’ve seen this stolen truck and this desperate gun moll.

MADISON
Enough with the news. “Celebrate good times, come on!”

HELEN
Hey, uh, why don’t you just let me out here, huh?

MADISON
“Celebrate” — come on, sing with me — “Good times, come on!”

HELEN
Please let me out.

MADISON
“It’s a celebration–” What? Why? It’s pitch black and pouring rain out there! And this is a wedding reception staple.

HELEN
That’s all right. I can catch the next truck.

MADISON
But what if the next truck is the stolen Acme truck driven by a five foot six gorgeous blonde who–

HELEN
Ahem.

MADISON
Oh, crap. They were talking about me, weren’t they?

HELEN
Sure sounded like it.

MADISON
Aw, man! This is like the time they put out an Amber alert and got the license plate number wrong, so all of Los Angeles was reporting me everywhere I went! I got pulled over so many times I started carrying a box of donuts for the cops.

HELEN
So it’s not you?

MADISON
Well, no, it’s me, but I didn’t steal the truck! I’m driving it for Charlie Pilsudski whose wife’s having a baby! Oh! That stupid Irish cop!

HELEN
Hey!

MADISON
Sorry. That stupid cop who happens to be Irish.

HELEN
Watch out for that car!

MADISON
Dude! The hell is that guy doin’ drivin’ like that?! I do not understand people who cut off trucks. Like, you think you’re little Ford Taurus is gonna win against a ten ton road Godzilla?

HELEN
The man’s getting out.

MADISON
Oh, you cut me off and now you’re comin’ after me?

HELEN
He’s got a gun in his hand!

MADISON
So he does. Really wishing I had more than just a gun license right about now.

BLACKIE
Good work, Babe. You got to the rendezvous here right on schedule.

MADISON
This is the rendezvous? I’ve been to San Francisco in the 40s. This is not San Francisco — unless there was a devastating earthquake I didn’t hear about?

HELEN
Not that I know of.

BLACKIE
The tough part’s all over, Shoylee.

HELEN
Shirley?

MADISON
Shoylee. You’re Irish, he’s Gangster.

BLACKIE
Yeah, this is Petey’s goyle, Shoylee. Ain’t it, Moytel?

MADISON
You’re “Moytel.”

BLACKIE
I’m proud of you goyles. You know, there ain’t nobody that’s got a better appreciation of feminine turpitude than Blackie Leonard.

HELEN
Blackie Leonard!

BLACKIE
Nice ta meet cha. I hoid all about youz goyles from Petey and Lefty. Bad break for dem, huh?

MADISON
Being named “Petey” and “Lefty” yeah, bad break.

BLACKIE
But I’m sure they’ll be out in five to ten.

HELEN
Out?

BLACKIE
Ya heard they got nabbed, didn’tcha? Picked up at the warehouse. Youz two are Petey and Lefty’s molls ain’t cha?

MADISON
Oh, coytenly we’re their… “molls” was it?

HELEN
That means prostitute.

MADISON
Then I better be getting paid more than seventy-five cents an hour.

BLACKIE
We gotta get this truck to the hideout before the cops spot it. And then, uh, maybe, when we’re settled down nice and cozy like, youz two and me can, uh… You know.

HELEN
Aw, no!

BLACKIE
What, no?

MADISON
Yo, ‘ho! I’m your ‘ho. Right here. Moytels more of a one-gangster kinda girl but, uh, I’m… open to other… options.

BLACKIE
Heh-heh, well, I am partial to blondes.

MADISON
Goodie.

BLACKIE
I’ll be back in a sec, doll. I gotta tell the boys to follow us down.

HELEN
Well, great! Just what do you propose we do now, Shoylee? Keep pretending to be gun molls?

MADISON
Or tell him we’re not the gun molls and he shoots us?

HELEN
Why did I decide to hitchhike?!

MADISON
I’ve never seen this happen to a hitchhiker on Dateline NBC.

HELEN
I can’t believe you got me into this!

MADISON
Hey! I’m the one whose gonna have to trip the light fandango with this guy whose got the body hair of a chimpanzee with a hormone problem!

BLACKIE
Okay, chicks, we’re all set. Move over, Babe.

HELEN
Yeah, okay.

BLACKIE
Say, you’re pretty wet, too, Moytle. Was it rainin’ down in L.A.?

HELEN Uh…

MADISON
We had a flat. She got out and changed the tire.

BLACKIE
Youz changed a truck tire all by yerself?

MADISON
She’s got the arms of a lumberjack.

BLACKIE
Too bad you’re Lefty’s goyle. Okay, Shoylee, you can get goin’ to the hideout. The boys’ll follow us.

MADISON
Hideout?

BLACKIE
Petey told you where it is, a’course.

MADISON
Petey… said it was a secret hideout. And he would take that secret to his grave.

BLACKIE
Well, how ’bout dat? I didn’t know Petey was so loyal.

MADISON
Maybe we shouldn’t hook up then. In honor of Petey’s loyalty to you.

BLACKIE
He’s loyal to me, ‘cuz I’m da boss. Don’t mean I gotta be loyal ta him.

MADISON
That sounds about right.

BLACKIE
Okay, shove over. I’ll take the wheel.

MADISON
Ow! Wait, Myrtle, you gotta go to the right.

HELEN
I’m trying!

BLACKIE
Hang on, I’m caught on somethin’.

MADISON
Don’t pull me!

BLACKIE
Unbuckle your seatbelt!

HELEN
Ah! My knee!

MADISON
Move over Myrtle!

HELEN
My foot’s stuck!

BLACKIE
Shoylee! You gotta unbuckle your seatbelt!

MADISON
I did! Ah!!!

HELEN
You okay?!

MADISON
Somebody owes me a new pair of nylons!!!

SCENE FOUR

BLACKIE
Well, this is it.

MADISON
Yeah, this looks like where they’d discover the bodies on Dateline.

HELEN
You’ve got, um, an awful lot of machine guns.

BLACKIE
And rifles. We run outta room in the garage so we been storin’ the goods in here.

MADISON
Well, it helps to cover up the brown paint someone smeared all over the wall.

BLACKIE
Oh, that ain’t brown paint, Babe, that’s dried blood.

HELEN
Blood?!

MADISON
It’s a bold choice to decorate with bodily fluids.

BLACKIE
So, hey, while the boys are unloadin’ the truck, how’s about you two dolls goin’ into the kitchen and cookin’ up some grub, huh?

MADISON
Cooking? I just drove a truck for six hours. You sayin’ I have to bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan?

BLACKIE
Petey tells me you cook hotcakes just like his mother used to make.

MADISON
Burnt on the outside, raw on the inside?

BLACKIE
You’ll find all the stuff you need in the kitchen. A’course, ain’t much room to move ’round. I got a couple of them Navy wireless sets in there.

HELEN
Wireless sets? In the kitchen?

BLACKIE
Like I said, ran outta room in the garage.

MADISON
I’m not much of a cook. I’m better at… other things.

BLACKIE
Yeah? Like what?

MADISON
You know…

HELEN
Madison! You don’t want to go through with that!

MADISON
Better than cooking. C’mon, you big hairy ape. How ’bout instead of me cookin’, we play bedtime for Bonzo?

BLACKIE
What?

MADISON
Beatin’ cheeks with Cheeta?

BLACKIE
How’s that?

MADISON
Sodomy for Caesar?

BLACKIE
Huh?

MADISON
I’m gonna Jane your Goodall.

BLACKIE
Just… make them hotcakes.

MADISON
I’m glad he left. I was running outta chimpanzee references.

HELEN
Come on in the kitchen with me, Madison, and you can avoid the zoo altogether.

MADISON
Can you cook?

HELEN
Better. I was a WAC in the war.

MADISON
A “WAC”? Is that what they call lesbians in the 40s?

HELEN
No! Don’t you know what a “WAC” is?

MADISON
If it’s not a euphemism, then no.

HELEN
Women’s Army Corp.

MADISON
Still sounds like a euphemism.

HELEN
Here, help me unwind the wire of this wireless set.

MADISON
If there’s a wire, why is it called “wireless”?

HELEN
Come on, help me. If I work fast, I can get it connected and we can send out a message for help.

MADISON
A WAC lumberjack. You’re gonna make some wife very happy.

HELEN
You just keep an eye on the door and keep your fingers crossed.

MADISON
Is there anything I can do to help? Preferably with minimal effort?

HELEN
Can you make hotcakes?

MADISON
I burn cold cereal.

HELEN
It might be the only thing that buys us time.

MADISON
I’ll try. There’s no pancake mix.

HELEN
There’s a bag of flour right there.

MADISON
You mean I gotta make pancakes from scratch?!

HELEN
Unless you can fix a wireless radio?

MADISON
I’m so not mechanically inclined, that I throw away lamps when they need a new light bulb.

HELEN
Then get cooking. I think I got it working.

MADISON
What is that, Morse code? Is this 1949 or 1849?

HELEN
During the war, the only way ships at sea could send messages long distances was using telegraphs.

MADISON
That’s like when I drive through Malibu Canyon and end up between cell towers with no reception. It’s like cavemen times.

BLACKIE
Hey, and how ’bout the grub?

MADISON
Another twenty minutes and I should be able to flip them!

HELEN
You haven’t flipped them yet?

MADISON
Do I tell you how to fix a wireless radio and send Morse code messages?

HELEN
It’s been half an hour. You… might want to flip them.

MADISON
I guess I can see if they’re ready. There. The perfect shade of black.

BLACKIE
Do I smell somethin’ burnin’!?

MADISON
Blackened pancakes are my specialty!

BLACKIE
Well, hurry up, will ya? I’m starved!

MADISON
What is this, IHOP?! How much longer do you need?

HELEN
All I can do on this thing is send. I can’t receive.

BLACKIE
I’m gonna give you just five minutes more, see, just five minutes!

MADISON
They’ll be ready when they’re ready! Well, what does that mean you can’t receive?

HELEN
It means I can send it out into the world, but I have no way of knowing if anyone is listening.

MADISON
That’s what it’s like to make a podcast.

SCENE FIVE

BLACKIE
Oh, hey there, Jake. You and the boys finish unloadin’ the truck yet?

JAKE
Yeah, boss, we– Hey, where’s the skirts?

BLACKIE
In the kitchen. And guess what they’re cookin’?

JAKE
A goose.

BLACKIE
A goose?

JAKE
Your goose. Here, read this.

BLACKIE
Hey, what is this, anyway?

JAKE
A little message I picked up whilst checkin’ one of them wireless receivin’ sets we swiped from the warehouse. It’s sorta inner- restin’.

BLACKIE
Eh, kinda thought things was unkosher. Youz and the boys get the trucks loaded, Jake. We’ll be pullin’ outta here as soon as I take care of some unfinished business.

JAKE
Check, Chief.

BLACKIE
All right, here I come, ladies!

MADISON
Wait! Hang on! We’re comin’ out with the… er… grub. Pancakes cooked to a nice charcoal black. Just like my mother used to make. When it was the cook’s day off and mom wanted to play domestic.

BLACKIE
Well, ya sure put in a gallant effort.

HELEN
Oh, no, Shoylee, you forgot the butter! I’ll go back in the kitchen and get it.

MADISON
Oh, no, Moytle! We didn’t bring anything for Blackie to drink. I’ll go with you.

BLACKIE
No, no, no, no, no. Please, ladies. Sit down, sit down. I don’t like to eat alone.

MADISON
Seriously, these pancakes are gonna be like eating wood chips. You’re gonna want butter and something to drink.

BLACKIE
Sit down.

HELEN
Shoylee, he’s got a gun.

MADISON
Do you have a license for that gun?

HELEN
Pretty sure that doesn’t matter.

BLACKIE
Blackie don’t like little goyles sendin’ messages for help on the wireless.

MADISON
Hey, how ’bout that. Somebody did get your message.

BLACKIE
Sure did. Now, where would you like it, Babe? In the head or the back?

MADISON
Ah. Multiple choice.

BLACKIE
And no wrong answers.

ETHEL
Drop it!

BLACKIE
Who’s gonna make me?

WOMEN
We are!

ETHEL
Now, drop it!

MADISON
It’s like the all girl Avengers.

HELEN
Just some friends of mine. Good to see ya, Ethel.

ETHEL
Lookin’ good, Helen.

BLACKIE
I’ll bust holes in all a’ ya! Boys! Boys get in here!

ETHEL
You talkin’ about those little lap dogs you had guardin’ the garage? Because we took care of ’em.

HELEN
And now I think it’s time to take care of you.

MADISON
This is unexpected. What’s happening?

HELEN
I told you I was a WAC in the War. So were a lot of my girlfriends.

ETHEL
Sure. And some of us decided to stay workin’ in the more traditionally masculine fields.

HELEN
We call ourselves “Tough Bar Butches.”

ETHEL
Affectionately, of course.

MADISON
I feel like I just walked into a Marlon Brando biker movie with an all female cast.

ETHEL
Why don’t you join us at one of our local hangouts?

MADISON
A lesbian biker bar? Yes, please.

HELEN
Don’t you have to get this load of Army surplus to San Francisco?

MADISON
Ah, yeah. I can’t let Charlie down. He’ll lose his job and he’s got that new baby comin’–

HELEN
And you won’t get paid.

MADISON
–And I won’t get paid.

ETHEL
Well, how ’bout lettin’ us tag along? We might know a place or two in ‘Frisco.

MADISON
Just gimme a minute for a quick wardrobe change because screw these freakin’ nylons!

SCENE SIX

MADISON
Well, that was my most recent adventure in job hunting. Helen notified the local police and set them straight — if you’ll pardon the expression — on Blackie and his gang being the ones behind the Acme truck robbery, gettin’ me off the hook. I called Charlie from ‘Frisco and I’m happy to report he’s got a new baby girl who hopefully, with more women like Helen and Ethel, will be able to grow up and be a truck driver some day. After that the Tough Bar Butches and me went for a night on the town and — woo! Too much to go into right now but being in a bar full of uninhibited women in the height of the post-war strict gender roles society was so much fun. Keep livin’ your best life, everybody! Byeeee!

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“The Adventures of Maisie” starred Ann Sothern who first brought the brassy blonde to the big screen in ten films spanning the years 1939- 1947. The comedy radio series, following the always single, always underemployed wanna be singer Maisie Revere, also starring Sothern, running from 1945-1947, in conjunction with the latter years of the films. Maisie’s popular catch phrase of “Likewise, I’m sure” was used throughout the era.