MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SHERLOCK HOLMES: A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JAN 2021

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
“The New Adventures of Sherlock Holmes.” Thank you for being with us, ladies and gentlemen. I know Dr. Watson’s waiting for us, so let’s go in and join him.

MADISON
Yeah?

ANNOUNCER
Uh… Dr. Watson? Your audience is here. May we please come in?

MADISON
Dr. Watson isn’t here. You wanna leave a message?

ANNOUNCER
Um… usually this time every week Dr. Watson tells us a tale of his adventures with Sherlock Holmes.

MADISON
Uh-huh. So… who should I say stopped by?

ANNOUNCER
He’s… really not here?

MADISON
Nope.

ANNOUNCER
He, um, told us last week that tonight’s story centered around the activities of a brilliant and beautiful woman.

MADISON
If that’s your way of asking me to tell you a story, oh, all right. You talked me into it. Come on in.

ANNOUNCER
And you are?

MADISON
Madison Standish. I’ve been watching the Watson’s place while they’re outta town. Here, let me move some of this stuff so you can sit down. Do you know somebody leaves a newspaper every single day on the front step?

ANNOUNCER Um… yes.

MADISON
Between that and the air quality from those smoke stacks, I’m guessing London doesn’t believe in going green.

ANNOUNCER
Are… you alright?

MADISON
I’m talking fast, aren’t I? I realize that. I might’ve had a few espressos.

ANNOUNCER
Maybe you should sit down–

MADISON
Nah, I’m good. Feels good to pace. Pacing helps me think.

ANNOUNCER
So… the story you were going to share with us?

MADISON
Yeah, right, okay. So, there was this woman named Irene Adler. But Sherlock always called her, “The Woman.”

ANNOUNCER
She sounds intriguing.

MADISON
It’s “intriguing” that Sherlock Holmes reduced a woman’s identity to just “the woman?”

ANNOUNCER
Did I say “intriguing?” I meant… um… How did you happen to meet up with her?

MADISON
Okay, funny story, it was just starting to get dark and I was heading back here after having been in this little cafe all day. They had this super retro espresso machine. It was like steam powered and from, I dunno, Italy. I tried to order a Mocha Latte, but I guess 1888 it’s still too early for that, so I just had like, ten double espressos and FYI, espresso in the 1800s is mega strong–

ANNOUNCER
You sure you’re alright?

MADISON
No, it’s cool, I’m good. Hey, do you want some espresso? I could totally go for some espresso.

ANNOUNCER
Um… no, that’s– I’m fine.

MADISON
Okay, so I’m walking home, totally wired, and I end up going past Sherlock Holmes’ place.

ANNOUNCER
You couldn’t resist stopping by Two-Twenty-One B, I’m sure.

MADISON
No, I was lost. I tried to get one of those little British cabs– They’re all horse drawn here. Isn’t that adorbs? But they don’t accept Venmo.

ANNOUNCER
So, you were passing Holmes’ place–

MADISON
Right. I looked up in the window and saw him silhouetted against the blinds. We’re talkin’ pipe, funny hat, the whole cliche.

ANNOUNCER
So you were curious what he was up to, so you knocked upon his door!

MADISON
No. I figured if anyone could give me cab fare, it was him.

ANNOUNCER
Oh.

MADISON
So, next thing I know, I’m in his living room.

SCENE TWO

HOLMES
No, I don’t have “Venmo.” Just pay me when you can.

MADISON
Thanks, Sherlock, you are doin’ me a solid.

HOLMES
At any rate, I don’t believe you intend to repay your debt to me.

MADISON
What? No! I totes’ll pay you back. Why would you even say that?

HOLMES
Elementary, my dear, Madison. A woman who announces she’s staying in Dr. Watson’s flat while he’s away firstly, needs the income from the caretaker position, and secondly, has no permanent residence of her own so that she is unencumbered when requested to perform that service.

MADISON
Well–

HOLMES
Thirdly, she finds her purse so light of coin that she must beg for money from someone she just met–

MADISON
Yeah, but–

HOLMES
Fourthly, add her cheaply constructed wardrobe, obvious costume jewelry, and harlot painted face–

MADISON
Hey!

HOLMES
I should be dull, indeed, if I didn’t pronounce her in dire need of funds.

MADISON
I guess I’ll leave ya, then. I didn’t mean to bother you.

HOLMES
Yes, by all accounts you did intend to “bother” me. But it’s a most welcome interruption.

MADISON
It is?

HOLMES
I have just begun working on a new case. This letter arrived by the last post today. It’s undated, and has neither signature nor address.

MADISON
What, you think it’s spam or something?

HOLMES
On such occasions as these, Dr. Watson would aid my investigation. Why don’t you have a look?

MADISON
Um… okay. “There will call upon you tonight, at a quarter to eight o’clock, a gentleman who desires to consult you upon a matter of the very deepest moment.” Uck. This reads like Dickens. Did this guy get paid by the word?

HOLMES
Continue.

MADISON
“Your recent services to one of the royal houses of Europe have shown that you are one who may safely be trusted.” Ooo! Royalty? Tell me it’s Prince Harry and Meghan.

HOLMES
Be it at all possible for you to read something without taking pause for your own annotation?

MADISON
I can’t understand you. British English and American English must be way different.

HOLMES
Finish the letter.

MADISON
“Be in your chamber, then, at that hour, and do not take it amiss if your visitor wears a mask.” Mask? O.M.G., do you guys have COVID here, too? Should we be six foot distancing?

HOLMES
By your reaction to the word “mask” I can only deduce that you have no idea the definition of the word “mask”.

MADISON
Is there a deadly virus or not?

HOLMES
There are always viruses and some will, most certainly, result in death.

MADISON
Is there a plague? I’m asking if — right here, right now — there is a plague.

HOLMES
Not in London since cholera invaded the East End.

MADISON
Is that a “yes” or a “no”?

HOLMES
At the current moment in time, it is a “no.”

MADISON
The convoluted way you talk makes me want to punch Sir Arthur Conan Doyle right in the neck.

HOLMES
If we may turn our attention back to the note in questio: The paper used for this letter is strong and stiff. What does that tell you?

MADISON
Uh… The guy who wrote it ripped off the good stuff from the copy room at work?

HOLMES
You are certainly on to something.

MADISON
Seriously?

HOLMES
Hold it up to the light. Do you see the lettering?

MADISON
Oh, yeah! There’s a large “E” with a small “G.” Ooo! And a large “G” with a small “T.” How’d they do that? Is that a watermark? That is so cool.

HOLMES
What does that suggest to you?

MADISON
The guy used some sort of laser printer?

HOLMES
The “G” with the small “T” stands for “Gesellschaft,” which is the German word for “company.” See? You were correct when you said this paper came from a place of business.

MADISON
Okay…

HOLMES
And the “E” and the “G” stands for Egria, a German-speaking country in Bohemia, not far from Carlsbad. Thereby deducing…

MADISON Deducing…?

HOLMES
That the paper was made in Bohemia and the man who wrote the note is a German.

MADISON
Let’s admit it right now, I’m gonna be dead weight on this case.

HOLMES
That must be my mystery client.

MADISON
I should go.

HOLMES
My dear lady, by all means, stay. This promises to be interesting. Come in. Good evening, sir.

MADISON
Oh!!! A masquerade party mask. This British English really creates a language barrier.

KING
You, uh– You received my note?

HOLMES
Yes, indeed. Come in, won’t you, and sit down? This is my friend and colleague, Madison Standish.

MADISON
‘Sup.

HOLMES
You may say anything before her that you can say to me. Whom have I the honor to address?

KING
You may address me as, er, Count Von Kramm.

MADISON
Oh no! The door von krammed and now we’re von trapped! Oh, oh, sorry! The “Sound of Music” hasn’t come out yet. Trust me, when it does, that joke will kill.

KING
You must excuse this mask that I wear. The person who employs me wishes his agent to be unknown to you. The matter I am about to discuss implicates the great House of Ormstein, hereditary kings of Bohemia.

HOLMES
I was well aware of that, sir. In fact, if you will state your case, I shall be better able to advise you — your Majesty.

KING
How–? How did you–?

MADISON
Wait. This dude’s royalty?

KING
Yes, I am the King. I shall remove the mask. There.

MADISON
Nice job, Sherlock. You’d be a kick-ass judge on the Masked Singer.

KING
Mr. Holmes, I have traveled incognito from Prague for the express purpose of consulting you. Briefly, the facts are these. Some five years ago, during a visit to Warsaw, I made the acquaintance of the well-known adventuress, Irene Adler.

HOLMES
Irene Adler? Look her up for me, will you, Madison?

MADISON
Sure. I can look her up on Wiki. What’s your WiFi password?

HOLMES
Perhaps try the index. It’s right beside my desk.

MADISON
Where? I don’t see anything.

HOLMES
It’s the large book that says “index” on it.

MADISON
You didn’t tell me I was looking for a book. Jeez.

HOLMES
Just hand it to me, will you? Thank you. Ah, here we are. “Irene Adler. Born in New Jersey in the United States of America in Eighteen Fifty-Eight. Contralto. Prima donna.”

MADISON
They actually call her a “prima donna” in there? Who put out that book, TMZ?

HOLMES
She was the Prima donna of the Imperial Opera of Warsaw.

MADISON
What’s the T? Did she pull a Paltrow?

HOLMES
She was the leading female opera singer there. “Now retired from operatic stage and living in London.”

KING
Yes, that is the woman of which I refer.

HOLMES
Your Majesty, as I understand, became entangled with this young person and wrote her some compromising letters and is now desirous of getting those letters back?

KING
Precisely so.

MADISON
Ooo. Sex scandal. Now we’re talkin’!

HOLMES
Was there a secret marriage?

KING
None.

HOLMES
No legal papers or certificates?

KING
No.

HOLMES
Then I fail to follow, your Majesty. If this young lady should produce her letters for blackmailing purposes, how is she to prove their authenticity?

KING
There is the handwriting.

HOLMES
Forgery.

KING
It was on my private note-paper.

HOLMES
Stolen.

KING
There was a photograph–

MADISON
Photoshopped! What, am I not allowed to play, too?

KING
We were both in the photograph.

MADISON
That is so easy to do. I have a collection of me on the red carpet with celebrities like Zac Effron and Chris Hemsworth. Of course, Chris is in his Thor costume because… yum!

KING
Mr. Holmes, the photograph must be recovered.

MADISON
Maybe if you, oh, I don’t know, hadn’t cheated on your wife, you wouldn’t have to try to cover it up!

HOLMES
He’s unmarried.

MADISON
Fiancée?

HOLMES
No.

KING
Yes.

HOLMES
Yes?

MADISON
No!

KING
Yes. I am about to be married to the second daughter of the King of Scandinavia.

MADISON
Douche nozzle.

KING
I… met Miss Adler before I was betrothed. But my fiancée, she is the very soul of delicacy. A shadow of a doubt as to my conduct would bring the matter to an end.

HOLMES
Perhaps if you were to pay enough, the photo might be bought.

KING
She refuses to sell.

MADISON
What’s the point of buying it? If she saved it to the cloud, it’ll be there forever.

KING
And five unsuccessful attempts have been made to steal it. None of my men were even able to find it.

MADISON
Okay, “The Cloud” isn’t a place. Dude, you guys are old.

HOLMES
And the woman threatens to send the photograph to your fiancée, I suppose?

KING
Yes, and she will do it. Rather than let me marry another woman, there are no lengths to which she would not go. None!

MADISON
The only reason “Fatal Attraction” ever happens is because you guys can’t keep it in your pants.

KING
She said she would send it on the day my betrothal is publicly announced. That day will be next Monday.

HOLMES
Splendid! Then we still have three days. Your Majesty will, of course, stay in London for the present?

KING
Yes, certainly. You will find me at the Langham Hotel, registered as Count Von Kramm.

MADISON
There are so many jokes there. It’s just picking the right one.

HOLMES
Thank you, your Majesty. Good night, and I trust that we shall soon have some good news for you.

KING
I am placing all my hopes in you, Mr. Holmes. Good night.

MADISON
Welp, have fun with that.

HOLMES
Do you not care to assist me with this case, Madison?

MADISON
Yeah, lemme help you cover up for a womanizing monarch so some poor princess can get suckered into marrying him. Thanks, no thanks.

HOLMES
Perhaps you should look more closely at what you just said.

MADISON
I’m about to have a major caffeine crash. No puzzles. Just tell me.

HOLMES
Monarch? Princess? You know, it has been my experience that when we favorably serve royalty, we are handsomely rewarded.

MADISON
You think I’m going to put money above my morals?

HOLMES
How much is Dr. Watson paying you to care for his flat?

MADISON
Two farthing.

HOLMES
Are you familiar with British currency?

MADISON
Why? How much is that? I thought it was like, twenty bucks.

HOLMES
Try, one halfpenny.

MADISON
He’s paying me half a penny?!

HOLMES
Shall I see you here at eight o’clock tomorrow morning?

MADISON
Yes! But you’re definitely not getting your cab fare back.

SCENE THREE

MADISON
Morning, Sherlock.

HOLMES
Can I deduce you failed to wind your watch before retiring last evening?

MADISON
Wind? It’s an Apple Watch.

HOLMES
Perhaps you have yet to glance at the hour? It is far from “morning.”

MADISON
Sorry, but I think jumpin’ between all these old timey radio shows has given me jet lag.

HOLMES
At any rate, this morning I was able to examine Briony Lodge where the woman resides, but, unfortunately, my investigation did not prove illuminating.

MADISON
Okay. So what do we do now?

HOLMES
I think a visit to the local public house might prove more instructive.

MADISON
“Public House?” A pub?! And I thought you were gonna be all stuffy and British! Let’s hit it, Sherlie!

HOLMES
Firstly, we should don disguises so as to not cause any suspicion. Secondly, “don’t call me Sherlie.”

MADISON
Disguises? Ooo… this is really some old school detective stuff. Okay, what are we gonna disguise ourselves as?

HOLMES
The pub I have in mind is located in a horsy neighborhood–

MADISON
“Horsy?” Di-did you just say “horsy?”

HOLMES
Indeed. “Horsy.”

MADISON
Not “equestrian” but “horsy.”

HOLMES
I fail to comprehend where your confusion lies.

MADISON
I’m confused why the world’s most brilliant detective sounds like a five year old seeing his first merry-go-round.

HOLMES
In answer to your original question, we will be disguising ourselves as a couple of stable hands. There’s a wonderful sympathy and freemasonry among their fraternity.

MADISON
Freemasons?! Wait. Time out. Weren’t they the bad guys in the Robert Downey Jr. Sherlock Holmes? They sacrifice virgins! I can’t go in there! Well… for other reasons.

HOLMES
I merely refer to these hard working men as laborers of their craft.

MADISON
Yeah! Witchcraft!

HOLMES
Perhaps I shall do all of the talking.

SCENE FOUR

BARTENDER
Well, what’ll it be, mateys?

HOLMES
‘Alf a bowl of malt, please. ‘Ow ’bout you, Charley?

MADISON
I’ll take me a spot of that, governor! Pretty good, right? I was in the ensemble of my high school production of “Oliver.”

BARTENDER
‘ere we are, mates. That’ll be a tenner.

HOLMES
‘ave a drink wiv us, governor?

BARTENDER
Don’t mind if I do. I’ll ‘ave a Guinness–

MADISON
Ooo! Can I change my order? I’d rather have a Guinness. Eh… governor.

BARTENDER
You blokes new ’round ‘ere?

HOLMES
Yeah, that’s right. We was told that Miss Adler across at Briony Lodge needed a coachman and groom. We thought we’d find out somethin’ about the old girl first.

BARTENDER
She ain’t no old girl, matey. She’s the prettiest young thing you ever saw under a bonnet, and that’s a fact.

MADISON
Word is, she’s a bit of a slut.

BARTENDER
Who be spreadin’ lies like that? I used to drive ‘er carriage–

MADISON
I bet you did.

BARTENDER
She be as nice a little lady as you’ll ever find, chum.

HOLMES
No disrespect, matey. But, it be true enough, she ain’t married, then, eh?

BARTENDER
No, no. But she’s got a bloke what comes to see ‘er all the time. ‘e’s a barrister. Nice gentleman. Mr. Geoffrey Norton is ‘is name. Good lookin’ fella. Wouldn’t be surprised to see ’em get spliced.

HOLMES
Come on, Charley, let’s get over to the ‘ouse and see what’s what.

MADISON
But I’m not done with my Guinness!

HOLMES
No time, mate. Unless you can down it lickety-split.

MADISON
Challenge accepted.

BARTENDER
‘e sure knows ‘is way ’round a Guinness!

MADISON
College ain’t only ’bout book learnin’ am I right? Ooo! Excuse me!

HOLMES
Come on then. Times a wastin’. Much obliged to you, chum.

BARTENDER
Good luck, mateys!

MADISON
And good luck tah you, too, governor! Dude, that bartender was super helpful, wasn’t he? Like, lucky we ran into him, right?

HOLMES
Indeed, Madison. Now, let’s stroll back to Briony Lodge, shall we? I’m undecided whether to continue my investigations there or to try and find out something about Mr. Geoffrey Norton, the barrister.

MADISON
Ya know, cobblestone streets are all super cute until you have to walk on them in heels.

HOLMES
Why-ever are you wearing high heeled shoes? You’re dressed as a stable boy!

MADISON
You told me “cockney” so I’m givin’ you Eddie Izzard realness.

HOLMES
If Norton is just her lawyer and nothing else, it’s more than likely that she’s entrusted the photograph to his safekeeping.

MADISON
Whoops! Ha! Almost fell down there. No worries, I’ve got years of training being drunk in high heels.

HOLMES
Hel-lo, there’s a cab waiting outside Miss Adler’s house.

MADISON
Oh, thank god. I really didn’t wanna have to walk much farther.

HOLMES
Quickly, Madison. It may be Mr. Norton’s!

MADISON
Slow down! These are Jimmy Choos!

HOLMES
Here comes a man hurrying down the pathway. Quick! Behind this post!

MADISON
You don’t need to push!

HOLMES
Quiet!

CABBIE
Where to now, Mr. Norton?

NORTON
Drive like the devil! To the Church of St. Monica. Half a sovereign if you do it in twenty minutes!

MADISON
Is half a sovereign good?

HOLMES
It’s half a pound.

CABBIE
Right you are, Mr. Norton! ‘op in!

MADISON
A pound is basically a dollar, right?

HOLMES
Eh… More or less.

MADISON
So fifty cents is a good tip?

HOLMES
Yes, Madison, it is. Consider the fact that it will take you a full week working for Dr. Watson to earn half a penny.

MADISON
He really is gyping me, isn’t he?

HOLMES
Quickly, Madison, try and signal a cab! We must follow Norton!

MADISON
Ooo! Really? “Follow that cab?”

HOLMES
Here comes one! No, wait. It’s a private carriage. Miss Adler’s, no doubt!

MADISON
Is that her comin’ outta the front door?

HOLMES
Back again behind the post, Madison!

MADISON
Ow! Cut that out!

HOLMES
Quiet!

MADISON
You be quiet!

COACHMAN
Where to, Miss Adler?

IRENE
The Church of St. Monica, and there’s half a sovereign if you can reach it in twenty minutes.

MADISON
No wonder there’s so much pollution. They’re going to the same place. Haven’t you people ever heard of ride-share?

HOLMES
The game’s afoot! Quick, we must get a cab and follow them! Here comes a hansom!

MADISON
Ooo! A handsome what? Dude, that’s a horse. Ohhh… “horsy.” Mmm… Sherlock, here’s, got himself a little fetish…

HOLMES
Cabby! Hey, hey! Cabby!

ARTIE
‘ave you blokes got enough money to take a cab?

MADISON
The Church of St. Monica! There’s half a sovereign if you reach it in twenty minutes!

ARTIE
Right you are!

HOLMES
Are you presuming I have half a sovereign?

MADISON
Are you presuming it will be my problem if you don’t?

SCENE FIVE

ANNOUNCER
Well, Madison, this is an exciting story!

MADISON
I know, right? Do you want some espresso? I can get you some espresso–

ANNOUNCER
No, as I said before, I’m fine.

MADISON
This stuff is so addictive. In the 1880s, did you guys put cocaine in espresso like you did in Coca Cola?

ANNOUNCER
Not to my knowledge–

MADISON
Ya know what? I don’t even care. This stuff is bomb.

ANNOUNCER
Eh… you were telling us about following Miss Adler to the church? Did you and Sherlock Holmes reach that church inside the twenty minutes?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, totes got there in like, fifteen. But those other guys had gotten there before us. I mean, they’d left before us, so natch they get there before us. Dude, is your heart beating super fast? Mine is beating super fast.

ANNOUNCER
Perhaps you need a break?

MADISON
Nah, nah, I’m good. So then Sherlock went into the church and told me to guard the outside. Guard? Like, what? I have a gun and can be all “Hark, who goes there?” I mean, seriously, right?

ANNOUNCER
What happened then? Did you see Mr. Norton or Miss Adler?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, they came out about ten minutes after that, spoke a few words to each other — I couldn’t hear what — and then took off separately. That’s when Sherlock came out.

SCENE SIX

HOLMES
Madison! Madison, have they left?

MADISON
Yeah, and they took separate cabs again. So I assume they’re going to the same place.

HOLMES
Splendid. Then come on. We can return to Baker Street.

MADISON
Dude! What about a cab? Can’t we get a cab?

HOLMES
Of course we shall. Do you see a hansom?

MADISON
I’m not sure. I really don’t know your type.

HOLMES
There’s one.

MADISON
Oh, okay, so you like ’em… what? Grey and speckled?

PATRICK
Where to, governor?

HOLMES
Two Twenty-One B, Baker Street.

MADISON
So what happened in the church?

HOLMES
They were married.

MADISON
Seriously?!

HOLMES
Of course I’m serious. Why would I not be serious?

MADISON
I… have no response to that.

HOLMES
The marriage accounts for their wild dash to the church. The ceremony would have been illegal if performed after noon.

MADISON
Illegal? Why?

HOLMES
It’s the law.

MADISON
That’s stupid. It makes no sense.

HOLMES
Indeed. It’s the law.

MADISON
Okay, so I’m totes mixed up on this whole thing. I thought Irene was blackmailing the king guy over the photo because she was mad he dumped her and didn’t want any other woman to have him. But now she’s run off and gotten married to some other dude? What’s up with that?

HOLMES
In this case, the woman’s modus operandi is not transparent. But our task at hand is simple and unrelated. We must acquire the photograph. Come along, Madison. I think the time is ripe for us to come to closer grips with the lady!

MADISON
Can we get something to eat first? I think I’m feeling a little buzzed from that Guinness.

SCENE SEVEN

MADISON
Dude. Mrs. Hudson makes a mean minced pie. I’m deadly serious.

HOLMES
While you finish up, I shall proceed with applying the makeup for my new disguise.

MADISON
Makeup?! Dude! I have a makeup blog. I was also supposed to have a makeup podcast but — well, here we are. — C’mon! You gotta let me help you!

HOLMES
I suppose you may. I– I was planning on donning the appearance of an amiable, simple-minded Nonconformist clergyman.

MADISON
Uh… huh. I’m thinking softening the sharp cheekbones and maybe going with a rose based foundation.

HOLMES
I must look welcoming so that I may be granted admittance by the woman into her home.

MADISON
Not a problem. Now, what am I going as?

HOLMES
Madison, you will remain out front.

MADISON
Is that all Dr. Watson does is stand around outside while you go inside and do stuff? Like a dog tied to a bike rack while its owner goes in the grocery store?

HOLMES
You have a vital role to play outside the premises.

MADISON
Yeah? How vital?

HOLMES
My entire plan hinges upon it.

MADISON
Okay… so what am I supposed to do?

HOLMES
As soon as I am able to, I shall open one of the windows. You will be watching from outside. When I raise my hand, you will throw an object — that I shall give you — through the window and, at the same time, cry “Fire!” You follow me?

MADISON
What am I gonna throw? A molotov cocktail? Are we burning her house down?

HOLMES
Certainly not. Our intention is to create the illusion her home is ablaze. You will throw an ordinary plumber’s smoke-rocket.

MADISON
Okay, I don’t know what that is, but it sounds dirty.

HOLMES
Plumbers use it to test their pipes.

MADISON
Still sounds dirty.

HOLMES
That notwithstanding, as soon as I’ve donned my clerical attire, let us be on our way. There’s no time to be lost.

MADISON
I still need a disguise!

HOLMES
Why don’t you attempt to disguise yourself as someone who is helpful?

MADISON
Ooo… Scorch. Burn on Madison.

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
You sure she’s supposed to be home by six-thirty?

HOLMES
That’s what she indicated at the church.

MADISON
How are you going to find the photo in her house, anyway? It could literally be anywhere in there.

HOLMES
During the time I was waiting for you to finally arrive this morning–

MADISON
Thank you for not dwelling on that.

HOLMES
Mm-hmm — I’d gotten word from the King that he’d forgotten to mention that the photo was actually quite large and framed.

MADISON
She framed the blackmail photo?

HOLMES
Precisely.

MADISON
Okay… But didn’t the King’s guys already try to steal it but like, they couldn’t find it?

HOLMES
They didn’t know how to look. Here comes the carriage now. Madison, get yourself out of sight.

MADISON
Wait– There’s a couple of nasty lookin’ dudes walkin’ up to her carriage.

HOLMES
Conceal yourself! Post haste!

ALFIE
Blimey, Patrick! ‘Ere comes the Duchess of Tiddlywinks!

PATRICK
Yeah, Artie, let’s put out a carpet! She might get her tootsies wet!

IRENE
Please, please — let me through! I live here!

ALFIE
Well, ain’t that nice! We’ll all come in and have a cup of cocoa!

MADISON
Those guys are harassing her! We gotta do something!

HOLMES
Madison, wait–

MADISON
No! Screw you, Sherlock. Too many people stand by and watch when a woman is being threatened or attacked. Geez! What kind of detective are you?!

HOLMES
Come back!

MADISON
Get outta the way! Let her through!

PATRICK
Mind yer own business!

ALFIE
Yeah, keep your nose out of it!

MADISON Make me!

IRENE
Please, don’t fight about it!

MADISON
Don’t worry girl, I got your back.

HOLMES
Stop molesting the lady!

MADISON
Oh, now he shows up.

ALFIE
‘ow would you like a biff on the nose, Mr. Clergyman?

PATRICK
Just ’cause your collar’s turned the wrong way ’round, you can’t spoil our fun!

MADISON
Of course he can spoil your fun. He’s from the church! That’s what they do!

HOLMES
Madison, please, this is getting dangerous–

MADISON
No shit, Sherlock!

ALFIE
You asked for it, parson!

MADISON
You almost hit him, you douche-nozzle!

PATRICK
What? Stop that, Alfie! You’re ‘ittin’ a woman!

ALFIE
No, I’m not! She’s ‘ittin’ me!

HOLMES
Madison! Restrain yourself!

MADISON
It is not okay to treat women like objects!!!

HOLMES
Madison! Ah!!

PATRICK
She hit the clergyman!

ALFIE
Let’s get outta here!

IRENE
You elbowed him in the nose! Clergyman? Are you badly hurt?

MADISON
Oh, crap. He’s bleeding all over!

IRENE
I’ll have my manservant bring him inside. Robert! Come out here, quickly!

MADISON
Dude! Sherlock! I am so sorry!

HOLMES
Just get to the window and wait for my signal.

MADISON
O.M.G.! This reminds me of the time when I was–

HOLMES
No time for one of your anecdotal retellings of your past escapades. Just, go!

MADISON
Again– so sorry!

IRENE
Here, Robert, bring him inside at once!

SCENE NINE

ANNOUNCER
You actually hit Sherlock Holmes and left him bleeding in the street?

MADISON
Hey, I felt bad about it. And looking back, he shouldn’t have gotten into the middle of that fight. It really was his own fault.

ANNOUNCER
What happened to Holmes’ plan? The window and the smoke-rocket?

MADISON
Yeah, yeah… I’m gettin’ to that. C’mon, Sherlock, gimme the signal. Oh, geez. What if he has a concussion or something?
What if he’s laying in there unconscious? What if I killed freakin’ Sherlock Holmes?! There he is! There’s the signal! Huh, that’s kinda far for me to throw. I shoulda warmed up first. I don’t know what this is gonna do to my rotator cuff. Well, now he’s waving like deranged paparazzi trying to get JLo’s attention.
Yeah! Yeah! I see you! Alright, here goes nothin’ FIRE! Fire!

CROWD
FIRE!!! FIRE!!!

HOLMES
Madison!

MADISON
Ah! Where the hell did you just come from?

HOLMES
The rouse worked. She showed me the photograph!

MADISON
Wait a minute, your nose. You’re not bleeding.

HOLMES
There’s no mystery, my dear. Although you nearly foiled my plan before it began.

MADISON
What?

HOLMES
It were my accomplices who started the row in the street. You might’ve recognized Artie and Patrick as the cabbies we hired earlier this afternoon.

MADISON
That was all part of your plan?

HOLMES
Indeed. I had a little moist red paint in my hand. Alfie was to pretend to strike me and then I would clap my hand to my head and fall down. It’s an old trick. But then you actually struck me — albeit, merely a graze — and I simply played up the theatrics of the moment to keep my plan on track.

MADISON
Why the hell didn’t you tell me that was part of the plan?!

HOLMES
As you may recall, I’d asked you multiple times to conceal yourself from the activity.

MADISON
Still–

HOLMES
And I certainly wasn’t expecting you to participate in the brawl yourself.

MADISON
Yeah, well you clearly don’t know me.

HOLMES
At any rate, your genuine reaction to the fight helped to convince the woman of my injury.

MADISON
You’re welcome.

HOLMES
Come with me, Madison, we must see the King at once.

MADISON
But you didn’t get the picture!

HOLMES
That’s why I had you throw the smoke-rocket and shout “fire.” When a woman thinks her house is on fire, her instinct is to rush for the one thing that she values most. In this case, of course, it was the photograph.

MADISON
So why didn’t you just grab it?

HOLMES
It would’ve been far too suspicious after the row. Come with me, I’ve instructed Artie to wait with his cab around the corner for us. And I do believe you owe him an apology.

MADISON
I did kinda mess him up, didn’t I? But I think you owe him an apology, too, for not letting me in on this whole plan.

HOLMES
He certainly deserves more than the half sovereign I promised him.

MADISON
Yeah, at least give him a whole dollar.

SCENE TEN

KING
I am all impatience. You are certain the photograph will still be there, Mr. Holmes?

HOLMES
I have every reason to believe so, your Majesty.

MADISON
I still think he should just come clean to the princess. Never a good idea to start a marriage off on a bed of lies.

HOLMES
You would have your future husband openly tell you about all of his bachelor escapades?

MADISON
I won’t have to. That’s what social media is for.

KING
I must confess, this is going to be something of an ordeal.

HOLMES
Then I suggest that you let me do the talking, your Majesty. I think I know how to handle the lady.

MADISON
“Handle the la–” The last guy who said he could “handle” me ended up in a ball on the floor of the walk-in freezer with a bag of frozen onion rings on his crotch.

MAID
Mr. Sherlock ‘olmes, I believe?

HOLMES
Yes. I am Mr. Holmes. But — how did you know?

MAID
Me mistress told me you would be likely to call. She’s left for the Continent with ‘er ‘usband.

MADISON
Which continent?

HOLMES
She means she’s left England.

MAID
Never to return.

KING
Then the photograph?

MAID
Do come in. She said you’d be lookin’ for somethin’. I ‘ope you find it!

HOLMES
I do know where to find it. Come with me. This was the bell-rope. Sliding panel behind it. Ah! Here it is.

MADISON
That is so cool. Way better place to hide your stash than in the toilet tank.

KING
Is the photograph there, Mr. Holmes?

HOLMES
There is a photograph, your Majesty. But it’s, um, a photograph
of the lady alone. Here’s a letter — and it’s addressed to me. “My dear Mr. Sherlock Holmes. You really did it very well. Until after the fire alarm, I had no suspicion. But then, when I realized how I had betrayed myself, I began to think. I had been warned that if the King employed an agent he would certainly employ you. May I congratulate you on your disguise as a dear, old clergyman.”

MADISON
Oh! Snap! She totes figured you out! Tell me again, Sherlock, how good you are at “handling women.”

KING
Ja, ja, go on. What else does it say?

HOLMES
“As to the photograph of the King and myself, his Majesty may be rest assured that I will take no further action. I love and am loved by a better man than he. I leave another photograph, however, that he might care to possess. Very truly yours, Irene Norton,
née Adler.”

MADISON
Fierce! Definitely top ranking breakup letter of all time.

HOLMES
What a woman, Madison! What a magnificent woman! She fooled me completely!

MADISON
Too bad she’s already married.

HOLMES
But– I, uh– I’m sorry, your Majesty, I– I’ve been unable to bring your business to a more successful conclusion.

KING
On the contrary, my dear sir. Nothing could be more successful. I know that Irene’s word is inviolate. I am immensely indebted to you. Pray tell me in what way I can reward you.

MADISON
Money. Lot’s of money.

KING
Uh, this — this beryl ring that I wear. I should be proud to–

MADISON
Let me see that. That a real emerald? It’s ginormous!

HOLMES
Your Majesty has something that I should value even more highly.

MADISON
Right. Yeah. Why stop at one lousy ring?

KING
You have but to name it.

HOLMES
This photograph.

MADISON
Okay, sure, let him throw the photograph in, too.

HOLMES
That is all I desire.

MADISON
Really? Great. Um… I’ll take the ring and… how much cash ya got on ya?

HOLMES
Give him back the ring, Madison.

MADISON
What?! You said we’d be “handsomely rewarded.”

HOLMES
This photo is something I shall treasure all my life. It will remind me that I was once tricked by a woman!

MADISON
Fabulous. What do you want to keep from me to remind you that you were once punched in the nose by a woman?

SCENE ELEVEN

ANNOUNCER
Well, Madison, what a woman, that Miss Adler was. That’s the kind of woman I could really go for. She was intelligent, rich and beautiful.

MADISON
That’s really your take away from this whole story?

ANNOUNCER
The kind of woman you want sitting next to you in front of a cozy fire on a nippy fall night.

MADISON
She was blackmailing the king, remember? Nearly broke up his marriage to the princess?

ANNOUNCER
What a woman!

MADISON
Okay, time for you to go.

ANNOUNCER
Uh, wait a moment! Before we go, Dr. Watson usually gives us a hint about next week’s story!

MADISON
Here’s a hint. The story is about a bunch of men who think they’re brilliant and are absolutely shocked to learn women have brains in their heads. I call it, “Sherlock Holmes and The Mystery of the Male Ego.”

EPILOGUE

MADISON
This Sherlock Holmes adventure was adapted from the original radio show which was adapted from the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle story, “A Scandal in Bohemia.” A little glimpse into women’s rights of the era, the series began in 1939 written exclusively by Edith Meiser who left the show in 1943 due to disagreements with the sponsor over the amount of violence in the series. Consequently, this episode was written by the male writing team who took over for her.