MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE ADVENTURES OF SAM SPADE: THE DEAD DUCK CAPER”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JAN 2021
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The Adventures of Sam Spade, Detective!
SPADE
Madison?! Madison?! MADISON!!!
MADISON
Yes?
SPADE
There you are.
MADISON
I waited for you, Sam. Go ahead. Say it.
SPADE
You’ve been through a tough time, sweetheart.
MADISON
Yeah, well, you didn’t make it much easier, did you?
SPADE
Do you think it was a cakewalk for me?!
MADISON
What the hell is a cakewalk?!
SPADE
You’re gonna listen to me. You’re gonna sit still, not talk, and listen.
MADISON
Don’t you dare talk to me like–
SPADE
Ah-ah-ah! When I’m finished, you can say good night or goodbye! But first you’re gonna listen to me.
MADISON
Fine!
SPADE
You remember how it started yesterday evening, when you told me it was your grandmother’s birthday. You were giving a party, you said, and you wanted me come. I tried to beg off, being no social butterfly, but Grandma would be hurt, you said, so the next thing I knew, there I was at her house surrounded by two dozen strangers, ten gallons of lemonade, and your grandmother.
SCENE TWO
GRANDMA STANDISH
So how is it working with my little granddaughter, Mr. Spade?
SPADE
Well, she’s only just started temping with me, Mrs. Standish–
GRANDMA STANDISH
“Grandma” Standish.
SPADE
Uh… “Grandma” Standish. You know, as soon as my regular secretary, Effie, gets back from her two week vacation–
GRANDMA STANDISH
Madison is such a bright girl.
SPADE
Yeah. Yeah. Definitely from the uh… little I’ve seen of her.
MADISON
There you are, Grandma!
SPADE
Hey, uh, I think I’ll take this opportunity to get myself something to drink.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Oh, that’s just fine! There’s some lemonade over on the refreshments table.
SPADE
Nothing a bit… stronger?
GRANDMA STANDISH
Ginger Ale?
SPADE
Guess my flask will have to do.
MADISON
Grandma, I’m so happy to see somebody here from my real life. I mean, I’m having fun in these old timey radio shows, but sometimes I just want to be around people who don’t constantly look at me like I’ve made a nip-slip.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Well, it’s good to see you, too, pumpkin.
MADISON
How did you get here, anyway?
GRANDMA STANDISH
I have no idea. How did you get here?
MADISON
Fuzzy on the deets. You don’t think we’re… dead… do you?
GRANDMA STANDISH
I sure hope not. I’m having new furniture delivered next week. Oh! Looks like Miss Brent is leaving. Miss Brent! She’s such a darling young lady. Rents my spare bedroom. She reminds me of you, just without the strapless blouses that show off your… You know.
MADISON
Jeez, Grandma! You make me sound like a skank!
LOLA
I’m sorry, Grandma Standish–
MADISON
She calls you “grandma?”
GRANDMA STANDISH
Oh, pumpkin, everyone calls me “grandma.”
MADISON
Well, then, I’ll just have everybody call me “pumpkin.”
GRANDMA STANDISH
I named you that because you were such a fat baby–
MADISON
So, how long are you here for, Grandma?
LOLA
I am sorry, but I have to leave. I have an appointment.
MADISON
Oh, what a shame. Buh-bye.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Just when we were going to start playing some games.
SPADE
Did I hear “games?” I think I have an appointment, too.
MADISON
Take another swig from your jacket pocket.
LOLA
Well, happy birthday, Grandma Standish. Bye, now.
MADISON
Bye-now.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Your attention, please! Everyone! We’re going to play some games!
LOLA
Uh, I think I’ll stay after all.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Oh, how nice! And you brought a gentleman friend.
LOLA
Yeah. Yeah, he– This is Marty.
MARTY
How-do.
SPADE
Miss Brent sat down and crossed her legs at me. On her left knee, where I would have preferred to see a dimple, I saw a tattoo mark.
MADISON
I’m surprised it wasn’t a tramp stamp.
SPADE
We’re all aware of how you feel about Lola.
MADISON
Oh, she’s “Lola” now, is she?
SPADE
I thought you were gonna shut up? Lola’s gentleman friend, Marty, was a small, stocky guy — all teeth. He had the light stench of a crooked nose, if you know what I mean.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Miss Brent, this is Mr. Spade. He’s a private detective Madison works for.
SPADE
Temporarily works for.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Lola’s from Kansas City, Mr. Spade. She’s waiting for her husband to return from service overseas.
MADISON
Well no wonder she dresses like the dumpy best friend from an Apatow movie. She’s not trying to get laid… er… meet nice men… gentlemen. Meet nice gentlemen.
SPADE
Very smooth.
MADISON
Got anything left in that flask?
SPADE
Lola, where’s your husband stationed?
LOLA
Uh, Japan. Yes, he’s–
GRANDMA STANDISH
Now, quiet, everybody! Quiet! We’re going to play charades! I’ll be the captain of Team A. And, uh… Doctor Burstyn! You can be captain of Team B. We’ll both select the members of our teams. And then each of you will write something on a slip of paper like a quotation or a phrase, the title of a song, whatever you like. Then you act out what you’ve written all in pantomime. No words can be used.
SPADE
Teams were chosen. I wound up on Grandma Standish’s Team A. Slips of paper were handed out to the guests. While everybody was getting settled, Lola Brent came up to me. She pushed a slip of paper into my hand.
LOLA
This is your charade, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Yeah, but I’ve got one.
MADISON
She’s cheating! She’s cheating at freakin’ charades! Grandma!
GRANDMA STANDISH
I seem to recall a young lady who used to cheat at checkers.
MADISON
When I was eight!
LOLA
Please don’t lose the charade I gave you.
SPADE
And with that, she disappeared into the crowd. I pushed the paper she handed me into my pocket without looking at it. Her gentleman friend, Marty, was out in the center of the floor acting his charade.
MARTY
Uh… Quack-quack! Quack-quack!
SPADE
He flapped his arms up and down, quacked twice and–
MADISON
You aren’t supposed to talk during charades!
SPADE
You aren’t supposed to talk during my narration. Marty quacked, then rolled over on his back. Nobody got it, so he did it again.
MARTY
Quack-quack! Quack-quack!
GRANDMA STANDISH
Duck… Dead duck! It’s a dead duck! Oh, isn’t that wonderful? Team A scores a win there. Alrighty, let’s go on. Uh… Mr. Dead Duck? We guessed you. So will you please get up now? I think he’s… actually dead!
MADISON
Oh, man. It’s my Applebee’s employee Christmas party all over again. Minus the undercooked chicken wings.
SCENE THREE
SPADE
Marty certainly was a dead duck. I bent to him and his lips were turning blue. Somebody had spiked his last drink with a jigger of poison. One hour later, Dundy and the Homicide boys, including the medic, had taken the stiff downtown. No one could identify him. Lola Brent had brought him to the party, but she’d taken a powder.
MADISON
She’d taken a shower?
SPADE
She’d taken a powder. Ya know, vamoosed.
MADISON
Moose?
SPADE
Splitsville. Takin’ it on the lam. It was goodbye Charlie.
MADISON
Charlie? Who’s Ch–? I never want to hear another old person complain about the jargon my generation uses.
SPADE
You and Grandma Standish were kinda shaky, so I decided to spend the night on the sofa in the living room. Only used up about three hours of it when I heard the front door open. I figured it was Lola. I got to my feet, crossed to the hall, and found myself staring into the biggest forty-five I ever saw.
1ST GONIF
Where’s the duck?
SPADE
Who?
2ND GONIF
Look, we don’t want no trouble. You’re protecting this juke, oh- kay. All we want is the duck.
SPADE
Try Walt Disney. I shoulda known they had no sense of humor. The butt of the gun caught me behind the left ear. I don’t know how much more sleep I packed away until I felt you shaking me.
MADISON
Sam! Sam! Dude, wake up!!!
SPADE
Huh? What?
MADISON
A coupla guys with guns came into my grandma’s bedroom and kidnapped her! Who kidnaps a grandmother? It’s like if “Little Red Riding Hood” was directed by Tarantino.
SPADE
They, they didn’t want her. They wanted the duck.
MADISON
Oh god… now am I trapped in the movie, “Howard the Duck?” It’s a stark reminder that the Marvel Universe isn’t always great.
SPADE
I’m fairly certain there’s no “Howard.”
MADISON
Well, thank god. Why did they think anybody wanted to see Lea Thompson having sex with a duck? You know, they have a corkscrew shaped penis.
SPADE
Uh…
MADISON
Wait! We gotta call the police.
SPADE
Now, hold on–
MADISON
Ah! I forgot there isn’t 9-1-1 yet! What? Who do I call?
SPADE
We can’t call the police, Madison. Not yet. They want the duck. They think Grandma Standish can be used to get it. She’s safe for a while, but if we call the police, she’s…
MADISON
She’s… Ya know, I honestly don’t know the rules here. Can I be killed in these old timey shows or what?
SCENE FOUR
SPADE
So you promised that you wouldn’t call the police. I figured it was an out-of-state mob, probably New York. The gunsels who were after the duck musta thought I was the muscle for the juke joint. I wanted to hustle over to Jenny the Juke. If she didn’t know the score, nobody would. But you insisted on tagging along as my unwelcomed shadow.
MADISON
Oh, I’m sorry. Were you hoping to run into Lola?
SPADE
I was hoping not to be anybody’s babysitter. Especially not to my own secretary to whom I pay a salary.
MADISON
Nobody messes with my grandma.
SPADE
Jenny’s place was dark. She led us into the rear. But when I mentioned the duck, she shut down tighter than a clam in December.
MADISON
That metaphor just hit big with malacologists.
SPADE
With your insightful commentary, it’s a wonder you haven’t managed to find permanent employment.
JENNY
It’s blisters, Sam. Blisters, I tell ya! This ain’t only the local law, this is the feds! Go away, Sam! My joint ain’t jukin’ for the duration.
SPADE
Listen, Jenny, there’s an out-of-state mob. They put the arm on my secretary here’s grandmother. She don’t know the time of day. They pulled the wrong feather.
JENNY
I don’t hear a word you say, Sam.
MADISON
What’re ya, deaf? I’ve had whole conversations in clubs with music so loud, the airport next door complained.
SPADE
They’re mixed up in the juke joint grift. You know who they are. Now, give me a rundown, Jenny, or I’ll tear your ears off.
JENNY
You can’t muscle me, Sam. You know why? Because you’ll tear my ears off and that’s where you’ll stop. But that’s where they begin.
MADISON
Dude! What’s with threatening violence against women? I thought 1940’s guys were supposed to be more gentlemanly.
SPADE
Okay, Jenny, okay. One thing. Can you get word to them?
JENNY
Maybe.
SPADE
Tell ’em I’ve got the duck. I’ll deal for the old woman.
MADISON
Wait, we’ve got the duck?
SPADE
Can you do that for me, Jenny?
MADISON
When did we get the duck?
SPADE
During that brief window when you shut your trap for two seconds!
MADISON
Duck off.
JENNY
I’ll try. Go back to your office. If I can throw a little weight, you’ll get a call. If I can’t, you can come back for my ears.
MADISON
Okay, well, I guess it’s different if you’re into that sort of thing.
SCENE FIVE
SPADE
And when we got back to the office, I had you on my hands. And that was no rest cure.
MADISON
Are we really just gonna sit around here and wait?
SPADE
That about sums up my plan, yes.
MADISON
If it were Lola’s grandmother, I bet you’d do something.
SPADE
Now, what’s that supposed to mean?
MADISON
Did you notice? She walks like a woman but talks like a man.
SPADE
What?
MADISON
La-la-la-la Lola…
SPADE
Next year I am not approving Effie’s vacation time.
RANDALL
Mr. Spade, is it? Jenny the Juke sent me.
SPADE
What’s your name?
RANDALL
I-I’m Randall McCabe. And I’m here to talk about the… um… duck.
SPADE
Good enough. Come into my office. Madison, you wait out here.
MADISON
Oh, hell, no! I’m–
SPADE
I said, wait here! Sit down.
RANDALL
Thank you, kindly. I’m a lawyer, Mr. Spade. I’m here to represent my client.
SPADE
What’s his name? Excuse me a moment. Madison! Get away from that door!
MADISON
I hate you!!!
SPADE
At least we can agree on something! You were saying?
RANDALL
Um… My client has been led to believe that you are prepared to, eh… produce the duck. Is that correct?
SPADE
More or less. What’s it worth to your client?
RANDALL
My client is willing to trade the old woman for the duck.
SPADE
This town is loaded with old women. All I have to do is walk up and down Market Street. But there’s only one duck.
RANDALL
Um… There, uh, there must be a misunderstanding.
SPADE
Then let me put you straight. I’ve got the duck. Your client wants the duck. He’ll get it. For fifty G’s.
RANDALL
Fifty thousand dollars? B-but the old woman. Aren’t you interested in–
SPADE
Now, listen! You can do whatever you like to the old woman! Get rid of her however you want! I don’t care.
MADISON
WHAT?!?!
SPADE
What’s important is that you want the duck, and I want fifty grand.
MADISON
OW!!!!
SPADE
Do we play?
RANDALL
Well, if you’re ready to talk business, we’ll go and talk to my client, Mr. Spade.
SPADE
Sure thing, Randy, let’s go. Well, excuse me, sweetheart.
MADISON
I’m going with you!
RANDALL
Oh, now wait just one moment–
SPADE
Look here, Madison. You’re my secretary. If not in name, then in practice. So you’re gonna start practicing by staying right here. Try typing something. The typewriter looks lonely.
MADISON
That guy makes me miss working at Applebee’s.
SCENE SIX
SPADE
The lawyer sat up front, and I sat in the back, squeezed between two gonifs. The gun muzzles stuck into my ribs told me all I needed to know about them. Time is hard to judge when you’re blindfolded, but there’s only one main road out of San Francisco by land and I know the towns and stops along it fairly well.
MADISON
And I followed you in your car.
SPADE
Yeah, I meant to ask ya about that, how is it none of those mooks ever spotted you?
MADISON
I drove for Lyft in LA for eight months. You don’t think I can zigzag through the streets of San Francisco? Doing pick ups at LAX alone could qualify me for NASCAR.
SPADE
About twenty miles out of the city, the car turned off the main highway onto a gravel road. Five minutes later the blindfold came off, but the fog was so thick I still couldn’t see much.
MADISON
How do you think I felt? I had to park at the top of the driveway and walk in that fog. It was like stumbling home drunk at three a.m. but without the benefit of being numb and not feeling what you’re tripping over.
SPADE
The gonifs pushed me ahead of ’em into a shack that looked like a summer vacation cottage from a Hitchcock film. A sallow, mean- looking little man with a heavily scarred face met us at the door. On his right arm, just above the wrist was tattooed a small picture of a mallard duck. He glared at me and then at McCabe.
DUCKY
I told you, don’t come back without her.
RANDALL
Heaven be my witness, Ducky, I did my utmost. It seems that Mr. Spade is interested in… money.
DUCKY
What money? Did you tell him we got the old lady?
RANDALL
I did, sir. I’m afraid we’ve misjudged Mr. Spade–
SPADE
I’m right here in the room. If you hadn’t noticed.
DUCKY
So you are, Mr. Spade. But in most circles, it’s polite to wait until properly addressed.
SPADE
I ain’t so formal.
DUCKY
Alright, you don’t care about the old lady. What do you want?
RANDALL
Fifty thousand dollars.
SPADE
Ah, but you’re mistaken, Randy. My price has gone up. Fifty thousand now, and another fifty G’s when I deliver the duck.
DUCKY
A hundred G’s is a lot of cash.
SPADE
You can afford it.
DUCKY
Randall, bring in the old lady!
MADISON
It’s not polite to call a woman old, especially on her birthday!
SPADE
Aw… dammit.
DUCKY
And who exactly are you, doll face?
GRANDMA STANDISH
Madison! Oh, and Sam. Well, it’s high time. Do you two know these men?
SPADE
We were just recently introduced.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Did they tell you? I’m going to be a witness!
SPADE
A witness?
DUCKY
Yeah, that’s right. A witness for the D.A.’s office. And she’s been very accommodating.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Anything I can do to help.
MADISON
Grandma! Why would the D.A.’s office wake you at three a.m. and drag you out into the middle of nowhere?
GRANDMA STANDISH
On account of the “bad men” who might hurt me if I testify against them.
MADISON
Seriously, Grandma? You remember the telemarketers and the reason mom took away your credit cards?
DUCKY
She’s right. We brought her here ‘cuz we don’t want nothin’ ta happen to such a nice old lady.
MADISON
What did I say about calling her old?
GRANDMA STANDISH
It’s okay, pumpkin. Seventy is the new sixty.
SPADE
Relax, Madison. Your grandma can stay right where she is.
MADISON
What now?
SPADE
Sure. My business here has nothin’ to do with her.
DUCKY
You heard him, Randall.
RANDALL
There, there, now, let’s go into the other room, Grandma.
MADISON
You even let the bad guys call you grandma?!
GRANDMA STANDISH
I’m sorry to cut our visit short, pumpkin. Bye-bye!
MADISON
Sam!!!
SPADE
Well, Ducky?
DUCKY
Okay. A hundred G’s. Paid the way you said.
MADISON
What about my grandmother?!
DUCKY
We’ll hang onto her in case you decide money isn’t everything.
SPADE
Alright, it’s a deal. When you come up with the dough, you know where to reach me. Come on, Madison.
MADISON
Oh, I suppose I’m driving?
SPADE
Unless you want to stay here with your grandmother.
MADISON
Honestly, I don’t see how it could be much worse.
SCENE SEVEN
SPADE
As you may recall, the drive back was done in complete silence.
MADISON
Yeah! That was because–
SPADE
Which is the way I prefer it. When I wasn’t seeing my life flash before my eyes at every hairpin turn or narrow cliff-side pass, I happened upon a folded slip of paper in my jacket pocket. It was the one Lola had handed me at Grandma Standish’s birthday party when they were passing out the parts for that screwy charades game. I unfolded it and read it over very carefully. The writing was hard to make out, but what I could read of it said, “Help me. That man Marty has followed me here to kill me. If I get out of here alive — Maxie’s Arcade.”
MADISON
So you made me drive to that stupid arcade by the docks just because of Lola.
SPADE
I was trying to get your grandmother back.
MADISON
I thought you were trying to get a hundred thousand dollars.
SPADE
May I please continue? At the arcade it wasn’t long until I spotted a narrow little booth, muffled in drapes, with a sign over it that said, “Salty Hawkins, Tattoo Artist.” Look at that tattoo booth.
MADISON
No thanks. Had a bad experience with a tattoo artist at Burning Man. Never agree to a mystery tattoo done by somebody tripping on mushrooms.
SPADE
I was pointing out the designs the guy offers. Specifically the one of the mallard duck.
MADISON
Mine is more of a pigeon with an ostrich body.
SPADE
Like the one on Ducky Morton’s wrist. Hey, I’m lookin’ for Salty!
SALTY
Yes, sir? What can I do for ya, mate?
SPADE
What do you know about the duck?
SALTY
Fer you or the lady?
MADISON
I don’t know about a duck. But maybe you could fix this pigeon.
SPADE
Pull your shirt back down. I’m looking for a duck that’s already landed. On a left knee. Looks a lot like your work right there.
SALTY
Well, mate, even if I did know it, I wouldn’t be telling strangers about her secrets.
SPADE
Alright, where is she?!
MADISON
Jeez! You go from zero to a sixty in like, five seconds.
SPADE
Unless you want me to turn you into a pretzel, Salty, start talkin’!
SALTY
I was going to tell you anyhow. She says to me, she says — if a man comes in–
SPADE
Alright, shut up! Where is she?
SALTY
Right in the back room, mate!
SPADE
That’s more like it.
MADISON
You put the “dick” in private dick.
LOLA
Who is it?
SPADE
Spade! Open up. Hello, Lola. Finally worked out your charade.
LOLA
Come on in, quick!
MADISON
Hey! I’m here, too! Sorry. Did you two want to be alone?
LOLA
Were you followed here?
SPADE
With her driving they’d have to be professional bootleggers to keep up.
MADISON
Since I don’t know what that means, I’ll take it as a compliment.
LOLA
How much do you know?
SPADE
They want ya a hundred thousand bucks worth. You tell me why.
MADISON
Oh! She’s the duck!
SPADE
Thanks for playing. We’ve got some lovely parting gifts for you backstage.
MADISON
I like Rice-a-Roni.
LOLA
You’ve seen Ducky Morton?
SPADE
Yeah. Let’s hear it from you now.
LOLA
Don’t believe anything he says. More than a year and he didn’t even give me the time of day. But now he says he wants me back. He’s a liar.
MADISON
So, no soldier husband serving in Japan, huh?
SPADE
Nope. She’s a mobster’s moll.
MADISON
You lied to my sweet, sweet grandmother who let you call her “grandma” and then got her kidnapped by a bunch of New York mobsters! You bitch!
SPADE
Now who’s goin’ zero to sixty?
MADISON
Let go of me!
SPADE
Do you want your grandmother back or not?
MADISON
Yes!
SPADE
Then shut up a minute!
MADISON
Fine!
SPADE
Go on, Lola.
LOLA
I’m takin’ an awful chance openin’ up to ya like this. The D.A. people want me to testify, but Ducky wants me dead before I can even make up my mind about it!
SPADE
What was the racket?
LOLA
Juke joints. Givin’ mickeys to servicemen, rollin’ ’em.
MADISON
So much for “thank you for your service.”
LOLA
That’s why the feds are helpin’ the D.A.’s office. They arrested hundreds of girls and held ’em as material witnesses. Only they wanted me most of all. I’d worked the joints, y’see, when I was Ducky’s girlfriend.
SPADE
I’d think you’d be only too happy to tell what you know about him in court.
LOLA
I would but… the D.A.’s office say they’ll give a girl protection, but how can they?
SPADE
What are you doin’ in San Francisco?
LOLA
Runnin’ away. Had my ticket on a boat. But they was watchin’ the boats. So then I found this room out in Oakland. Grandma Standish was real nice to me.
MADISON
And this is how you pay her back?
LOLA
I never thought they’d find me there. And then Marty showed up. Honest, it was just a mickey I put in his drink. Just like we used in the joints. I never knew it’d kill him!
SPADE
Now, look — Ducky offered me a hundred grand to deliver ya. Would you take a chance on me fighting it out with him for half of that?
LOLA
For fifty grand? Where we meetin’ him?
MADISON
Talk about zero to sixty…
SCENE EIGHT
SPADE
The three of us when back to my place. McCabe’s car was parked outside my apartment building where I had a hunch it would be. The two gonifs picked us up at the door, unloaded my hardware, and marched us up the stairs. Ducky opened the door of my apartment and waved us inside.
LOLA
Listen, Ducky– Listen, honey, I swear I never said a word!
MADISON
Not yet, anyway.
LOLA
What’re ya tryin’ ta do? Get me killed?
MADISON
Side effects of what I say may vary.
LOLA
I’d never talk, Ducky, even if they… chopped my head off!
DUCKY
We’ll take up your suggestion later. I got a conference on with Mr. Spade here.
SPADE
Bring the money?
DUCKY
I keep my word, Spade. You delivered the duck, okay. The way Jenny gave it out to McCabe was, the old lady for the duck. But you ain’t got no ethics. Luckily, neither do I.
SPADE
You’re gonna kill the duck.
DUCKY
Let’s just say, ain’t none of ya gotta worry about yer next birthday.
SPADE
He wasn’t kidding. I’d made my play too strong.
MADISON
Oh, ya think?
SPADE
But I couldn’t change my play now. The wheel was already spinning, and so was my head. I tried to brace myself and waited for the blast.
GRANDMA STANDISH
“All the single ladies… all the single ladies–“
MADISON
Grandma! What are you doing here?!
GRANDMA STANDISH
Hello, pumpkin! I was just making coffee for these boys.
DUCKY
Randall! Go help Grandma Standish with that.
RANDALL
Oh! Here, Grandma, let me help you.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Thank you, young man. Madison, I’m so glad you got my message. Hello, Miss Brent! Sam, I do love your apartment.
SPADE
Um… thank you.
GRANDMA STANDISH
I hope you don’t mind my taking over the kitchen, Sam. It was late and the boys were getting hungry, so I offered to make them coffee and sandwiches.
SPADE
Of course not–
MADISON
Aw! You even cut the crusts off the bread.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Mr. Morton, put that pistol down for a moment and help Sam move this table out into the living room.
DUCKY
Oh. Uh, sure thing, Grandma.
GRANDMA STANDISH
Thank you, sweetheart.
MADISON
Grandma! Are you okay?
GRANDMA STANDISH
Oh, It’s sweet of you to worry, but I’ve been on my own for seven years since your grandpa died. I can take care of myself.
MADISON
You say that… but then there was the time you picked up all of those day-laborers at Home Depot.
GRANDMA STANDISH
They were waving at me. I thought they needed a ride home.
SPADE
Anything else we can do for you, uh, Grandma?
GRANDMA STANDISH
You may need to get some more chairs for when the police get here.
DUCKY
What you say there, Grandma?
MADISON
You called the police?
GRANDMA STANDISH
Oh, yes. That’s where I left you the message. I remembered that you said Mr. Spade is often down at police headquarters late at night, so I phoned there.
SPADE
Oh you did, did you?
DUCKY
What… what did you tell them?
GRANDMA STANDISH
Just that you and the boys were here, and that we were about to have some coffee. The officer said he’d just love to come up and join us, and I said do, and he said he would. With some of his boys. Why, I believe that’s them now. I do hope those sirens don’t wake your neighbors.
MADISON
Let’s get you home, Grandma.
SCENE NINE
SPADE
So that put an end to a very long day and the start to a very long headache.
MADISON
I still can’t believe you told those gangsters you wanted money instead of getting my grandmother back!
SPADE
I was buying time, sweetheart. I hadn’t quite figured out yet that Lola was the duck. I knew they wouldn’t hurt your grandmother.
MADISON
Sure, ya did. So, you got plans with Lola?
SPADE
As a matter of fact, no. But she’s got plans with the D.A.’s office.
MADISON
At least she won’t be around my grandmother anymore.
SPADE
You’ve got quite the jealous streak, you know that, kid?
MADISON
Yeah? And you’re an alcoholic.
SPADE
Do me a favor, huh? Lose my number.
MADISON
Don’t worry. You’re already blocked.
PROLOGUE
MADISON
Sam Spade was a character created by Dashiell Hammett for the “Maltese Falcon” and was first played on the syndicated radio series by Howard Duff starting in 1946. The series ultimately ran on ABC, CBS and NBC. However, during the Hollywood “Red Scare,” both Hammett and Duff were removed from the project for being named as possible Communists.