MADISON ON THE AIR: THE FALCON: “THE CASE OF THE DOUBLE NEPHEWS”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: DEC 2024

SCENE ONE

WARING

Hello? … Yes, this is the Falcon speaking. … Oh, Denise!  Thanks for calling, but I can’t make it tonight, Angel.  A quarter of a million dollars worth of jewelry is missing.  And when that much ice is on the loose, someone is likely to get frozen stiff.

ANNOUNCER

Once again, “The Adventures of the Falcon.”  Dedicated to private investigators everywhere.  Those hard hitting detectives who, like Mike Waring, risk their lives to aid law enforcement.  So join him now when the Falcon solves…  “The Case of the Double Nephew.” It’s early Sunday morning in New York when Tom Lacey enters his apartment.  He clicks on the light, looks around nervously, then walks quickly to the door to the bedroom, goes in, turns on the bedside lamp between the twin beds, tosses a briefcase on his own bed, then turns to the other bed and shakes the shoulder of his pretty girlfriend.

TOM

Madison, Madison, wake up.  I’ve got to talk to you. 

MADISON

I’m sleeping.  

TOM

Do you love me, Madison?  

MADISON

If you want to have sex, push the twin beds together.

TOM

But do you love me?

MADISON

Are we having this conversation again?

TOM

Do you? 

MADISON

I don’t care if the 1950s Puritanical belief system demands we shouldn’t live together until we’re married.  I already agreed to the twin beds.  I’m not marrying you!

TOM

I’ve got to know!  

MADISON

Are you drunk?

TOM

Look, I’m serious. 

MADISON

So am I.  If you’re drunk and you didn’t bring any for me, don’t bother pushing the beds together.

TOM

Madison, listen to me.  I’ve…  I’ve done something.  It’s hard to explain. 

MADISON

What time is it, anyway?  I’m seriously asking.  You know I can’t read these analog clocks.

TOM

Three o’clock.

MADISON

Three o’clock?!  You mean A.M., right?

TOM

Yes!

MADISON

Okay, full disclosure, I got totally wasted tonight while you worked late.  

TOM

Madison, please, I have to say this.

MADISON

You don’t have to wait to be called on.  Just say it!

TOM

I’m gonna have to go away. 

MADISON

You tried to have sex with me when you knew you were breaking up with me?!

TOM

No!  I’m not breaking up!  I want you to go with me.  I want you to stick by me.  Will you? 

MADISON

Aw, man, are you asking me to dispose of a body?  I mean, I like you, but I don’t think we’ve reached the “dispose of a body” level of our relationship.

TOM

No, not that!  I… I robbed the vault when I closed up last night. 

MADISON

Is that all? 

TOM

Yeah.  I took more than a quarter of a million dollars worth of jewelry. 

MADISON

Sweet. 

TOM

I know it was a crazy thing to do, but I blew my top.  For four years I’ve almost been running the firm.  And I told you that yesterday I found out Carraway is retiring.  You know I’ve been counting on them making me manager when he quit.

MADISON

They passed you over for a promotion from one crappy job to another crappy job so you robbed them?

TOM

I was upset!  I deserved that job!  A wire came from the Forrest family estate in Oregon.  Old Man Forrest is sending one of his nephews, Ev Forrest, a kid right out of school, never been to New York, doesn’t know a thing about the business.  He’s gonna take over. 

MADISON

Does nepotism seriously surprise you?  I was in line to be the head hostess at Applebee’s but my manager brought in his girlfriend instead and asked me to train her!  

TOM

You’re saying I overreacted?

MADISON

Not at all.  I locked her in the walk-in freezer telling her it was part of training for working the outdoor patio in winter.  She lost enough toes that she couldn’t stand anymore and had to quit.

TOM

So you got the promotion?

MADISON

What world are you living in where that story ends with me getting the promotion?

TOM

Then you understand why I got sore?

MADISON

I understand, but I hope you stole enough jewels for us to live on because my walking off with three bags of frozen chicken wings didn’t exactly pay the rent.

TOM

Yeah, I did.  ‘Cuz, you know, I just said to myself, “They don’t want me here?  Okay!  I’ll get out.  Only I’m taking my share with me.  I’m entitled to it.” 

MADISON

That’s great, but they’re gonna know you did it.  At Applebee’s everyone knew the cooks were stealing the place blind, so no one noticed the chicken wings were missing.

TOM

Well, I didn’t stop to think.  

MADISON

So you gotta plan? 

TOM

Well, I… I don’t know.  South America or something.  

MADISON

Ooo, or how ’bout Cuba?  I always wanted to see it in the Ricky Ricardo era.

TOM

Uh… sure.

MADISON

Where’s the jewelry?  

TOM

Right here in my briefcase.

MADISON

Let’s see it.

TOM

Why?  

MADISON

I want to make sure you didn’t steal a quarter of a million dollars worth of cubic zirconia.   

TOM

Okay.  There you are. 

MADISON

Ooo!  Those rocks are so hot you could use them in a lizard’s terrarium. 

TOM

Huh?

MADISON

What, no reptile humor?  It’s three A.M. and I’m still drunk from last night.  

TOM

I figured there’s always a market to sell them.   We’ll get what they’re worth.  We oughtta clear somewhere around a hundred thousand. 

MADISON

A hundred thousand?  In 1950’s money?  We could buy Cuba.

TOM

So you’ll go with me?  I have to leave.  I can’t put the jewelry back.  There’s a time lock on the vault. 

MADISON

Babalú…. 

SCENE TWO

TOM

Are you sure there’s nothing?  …  No.  That’ll be too late. … I see.  All right, never mind.  Goodbye.  Madison, I’ve tried all the lines.  No planes until Tuesday.  We’re sunk. 

MADISON

All right, fine.  I’ll fly Frontier.  But just remember, everything is an add on with them.  So be sure to book seats inside the plane.  I’m not riding in the cargo hold again.

TOM

It’s ten o’clock already.  If we’re not out of the country by the time Carraway opens the vault tomorrow.

There’ll be an alarm out for us and then we’ll never get away. 

MADISON

Yeah, I’m aware.  And technically it’s not “us” since you are the one who stole the jewels. 

TOM

I thought we were in this together?

MADISON

Until such time as I have to save my own skin.

TOM

If we can only get to Miami.  Then we could cross to Cuba.

MADISON

I hope you’re not suggesting taking a raft to Cuba.  I do not want to have to deal with the Coast Guard again.

TOM

Once we’re there, we can make arrangements.  But the way things are– Oh!  How can we–

MADISON

Will you shut up and let me think?   

TOM

There’s nothing to think!  No plane–

MADISON

Dude, I know!  Why don’t we go to the airport anyway.  

TOM

Well, what good is–

MADISON

There might be a cancellation.  This is the fifties.  You could still cancel a flight last minute without cancellation fees that cost more than your original ticket. 

TOM

It’s a long shot, but–

MADISON

Or how about chartering a private plane?  Normally I would say we need to protect the environment but, like most celebrities who claim to be green, when it’s convenient for me, screw the environment. 

TOM

Yeah… a chartered flight.

MADISON

So pull it together.  You started this.  I’ll help you get through it, as long as you don’t give me a reason to turn you in. 

TOM

Yeah, sure, of course, Madison.  Now what? 

MADISON

Well, answer it and find out. 

TOM

Right.  Yes?  Hello? 

FORREST

Hello.  Are you Thomas Lacey? 

TOM

Uh, that’s right.  

FORREST

I’m pleased to know you.  I’m Ev Forrest. 

TOM

Ev Forrest? 

FORREST

Yeah.  I see you’re surprised. 

TOM

Well, we, uh, didn’t expect you so soon. 

FORREST

Yeah, I know.  My uncle had a special reason for having me get here today.  Uh, may I come in? 

TOM

Well, uh… yeah, sure.

FORREST

Thanks.  

TOM

Um, this is my girlfriend, Madison.  Dear, I’d like you to meet Mr. Forrest.  Ev Forrest.  You know, I was just telling you he’s going to be the new manager?

MADISON

This is the guy who took your job? 

FORREST

How do you do?  Now, uh, I’d like a word with Mr. Lacey. 

TOM

Oh, go right ahead.  You don’t have to worry about Madison. 

FORREST

This is very confidential.

MADISON

I can keep a secret.

FORREST

Well…

MADISON

Okay, I’ll tell you a secret first.  Tom and I are living together and we’re not married and it’s the 1950s.  Scandal!

FORREST

I see. 

TOM

Anything you say to me, you can say in front of Madison.

FORREST

It’s about Mr. Carraway.  How do you get along with him?  

MADISON

I only met him a coupla times but he doesn’t drink and I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t drink.

TOM

You met him at a church breakfast.

MADISON

What, he’s never heard of mimosas? 

TOM

Not made with the Sacramental wine.

FORREST

I was asking Tom how he got along with Mr. Carraway.

MADISON

My observations are just as valid.

TOM

Uh, I got along with him so-so.  Why?  

FORREST

Well, my uncle’s a little concerned about the last few reports he’s received from Carraway.  

TOM

Concerned?  How? 

FORREST

The figures don’t look right. 

MADISON

Ooo!  Cookin’ the books?  Which my manager at Applebee’s did literally.  He was trying to call out the cooks — ya know, the ones who were robbing from him — by throwing the payroll book on the grill.  I met some hunky firemen that night.

FORREST

Let’s just say there are… some concerns.  And now, with Carraway’s resignation, my uncle wants me to look into it.  That’s why I came right to you.  I came up directly from the station.  Carraway doesn’t know I’m in town. 

TOM

Well, what can I do?  

FORREST

We’ll go down to the firm.  I want to look over the books.  Today, before Carraway can find out. 

TOM

Oh.  Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Forrest.  But, uh, well, Madison and I were just leaving.  We have a date.  

FORREST

I’m sorry, but you’ll have to cancel it.  This can’t wait.  

MADISON

This is his day off.  He’s not even on the clock.  In fact, this entire conversation should be paid.  

TOM

I don’t know what to say. 

MADISON

Don’t say anything!  In my day with texting and cell phones bosses think employees are automatically on-call twenty-four seven.  Do not try to talk to me about work until I’ve punched in for my shift!

FORREST

This is very important.

MADISON

That’s what my manager said when his girlfriend’s toes fell off.  But I still didn’t return his texts.

TOM

Mr. Forrest, if you’d only given me some notice.

FORREST

I couldn’t.  I’ll be frank, Lacey.  We suspect Carraway, not you.  But we don’t know how close you are to him.  We didn’t want you to warn him.

TOM

I see. 

MADISON

After the Fourth of July picnic when Carraway brought coleslaw with raisins, we have no allegiance to him.

FORREST

That’s why I’m gonna have to ask both of you, you and your…

MADISON

Live-in girlfriend.

FORREST

Both of you to come along with me.  I’m awfully sorry to have to do this, but, well, you see how it is.  

TOM

And, uh, I’m awfully sorry to have to do this. 

MADISON

Dude!  Tom!  

TOM

All right, Madison, come on, let’s get out of here!

MADISON

Time out.  You just knocked a man unconscious on our area rug.

TOM

He was gonna delay us!

MADISON

And what do you think is gonna happen when he wakes up? 

TOM

What?

MADISON

He’ll help himself to tea and biscuits.

TOM

Huh?

MADISON

He’ll call the police, brainiac. 

TOM

I didn’t think.  I’ve got the jitters.  I gotta have a drink. 

MADISON

I hope you’re pouring two.  

TOM

Why did he have to show up today? 

MADISON

Pull it together!  We aren’t gonna get very far before he wakes up. 

TOM

Who says he’s gonna wake up? 

MADISON

What’dya mean? 

TOM

Here’s your drink. 

MADISON

Tom…  How drunk do I need to be to hear your answer.

TOM

Mr. Forrest would look good in one of your scarves, don’t you think? 

MADISON

You’re gonna dress him up like a drag queen?

TOM

What?  

MADISON

Where are you going with this?

TOM

I’m gonna use the scarf, but he’s gonna have to wear it a little too tight for comfort.

MADISON

Ohmahgawd!  I am gonna have to help you dispose of a body!

TOM

I can’t quit now!  

FORREST

Oh… 

TOM

No time to argue!  He’s coming to.

MADISON

Accessory to murder again.  Great.

SCENE THREE

MADISON

You shouldn’t have killed him.  

TOM

What was I supposed to do?  Tie him up?  

MADISON

That gets ya a lot less jail time.

TOM

I didn’t see you trying to stop me.

MADISON

You’re right.  I think I’m starting to push boundaries in these old timey radio shows to see just what I can get away with.

TOM

Well, first thing, we got a body to dispose of. 

MADISON

Shouldn’t be hard, this is New York City.

TOM

Maybe somewhere in Central Park?

MADISON

It’s noon on a Sunday.  What’re we gonna do, some sort of “Weekend at Bernie’s” charade?  

TOM

Oh.  Yeah.

MADISON

Maybe we don’t hide the body.

TOM

But, Madison, tomorrow the robbery will be discovered.

MADISON

Who’s to say you committed the robbery?

TOM

It couldn’t have been an outside job.  There’s a burglar alarm and a time locked vault.  Besides, I locked up.  I’m the only one who could’ve done it.

MADISON

Yeah, I know, you’re an idiot.  I’m trying to spin this.  Who knows you locked up? 

TOM

Carraway. 

MADISON

Exactly.  But what if you say he locked up?

TOM

But he didn’t.

MADISON

Ohmahgod.  This is becoming a cautionary tale about being careful who you go on the run from the cops with.

TOM

I don’t get what you’re suggesting.

MADISON

If you say he locked up, then it’s your word against his.  And since your boss, uh, what’s his name?

TOM

Old Man Forrest? 

MADISON

I’ve had worse nicknames for my bosses, but we’re trying to keep this show PG-13.  Okay, now that we know “Old Man Forrest” already suspects Carraway of being a crook, you can pin it on him.

TOM

Say, that’s right. 

MADISON

Duh!

TOM

Oh, still, there’ll be an investigation.  Our place may be searched. 

MADISON

Well, we’re not takin’ the body back to our apartment.  What’dya think, we’re just gonna stuff him in a closet?  Have you not heard of decomposition?

TOM

What then?

MADISON

We can leave him in some alley in Carraway’s neighborhood.  Yeah.  They always talk about criminals sticking close to home.  Do you know where he lives?

TOM

Yeah.

MADISON

Okay then.  And we can also plant a few of the jewels where it’ll make Carraway look guilty.

TOM

You’re pretty good at this.

MADISON

I am, right?  I think I’m havin’ a little “Thelma and Louise” moment here. 

TOM

So, I’ll just go into work tomorrow like normal?

MADISON

Shh, shh, shh.  I’m envisioning young Brad Pitt.  Mmmm….

SCENE FOUR

SECRETARY

Right this way, Mr. Waring.

WARING

Thank you, Angel.

CARRAWAY

Ah, so you’re Michael Waring, the one they call the Falcon?

WARING

I am.  And you’re James Carraway?

CARRAWAY

Yes.  Very good of you to meet me in my office.  Something dreadful has happened.  Frightful.  I don’t know how to–  It’s just so fantastic! 

WARING

Well, I’m here now.  Why don’t you tell me what’s got you so upset.  On the phone you mentioned something about a robbery?

CARRAWAY

Yes!  A quarter of a million dollars worth of jewelry!

WARING

That’s a lotta ice.

CARRAWAY

And only two possible suspects.  My assistant, Thomas Lacey, and myself.  And since I know it’s not myself, it must be Lacey. 

WARING

Mm-hmm.  

CARRAWAY

Though it’s hard to believe.  Been with us for years.  Quiet chap, respectable.  Whole thing’s fantastic. 

WARING

Yeah, but where do I fit?  The police and insurance detectives are on the case. 

CARRAWAY

I want my name cleared.  I’ve been grilled for hours.  So has Lacey.  Now they’re waiting, hoping one of us will crack. 

WARING

And you think I can speed up the cracking? 

CARRAWAY

Please, Mr. Waring.  I am about to retire.  I just want some peace. 

WARING

All right.  But I don’t know what more I can do.  Send for Lacey.  I’ll talk to him. 

CARRAWAY

Here? 

WARING

Here.  

CARRAWAY

Very well.  

SECRETARY

Yes, Mr. Carraway?

CARRAWAY

Send Mr. Lacey in.

SECRETARY

His, uh… “lady friend” is with him. 

WARING

Lady-friend?

CARRAWAY

Oh, Lacey has some girl living with him.  We’ve all decided to look the other way.

WARING

Interesting.  Send her in with him.

CARRAWAY

The girl?  I don’t see how–

WARING

You hired me to crack him, right?  Send in the girl.

CARRAWAY

Have his… the girl come in, too.

SECRETARY

Right away, sir.

TOM

What do you want, Carraway? 

CARRAWAY

Come in, Lacey, come in.  Good to see you again, Miss– um…

MADISON

Standish.  

CARRAWAY

And my name is Mister Carraway.  I’ll thank you to remember I’m still in charge until Mr. Forrest arrives.

MADISON

We were on our way to get lunch.  Do you want us to pick you up some coleslaw?

WARING

Coleslaw?

MADISON

He likes it with raisins in it.  I think he has bowel problems and needs the fiber.  The only other explanation is he actually likes the taste. 

TOM

Who’s this?

CARRAWAY

I’d like you to meet Mr. Waring.  Mr. Michael Waring, the Falcon. 

MADISON

You’re not the Falcon. 

WARING

Oh, I’m not?

MADISON

You’re not black.

WARING

Am I supposed to be?

MADISON

According to Marvel comics you are.  Unless we’re in the timeline where the Falcon has already become Captain America, then, what?  You took over as the Falcon? 

TOM

Uh, how do you do, sir? 

WARING

Hello, Lacey.  Miss Standish.  

CARRAWAY

Mr. Waring needs to speak with you, Lacey.

MADISON

Where’re your trained birds?

WARING

Clearly you’re confusing me with another Falcon.

MADISON

Why are you called the Falcon then?

WARING

Actually… there’s no real explanation.

CARRAWAY

Can we just forget he’s called “the Falcon” and get on with this?!

MADISON

You know, Carraway, if you can’t handle working with people, you really should retire.

CARRAWAY

Mister Carraway!  Yes?!

SECRETARY

Uh… sorry to disturb you, sir, But Mr. Forrest, is here.

CARRAWAY

Good!  Send him in! 

SECRETARY

Yes, sir.

TOM

Mr. Forrest?  The old man?  Has he come? 

CARRAWAY

Certainly not, Lacey.  The nephew, Everett Forrest.  You know we’re expecting him. 

TOM

Well, yes, but I–

CARRAWAY

What’s the matter with you? 

MADISON

He’s just surprised Mr. Forrest is here right now.  Since we were heading out to lunch.  You were expecting him later, right, Tom?

TOM

Um… yeah.  Later.

CARRAWAY

Well, your lunch can wait until “later.”

WARING

I thought I was supposed to speak with Mr. Lacey.

CARRAWAY

Later!  Later!

SECRETARY

Right this way, Mr. Forrest.  Is there anything I can get for you?  I know everything about this place, been working here for fifteen years–

CARRAWAY

Stop trying to butter him up, Miss Pierce!  If he wants to keep you on, he will!

SECRETARY

I’m also quite good at handling temperamental temperaments. 

CARRAWAY

Hello, Mr. Forrest!  Come in. 

EVERETT

Thank you. 

TOM

It’s not the old man. 

MADISON

Mmm-mmm.  This guy gives young Brad Pitt a run for his money.

SCENE FIVE

TOM

What do we do, Madison?  

MADISON

It’s not like you can say, “This dude’s a fake.  I know because I killed the real Everett Forrest.”

TOM

And now Carraway brought in that Michael Waring.

MADISON

The Falcon.  Yeah, just in case, close the windows.

TOM

The windows?

MADISON

There could be trained pigeons out on the ledge eavesdropping on our conversation!

TOM

Oh.  Okay.

MADISON

I say we sit tight and wait this out.  That always works for people during Hurricanes.

TOM

But, we’ve got to expose him.

MADISON

How can we expose him without exposing us?  I mean, I’ve exposed myself many times and ended up arrested but under those circumstances, I was always let off with a warning and several phone numbers.

TOM

If we could only get the old man here face-to-face with this figure. 

MADISON

There ya go!  Old Man Forrest!  The dead nephew doesn’t matter, the robbery does!

TOM

Whatd’ya mean?

MADISON

If you were an old white dude who owned a jewelry firm, what do you think elicits a bigger response?  “Oh, my sister’s kid is dead.”  Or, “Oh, I’ve been robbed of a quarter of a million dollars!”

TOM

I see your point.

MADISON

You don’t get to be a captain of industry giving a damn about your family.

TOM

But, how does that help us?

MADISON

Hello?  Forrest already suspects Carraway.  When he hears about the robbery, he’ll confirm with the cops it was Carraway, not you.

TOM

Unfortunately, the old man can’t be reached.  He’s away on a duck hunting trip.

MADISON

See?  That’s what the Falcon should be focused on.  Training a flock of ducks to attack hunters, slowing pecking them to death with their rounded bills, smacking them with their little webbed feet… yes… a slow, agonizing death…

TOM

Madison?

MADISON

So now we wait.

TOM

But it’s getting me.  What’s this faker up to?  What does he want?  What does he hope to gain by impersonating young Forrest? 

MADISON

Dude, you need to work on your anxiety.  

TOM

Wait a minute.  I know.  He must know about the murder.  Sure! Otherwise, how could he know the real nephew wouldn’t show up?  

MADISON

Hang on, I think I got some Xanax in my purse.

TOM

Yeah, that’s it.  He knows.  And this is a subtle form of blackmail.  His way of telling me he knows.  Soon he’ll be coming to me direct.  Madison, what am I going to do?!

MADISON

Here, take this.

TOM

Thanks.

MADISON

Oh, wait.  Those were my knock-out pills.  Meh.

SCENE SIX

WARING

Hello? 

CARRAWAY

Mr. Waring?  This is Carraway.  I’m  in jail.  Imagine!  In jail!

WARING

How come they jugged you?

CARRAWAY

Because they’re idiots, that’s why.  They should know it’s a plant. 

WARING

What’s a plant?

CARRAWAY

The diamond. 

WARING

What diamond?

CARRAWAY

In my car!  

WARING

Oh, there were diamonds in your car.

CARRAWAY

Yes!  Lacey must’ve put them there. 

WARING

There’s some jealousy from Lacey, huh?  With Forrest coming in to take your job?

CARRAWAY

I suppose.  But it’s not like I had anything to do with who filled my position!

WARING

No, but you’re a really convenient patsy. 

CARRAWAY

Are you coming down here?  To bail me out?

WARING

I’m going to visit Lacey.  So I can get you sprung without bail putting a dent in my wallet.

SCENE SEVEN

MADISON

Yeah? 

WARING

Hello, Miss Standish.  Good to see you again.

MADISON

I never feed ducks bread!  I know it’s bad for them!  

WARING

Uh… glad to hear it.  Is your boyfriend in?

MADISON

Nope.

WARING

Do you mind if I come in and wait? 

MADISON

You show up unannounced, he’s not here, so then you want to come in and wait?  What am I supposed to do?  Serve you coffee and a Sara Lee cake and entertain you until he gets back?  

WARING

Well… I’ve come all the way across town.

MADISON

Yeah.  Phone first.

WARING

Please, Miss Standish–

MADISON

I’m not letting you in.  Period.  End of sentence.  End of chapter.  End of Volume.  The library’s closed! 

WARING

Can you keep me out? 

MADISON

Pardon me?!

WARING

I need to speak to Lacey.

MADISON

And you’re gonna what?  Force your way in here?  I have a gun, and I will “stand your ground law” on you so fast!

WARING

I believe you about that.  But I don’t believe you’re alone.  Unless you smoke cigars.  The room appears to have fresh smoke.

MADISON

What makes you think I don’t smoke cigars?  

WARING

It’s not… common for women to smoke cigars.

MADISON

I’m also living in sin with my boyfriend so, bring on the vices!

WARING

Oh, I see.  Well, I won’t press the point, Angel.  If Lacey doesn’t want to see me–

MADISON

I don’t know if he wants to see you or not.  He’s not here!  Should I just loop myself?  “He’s not here!  He’s not here!  He’s not here!”

WARING

All right, then.  Just tell him I know how the stones got in Carraway’s car. 

MADISON

Uh… o-kay.  What does that even mean?

WARING

The stones in Carraway’s car.  Hadn’t you heard? 

MADISON

No.  Might you elaborate?

WARING

Just ask your boyfriend.  I’m sure he knows all about it.  And so do I.  Good night, Miss Standish.

MADISON

Good night. 

TOM

Madison, who was it? 

MADISON

The Falcon. 

TOM

What did he want? 

MADISON

You.  

TOM

But… why? 

MADISON

He wanted you to sign a petition to save the spotted owl.

TOM

What?

MADISON

Which actually is a good idea.  Since it’s the 1950s, we might be able to keep their population up before they become endangered.

TOM

What?

MADISON

Bird-brain, he’s on to you.

TOM

Oh, no!  What does he know? 

MADISON

Everything.  And thanks a lot for smoking that stupid cigar in here.  It almost blew your cover. 

TOM

Sorry.

MADISON

And I thought we agreed, no smoking the apartment. 

TOM

I’m nervous!  I’m no good at this sort of thing. 

MADISON

Yeah.  You’ve clearly been in over your head since you stole the jewels.

TOM

Do you think Waring knows about Forrest? 

MADISON

Probably. 

TOM

There’s only one thing to do.  I’m gonna give myself up. 

MADISON

The hell you are!  Put down that phone!  

TOM

But, Madison–

MADISON

I said put it down!  Are you insane?!  It’s the 50s!  New York still has the death penalty!

TOM

But what can we do?  

MADISON

We’re gonna get away.  

TOM

But, Madison, there isn’t a chance!

MADISON

Uh, yes there is.  I gotta plan.  Now go on, start packing while I go out for a few minutes.  

TOM

Where to? 

MADISON

Out!  Who are you, my mom?  I don’t have to tell you everything I’m doing!

TOM

I was just hungry and thought maybe you’d pick something up for dinner.

MADISON

Oh.  Chinese okay?

TOM

Sure.

SCENE EIGHT

WARING

Hello?

MADISON

Falcon guy?  This is Madison Standish.

WARING

Oh, not “Little Miss Sunshine?”

MADISON

Is that commentary on my attitude from the dude who was trying to force his way into my apartment?

WARING

How may I help you, Miss Standish?

MADISON

Tom’s home now.  So you can come back over and see him.

WARING

You gave him my message?

MADISON

Yeah. 

WARING

What’d he say?

MADISON

To come over!  Look, I’m calling you from a phone booth.  Can we wrap this up before I contract typhoid from the receiver?

WARING

Is that all he said?

MADISON

Uh… He says he doesn’t know anything about the diamonds in Carraway’s car.  

WARING

Diamonds?  Did I say they were diamonds?

MADISON

Stones!  Whatever!  I don’t know your 1950’s jargon!  It still takes me half an hour to put on this 50’s underwear!

WARING

You’re calling from a pay phone?  Why aren’t you calling from your apartment?

MADISON

Are you coming over or do you prefer to do it when you’re not invited?

WARING

All right, Miss Standish.  I’m on my way. 

SCENE NINE

MADISON

It’s all set.  There’s a cab driver waiting for us to come down.

TOM

You mean you gave him money to hold the taxi?

MADISON

Money?  Okay, hopefully there’s a cab driver waiting for us to come down.

TOM

Then we’re going right now? 

MADISON

Yeah.  

TOM

Where’s the Chinese food?

MADISON

What?

TOM

You said you were gonna bring back Chinese food.

MADISON

You robbed a quarter of a million dollars worth of jewelry and killed a man and you want to stop to eat Chinese?  Confucius says, you’re an idiot.

TOM

All right.  Let’s go. 

MADISON

In a minute.  

TOM

“In a minute?”  I thought you were rushing us out the door.

MADISON

I have to make sure you got all my toiletries. 

TOM

I dedicated an entire suitcase to your toiletries!

MADISON

Still, I need to check– Oh!  There’s someone at the door!

TOM

Who’s that?  

MADISON

Uh… no clue.  Who is it? 

WARING

Mike Waring.  

TOM

Waring?  What’s he want?  

MADISON

Oh, no!  This spoils everything!  Unless…  Where’s your gun? 

TOM

You told me to pack it.

MADISON

No, I didn’t!  I told you to get it ready for when we left.

TOM

Which I thought meant you wanted me to pack it.

MADISON

Uck.  Do you remember where you packed it?

TOM

In with your toiletries. 

MADISON

My toiletries?  Who packs a gun with toothbrushes?

WARING

Hey, remember me?  I’m waiting. 

MADISON

Here’s the gun.  There’s only one thing to do.  We gotta shoot our way outta here.  

TOM

Oh, no, Madison!

MADISON

He’s already tried to force his way in here.  It’ll be self defense.  I’ll throw the door open and you shoot.

TOM

No, I can’t.  

MADISON

If you shoot fast enough, Waring will never have time to get his gun out. 

WARING

It’s getting awfully lonely in the hallway!

MADISON

All right, keep your pants on!  Now you do what I tell you.  As soon as I open the door, shoot.  Then it’s Cuba here we come.  Ready?  

TOM

Yeah, Madison, I’ll try.  

MADISON

There is no “try” only “do.”  Here we go!  Dammit!  

TOM

Close the door, Madison, close it!  He jumped back!  Now he’ll send for the police!  

MADISON

We still have one option left.

TOM

What’s that?

MADISON

You’re gonna have to commit suicide. 

TOM

What!?  

MADISON

You saw you were trapped, so you turned the gun on yourself.  

TOM

No, no, no, Madison, wait!  

WARING

Don’t try to kill your boyfriend, Miss Standish.  Anything happens to him, we’ll know you did it.  

TOM

He heard you! 

MADISON

There must be a trained pigeon in here! 

WARING

No, the walls are just really thin.  Come on, open the door again.  And this time, come out slowly, both of you, with your hands up.  

MADISON

I am like “Thelma and Louise”!  Do I surrender to impossible odds, or keep going and die on my own terms?

TOM

I don’t want to die!

MADISON

This isn’t about you!

WARING

When the police get here, they’ll drive you out.  Now hurry up!

TOM

You’re so good at figuring things out.  What’re you going to do now, Madison?!  

MADISON

I guess I’m at the mercy of O.T.R.

SCENE TEN

CARRAWAY

Fantastic, Waring!  Just fantastic!  To think Lacey and his girlfriend would go to such lengths.  

WARING

Well, once they got rolling, there was no stopping.  Especially when they were given what looked like a sure chance to frame you.  

CARRAWAY

Indeed.  Has the body been recovered? 

WARING

Yeah.  Forrest identified it as his chauffeur.  

CARRAWAY

His chauffeur?  

WARING

That’s right.  You see, the fellow knew Forrest was expected, so he beat him to New York and tried to trick Lacey into letting him into the building. 

CARRAWAY

Oh. 

WARING

That would get him past the burglar alarm.  Then he could knock out Lacey and either blow the lock on the vault or wait until the next day when the time lock went off.  

CARRAWAY

But instead got killed for his troubles.

WARING

Yeah, because the story about old Forrest suspecting you of monkey shines fit in too well with Lacey’s plans. 

CARRAWAY

Yes, I see.  

WARING

But Lacey never really had the temperament for all of this.  I believe he would’ve turned himself in if it weren’t for his girlfriend.

CARRAWAY

Miss Standish?  Could she be so devilish?

WARING

She lured Lacey into a gun fight with me so I’d kill him for her, then when that backfired, she tried to get Lacey to commit suicide.  

CARRAWAY

I bet Lacey wishes he’d never gotten  mixed up with the likes of her. 

WARING

Yup.  I knew something was up when she called me to come over but used a pay phone, rather than the phone in their apartment.

CARRAWAY

So what’s happened to them?

WARING

Lacey’s going to be locked up for a very long time.

CARRAWAY

And the girl?  Madison?

WARING

That’s the strange bit.  She sort of… vanished while in custody.  One minute she was in the county lock up, the next, no one had seen hide nor hair of her.

CARRAWAY

Oh, no!  She escaped?!

WARING

Well, I wouldn’t worry too much.  Women like Madison Standish always get what’s coming to them.

SCENE ELEVEN

MRS. DAVIS

Madison?  Oh, Madison?  Your alarm’s going off.  It’s time to wake up.

MADISON

I’m sleeping.

MRS. DAVIS

Come along, dear.  You’ll be late for school.

MADISON

Ten more minutes.

MRS. DAVIS

But you don’t want to be late for your first day!

MADISON

I’ve been late lots of times.  They’ll get over it.

MRS. DAVIS

That might be well and good for the students, but not for the teacher!

MADISON

What’re you talking about, mom?

MRS. DAVIS

Mom?  Oh, my.  It’s Mrs. Davis, your landlady.  And today is your first day as a substitute English teacher at Madison High School.

MADISON

What?!

MRS. DAVIS

Funny how you have the same name as the school, hmm?  Must be destiny.

MADISON

What are you talking about teaching?!

MRS. DAVIS

You’re the substitute teacher for our Miss Brooks!

EPILOGUE

MADISON

“The Falcon” also called “The Adventures of the Falcon” featuring the freelance private investigator, Michael Waring originated in the 1936 novel, “The Falcon’s Prey.” In 1941, RKO Pictures launched a series of “Falcon” films based on a different character from a different author!  The popularity of those films prompted NBC to release “The Falcon” radio series in 1943 based on the Waring Falcon, which lead to their own films in the late 1940s and eventually a TV series.  The radio series ran until 1954, and, fun fact, was used by NBC to play opposite “The Jack Benny Show” as the one series that could compete with Jack Benny for audience!