MADISON ON THE AIR: “FRANKENSTEIN” FROM “FAVORITE STORY”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JUL 2023
SCENE ONE
HOST
During the next half hour we have only one intention — to frighten you out of your wits. For this story is probably the most startling tale of horror ever dreamed on this planet. And, strangely enough, it was written by a woman, the wife of one of the greatest poets of our language.
MADISON
All right, 1947. “Frankenstein” was published in 1818. I think we can move past the utter shock that it was “written by a woman.” But I’m glad you reduced her identity to being the “wife of one of the greatest poets.” Exactly how many of his poems have been made into movies, hmm?
HOST
Tonight, you’re coming face to face with Frankenstein’s monster. If you enjoy feeling your blood pressure rise, your pulse quicken, you’ll certainly enjoy Mary Shelley’s ghastly adventure of Dr. Frankenstein. Are all of you ready to have your spines chilled? Then here’s the first act of — Frankenstein.
MADISON
I hope he didn’t oversell it. He made it out to seem way scarier than it actually is. I know. Because I was there. Dude, are you… I’m gonna get this wrong… “Clerval”?
CLERVAL
Clerval, yes. I am French.
MADISON
That’s a British accent, though.
CLERVAL
Everyone in this story is going to be… vaguely European, but speaking in British accents so your American audience can understand what we’re saying.
MADISON
I appreciate you dumbing it down for us Americans.
CLERVAL
And no one seems to care my first name is Henry. I am only ever referred to as “Clerval” in this version.
MADISON
Can I call you “Val”?
CLERVAL
No.
MADISON
I heard, “yes.” C’mon in, Val. Follow me. You can wait in the library. It’s got books from floor to ceiling. But none of them lead to a secret passage. Trust me, I tried them all. I’ll never get that month back again.
CLERVAL
Where is Victor? He summoned me here insisting this was a matter of life or death.
MADISON
Well, you know how melodramatic he can get. He’s like a pre-teen girl who’s favorite boy band just broke up.
CLERVAL
What does he have to complain about? He’s got a first and last name.
MADISON
You guys went to college together, right?
CLERVAL
Yes. At Ingolstadt. We were roommates.
MADISON
Ohmahgod, roommates. You know that one roommate who takes your stuff without asking, leaves the place a mess all the time, never changes the empty roll of toilet paper?
CLERVAL
I suppose.
MADISON
That was me. Here, have a seat.
CLERVAL
I should not have come here.
MADISON
Aw, be nice. Victor’s been askin’ for you for weeks.
VICTOR
Madison? Madison? Is he here?
MADISON
Yeah, Victor! Okay, here he comes. Big smiles and no sudden moves.
CLERVAL
What?
VICTOR
Clerval! My old friend! I didn’t think you’d come. You’ve met Madison?
CLERVAL
Not… formally.
VICTOR
This is Madison Standish. She takes care of me. She’s from the future.
CLERVAL
Pardon me?
VICTOR
What year was that, exactly, Madison?
MADISON
Roughly, 2020s.
CLERVAL
Indeed?
VICTOR
Tell him how you got here!
MADISON
“Freaky-deaky science stuff.”
VICTOR
Freaky-deaky science stuff!
CLERVAL
Oh… I see.
VICTOR
Isn’t science marvelous, Clerval?
CLERVAL
You have changed, Victor.
VICTOR
“Victor”! What a mockery my own name is. “Victor Frankenstein.” I should change it, my friend, to — “Vanquished.” “Vanquished Frankenstein.” Good name for me, eh, Clerval?
CLERVAL
“Henry” is a good name for me.
MADISON
Victor, you want me to get you guys some snacks? Chips and dip? Pizza rolls? Hot pockets?
VICTOR
Oh, Madison, it was not like this when we were at the university. Remember, Clerval?
CLERVAL
Yes. I remember, Victor.
VICTOR
Clerval and I used to play backgammon together. I used to win. I wonder if I could still beat you at backgammon, Clerval. I’ve beaten Madison every game!
MADISON
That’s because I thought we were playing checkers.
VICTOR
Get the board, will you, Madison?
CLERVAL
This is insanity, Victor. This is what you called me here for? This is urgent business? A game of backgammon?
VICTOR
Don’t leave me, Clerval! I’m afraid to be alone!
CLERVAL
You have Madison for company, don’t you?
VICTOR
She steals from me.
MADISON
It’s true. I do.
VICTOR
One game of backgammon for old times’ sake?
CLERVAL
The old times have run out, Frankenstein.
VICTOR
One game, I beseech you!
MADISON
Come on, Val. If you don’t play with him, he’s gonna make me read him Percy Shelley’s poetry all night. And the poetry of the Romantic movement, while serving to stimulate a serious, contemplative reflection over the interaction of humans with their environment, is boring A.F. There’s a reason I always fell asleep in Lit class.
CLERVAL
Get the board.
VICTOR
Like old times, eh? When we were young?
CLERVAL
When we could laugh.
MADISON
Here’s the board.
CLERVAL
Where are the dice?
MADISON
I, uh, had to remove the dice. Choking hazard.
CLERVAL
Then how do we play?
VICTOR
I’ll start! Madison?
MADISON
Right… Shooka-shooka-shooka… roll.
VICTOR
What did I get? What did I get?
MADISON
You rolled a three and a one, Victor.
VICTOR
Grand start! Just, grand! Your turn, Clerval.
CLERVAL
You’re just going to sit there and arbitrarily tell us what we’ve rolled with non-existent dice?
MADISON
Don’t worry, we’re cutting to a flashback sequence.
CLERVAL
“Flashback” sequence?
MADISON
It’s a storytelling device. You got a college degree. Keep up!
VICTOR
Remember when we played at University? Remember, Clerval?
SCENE TWO
VICTOR
There! Ha, ha!
CLERVAL
Why must I have the luckiest man in the university as a roommate?
VICTOR
It’s not luck, my friend, it’s faith. A conviction, Clerval, that no matter what the odds are against you, you can overcome them.
CLERVAL
You don’t believe in the law of chance and averages?
MADISON
What’re you, a math major?
CLERVAL
Madison? What are you doing here?
MADISON
Well, this is Victor’s flashback, and since his brain is a bit jumbled at the moment, he conflated me into his past. And that’s how you can recognize me and talk to me in your past.
CLERVAL
I find this all a bit overwhelming.
MADISON
I’ve been doin’ time travel for a while now. The best thing to do is treat it like a hot dog.
CLERVAL
Hot… dog?
MADISON
Right. Don’t think about how it got here, just throw a little relish on it and dive in. It’ll all work out in the end.
VICTOR
“Law of chance.” Open your mind, Clerval! I believe in the law of myself, and the power of the human brain.
CLERVAL
Well, you’re high.
MADISON
No kidding. He’s so thoroughly baked, he could win the Show Stopper Challenge.
CLERVAL
No, he’s high in the game, so it’s still his turn. Take the dice, Victor.
VICTOR
Look at them, Clerval — the dice. What do you suppose they’re made from?
MADISON
Please don’t say ivory, please don’t say ivory…
VICTOR
Bone, perhaps? Once these were part of a living being.
MADISON
That sounds very serial killer-y.
VICTOR
Strange, isn’t it, what happens when a creature dies?
MADISON
Man, he’s gotta be high. He’s doin’ the whole, “where do we go when we die” ramblings. Watch, in ten minutes he’ll want to order a pizza.
CLERVAL
Well, that’s what we’re here studying medicine for, Victor. To postpone death as long as possible.
MADISON
Unless the patient’s insurance doesn’t cover the procedure.
VICTOR
I wonder if there’s another way, Clerval. I’ve been reading some of the ancient medical authorities like Albertus Magnus.
CLERVAL
Witch doctors!
MADISON
Was that 1800’s European colonial racism or 1900’s European colonial racism? They’re so similar, I always get them confused.
VICTOR
Oh, no, no, Clerval! They didn’t have our knowledge and our instruments, but they were intelligent men. Combine their ideas with what we know today!
MADISON
What you “know today”? It’s the early 1800s. You do bloodletting and prescribe cocaine.
VICTOR
Imagine it. The result may be a new way to defeat death.
CLERVAL
Come, come, Victor. Are you going to play or not?
VICTOR
Of course I’m going to play!
MADISON
Boy, this backgammon game is riveting. You ever thought of making a video and putting it up on YouTube? All of your subscribers would be from retirement homes. As soon as their grandkids showed them how to subscribe.
VICTOR
Elizabeth! When did you get here?
CLERVAL
Now you’re Elizabeth?
MADISON
The dude’s mind clearly has data limitations.
VICTOR
Did you drive up to Ingolstadt with your Aunt Caroline?
MADISON
Oh… sure. Aunt Carrie. Always travel with Aunt Carrie. She… uh… says, “Hi.”
VICTOR
Elizabeth darling, it’s heavenly to see you again!
MADISON
Okay, comin’ in for a kiss, huh?
CLERVAL
When love walks in the door, backgammon flies out the window.
MADISON
Where ya goin’? Don’t leave!
CLERVAL
It’s not my memory.
VICTOR
Oh, my darling. How’s everyone in Geneva? How’s William?
MADISON
William?
VICTOR
That little brother of mine is an absolute charmer. I hope I can be home for his tenth birthday.
MADISON
Oh, William. Right. I called him Billy, so… I was confused.
VICTOR
I’ll be graduated by then but… Elizabeth, I won’t be coming home after my graduation.
MADISON
O…kay.
VICTOR
Don’t be upset with me, darling!
MADISON
Oh! I am so… perturbed!
VICTOR
We’ll have to postpone our wedding a few months longer.
MADISON
Wedding? I didn’t realize we were that involved. Does Aunt Carrie know?
VICTOR
There’s something I must do first. There’s something I must do first. There’s something I must do first. There’s something I must do first.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home–
CLERVAL
What are you talking about?
MADISON
Sorry. Already did that episode.
VICTOR
Clerval, do you know what I did that summer after my graduation?
MADISON
Crappy customer service job?
VICTOR
I became an habitué of graveyards.
MADISON
Ah. Graveyard shift.
CLERVAL
Victor, please, I don’t want to know.
VICTOR
You’re my only friend, you must listen.
CLERVAL
What about Madison? Why can’t you tell all of this to her?
MADISON
I’m just the “help.”
VICTOR
I went up into the mountains alone. I had stumbled onto a combining of ancient and modern theories, which I believed, and was certain, could create a living creature. I had to build it with my own hands, a human form, and imbue life in it!
MADISON
You scientists were so preoccupied with whether you could, you didn’t stop to think if you should!
VICTOR
It had become an obsession with me.
(BEHIND MADISON/CLERVAL)
During those months I devoted myself day and night to the most arduous, most revolting work that a scientist has ever undertaken. It is true, I became an habitué of graveyards, seeking beneath the freshly turned earth the materials with which I had to work. I began to put together a creature of human form. I found the minuteness of the parts a great handicap, so I resolved, for the ease of working, to make the creature a giant — more than eight feet in height! — so that the component parts — arteries, veins, muscle tendons — would be easier to work with. During those months my hands performed deeds which the hands of men should never perform.
MADISON
Alrighty, Val, I’ll sum it up for ya. This part is basically the typical Frankenstein’s monster origin story.
CLERVAL
What is this… “origin story?”
MADISON
How Marvel makes more money after it’s already exhausted a franchise. Okay, so imagine a montage of Victor diggin’ up graves for body parts, figurin’ out which ones he can use, zappin’ ’em with electricity to tryin’ and make ’em twitch.
CLERVAL
That’s barbaric!
MADISON
Oh, it gets better. So when he was attaching all of the body parts, he wasn’t just sticking a leg on and stitching it to the torso, right?
CLERVAL
Of course not. He’d have to meticulously attach the arteries, veins, muscle tendons…
MADISON
Exactly! But apparently he’s not really good at sewing. Like, dudes, you need to take Home Ec, too.
CLERVAL
How did he resolve it?
MADISON
Well, I would’ve reanimated a full corpse instead of sewing bits and pieces together. But that’s me. Victor figured the way around the tiny pieces was to go big or go home. He made the creature over eight feet tall. Good decision, right? I mean, what could possibly go wrong with that?
CLERVAL
What recklessness!
MADISON
Seriously. Then came the big moment…
VICTOR
The work was almost done. The huge unclothed monster lay grotesquely on my work table. I had filled its gigantic frame with blood and planned on the following day to subject it to the electric shocks which would activate its nervous system, and make it a living, breathing creature. I sank to my couch, exhausted, and fell into a deep sleep.
MADISON
This is where it gets pretty lame. I was expecting the big dramatic moment where Dr. Frankenstein yanks on the chains, pulling the lifeless body of the monster to the heavens where it is struck by lightening, and he exclaims, “One-point-twenty-one gigawatts!”
CLERVAL
How’s that?
MADISON
Wrong mad scientist. I meant “It’s ah-live!!!”
CLERVAL
Uh-huh. But, that’s not what happened?
MADISON
Nupe.
VICTOR
When I awoke in daylight, I realized that a bolt of lightning during the night could have infused life into the monster, even as I had planned it in my controlled experiment! I flung open the laboratory door and discovered the monster was gone!
CLERVAL
So the monster only came to life because of an accident?
MADISON
Yup. And Frankenstein slept right through it.
CLERVAL
That rather… deflates his achievement of generating life.
MADISON
Little bit, yeah.
VICTOR
For months, Clerval, I searched for the creature. There were a few vague rumors, unconfirmed reports of a hideous shadow roaming the upper mountain valleys. Nothing to go on. I gave up the search and returned to Geneva.
MADISON
Okay… we’re going from a monologue about the past into a flashback scene. I’ll leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we don’t get lost.
SCENE FOUR
VICTOR
Elizabeth, darling, I’m sorry to have worried you. I’m all right, my dear, now that I’m with you.
MADISON
I’m Elizabeth again, huh?
VICTOR
You’re not angry with me, are you, my sweet?
MADISON
No worries.
VICTOR
You aren’t curious where I’ve been, lo these many months?
MADISON
Out trying to track down the monster you so carelessly created with no thought to the repercussions?
VICTOR
I shan’t tell you. It’s nothing you would understand.
MADISON
I think I just nailed it, but, okay.
VICTOR
Oh, darling, how soon can we be married?
MADISON
Married? I haven’t heard from you in months and you think you can just show up here and pick up where you left off? If you wanna marry me, buddy, you’re gonna have to earn it.
VICTOR
Elizabeth–
MADISON
How do you know I even waited for you all this time, huh? True, marrying you means marrying a doctor, so one for your plus column, but are we completely ignoring the plot line where your parents adopted me when you were five, so we basically grew up as brother and sister? That’s sick, dude.
VICTOR
Come in!
PREFECT
Dr. Frankenstein?
VICTOR
I am he. What do you wish, sir?
PREFECT
I’m the Prefect of Police.
MADISON
You’re the “perfect police”?
PREFECT
“Prefect.” It means I am the head of the National Police of France.
MADISON
But you have a British accent.
CLERVAL
I thought we covered that already.
MADISON
Oh, you’re still here, Val?
CLERVAL
For whatever reason, I continue to listen to this story.
PREFECT
Please, may I state my business? I have some distressing news.
CLERVAL
Carry on. I don’t wish to drag this out any longer than need be.
MADISON
Jeez, you’re cranky. Ya hungry? Maybe we should order a pizza.
PREFECT
My news?
VICTOR
Well, what is it, sir?
PREFECT
Your brother, William, has been killed.
VICTOR
My brother?!
MADISON
He’s technically my brother, too, right?
VICTOR
How did it happen? An accident?
PREFECT
No. No accident. He was strangled to death.
VICTOR
But he’s only a child! Ten years old! So… tell me… tell me exactly what happened.
PREFECT
It was just growing dark, Doctor. The children were playing hide-and-seek together. Little William hid himself in a grove of bushes by the edge of the lake. There was a scream. But, when they reached the child, the life had been choked out of him.
MADISON
See, it’s that kinda stuff that created helicopter parents. When I was little and played hide-and-go-seek, my mom insisted on hiding with me. We were always found first because she gave us away with her Virginia Slims.
VICTOR
Officer, may I borrow a gun from you?
PREFECT
Certainly.
MADISON
The cop just gave you his gun? Whoa, talk about white privilege.
VICTOR
I will be back, Elizabeth, after I find my brother’s murderer!
MADISON
So… uh… you’re the head of the French police?
PREFECT
Yes.
MADISON
You think that was a good move on your part? You just gave a weapon to a vigilante.
CLERVAL
Madison, maybe that’s not exactly how it happened. Maybe that’s just how Victor is remembering it.
PREFECT
No, I gave it to him.
MADISON
Alrighty, I better get to the next scene. Since Victor’s blinded by grief, and now armed, he might start shooting every guy he finds over six feet tall.
SCENE FIVE
THE MONSTER
Stop! Stop!
VICTOR
Who’s that?!
THE MONSTER
Frank-en-stein!
VICTOR
What’s there?
THE MONSTER
Do… you… not… remember?
VICTOR
Get away! Don’t touch me! Ahh!
MADISON
Sorry, that was me.
VICTOR
Elizabeth! What are you doing here?
MADISON
Whoa! Dude! That’s the creature? Didn’t stop to find any pants, I see. Talk about attention to detail. Victor, does that thing work?
THE MONSTER
I… will… not harm you… Doc-tor Frank-en-stein.
MADISON
BTW, how did you find him so fast? Before you said you’d searched for months and couldn’t find him. Then boom, there he is. Man, your flashbacks are convenient for advancing the plot.
VICTOR
You murdered my brother!
MADISON
Wow. You just leapt to that conclusion, didn’t cha? What proof do you even have?
THE MONSTER
Yes! I… kill… him!
MADISON
Oh. Okay, then. There ya go.
THE MONSTERS
It makes… me… feel… good… to… kill. Heh! Heh! Heh!
MADISON
So we’re not goin’ with the sad brooding Robert De Niro monster who, you know, just wants a friend?
VICTOR
I wish to God I’d never created you!
THE MONSTER
But… you… did… create… me!
MADISON
Just double checkin’, we’re definitely droppin’ all character development for the creature and reducing him to a bloodthirsty, clearly well endowed, monster?
CLERVAL
Isn’t this show only supposed to be thirty minutes long?
MADISON
Yeah, but doesn’t that defeat the purpose of Mary Shelley’s writing? The theme that people can’t see past their differences, and when a human is rejected from a sense of community, the isolation will drive them mad?
CLERVAL
I thought this was supposed to be a scary Halloween monster story.
MADISON
They’re all surprised a woman wrote this, and then the dudes adapting it are like, “Layered character development? We want, ‘Hulk smash!'”
THE MONSTER
(growl)
MADISON
Sorry, monster. Go back to threatening Victor.
THE MONSTER
I… will… kill… again!
VICTOR
No! What I created I can also destroy. Stand back, monster! You’ve breathed your last breath! Die! Die! Why don’t you die?!
THE MONSTER
Your… little… pistol… can-not… hurt… me! Heh! Heh! Heh!
VICTOR
Dear Lord in Heaven, hear me, I beseech you. How can I destroy this thing — before it destroys me?!
MADISON
First, he plays God by creating life, now he begs God for help. The balls on this guy. And that guy.
HOST
Have we scared you yet? We’ll be back in a moment with the second act of “Frankenstein”!
PROMO BREAK
SCENE SIX
HOST
You know, Mary Shelley, who wrote “Frankenstein,” was the wife of Percy Bysshe Shelley, the British poet. I sometimes wonder what kind of married life they had together.
MADISON
From what I’ve read, he cheated on her with her step-sister.
HOST
Can you imagine Percy sitting at his work table one evening, writing “Hail to Thee, Blithe Spirit” while Mary sat quietly at her desk making monsters with her quill pen? And Percy looking up and saying, “Darling, what rhymes with Ozymandias?” And his wife replying, “Don’t interrupt me, dear. I’m in the middle of a graveyard.”
MADISON
Why not? While Percy was still married to someone else, he started secretly meeting Mary at her mother’s gravesite where they, apparently, fell in love. So, I’m guessin’ graveyards are a turn on.
HOST
Well, now it’s time we return to the black foothills of the Jura mountains where Dr. Victor Frankenstein is continuing his terrifying story to his friend, Clerval.
MADISON
And me. I was there, too. Women really don’t count in your book, do they?
HOST
Here is act two!
MADISON
Shooka-shooka-shooka. Roll. Seven.
VICTOR
A seven. I rolled a seven, Clerval!
CLERVAL
Yes, so you did.
VICTOR
Lucky number.
CLERVAL
Back to your tale, Victor. Did this “monster,” as you call it, have anything to do with what happened to Elizabeth?
MADISON
Wait. What happens to Elizabeth?
VICTOR
I’ll tell you, Clerval. I must tell someone. This frightful giant I had built came to me in the darkness — always in the darkness! And begged me to build another creature like himself. But a woman!
CLERVAL
Good lord!
MADISON
Oh, crap!
VICTOR
The thing was lonely. Nowhere, from no one, could it receive friendship or affection.
MADISON
What about you? You built him! You couldn’t spare a few hours in your day to go out for lunch, or grab a coffee, somethin’?
VICTOR
It demanded that I build another monster, a mate. I refused, and it threatened me. It swore a frightful oath.
THE MONSTER
If… you… will… not… build me… a companion,… I… will… destroy… everything… you… love. And I… will be with you… on your… wedding day!
VICTOR
What could I do? Elizabeth and I were engaged. Only a few weeks remained before we were to be married.
MADISON
I didn’t realize we’d set a date.
VICTOR
I thought for the sake of her safety that I… I must do what the monster asked.
MADISON
Why didn’t you just invite him to the wedding? He could enjoy a nice buffet, dance with some of the bridesmaids, get drunk with Aunt Carrie…
VICTOR
So I climbed up to my dismal mountain laboratory where I had conducted the first experiment. I went into the workroom. And I set about the disgusting labor of creating another giant — a woman.
MADISON
Okay, everybody, pray for another lightening storm.
VICTOR
When the task was half done — while the ghoulish torso lay incomplete on my work table — I paused to wonder, would the fiend keep its promise? Would the monster cease from murder and destruction? Or would I be turning two demons loose upon the world, two creatures which would breed children as hideous as themselves?
MADISON
Question answered then. It is fully functional.
VICTOR
In a few generations these monsters, born of my hand, could extinguish civilization on this planet! Perhaps wipe out the entire human race!
MADISON
Dude, maybe you should’ve gone into something like botany. I have some houseplants you could try and resurrect.
VICTOR
I couldn’t do this thing. I gathered together the pieces of my half-made creature and I flung them from the ledge of a high cliff into a nearby lake!
MADISON
You threw random body parts of a bunch of different dead women into a lake? Forget the monster. You’re gonna have forensic teams thinking they’ve got some crazy serial killer on the loose.
VICTOR
But as I did these things, I… I knew I was being watched. Somewhere in that forest of pine tree shadows, somewhere among the moonless crags, I knew that two eyes were following my every movement. As I packed my few belongings for the trip back home to Geneva — back to my precious Elizabeth, back to the little wedding chapel where we were to be made husband and wife — one terrible memory kept echoing through my mind.
THE MONSTER
I… will… be… with you… on… your… wedding day!
MADISON
Bring… a… gift…
SCENE SEVEN
VICTOR
I’m sorry if I appear troubled, darling.
MADISON
I’m gettin’ used to it.
VICTOR
We are married. Do you realize that, dearest?
MADISON
Uh, no… missed that scene.
VICTOR
I hope all of our days together will be as happy as this one has been.
MADISON
Oh, so I had a good time, at least?
VICTOR
Light a lamp, dear, quickly. It’s almost dark here. We must have light.
MADISON
You think I have a clue how to light an oil lamp? From the future, remember? Circle back to me when you guys get electricity.
VICTOR
Fine, then I will light it. Elizabeth, until the sun rises again, you must not leave my sight. There is great danger, darling.
MADISON
Well, you’re gonna have to gimme at least five minutes. Apparently I drank a lot of champagne at the reception, ‘cuz I gotta pee.
VICTOR
I must not leave you alone, not for a single instant!
MADISON
Then maybe instead of putting all of your energy into creating a murderous monster, you should’ve spent your time inventing indoor plumbing!
VICTOR
Elizabeth, don’t go, darling! Don’t!
MADISON
Bloodcurdling scream. Ahhhh.
VICTOR
Elizabeth!!!
SCENE EIGHT
CLERVAL
You knew there was a bloodthirsty monster out there who had made threats against you on your wedding day.
MADISON
Yup.
CLERVAL
You couldn’t… hold it?
MADISON
I’m not really Elizabeth! She had to die for the plot, so, there ya go.
CLERVAL
Of all the possibilities available, you chose to have her die…
MADISON
On the john, yes. I was improvising!
VICTOR
My poor darling, Elizabeth. What have I done to you?
PREFECT
You must not blame yourself, Dr. Frankenstein. You had nothing to do with this ghastly murder.
MADISON
Your gun was useless, by the way.
PREFECT
Then it shouldn’t matter that I gave it to him.
VICTOR
I am to blame! I created my wife’s murderer!
PREFECT
What do you mean, doctor?
MADISON
He created the monster who killed William and then killed me. Er… Elizabeth. Say, did you even try and find the murderer after William’s death? Like, what have you been doing on the case? Anything?
PREFECT
Of course. We found a locket belonging to William in the nanny’s pocket and hanged her for the murder.
MADISON
Jeez! You hanged an innocent nanny while Victor’s monster is still out there slaughtering people?
VICTOR
Arrest me! Take me to prison where I belong!
MADISON
Hang on there, Victor. I think the cop here is as culpable as you are.
PREFECT
I was going let him off the hook here.
CLERVAL
Madison, stop rewriting Victor’s memories!
MADISON
I’m just trying to give him some perspective as he’s remembering it. I mean, c’mon, this is when the dude full on loses it.
VICTOR
Hear my confession. I have created a monster. Built it with my own hands. Imbued it with life. But this demon I created has no soul. It devotes itself to one fiendish purpose — to destroy all things that I love, and which love me. Sir, send your policemen out in full force to scour the mountainside for this monster. It must be found. It must be found!
PREFECT
Doctor, you need rest. Rest and sleep will make you feel better.
CLERVAL
So, this is how Victor came to be locked up in this villa?
MADISON
Yeah. As you can see, the police didn’t believe him.
PREFECT
In my memory of the events, Elizabeth made considerably fewer snide comments with her neck snapped!
CLERVAL
I think you offended him.
MADISON
He totally dropped the ball on this thing. Monster’s still out there. ‘Sall I’m sayin’.
VICTOR
You poor fools. You think I am mad? You! You are the mad ones!
CLERVAL
Rattling on about monsters. Frankenstein, I’ve had enough.
MADISON
Geez. You’re not a very tolerant friend. What’s your bedside manner like as a doctor? “Lady, stop your whining. You got cancer, deal with it.”
CLERVAL
Is this tale almost over?
MADISON
Yes, this next transition will bring the story up to modern day. You think you can stand it for five more pages?
CLERVAL
Do I have a choice?
MADISON
You’re like meeting an internet troll in real life.
SCENE NINE
VICTOR
My last throw of the dice, Clerval. I will lose. Even as I had faith in my young days that I would win, now I have faith that I’ve already lost.
CLERVAL
Roll the dice, Victor. Let’s finish this game. It’s a long walk back to the city, and I want to get home whilst there’s still moonlight.
MADISON
Yeah, and with all of these flashbacks, I’ve been in overtime for like, three hours.
CLERVAL
Then get on with it.
MADISON
I should get paid extra just for dealing with you. Shooka, shooka, shooka. Roll.
VICTOR
Wait! Is it possible? No, no, no, it’s not possible. I thought for a moment, Clerval, that the dice had moved in my hand.
CLERVAL
There are no dice!
VICTOR
They’re made from bone, these dice. They were once living tissue in a living creature. I’ve made dead things live again.
CLERVAL
Victor, this is insane. You should submit yourself to qualified medical care. These unfortunate deaths close to you have warped your brain. Your monster does not exist.
MADISON
Yes it does! You were in the flashbacks with us! You saw it!
CLERVAL
And you. I cannot even fathom where to begin with you! You two lunatics deserve each other.
VICTOR
Clerval!
CLERVAL
Now get a grip on yourself, man. You never created such a creature. There is no such monster on the face of the earth!
MADISON
Ya sure about that?
THE MONSTER
(growl)
CLERVAL
Great God!
THE MONSTER
You… are… a friend… of… Doc-tor Frank-en-stein?!
VICTOR
No! No! Clerval is no friend of mine!
THE MONSTER
You… lie!
MADISON
Oh, yeah, Vic and Val go way back. College roommates, even.
CLERVAL
Are you trying to get me killed?!
MADISON
What can I do? It’s part of the plot.
THE MONSTER
I… kill… all… who… are… friends… of… Frank-en-stein!
VICTOR
Get away from him! No, get away! Stay back! Stay back!
CLERVAL
No! No! Get away!
THE MONSTER
He… is… dead!
VICTOR
Will you destroy everything in my life?!
THE MONSTER
Ev’ry-thing!
MADISON
That’s what you get for messin’ with the laws of nature there, Vic.
THE MONSTER
Who… this… lady? New… wife?
MADISON
Me? No, no, no. I just work here.
THE MONSTER
You… take… care… of… Franken-stein?
MADISON
In a housekeeper like capacity, yeah.
VICTOR
Please! Leave her be! I live in solitude. She’s the only thing in my life I value!
THE MONSTER
Then… she… dies!
MADISON
Oh, way to serve me up on a freakin’ platter!
VICTOR
You made me lose at backgammon.
MADISON
Hang on, hang on! Monster, you, uh, seein’ anyone? You got a girlfriend?
THE MONSTER
No. Doc-tor… not… build… mate.
MADISON
How ’bout we go out and grab a drink?
VICTOR
Madison! What are you doing?
MADISON
I’ve already seen the goods and, thanks to you, they’re quite impressive.
VICTOR
It’s lunacy!
MADISON
The dude just wants a girlfriend. Get ’em laid and he’ll probably stop killin’ everybody. C’mon, monster-mash, let’s hit a pub.
THE MONSTER
Am… I… dressed… all-right?
MADISON
You’ve got pants, so, it’s a start.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
This adaptation of Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” was featured on the show “Favorite Story,” an anthology series which ran from 1946- 1949. The format was a celebrity, such as an actor, director, musician or athlete, would pick their favorite story for the show to adapt. This episode was chosen by comedian Fred Allen. However, years later, many of those involved with the series said the producers would offer the celebrity a short list of stories to choose from, their own true “favorites” not actually considered. None of the celebrities appeared in the episodes they lent their names to — in order to save the production company money on their salaries. But the trade off for using their names would be to include a promotion for any upcoming project. The show adapted many prestigious titles, focusing on stories already in public domain — also to save money. The ads for the show bragged that the series stood “head and shoulders above the finest programs on the air.”