MADISON ON THE AIR: “DANGEROUS ASSIGNMENT: OPERATION FISHHOOK OR MADISON’S BIRTHDAY”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JAN 2023

SCENE ONE

ANNOUNCER
Dangerous Assignment, starring Madison Standish as the colorful, two-fisted government agent.

MADISON
Two-fisted?!

ANNOUNCER
Uh… the colorful, virile–

MADISON
NO!

ANNOUNCER
Hard-hitting?

MADISON
Let’s just move on, okay?

ANNOUNCER
In all those places of the world where danger and intrigue walk hand-in-hand, there you’ll find Madison Standish on another… Dangerous Assignment.

MADISON
Yeah, danger is my assignment. I get sent to a lot of places I can’t even pronounce — Which really just points out how woefully ignorant Americans are with world geography — They all spell the same thing though, “trouble.” But when I walk into the commissioner’s office, I don’t realize this assignment is gonna end up with me having one of the craziest birthdays of my life! Good morning, Commissioner. Ruth said you had an assignment for me.

COMMISSIONER
I do, Madison. Your plane leaves for Haiti in one hour.

MADISON
Haiti? For a vaycay?

COMMISSIONER
Vay… what?

MADISON
Vay-cay. Much deserved. Especially with what’s on the calendar in a few days.

COMMISSIONER
What’s on the calendar is your new assignment.

MADISON
Does it involve… cake?

COMMISSIONER
Cake?

MADISON
Sure! You gotta have cake. I’m a fan of all things chocolate, if that helps with the ordering.

COMMISSIONER
I’ll keep it in mind. Have you seen the current issue of this picture magazine?

MADISON
Why, does it have party planning hints?

COMMISSIONER
Doubtful. But look at this article.

MADISON
I don’t read magazines. My grandma used to keep a stack of ’em next to the toilet. All I could think of was how many people had handled them while pooping. Now people sit there with their phones. Totally vile.

COMMISSIONER
Yeah, well… The magazine’s got a spread on Haiti. Here, take a look at it.

MADISON
Eh…

COMMISSIONER
You don’t have to touch it. Just look. This picture in particular.

MADISON
“A village deep in the jungle of Haiti.” What? Disappointed, National Geographic, because the women are wearing tops?

COMMISSIONER
No. But take a look at those villagers in the background.

MADISON
They look like extras from a Tarzan movie. Oh! Dude! But look at this guy! Ha! They let him on set wearing a leather flight jacket! Aw, man. I can’t believe they didn’t catch that in post.

COMMISSIONER
That’s my point exactly. We got a copy of the picture and had that section of it blown up. Can you read the name on that flight jacket?

MADISON
Uh… “F. Carlson”?

COMMISSIONER
F. Carlson it is.

MADISON
Okay. So, what’s his deal?

COMMISSIONER
Madison, do you remember “Operation Fishhook”?

MADISON
I’m not really into fishing. The only outdoor activity I like is sitting on the patio at Starbucks.

COMMISSIONER
Well, let me fill you in. Two months ago a group of scientists left for the Caribbean to conduct research and tests. They were working on a revolutionary theory of anti-submarine warfare. A self propelled depth charge with a proximity fuse.

MADISON
So many words. So little interest.

COMMISSIONER
I’ll skip the technical details.

MADISON
Probably best.

COMMISSIONER
What it boils down to is the most effective weapon against a submarine that has ever been devised.

MADISON
Oh, yeah. Comin’ outta World War Two, you guys were really all about submarines, weren’t cha?

COMMISSIONER
Well, the Russians are quite fond of using them, so, yes.

MADISON
Oh, right! Cold war! Okay. Go ahead.

COMMISSIONER
Thank you. The scientists completed their research and compiled all the data, then they took off for the states in a plane. That’s the last we ever heard of them.

MADISON
Defected?

COMMISSIONER
Uh, no. Lost at sea. We suspected that their plane had crashed into the ocean, that they’d been sabotaged. At least we suspected it, until this magazine came out.

MADISON
Ya lost me.

COMMISSIONER
The pilot of the plane was a man named “F. Carlson.”

MADISON
Right, yeah. I’m with ya.

COMMISSIONER
Madison, it’s possible that Carlson and some of the other members are still alive. It’s also possible that the data they compiled is floating around in Haiti somewhere. I’m sending you down there to get it.

MADISON
Oh! Like a quest?

COMMISSIONER
Um… yes… I suppose you can call it a “quest”.

MADISON
This sounds like fun!

COMMISSIONER
I don’t know about, “fun.” There will be obstacles. It’s quite possible, even probable, that other interests have seen this picture in the magazine, too.

MADISON
Oh, yeah. All quests have to have obstacles.

COMMISSIONER
Your contact down there is the photographer who took the pictures. Her name is Virginia Collins and we’ve learned that she’s still in Haiti at the Hotel Christophe in Port-au-Prince.

MADISON
That’d be a perfect place for a party!

COMMISSIONER
I’m sure it is. Madison, get down there and talk to Virginia Collins. Go anywhere and do anything that’s necessary to find Carlson and recover that data. Well, that’s it. You’ve got your assignment. Good luck.

MADISON
Yup, I’ve got my “assignment.” Wink, wink.

COMMISSIONER
She makes me miss my P.O.W. days in the South Pacific.

SCENE TWO

MADISON
I could see through the commissioner like a Jennifer Lopez gown on the red carpet. He didn’t want to tip the surprise, but it’s my birthday! And I totes know this quote/unquote “assignment” is really a birthday quest to find this Carlson guy for the big birthday pay off. I mean, come on! Looking for a leather flight jacket in a Haitian jungle to find anti-submarine plans? Yeah, that’s believable. So he’s sending me on a quest to a party! This was gonna be so much fun. Well, it’s Thursday, two days before my birthday, when my plane lands at Port-au-Prince, and it is freakin’ hot. Like Florida armpit hot. I check in at the Hotel Christophe and set out for phase one of my quest, finding the photographer, Virginia Collins. But apparently she’s gone out. So, what do you do when you’re in a beautiful Caribbean hotel?
Get a fruity rum drink and chill out on the veranda! When I get there, the place is pretty packed, so I grab the only open seat next to this little dude who looks kinda like Higgins from “Magnum P.I.”, but somehow snooty-er.

DALRYMPLE
Good afternoon, Miss.

MADISON
S’up.

DALRYMPLE
I believe the proverbial question is, “Is it hot enough for you?”

MADISON
I believe the proverbial answer is, “Not interested.”

DALRYMPLE
I’m sorry if you misunderstood me, but I truly was referring to the weather.

MADISON
So, you’re boring and I don’t want to talk to you. Buh-bye.

DALRYMPLE
I wouldn’t be here in Haiti at all if it weren’t for a very special reason.

MADISON
A very special reason? Like… a very special occasion?

DALRYMPLE
Actually, yes. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Professor Ernest A. Dalrymple.

MADISON
Hey, Ernie.

DALRYMPLE
Professor Dalrymple.

MADISON
I’m Madison Standish.

DALRYMPLE
I see my name doesn’t mean anything to you, Miss Standish? You are apparently not a student of folklore?

MADISON
I was a Computer major. No. Communications major. Honestly, most of my core classes were at eight A.M. so no way I was gonna go to those.

DALRYMPLE
Well, I am one of the foremost authorities on the subject of folklore. That’s why I’m here now. My next book is to have a section devoted to Vodou, and I’ve learned that there is to be a very rare ceremony performed in the back country in two days.

MADISON
A Vodou themed party in two days?

DALRYMPLE
Well, I wouldn’t say “party,” it’s actually a ceremony. You see, I’ve been invited by the Mambo–

MADISON
We’re gonna dance the Mambo? Okay. That sounds fun. Ya know, for the fifties.

DALRYMPLE
No, a Mambo is the high priestess. The ceremony is a private event, invitation only.

MADISON
Oh! A-listers, huh?

DALRYMPLE
Well… uh…

VIRGINIA
Excuse me. Are you Madison Standish? I’m Virginia Collins.

MADISON
Hey, girl, there you are. Ernie here was just telling me about the pachanga!  She’s invited, right?

DALRYMPLE
I’m not certain, uh–

MADISON
Don’t worry, girl. I’ll getcha in.

VIRGINIA
Um, the hotel clerk said you were looking for me?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to talk to you about the, ya know, picture.

VIRGINIA
I’m sorry. I have a bit of a hangover. You mind if we go into the bar where it’s a bit cooler and continue this over a Rainbow Fizz?

MADISON
“Rainbow Fizz”? What’re ya, ten? No, no. Not on my watch. Hangovers require hair-of-the-dog. Come with me. Later, Ernie. And I can’t wait!

DALRYMPLE
Yes, uh… I’m sure we’ll chat again.

MADISON
This is gonna be the best birthday party ever! Although, my twenty- first birthday was legendary. At least that’s what the arresting officer said.

SCENE THREE

VIRGINIA
You were right, Madison. This “fruity rum drink”, as you call it, is really doing the trick. I’m starting to feel almost human again.

MADISON
Follow that up with a Denny’s Grand Slam and you’re ready for lecture hall. Economics! That was my major! That’s the one with all the math, right?

VIRGINIA
So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?

MADISON
You’re step one on my quest.

VIRGINIA
Quest?

MADISON
Mm-hmm. I’m supposed to ask you about the pictures you took in that village?

VIRGINIA
You’re the second person who’s asked me about those pictures.

MADISON
Seriously? Who else? Was it an A-lister looking for the party? I assume it’s not Ryan Reynolds since he totes blew me off last year.

VIRGINIA
I don’t know his name, never saw him before. He saddled up to me in the lobby just a couple of hours ago and wanted to know about the photos, too. What’s with those pictures, anyway?

MADISON
The commissioner has set up a kinda quest, like in World of Warcraft, for my birthday.

VIRGINIA
Your birthday?

MADISON
Yeah. And when I finish the quest, I find the party. Pretty cool idea, huh?

VIRGINIA
I still don’t see how my pictures come into it.

MADISON
The picture from that village. I have to find the dude with the leather flight jacket.

VIRGINIA
Oh, that picture.

MADISON
It’s the first clue to where the party is. So, I assume you’re an NPC and are supposed to tell me where the village is?

VIRGINIA
NPC?

MADISON
Non-player character? Sorry, I only know a little bit about WoW because of this guy, Lucas, I dated in high school.

VIRGINIA
Well, I’ll do better than just tell you about the village, I’ll take you there.

MADISON
That would be ah-mazing. ‘Cuz Lucas only taught me to play so he had someone worse than him to fight.

VIRGINIA
Oh?

MADISON
I finally had my moment, though. I got one of my brother’s friends to play as my character and killed him so many times, they actually put a tombstone with his name in the spirit graveyard.

VIRGINIA
Isn’t that something?

MADISON
So, if you’re not an NPC, are you a guide or something?

VIRGINIA
Well, no, I’m a reporter.

MADISON
You’re going to cover my party for your magazine? I’m gonna be featured in millions of bathrooms all around the world.

VIRGINIA
I do know I guide who can take us to that village. I’ll meet you out on the terrace a little before dawn.

MADISON
And by “dawn” you mean… “noonish”?

VIRGINIA
I’m afraid it’s a day’s hike to get there.

MADISON
Hike? As in “walking”?! Oh, right. Everybody always walks on quests. Like those “Lord of the Rings” guys. You think we could skip ahead on the walking with a few quick montages?

VIRGINIA
Wear comfortable shoes.

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Well, this certainly was a new experience. Usually I’m up until dawn coming home from a party, not waking up before dawn on my way to the party. Since I’d never been on a birthday quest before, I decided the pay off was gonna be worth it. So, I head over to the terrance where Virginia said she’d meet me, when suddenly I hear something in the bushes. I’m thinkin’ it might be an animal. Coming home from a party once, I mistook a coyote for a dog. He liked the leftover pizza, but not the belly rubs. So when I turn around and see something shiny, all I can think of is coyote teeth, and hit the ground. It was a gun! Somebody was shooting at me! So, I look towards the bushes and see this guy running away. I shout after him, “Dude, the hell?” He looks back and then runs smack into Virginia. Careful! He’s got a gun!

LUBO
No! No! I have no gun!

MADISON
Liar! You just shot at me!

VIRGINIA
Lubo wouldn’t do a thing like that!

MADISON
Lubo? Who the hell is Lubo?

VIRGINIA
Him. He’s our guide. Lubo.

MADISON
Well, if he didn’t shoot at me, who did? He was running away!

LUBO
I hear shot from bushes and think maybe somebody shoot at me. So I run away.

MADISON
Then what happened to the shooter?

VIRGINIA
There’s a lot of bushes around the terrace, Madison. Whoever it was, he could’ve worked his way clear around to the other side of the hotel by now.

MADISON
Interesting that you’re assigning gender to the shooter.

VIRGINIA
What?

MADISON
The shooter could’ve been a woman. Virginia.

VIRGINIA
Sure, I suppose. But, one thing we know for certain, it looks like somebody doesn’t want you to take this trip.

MADISON
Quest. Well. The commissioner said there could be obstacles. I guess that’s part of the challenge. So, who wouldn’t want me to go to my own birthday party? I mean in this decade. Back in my day I can think of at least two girls from my cheer squad, a couple managers from Applebee’s, my lab partner from sophomore chemistry, Lucas, oh! That softball team– The food sample lady from my Trader Joe’s, Girl Scout troop 913, Taylor Swift, but that was more of a personal thing…

LUBO
We go now or wait for her to finish?

VIRGINIA
If I’m going to spend the day with her, I think I need another one of those fruity rum drinks.

SCENE FIVE

MADISON
We started out in a Jeep that had the shock absorbers of a skateboard on gravel, and then, O.M.G… I’m sorry, but no party is worth a four hour hike in a hot sticky Haitian jungle. I was at the point of wishing they’d just rented out the back room of a Shakey’s Pizza when Lubo waved.

LUBO
Village just ahead.

MADISON
Oh, thank God. I need a shower and a nap. How long I got till the pre-party party starts?

VIRGINIA
The what?

MADISON
Aren’t we pregaming? You got me up at dawn. I thought we’d be deep in Piña Coladas before sunset.

LUBO
Other people go to village, too. I see marks along trail. Somebody pass this way before us.

MADISON
Caterers?

LUBO
I… not sure.

MADISON
Are the guests already here? They gonna jump out like a surprise party?

LUBO
Here is village.

MADISON
Yay! I’m here! Surprise!! Wow. I don’t know any of these people.

VIRGINIA
Did you expect to?

MADISON
I guess it’s tough to get people to a destination wedding, a destination birthday party has gotta be a hard sell.

VIRGINIA
I suppose…

MADISON
My brother had a destination wedding. He said I could use it like a wedding and vacation. Because my dream vacation is paying too much for a hotel room and spending three straight days with my sister-in-law’s family.

VIRGINIA
Uh-huh.

MADISON
But it’s crazy I don’t know anybody here. This is the right village, right? Where you took the pictures of the dude in the flight jacket?

VIRGINIA
Oh, yeah.

MADISON
Oh! Duh. I still gotta find that Carlson guy. Lubo! Take this picture and see if anybody here knows where the flight jacket guy lives.

LUBO
Yes, will do.

VIRGINIA
All right, so what happens when you find the villager with the flight jacket?

MADISON
He’s gotta be the next clue to finding where the party is.

VIRGINIA
You keep mentioning a party. Are you certain that’s why you were sent here?

MADISON
Ha, ha. Nice try, but you’re not gonna throw me off the quest.

VIRGINIA
Right… the “quest”. Oh, wait a minute, Lubo is beckoning to us.

MADISON
You find him?

LUBO
People say he live with white plant man.

MADISON
White plant man? What do you suppose that means? Maybe we gotta look for a guy with a white flower in his lapel like in a spy movie?

VIRGINIA
Are you on a quest, or is this “Cloak and Dagger” now?

MADISON
Well, how do you think we’ll find the “white plant man”?

LUBO
In his house over there.

MADISON
Oh. Well, that was easy. C’mon, let’s go.

VIRGINIA
Oh, I’d love to write about all this, after you explain it to me.

TREMBLAY
Oui?

MADISON
Oh! Isn’t that cute? He’s French!

TREMBLAY
Eh… How may I serve you?

MADISON
We are here to speak to the “White Plant Man”.

TREMBLAY
Well, I am a botanist. If that is what you mean.

MADISON
But do you have a white plant or flower or something?

VIRGINIA
Madison, he is a white man who works with plants. I think that’s what the villagers meant.

MADISON
Oh.

TREMBLAY
My name is Tremblay.

MADISON
I don’t need your character’s backstory. Just tell us the next clue.

VIRGINIA
How do you do, I’m Virginia Collins, and this is Madison Standish.

TREMBLAY
Mademoiselles, please, to come in.

VIRGINIA
Thanks.

TREMBLAY
Visitors to my house are most infrequent, but always welcome.

MADISON
Look around his place for objects to help us in our quest. Ooo! What’s this?

VIRGINIA
Madison! Put that down. It’s the man’s lunch.

MADISON
Oh.

TREMBLAY
What, eh, brings you to this part of the world?

MADISON
The guy in the leather flight jacket in this picture. Now what information to do you have for me?

TREMBLAY
Why, it is a picture of Bala.

MADISON
“Bala”? Okay, we got a name. That mean anything to you?

VIRGINIA
Should it?

MADISON
Some quest guide you are.

TREMBLAY
Bala works for me.

VIRGINIA
I told you I’m not a guide, I’m a reporter.

MADISON
Shh! He’s giving us the clue.

TREMBLAY
As I said before, I am a botanist. Bala knows this country like the palm of his hand. I send him into the jungle for botanical specimens and he never fails me.

MADISON
Okay… so… is Bala here?

TREMBLAY
Oh, I am afraid, no. He is out in the plateau country.

MADISON
“Plateau country”? I bet that’s where the party is!

TREMBLAY
“Party”? This, I could not say. But the plateau country, it is wild country, Mademoiselle.

MADISON
Wild?! This is gonna be such an awesome party! We gotta get there.

VIRGINIA
Madison, I don’t think–

MADISON
How do we find this Bala guy?

TREMBLAY
This I do not know. Two men came here to the village and hired him as a guide.

MADISON
We gotta get Lubo and head out there!

TREMBLAY
Then I insist you take my map.

MADISON
See? I told you he’d give us something for the quest.

TREMBLAY
It will guide you through the darkest parts of the jungle.

VIRGINIA
“Darkest parts”? I’m starting to think twice about this, Madison.

MADISON
Clearly you’ve never been to a rave in L.A. The party is more exciting when you have to risk your life on the subway to get there.

SCENE SIX

VIRGINIA
Do you think, do you think we’re gaining on Bala and the boys who hired him, Madison?

MADISON
What if we’re not supposed to catch up to Bala?

VIRGINIA
What do you mean?

MADISON
Stop for a sec.

VIRGINIA
But Lubo will get too far ahead.

MADISON
Maybe not a bad thing. What if Lubo is supposed to be an obstacle on my quest.

VIRGINIA
An obstacle?

MADISON
Look at the map the French plant dude gave me.

VIRGINIA
Well, what about it?

MADISON
Girl, I might not be a topographer — word of the day calendar — but I can tell we’re paralleling the river when we’re supposed to be crossing it.

VIRGINIA
What? You mean Lubo is deliberately guiding us off course?

MADISON
It could mean they haven’t finished setting up the party and he was told to delay us. For my sister’s twelfth birthday, I was in charge of keeping her out of the house until they were done setting up the surprise party. I took her down to Venice, but kinda ditched her when this hunky guy from Muscle Beach started flirting with me. We found her two days later writing tourist’s names on grains of rice. My mom was upset, but that’s a really amazing skill to have.

VIRGINIA
We need to find out why we’re going the wrong way. Here he comes now. Ask him.

MADISON
Yeah, I got this.

LUBO
You no follow. Something is wrong?

MADISON
Hey, Lubo. So, like, I’m not telling you how to do your job or anything, but aren’t we totally going in the wrong direction for the plateau party?

LUBO
I guide you good.

MADISON
Yeah, no, I’m totes not criticizing, but like, we’re going up.

VIRGINIA
North.

MADISON
Instead of right.

VIRGINIA
East.

MADISON
I said I wasn’t a topographer.

LUBO
I go north on purpose because of river.

MADISON
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. But we’re supposed to cross the river. But we haven’t even reached the river.

LUBO
River big with rain. Too hard to cross at usual place. So we go north to narrow place. Then we cross.

VIRGINIA
Could be another excuse, Madison, to lead us farther off course.

MADISON
So, Lubo, how much farther is this narrow place?

LUBO
Not far. Maybe one hour.

MADISON
All right. You’ve got one hour to get us there.

VIRGINIA
And then what?

MADISON
How should I know? If I was actually playing World of Warcraft, by now I would’ve been killed by orcs, gotten frustrated and switched over to online shopping.

SCENE SEVEN

VIRGINIA
Madison, we’ve been going at least an hour now and there’s no sign of a river.

MADISON
It’s only just starting to get dark. I’m sure we’re almost there. Party doesn’t start till Madison arrives! Or after we find my sister living with that Asian couple.

VIRGINIA
Look at Lubo walking along ahead of us. He’s probably just waiting until it gets dark enough and then he’ll… he’ll…

MADISON
He coulda meant “approximately” an hour. In L.A., when you say you’re gonna be there in an hour, the window of arrival time is anywhere between one hour, and the next day when you text them to explain why you didn’t show up.

VIRGINIA
You were the one who said he might be deliberately leading us the wrong way!

MADISON
You were the one who hired him as our guide!

VIRGINIA
Well, I thought he could be trusted when he brought me to that village before to get those pictures. He seemed all right then. That’s why I hired him for this trip.

MADISON
Dude! Shut it! You hear that?

VIRGINIA
The river.

MADISON
Okay, our quest was just waylaid — word of the day calendar — but we’re back on track.

LUBO
We are at crossing. See?

VIRGINIA
Wait! What’s that?

LUBO
Vodou drums.

VIRGINIA
Vodou? Oh, great.

MADISON
Yaasss! We’re almost at the party!

VIRGINIA
You think those Vodou drums are for your party?

MADISON
Are you kidding? Listen to that club beat!

LUBO
You dance like you know this ceremony.

MADISON
This is what I majored in in college.

VIRGINIA
How much farther to the village, Lubo?

LUBO
By sound of drums, is not far.

VIRGINIA
Look, my feet are killing me. How about me just dunking them in the river for a few minutes, huh?

MADISON
Come on! We’re almost there. I’ll give you some “E” and you won’t even remember you have feet.

VIRGINIA
I’ll just be a minute.

LUBO
We save much time by coming this way.

MADISON
Yeah, good call. Say, was Virginia this bitchy the last time you brought her out here?

LUBO
What you mean?

MADISON
When she took the pictures in the village. Was she this whiny? I kinda think she’s gonna be a major downer at the party.

LUBO
I guide the woman who take the pictures to village, but did not know her name.

MADISON
You know, Virginia. The woman who is probably gonna come back here any minute with leaches on her feet?

LUBO
No, she was not the one.

MADISON
Huh?

LUBO
This woman with us. She is not the one who took the pictures.

MADISON
Wait, what? She didn’t… the, the pictures? You sure?

LUBO
Very sure. This woman come last night in the city and ask me to guide her and you up here. I never see her before in my life.

MADISON
Holy, whaaaat? See, never trust the hot girl avatars in a video game. They’re really just some old dude gettin’ off on manipulating you, and looking at his own CG boobs.

ANNOUNCER
We’ll be back in a moment with more “Dangerous Assignment”!

PROMO BREAK

SCENE EIGHT

MADISON
Okay, so, at this point, I don’t know who to listen to on my quest to reach my birthday party. Turns out, Lubo was a totes awesome guide. But what’s up with this “Virginia Collins”? If that’s who she really is. She’s clearly not the one who took the picture of the leather flight jacket guy. So, is she the one trying to circumvent — word of the day calendar — my quest? We cross the river and head to the village and the drums keep getting louder. I decide to try and trip up this “Virginia”. Which I’m kinda an expert at. When my parents would try and catch me in a lie, I learned from their techniques. By the time I was eleven, my lies were impenetrable.

LUBO
Village very close now.

VIRGINIA
Oh, good, I don’t have any desire to be wandering around this jungle in the dark.

MADISON
Before we get there, we should take a selfie!

VIRGINIA
A what?

MADISON
I thought you were a photographer. You don’t know what a selfie is?

VIRGINIA
Enlighten me.

MADISON
We take a picture together like this.

VIRGINIA
We have to be this close to each other?

MADISON
D’uh. Now you hold out your camera at arm’s length and snap a pic of us.

VIRGINIA
But it’s getting dark. I don’t know if we have enough light.

MADISON
Use night mode.

VIRGINIA
Let me get a flash bulb.

MADISON
What’s a flash bulb?

VIRGINIA
Oh, just one of those crazy things us photographers use.

MADISON
You actually carry around light bulbs with you? That is crazy.

VIRGINIA
Is this how you want me to hold the camera?

MADISON
Where’s the view screen? How do we know if we’re centered?

VIRGINIA
The camera’s getting heavy, can we just take the picture?

MADISON
Okay. Duck lips!

VIRGINIA
What are you doing with your face?

MADISON
Take the picture!

VIRGINIA
There, that make you happy?

MADISON
Let me see how the pic turned out.

VIRGINIA
Oh! Shall I develop the film right here in the middle of the jungle?

MADISON
Film?

VIRGINIA
Look, Lubo’s leaving us behind. We better catch up. Those drums give me the creeps.

MADISON
What music do you play at your parties? Mormon love ballads?

VIRGINIA
Look over there. I wonder who that woman is Lubo just talked to. She looks official.

MADISON
Party Planner?

LUBO
Everything all right. I have arranged with Mambo Tiva for us to stay overnight.

VIRGINIA
Mama who?

LUBO
Tiva. She is Mambo here.

VIRGINIA
Whatever that means.

MADISON
Mambo is the Vodou priestess.

VIRGINIA
Word of the day calendar?

MADISON
No, we covered it at the beginning of the episode.

VIRGINIA
I wasn’t in that scene.

MADISON
But you did take pictures in these villages before, right?

VIRGINIA
Do you have to be a student of Vodou to take pictures?

LUBO
Mambo Tiva say there are other guests in village.

MADISON
All right! Let’s get this party started!

VIRGINIA
Madison, isn’t that man over there the one you were talking to back at the hotel when I first met you?

MADISON
Oh, yeah, Ernie. He was the one who said this was an invitation only party.

VIRGINIA
Who is the other one with him?

MADISON
No clue. I don’t really know A-listers from the 1950s. Except maybe Marilyn Monroe? When does she die?

VIRGINIA
Marilyn Monroe dies?

MADISON
Apparently not in the 50s. You know, everyone always wants to go back in time to kill Hitler or save JFK. Nobody ever talks about going back and getting Marilyn inna drug program.

VIRGINIA
Do you think those are the men who hired the boy in the leather jacket?

MADISON
Oh, yeah! We still haven’t found Bala. He’s the key to finishing my quest.

LUBO
Mambo Tiva say hut over there is for you, Miss.

VIRGINIA
Okay. I’m beat. Might as well go and take a look at it. See you later, Madison.

MADISON
Lubo.

LUBO
Yes?

MADISON
Try and find Bala before that Virginia gets back. I wanna talk to him on the QT without her present and accounted for, ya know what I mean?

LUBO
Not really, but I will find Bala.

DALRYMPLE
Madison? Miss Standish, is that you?

MADISON
Oh, hey, Ernie.

DALRYMPLE
Professor Dalrymple.

MADISON
This the Vodou fiesta you were talkin’ about?

DALRYMPLE
Indeed. I see you garnered yourself an invitation.

MADISON
To my own party?

DALRYMPLE
Oh, allow me to introduce you to my guide, Beshek.

BESHEK
I am honored, Mademoiselle Standish.

MADISON
You the DJ? Look, I love the percussion section here, but you are gonna play some party tunes, later, right?

BESHEK
What?

DALRYMPLE
You certainly have come to the right place tonight, Madison! The ceremony in honor of Damballah is to start any moment.

MADISON
Damballah? He the patron saint of birthdays or something?

DALRYMPLE
Damallah is one of the most important Lwa. Eh… spirits who speak to the gods.

MADISON
It’s a crazy theme for a birthday party but I’m down. Where’s the bar?

BESHEK
I would be careful, Mademoiselle Standish. Vodou ceremonies can have an undesirable effect on spectators.

MADISON
That’s what they say about mixing alcohol with antihistamines, but I won’t let my allergies stop me from drinkin’.

BESHEK
I’m going to get something to eat, Monsieur Dalrymple. I will meet you later.

DALRYMPLE
Yes, very well, Beshek. A very strange fellow, to be sure. He’s the one disappointment on an otherwise rewarding trip.

MADISON
The most disappointing trip I ever had was going on this private tour of a tropical island, and then, like, a hurricane hit and all the staff had left on the last boat and we were stuck there with dinosaurs eating people.

DALRYMPLE
That sounds terrible!

MADISON
Made for a great movie, though.

DALRYMPLE
Well, my story is a bit less… spectacular. You see, back in Port-au-Prince, I tried to hire the guide I’ve had for these trips in the past, but he was unavailable, and this here chap, Beshek, introduced himself to me and prevailed on me to hire him as my guide.

MADISON
Yeah, that really is a lot less spectacular.

DALRYMPLE
But soon after we started, I realized he knew very little about this country. Then, when we reached the village where the French botanist lives–

MADISON
White plant man.

DALRYMPLE
Eh… yes. Well, Beshek was quick to hire this Bala fellow as another guide. He seized upon Bala as soon as he saw him. It was almost as if he recognized him.

MADISON
Ohhh… so he might be an obstacle for me reaching Bala?

DALRYMPLE
I’m just observing his behavior. As a student of folklore, my skills of observation are exceptionally honed.

MADISON
You really think that folklore stuff is more impressive than it actually is.

LUBO
Miss Madison?

MADISON
That’s Lubo, gotta go. Oh, are we doin’ finger foods or is it a sit down dinner?

DALRYMPLE
Pardon?

LUBO
Miss Madison!

MADISON
I’ll find you later. What is it, Lubo?

LUBO
Bala at Vodou ceremony.

MADISON
Like, he’s part of the entertainment?

LUBO
He join ritual, yes.

MADISON
Do you know where Virginia is?

LUBO
I see her talking to Professor-man’s guide.

MADISON
Beshek? Ohhh… she is a bad guy. She’s lied about taking the pictures, she’s clearly been trying to slow me down and now she’s chatting up a bad guy? This is why I find it so hard to trust people. That, and when I found out Muppets weren’t real. Jim Henson built an industry of lies.

SCENE NINE

MADISON
So, Lubo and I head over to the dance floor. We reach the clearing, and O.M.G. it is ah-mazing! The villagers are sitting in a circle and in the middle of them, Mambo Tiva is spinning around and around. She’s like, all in white with this gorgeous head scarf and doing these incredible dance moves. I can’t even do it justice. Other people from the side of the circle jump up and start dancing and then Lubo grabs my attention and points.

LUBO
There. There is Bala.

MADISON
Bala is dancing with the others and totally into it. I can’t stand being on the outside any longer, so I leap up and join in! I dance my way over to Bala, getting spun around and around by some of the ladies who hand me beads, and finally I reach him. You Bala?

BALA
We find quiet place to talk.

MADISON
Why? I’ve held entire conversations with people in clubs twice as loud as this!

BALA
For privacy.

MADISON
For privacy I usually use a bathroom stall.

BALA
There are angry eyes upon us.

MADISON
Yeah, that’s usually the guy’s girlfriend. That’s why I take him into the bathroom.

BALA
I mean him. There.

MADISON
Bala points to Beshek watching us from the sidelines. He looks totally PO’ed. Completely jealous of my boogie. So I follow Bala away from the party to a quieter area behind a hut.

BALA
All of a sudden everybody want to talk to me. But I think maybe you pay more money than Beshek?

MADISON
Money? Was I supposed to be collecting gold coins or something to buy information from you for my quest?

BALA
If you have no money, I have no help for you.

MADISON
C’mon! It’s my birthday quest! This party is totally fabulous, even though I’m still woefully sober, but I’m supposed to ask you about the leather jacket you’re wearing.

BALA
What about it?

MADISON
Um… like… where’d you get it? Maybe that’s where I’m supposed to go next.

BALA
I get it in small village three hours from here. White man there with broken legs. Villagers care for him.

MADISON
That’s the pilot! The “F. Carlson” dude! He’s the one I’m supposed to find to finish my quest! Can you take me to that village?

BALA
For money.

MADISON
Wow, you’re really one note. But I respect your wanting to get paid for your work. Maybe we can negotiate a price. I can offer you these faux-leather leggings to go with that leather jacket.

BALA
Mmmm… they not flatter my hind quarters.

MADISON
Dude, with all the hiking you do around here, those are buns of steal. Trust me, you’ve got a butt that just can’t quit, no matter how many times it gives its two week notice.

SCENE TEN

MADISON
Dude, Bala, I’m really second guessing this choice to go hiking in the jungle at night. We shoulda just gotten toasted at the party and done this in the morning…afternoon.

BALA
We come two hours. Not more than one hour more to–

MADISON
What? W-w-what? Are we being hunted by an animal or something?

BALA
Animal, no. But we are being followed.

MADISON
By who?

BALA
I fix.

MADISON
How? How fix?

BALA
You follow river. It lead you straight to village with pilot. I will go other direction.

MADISON
I’m really not equipped to do a quest on my own!

BALA
Go. Go quickly. Without a sound.

MADISON
“Go quickly without a sound?!” With zero visibility in a freakin’ jungle?! Not exactly a recipe for stealthy! I try to stick close to the river to cover up my footsteps, except I’m tripping on rocks and branches every two seconds causing me to mutter swear words to myself. When all of a sudden I hear a scream. So much for being quiet, Bala. I figure I better see if he’s being eaten by some giant jungle snake or something. I come around a tree and stop dead in my tracks. Or, to be more accurate, Bala is dead in his tracks. Yeah. His throat is cut. I mean, at least nothing was eating him. Yet, anyway. But… eh. Not wanting to get my throat cut, especially since it was after midnight, so definitely not wanting to die on my birthday, I go back to the river and book it as fast as I can, being as noisy as I damn well please!

SCENE ELEVEN

VILLAGER
He in here.

CARLSON
Hi.

MADISON
Um… “Hi.” You that “F. Carlson” guy?

CARLSON
Yup. What’s left of me.

MADISON
Oh.

CARLSON
You sound disappointed.

MADISON
I guess since you’re the pinnacle of my quest I was, I dunno, expecting more of a wizard to bestow life changing wisdom upon me. Ya know? For this momentous day. Not… “Hi.”

CARLSON
“Momentous” day?

MADISON
My birthday?

CARLSON
Oh. Here I thought maybe you were coming to rescue me.

MADISON
Rescue you?

CARLSON
Well, yeah. Haven’t you been sent by the government in response to the plane crash?

MADISON
Maybe I got the wrong hut.

CARLSON
To retrieve the file containing the scientists’ valuable data about a new, underwater explosive?

MADISON
Wait, all that submarine garbage is for real?

DALRYMPLE
Indeed it is. And if you don’t want that file, I’ll take it.

MADISON
Ernie?

DALRYMPLE
Professor Dalrymple.

MADISON
What are you doing here?

CARLSON
Presumably stealing the top secret file?

DALRYMPLE
Precisely. With the help of this pistol I have pointed at both of you.

MADISON
I thought you were some boring folklore prof.

DALRYMPLE
It’s amazing the things one can learn out of a book.

MADISON
So you’re the big obstacle to my quest? And you tried to make me think it was that guide of yours. Sneaky.

DALRYMPLE
I appreciate your leading me here. It wasn’t very fair of you to take Bala from my services. But, of course, now Bala won’t be serving anyone.

MADISON
You killed him?

DALRYMPLE
Of course. And hopefully this gun conveys my “will-stop-at-nothing” attitude.

CARLSON
You sabotaged my plane, didn’t you?

DALRYMPLE
Right again! So stop stalling and hand over that file.

MADISON
Right then I see Virginia outside the hut with her camera. This totally gives me inspiration. As Carlson is getting the file out of his bag and distracting Ernie, I quickly pull my phone out of my pocket and hit him with the bright flashlight!

DALRYMPLE
Ah! What is that?!

MADISON
Blinded by the light! Revved up like a douche ‘nozzle in the night!

DALRYMPLE
Get that out of my eyes!

MADISON
Thank you for the assist, Lubo.

LUBO
Happy birthday, Madison.

VIRGINIA
Madison, are you okay?

MADISON
Yeah. And thanks for the idea.

VIRGINIA
What idea?

MADISON
When I saw your camera, it made me think of your light bulbs.

VIRGINIA
Flash bulbs.

MADISON
Don’t be so high and mighty about your technology. You people still use bar soap.

VIRGINIA
What?

MADISON
So your “flash” bulbs made me think of the flash on my phone’s camera.

VIRGINIA
“Phone’s” camera?

MADISON
Yeah, “Calgon, take me away,” my phone is a camera and a flashlight.

VIRGINIA
Well, I’m thoroughly impressed.

MADISON
So, what are you doing here? You want the file, too?

VIRGINIA
Me?! No! I’m a reporter. I had Lubo bring me when I discovered you’d left. I wanted to be there for the end of your quest. For my story.

MADISON
But you’re not the real Virginia Collins.

VIRGINIA
Of course I am!

MADISON
According to Lubo, you’re not the one who took the pictures for the magazine. Right, Lubo?

LUBO
This is true.

VIRGINIA
Oh, that… just between us girls, I was in Cuba when I got the assignment to Haiti. And, well, there was a guy in Cuba.

MADISON
Oh… gurl! Say no more.

VIRGINIA
I ended up missing the boat, so I wired ahead to my assistant, who was already in Haiti, to take the pictures for me. But, please don’t tell anyone about that.

MADISON
Lips hermetically sealed. Gettin’ busy with a Cuban plantain. Oh, girl, I knew I liked you!

VIRGINIA
Well, now, how about giving me the whole story? I still can’t make heads or tails out of all this.

MADISON
First things first. It is now officially my birthday. I’ve solved my quest. Although the ending with Ernie was a bit “raining on prom night” but, I say we cut our losses and head back to the Vodou party.

VIRGINIA
What about the pilot?

MADISON
He can come, too.

CARLSON
I have two broken legs from the plane crash?

MADISON
Wow. My birthday but, all about you. Fine, Lubo can carry him back. C’mon, before they run outta booze and I have to lick poison dart frogs again.

VIRGINIA
You’ve… done that before?

MADISON
God. You sound just like that docent at the zoo. Happy Birthday to me!!!

EPILOGUE

MADISON
“Dangerous Assignment” was first aired on NBC in 1949 as a summer replacement, brought to the network by the lead actor himself, Brian Donlevy. The show returned as a full series in the fall and ran through 1953. Determined to bring the series to television, but with no network willing to finance it, Donlevy formed his own production company and, with his own money, produced 39 episodes. The radio series would see a rebirth in Australia, running 1954-1956 reusing the original series’ scripts but without Donlevy, recasting with an entirely Australian cast.