MADISON ON THE AIR; “GUNSMOKE; THE MORTGAGE”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE, OCT 2020
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
Around Dodge City and in the territory on West — there’s just one way to handle the killers and the spoilers —
MADISON
What?! No spoilers!
ANNOUNCER
And that’s with a U.S. Marshal and the smell of — “Gunsmoke”!
MADISON
How do you “handle” anyone with the smell of gunsmoke? Does he have really sensitive olfactory organs?
ANNOUNCER
“Gunsmoke,” the story of the violence that moved west with young America. And the story of a man who moved with it —
MATT
I’m that man, Matt Dillon, United States Marshal.
SCENE TWO
MATT
Ahhh, you know, Madison, a morning like this makes a man glad to be alive.
MADISON
This entire town smells like manure.
MATT
A little nippy maybe, but jest fine. Indian Summer’s hangin’ on.
MADISON
Oh, geez. This is a 1950’s Western. P.C. is not gonna be on the menu, is it?
MATT
You know, Madison, this time o’ year, I wouldn’t trade western Kansas for everything east of the Mississippi.
MADISON
Wait, this is Kansas? Why the hell did Dorothy want to get back here so bad?
MATT
Ah, good, Pedro’s got a fire going.
MADISON
“Pedro?” Oh, god, please don’t tell me you’ve got some Latino houseboy who sounds like Speedy Gonzalez.
CALEB
I made the fire.
MATT
Oh, good mornin’, Caleb.
CALEB
I’ve been waiting for you to come in.
MATT
You know Caleb Andrews, don’t you, Madison?
MADISON
I dunno. You on Insta?
CALEB
Marshal, I have an order here from the U.S. District Court. I believe it’s your job to serve such orders.
MATT
Yeah, it is. I don’t get ’em often, though. Um– “Order of Foreclosure and Eviction on… Ed Blake.” Why you doin’ this to Ed, Caleb?
CALEB
The man borrowed money from me. Gave me a mortgage on his farm and household effects. He can’t pay it.
MADISON
Ooo… harsh.
MATT
It only came due three days ago. You sure didn’t waste any time.
MADISON
Three days? My student loans haven’t been paid in like, six years.
CALEB
I’m not interested in either of your opinions.
MADISON
Are you interested in personal hygiene? Can I interest you in a toothbrush or perhaps some underarm deodorant?
CALEB
I don’t need no lip from–
MADISON
Were you about to say “woman?” Because I’m wearing a gun and I have no idea how to use it.
MATT
Calm down, Madison. All right, Caleb, says here– “Amount of the mortgage… four hundred and twenty dollars.” What do you need with four hundred and twenty dollars? You own half of Ford County now.
MADISON
W-w-wait, time out. His entire mortgage is four hundred and twenty dollars?! My monthly rent is three times that. Oh… but this
is Kansas. Hmmm, yeah, that makes sense.
CALEB
Marshal, it’s not your place–
MATT
You know as well as I do why Ed Blake can’t pay this off. His horse rolled on him last spring and broke his leg.
MADISON
Oh, god! Horses can roll? You’re not getting me on horse. No way. Western or not. I don’t care.
MATT
Then his wife and kid nearly broke their backs tryin’ to get a crop out.
MADISON
I will never understand why anybody wants to be a farmer.
CALEB
I didn’t come here to listen to you.
MATT
If you let this ride on through the winter, you’ll get your money out of it. But if you go ahead and foreclose now, you’ll wipe him out.
CALEB
Marshal, I already have foreclosed.
MADISON
Awww… dick move.
MATT
You’d break a man for four hundred and twenty dollars you don’t even need, huh?
MADISON
I think I’m witnessing the birth of corporate banks.
CALEB
As I said, your opinions don’t interest me. All I expect from you is to serve these papers.
MATT
All right, I’ll serve ’em.
MADISON
Is that really our job here? I was expecting more… shootouts with bank robbers and less… paperwork.
CALEB
You’ll notice they’re to be served today.
MATT
I said I’d serve ’em. Now get out. This office belongs to the United States Government and, as far as I know, that’s one thing you got no mortgage on!
MADISON
I’m pretty sure in my day, rich guys do own the U.S. Government…
CALEB
You may find I have some influence in Washington, Marshal Dillon.
MATT
Then see if you can get me a decent salary for this rotten job of mine!
MADISON
Eeee. Somebody’s cranky now.
MATT
All right, Madison, let’s saddle up.
MADISON
Saddle up? As in… getting on a horse?
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Can’t you… slow down?
MATT
You were the one who didn’t want to ride a horse.
MADISON
Well, I assumed you wouldn’t, either, and we’d both walk!
MATT
Why should I get sore feet if I don’t have to?
MADISON
Oh… god. These Prada heels were not meant for the outback.
MATT
Outback?
MADISON
Desert-y prairie whatever. Somebody needs to invent asphalt and plow over all of these– OW!! Cactuses.
MATT
Cacti.
MADISON
You want to give me a vocabulary lesson? Because I have some choice words I could use right about now–
JIMMY
Hey, Marshal!
MATT
Hiya, Jimmy! Whoa, boy.
MADISON
Ew-wah! Your horse snorted snot on me!
JIMMY
Lookee here what I got, Marshal.
MATT
Well, looks to me like a mighty dead coyote.
MADISON
Oh! That’s disgusting!!
JIMMY
He’s been killin’ my chickens, so last night I hid out behind the barn.
MATT
Yeah?
JIMMY
I got him with one shot, Mr. Dillon!
MADISON
Oh, goodie, a little serial killer in the making.
GERTIE
Matt Dillon, how are ya?!
MATT
Oh, uh, good mornin’, Gertie.
GERTIE
And, who’s this?
MADISON
Madison. Standish. Howdy, or… whatever.
GERTIE
You don’t look so good, honey.
MADISON
Excuse me while I… I’m just gonna sit here on this rock, okay?
GERTIE
Well, it’s good to have some visitors. Why don’t you two come on in.
MATT
Well, thank ya, but–
GERTIE
Jimmy, now that you showed the Marshal your… thing, take it away somewhere.
JIMMY
It sure is a big one, ain’t it, Mr. Dillon?
MATT
Yeah, about the biggest I ever saw, Jimmy.
MADISON
I hope you’re still talking about the dead coyote.
GERTIE
Come on, let’s go inside.
MATT
Well, uh, we… really can’t stay, Gertie.
GERTIE
Oh, nonsense. You don’t get out here but once in a coon’s age.
MADISON
She means raccoon! Oh, god, are we gonna get emails on this episode.
GERTIE
Ed’s not here, so I welcome the company.
MATT
Well, we just can’t, that’s all. The thing is that, uh… uh… You say Ed’s away?
GERTIE
Yes, he… he’s in town. Matt, you’re not yourself. What is it?
MATT
Well, I… I suppose I oughta talk to Ed about this, but… maybe it’ll be better if he hears it from you.
GERTIE
Hears what?
MATT
Well…
MADISON
Just pull the bandaid off, Matt!
MATT
So… here’s the thing, Miz Blake… Uh, Gertie–
MADISON
Some tough Old West lawman you are. You can’t even tell her that Caleb Andrews is foreclosing and evicting them.
GERTIE
Oh, no. We were so sure he’d extend it. He knows what happened and why we couldn’t pay it. We were sure he’d extend it.
MADISON
Yeah, well… he’s a dick.
GERTIE
Matt, uh…? How long do we have to get out?
MATT
Five days.
GERTIE
So soon? You were right, Matt, it’s better that Ed hears it from me. Comin’ on top o’ everything else, it’ll… Well, I can’t let it break him.
MATT
Gertie, if there’s anything I can do, you… you let me know, huh? I’m sorry.
GERTIE
Thank you, Matt.
MATT
Come on, Madison. Let’s head back.
MADISON
Ahhhh… no more walking. My kingdom for a Honda Civic.
SCENE FOUR
KITTY
Matt, you’ve looked low all week.
MATT
Oh, it’s just things in general, Kitty. Sometimes you get to wonderin’ if it’s all worth it or not.
KITTY
The Blakes, huh? Madison was tellin’ me. She also was tellin’ me about somethin’ called “Netflix and Chill.” Said you and I should try it.
MATT
Ah, Madison talks too much.
KITTY
It’s not your fault, Matt. Somebody had to serve the order.
MATT
Somebody has to be hangman, too.
MADISON
Hey, guys!
KITTY
Hey, Madison.
MATT
Hey.
KITTY
Life’s never all good, Matt. There’s always a little bad in it. Try makin’ a livin’ sometime as a “Dance Hall Girl.”
MADISON
“Dance Hall Girl?” Oh! Is that ‘cuz in the 50s on radio you couldn’t say “whore?”
KITTY
Excuse me?!
MADISON
Like how on “I Love Lucy” they couldn’t say “pregnant.”
KITTY
Are you callin’ me a pregnant whore?!
MADISON
Wow, that conversation went south fast.
CALEB
There you are, Marshal. Stopped by the jail.
KITTY
You better apologize, less you want me to show you what a Dance Hall Girl can do to that pretty little face of yours!
MADISON
I hope you’re not gonna give me makeup tips because I can tell by your old cracked skin that you never moisturize.
CALEB
That Blake family, Marshal. They were supposed to vacate today.
MATT
Not now, Caleb.
KITTY
Moisturize?! I’ll show you moisturize!
MADISON
Saloon fight! Now this is a Western!
CALEB
Well, they haven’t done it!
MATT
Who hasn’t done what?
CALEB
The Blakes! They haven’t made the slightest preparation to–
MADISON
Is that all you got?! I went to three summers of cheerleader camp! You gotta do better than that!
KITTY
Gahhh!!!!
CALEB
Marshal, I believe I’d prefer to discuss our business elsewhere, than in the presence of this, uh… This–
MATT
Cat fight? This is the most fun I’ve had all week.
CALEB
Watching two pathetic pieces of used up baggage–
MADISON/KITTY
What did you call me?!
MATT
Caleb, you’re gonna apologize to Miss Kitty and Madison right now.
CALEB
Apologize? If you think I’m going to apologize to this cheap harlot and your saloon girl–
MADISON
Wait, I’m the harlot?!
KITTY
You do wear a lot of makeup.
MATT
That’s it, Caleb, I’ve had enough.
KITTY
Matt, you shouldn’t ‘a’ done that.
MATT
Why not, Kitty? He had it comin’ to him.
MADISON
You knocked him unconscious! That is so badass! Up high! You don’t know what that means.
KITTY
He’ll do everything he can to hurt you now. He’ll take it out on the Blakes, too.
MATT
Yeah, maybe. Look, Kitty, I… I just got an idea. Uh, I’ll see ya later.
KITTY
All right, Matt.
MATT
Come on, Madison.
MADISON
Good fight, Kitty. And you did it in a corset. I’m thoroughly impressed. Later!
SCENE FIVE
CLEM
But, Matt, the mere fact a man runs a bank doesn’t always mean he’s got a free hand in everything he does. A bank has stockholders, a board of directors. And I’ve gotta listen to ’em.
MATT
I think they’d approve the loan, Clem.
CLEM
Another thing, Caleb Andrews is the biggest account I’ve got. Why, if I crossed him by taking this loan you suggest… Matt, he’d break me.
MATT
All right, Clem. Forget it.
MADISON
It is so cute that you thought a bank would help people.
CLEM
Matt, I… I realize I’m under obligation to ya. You saved my life that time that the James brothers held me up. Saved the bank, too, in fact–
MADISON
A bank robbery with the James brothers? Like Jessie James?! Why aren’t we doing that story? Instead of this Old West version of the 2008 mortgage crisis?
MATT
If you want shootouts with bad guys, why don’t you go on over to “The Lone Ranger?”
MADISON
With Tonto his… “Indian” companion? Ugh. That show’s a Woke Culture nightmare.
CLEM
I know I owe ya, Matt–
MATT
That was part of my job, Clem. There’s no obligation. I was just askin’ ya as a friend to help out another friend.
CLEM
It’s not that I don’t want to–
MATT
I understand, Clem, I, I really do.
MADISON
Hey, Clem, if you totally want to make it up to Matt, what can you do about my student loans–
MATT
Madison–
MADISON
We’ll talk later.
SCENE SIX
MATT
And then you use the match to light the wood.
MADISON
I’m not gonna lie. I cried for a week when we went from an electric to gas stove. But this… this is caveman stuff.
MATT
It’s a rough existence out here on the frontier.
MADISON
You’re telling me. Your bathrooms are a hole in the ground with a garden shed over it. Still better than the port-a-potties at Coachella.
MATT
Welp, the fire oughta hold awhile. Pretty cold out there.
MADISON
A wood burning stove in a wooden building with wooden floors and no fire extinguishers. OSHA is gonna be all over you.
MATT
I guess we better have Pedro lay in some more wood.
MADISON
Please, not Pedro. We’ve gotten this far without any horrific stereotypes.
MATT
Come in.
ED
Can we bother you, Matt?
MATT
Ed! Well, come in, uh, come in. Gertie! Well, hiya, Jimmy! Uh, well, uh, come on up to the uh, stove, folks. Come on.
ED
Kinda like to impose on you for tonight. We haven’t got any place to go. No money. Wondered if we could sleep in the jail tonight.
MATT
Aw, sure, Ed! Uh, Madison, will you get a fire goin’ back there?
MADISON
Probably not successfully, no.
GERTIE
Jimmy, you go along and help Miss Madison, now. Go on.
JIMMY
All right, ma.
MADISON
Aw, man. I’m not good with kids. Uh… don’t cry. Uh… Hey, Jimmy, kill any helpless animals lately?
GERTIE
He, um… He doesn’t understand all this, Matt. He… He–
MATT
Uh, Gertie, we may as well get your stuff out of the wagon.
ED
Well, there ain’t any wagon, Matt. We walked into town.
MATT
Six miles? With that leg?
ED
I know, but that wagon, the horses, all the household goods, they’re all covered by that mortgage. We didn’t take anything. Except
the clothes on our backs.
MATT
Aw, so help me, Ed, if I could–
GERTIE
Ed and I can accept it. We’re not bitter any longer. Jimmy can’t understand. He’s… he’s been carryin’ on pretty bad, but he’s just a boy. And, in time, he’ll be able to–
MADISON
Okay, good news or bad news first?
MATT What?
MADISON
Good news… I got the fire started. Yay, me.
MATT
What’s the bad news?
MADISON
Eh… bad news?… Jimmy may have grabbed a rifle from the rack and ran out the back door.
MATT
What?!
GERTIE
But where on earth’s
MATT
I think I know where we he’s goin’. And Heaven help Caleb Andrews if we don’t catch him!
MADISON
This is why it’s so important to have gun safety around children.
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
Geez. You guys sure do have a coyote problem out here, don’t you?
MATT
That’s Caleb’s house on the corner. Looks dark. He may not be home. At least I hope he isn’t.
MADISON
I was really expecting more shootouts with outlaws, not some ten year-old kid.
MATT
We’re not having a shootout with a ten year-old kid.
MADISON
Good, because this is seriously bordering on police deadly force territory.
MATT
Shh!
MADISON
I streamed all of the protests. I’m too woke to be part of this.
MATT
Quiet! There’s somebody back o’ that tree, up there on the left.
MADISON
Is it him?
MATT
Yeah, it’s him, all right. I can see the moonlight on the rifle barrel. Jimmy? It’s me, Matt Dillon.
JIMMY
Go away, Mr. Dillon! Better go away and don’t bother me!
MATT
I can’t do that, Jimmy. You’re a friend of mine, and I figure you’re waitin’ here to do somethin’ that you’d be sorry for, and I can’t let you do that.
JIMMY
Nothin’ you can do about it, Mr. Dillon. I got a gun here, and I’m gonna kill him. You go away now and leave me alone!
MATT
Keep talkin’ to him.
MADISON
And say what?! “Hey, little psychopath, please don’t kill anybody?”
MATT
Just keep him talkin’
MADISON
Fine! Jimmy, it’s Madison!
JIMMY
Miss Madison?
MADISON
Yeah! Heeeey! Um… I know how you feel. Uh… Caleb is a total douche-nozzle.
JIMMY
He took our farm!
MADISON
Yeah, and that sucks, but you can’t just… kill anybody you want to. Even if he totally deserves it. Trust me, after my last boyfriend drained my bank account, I looked into it.
JIMMY
I kept wakin’ up nights and hearin’ mom cryin’. Dad sits up all night without the lamp lit, not say anythin’, just sittin’!
MADISON
I’ve been there. When my boyfriend dumped me, I tried to drown my sorrows in pumpkin spice lattes. All it did was get me totally wired on caffeine and sugar. So I tracked down his car at his new girlfriend’s apartment, slit the tires and scratched “Kevin’s a whore” on the hood. And as I watched the tow truck I called haul it away, I realized… that… um…
JIMMY
What did you realize?
MADISON
I realized revenge feels good. So probably not the most appropriate story to share right now.
MATT
Easy now, Jimmy.
JIMMY
Why did he do this to us, Mr. Dillon?!
MATT
I don’t know, Jimmy. But I think it’s best we take that rifle back to the jail, and put it in the rack and go to bed. Don’t you?
JIMMY
Yeah, Mr. Dillon. I’m sorry. And Miss Madison?
MADISON Yeah, Jimmy?
JIMMY
That Kevin is a whore.
MADISON
Aww… from the mouths of babes.
SCENE EIGHT
KITTY
I coulda told ya Clem at the bank wouldn’t do anythin’, Matt. He wouldn’t dare. He’s scared o’ Caleb.
MATT
Yeah, that’s about what he said. I don’t know, Kitty. I’ve done everything I could possibly think of.
MADISON
Hey, guys!
KITTY
Not you, again.
MADISON
I apologized for the pregnant whore thing.
KITTY
No, you didn’t.
MADISON
Didn’t you get my text? Oh, well, sorry!
MATT
The worst of it is, everybody in town’s just as scared o’ Caleb as Clem is. I doubt if they’ll even have the nerve to bid against him at the sale.
MADISON
Uck. Are we still talking about the mortgage thing? No bank robbers or train robbers or… what about a stagecoach? Can’t we stop a stagecoach robbery or something?
MATT
Caleb’ll prob’ly get the place at not much more than the amount of the mortgage.
KITTY
Four hundred and twenty dollars. Matt, I’ve seen more than that change hands across a poker table in one deal.
MADISON
I’ve spent more than that on a pair of shoes. Well, when my dad thought his credit card had, ya know, “gone missing.”
JACK
I beg your pardon, Miss Kitty.
KITTY
Oh, hey, there, Jack.
JACK
I’m not usually one to eavesdrop on people, but I been listening to you folks.
KITTY
Jack, have ya met Marshal Dillon?
JACK
No, I haven’t had the pleasure.
MADISON
O.M.G., Kitty! You’ve gone to funky town with both of them, haven’t you?
KITTY
It’s hard for a single woman to make her way in the wild frontier.
MADISON
Hey, girl, I’m not judgin’. Live your best whore life.
JACK
The reason I butted in, Miss Kitty, is I heard you talkin’ about those people losin’ their home. I don’t know this fellow Blake. He’s never done any business over at my table.
KITTY
No, I don’t think he’s ever been in here.
MADISON
So, safe to say you haven’t slept with him?
JACK
I don’t know if this’ll make sense. But, the thing is, I left
home when I was ten years old and I’ve been driftin’ ever since. When I see someone like this Blake, that sticks it out and works
and fights, and then gets a raw deal… Well, what I’m gettin’ at– Here’s fifty dollars if that’ll help him any.
MADISON
Is that how much he paid you?
KITTY
No!
MADISON
More?
KITTY
NO!
MADISON
Less? Girl, value yourself.
MATT
Well, this is awful decent of you, Jack.
KITTY
Matt, you said yourself that nearly everyone in town is afraid o’ Caleb.
MATT
Yeah?
KITTY
Well, there’s some who aren’t. Like Jack here, and me, and the rest of the dealers and the gamblers and the bartenders.
MADISON
So, basically, all of your clients.
KITTY
Because we’re drifters. We got nothin’ to lose. Matt, I’ll raise four hundred and twenty dollars right here in the Texas Trail.
MADISON
I’ll take you for a spin for fifty.
KITTY
By collecting donations.
MATT
Ya know, Kitty, I think ya could.
KITTY
Well, I can’t do as well as Jack, but… Here’s twenty from me. Boys! Everybody! Now, listen to me for a minute! I got somethin’ to say!
MADISON
Awww… Hollywood loves the whore with a heart of gold.
SCENE NINE
MADISON
He’s sure taking forever getting here.
MATT
You tired?
MADISON
The only thing you have to do around here is play checkers. Since I’m not eight, yeah, I’m tired and bored and wanna go to bed.
MATT
We left him a message. That ought to bring him on the run if anything will. Any time Caleb figures he’s about to lose a dollar or two, it’s hittin’ him where it hurts.
MADISON
I liked it better when you actually did hit him where it hurts.
CALEB
Marshal, what’s this all about?
MATT
Shut the door, Caleb. We’re tryin’ to keep it warm in here.
CALEB
Would you mind telling me why I’ve been called over here at this time of night?
MATT
Yeah, sure. Here’s four hundred and twenty dollars. The Blakes want to pay off the mortgage.
CALEB
They do, do they?
MATT
The court costs up to now prob’ly run about ten dollars. Madison and I will pay that ourselves.
MADISON
Can you cover it now and I pay you back through Venmo?
CALEB
That’s mighty generous of you.
MATT
Is it a deal, then?
CALEB
I am not the least bit interested in having that mortgage paid
off, Marshal Dillon. The Blake farm is worth about two thousand dollars now, and in five years it’ll be worth three times that much. Land’s going up in Ford County. That’s why I’m grabbing every piece I can get. So I don’t want the money. I want the farm. And when it’s put up for sale, I’ll get it, at my own price. The foreclosure still goes.
MATT
I see.
MADISON
Douche-nozzle!
CALEB
Good night, Marshal. Madison.
MADISON
That went about as well as the time I tried to get Kyle Thompson’s attention in gym class by twerking and just as he looked, someone smacked my butt with a volleyball.
MATT
I don’t know why I even thought he’d take the money.
MADISON
The ball bounced up in the air and hit the basketball hoop.
MATT
The Blakes won’t get a cent out of the sale.
MADISON
My ass scored two points.
MATT
He’ll scare everybody off and bid it in a few dollars over the amount of the mortgage and nobody in town will even try to bid against– Wait a minute. I got an idea.
MADISON
Great! This is the part when we get a posse together and deputize everyone with rifles and pitchforks and torches and stuff and go confront the bastard, taking him dead or alive, right?
MATT
I’m goin’ over and wake up Clem Rogers.
MADISON
Clem? The bank dude? No offense, but he looks pretty soft. I’m thinking you need to round up some of those saloon guys.
MATT
If my idea works, we’ll hold a sale at noon tomorrow.
MADISON
A sale? What, like a bake sale so we can save the farm with brownies? I could go for some brownies.
MATT
We’re gonna hold an auction.
MADISON
Ooo! Like a bachelor auction but with hunky cowboys? Count me in!
SCENE TEN
MADISON
All right, everybody! Let me have your attention! I need all of the sexy cowboys to come up front–
MATT
Uh… What Madison means is, this is a foreclosure sale of the property and household effects of Edward and Gertrude Blake.
MADISON
But I’m still requesting all of the sexy cowboys come up front.
MATT
This auction, ordered by the court, at the request of that fine- spirited, goodhearted, public benefactor and friend and neighbor of us all — Caleb Andrews!
MADISON
Subtle, Matt. Real subtle.
CALEB
Marshal Dillon, I refuse to tolerate that.
MATT
Caleb, I think we better get one thing straight right now. The law tells me I gotta conduct this sale, but the law doesn’t tell me what I gotta say while I’m conducting it.
MADISON
Ooo! Snap!
CALEB
Get on with it.
MATT
All right. Now, the first item I’m offerin’ is a breadboard. Miz Blake tells me she’s used this for nearly ten years. I doubt if it’d be worth much to anybody. Suppose we start it at… fifty cents. Is there anybody here who bids fifty cents for Mrs. Blake’s breadboard?
MADISON
Sexy cowboys would definitely go for more than fifty cents.
MATT
How ’bout you, Caleb?
CALEB
I’m not interested in the item. Get on with the sale.
MATT
Anybody else? No? All right, then. The second item is a crib. Now you’ll notice it’s handmade. Ed built it himself eleven years ago, just before Jimmy was born–
CALEB
Marshal Dillon, may I suggest you lump the household effects together and offer them as one bulk item?
MATT
I’m sorry, Caleb, I’d rather offer ’em one at a time. Unless, of course you’d care to waive all claim to the household effects and withdraw ’em from the Order of Foreclosure.
CALEB
I waive the claim. The household goods are withdrawn. Now get on to the house and land.
MATT
So ordered.
MADISON
Oh! I see what you did there, Matt. Niiiice.
MATT
Now, the item offered is a hundred and sixty acres of tillable land, a four-room house and a barn. The amount of the mortgage is four hundred and twenty dollars held by Caleb Andrews. All right, the biddin’s open. What am I offered?
CALEB
Four hundred and fifty dollars.
MADISON
Douche-nozzle!
MATT
I have four hundred and fifty dollars from Caleb Andrews. Do I
hear another bid? Now, the farm’s worth two thousand. Are you gonna let him have it for four hundred and fifty? How ’bout another bidder?
MADISON
That sounds like my cue. Marshal Dillon? I’ve been thinking about getting a place of my own and settling down.
MATT
And?
MADISON
And… Oh! And I bid one thousand dollars!
MATT
I have a thousand dollars. Do I hear another bid?
CALEB
It’s a trick. Unmarried women can’t own property!
MADISON
What in the name of the E.R.A. are you talking about?!
MATT
Yeah, that’s true but–
MADISON
That’s true?! No wonder Miss Kitty has to whore it up.
CALEB
So she can’t bid!
MATT
But Madison is engaged. She’s speaking on behalf of her fiancee.
MADISON
Fiancee? Is this in the rewrites? I didn’t get the rewrites.
MATT
Yes, your fiancee, Clem Rogers.
MADISON
The stringy old bank dude? Eh.
MATT
A thousand dollars, goin’ once–
CALEB
Twelve hundred.
MATT
Caleb Andrews bids twelve hundred dollars. What do you say, Madison?
MADISON
I say– Any of you sexy cowboys unattached?
MATT
No more bids? Madison?
MADISON
I have no idea what version of the script you’re using.
MATT
Mr. Andrews has bid twelve hundred.
MADISON
Congrats to him. At least he’s not rachid old bank creep.
MATT
Do you have a counter bid, Madison?
MADISON
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
CALEB
What’s going on here?
MATT
The bid is fifteen hundred dollars.
CALEB
Sixteen hundred!
MATT
Sixteen hundred dollars from Mr. Andrews. Madison?
MADISON
Bank dude’s gotta be like, 40. Why do they always cast super old guys with hot young chicks?
MATT
Madison, how much money are you holding there?
MADISON
Huh? Oh, uh… Eight thousand, four hundred and twenty dollars.
MATT
The bid is eight thousand, four hundred and twenty dollars.
CALEB
I bet she’s never had that much money in her whole life!
MADISON
Not true! There was that one summer in college when I told my parents I was gonna study abroad but instead took the money and went on a Jamaican cruise.
MATT
Do I hear another bid? Well, what do you say, Caleb?
CALEB
Do you think I’m a fool?
MADISON
I do!
MATT
Goin’ once! Goin’ twice! Sold–! To Madison Standish for eight thousand, four hundred and twenty dollars! The buyer will come forward and complete the sale.
MADISON
There ya go. Eight thousand four hundred and twenty dollars. Suck it, Caleb!
MATT
Caleb, I guess four hundred and twenty dollars of this is yours. And that takes care of the mortgage. Well, Ed, looks like you made a pretty fair profit on the place.
ED
Yeah, a lot better than I expected.
MATT
Here’s your money.
ED
Thank you, Matt. But I tell ya, I’d still rather have the farm than the money.
MATT
Uh… you’d still rather have the farm, you say? Madison?
MADISON
My line? Uh… I don’t want the farm after all. I guess I’ll just be happy living off of my old bank dude husband’s salary.
So, if you want to buy it, Ed, I’ll take a four hundred and twenty dollar loss and sell it back to you for eight thousand dollars.
ED
Done! Here’s your money.
CALEB
This is unheard of! They can’t do that, Marshal!
MATT
Well, as far as I know, there’s no law against someone sellin’ their own property, Caleb.
ED
Now, the way I see it, Mr. Andrews, you’re a trespasser on my property. Come on, let’s go!
CALEB
Let go of me, Blake! Who do you think you’re manhandling?
MATT
Madison, you better get that eight thousand dollars back to the bank. Clem Rogers is prob’ly worryin’ himself into a breakdown for fear somebody’ll find out that he let us borrow it.
MADISON
I can’t believe you cast me opposite, Clem. My agent’s gonna hear about this.
MATT
The important part is that we got the farm back to the Blakes.
MADISON
Why couldn’t you have made one of the cowboys my fiancee? That one in the blue bandana was totes hot.
MATT
You mean Pedro?
MADISON
That’s Pedro? Daymn. Later, Lawman. Hey, Pedro! Hold up a sec!
PROLOGUE
MADISON
“Gunsmoke” first aired on radio in 1952. While most Westerns of
its era, both on radio and film, were geared towards kids,
“Gunsmoke” gave the Old West adult themes and characters. It’s popularity carried over to a long running television series which reached into the mid 1970’s. Today, Marshal Dillon remains a symbol of all iconic law keepers of the American Old West.
END