MADISON ON THE AIR: “RICHARD DIAMOND, PRIVATE DETECTIVE: THE CANARY AND THE SEAL”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: SEP 2022
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
Here’s another exciting case from the files of Richard Diamond, Private Detective!
MADISON
It’s your turn.
CANARY
It looks better if my secretary answers the phone.
MADISON
I am not your secretary.
CANARY
I’m the one steppin’ in for Richard Diamond while he’s away on holiday.
MADISON
Well, Richard Diamond doesn’t have a secretary. He’s got a girlfriend, Helen, who he’s doin’ the mattress mambo with up in the Catskills right now. But when he’s here, he answers his own phone.
CANARY
Can’t believe I offered to cover for him.
MADISON
Can’t believe I got my dates mixed up and showed up here when he’s outta town.
CANARY
Bob’s Feed Store and Marriage Counseling. We do castrations so your wife doesn’t have to. Limit one per customer. Meh, they hung up.
MADISON
So, your name’s “Canary”? And you are a private detective?
CANARY
Yeah. Me and Diamond go way back. Cracked a bank heist ring together. His shoulder took a bullet meant for my skull. So I owe him one, and here I am. What’s your story?
MADISON
Did you miss the theme song? We just played it.
CANARY
Look, I don’t need any assistance, all right? I’m just keepin’ Diamond’s chair warm till he gets back.
MADISON
Well, I got no place to be till the next episode so… you’re stuck with me.
WELLINGTON
Uh, Mr. Diamond?
CANARY
Close enough. What can I do for ya?
WELLINGTON
You’re… you’re a private detective?
MADISON
We both are.
CANARY
How’s that?
MADISON
Sure. I’ve helped solve cases all over these old timey radio shows. I’m really good at it. Almost as good as when I– oh, can’t say that on radio.
WELLINGTON
Well… I need to hire a private detective. I suppose you two will do.
CANARY
Why not? You made it all the way up to the sixth floor, might as well hire us.
MADISON
He’s the surly type of noir detective. I’ve been called the “plucky” type. Which I’m okay with now that I know they were saying “plucky” with a “P.”
WELLINGTON
My name is Wellington. Casper Wellington.
CANARY
Canary.
MADISON
Madison Standish. S’up.
CANARY
Mr. Wellington, won’t you take a seat and tell us what vexes ya?
WELLINGTON
I need a bodyguard.
MADISON
And I… eee… I… eee… I will always love you! Oooo! I!!!
CANARY
Why do you need a bodyguard?
WELLINGTON
It’s not for myself.
CANARY
Madison! Will you can it?
MADISON
That was my song for karaoke. The KJ would always save me for the end. I would empty the place. Because no one would dare follow me.
CANARY
Except maybe out in the parking lot with a baseball bat.
WELLINGTON
Mr. Canary! This is quite urgent. Please!
CANARY
Okay, okay. So, if the bodyguard’s not for you, who’s it for?
WELLINGTON
Timothy. Someone’s trying to kill him.
MADISON
Why? What’d he do?
CANARY
Would you mind if I handle the line of questioning?
MADISON
Yes, I would mind. My questions are just as valid as yours.
CANARY
All right, then. Be my guest.
MADISON
Thank you. Mr. Wellington… now you made me forget what I was gonna say.
CANARY
Mr. Wellington, have you been to the police?
WELLINGTON
Oh, yes, yes. They feel it’s not quite important enough for them.
CANARY
You mean this Timothy’s life is in danger and the police won’t handle it?
MADISON
I once reported a guy who kept coming to my house every afternoon but the cops wouldn’t do anything about it. They told me that’s what the mailman was supposed to do. But he kept bringing these “letters” that I never ordered.
CANARY
So… uh… Has anybody ever tried to kill Timothy before?
WELLINGTON
No one has exactly tried to kill him… But I very definitely expect an attempt.
CANARY
This Timothy, he a friend of yours?
WELLINGTON
Oh, yes. A very good friend.
MADISON
Why would anybody want to kill him? Fess up. He’s a douche. You’re his friend. You can be honest.
WELLINGTON
Look, I came here to hire a private detective to protect Timothy. I am perfectly willing to pay you your fee.
MADISON
Our fee.
WELLINGTON
Yes, fine, I’ll pay you both. But for the moment, the rest of your questions must go unanswered.
CANARY
Well, my fee is a hundred dollars a day, plus expenses, Mr. Wellington. You still “perfectly willing” to pay it?
MADISON
A hundred dollars a day? If you only work eight hours, that’s like… twelve bucks an hour. Holy crap. That’s actually better than modern day minimum wage in most states. And this is 1950. I think I’m gonna cry a little.
WELLINGTON
Here’s the cash. There’ll be another hundred dollars each if you protect Timothy long enough for me to get him on a train tomorrow.
CANARY
Where’s he going?
WELLINGTON
Out of town where he can be safe.
CANARY
What’s Timothy’s last name?
WELLINGTON
That will also have to go unanswered.
MADISON
Dude. Stop with the grilling. In two days we’ll be making more than people in Alabama make in a whole week.
CANARY
Fine. Seems my unwitting associate here is compelling me to take this job. So, where do we meet this Timothy? How will we know him?
WELLINGTON
He’ll be in your office in a matter of minutes.
CANARY
Something sure doesn’t ring up right about this whole thing.
MADISON
Then gimme your share. I’ll do it myself.
CANARY
Keep those manicured fingernails to yourself. I didn’t say I wasn’t gonna do it.
WELLINGTON
Good. Now, I’m going down to the train station to pick up his ticket. When he arrives, I expect you to remain with him constantly.
CANARY
Until tomorrow?
WELLINGTON
Don’t let him out of your sight for a moment! I want him alive and well when he gets on the train in the morning.
CANARY
Does he play Parcheesi?
MADISON
Does anybody play Parcheesi?
WELLINGTON
Well, I doubt it. But you never can tell. He might like it.
MADISON
Maybe we’ll have better luck with Twister.
WELLINGTON
Have Timothy at Grand Central at eight o’clock. I’ll meet you there. Good day, Mr. Canary, Miss Standish.
CANARY
Great. A night of babysittin’. I think this is gonna make me more than even with Diamond.
MADISON
Quit yer bitchin’. This is good money. The only time I made this much babysitting was when I would steal from the parents.
CANARY
You stole from people you babysat for?
MADISON
Depended on how good the kids were. If the kids were brats, I would consider this part of my earnings.
TONY
Hey, you.
CANARY
Me?
MADISON
Or me?
TONY
I’m lookin’ for a P.I.
MADISON
You’ve found them.
GEORGE
There’s two of ’em, Tony.
TONY
I noticed that, George. So, we’d better both show ’em what we brought with us.
MADISON
Are you guys selling candy for school uniforms or something?
CANARY
If they are, they must come from a pretty tough high school. Those are guns they’re pointin’ at us.
MADISON
Guns? Is it Girl Scout cookie season already?
TONY
Now, we ain’t gonna hurt youz two if you answer a few questions. Where is Casper Wellington?
CANARY
Who?
MADISON
Casper Wellington. Can anyone be named Casper anymore after Casper the Friendly Ghost? Or Kermit. I don’t think you can name a kid “Kermit” without frog jokes following him his entire life.
TONY
You don’t know Casper Wellington, friend?
CANARY
Never heard of him.
GEORGE
We seen him come in the building.
CANARY
And so you figured he came in here? Or have you already checked the other ninety-nine offices in the building?
TONY
Oh, that’s pretty funny.
MADISON
You thought that was funny? It’s 1950. George Carlin is only 13 but I bet he’s still funnier than that. Even without the words you can’t say on TV.
GEORGE
You’re the only private detective in the building.
MADISON
Detectives. Plural. As in two. Doce.
CANARY
“Doce” means twelve.
MADISON
Still more than one.
GEORGE
The directory says Richard Diamond. That you, girlie?
CANARY
No. It ain’t me, neither. Name’s Canary. And I think we’ve said everything we got to say to one another.
GEORGE
Sure. Why talk? When I can push your face around for a bit?
MADISON
You wouldn’t hit a girl though, right?
GEORGE
I’d hit a detective.
MADISON
I’m really more of a secretary.
CANARY
All this for some Casper fella? I don’t even know ‘im. What good’s it gonna do to work me over?
GEORGE
Well, now, you see, Tony and me got really nasty dispositions. We been crossed. And then you make with the jokes. We don’t like being the only ones unhappy, so we think maybe you wanna join us.
TONY
Hold on, hold on a second, George.
GEORGE
What for?
TONY
This could be a set up. We mess ’em up and then the law comes. We gotta find Casper. We don’t got no time to play patty cake with the cops.
GEORGE
Aw. I wanna mess ’em up.
TONY
Forget it. Look, friend, you sure Casper Wellington didn’t come in here?
CANARY
I couldn’t be more positive.
TONY
Okay. Put the rod down, George, and don’t look so unhappy. Maybe the shamus and his little secretary is lying. If we catch ’em tellin’ a fib, just think of the fun you can have later on, huh? Come on.
GEORGE
We leavin’?
TONY
Yeah. So long, friend. For your sake, I hope you’ve been level with us.
GEORGE
Yeah.
TONY
See ya’s around.
CANARY
Yeah, nice talkin’ with ya. See ya at the Gonif’s Ball. So, I guess when the chips are down, you’ll happily take a demotion to secretary.
MADISON
You were the one lying to them about that Casper dude.
CANARY
Tryin’ to protect our client, yeah.
MADISON
Well, I was trying to protect my face. My parents spent a lot of money on this nose. I maxed out two of their credit cards before they found out.
CANARY
Ya know, it’s customary for the secretary to answer the door.
MADISON
Oh, is this how we’re playing it now?
CANARY
You even got a P.I. license?
MADISON
In 1950 I don’t even have a driver’s license, but I still drive.
CANARY
Remind me to take the bus.
DELIVERY GUY
You, uh, “Canary”?
CANARY
Yep.
MADISON
I’m Madison Standish!
DELIVERY GUY
Good for you. I gotta crate here addressed to a “Canary.”
MADISON
Who’s sending you a crate?
CANARY
With my luck, Diamond is shipping me his dirty laundry to wash. C’mon in.
DELIVERY GUY
Yeah, okay. Where do you want it?
CANARY
Right there’s fine.
MADISON
That crate is ginormous.
CANARY
Yeah, it’s a little big for laundry.
MADISON
Nah, that’s about what I’d bring home every weekend from college.
DELIVERY GUY
Okay, Mr. Canary, sign right here.
CANARY
There you are.
DELIVERY GUY
I hope youz two will be very happy.
MADISON
Oh, we’re not together.
DELIVERY GUY
That’s good. ‘Cuz I hear three’s a crowd.
MADISON
Was he propositioning a threesome?
CANARY
You see a crowbar around here so I can open this thing?
MADISON
Because no offense, but all of you 1950’s guys smell like stale cigarettes. I feel like I’m getting lung cancer just by standing near you.
CANARY
Cigarettes, there we go. I’ll use this metal ashtray. Diamond needs to cut back on his smokin’, anyway.
MADISON
Holy crap!
CANARY
Oh, no! Get away! Get away!
MADISON
Why are you standing on the desk?
CANARY
Keep that seal away from me!
MADISON
It’s a sea lion, to be more specific.
CANARY
That thing’s a giant! You’re not afraid of him?
MADISON
What, you’ve never been to San Francisco before? These guys pretty much run the harbor. I tried to get close to take a selfie once, and one of ’em grabbed the phone right out of my hand! Thankfully, it was my sister’s phone. I wasn’t gonna use my own phone that close to a sea lion. Hey, look! He agrees with me. Ar, ar, ar!
CANARY
Great. You’ve found a long lost relative.
MADISON
Get off the desk. He’s super nice. I wonder what his name is. What’s your name, big boy?
CANARY
I bet I got a guess. It’s Timothy.
MADISON
This is Timothy? Aw. He knows his name.
CANARY
Well, this goes beyond my job description. I’m not babysittin’ any seal. He’s goin’ right back to that Casper Wellington.
MADISON
But we promised we’d keep him safe!
CANARY
My promise was given under false representation, so I’m breakin’ it. Oh, for the love of– I don’t know where to find Mr. Casper Wellington!
MADISON
Yaaas!! Okay, Timothy, we’re all goin’ back to Richard Diamond’s apartment. God, I hope his building has a pool. Oh, and I bet Timothy would like that, too.
SCENE TWO
CANARY/MADISON
Well, there it was–
CANARY
Hey. I’m givin’ the monologue here.
MADISON
I’m a detective, too. I should give the monologue.
CANARY
You got much practice in this? Because I do it on my show all the time.
MADISON
Oh, like it’s hard?
CANARY
All right, suppose we trade off. I’ll take this one, you get the next.
MADISON
Okay.
CANARY
Thanks. Well, there it was. Me playin’ nurse maid and companion to a honkin’ seal. Just to make sure it was Timothy, I took a look at the crate and right there on top was a small printed card that read–
MADISON
“This is Timothy. If you want him to do something, throw him a fish. Signed, Casper Wellington.”
CANARY
Am I doin’ this monologue or are you?
MADISON
I had the card, so I was reading it for you.
CANARY
All right, skipping ahead. With the craziest order I’d ever made at a delicatessen, Madison and I lured Timothy along with eight pounds of herring to the Fifth Street Precinct, hoping to get some help on tracking down Casper Wellington.
OTIS
Fifth Street Precinct, Sergeant Otis speakin’.
MADISON
I think that’s him.
OTIS
I’ll transfer ya to robbery detail.
CANARY
Excuse me. You’re Sergeant Otis?
OTIS
Yeah.
CANARY
Richard Diamond told me to–
OTIS
Hang on. Fifth Street Precinct, Sergeant Otis speakin’… Yes, ma’am… I see… You can come on down to the station to make your report.
MADISON
Diamond didn’t speak very highly of this dude. He said he’s “Dummer than a bag of hammers.” How smart are hammers supposed to be?
OTIS
Hey, I told ya I’d be right with ya!
CANARY
I didn’t say anything.
OTIS
There. You said it again.
CANARY
That wasn’t me. That was my associate here.
OTIS
That was you, lady?
MADISON
Those must be some pretty stupid hammers.
CANARY
No. My other associate.
OTIS
YIPE!!!
CANARY
This is Timothy. We’re here to see Lieutenant Walt Levinson. Richard Diamond sent us.
OTIS
Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
MADISON
Well, now he’s standing on a desk. You guys act like some stereotypical 1950’s housewife who saw a mouse in the kitchen.
OTIS
I ain’t never seen a mouse that big before! Help! Help! He’s tryin’ to eat me!
CANARY
Aw, relax. Here’s a fish. Throw it to Timothy.
OTIS
He’ll probably take my arm along with it!
WALT
What the devil’s going on out here? Otis, what are you doing up there?
MADISON
Are you Lieutenant Levinson? I’m Madison Standish. S’up.
WALT
I don’t care who you are! What are you doin’ to my sergeant?! You shut up, Otis.
OTIS
That wasn’t me.
MADISON
That was Timothy.
WALT
Who’s Timothy? Ah!!!
CANARY
I hate to think what would happen if someone wandered in here with a walrus.
MADISON
Hey, you were up on a desk less than an hour ago, tough guy.
CANARY
Sergeant, you think we can go into the Lieutenant’s office?
OTIS
Yeah. Sure. Whatever you want. Just get that seal outta here!
CANARY
Come along, Timothy. Madison, hand me another fish.
MADISON
Ew. I don’t want to touch any dead fish. Don’t they make some sort of Purina Seal Chow?
CANARY
Just gimme the bag. Lieutenant–
WALT
You get that thing out of here right now!
MADISON
I think the most impressive part of you guys standing on your desks is how sturdy they are. I had an IKEA desk that fell apart when my cat walked across it.
CANARY
Lieutenant, the name’s Canary. I’m a P.I.
MADISON
I put that desk together myself. And used almost all of the parts in the box.
CANARY
Richard Diamond told me to come to you if I needed anything.
MADISON
I followed the instructions. I think I’m fluent in Swedish now.
WALT
Oh! This is all Diamond’s doing, huh? I should’ve suspected. Well, I can’t help you. So you can take your sea monster and get outta my office.
MADISON
Give him a fish.
WALT
A fish?
CANARY
Sure. Here, take one and feed it to him. He’ll love ya for it.
WALT
You think so?
CANARY
Absolutely, go ahead and try.
MADISON
His name’s Timothy.
WALT
Okay. Here, Timothy. Hey! He’s applauding!
MADISON
You can climb down from the desk now, Lieutenant.
WALT
Gimme another fish first.
CANARY
Okay, you can have another fish. But save some for the seal.
WALT
Here ya go, Timothy. How ’bout that! I give him a fish, and he likes me!
MADISON
I had a roommate like that with sushi. Buy her a California roll, and she’d take you home for a dragon roll.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
So, Canary and I told Lieutenant Levinson the story about Casper Wellington and the two dudes who were lookin’ for him. The lieutenant put Otis to work trying to find the missing Casper guy and around, like, three-ish, Otis came back with some news. Hey! That was a super short monologue!
CANARY
So?
MADISON
So, I get the next one.
CANARY
No, you don’t. We’re trading off.
MADISON
That’s not fair. Mine was only two sentences.
CANARY
I don’t know which is worse. You or the seal.
OTIS
Hey, Canary!
MADISON
And Madison!
OTIS
Uh… Yeah, sure.
CANARY
You find somethin’, Otis?
OTIS
Oh, hi ya, Timothy! Yeah, I checked with the Humane Society, and they had a report of some guy who lives down by the docks. His name is Wellington, all right. He’d been turned in a coupla times because of his seal. Sorry. Because of Timothy. He apparently makes a lot of noise.
MADISON
I had neighbors who raised Chihuahuas. When thirty Chihuahuas start barking, it sounds like a pack of banshees coming for your children. At least that’s what I told my sister it was. She didn’t leave the house till she was eighteen.
CANARY
So, you got an address, Otis?
OTIS
Here it is, 918 River Street. Oh, and Lieutenant, we just got a report on another homicide.
WALT
So glad my homicide reports are playing second fiddle to a seal. No, offense, Timothy, but this is a police department, not a lost and found.
CANARY
C’mon, Madison. We gotta find a cabbie that doesn’t mind the smell of herring.
MADISON
That’s why I haven’t been to an aquarium in years. Too fishy. That, and there was this whole penguin encounter disaster. Never feed a penguin breaded fish sticks. Live and learn.
SCENE FOUR
CANARY
Thanks, Cabbie.
CAB DRIVER
Yeah, sure thing.
MADISON
Say, “thank you,” Timothy.
CAB DRIVER
Before ya go, can I ask ya somethin’?
MADISON
Yes, he’s our son. And he’s the fastest swimmer on the high school swim team.
CAB DRIVER
That so?
MADISON
Although he really brings down the choir.
CAB DRIVER
So… that actually is a seal you got with ya?
CANARY
You were thinking maybe a raccoon?
CAB DRIVER
You always take him around with you like that?
MADISON
Well, he only has his drivers’ permit. But once he turns sixteen and gets his license, he’ll be able to get around on his own.
CAB DRIVER
You meet all kinds in this town.
CANARY
All right, fun and games aside, let’s get this guy home.
MADISON
What does it say that in New York City, black men still struggle to hail a cab, but we got two today with a six hundred pound sea lion.
CANARY
I guess we can be glad that cabbie won’t be gettin’ the stink of fish outta his backseat any time soon.
TONY
Hold it right there, friend.
MADISON
Oh, goodie. It’s Tony and George again.
GEORGE
And I got a gun pointed right at your backs.
TONY
You lied to me, friend.
CANARY
I’ll go stand in the corner.
TONY
Nah, don’t you move.
CANARY
Whatever you say. I don’t argue with that kinda hardware.
TONY
George, grab the seal.
MADISON
No! Don’t you dare touch Timothy!
GEORGE
But, Tony, he’s a bohemick!
TONY
You heard what I said.
GEORGE
All right, come here, you!
CANARY
You’re lookin’ good there, George. One more lap and you’ll beat Seabiscuit’s all time record.
MADISON
Come on, Timothy! I know you can do it, boy! I know you can jump this wall. Come on! I believe in you, Willy! Eh, Timothy! You can do it! You can be free!
TONY
Shut your mouth!
GEORGE
I chased ‘im into the car!
MADISON
He does like to drive with his head out the window.
TONY
All right, you two, stay put. One bad move and you’re gonna be shot up real bad.
GEORGE
C’mon, Tony! Let’s get outtta here!
TONY
Okay, you kids be good and forget about today, and you won’t see this gun again. Open that big yap of yours, and it goes “boom.” Now, turn around because when we leave, I don’t want you lookin’ back for no license number.
MADISON
Well, looks like our protecting Timothy was a major fail. Boy, this really is like some of my babysitting gigs.
ANNOUNCER
We’ll be back in a moment with the second half of Richard Diamond, Private Detective.
PROMO BREAK: HOT COPY RADIO THEATER
SCENE FIVE
CANARY
Well, we stood there while the two gonifs drove off with poor little Timothy. Then I made a quick dash across the street into a store phone booth. Seconds later, I had Lieutenant Walt Levinson on the horn.
MADISON
See? You had three sentences.
CANARY
Yeah, but you didn’t even come across the street with me to use the phone.
MADISON
I didn’t know that’s why you went into the bodega! I thought you had the munchies.
WALT
Canary, you still down on River Street?
CANARY
Yeah, lookin’ for my client.
WALT
Well, you might as well stop lookin’.
CANARY
Stop lookin’?
MADISON
‘Scuse me, you got any Flamin’ Hot Cheetos?
CANARY
Why should I stop lookin’, Walt? His house is just down at the end of the block.
STORE CLERK
We got Frito-Lay Cheetos.
MADISON
You do?
WALT
Take my word for it, Wellington isn’t there.
MADISON
How much are the Cheetos?
STORE CLERK
Ten cents.
CANARY
Well then, where is he?
MADISON
Canary! You got ten cents?
CANARY
I’m on the phone, here!
WALT
Wellington’s in the city morgue. We fished him out of the river twenty minutes ago.
CANARY
What?
MADISON
C’mon! I just need ten cents. I don’t carry change. In my day, even gum ball machines take cards.
CANARY
I’m trying to talk to the lieutenant.
MADISON
Can you believe it? The store guy says Cheetos came out two years ago. Cheetos are from the 40s?! Isn’t that amazing?
WALT
Canary? You still there?
CANARY
I’m tryin’, Walt.
MADISON
C’mon! I’m hungry.
CANARY
We still got a coupla pounds of fish left.
MADISON
Ten. Cents.
CANARY
Here’s a quarter, don’t spend it all in one place.
MADISON
Woo! The O.G. Cheetos!
CANARY
Okay, Walt, whatcha sayin’? Wellington’s dead?
WALT
He was found suffering from a hole in his chest. Dead before he was tossed in the river.
CANARY
Walt, remember those two guys I told you about?
WALT
Yeah.
CANARY
Well, they just put the snatch on Timothy.
WALT
They swiped the seal?
CANARY
Yeah. And I don’t appreciate guys who wave guns around in my face. So, I’m gonna check out Wellington’s house. See what all this fuss is over a seal.
MADISON
Look! I got 1950’s Cheetos cheetle fingers! Cheetle!
SCENE SIX
MADISON
Why are you knocking? I thought the dude was dead.
CANARY
Maybe he’s got himself another roommate who hates fish.
MADISON
Try the door. See if it’s unlocked.
CANARY
You mind not spittin’ those cheese chunks at me? I like this suit.
MADISON
Ew. This place smells like the dumpster behind Red Lobster.
CANARY
Guess it takes a lot of fish to keep a sea lion happy. Get a load of that kitchen.
MADISON
Gross.
CANARY
He’s been guttin’ fish. And it looks like the cleanin’ lady doesn’t come till the end of the month.
MADISON
Oh, that stench. I’m gonna go outside before I puke up a gelatinous wad of orange Cheetos goo. What the hell did I just trip on?
CANARY
It’s a leather bag. Sittin’ right in the middle of the hallway. Open it.
MADISON
There’s nothin’ in it. Just some sort of dust at the bottom.
CANARY
Well, save it. We’ll have it analyzed when we get down to the station. Maybe by then, Otis will’ve found somethin’ on those two guys who kidnapped Timothy.
MADISON
Can I go and puke now? Because the Cheetos are not sitting well with this fish funk.
CANARY
Uh, yeah. Aim for the river.
MADISON
Oh, Cheetos. You, artificial cornmeal bastards. I love you, and you always hurt me!
SCENE SEVEN
OTIS
Hey, Lieutenant. We just got somethin’ else on that Casper Wellington guy. Oh, Miss Standish. Geez, you don’t look so good.
MADISON
Well, excuse me for not being a living instagram filter so you don’t have to look at my horrible miserable face!
OTIS
What?
CANARY
Take another swig of that Alka-Seltzer, Madison.
WALT
Otis, what’re ya just standin’ around for? Whatcha got on Wellington?
CANARY
Yeah, what did he steal?
OTIS
Hey, how’d you know?
CANARY
Just a guess.
MADISON
Lieutenant, you wanna kick that garbage can over here?
WALT
Round two?
MADISON
Mmm-hmm.
OTIS
She okay?
MADISON
Up… false alarm.
WALT
Get on with it, Otis.
OTIS
Yeah… well, it seems that this Wellington guy works at — or I mean used to work at — David and Sons.
WALT
David and Sons?
CANARY
Diamond importers.
OTIS
Yeah.
CANARY
Wellington ran off with a load of diamonds.
OTIS
Fifty-thousand bucks worth.
MADISON
Fifty-thousand dollars? And he only paid us twelve bucks an hour? Ohh!!!
CANARY
Head between your knees, Madison.
WALT
Diamonds? What’s this all about?
CANARY
It’s fairly simple, Walt. Wellington comes to me–
MADISON
Us!
CANARY
Us and tells us to guard Timothy. Then two guys kidnap Timothy.
WALT
That we heard.
CANARY
And then me and Madison find the remains of a pile of cleaned fish.
MADISON
Please don’t mention fish.
WALT
So?
CANARY
So, the two guys who kidnapped Timothy were obviously after something, and the seal is part of it.
MADISON
Tell ’em about the bag.
CANARY
Yeah, that bag we picked up in Wellington’s house. Walt, have that powder in the bottom analyzed. I’ll lay six to an even that it’s diamond dust.
OTIS
The handle on the bag was all orange.
MADISON
That was Cheeto dust.
CANARY
I think Casper was mixed up with the two guys who grabbed the seal and crossed them. He hid the loot in some fish–
MADISON
I said no fish!
CANARY
And fed the– “food in question”… to Timothy.
WALT
So Timothy’s got a stomach full of diamonds?
CANARY
Yup. Then Casper left Timothy with us for protection until he could get him shipped out on a train.
WALT
And in the meantime, the two guys found Casper, killed him, and went back to his house to find the loot. Then saw the fish like you did.
CANARY
And easily figured out that Timothy is a very valuable pinniped.
WALT
Otis, have the powder in the bottom of that bag analyzed. Then put out a one-oh-eight on Timothy.
OTIS
Right away, sir!
WALT
Otis, Canary and Madison–
MADISON
Round two!
WALT
Okay… maybe just Canary, will give you a description of the guys who grabbed the seal.
CANARY
We’ll never find them that way.
WALT
You got a better idea?
CANARY
Maybe. Look, these two guys have been one step ahead of us the whole time, right?
WALT
Yeah. So?
CANARY
So, by now they must know how hot those diamonds are. They’re certainly not gonna try to get rid of them here in town.
WALT
Then they’ll leave town.
CANARY
Yeah, and with that much loot, it would be a risky if they try it by car.
WALT
All right, how do they do it?
MADISON
They’re gonna put Timothy on that train and then make him puke his diamond guts out!
CANARY
There’s your explanation. Complete with visuals.
OTIS
That is the brightest color orange I have ever seen!
SCENE EIGHT
CANARY
Walt, Madison, and I piled into the squad car–
MADISON
It’s my turn to do the monologue!
CANARY
You’re givin’ up your turn to keep those Cheetos down. Nobody listenin’ to this monologue wants to hear that again.
MADISON
I’m feeling better now, thank you.
CANARY
Just the same, I got this one. Twenty minutes later, we were standing in the middle of Grand Central Station with a bag of fish and a weather eye out for the missing seal and his two abductors.
WALT
Okay, we’re here. Where do we find a six hundred pound seal in a train station?
MADISON
I once followed Ryan Reynolds onto a train going from L.A. to Vancouver. I thought that was really cool. He was taking a train rather than being one of those celebrities polluting the planet on a private jet. Just as I was gonna try and talk to him, we crossed the boarder into Canada. Long story short, expired passport, Royal Canadian Mounted Police, six months in a Canadian prison, blah, blah, blah.
CANARY
Well, in Timothy’s case, I don’t suppose he’ll be sittin’ at a table in the dining car.
WALT
They’d have to crate him. The shipping department!
CANARY
Yeah, c’mon.
MADISON
Shipping? Like Timothy is some sort of Amazon Prime order? Well, at least he’ll be in a box three times his size cushioned with a tree’s worth of packing paper.
CANARY
Look, those two guys.
WALT
Where?
CANARY
Goin’ down the ramp.
MADISON
Is Timothy in that box?
CANARY
More than likely. They’re going up to that counter.
WALT
We need to know for sure that Timothy is in that box. If the seal’s not here, and if I pick those guys up without the loot, we may never find it.
MADISON
Gimme the fish.
CANARY
What?
MADISON
The fish. I’ll walk up to the box with the bag of fish. If Timothy’s in there, he’ll smell the fish and start making noise.
WALT
She’s got a pretty good idea there, Canary.
MADISON
That’s how the Canadian Mounted Police found me hiding in the Amtrak toilet. I never could resist the smell of fresh coffee.
CANARY
But they’ve already seen you, Madison. They’ll recognize you for sure.
MADISON
Okay, hang on.
WALT
What’re ya think you’re doin’?
MADISON
I’ve givin’ this uptight 1950’s blouse a plunging neckline.
CANARY
A clever distraction.
MADISON
Worked getting me into bars before I turned twenty-one.
CANARY
All right, here’s the fish. Walt and I will be watching in case the plan goes sour.
MADISON
Yeah, my Plan B when I couldn’t get past the bouncer is something I don’t do in public anymore.
WALT
If this girl actually knows Richard Diamond, I’m gonna guess his girlfriend isn’t too happy about it.
CANARY
I’m still not sure how I feel about knowing her.
MADISON
Pardon me, but I’d like to find out about sending something?
GEORGE
Hey! What’s the idea? We was here… Oh, eh… excuse me, Miss.
TONY
Yeah… eh… don’t mind him.
MADISON
Oh, wow! You boys must be really sending something… big.
TONY
Uh… yeah. We ship, uh… furs. Furs.
MADISON
Live ones?! Do you club baby seals?
TONY
No! No… that’s–
GEORGE
That’s my pet seal!
MADISON
Pet seal? You said it was furs! You two disgust me.
GEORGE
He’s bustin’ the crate open!
TONY
Grab him, will ya!
GEORGE
He’s goin’ after the sack! This broad’s got a sack full of fish!
TONY
Hey, don’t we know you?
MADISON
Canary!!!
GEORGE
Cops!!
TONY
They ain’t takin’ me!
MADISON
Dude! He’s got a gun!
CANARY
Hold it right there, Tony!
WALT
All right, bud, drop it!
TONY
Back off or I start shootin’! Ow! Let go of my hand! Get this seal off me! He’s chewin’ my hand off!
CANARY
Then drop the gun.
TONY
All right! All right!
MADISON
Good job, Timothy!
TONY
That crazy seal nearly killed me!
MADISON
No, he didn’t. But you’re gonna wanna get on some antibiotics. The condition’s called “seal finger.” Seal bites can lead to a very serious infection that may result in requiring amputation.
TONY
WHAT?!
WALT
All right, boys, here’s a bracelet for each of you. Let’s go outside.
TONY
W-w-wait! What’d she say about amputation?
CANARY
Hang on a minute, Lieutenant.
TONY
Yeah! Yeah! Hang on a minute!
CANARY
We gotta get the jewels.
TONY
The jewels?! What about my hand?
MADISON
You’ll just have to learn to be left handed.
WALT
Canary, you and Madison take Timothy to a veterinarian. Then bring me back my evidence.
GEORGE
I can’t believe you talked me into this. I hope your hand falls off!
WALT
C’mon, you two! I’m takin’ you to the station.
TONY
You’re gonna let me see a doctor, right? Lieutenant?
CANARY
Well, Timothy, looks like you got your own doctor’s appointment to make.
MADISON
It’s okay. I’ll hold your flipper the whole time. Unless there’s blood. Then I’ll probably pass out. Unless they sedate me. Veterinarians got good drugs.
SCENE NINE
CANARY
C’mon, Madison. I’m sure Timothy’s all right.
MADISON
He’s been in surgery for nearly an hour! It didn’t take this long when my brother swallowed a handful of legos!
CANARY
Kid’s will put anything in their mouths.
MADISON
He wasn’t a kid. He was seventeen and did it on a bet. I lost fifty bucks.
CANARY
Yeah, well, the vet knows what he’s doin’.
VETERINARIAN
Mr. Canary? Miss Standish?
MADISON
How’s Timothy?
VETERINARIAN
He had the diamonds in him, all right.
MADISON
You didn’t answer my question. How is Timothy?
VETERINARIAN
Well–
MADISON
How’s the damn seal?!
CANARY
Please, doctor, tell us what happened. We can handle it.
MADISON
Timothy!
CANARY
Well, I can handle it.
VETERINARIAN
He’s very weak. I… I don’t think he has the will to live.
MADISON
But he was such a happy seal!
CANARY
Uh… yeah. What can give a seal the will to live?
VETERINARIAN
I think he misses you, Canary. Every time someone mentions your name, he kind of honks and lifts a weak flipper.
MADISON
Canary?! What about me? Did you mention “Madison”? Maybe I should go in there. We’re really close.
VETERINARIAN
No, it’s definitely Canary. I think maybe if he heard your voice it might give him the strength to fight.
CANARY
My voice? What do I say?
VETERINARIAN
Well, music soothes the savage beast.
CANARY
You mean, “breast.”
MADISON
Should I show him my breasts?
VETERINARIAN
Maybe you could sing to him, Canary.
CANARY
Sing? What do I sing to a seal?
MADISON
“Kiss from a Rose”?
VETERINARIAN
Just anything. He’s sinking fast.
CANARY
I dunno…
MADISON
You have the power to save him! You have to do it!
CANARY
All right.
VETERINARIAN
I’ll open the door. He’ll be able to hear you.
CANARY
Uh… Timothy?
MADISON
Timothy! Madison is here! Timothy?
VETERINARIAN
Oh, sounds like we got the food delivery for the lizards.
MADISON
I can’t believe I touched dead fish for that seal.
CANARY
All right. I’ll give it a try. Here goes nothin’–
CANARY’S SINGING VOICE
YOU’RE THE ONE I DREAM OF / YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MAKES ME SMILE / YOU’RE THE ONE I WISH FOR / THE ONE WHOM I BEGUILE
MADISON
Where did that orchestra come from?
VETERINARIAN
That did it! It worked!
CANARY
It, it did?
MADISON
Yeah. You’re a regular John Cusack with a boom box.
VETERINARIAN
I’ll go make sure he’s comfortable.
CANARY
Then we gotta get those jewels over to the lieutenant.
MADISON
You sure you don’t wanna keep an engagement ring to give Timothy?
CANARY
Don’t be jealous because the sea lion likes me better.
MADISON
You have my “seal” of approval. You can “seal” your love with a kiss. You two make a great “seal team”–
CANARY
What are you doing?
MADISON
We didn’t get in all the seal puns during the episode, so I saved them for the end. Do you find this fishy? Was the seal just a red herring? Am I just fishing for compliments?
CANARY
Boy, does Diamond owe me big.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
Dick Powell played the role of Richard Diamond, Private Detective, from 1949 through 1952. Powell was first known in Hollywood as a singer and comedic actor who transitioned into tough noir detectives for radio including the role of Richard Rogue in “Rogue’s Gallery.” But Richard Diamond was the perfect show for Powell, both utilizing his noir grit, as well as featuring lighthearted banter and ending each episode with a song.
We want to thank our guest detective, Canary, aka J. Henry, for joining us for this crossover episode! You can catch Canary in his own audio drama, Canary, P.I., wherever you find your podcasts.