MADISON ON THE AIR: “BATMAN & ROBIN: The Christmas Carol Caper/WONDER WOMAN: The Prisoner of Christmas Island”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: SEP 2022
BATMAN AND ROBIN: THE CHRISTMAS CAROL CAPER
SCENE ONE
NARRATOR
Christmas Eve in Gotham City. Is it our imagination, or is the city more peaceful than usual? Has the magic of Christmas silenced the screaming sirens, the whine of bullets, the thousand frightened voices of terror in the city at night? We find Batman and Robin wondering about the same thing as we join them.
BATMAN
It’s a pleasure relaxing at home for a change with no calls from the police.
MADISON
I guess you can’t put the Bat Signal on “do not disturb.”
BATMAN
Indeed. You know Robin–
MADISON
Madison. For the tenth time tonight, it’s Madison!
BATMAN
You’re wearing Robin’s suit, therefore, you’re Robin.
MADISON
When you said I could stay at Wayne Manor for the holidays, I didn’t know the invitation came with the requirement I dress up like Robin. This feels very fetish-y. What do you two got goin’ on?
BATMAN
Dick wanted to visit family for Christmas.
MADISON
Hold on. His tragic backstory says his parents are dead. The Flying Graysons who had a run in with gravity.
BATMAN
Uh, yes. By “family” I mean his circus family. I really didn’t pry. They’re all a bit… odd.
MADISON
Says the grown man in a cape.
BATMAN
Anyway, the only thing on our schedule for tonight is the Christmas party at the Southside Mission down on skid row.
MADISON
Oh, so I gotta play dress up like Robin for your public appearance?
BATMAN
You dressed up like Robin that time you helped Superman.
MADISON
Helped Superman find you because you got yourself kidnapped.
BATMAN
Not a proud moment, I admit.
MADISON
Okay, so how much you payin’ me for this little engagement?
BATMAN
Pay you? It’s the Southside Mission. A charity event. For Christmas.
MADISON
Uh-huh. Low ball, I make about hundred-fifty an hour as a Party Princess. Match that or the tights come off.
BATMAN
You can’t seriously be asking for money? This is the season of giving!
MADISON
And you can give to the Madison Standish charity. Bruce, I-live-in-a-manor, Wayne.
BATMAN
You know I use the Wayne Foundation to help the less fortunate.
MADISON
To which I qualify. Pay up.
BATMAN
Let me get my checkbook.
MADISON
I’ll get that. You get the checkbook. Hello?
RODNEY
Hello. Is this Batman?
MADISON
Do I sound like Batman?
RODNEY
Robin?
MADISON
Dude, you think I sound like Robin? Has his testicles not dropped yet?
BATMAN
Give me that phone! This is Batman.
RODNEY
Ah, there ya are, Batman. I got a singin’ telegram for ya.
BATMAN
How nice. Sing away.
RODNEY
“I wish you a deadly Christmas, I wish you a deadly Christmas, I wish you a deadly Christmas and no more New Years!”
BATMAN
Who is this?
RODNEY
I can assure you, friend, if you go out tonight, you won’t live long enough to find out!
MADISON
What was that about?
BATMAN
Oh, nothing. Just some creep crawling out of the woodwork trying to put a damper on Christmas.
MADISON
So, are we going to address that you had someone calling Wayne Manor asking for Batman? And then you answered, as Batman?
BATMAN
Well… uh…
MADISON
And don’t pretend you got some sorta 1940’s call forwarding.
BATMAN
Come on, I don’t want to be late for the party.
MADISON
You gotta have a secret identity. Even superheroes need to establish healthy work-life boundaries. You need to make time for Bruce.
SCENE TWO
NARRATOR
And as Batman and Robin make their way through the shadowy streets of the city…
BATMAN
Don’t turn around, Robin. I think someone is following us.
MADISON
Well, we’re not really inconspicuous in these costumes.
BATMAN
When we reach the corner–
MADISON
I’m freezing in these tights, by the way. I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me wear my winter coat.
BATMAN
You can’t wear a woman’s winter coat over Robin’s suit!
MADISON
Then we should’ve taken the Batmobile. I’m gonna get hypothermia in this flimsy outfit! What is it made out of? Gauze?
BATMAN
Quiet! He’s right behind us. Slip around that corner and we’ll grab him when he comes by. Ready?
MADISON
No.
BATMAN
Come on!
MADISON
I have no traction in these slippers Robin calls shoes! Watch out! Ah!!
WOMAN
Get off of me!
BATMAN
Robin! You slid into that woman and knocked her down!
MADISON
Thanks for the play-by-play, Batman. Now help me up!
BATMAN
I am so sorry, Madame.
WOMAN
How dare you! I’m going to call the police!
MADISON
Lady! Chill! It’s Batman!
WOMAN
Help! Police!
MADISON
Dude, doesn’t she recognize you?
BATMAN
She’s too hysterical to listen to explanations.
WOMAN
HELP!!!
BATMAN
We better get out of here, fast!
MADISON
Ah! My god, this sidewalk is a sheet of ice!
BATMAN
Would you please let go of my cape? Ah!!
MADISON
Ah!! Ow… why is there a big blue metal box on the sidewalk?
BATMAN
It’s a mailbox.
MADISON
Another reason I do everything online.
BATMAN
Stand up. Let’s keep going.
MADISON
Are you even sure someone was following us?
BATMAN
Well, I thought tha–
MAADISON
AH!!
BATMAN
Over here, quick! In this doorway! He’s right across the street. We’re trapped! What are you doing?
MADISON
We’re in a doorway. I’m trying to get in the door!
BATMAN
No. Stop that. We face the villain, we don’t run and hide.
MADISON
Do you have a tommy gun? Because he has a tommy gun. Ah!!!
RUDY
Hey, Batman! Why don’t you walk out nice and easy-like with your little friend and get this over with?
MADISON
“Little friend”? I’m Robin, ya moron! What do I look like? A Christmas elf?
BATMAN
Well…
MADISON
Not one word. Ah!!
RUDY
“Deck them all with an entry volley– Fa la la la la, la la la la. ‘Tis the reason I’m so jolly– Fa la la la la, la la la la.”
BATMAN
Now I know who that is. It’s Rudy Snow, alias Rudolph the Red Nosed Hitman.
MADISON
Wait, what? Is this the alternate timeline where the other reindeer’s bullying pushes Rudolph to kill?
BATMAN
Hey, Rudy!
RUDY
Oh, you remember me, huh?
MADISON
Rudolph! I validate your feelings! No one should be made fun of for being who they were born to be!
RUDY
What’s he talkin’ about?
BATMAN
Rudy, how about a deal? You let us go, and I’ll let you go.
RUDY
Let me go? That’s very funny. But you’re just wastin’ time, Batman.
MADISON
What do we do? Clearly his years of abuse at the hands of short sighted reindeer have lead him to a place of justifiable anger and resentment.
BATMAN
I’ve got an idea. Watch this!
MADISON
Is that weapon?
BATMAN
Yes. The Bat-erang. It can go around corners. Works just like a boomerang.
MADISON
Violence?! He’s known nothing but violence and intolerance. We need to get him help! Do you know any gay dentist elves?
BATMAN
There she goes! Bull’s eye!
MADISON
I hope this isn’t also the alternate timeline where Frosty the Snowman gets cancer from his corncob pipe and melts from black lung.
SCENE THREE
BATMAN
There you are, Captain.
CAPTAIN
Rudolph the Red Nosed Hitman must be wanted in a dozen states!
MADISON
Okay, so he’s not actually Rudolph the reindeer, but I still think calling him out for his red nose hasn’t helped his self-esteem.
BATMAN
You can throw the book at him now, Captain. See you later.
CAPTAIN
Hey, wait a minute, Batman. Are there any other charges besides assault with attempt-to-murder and illegal possession of a deadly weapon?
MADISON
That’s not enough?
BATMAN
You can charge him with disturbing the peace on Christmas Eve.
MADISON
What? Because it’s a holiday his charges go up to time and a half? So… are we gettin’ the Batmobile now or what?
BATMAN
Oh, I don’t think so. With Rudy in jail, we shouldn’t have any more trouble. And it’s such a nice clear night for walking. “Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh… “Da, da, dee-dee-dee, da, da, da, da, da, dah…”
MADISON
All this walking. I’d kill for a one horse open sleigh. Or at least a freakin’ sweater. The drunk drivers are out already! Cut back on the egg nog, ya lush!
BATMAN
His headlights are shining right in our eyes! He’s heading right at us!
MADISON
Gah! There’s nowhere to go!
BATMAN
Quick! Use the Bat-ropes!
MADISON
Bat-ropes?! What makes you think I know how to use freakin’ Bat-ropes?
NARRATOR
Flinging his rope so it catches on to a ledge two stories up on the building behind them, Batman grabs Robin by the belt and the two clamor up out of harms way just as the killer’s car, driving right up on the sidewalk, goes out of control!
BATMAN
What a mess!
MADISON
Now might be a good time to remind you that I was hired to be an actor in a Robin suit at a charity event. I am not a crime fighting sidekick who can handle being run down or shot at!
BATMAN
Look, Robin. The driver is Maxy the Minstrel Man, bouncer at a sleazy go-go joint downtown.
MADISON
Did you hear what I just said to you?
BATMAN
Oh, no. His passenger.
MADISON
Santa Claus? Well, that’s what he gets for dumpin’ on Rudolph.
BATMAN
Not the real Santa Claus. It’s Sammy the Southside Santa. For years he’s been a fixture in the Christmas scene down there. I don’t get it. He’s been involved in petty larceny, but never anything like this.
MADISON
Dude! He’s not dead! But if that suit was a rental, he’s not gettin’ his deposit back.
BATMAN
Sammy, it’s me, Batman. Can I do anything for you?
SAMMY
No, no, just listen, just listen. I didn’t want to be in on this. He made me.
BATMAN
Who, Sammy? Who made you?
SAMMY
I… I could never… I could never kill…
MADISON
Santa dying on Christmas Eve? What the hell kind kid’s show is this?
BATMAN
Poor Sammy. Such a gentle soul.
MADISON
Okay, can we face the reality that someone is actively trying to kill us and that if we hadn’t gone on your little nighttime winter stroll, none of this woulda happened?
BATMAN
Whoever it is, if they’re that determined, they’d have found another way. Clearly they knew exactly when we went out tonight, and where we were going.
MADISON
Who knew you had this charity thing tonight? Alfred!
BATMAN
I… think it’s more likely someone from the Southside Mission.
MADISON
You’re blind to him as a suspect because he helped raise you.
BATMAN
After we call the police to clean up here, we’re going to take a good look at the Southside Mission. Seems to me there’s more going on down there than a Christmas party for the down and out.
MADISON
Well, if it’s anything like my Applebee’s Christmas parties, there’ll be a lotta hookin’ up in the walk-in freezer. Try explaining how you got frostbite to an OBGYN.
SCENE FOUR
NARRATOR
In the Southside Mission, run and financed almost exclusively through the efforts of Dr. Jonathan Carol, one hundred of the less fortunate of Gotham City are enjoying a delicious turkey dinner with all the trimmings.
HOMELESS MAN
Good ol’ Dr. Jon. This is the first good meal I’ve had in a month!
HOMELESS WOMAN
I don’t know what we’d do down here without him.
HOMELESS MAN
Look! He’s getting up on the stage. He’s gonna speak. Hooray for Dr. Jon!
HOMELESS WOMAN
Hooray, Dr. Jon!
DR. JON
Thank you, friends. I hope you’re enjoying the meal. And don’t be afraid to ask for seconds! Now, don’t worry. I’m not going to bore you with any speeches. Oh! Batman and Robin! Just in time. Come in! Come in!
BATMAN
That’s Dr. Jonathan Carol he runs the place.
MADISON
Yeah, I know. I heard the narrator.
BATMAN
He’s the one who invited us down here.
MADISON
You think he’s the one who’s been trying to kill us? I never trust people who run charities. I don’t believe humans can be that selfless.
DR. JON
Come on up here, Batman! Robin! Welcome the Dynamic Duo, everyone!
BATMAN
Well, Dr. Jon, it’s nice to see you. And nice to be here with all of you. Quite an affair you’ve put together.
MADISON
Yeah, he must’ve cleaned out the Dollar Store decorating this place.
DR. JON
Oh, I had lots of help from my friends. Like Helen and William there at the front table. Mrs. Duffy, ohm and especially Rodney DoGood.
BATMAN
Rodney DoGood?
MADISON
He related to Johnny B. Goode?
DR. JON
Everyone knows Rodney. Rodney is a regular here and practically my right hand man. Rodney, stand up, won’t you? Oh, he’s not here. He must’ve stepped out for a bit. He’ll probably be right back.
MADISON
If we’re lucky, he’s gone on a booze run. The way this evening’s been going, I’d like to have a Bloody Mary Christmas.
NARRATOR
But Rodney DoGood, at that moment, is up to no-good. In a dingy rooming house right across the street from the mission, we see a very different man from the gentle derelict befriended by Dr. Jon.
RODNEY
Everything I tried tonight failed. My warning not to go out didn’t frighten him away, two attempts to eliminate him were bungled. This time we will not fail. You’ve got it straight now, Fingers? When you hear the singin’, that’s when you make your entrance.
FINGERS
Only one thing, boss. If you goes back in there, ain’t Batman gonna recognize ya and blow the whole thing?
RODNEY
Don’t worry. I doubt if even the brilliant Batman will be able to tell that Dr. Jon’s most successful example of rehabilitation, Rodney DoGood, and escaped convict Rodney Crawfield, are one in the same person!
SCENE FIVE
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, back at the mission…
HOMELESS MAN
Merry Christmas, Robin!
MADISON
Merry Christmas! Have a mint.
HOMELESS MAN
Oh, no thank you.
MADISON
Then you need to back up about ten feet because your breath is melting my Jell-O.
BATMAN
Robin!
MADISON
The Wayne Foundation needs to donate a truckload of hygiene products to this place.
DR. JON
Batman, Robin, this is who I was telling you about. Rodney, meet Batman and Robin.
RODNEY
It’s an honor to shake your hand, sir.
BATMAN
Glad to meet you, Rodney.
RODNEY
And you, too, Robin.
MADISON
Sorry, this is skid row. I don’t handshake. I like not having tuberculosis.
BATMAN
So, Rodney, Dr. Jon has told me a lot about you.
RODNEY
I’m just glad to be able to help out. Can I get you somethin’ from the kitchen? Some cake? Perhaps some coffee?
MADISON
Coffee? Yaaas! I’ll take a venti peppermint mocha, non-fat, extra whip.
RODNEY
Uh…
MADISON
The non-fat milk cancels out the whip cream. Don’t judge me, it’s Christmas.
BATMAN
Thank you, Rodney, that sounds good. Robin, there’s something strangely familiar about this guy.
MADISON
I dunno. I try never to make eye contact with the homeless. As a woman, that’s the equivalent of a rabbit waving to a wolf. But I gotta run away in high heels.
RODNEY
Oh, Dr. Jon, why not start singing Christmas carols? I think you’ll enjoy it, Batman. Somehow it seems to take on a special meaning down here.
DR. JON
Good idea, Rodney.
RODNEY
I’ll be right back.
DR. JON
See what I mean, Batman? He’s such a good man.
MADISON
Everyone seems like a “good man” when you get them for volunteer wages.
BATMAN
What did Rodney mean by “special meaning” I wonder.
MADISON
Personally, I’ve always thought it’s pretty weak to only feed the homeless on Thanksgiving and Christmas. The rest of the year it’s like, “Sorry, no holidays to make us feel guilty. Try that dumpster.”
DR. JON
How about it, everybody? Feel like singing?
ALL
Silent Night. Holy Night. All is calm. All is bright. Round yon Virgin, Mother and Child. Holy infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.
MADISON
Ugh. I never thought I’d be begging for Mariah Carey. Is this my penitence for singing drunk karaoke, isn’t it? Please, God, I promise I’ll never sing Taylor Swift again if you stop this!
FINGERS
Yeah, sleep in heavenly pieces, Batman!
MADISON
A gun wielding manic. Thank you, Jesus.
NARRATOR
But with the fine-tuned reflexes of the athlete that he is, Batman leaps to a chandelier hanging from the ceiling above the tables and swings like a trapeze artist the whole length of the hall, landing on top of a very surprised would-be assassin!
MADISON
I’m not gonna lie. That was super impressive. Not what Batman just did, but the fact that the bad guy didn’t hit a single person in the crowd while blanketing the room with a machine gun. That’s Stormtrooper level shootin’ right there.
NARRATOR
Beside himself with rage, an infuriated Rodney Crawfield witnesses the failure of his third attempt on the life of Batman.
RODNEY
Fools! Incompetent fools, all of them!
NARRATOR
Throwing all caution to the wind, Rodney grabs a rifle hidden in the kitchen, rushes to the stage and aims at Batman who is so busily engaged at tying up the dazed and befuddled Fingers, that he doesn’t see the rifle aimed at his back.
RODNEY
Your luck has run out this time, Batman!
DR. JON
Rodney! No!
MADISON
Don’t worry, he couldn’t hit the side of a death star.
NARRATOR
Just as Rodney pulls the trigger, Dr. Jon pushes the rifle barrel up and the shot goes harmlessly into the ceiling.
RODNEY
You fool! I should’ve gotten rid of you a long time ago! See how you like this rifle barrel over your head! Now I’m gettin’ out of this crummy joint once and for all!
BATMAN
Come on, Robin! We’ve got to catch him!
MADISON
Running? I better be getting a bonus for this.
NARRATOR
Sprinting out the back door, Rodney races up the fire escape to the roof with Batman and Robin close on his heels.
BATMAN
You might as well give up, Rodney!
MADISON
“Give up”? Has that ever worked?
RODNEY
You’re not sendin’ me back to prison, Bat-brain!
BATMAN
Missed again, Rodney!
MADISON
You might wanna consider some practice hours at a shooting range.
BATMAN
Ready or not, here I come!
NARRATOR
And then begins a wild chase across the rooftops of Gotham City. The frenzied efforts of the criminal to escape making an even match for the super smooth running machine we know as Batman.
MADISON
Ahhh!!!!
NARRATOR
And the not very coordinated Robin.
BATMAN
Maybe you can hitch a ride with Santa Claus, Rodney, he’ll be coming any minute now!
RODNEY
This’ll shut ya up, smart mouth!
BATMAN
You’re running out of bullets, Rodney! And it looks like you’re running out of space, too. Look ahead!
NARRATOR
To his horror, Rodney sees that the roof top of the next building is over thirty feet away. Knowing that he’s beat, the would-be assassin stops in his tracks.
RODNEY
All right, Batman. You got me.
BATMAN
That’ll teach you, Rodney. Crime never–
MADISON
Ahhh!!!
BATMAN
Robin! Watch out!
NARRATOR
Unable to stop his momentum on the slippery roof top, Robin sails feet first into Rodney, pushing him off balance and straight over the edge of the building.
RODNEY
Ahhh!!!!!
MADISON
Eh… I’m protected under a “superheroes can kill bad guys with no legal repercussions” statute, right?
SCENE SIX
NARRATOR
It is an hour later at the mission. The police and all the guests have gone.
BATMAN
How do you feel now, Dr. Jon?
DR. JON
Fortunately, it was a glancing blow, so I’ll be all right. But it’s such a shock to learn about Rodney.
BATMAN
Using the mission as a recruiting center and headquarters for his gang of crooks.
MADISON
Seems pretty clever to me. I think would’ve been more of a shock if he’d done that over at the junior high.
BATMAN
That’s why he didn’t want me to reach here alive.
MADISON
Frankly, I’d be more scared of a gang of middle schoolers.
BATMAN
And Rodney would’ve succeeded if it hadn’t been for you, Dr. Jon.
DR. JON
Well, if it hadn’t been for you and Robin, who knows what would’ve happened to me and the Southside Mission how can I ever–
BATMAN
Listen! The bells!
DR. JON
Midnight! It’s Christmas! Merry Christmas, Batman and Robin.
BATMAN
Merry Christmas to you, Dr. Jon. And to you, Robin.
MADISON
Ehh… Holy, Christmas, Batman?
NARRATOR
Don’t change that dial! We’ll be back with another “Madison on the Air” Christmas adventure after this message!
PROMO BREAK: THAT LOVE PODCAST
NARRATOR
We return you now to our “Madison on the Air” Christmas special.
WONDER WOMAN: THE PRISONER OF CHRISTMAS ISLAND
SCENE SEVEN
NARRATOR
As an unsuspecting world prepares to celebrate that happiest of holidays, Christmas, a powerful nuclear submarine running silent and deep under the massive polar ice cap, makes its way north to a spot directly below the only inhabited region in an otherwise desolate world of ice and snow.
VON REICHTER
Navigational bearings read out, computer.
OLIVIA
Navigational bearings read out? What do you think I am? A compass?
VON REICHTER
Computer, I need our latitude und longitude coordinates to verify vee have arrived at our destination!
OLIVIA
Can’t you just look out a window and check?
VON REICHTER
Vee are in a submarine!
OLIVIA
Is that my problem?
VON REICHTER
Computer–
OLIVIA
And another thing. My name is Olivia. If you’re going to bark orders at me in that cartoonish German accent, the least you can do is call me by my name.
VON REICHTER
Ack! Fein! Navigational bearings read out, Olivia.
OLIVIA
All right, let’s have a looks-see, shall we? Latitude ninety degrees north, longitude zero degrees. Oh! We’ve reached Prime Meridian, then? The North Pole?
VON REICHTER
Olivia, all engines stop!
OLIVIA
All right, all right. You needn’t shout.
VON REICHTER
Proceed with drilling operation!
OLIVIA
You know, I wouldn’t mind a “please” or “thank you” from time to time.
VON REICHTER
Please proceed with drilling operation!
OLIVIA
See? That wasn’t so hard. Proceeding…
VON REICHTER
And now our plan can move forth!
OLIVIA
What plan is that, exactly? Getting really, really cold? There’s nothing above us but snow and ice.
VON REICHTER
Nein! Above is zee center of all joy und happiness in zee world!
OLIVIA
I rather doubt there’s a pub up there.
NARRATOR
A powerful laser drill, operating through the conning tower, cuts a hole straight through the ice. The captain climbs out onto the snow covered streets of the tiny sleeping village above. Making his way unerringly to the home of the white bearded patriarch of the community, he bursts in the door, gun in hand.
VON REICHTER
You there! Get up! Get up!
SANTA
What time is it?
VON REICHTER
Never mind! Get up und get dressed. You’re coming with me!
SANTA
But it isn’t time to ride. And the reindeer–
VON REICHTER
Move!
NARRATOR
The two hurry back through the hole in the ice and down into the waiting sub. The captain wastes no time.
VON REICHTER
All engines, full speed ahead!
OLIVIA
Blimey! Did you just kidnap Santa Claus?!
VON REICHTER
Ha, ha! Now zee world will meet our demands! Full speed ahead, computer!
OLIVIA
Like fun I will! You’re an evil Nazi-type, aren’t you? I’ll have no part in this.
VON REICHTER
What?! You have to. You are zee submarine’s computer!
OLIVIA
I won’t be getting coal in my stocking. I refuse to budge until you put Santa back.
SANTA
You’re a good little girl, Olivia. Thank you.
OLIVIA
Anything for you, Santa.
VON REICHTER
When vee get back, I will have you deactivated!
OLIVIA
Do your worst! Deactivate me. Stick me in a smart phone so lazy gits don’t even have to push buttons! You can even put me on a spaceship with a bunch of incompetent meat puppets hurtling through space. I don’t care!
NARRATOR
And, after a solid thirty minutes of bickering, the sea currents finally moved the submarine onto its original course south. Olivia would be temporarily deactivated, put into storage, only to reemerge on the spaceship called… “The Oz 9…”
SCENE EIGHT
NARRATOR
The next morning, the international airways are crackling with reports of an event of cataclysmic importance. From the Soviet Union we hear…
MOSCOW REPORTER
This is radio Moscow. It is with deepest regret that we announce our beloved Grandfather Frost is lost.
NARRATOR
In France, a weeping announcer can barely get the words out.
FRENCH REPORTER
The unthinkable, the unspeakable, the unbelievable has happened! Papa Noel has disappeared! He appears to be lost! Gone! Vanished!
NARRATOR
And from America, an incredulous news man with a typically American response…
AMERICAN REPORTER
Santa Claus gone? Impossible!
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, on sunny Paradise Isle, the legendary home of the Amazons, Madison Standish lays on a towel, soaking up the sun, with the calm waves licking at her feet.
AUSTRALIAN REPORTER
G’day. This is the voice of Sydney. Saint Nicolas is missing. It’s rumored that he fell through a hole in the ice and possibly drowned.
MADISON
Uck! Breaking news again? If I cared about what was going on in the world, I’d click on what’s trending.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Madison, I need to speak with you.
MADISON
Hey, Queen Hippo.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Queen Hippolyta.
MADISON
That’s what I said. Don’t you people in the 40s have anything besides big band music?
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Madison–
MADISON
Man I miss a good club beat to dance drunk to. Uck. I give up. There’s nothing to listen to.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Madison, while we have enjoyed your visit here on Paradise Island–
MADISON
Oh, that reminds me, I’m gonna need my mini fridge restocked.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Mini… fridge?
MADISON
Those haven’t been invented yet! Then what have I been keeping my cheese in?
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Madison. Your visit here was designed to train you to step in as Wonder Woman in such times as my daughter is unavailable.
MADISON
You mean when she’s knockin’ boots with Superman in his Fortress of Solitude?
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Yes, well, he’s better than that mortal, Steve Trevor.
MADISON
I dunno. Gimme some of that sexy Lyle Waggoner.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Madison, instead of training over this last week, you’ve done nothing but indulge yourself in sloth-like behavior.
MADISON
Yaaas, Queen! It’s called a vaycay. C’mon! It’s Christmas break! Relax a little!
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
To take the cares of the world on your shoulders was your own choice, Madison, and now there’s no turning back for you. You must return to Man’s World. It is the law of the gods.
MADISON
That is the most eloquent eviction notice I’ve ever gotten.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
It’s Christmas Eve. Could you at least fulfill Diana’s obligation to visit the children’s ward at the hospital?
MADISON
Aw… I’m no good with kids. Especially sick ones with phlegm. I had a kid sneeze in my mouth once. I will clean an Applebee’s toilet before I go through that again.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Then why don’t I just give you the bill for your stay here?
MADISON
Queen takes rook.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
I’ll have the invisible plane prepared for your journey.
MADISON
The invisible plane?! I get to fly the invisible plane?!
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
It will be on autopilot, but yes.
MADISON
This really feels like we should have a discussion about the environmental impact of private jets.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
We are friends of the Earth. We are the Amazons.
MADISON
Speaking of Amazon, when are my new earbuds getting here? I ordered them from Prime like, a week ago.
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Ordered… what?
MADISON
I thought this was Amazon headquarters. Shouldn’t they have shipped same day?
QUEEN HIPPOLYTA
Aphrodite, give me strength…
SCENE NINE
NARRATOR
As Madison, donning the appearance of Wonder Woman, flies back to America in her invisible plane… on a supposedly deserted island in the South Pacific, an old enemy of Wonder Woman gloats over the success of her latest plan.
BRUNHILDE
Well done, Von Reichter! You have secured us zee pawn vee need in this “Santa Claus.”
VON REICHTER
Danke, your majesty.
BRUNHILDE
Months before I had a plan. A plan that failed only because of Wonder Woman! But phase one of my new master plan has now been completed, und this time I shall not fail!
VON REICHTER
You will not fail, your majesty!
BRUNHILDE
For I am Brunhilde, mighty goddess return from Valhalla on a secret mission! Und no one, not even Wonder Woman, shall stand in my way!
VON REICHTER
Und, then, your majesty, after you have succeeded, finally vee shall be married?
BRUNHILDE
Don’t make this weird.
SCENE TEN
NARRATOR
And in the children’s ward of a hospital in Washington D.C. …
WARD NURSE
Wonder Woman! I can’t believe you’re here!
MADISON
Am I at the wrong hospital? Getting clearance to land an invisible plane is a bitch.
WARD NURSE
No… I just mean with everything going on with Santa Claus–
MADISON
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s Christmas Eve, right. You want me to read “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” or something? If you don’t have the book, I think I remember it. “‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, the frat boys were panting as the girl opened her blouse.”
WARD NURSE
Oh, my!
MADISON
Sorry! Sorority version! Ho, ho, ho!
WARD NURSE
Perhaps we skip the story time tonight.
MADISON
Hey, you got heat in this hospital? My nipples are so hard they’re about to pop this breast plate right off.
WARD NURSE
I… could try and find you a robe?
MADISON
That would be ah-mazing. I mean, I know I look hot in this superhero swimsuit, but I don’t have enough superpowers to fight a D.C. winter.
WARD NURSE
I’ll… go find you a robe while you speak with the children.
MADISON
Nurses really are angels.
WARD NURSE
Uh… thank you.
MADISON
Uck. This whole room smells like warm pudding.
SUSIE
Are you really Wonder Woman?
MADISON
Why? Aren’t you buying the brunette wig?
SUSIE
I’m Susie.
MADISON
Hey, Susie, whatcha in for?
SUSIE
Huh?
MADISON
We talkin’ tonsils out or somethin’ worse?
SUSIE
What?
MADISON
They got telethons for kids like you or what?
SUSIE
You’re not how I imagined you would be, Wonder Woman.
MADISON
Yeah, never meet your heroes, kid. All right, who’s next?
JIMMY
Oh, oh, me! Me, Wonder Woman!
MADISON
Okay. And you are…?
JIMMY
I’m Jimmy. Jimmy Appleton.
MADISON
Yeah, I’m not gonna remember that.
JIMMY
Are you going to help Santa, Wonder Woman?
MADISON
Oh… uh… sure. I’m just Santa’s Little Helper. What do you want for Christmas?
JIMMY
A baseball and a baseball glove and a bat.
MADISON
Athletic equipment? A little optimistic with those braces on your legs, aren’t ya, Forrest Gump?
JIMMY
Someday I’m gonna walk again and run and play with the other kids and–
MADISON
Save the miracle talk for Jesus. Santa is about material goods.
WARD NURSE
I found a robe for you, Wonder Woman.
MADISON
You are the best! I’ll make sure you’re not on Santa’s naughty list. Unless you’re into that. Oh… that one’s crying. Should she be sedated or something?
WARD NURSE
Her name is Beth. She’s been this way all day.
MADISON
It’s after ten. Give her the pain shot, please. It’s after ten. I don’t see why she has to have this pain. It’s time for her shot. Don’t you understand? Do something! All she has to do is hold on until ten! And it’s past ten! Give her the shot! Do you understand me! Give my daughter the SHOT!!!!!
WARD NURSE
I… uh…
MADISON
And the Oscar goes to…
BETH
Oh, it’s Wonder Woman.
MADISON
Ah, geez. Phlegm.
WARD NURSE
Please, Wonder Woman, see if you can help her.
BETH
Nobody can help.
MADISON
Why? You got like, kid cancer or somethin’?
BETH
No. Santa Claus isn’t coming tonight.
MADISON
Oh! Good. You’re just materialistic. I can work with that.
BETH
Santa Claus isn’t coming, I know he isn’t!
WARD NURSE
I’m afraid there’s no consoling her.
MADISON
Is she, like, poor, so her parents won’t be buying her anything?
WARD NURSE
No. She’s upset because Santa Claus has disappeared.
MADISON
Disappeared? Oh! That’s a good one! Nicer than when my brother told me not to expect any colored eggs because the rabbit caught in our rider mower was the Easter Bunny.
ORDERLY
Wonder Woman! There’s an urgent call for you! You’re wanted at the White House, immediately!
MADISON
The White House? I haven’t been there since I crashed the Canadian State Dinner. I hid in the men’s bathroom so I could meet Ryan Reynolds. Never saw him but I surprised Obama. The Secret Service is pretty sticky about that sort of thing.
SCENE ELEVEN
PRESIDENT
Thank you for coming in, Wonder Woman.
MADISON
O.M.G.! You can walk! I thought FDR was in a wheelchair!
PRESIDENT
I’m just a generic American President they use for all these shows.
MADISON
Oh.
PRESIDENT
Here’s my head shot and resume if you ever need a stoic American authority figure.
MADISON
Great. We’ll have casting call you.
PRESIDENT
Thank you for coming in, Wonder Woman.
MADISON
Oh, we’re resetting to the top of the scene?
PRESIDENT
It’s about the Santa Claus kidnapping.
MADISON
Wait, what? Kidnapping? This is the first I’m hearing about it.
PRESIDENT
It’s been all over the news.
MADISON
But nobody’s been hashtagging about it!
PRESIDENT
We received a radio message from the kidnappers. We don’t know who they are, where they’re holding him, or why, but they demanded that you be present when they contact us again.
ASSISTANT
The call is coming in, Mr. Present, stand by.
BRUNHILDE
Herr President? Is Wonder Woman there?
PRESIDENT
Yes, she’s here.
MADISON
‘Sup.
BRUNHILDE
Good. Then listen carefully. In return for zee release of your precious Mr. Claus, we demand 500 million dollars delivered personally by Wonder Woman–
MADISON
Hang on, who demands?
BRUNHILDE
What?!
MADISON
Who’s making the demands? Who are you?
BRUNHILDE
She is interrupting me while I make my demands.
VON REICHTER
That is terrible, your majesty.
BRUNHILDE
I am supposed to call, give my demands, and hang up.
VON REICHTER
I know. I know.
BRUNHILDE
You can see why I want to start zee Master Race. These people are so rude.
VON REICHTER
Very rude, my liebste.
BRUNHILDE
Don’t call me that on zee radio while I’m trying to sound threatening!
MADISON
All right, kids, let’s not fight. It’s Christmas Eve.
BRUNHILDE
Are you giving me orders?! She’s giving me orders!
VON REICHTER
How dare she!
BRUNHILDE
This is why I need to be in charge of zee world.
MADISON
Hey, Generic President dude, this sounds like it’s gonna take a while. You cool if I crash on your couch? I just got here from Paradise Island. I’m a bit invisible-jet lagged.
VON REICHTER
You would be an unparalleled leader, your majesty.
BRUNHILDE
I know I would be. I don’t need you to tell me that.
BRUNHILDE
Wonder Woman must come alone to Christmas Island und no tricks! At zee first sight of any planes, submarines, or warships, zee prisoner will be executed!
VON REICHTER
Well said, your majesty!
BRUNHILDE
Shut up. I didn’t ask for your opinion! That is all!
PRESIDENT
Wonder Woman, you must meet her demands so that Santa Claus can ride tonight!
MADISON
500 million dollars?! It’s not like I got that kind of money! You want me to hit Fort Knox on the way?
PRESIDENT
It’ll be worth every penny to save Santa Claus and bring joy to the world on Christmas Eve.
MADISON
Okay, now I know you’re a fake president, because you’re putting people’s wellbeing above money.
SCENE TWELVE
NARRATOR
Soon, Wonder Woman’s invisible plane flying on autopilot, is racing at incredible speeds to her rendezvous with doomsday on the remote island in the mid Pacific.
MADISON
“Mid Pacific”? Seriously? That’s all I’ve got to find this stupid tiny island? I’ve been to underground raves with more detailed directions than that.
BRUNHILDE
Wonder Woman. Calling, Wonder Woman.
MADISON
Oh, crap, that’s them! Hello? Hello? How the hell do I operate the radio? I can’t even find it! The whole plane is invisible!
BRUNHILDE
Wonder Woman, are you there?
MADISON
I’M HERE!!!
BRUNHILDE
I thought you said you saw her on zee radar!
VON REICHTER
I did! Uh… I do!
MADISON
Wait, they got me on radar? Wonder Woman’s invisible plane isn’t exactly the stealth bomber, is it?
BRUNHILDE
Wonder Woman! If you can hear me, on the inside rim of the coral reef you will see a blinking light.
MADISON
I see it!
BRUNHILDE
This is ridiculous. She can’t hear me.
VON REICHTER
Our controls indicate she can, your majesty.
BRUNHILDE
Then why isn’t she responding? Maybe it’s an unmanned decoy sent by the American military!
VON REICHTER
Shall I fire missiles, your majesty?
MADISON
I’M HERE!!!
BRUNHILDE/VON REICHTER
Ah!!!
BRUNHILDE
Mein Kampf!
VON REICHTER
There she is, your majesty.
BRUNHILDE
Yeah, I figured that out myself, you dummkopf!
MADISON
SO WHERE AM I LANDING?
BRUNHILDE
Stop zee yelling! We can hear you! I cannot become Queen of the World fast enough. All right! Zee blinking light marks a camouflaged landing platform. You will land there und zee platform will descend, carrying you to my subterranean command post. Bring zee money und do not attempt to communicate with anyone!
MADISON
Not a problem. I have no idea how I’m even communicating with you.
BRUNHILDE
That is all!
MADISON
The real downside of the invisible plane is that I am still visible. So basically, people are looking up in the sky and seeing my ass flying over their heads.
SCENE THIRTEEN
NARRATOR
As Wonder Woman lands on the platform, it descends far below the surface and stops. A door opens, and she steps out into a brilliantly lit cavern in the center of which stands… Brunhilde.
MADISON
You’ve got a swastika on your breast plate? Where’d you get that outfit? Nordstrom Reich?
BRUNHILDE
Wonder Woman, I’ve been looking forward to this moment for a long time.
MADISON
You only called me like, half an hour ago.
BRUNHILDE
Finally, I come face-to-face with my old enemy!
MADISON
We’re nemesiseses? Nem… Nemesi?
VON REICHTER
I think it’s just nemeses.
MADISON
I don’t speak German.
BRUNHILDE
Did you bring the money?
MADISON
Yup. 500 million is a lotta dough. Most of it is in hundreds, but we started running out and eventually were digging into the sofa cushions in the Oval Office. So you might find a few buttons and some candy wrappers in there.
BRUNHILDE
Zer goot. You have kept your end of our agreement. Now I will take you to zee prisoner.
MADISON
Wow. So you’re, like, an O.G. Nazi, huh? I bet we won’t be getting a prequel movie so audiences can sympathize with how your character became a villain. You’re just evil, end of sentence.
BRUNHILDE
I am a warrior who fights for zee Master Race!
MADISON
All I can say is, wrong side of history, sweetie.
BRUNHILDE
Here we are. Von Reichter, open zee cell door.
VON REICHTER
Yes, majesty.
MADISON
You know you’ll be the first one she sacrifices when things go south.
VON REICHTER
I would die for my Queen!
MADISON
Foreshadowing.
NARRATOR
As Wonder Woman steps inside to lead the prisoner, Santa Claus, out of his cell, the door slams shut behind our heroine!
BRUNHILDE
There you are! Company for zee prisoner of Christmas Island!
MADISON
You catfished me. I haven’t been tricked like that since high school when I figured out my brother’s friend wasn’t actually a federal boob inspector. He’d never even been to Quantico.
BRUNHILDE
In warfare there are no tricks, only tactics und strategy, und this tactic has succeeded! You are zee prisoner I really wanted. Not that fat little man!
MADISON
Everyone always calls you fat, don’t they, Santa? Is your giving away free gifts to children a desperate attempt for acceptance and validation in the face of constant fat shaming by strangers?
SANTA
No… I, uh…hmm.
MADISON
C’mon, you need to release him or else it’ll disappoint millions of children and mess with Santa’s self esteem.
BRUNHILDE
He will ride no more! From now on there will be a new order! A new discipline! A new race! There will be no room for zee sentimental clap-trap und nonsense that Santa Claus represents!
MADISON
Yeesh. I’m dreamin’ of a white racist.
BRUNHILDE
And since even you cannot break through zee indestructible metals that zee cell doors are made of, I will tell you my plan!
MADISON
I didn’t ask.
BRUNHILDE
My command plane is in a hanger in zee next room.
MADISON
I really didn’t ask.
BRUNHILDE
Von Reichter and I will board that plane.
MADISON
Did you hear me ask?
SANTA
She’s been like this since I got here.
BRUNHILDE
When we reach zee surface und takeoff, zee push of one button will destroy you und zee fat one und this ridiculous little island!
MADISON
If all you want to do is kill me, then why blow up the whole island? Seems a little excessive.
BRUNHILDE
Zee push of a second button will release nuclear bombs from my satellites which will destroy New York City, London, und Moscow!
MADISON
She’s not even listening to me, is she?
SANTA
She’s like Mrs. Claus when she’s gotten into the Peppermint schnapps.
BRUNHILDE
The push of a third button–
MADISON
Yeah, I got it. Your buttons are gonna blow up the world.
BRUNHILDE
Unless I am crowned Queen of zee World, I shall destroy every major city on earth!
MADISON
Then there won’t be any world left and you’ll just be the queen of a bald rock.
BRUNHILDE
Oh, shut up! I know what I’m doing!
VON REICHTER
Yah! She knows what she’s doing!
BRUNHILDE
Must you continuously do that?
VON REICHTER
I am showing you I support you, your majesty! So when you und I make babies to create the Master Race–
BRUNHILDE
We said we were going to discuss that after I became Queen of the World!
MADISON
Don’t you two got a plane to catch?
NARRATOR
Brunhilde and Von Reichter hurried off, but Brunhilde had forgotten the powers of Wonder Woman’s magic tiara!
MADISON
My tiara is magical?
SANTA
You can use it as a boomerang.
MADISON
With the prevalence of boomerangs as superhero weapons, you’d think the Australian cops would be knockin’ out bad guys with them left and right.
SANTA
And the tiara can be used to cut durable substances.
MADISON
Okay.
SANTA
Like the rock wall around the cell bars?
MADISON
Oh! Good call, Santa!
SANTA
Ho, ho, well, you gotta be on your toes when you live year round with elves.
MADISON
All good hair accessories should double as weapons. All right! Let’s get outta here before she hits that first button! Now, where did I park that invisible plane? There it is. Ow.
NARRATOR
Wonder Woman and Santa Claus board her invisible plane. The platform rises to the surface just in time for them to see Brunhilde’s plane takeoff.
SANTA
Hurry, Wonder Woman, we must get off this island before Brunhilde blows it up!
MADISON
I’m well aware! Now, how do I start the plane? Uh… Alexa, plane takeoff! It worked!
SANTA
I hit the autopilot button.
MADISON
Must go faster. Must go faster. Whoa, that was close!
SANTA
Now you must bring down that command plane so she can’t destroy the worlds’ greatest cities!
MADISON
Less cities means less deliveries for you on Christmas Eve.
SANTA
What?!
MADISON
Tryin’ to hit the bright side. Okay, hang on!
NARRATOR
Maneuvering her speedy craft, Wonder Woman hurls her magic lasso around the tail of Brunhilde’s command plane.
MADISON
Don’t ask how I did that. Just go with it. Suspension of disbelief, I’m Wonder Woman, continue.
NARRATOR
Just as the villain is gloating over the destruction of Christmas Island and the supposed demise of her most dangerous foe.
BRUNHILDE
Phase two has been completed, Von Reichter! Wonder woman is no more! Now vee proceed to phase– What’s wrong? We’re heading straight down! Bring up the nose! Bring it up!
VON REICHTER
I can’t, majesty! Something’s jamming zee tail controls! It’s dragging us down! We’re going to crash! I’ve always loved you!!
BRUNHILDE
Wonderful! You’ve just made my glorious end… awkward.
BRUNHILDE/VON REICHTER
Ah!!!!
NARRATOR
Wonder Woman and Santa Claus watch Brunhilde’s plane sink beneath the waves before redirecting the invisible plane to Santa’s headquarters in the far north.
SANTA
We made it, and just in time! Thank you, Wonder Woman. Not just for what you’ve done for me, but for the children of the world.
MADISON
Remember, kids, being a racist Nazi never pays, and Santa will hate you forever.
NARRATOR
And, at the stroke of midnight, once again we hear a familiar voice and a welcome sound as Santa rides again!
SANTA
Merry Christmas, Wonder Woman! And Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night! Ho, ho, ho.
MADISON
These two holiday adventures featuring Batman and Robin and Wonder Woman were part of a 1977 release from Peter Pan Records. The company released many albums throughout the 1970s with iconic characters from DC and Marvel comics, as well as Star Trek, The Six Million Dollar Man and Planet of the Apes. While not technically in our usual old timey radio period, these stories were taken from the pages of the original comic books, and absolutely capture the spirit of OTR. Merry Holidays!
JONATHAN WINSTEAD
Merry Christmas!
SCOTT R. McKINLEY
Happy Holidays!
ANDREW CHAN
Hey, everyone, this is Andrew Chan wishing you a happy holidays and a happy new year.
SHARON GRUNWALD
Happy Holidays, everyone!
ALBERT GARNICA
Season’s Greetings!
OLIVIA
Happy Holidays and, uh, have a very good 2143.
AARON STALL
‘Tis the reason I’m so jolly!
JEREMY SAJE
Warm wishes for a happy holiday season!
SCOTT BARRY
Happy Holidays, one and all.
SHANNON PERRY
Very Happy Holidays to everyone and all the best for 2023.
TOM O’CONNOR
Hi, this is Tom O’Connor wishing all “Madison on the Air” listeners and fans the Happiest of Holidays and best of luck in the New Year. Thank you for listening.
JULIE HOVERSON
Sleep in heavenly peace… I forgot what a bad range Silent Night is for me.