MADISON ON THE AIR: “DEFENSE ATTORNEY: THE JOSHUA MASTERS CASE”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: AUG 2022
SCENE ONE
MADISON
Ladies and gentlemen, to depend upon your judgment, and to fulfill my own obligation, I submit the facts: fully aware of my responsibility to my client and to you… as defense attorney.
ANNOUNCER
When Martha Ellis Bryant chose law as a career, she accepted the challenge of defending the defenseless.
MADISON
O.M.G. you guys! This show, from the early 1950s, actually followed a female defense attorney. Whaaaat? I know! So hang tight while I rock my best Elle Woods and bring you “Defense Attorney.”
ANNOUNCER
Wealthy Joshua Masters is in the law office of Martha Ellis Bryant.
JOSHUA
So… Miss Bryant won’t be in today?
MADISON
Nupe. She’s home sick. From what I understand, she can’t be too far from a toilet.
JOSHUA
Oh! I see. Pity that. Are… you a lawyer as well?
MADISON
No! I’m a just temp here to answer the phones.
JOSHUA
Then… do you need to answer that?
MADISON
Meh. They’ll call back.
JOSHUA
Uh… well… is there any indication of when Miss Bryant may return?
MADISON
I dunno. Do you guys have that ten day quarantine thing here in the 50s?
JOSHUA
You sure you don’t want to answer that telephone?
MADISON
If I answered the phone every time it rang, I’d be taking messages all day.
JOSHUA
Yes, I see how that would be a source of frustration.
MADISON
There. They hung up. I tell ya, I wish I could figure out how to turn off the ringer on that old timey phone. Like when I was a hostess at Applebee’s and would lock the front door. Work is so much better without customers.
JOSHUA
Is… is there a way to, perhaps, get a message to Miss Bryant?
MADISON
Dude, this building is stupid with lawyers. Why don’t you just pick another one?
JOSHUA
Well… My matter is quite urgent. And Miss Bryant’s reputation for integrity is common knowledge, so I know I can trust her. She’s famous for proving people innocent.
MADISON
Oh. She hits the “legal technicalities” angle, huh? There’s an art to that. I mean, I’ve lost count how many times my lawyers have gotten evidence thrown out of court and saved my butt.
JOSHUA
That’s… not entirely what I meant. But you see, I believe one of my three sons is trying to kill me.
MADISON
Fred MacMurray had the same problem.
JOSHUA
I need Miss Bryant’s help.
MADISON
When you watch the series, it’s obvious it’s Ernie.
JOSHUA
I’d rather hoped Miss Bryant could–
MADISON
Although there are theories Chip and Ernie were in on it together. Did you know they were actually brothers in real life?
JOSHUA
I must know which of my sons–
MADISON
Wants you dead.
JOSHUA
Wants me alive. That’s why I need Miss Bryant’s help. To discover which of my sons is innocent. You see, there is a great deal of money involved.
MADISON
Ohhhh. I gotcha. Lookin’ to change the will?
JOSHUA
Well, yes. I want to ensure my innocent sons inherit my money.
MADISON
Sorry, but, even if Miss Bryant wasn’t home dehydrated from violent diarrhea, she’s a lawyer, and it sounds like you need a private detective.
JOSHUA
This is something I think she could handle better than a private detective.
MADISON
Welp, okay. I can probably find a way to get her a message in between her delirious blackouts. Let me take down some deets. How old are you, Mr. Masters?
JOSHUA
Sixty-eight.
MADISON
Oh-kay. And your sons?
JOSHUA
Well… the eldest is thirty-eight, the youngest, thirty-three.
MADISON
Mmm-hmm. Are they married?
JOSHUA
What exactly are you doing?
MADISON
Taking notes.
JOSHUA
What is that device you keep smacking with your thumbs?
MADISON
It’s my iPhone. Look, dude, I tried taking notes the old timey way with a notepad and pencil, but the pencil tip broke. So I went to open a new package of pencils and none of them had tips! The entire package was defective!
JOSHUA
All right. What else do you want to know?
MADISON
Uh… are your sons married?
JOSHUA
No. All three like to consider themselves “eligible bachelors.”
MADISON
Ooo, so they’re available? Which would you say is the cutest?
JOSHUA
Uh…
MADISON
Or, better question, who stands to inherit the most money if they knock you off?
JOSHUA
As my will is now, my estate is to be divided equally among the three boys. But if one of them is trying to kill me–
MADISON
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, thirty-eight is a bit old for me. Too close to forty. Tell me about the thirty-three year old.
JOSHUA
Look, Miss Standish, I’m not proud of my sons. They’re parasites waiting for my money. Waiting for me to die. And one is trying to hurry it.
MADISON
Fine. Then, uh, what makes you think they’re trying to murder you?
JOSHUA
Well, I’ve got a weakness for speed. I like to go fast in a car, boat, anything. I’ve got a foreign car that’s very fast.
MADISON
You’re compensating. Got it.
JOSHUA
Yes, well, I like to get out on the motorway and open my car up once in a while. It started out the other day when I got a flat tire. I drove into a service station to get it fixed. One lug bolt was holding the wheel on, the other four had been unscrewed. It was hanging on by one thread.
MADISON
Not really proof someone is trying to murder you. The same thing happens when you get a tire changed at Pep Boys.
JOSHUA
Maybe, but I’ve got a speedboat down at the bay. I started to take it out one day when I noticed that the bilge was full of petrol. One spark plug wire was disconnected and hanging about a centimeter above the bilge. If I’d touched the starter, it would’ve all blown up in the harbor.
MADISON
Okay, I’m on board. I’ve believed conspiracy theories with less facts than that.
JOSHUA
There are other things, too, little things, that when they all add up, they point to one of my sons.
MADISON
You sure all of this is because of one of your sons?
JOSHUA
Yes, there isn’t anyone else.
MADISON
No, listen to what I’m saying. You sure it’s one of your sons and not like, two or all of your sons.
JOSHUA
I see. Well, no, I never thought of that. I hope it isn’t true. But David, Ralph or Gordon, any one of them is capable of killing me for money.
MADISON
They livin’ offa ya?
JOSHUA
Uh, yes. But I don’t give them as much money as they think I should.
MADISON
Uck. You’re one of those dads. How am I supposed to live better than my parents when they won’t pay for it?
JOSHUA
I believe that wealth carries responsibility, Miss Standish. A responsibility to use it wisely. And they just want to… use it.
MADISON
Okay, well, I’ll pass all this on to Miss Bryant when she has one of her lucid moments.
JOSHUA
Thank you.
MADISON
Of course, if you want some free advice outside of her billable hours, buy your sons everything they want and they won’t try to kill you. Unconditional love doesn’t come cheap.
SCENE TWO
JUD
Uh… Madison?
MADISON
What?!
JUD
Do you want me to answer that?
MADISON
No! Don’t touch it!
JUD
What exactly are you doing under the desk?
MADISON
I’m trying to turn this stupid ringer off! OW!
JUD
Are you all right?
MADISON
The damn phone shocked me. I think it did it on purpose. We’re closed!
JUD
Well, at least now I know why I haven’t been able to get through to the office in two days.
MADISON
I can’t believe how many calls Miss Bryant gets. Does she have ads on the back of busses offering to fight DUIs?
JUD
No. But I’m glad I offered to stop by and pick up her messages.
MADISON
Yeah, congrats, you get “Boyfriend of the Year” because you drove across town. If you picked up your towel from the bathroom floor this morning, you could get Sainthood.
JUD
Does she have any messages or did the phones interrupt your eight hour lunch break?
MADISON
Well, before I could lock the doors, some old dude stopped by. A, uh… “Joshua Masters.”
JUD
Masters? He’s kind of a screwball.
MADISON
No arguments here. He thinks his sons are trying to kill him.
JUD
Yeah, that’s not surprising. I know quite a bit about him and his family. The boys are always mixed up in some scandal. Always expensive to get out of and the old man pays the fare.
MADISON
Mmm. Hush money to porn stars.
JUD
I don’t know specifics, but the story got out about how every time one of the boys had been in trouble, someone had given an anonymous contribution to some charity — a big contribution. I chased down the story for the Dispatch. It was old man Masters. Whatever the current scandal payoff cost, he’d give an equal amount to charity. Some screwy idea of dollar-for-dollar, good-for-evil, that sort of thing. He gets tickets for speeding and goes through the same routine.
MADISON
Ah, yeah. It’s like Catholics and confession. Rich people spend all year screwing over employees, destroying the environment, undermining our democracy, and then write one check at a charity gala and it’s “Father, son, holy ghost absolved of all sins.” OH. MY. GAWD!
JUD
Let me get it. Martha Ellis Bryant’s office… Oh, hello, Steve. It’s the Dispatch for me.
MADISON
Great. Now you’re having your calls forwarded here? I demand a raise.
JUD
I can’t hear him. Say that again, Steve?… All right… Yeah, 1802 Sandalwood Drive. I got it. Who’s place is it?… It is?… Well, all right, I’m on my way. There’s been a killing at 1802 Sandalwood Drive. I got to get over there. You wanna go along?
MADISON
Am I still on the clock?
JUD
Well, I think this could be considered research for Marty. Eh, Miss Bryant.
MADISON
How is it research?
JUD
1802 Sandalwood Drive is the home of Joshua Masters.
MADISON
No freakin’ way! Okay, one sec! Hello, you’ve reached the office of Martha Ellis Bryant. Unfortunately, she is unable to take your call right now. Whatever dumbass thing you’ve done that requires a lawyer, you’ll have to call somebody else.
JUD
Why do you presume if they need a lawyer, they’ve done something… Dumb?
MADISON
That’s why I always need a lawyer.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Dude! This house is sick! Okay, old man’s dead so the sons inherit. Gotta submit the will to the probate court, have them appoint an executor, settle any outstanding debts and then the legal transfer of assets to the beneficiaries.
JUD
You sure you’re not a lawyer?
MADISON
Shh. I’m trying to figure out how long I’ve got to nab one of the sons so I can benefit from the inheritance.
JUD
How romantic.
MADISON
Don’t you call my kettle black, newspaper boy. You marry a lawyer and you’ll get a pretty nice lifestyle upgrade.
JUD
That’s not at all why I’m dating Marty! She’s brilliant, caring, compassionate–
MADISON
I’m not condemning you, I’m congratulating you.
SERGEANT
Sorry, folks, this area is under police investigation.
JUD
It’s all right Sergeant, I’m press.
SERGEANT
Oh, all right, then.
LEDIS
C’mon, boys, move aside. The photographer’s gotta take some pictures of the body. Ah, hello, Jud.
JUD
Hi, Ed.
LEDIS
Well, who’s this? You’re not steppin’ out on Marty, are ya?
JUD
Not hardly, Ed. Meet Madison Standish. Madison, Lieutenant Ledis.
LEDIS
Good to meet you, Miss Standish. You a lawyer, too?
MADISON
Why? Do I look boring?
JUD
Madison’s working for Marty while she’s ill.
LEDIS
Well, send Marty my regards. Hey! Get outta there! The photographer is trying to take pictures!
MADISON
I know. That’s why I’m giving him H to T and working my angles.
JUD
What’s the story, Ed?
LEDIS
One of those messy family affairs. Inside job.
JUD
You got any leads?
LEDIS
Ah, you know, Jud. Arrest within twenty-four hours.
JUD
One of the boys, huh?
LEDIS
Yep.
JUD
Which one? Do you know yet?
LEDIS
Sure we know. It was David.
MADISON
Which one’s David so I can mark him off my list? I’m not the type to wait for a guy who goes to prison. But I will stay friends with conjugal visits.
JUD
I’m impressed by your loyalty.
MADISON
My loyalty is to me. Commit the crime, do the time, but I’m not givin’ up my prime.
JUD
So, Ed, you’re gonna arrest him right away?
LEDIS
Arrest who?
JUD
David.
LEDIS
Arrest him? How can we arrest him? He’s dead.
MADISON
Wait, David’s the one who’s dead? I thought it was the old dude.
JUD
Well, look down. Who are you standing over?
MADISON
Huh. I have no idea. Never seen this guy before. This one’s David?
LEDIS
Yes.
MADISON
Oh, well, no loss. He’s not that cute anyway. I mean, it’s a little hard to tell with a bullet in his brain but…
LEDIS
Why did you think it was Joshua Masters?
JUD
It’s a long story, Ed. So, what happened?
LEDIS
Well, all I’m sure of right now is, Gordon Masters came into the library this morning.
MADISON
Gordon. Which one is he?
LEDIS
The youngest.
MADISON
Cute?
LEDIS
I couldn’t say. Gordon found his brother, David, lying on the floor dead. Been shot sometime last night with a .44 caliber gun.
JUD
You found the weapon?
LEDIS
No. The medical examiner says that it was a .44. And the old man’s .44 was missing from his locked desk drawer. He says he can’t account for it.
MADISON
So, who did it?
LEDIS
Sorry, but I can’t make any official statements.
JUD
All right, unofficially, Ed. Not for publication.
MADISON
You can totally trust me. I got some pretty compromising pics of Ryan Reynolds with Hugh Jackman, and I never once posted them on my socials. Those are in Madison’s private collection. Tasty.
LEDIS
Right. Well, I think that Joshua Masters knows where the gun is.
JUD
Has he got a motive?
LEDIS
He had a quarrel with David yesterday.
JUD
That could be a motive.
LEDIS
The only fly in that ointment is the fact that he was always quarreling with one or the other of the boys.
MADISON
Yeah. When I was talkin’ to the old dude, he was all down on his sons but I was thinkin’– Hey. You’re the one who raised them. Own the blame.
JUD
So, where is Joshua Masters now, Ed?
LEDIS
He’s in the library.
JUD
I wonder if he’d want to make a statement to the press.
LEDIS
I don’t know. You can ask him. He’s a free citizen… so far.
JUD
Thanks, Ed, I think I will. Come on, Madison.
LEDIS
Good seein’ ya, Jud. My best to Marty. Bye, Miss Standish.
JUD
See ya.
MADISON
Later.
JUD
Well, what do you think of this development, Madison?
MADISON
I only got two brothers to work with now. ‘Cuz I’m won’t go for the old dude. I tried that arrangement once. I’m not ready to accept the vast expanse of wrinkles that besets an old man’s junk.
JUD
I meant, aren’t you surprised that not only is Joshua Masters alive, but he’s also a killer?
MADISON
I’m more surprised I wasn’t phased by that dead guy. You know how people who like beer say it’s an “acquired taste?” It starts out like drinking water from a hose that has been sitting in the sun all summer to actually tasting tolerable? I think I’ve reached the tolerable stage of seeing dead bodies. I don’t like it, but I don’t hate it.
JOSHUA
Well, Miss Standish, I’m surprised to see you here. Have you been able to reach Miss Bryant for me?
MADISON
Still pukin’ her guts out, right, Jud?
JUD
Uh… yes. She’s still unwell.
MADISON
This is her boyfriend, Jud.
JOSHUA
Hello.
JUD
Jud Barnes. Reporter for the Dispatch. Glad to know you, Mr. Masters.
MADISON
Bummer about David. Guess he wasn’t the one trying to kill you.
JOSHUA
I suppose. I’m sorry I can’t feel more grief than I do. My sons have been a great disappointment to me.
MADISON
Did you ever spend any time with them growin’ up? Throw a ball around, go on a camping trip? Anything?
JOSHUA
I’m… sorry?
JUD
Do you have any idea who may be responsible for this, Mr. Masters?
JOSHUA
No, I haven’t. I wish I knew. That detective, Ledis, he suspects me.
MADISON
But you didn’t do it, right?
JOSHUA
No! Do you suppose if he should charge me with murder, Miss Bryant would be my lawyer and represent me?
MADISON
Probably. I think I’ve managed to alienate most of her clients, so I bet she’ll be looking for work.
JUD
I’ll make sure Miss Bryant is notified if it comes to that, Mr. Masters.
JOSHUA
Thank you.
MADISON
So… I guess your sons won’t be inheriting your estate any time soon… You… uh… dating anyone, Joshua?
JUD
Madison!
MADISON
It might be doable if the lights are off!
SCENE FOUR
JUD
Well, Lieutenant Ledis’ twenty-four hours is almost up. I wonder if he’s made an arrest yet.
MADISON
Frankly, I don’t buy that it was the old dude. Why kill his son when he could just write him out of the will?
JUD
Crime of passion?
MADISON
I hope not. I learned the hard way that’s a reason, not an excuse. I really am lucky my dad has some good lawyers.
JUD
Hello, Ed.
LEDIS
Good morning, Jud. Miss Standish.
MADISON
So, what’s the tea, Lieutenant?
LEDIS
Pardon?
JUD
Anything new in the Masters’ case?
LEDIS
Yup, we found the gun.
JUD
No kidding. When?
LEDIS
About ten minutes ago.
JUD
Well, who had it?
LEDIS
Joshua Masters.
MADISON
Seriously? He really doesn’t seem the type. I think you need to get some FBI profilers in here. Mmmm… maybe Shemar Moore… tasty.
JUD
So it really was Joshua Masters who had the gun?
LEDIS
Yeah, it was lying right beside him.
MADISON
Wait, what?
LEDIS
Joshua Masters committed suicide with it at eight o’clock this morning.
MADISON
Daymn. I’m so blindsided by that, I need Sandra Bullock to adopt me.
ANNOUNCER
In just a moment, we will continue with act two of tonight’s “Defense Attorney” story.
PROMO BREAK: BLAZED ALL OUR LIVES
SCENE FIVE
ANNOUNCER
And now we continue with act two of tonight’s story of, “Defense Attorney”.
MADISON
Yup. Lookin’ right at the dead old dude and it’s not phasing me. Too bad I didn’t feel this comfortable around dead people before my grandfather’s funeral. If they don’t want people vomiting in the coffin, they shouldn’t make it open casket.
JUD
So, I guess this wraps up your case, huh, Ed?
LEDIS
Pretty cut and dry.
JUD
Even though Joshua Masters told Madison he had a suspicion his sons were trying to kill him?
MADISON
Yeah, what about all of those near fatal accidents? One you can dismiss. Two you’ve got bad luck. But three you better check your arch-nemesis list.
JUD
Arch-nemesis… list?
MADISON
Mine’s four pages.
LEDIS
Meh. Old people are always figuring that someone is trying to get them out of the way.
MADISON
Hey, I know a persecution complex when I see one. And no one’s gonna tell me that drivers’ ed car drove up on the sidewalk by accident. I know the members of the Math Club all too well.
LEDIS
Be that as it may, I also couldn’t get one direct answer from Joshua Masters yesterday.
MADISON
Caught him in a lie?
LEDIS
No, but I didn’t catch him in the truth, either.
MADISON
Did you give him a lie detector test?
LEDIS
Under the circumstances, I hardly thought it necessary.
MADISON
Fun fact, did you know the self proclaimed “Father of the Polygraph,” William Moulton Marston, was also the creator of “Wonder Woman?” It makes sense, right? Her “Lasso of Truth.” Huh?
LEDIS
Well, there is plenty of evidence, Miss Standish. Joshua Masters’ fingerprints were on the handle of the gun. There was the presence of powder burns on his head, and, along with the angle of the bullet’s path, it all points to a suicide with the same gun that killed David.
JUD
That’s pretty strong evidence, Madison.
MADISON
But, doesn’t it feel a bit too pitch perfect? I think this whole thing has been auto-tuned.
LEDIS
Look, Miss Standish, I like it this way. Joshua Masters thought one of his sons was trying to get him out of the way. For some reason he figured it was David. David argues with him about it, and the old man shoots him. Then, in remorse over having shot his son, he takes the gun and kills himself. Isn’t that logic?
JUD
So, that’s the story then, Ed? I want to call it in to the Dispatch.
MADISON
What about the will? He talked about wanting Miss Bryant to change it. She was sick, but he might’ve found somebody else to do it. Do you know who’s gonna inherit the estate?
JUD
Still shopping for an heir, Madison?
MADISON
Have you checked in on Miss Bryant lately? Because failing to take care of a sick girlfriend will cost you your good-boyfriend karma.
LEDIS
We haven’t checked on the will just yet. But I don’t think we’ll find out anything new. Chances are the boys will inherit everything. I was just about to question them now.
MADISON
Ooo, can I watch?
JUD
Don’t forget to invite me to the wedding.
MADISON
I presume by then you’ll be going stag?
LEDIS
If you two can both hold your tongues for a few minutes, I’ll let you listen to the questioning. Sergeant?
SERGEANT
Yes, Lieutenant?
LEDIS
Send Ralph and Gordon Masters in here, please.
SERGEANT
Right away.
MADISON
I still think suicide is a super convenient excuse here. He even said he didn’t feel grief over losing David.
JUD
Maybe he lied to hide his feelings.
MADISON
No, I believe him. He was a pretty crappy dad.
RALPH
Did you want me, Lieutenant?
LEDIS
Yeah, I got a few questions I wanna ask you as soon as your brother gets here. Sit down.
RALPH
Look, let’s get one thing straight. Just because my father killed David and then shot himself, is no reason for you to start tossing orders around here. You’re in my home and when I’m ready, I’ll ask you to sit down.
MADISON
Just for clarification, are you the middle son or the youngest son?
RALPH
I’m Ralph. And, thanks to my father, I’m now the oldest.
MADISON
Ooo. Marcia is dead and Jan finally takes over as top Brady daughter.
RALPH
What?
MADISON
Marcia, Marcia, Marcia.
LEDIS
A little touchy there, Ralph?
RALPH
Why wouldn’t I be? I just lost one brother and my father.
GORDON
Take it easy, Ralph. Sensitivity isn’t a characteristic of the police department, you know. Well, hello. Who might you be?
MADISON
Madison Standish. You’re Gordon, huh? The youngest? Tasty.
GORDON
Nice to meet you, Madison. What do you want now, Lieutenant? I thought Dad committed suicide and that’s that.
LEDIS
This isn’t a suicide until the coroner says so, and he won’t say so until I finish my investigation, and I won’t finish my investigation until you answer a few more questions.
RALPH
That’s all we’ve done for the past few days.
LEDIS
Yeah, well, we can wind this up today, right now. I want to know who stands to inherit the most from the estate.
RALPH
Why do you ask that?
LEDIS
Because I wanna know.
RALPH
Look, don’t get out of line, Lieutenant–
GORDON
I can answer that, Lieutenant.
MADISON
It’s you, isn’t it, Gordon? Did I mention I was a cheerleader and a gymnast?
JUD
Madison, why don’t you put away your “for sale” sign so the lieutenant can ask his questions.
MADISON
My sign is, “open twenty-four hours”.
GORDON
Really?
LEDIS
Gordon. You were saying.
GORDON
Oh, yes, Lieutenant. The money was to be divided equally among the family. The three of us.
LEDIS
Did your father ever feel like he was being picked on or abused?
GORDON
He certainly did.
LEDIS
When did you notice it?
GORDON
Every time we asked for a dime.
MADISON
O.M.G.! My dad, too! Did you get all that, “Money doesn’t grow on trees.” “What do you need it for?” “Why is the senator saying it was your fault?”
RALPH
Yeah, that’s right. He was pretty tight with his dough.
JUD
From what I hear, you were pretty loose with it.
MADISON
Your lawyer-girlfriend buy you that suit?
RALPH
What does this have to do with us, Lieutenant?
LEDIS
Miss Standish here can explain it. Go ahead, Miss Standish.
MADISON
So, I work for Martha Ellis Bryant. She’s a defense attorney and your dad came to see her the other day when I was there. He was majorly P.O.ed at you guys.
RALPH
Meh. That’s nothing new.
MADISON
Yeah, but he wanted to write you outta the will faster than conservatives want to write critical race theory outta the history books.
GORDON
Any change he made wouldn’t hold up after killing David and committing suicide. He was losing his mind, not capable of handling his affairs.
MADISON
I’m good at… handling affairs.
GORDON
Maybe you should handle my affairs.
MADISON
I’m really good at… dictation.
JUD
All right, Madison, we… need to go.
LEDIS
So long, Jud.
MADISON
Yeah, so long, Jud.
JUD
Madison. We’re leaving.
MADISON
Gordon will drive me home. Won’t you, Gordon?
JUD
You’re still on the clock, remember?
MADISON
I’m punched out.
JUD
Madison!
GORDON
It’s all right if you have to go. We can talk later.
MADISON
Call me?
JUD
I thought you don’t like to answer the telephone.
LEDIS
Give my best to Marty, Jud.
MADISON
You and I are gonna have a serious one sided conversation when we get to the car.
JUD
Sorry, Madison, but I thought you were getting in over your head.
MADISON
Way to bling block me.
JUD
Pardon?
MADISON
He was flirting! All that inheritance and everything that goes with it… it was in my reach! And you shut it down! Bling blocked.
JUD
So which side are you on? First you say Joshua Masters didn’t have reason to commit suicide, now with Gordon Masters plugging the murder/suicide theory, you’re all on board.
MADISON
Gordon made a very valid argument.
JUD
Be that as it may, are you working for Miss Bryant or not?
MADISON
Until I get that call from Gordon and become a rich woman of leisure, yes.
JUD
In that case, I believe I know Marty fairly well. And I believe that she’d want to defend Joshua Masters.
MADISON
From what? He’s dead.
JUD
Alive or dead, he’s still being accused of murder.
MADISON
Have you been drinking the ink from the printing press?
JUD
Come on. We owe it to Marty to at least gather all of the facts so she has a case.
MADISON
You’re really are sucking up to her, aren’t cha?
JUD
I’m working on that “good-boyfriend” karma. It goes a long way. Longer than, say… an inheritance.
MADISON
Poor people always say things like that and then spend half their paychecks on lottery tickets.
SCENE SIX
JUD
Let’s start with the facts we have. David and Joshua Masters are dead.
MADISON
And both of the surviving sons stand to inherit the estate.
JUD
That would make your new boyfriend a murderer.
MADISON
Pure speculation. I demand it stricken from the record!
JUD
Pure motivation, though.
MADISON
But the police only found Joshua Masters’ fingerprints on the handle of the gun.
JUD
Another fact.
MADISON
But…
JUD
But what?
MADISON
But… Ralph could’ve put his dad’s hand on the gun after he was dead.
JUD
Ralph? Not Gordon?
MADISON
You saw how uncooperative Ralph was when the lieutenant was questioning him.
JUD
It’s an interesting theory. That would result in Gordon inheriting all of the estate.
MADISON
It would only be fair.
JUD
But you wanna tell me how you can prove either one of the sons put Joshua Masters’ fingerprints on the gun?
MADISON
No camera surveillance, no DNA testing…
JUD
Maybe over a candlelight dinner you could ask Gordon for a murder confession. Hang on!
MADISON
O.M.G.! That dog ran right out into the street!
JUD
He came from nowhere. He’s lucky I saw him.
MADISON
You grabbed the steering wheel so tight you left sweaty fingerprints.
JUD
Well, excuse me. I’m sorry I’m not a driver from the Indianapolis 500.
MADISON
No! You just totally gave me an idea! We gotta go back and see the lieutenant!
JUD
Madison, we have to go meet Marty. She’s expecting us.
MADISON
You said she was gonna represent Joshua Masters if he was accused of murder, living or dead, right?
JUD
Well–
MADISON
And you said I had to gather the facts of the case for her to be able to represent him, right?
JUD
Yes, but–
MADISON
I think proof that Joshua Masters didn’t kill himself or his son might be important to her case, right?
JUD
Proof? Come on, Madison–
MADISON
Do you want the good boyfriend-karma or not?
JUD
Hang on, we’re turning around.
MADISON
Ya know, you’ve been givin’ me a hard time, but every decision you’ve made since I met you has been to make sure your fabulous defense attorney girlfriend doesn’t kick you out of her bedroom.
JUD
What?! That’s… that’s–
MADISON
That’s the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help your hornyness.
SCENE SEVEN
LEDIS
Madison, this is sure going to start something new in the checking of suicides. I just wouldn’t’ve thought of it, but there they are.
MADISON
Well, when I was hanging out with George Valentine, someone pressed my fingerprints onto a knife and I was accused of murder. I’ve grown so much since then. Like, now I can drive without power steering. I’ve definitely cut down on the number of accidents I cause each week to single digits.
LEDIS
Uh, huh. No doubt about it, we came pretty close to making a bad mistake. I’ll get the sergeant and bring Ralph Masters in.
JUD
Just a minute, Ed. Suppose they were both in this thing together.
MADISON
You really want it to be Gordon, don’t cha?
LEDIS
Yeah, I guess it could be Gordon. We won’t know till we run the fingerprints. You got any suggestions, Jud?
JUD
If you bring them in here together, we can watch their reactions.
MADISON
Remember, Ralph was being pretty shady last time. Ralph. Yeah, I don’t think we can trust that Ralph.
JUD
Sounds like you’re trying to sway the jury.
MADISON
If the fingerprint don’t fit, you must acquit.
LEDIS
I think that’s a good idea. Let’s get the sergeant to bring them in. Sergeant?
SERGEANT
Yes, sir?
LEDIS
Have Gordon and Ralph Masters come in here, will ya?
SERGEANT
Very good.
MADISON
When they get here, let me talk to them.
JUD
The way you’ve been throwing yourself at Gordon? You think that’s a good idea?
LEDIS
Yeah, Miss Standish. Ya know, they’ve already killed twice.
JUD
If the third time’s a charm, I’ll have a great story for the Dispatch.
MADISON
I’m gonna tell Martha everything you’ve said to me. I’ll throw so much shade it’ll be like a solar eclipse and she won’t be able to look at you.
RALPH
How much more of this pointless questioning do we have to put up with?
GORDON
Maybe they’ve finally decided it was suicide. Have you, Lieutenant?
LEDIS
Not yet. Miss Standish here has something to say.
GORDON
Oh, Miss Standish, I didn’t see you there. A terrible oversight on my part.
MADISON
Call me Madison.
JUD
Madison!
MADISON
I wasn’t talking to you.
LEDIS
Miss Standish, you were going to speak as a representative of Martha Ellis Bryant?
RALPH
The attorney? What’s she got to do with this? Is it something to do with the old man’s will?
GORDON
Aw, you don’t have any bad news about the will, do you, Madison?
MADISON
Well…
JUD
Madison.
MADISON
Jud. Okay, so, I talked to your dad two days ago and he told me that he thought one of his sons was trying to kill him.
RALPH
He did, did he?
GORDON
That was probably why he killed David. He found out that he was the one.
MADISON
Yeah, but when we talked to your dad yesterday, he said he didn’t kill David and was afraid that he’d be accused of killing David.
JUD
And I told him that if he was charged with murder, Miss Bryant would defend him.
RALPH
What’s this got to do with us?
GORDON
Because he has been charged with murder.
RALPH
So, what? He’s dead. He committed suicide.
MADISON
But he probably didn’t though.
GORDON
Madison, are you suggesting my father was murdered?
MADISON
Not by you!
RALPH
Oh? By me, then? What are you talking about? Only his fingerprints were on the gun handle.
LEDIS
Yes, they are, and one of you put them there.
RALPH
What?
GORDON
Madison, what is the lieutenant talking about?
MADISON
Well, when your dad’s hand was pressed around the gun to leave his fingerprints on it, the killer also left his own fingerprints.
RALPH
But only my father’s fingerprints were found on the gun. You said that yourself, Lieutenant.
MADISON
Yeah, they’re not on the gun. They’re on your dad’s hand. On his fingernails.
RALPH
You lie.
MADISON
I do. Often. But not about this.
GORDON
Ralph, you killed David and Dad?
RALPH
Oh, so that’s how it’s gonna be? All right, Lieutenant, those are my fingerprints.
MADISON
Yay! I knew it wasn’t you, Gordon!
RALPH
But! Gordon killed David.
MADISON
Dammit.
GORDON
Yeah? Go ahead and prove it. You’re not gonna find my fingerprints there.
MADISON
Good point! Arrest Ralph, Lieutenant.
RALPH
But you’ll find the key to my father’s desk drawer where he kept his gun in Gordon’s bedroom.
JUD
Looks like they’re both guilty.
LEDIS
And both under arrest. Sergeant!
SERGEANT
Yes, Lieutenant?
LEDIS
Sergeant, get a couple of patrolman in here will you?
GORDON
Madison, you don’t believe I had anything to do with this, do you?
MADISON
Of course I do. I have terrible taste in men.
GORDON
Okay, fine. But I won’t go down easy.
JUD
He’s got a gun!
MADISON
Yeah, we established that when Ralph said Gordon had the key to his dad’s desk.
JUD
And now he’s pointing it at us.
MADISON
Seriously, Gordon?
GORDON
I said don’t anybody move! I’m leaving.
LEDIS
Just calm down, Gordon.
RALPH
Gordon! Don’t be a fool!
GORDON
I knew you were weak, Ralph. You can go to jail, but I’m getting outta here! I’m gonna kill anybody that tries to stop me!
MADISON
But the sergeant is right behind you.
GORDON
What?! Ahh!
JUD
Good shooting, Ed!
LEDIS
Yeah. Thanks for distracting him, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Geez! I thought maybe somebody would tackle him or knock the gun outta his hand! But you straight up shot him!
RALPH
Is he dead?
LEDIS
Yeah, yeah, he’s dead. And now here’s the sergeant to take you to jail.
RALPH
If you’d stayed out of it, Madison, Gordon would still be alive and we’d both be sitting pretty.
MADISON
And if it weren’t for me, my parents wouldn’t have a trashed credit score.
LEDIS
All right, let’s get him outta here.
SERGEANT
Come along, Masters.
LEDIS
Thanks for everything, Jud. Miss Standish.
JUD
All that over a little money.
MADISON
It wasn’t over a little money. It was over a big money.
JUD
Would you really have gone for Gordon just for his dough?
MADISON
A hot guy with money to take me away from all this? It’s what every girl dreams of. And it’s not shallow. Disney has been feeding us the “poor girl marries a prince” troupe for decades. It’s “Prince Charming” not “Minimum Wage Charming.”
JUD
I guess I’m lucky I have Marty.
MADISON
You mean “Princess Charming?”
JUD
She doesn’t make that much money as a lawyer. She defends the defenseless.
MADISON
Whatever self delusion works for you, sweetie.
JUD
Hey, now, I love Marty and–
MADISON
Dude, a bit of advice. If you’re gonna marry a lawyer, and a 1950’s female lawyer at that, get used to losing arguments. Your response should always be, candy, flowers, wine and shut up.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Defense Attorney,” also sometimes called “The Defense Rests,” ran on ABC from July 1951 through December 1952. Unfortunately, the bulk of the episodes no longer exist. We only found a total of five! The show originally starred Mercedes McCambridge who was once touted by Orson Welles as the “world’s greatest living radio actress.” And, from her work on the show, she was made an honorary member of the Los Angles Women’s Bar Association. However, the series focused more on the female attorney solving crimes with her boyfriend than it did with her litigating in a courtroom. But her sharp wit and ability to outsmart the men around her, provided 1950’s audiences with a strong female lead.