MADISON ON THE AIR: “WAR OF THE WORLDS”

ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JUN 2022

SCENE ONE

VINTAGE VIDEO CLIP
“We start the film on the night of Friday, June 13th, 1958. The counselors are all singing a song together in a cabin and we get a P.O.V. shot moving through a cabin full of younger kids sleeping. I thought it was odd that the boys and girls are in the same cabin. Yeah, that is a little weird. You know, the P.O.V. shot obviously inspired by ‘Halloween’–“

MADISON
What the hell? Come on you stupid player. I only downloaded so many podcasts before I got zapped back into these old timey radio shows. Don’t stop working now!

VINTAGE VIDEO CLIP
“–a pair of counselors sneak off to an empty cabin to have sex and the P.O.V. finds them there and very quickly dispatches both of them. Stabs the boy in the chest–“

MADISON
If I can’t watch a good scary Halloween horror film — because I’m sorry, but 1930’s horror is absolutely lacking in the blood and gore department — then at least I can listen to “Vintage Video Podcast” talking about a good scary Halloween horror film.

VINTAGE VIDEO CLIP
“But it’s that way in the script.”

MADISON
Aw, man! What kind of tech support can I get in the 1930’s? “Have you tried un-inventing it and re-inventing it again?”

ANNOUNCER
We know now that in the early years of the twentieth century, this world was being watched closely by intelligences greater than man’s, and yet, as mortal as his own.

MADISON
What the heck is this?

ANNOUNCER
We now know that as human beings busied themselves about their various concerns, they were scrutinized and studied, perhaps almost as narrowly as a man with a microscope might scrutinize the transient creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water. With infinite complacence people went to and fro over the earth about their little affairs, serene in the assurance of their dominion over this small, spinning fragment of solar driftwood which, by chance or design, man has inherited out of the dark mystery of Time and Space.

MADISON
Is this a science podcast? I never downloaded any science podcasts. After I was forced to learn all of the planets and then they got rid of Pluto, and then they came back and said dinosaurs had feathers, I couldn’t believe anything my science teachers ever taught me.

ANNOUNCER
In the thirty-ninth year of the twentieth century came the great disillusionment.

VINTAGE VIDEO CLIP
“–Camp Crystal Lake, which they, a couple of them, refer to as Camp Blood– but they basically force a trucker to take her. Yeah, I mean, not that he seems so upset about having to drive, like, a young girl to this camp.”

MADISON
It’s back. Hmm. Maybe Vintage Video had a glitch when they uploaded the episode?

PATRICK
Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt our podcast to bring you a special bulletin.

MADISON
Who interrupts a podcast? These things are prerecorded.

PATRICK
At twenty minutes before eight, central time, Professor Farrell of the Mount Jennings Observatory, Chicago, Illinois, reports observing several explosions of incandescent gas, occurring at regular intervals, on the planet Mars. The spectroscope indicates the gas to be hydrogen and moving towards the earth with enormous velocity.

MADISON
Okay, guys, ha, ha. This your Halloween gag or something?

PATRICK
Professor Pierson of the Griffith Park Observatory confirms Farrell’s observations, and describes the phenomenon as, quote, “like a jet of blue flame shot from a gun,” unquote.

MADISON
So Mars just farted in the direction of Earth. High-larious. Let me just try to skip ahead.

VINTAGE VIDEO CLIP
“–it’s bad luck. There’s a curse on the place and you shouldn’t go there. It’s like you just told me not to believe that guy and you’re corroborating everything he said. Um, we just like to hurt his confidence in front of him. Yeah–“

MADISON
Okay, got it back.

PATRICK
Ladies and gentlemen, following on the news given in our bulletin a moment ago, the Government Meteorological Bureau has requested the large observatories of the country to keep an astronomical watch on any further disturbances occurring on the planet Mars.

MADISON
Seriously? You guys are quickly slipping away from a five star review here.

PATRICK
Due to the unusual nature of this occurrence, we have arranged an interview with a noted astronomer, Professor Pierson, who will give us his views on this event. In a few moments we will take you to the Griffith Park Observatory in Los Angeles, California.

MADISON
Griffith Park Observatory? I haven’t been there since my high school field trip. I remember Buzz started a knife fight with Jim to impress Judy… no, wait. That was “Rebel Without a Cause.”

PATRICK
We return you until then to “Vintage Video Podcast.”

MADISON
Maybe later, guys. Huh. I really don’t remember the last time I was up there. It’s 1938. The place’s gotta be what? A couple years old? Might be interesting. Wow. I just thought going to the observatory would be interesting. Boredom, thy name is 1938.

SCENE TWO

MADISON
Would you look at this place? It’s so new! Holy crap! The air is… clean! I think I’m getting lightheaded from the lack of pollution.

CARL
C’mon, hurry. Get that equipment set up. We’re live with the interview in five minutes.

PROF. PIERSON
Mr. Phillips, where would you care for me to stand?

CARL
We’re setting up in the room with the telescope. That way you can give us up-to-the-moment observations.

PROF. PIERSON
Fine. Fine.

CARL
Why is the portable transmitter just sitting on the lawn? Hello?! They had to saddle me with the overnight crew. There’s not a full brain between them. You! Girlie!

MADISON
Me?

CARL
Why are you just standing there? What are you supposed to be doing?

MADISON
Uh–

CARL
Take that transmitter into the telescope room.

MADISON
Oh, absolutely, right away! I’ll do like I did when that woman in the Costco parking lot thought I worked there and demanded I load her living room chair into her SUV. There was denting, scraping of metal, and the loss of her back bumper.

SCENE THREE

CARL
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Carl Phillips, speaking to you from the Griffith Park Observatory. I am standing in a large semi-circular room, pitch black except for an oblong split in the ceiling. Through this opening, I can see a sprinkling of stars that cast a kind of frosty glow over the intricate mechanism of the huge telescope. Who did that?!

MADISON
Sorry! But it is pitch black in here.

CARL
Professor Pierson stands directly above me on a small platform, peering through the giant lens. Professor, may I begin our questions?

PROF. PIERSON
At any time, Mr. Phillips.

CARL
Professor, would you please tell our radio audience exactly what you see as you observe the planet Mars through your telescope?

PROF. PIERSON
Nothing unusual at the moment, Mr. Phillips. Mars can be viewed as a red disk with transverse stripes across it.

CARL
In your opinion, what do these transverse stripes signify, Professor Pierson?

PROF. PIERSON
Not canals, I can assure you. Although, that is the popular conjecture of those who imagine Mars to be inhabited. From a scientific viewpoint, the stripes are merely the result of atmospheric conditions peculiar to the planet.

MADISON
Actually, the stripes are just astronomers looking through telescopes and imagining patterns in everything they see, which is our tendency as human beings.

PROF. PIERSON
Indeed?

MADISON
Sure. That’s why we see faces in stuff. O.M.G. I had to stop drinking pumpkin spice lattes when every one of them had a face in the foam. I found out later the cute barista guy was doing that on purpose to get my attention, but by then I’d already held a seance at the Starbucks. And after the blood sacrifice, the manager banned me from the store all the way through Peppermint Mocha season.

CARL
To continue. You’re quite convinced, Professor Pierson, that living intelligence as we know it does not exist on Mars?

PROF. PIERSON
I’d say the chances against it are a thousand to one.

CARL
And yet, how do you account for these gas eruptions occurring on the surface of the planet?

MADISON
How do you jump from gas eruptions to “intelligent life”?

CARL
The eruptions are coming at regular intervals.

MADISON
Uh, “Old Faithful” anyone? Dude, I fell asleep in like, nine out of ten of my science classes, but I still know more about this stuff than you… Carl.

CARL
Exactly what is your job at the station?

MAN
We just received this message, Professor.

PROF. PIERSON
Ah, yes, thank you.

CARL
Just a moment, ladies and gentlemen, someone has handed Professor Pierson a message. Professor, may I read the message to the listening audience?

MADISON
Not if your reading skills are anything like your science skills.

PROF. PIERSON
Certainly, Mr. Phillips.

CARL
Ladies and gentlemen, I shall read you a wire addressed to Professor Pierson from Dr. Gray of the National History Museum, New York. Quote, “9:15 P.M. eastern standard time. Seismograph registered shock of almost earthquake intensity occurring within a radius of twenty miles of Los Angeles. Please investigate. Signed, Lloyd Gray, Chief of Astronomical Division,” unquote. Professor Pierson, could this occurrence possibly have something to do with the disturbances observed on the planet Mars?

MADISON
It’s an earthquake in L.A.! If you’re going to blame that on “Martians” you might as well blame them for the traffic on the 405!

CARL
I was addressing Professor Pierson.

PROF. PIERSON
Well, she’s not wrong. About it not likely being Martians, that is.

CARL
Thank you, Professor. Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve been speaking to you from the Griffith Park Observatory, bringing you a special interview with Professor Pierson, noted astronomer. This is Carl Phillips speaking. We are returning you now to the “Vintage Video Podcast.”

MAN
And… we’re out.

CARL
Tell me your name so I can fire you!

MADISON
You can’t fire me because I quit! Which, actually, I don’t recommend. Always let them fire you. You can’t collect unemployment if you quit.

PROF. PIERSON
Calm down, Mr. Phillips. This young lady has a keen eye for science.

MADISON
I credit “Beakman’s World” for that.

CARL
And as for you, I thought you’d give us some insight into life on Mars, Professor, but all you did was deny it! And then we get this message about an earthquake which you could’ve said was a… meteorite or something, but instead you agree with this… girl. What a waste of my time and journalistic talents. All right! Let’s pack it up!

PROF. PIERSON
What is your name, young lady?

MADISON
Madison Standish. S’up. Hey, can I look through your telescope?

PROF. PIERSON
Of course.

MADISON
My brother had a telescope when we were growing up. I thought I was gonna catch him using it to spy on one of my girlfriends who lived next door, but instead, he just tapped into her webcam and streamed her bedroom live. He was headhunted by Mark Zuckerberg.

PROF. PIERSON
Can you see the Red Planet?

MADISON
Oh, yeah! That is ah-mazing! I’m really looking at Mars?

PROF. PIERSON
Indeed. You are viewing the surface of Mars some fifty-four million kilometers away from Earth.

MADISON
You know I’m an American and kilometers means nothing to me, right?

PROF. PIERSON
Approximately thirty-three million miles.

MADISON
Mmm… yeah, that doesn’t help me, either. Let’s just say “really far.”

PROF. PIERSON
Yes. Let’s describe the vastness of space simply as “really far.”

MADISON
Ooo! Hey! I just saw one of those eruptions!

PROF. PIERSON
Merely a natural phenomenon generated by the planet’s molten core. You see, Mars is more primitive than Earth, so it’s still stabilizing–

MADISON
Dude! I just saw a huge flash of light! It looked like the pyrotechnics from the last Stones concert I went to where Keith Richards caught on fire. Thankfully he’s a cyborg now, so he just kept on playing. What’s that?

PROF. PIERSON
The Astronomical Event Warning Alarm.

MADISON
Whoa! Look at that streak of green light in the sky!

PROF. PIERSON
You’re looking at Mars. You mean, “on the planet.”

MADISON
No, in the sky. Our sky. I saw it through the opening in the ceiling without the telescope.

PROF. PIERSON
What?

MADISON
Geez! Was that like an earthquake in the sky? Uh… skyquake?

PROF. PIERSON
My goodness! These readings!

MADISON
Was that a bomb? It’s 1938. Is Oppenheimer ahead of schedule?

PROF. PIERSON
Hello?… Yes, this is Professor Pierson… This can be confirmed?… Of course, I’m on my way. I don’t drive, so I’ll have to hire a cab. But I’ll be there as quickly as possible.

MADISON
Hey, if you need a ride, I can take you.

PROF. PIERSON
Oh, well, thank you. As long as it doesn’t inconvenience you.

MADISON
Dude, gas is twenty cents a gallon now. If you guys hadn’t shown up here, I was just gonna do donuts in the parking lot for an hour. Because I can.

SCENE FOUR

MADISON
Wow. This is Santa Clarita?

PROF. PIERSON
The Wilmuth Ranch, yes.

MADISON
It’s so empty. I’m used to strip malls and tract housing.

PROF. PIERSON
The crash seems to have attracted some spectators ahead of us.

MADISON
Whoa! Look at the size of that pit! Was it a meteor?

PROF. PIERSON
No… It looks more like a… huge cylinder. I’d speculate twenty-seven meters across.

MADISON
Ah–

PROF. PIERSON
Thirty yards.

MADISON
Ah. Geez, with all of those people crowding around it, I can barely see. Okay, everybody, disperse! It’s not like Beyonce’s down there givin’ a free concert!

POLICEMAN
Hold on right there, Miss.

MADISON
Oh, good, officer, could you move these people? We can’t see the cylinder-thingy.

POLICEMAN
I’m keeping everybody back until we can get some scientist to make heads-or-tails outta this.

MADISON
He’s a scientist.

POLICEMAN
That so?

MADISON
Well, look at him. Unkempt hair, tweed jacket with elbow patches, pants hemmed too high so his white socks are showing in his brown shoes. And those crazy eyebrows! He couldn’t be more professor-cliche if Disney were casting.

PROF. PIERSON
I’m Professor Pierson. Astronomer from the Griffith Park Observatory.

MADISON
Oh, and a British accent. People always sound smarter with a British accent. I tried that for a semester in college but all it did was get me deported.

POLICEMAN
All right. This way. Follow me. One side, there, one side!

MRS. WILMUTH
Did you see it come from the sky?

MADISON
Yeah. You?

MRS. WILMUTH
Naw. I heard it first. I’m Mrs. Wilmuth. This is my ranch.

MADISON
Madison Standish. Hey. You’ve got some prime real estate here. In about sixty years this’ll all be a Costco.

MRS. WILMUTH
You say you saw it? What’d ya see?

MADISON
Well, I was looking at Mars through a telescope and then whoosh, this green light flies right over us! Like a Pink Floyd laser show. Only without music and I wasn’t high.

MRS. WILMUTH
I caught wind of a hissing sound. You know, kinda like a fourth of July rocket.

MADISON
Uck. I know I’m gonna sound unAmerican, but I hate fireworks. My poor dog reacts like it’s London during the Blitz.

MRS. WILMUTH
Blitz?

MADISON
Oh, right, 1938. Well, if that cylinder is actually a Martian, you probably won’t have to worry about World War Two.

MRS. WILMUTH
I don’t know what it is, but after I heard that hissing, I seen this kinda greenish streak and then zingo! Somethin’ smacked the ground. Knocked me clear outta my chair!

MADISON
Geez, would you look at all those cars!

MRS. WILMUTH
Drivin’ all over my ranch! The poor cattle won’t have nothin’ left to eat! This ain’t a road! Y’all cain’t drive here!

PROF. PIERSON
Madison! Madison!

MADISON
Over here, Professor!

PROF. PIERSON
This cylinder is most peculiar. The metal casing is definitely extraterrestrial, not found on this earth.

MADISON
Metal? So… definitely not a meteor?

PROF. PIERSON
Meteorite. A meteor burns up in the earth’s atmosphere, what is often termed a “shooting star,” but a meteorite survives its journey through the atmosphere and strikes the ground.

MADISON
Thanks a bunch, Bill Nye, but can we skip the science lesson and jump right to the scary thing that just landed in Mrs. Wilmuth’s back forty?

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, well, you see, friction with the earth’s atmosphere usually tears holes in a meteorite. But the cylinder, the cylinder is smooth.

MADISON
So, we’re talkin’ spaceship here.

PROF. PIERSON
I… I don’t know. I need to get back to the observatory and review my findings. Will you drive me?

MADISON
Love to, but there’s so many cars now, we’re blocked in. It’s like trying to get out of Dodger’s Stadium any time after the seventh inning.

PROF. PIERSON
Wait. What is that scratching noise?

MADISON
The… uh… sound of nightmares?

PROF. PIERSON
Perhaps it’s the unequal cooling of the cylinder’s surface. What’s going on? Can you see?

VOICE ONE
Something’s happening!

VOICE TWO
She’s movin’!

MADISON
Holy crap! The top of that thing is starting to, like, unscrew! I think it’s stuck. Righty tight-y, lefty loose-y!

POLICEMAN
Stand back! Keep back, I tell you!

VOICE ONE
Maybe there’s men in it trying to escape!

VOICE TWO
It’s red hot! They’ll burn to a cinder!

MADISON
They think someone’s inside of it? Here’s hopin’ for Superman — or at least Mork from Ork.

POLICEMAN
Look out there! Get back!

VOICE TWO
She’s off! The top’s come off!

MADISON
I think something’s coming out.

PROF. PIERSON
We must get a closer view.

MADISON
Hold on a second there, nerdlinger. A minute ago you said the chances of life on Mars was a million to one.

PROF. PIERSON
Thousand to one.

MADISON
Sorry, but I’m still not measuring things in British.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, well, regardless, we need to–

MADISON
So! I am not going over there to stick my face in a crater containing some sort of spaceship! Even if it turns out to be Tom Welling.

PROF. PIERSON
Then stay here. I’ll find another ride.

MADISON
Oh, that little nerd is gonna get vaporized. These book-learning types have no street smarts. I, myself, never learned anything from a book. I’m exclusively educated by horror and sci-fi movies. Wait, Professor!

CARL
Ladies and Gentlemen, I can see inside the cylinder now. Good heavens, something’s wriggling out of the shadow like a gray snake. Now it’s another one, and another one, and another one! They look like tentacles to me. I can see the thing’s body now. It’s large, large as a bear and it glistens like wet leather. But that face, it… it’s indescribable.

MADISON
If you can’t describe it, then you probably shouldn’t be on the radio, huh, Carl?

CARL
Get out of here! I’m trying to do my report!

MADISON
Hey, Carl, describe to your audience the gesture I’m making.

CARL
Why, you– Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m going to… find a better vantage point. Until then, back to Patrick at the “Vintage Video Podcast.”

MADISON
Oh, wow. I’ll tell you what is really indescribable. That smell! Like… octopus sweat.

POLICEMAN
All right! All right! Everyone stand back!

PROF. PIERSON
Madison! Do you see it? It seems weighed down. Perhaps it cannot move against the earth’s gravity.

MADISON
Aw, man… it’s got a triangle-shaped mouth dripping with saliva. It’s like those photos in my high school health books trying to warn teenagers against V.D.

POLICEMAN
We need you to step back, too, Professor. The state police are here. They’re gonna try and make peaceful contact.

MADISON
You sure you want the police for that?

PROF. PIERSON
Come on, Madison, I can still see everything from over here.

CARL
–While the captain and two policemen advance with something in their hands. I can see it now. It’s a white handkerchief tied to a pole… a flag of truce. If those creatures know what that means… what anything means… Wait a minute! Something’s happening…

MADISON
What? Where?!

CARL
Move! You’re blocking my view!

PROF. PIERSON
Would you look at that? A humped shape is rising out of the pit. A small beam of light against a mirror. What’s that? Do you see it?

CARL
No! With the two of you standing there I can’t see anything!

MADISON
I betcha saw that.

CARL
A jet… of… flame. It… flamed the officers. They… they’re… turning into… flame!

MADISON
Great descriptive word usage there, Carl.

PROF. PIERSON
Oh, the whole field’s caught fire!

MADISON
Oh, just what Southern California needs. Freakin’ Martians comin’ down here and startin’ wildfires. We can burn down our own national forests, thank you very much!

CARL
It’s spreading everywhere. It’s… coming this way.

MADISON
Yeah! Time to bail out, Carl! Come on, Professor. Move it or lose it! Pedal to the metal!

PROF. PIERSON
What? I–

MADISON
Dude, run!!

PATRICK
Ladies and gentlemen, due to circumstances beyond our control, we are unable to continue the broadcast from the Wilmuth Ranch in Santa Clarita. Evidently there’s some difficulty with our field transmission. However, we will return to that point at the earliest opportunity. Until then, we take you to a promo break.

PROMO BREAK: SCIENCE FICTION REMNANT

SCENE FIVE

PATRICK
Ladies and gentlemen, I have just been handed a message that came in from Santa Clarita. At least forty people, including six state troopers, lie dead in a field east of the Wilmuth Ranch, their bodies burned and distorted beyond all possible recognition. Professor Pierson has been located at a farmhouse near the ranch where he has established an emergency observation post. As a scientist, he will give you his explanation of the calamity. The next voice you hear will be that of Professor Pierson…

MADISON
Dude! The Martians got a freakin’ heat ray!

CARL
Gimme that microphone!

MADISON
We got to stop them! I was kidnapped by aliens ten years ago. They did all kinds of experiments on me. They been studying us for years!!

CARL
Professor Pierson, please give us your thoughts on these strange events.

PROF. PIERSON
I can give you no authoritative information — either to their nature, their origin, or their purpose here on Earth. Of their destructive instrument, I might venture some conjectural explanation.

MADISON
They mostly come at night. Mostly.

PROF. PIERSON
It’s my guess that in some way they are able to generate an intense heat in a chamber of practically absolutely no conductivity. This intense heat they project in a parallel beam against any object they choose. That is my conjecture of the origin of the heat ray.

MADISON
There’s something out there waiting for us, and it ain’t no man. We’re all gonna die!

CARL
THANK YOU, Professor Pierson. Back to you, Patrick, and “The Vintage Video Podcast.” I have had just about enough out of you, girlie.

MADISON
Hey! If it wasn’t for me, you’d be nothin’ but a burnt offering in the middle of the Wilmuth Ranch!

PROF. PIERSON
Please! Both of you! This is neither the time nor the place!

LANSING
What are you three doing in here? Haven’t you heard? All of Los Angeles County is under Martial Law.

MADISON
Martial Law? Aw, no. I’m not gonna be anybody’s handmaid.

LANSING
Citizens are being directed to evacuate immediately.

PROF. PIERSON
By who’s authority?

LANSING
I am Captain Lansing of the signal corps, attached to the state militia. We have eight battalions of infantry surrounding the cylindrical object and are prepared for engagement. You must leave at once.

MADISON
You don’t gotta tell me twice.

CARL
Captain, may I interview you?

LANSING
Well…The things, whatever they are, don’t even venture to poke their heads above the pit. I can see their hiding place plainly in the glare of the searchlights. You want me I speak directly into the microphone?

CARL
Yes, please, go on, Captain Lansing.

LANSING
With all their reported resources, these creatures can scarcely stand up against heavy machine-gun fire.

MADISON
He hasn’t seen the heat ray yet, has he?

PROF. PIERSON
Apparently not.

LANSING
Anyway, it’s an interesting outing for the troops. I can make out their khaki uniforms, crossing back and forth in front of the lights. It looks almost like a real war.

MADISON
Professor, amidst this testosterone fueled folly, shall we take our leave?

PROF. PIERSON
Pedal to the metal.

LANSING
We ought to see some action soon. One of the companies is deploying on the left flank. A quick thrust and it will all be over.

CARL
Wait a minute! I see something on top of the cylinder.

LANSING
Those monsters don’t stand a chance. Seven thousand armed men closing in on an old metal tube. A tub.

CARL
It’s something moving… solid metal… kind of a shield like affair rising up out of the cylinder… It’s going higher and higher.
Why, it’s standing on legs… three of them… actually rearing up on a sort of metal framework. Now it’s reaching above the trees!

LANSING
Those spindly legs? No match for our tanks.

CARL
That light… that flame… the… the… heat ray!

SCENE SIX

PATRICK
Ladies and gentlemen, I have a grave announcement to make. The battle which took place tonight in Santa Clarita has ended in one of the most startling defeats ever suffered by an army in modern times. Seven thousand men armed with rifles and machine guns pitted against a single fighting machine of the invaders from Mars. One hundred and twenty known survivors. The rest, strewn over the battle area, crushed and trampled to death under the metal feet of the monster, or burned to cinders by its heat ray. We have not been able to make contact with our mobile unit on the scene. We now believe Carl Phillips is… dead.

MADISON
Well, Martians are officially invading SoCal and systematically destroying everything we hold dear. But on the bright side, Carl’s dead.

PROF. PIERSON
Madison! Such schadenfreude!

MADISON
Dude. I grew up on John Hughes movies. It’s woven into my very being to celebrate douche-nozzles getting totally obliterated.

PROF. PIERSON
Rather apropos you use “obliterated.” If the Martians have defeated our armies, I dare say they’ll be in Los Angeles any moment now.

MADISON
So, now what, Professor? Flee north to Canada? Oh, God, I hope Ryan Reynolds evacuated back to his home in Vancouver. He must be protected! He’s a national treasure! Wait… if he’s Canadian, does that make him their national treasure, or can we still claim him?

PROF. PIERSON
I don’t know that there is any place to flee to, Madison. I’ve been watching Mars through the telescope. There are gas bursts in regular, frequent intervals. They’re sending more cylinders. More reinforcements… They’re sending their invading army.

MADISON
Aaand…. They just made it to Hollywood.

PROF. PIERSON
Come outside. We can see from the observation deck.

MADISON
Man, I gotta get me one of those tripod thingys. What a way to get around L.A. traffic.

PROF. PIERSON
Those machines. At least half a dozen of them. Look! Do you see the black smoke? Rolling like a sort of… fog.

MADISON
Ah. There’s the pollution I know and breathe.

PROF. PIERSON
The smoke’s spreading faster. People in the streets see it now. They’re running towards the L.A. River… thousands of them, dropping in like rats.

MADISON
Whoa! The L.A. River is actually… a river! I’m used to it being paved over in cement looking like an abandoned ride at a water park.

PROF. PIERSON
Los Angeles has fallen.

MADISON
Oh, no! “Vintage Video Podcast” isn’t broadcasting anymore. Patrick must be dead. Aw!

PROF. PIERSON
We must get to safety!

MADISON
Got any ideas? Because they just blew up Grauman’s Chinese Theater, the Hollywood sign and Paramount Studios. If they’re going through a tourist guide of Los Angeles, Griffith Park Observatory is definitely gonna be on the list.

PROF. PIERSON
I know where we can go. Come with me!

MADISON
If I want to live?

PROF. PIERSON
I’m sorry?

MADISON
The line is, “Come with me if you want to live.”

PROF. PIERSON
I… uh…

MADISON
Okay, after this is over, we’re bingeing the “Terminator” movies. And if the story doesn’t scare you, wait’ll ya see who’s the future governor of California.

SCENE SEVEN

PROF. PIERSON
As I set down these notes on paper, I’m obsessed by the thought that I may be the last living man on Earth. All that happened before the arrival of these monstrous creatures in the world now seems part of another life… a life that has no continuity with the present, furtive existence of the lonely derelict who pencils these words on the back of some astronomical notes bearing the signature of Richard Pierson.

MADISON
If you’re the last living man on Earth, does that makes me the last living woman?

PROF. PIERSON
Please don’t interrupt.

MADISON
Because if we’re all that’s left, the human race is over. I’m not makin’ babies with you, grandpa.

PROF. PIERSON
I am trying to write down my daily life to preserve human history.

MADISON
Preserve it for who? The Martians? I’m pretty sure they’re gonna teach their version of history. “We came, we saw, we heat-rayed their asses.” Next chapter.

PROF. PIERSON
Is there any of that bread left?

MADISON
No. Just this questionable tangerine I found behind the fridge.

PROF. PIERSON
It’s been days. We need to leave the safety of this basement and see what we can salvage from the destruction above.

MADISON
All right! I haven’t looted a grocery store in years!

PROF. PIERSON
Let’s go to the surface. But be cautious.

MADISON
People always condemn looting grocery stores and then the turn around and watch “Supermarket Sweep.” Dang. It looks like a Hollywood disaster movie out there. Where’s our rag-tag team of heroes to save us from the evil invaders?

PROF. PIERSON
If you’re referring to the military, they’ve been all but wiped out.

MADISON
Well, of course they have. Our human weapons are never a match for alien technology. Science fiction one-oh-one.

PROF. PIERSON
At least the black cloud of gas has lifted. The scorched hillside to the north looks as though a black snowstorm has passed over it.

MADISON
Nah, that’s just the valley. It always looks like that.

PROF. PIERSON
I’m afraid your car has fallen victim to the Martians as well.

MADISON
Aw, geez. Reminds me of the time I parked in a school zone. Never block parents picking up their kids from school. They’re like gladiators in a Prius.

PROF. PIERSON
Well, we better get walking.

MADISON
Uck! Walking? Fighting for your survival sucks.

SCENE EIGHT

PROF. PIERSON
I make my way out of Griffith Park to a main road. Los Feliz Boulevard. No traffic. Here and there a wrecked car, baggage overturned, a blackened skeleton– Madison! Don’t poke that skeleton with a stick!

MADISON
Like he’s gonna know!

PROF. PIERSON
For some reason I feel safer trailing these monsters than running away from them. And I keep a careful watch. I have seen the Martians… feed. Should one of their machines appear over the top of trees, I am ready to fling myself flat on the earth.

MADISON
What do you think flinging yourself on the ground will do? You’ve got no chance of camouflage with that tweed jacket.

PROF. PIERSON
Madison, I’d like this recording to be without your commentary.

MADISON
Hey, I gave you my phone to use to record your little diary. I’m letting you have precious battery time. I don’t know when I’m gonna be able to charge it again.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes. Clearly the Martians have knocked out the electricity– Quiet a moment. I have an odd feeling we’re being watched.

MADISON
Martians?

PROF. PIERSON
I don’t believe so. But something is crouching in that doorway.

STRANGER
Stop!!

PROF. PIERSON
Please! You don’t need to brandish that knife! We mean you no harm.

MADISON
Seriously, Crocodile Dundee. Where do you think you are? The outback of Hollywood and Vine?

STRANGER
There’s no food here! This is my country! All this end of town down to Sunset Boulevard. There’s only food for one.

PROF. PIERSON
We don’t intend to stay. We’re just passing through.

MADISON
Ignore him. He’s like every other crazy homeless dude on Hollywood Boulevard.

STRANGER
What was that? Did you hear something just then?

PROF. PIERSON
A… bird, perhaps?

STRANGER
Yeah… You get to know that birds have shadows these days.

PROF. PIERSON
Oh? Is that so?

MADISON
Why are you humoring him? He’ll either stab you or vomit on your shoes. Have you never taken the subway in L.A.?

PROF. PIERSON
Tell me, have you seen any… Martians?

STRANGER
Nah. They’ve gone on to Downtown L.A. At night the sky is alive with their lights. Just as if people were still livin’ in it. By daylight you can’t see them. Five days ago a couple of them carried somethin’ big across the valley from the airport. I think they’re learning how to fly.

MADISON
“Learning”to fly? Do you think they walked here from Mars?

PROF. PIERSON
Well, their cylinder projectiles clearly weren’t steerable, as they landed with great impact onto the earth. The difference is between a rocket sent airborne, only to succumb to gravity and crash back to Earth, versus an airplane with sophisticated controls guided by a man.

STRANGER
You sound like you know a lot about science.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes. I am an astronomer.

STRANGER
Then it’s your fault! Why didn’t you smarty-pants scientists figure out a way to stop them? They wrecked the greatest country in the world!

MADISON
Not Canada!

STRANGER
Those green stars, they’re probably falling somewhere every night. They’ve only lost one machine. There isn’t anything to do. We’re done. We’re licked. No thanks to your types.

PROF. PIERSON
Where were you? You’re in uniform.

MADISON
Another war veteran on the streets. Sad.

STRANGER
There wasn’t any war… any more than there’s a war between men and ants!

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, but we’re eatable ants. What do you suppose they’ll do with us?

STRANGER
I’ve thought that out.

MADISON
Of course you have. Dude, Professor, why are we wasting time listening to crazy conspiracy theories? This is Hollywood. He could be a Scientologist.

PROF. PIERSON
I’m interested in his observations.

MADISON
Of course, after these Martians, the Scientologists’ alien “Xenu” theory is sounding a lot more plausible. See if he has any brochures.

STRANGER
They feed on us. Right now we’re caught as we’re wanted. The Martian only has to go a few miles to get a crowd on the run. They won’t keep on doing that. They’ll begin catching us systematic- like — keeping the best and storing us in cages and things.

MADISON
If given the choice, I’d like to be a free-range human.

STRANGER
Cities, nations, civilization… done.

PROF. PIERSON
Yes, but if that’s so, what is there to live for? What is there left?

STRANGER
Life! That’s what! I want to live. And I don’t mean to be caught, either! Tamed, and fattened, and bred, like an ox!

MADISON
Who eats ox?

STRANGER
I’ve thought it all out, see? It isn’t all of us that are made for wild beasts. These little office workers that used to live in these houses — they’d be no good. They haven’t any stuff in ’em.

MADISON
I’ve had vegan oxtail before. Voxtail. Why anyone thought oxtail was popular enough to make a vegan version of it, I will never know.

STRANGER
I’ve seen hundreds of ’em, running to catch their commuter’s train in the morning afraid they’d be canned if they didn’t. Running back at night afraid they won’t be in time for dinner.

PROF. PIERSON
You’ve described the lives of most Americans. But what is your theory?

STRANGER
The Martians will be a godsend for these guys. Nice roomy cages, good food, careful breeding, no worries. After a week or so chasing about the fields on empty stomachs, they’ll come and be glad to be caught.

MADISON
That sounds like my sister-in-law. She had an emotional breakdown when the closed the Crate and Barrel near her house.

STRANGER
These Martians, they’re gonna make pets of some of ’em, train ’em to do tricks. Get sentimental over that pet boy who grew up and had to be killed. And some they’ll train to hunt us!

MADISON
Oh, no. They’re going to treat us like we do every animal on this planet. That is not fair.

STRANGER
So, we’ll live underground. I’ve been thinking about the sewers. Under Los Angeles there are miles and miles of ’em. The main ones are big enough for anybody. And there’s cellars, vaults, underground storerooms, railway tunnels, subways…

MADISON
Okay, he’s got us livin’ in sewers like freakin’ Ninja Turtles. Can we go now?

PROF. PIERSON
Best of luck to you, friend.

STRANGER
Wait! What’s the matter? Where are you going?

PROF. PIERSON
Not to your world!

MADISON
All right, the next knife wielding maniac we run into, we avoid. Plan?

PROF. PIERSON
Plan.

SCENE NINE

MADISON
Wow. I haven’t seen Wilshire Boulevard this empty since quarantine. Then it was only Amazon trucks and always that one hipster douche bag on a fixie bike.

PROF. PIERSON
Look over there on La Brea. More of that black powder and several bodies.

MADISON
Oh! A poor little Chihuahua! I bet he was somebody’s pet. Yeah, he has a collar. Hey, puppy, puppy. What’s that in his mouth?

PROF. PIERSON
Some sort of… meat.

MADISON
Ehhh! It’s a hand. With nail polish. That’s kinda how I expect Paris Hilton to go.

PROF. PIERSON
Do you see that flock of black birds?

MADISON
Are those ravens or crows? I can never tell the difference. I know ravens are supposed to be bigger, but, how do you know when they’re that far away? C’mon, you’re the science guy.

PROF. PIERSON
I’m an astronomer. Not an ornithologist.

MADISON
Hey, what you do behind closed doors is none of my business.

PROF. PIERSON
The birds seem to be circling something.

MADISON
Dude! Martian! Machine thing! Over there!

PROF. PIERSON
That’s the La Brea tar pits.

MADISON
You think they’re stuck in the tar pits like the statue of that mammoth who can’t reach her baby? Oh, god, that thing traumatized me as a kid. It’s like Artax in the “Never-ending Story.” Why do they do that to children?

PROF. PIERSON
Come along, let’s get a closer view!

MADISON
What is with you and running towards the Martians?

PROF. PIERSON
My word. There are… at least fifteen… twenty of those great metal titans. But notice their cowls are empty, their steel arms hanging listlessly by their sides.

MADISON
Yeah, but what about the actual Martians?

PROF. PIERSON
There! That’s the source of the birds. They’re pecking and tearing brown shreds of flesh from the monsters’ dead bodies.

MADISON
Okay. That’s disgusting. Good thing I have an empty stomach right now. Where are you going?

PROF. PIERSON
I need to know what killed them.

MADISON
Don’t touch them! You don’t know if their blood is… acid or something!

PROF. PIERSON
Look at this.

MADISON
Okay… what am I looking at?

PROF. PIERSON
I’ll need to perform a proper examination in my lab, but you see this pulpous area surrounded with a hard crust?

MADISON
Yeah…

PROF. PIERSON
I believe it to be signs of an infection.

MADISON
Man, if they’d had a picture of that in my high school health book, I’d’ve become a nun.

PROF. PIERSON
They were killed by the putrefactive and disease bacteria against which their systems were unprepared. Slain, after all man’s defenses had failed, by the humblest thing that God in His wisdom has put upon this earth.

MADISON
Hey, after COVID, I have a new found respect for the invisible threats from bacteria and viruses. Seriously. Near the end of quarantine I was living like Howard Hughes. I even ran out of jars for my urine.

PROF. PIERSON
Before the cylinder fell, there was a general persuasion that through all the deep of space, no life existed beyond the petty surface of our minute sphere. Now we see further. It will be strange to watch children playing in the streets again. Strange to see young people strolling on the green, where the new spring grass will heal the last black scars of a bruised earth.

MADISON
Strange to watch the tourists in the museum checking out the Martian machines you’ll put on display to cash in on this tragedy?

PROF. PIERSON
Oh, I suppose we’re all meant to survive on grant money, eh?

MADISON
Take us home, Professor.

PROF. PIERSON
Strange when I recall the time when I first saw it, bright and clean-cut, hard, and silent, under the dawn of that last great day…

EPILOGUE

MADISON
Well, I hope you all enjoyed our adaptation of Orson Welles and the Mercury Theatre’s 1938 presentation of the H.G. Wells novel,”The War of the Worlds.” No other OTR show has been requested to us more, so we’re thrilled to make it our Halloween special this year! Also, a huge thank you to the Vintage Video Podcast gang, Patrick O’Reily, Jessie Bayliss and Richard Wells — another Wells! — thank you guys for sharing their episode 40 reviewing “Friday the 13th”. You can check out the full episode, as well as a ton more, wherever you get your podcasts. I promise, Patrick didn’t really get all burnt up by the Martians. And hey, you think you know everything about Orson Wells and the backlash from his broadcast of “War of the Worlds?” Catch our “Madison’s Mad Facts” bonus feature where we’ll dive in to the rumors that are still being told as fact today. Happy Halloween!