MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE TALES OF THE TEXAS RANGERS: BLOOD TRAIL”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: APRIL 2022
SCENE ONE
NARRATOR
Tales of the Texas Rangers! Texas, more than two hundred and sixty thousand square miles and fifty men who make up the most famous and oldest law enforcement body in North America.
MADISON
Okay, so, before Chuck Norris, there was “Tales of the Texas Rangers.”
NARRATOR
Now from the files of the Texas Rangers come these stories based on fact. Only names, dates and places are fictitious for obvious reasons.
MADISON
The show is basically as if someone listened to “Dragnet” and was like… ya know what this show needs? Horses.
NARRATOR
Case for tonight, “Blood Trail.”
MADISON
Oh! That’s me. Gotta go! Enjoy!
NARRATOR
It is 7:30 on a Saturday evening in July, 1929. For a week, an oppressive blanket of heat has surrounded the town of Whitney in the Texas panhandle. Despite the unpleasant weather, however, Whitney is enjoying its usual Saturday night activities. Sheriff Madison Standish strolls down main street complaining aloud to no one in particular.
MADISON
Texas in a heatwave. Uck. Are none of these old timey shows set at a beach resort in the Bahamas? God, I could go for a Mai Tai.
HARRIETT
Mildred! You are as stubborn as a mule! I declare, that woman will– Oh, howdy, Sheriff.
MADISON
O.M.G., Harriett, what is the problem now? And please tell me it’s not about kids karate chopping your picket fence again. The parents got really P.O.ed when I put those eight year-olds in jail.
HARRIETT
Oh, it’s nothin’, Sheriff. Just an argument with Mildred.
MADISON
You two are besties. It’s totes fine to fight. Unless one of you is accused of arson and the other one throws you under the bus just because you went on one little date with her boyfriend and barely made out with him.
HARRIETT
Well, it’s just, ya see, I’ve been livin’ here in Whitney near forty years now. Been around the panhandle all my life.
MADISON
Oh, and she told you how pathetic that was?
HARRIETT
Uh, no. I said this is the hottest Ju-ly since ought-two, and Mildred says it was hotter the summer of ’18.
MADISON
Yeah, ya see, that’s why it’s pathetic. You’re arguing about the weather. You two both need to get lives… or laid, or something.
HARRIETT
Hey, who’s that over there, Sheriff?
MADISON
Aw, man. Looks like a drunk.
HARRIETT
Wait a sec, ain’t that old Doc Thomas? I didn’t know Doc was a drinkin’ man.
MADISON
Well, how can anyone not enjoy a satisfying glass of Aviation American Gin? Great straight or in any number of tasty cocktail recipes.
HARRIETT
What… are you talkin’ about, Sheriff?
MADISON
I’m trying to kiss Ryan Reynold’s ass so he’ll come on the show, shut up! Please drink responsibly.
HARRIETT
Well, I can’t believe that Doc would be drinkin’. He’s got office hours till seven on Saturdays.
MADISON
He’s stumbling into the street. Oh, man. The way you yokels drive, somebody’s gonna hit him. C’mon!
HARRIETT
Look out, Doc! Look out!
MADISON
Stop, you stupid drunk!
CROWD VOICES
Careful, Doc! Look out, Doc! Watch out! Doc’s been hit! Help him! Is he all right?
HARRIETT
He’s hurt bad!
MADISON
Oh, dude. Look at all that blood. I think I’m gonna puke.
CROWD VOICES
Do somethin’! Quick, somebody help him! Sheriff! Help him!
HARRIETT
Sheriff, do something!
MADISON
I am doing something. I’m working on not puking.
HARRIETT
One of y’all call Dr. Fields and tell him to hurry!
MAN
I’ll do it, Harriett!
HARRIETT
Let’s get ‘im up on the sidewalk.
MADISON
Yeah, you guys get him out of street. I’ll, uh, walk down to the end of the block and direct traffic.
HARRIETT
Sheriff!
MADISON
Man, you’d think after all the true crime shows I’ve watched, I’d be desensitized to blood.
HARRIETT
So much blood. I didn’t think that car hit him that bad.
MADISON
I don’t think it did, actually. Look at his shirt. It’s soaked like he’s been bleeding a while.
HARRIETT
You mean, when he was staggerin’ down the street, he was already hurt?
MADISON
Yeah, check out his head. Ew-wah! Is that skull showing? Okay… puking is imminent.
HARRIETT
Who would do that to old Doc Thomas?
MADISON
Dunno. And he’s not gonna tell us. Dude’s dead. And his eye just ruptured. ‘Scuse me!
SCENE TWO
NARRATOR
Once Sheriff Madison finished vacating her stomach alongside a parked Studebaker, she easily traced Doc Thomas’ path by following the drops of blood he’d left on the sidewalk. The trail led her directly to the doctor’s office. It was then she called for a Texas Ranger and Ranger Jace Pearson was assigned. The Ranger didn’t arrive until five o’clock that Sunday morning. He entered the doctor’s office waiting room.
JACE
Sheriff? It’s Ranger Pearson. Uh… Sheriff?
MADISON
Mmmm… huh?
JACE
You called for a Texas Ranger?
MADISON
Oh… yeah. Crime scene’s in there. Help yourself.
JACE
I’m here to assist in the investigation.
MADISON
Sure. Mmm-kay.
JACE
Sheriff, perhaps you’d like to share with me your findings so far?
MADISON
Dude, it’s five a.m. I called you at like… eight.
JACE
Sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I was in Wichita Falls.
MADISON
Did you at least grab us some coffee and doughnuts? I prefer chocolate frosted, but right now I’m not gonna be picky.
JACE
No, I didn’t. Why don’t you show me the crime scene and… uh… afterwards we can have breakfast.
MADISON
Uck. Okay. I puked up most of my dinner last night, so I’m totally starving right now. As you can see, nothing in the waiting room except a really uncomfortable couch. My neck is gonna be so stiff today. But the big show is in the exam room.
JACE
Ah, I see. Smashed furniture, broken glass. Doctor must’ve put up quite a fight.
MADISON
Looks like he was trying to paint the walls with his own blood.
JACE
Do you know what the actual cause of death was?
MADISON
Brain matter meets skull fragments?
JACE
Didn’t he have a nurse here with him?
MADISON
Nah, he couldn’t afford one. He was a total old school country doctor. He got paid in, like, pies and live chickens ‘n’ stuff.
JACE
Did he have any money on him when he died?
MADISON
About half a dozen eggs.
JACE
Well, the phone’s ripped out. Looks like he was trying to call somebody.
MADISON
Aw, man, and with a rotary phone it would’ve taken him epic long just to dial. And you guys don’t have 9-1-1 yet. So he’d have to patch through to an operator who’d have to connect to an exchange… It probably woulda been faster for him to open a window and yell.
JACE
By the way the wires are torn out of the wall, and the destruction of this room, I’d say somebody wanted to silence him permanently.
MADISON
Okay, so if somebody wanted to kill the Doc, why didn’t they? He was stumbling down the street like a freshman leaving their first frat party.
JACE
I think this will answer your question, Sheriff.
MADISON
You’re pointing at blood. This room looks like the interior design was done by John Carpenter. You’re gonna have to gimme a little more than that.
JACE
This spot of dried blood is larger, as if he must’ve been lying here a few minutes. Could be he got knocked unconscious, killer thought he’d finished his job and took off.
MADISON
That really shows the incompetence of the killer. A doctor’s office full of sharp objects and you don’t stop and stab, stab before you go? There’s just no work ethic anymore.
JACE
Here’s the doc’s appointment book. Only one appointment after five o’clock. “6:30, Karl Hinkle.” You know him, Sheriff?
MADISON
Oh, yeah, I know him. German dude. I remember because I thought it was suspicious that a German guy was living with rednecks in Texas. Like he might be a Nazi war criminal or something? But then I remembered it’s only 1929 so no World War two yet.
JACE
World War two?
MADISON
Oh, don’t worry about that. It’s 1929, you got time. But I would sell your stocks before October.
JACE
So you know this Karl Hinkle?
MADISON
Oh, dude, yes! I totes forgot. Karl Hinkle’s wife! The doctor delivered her baby about six weeks ago and then Mrs. Hinkle died. Too bad she didn’t call the midwife. I bet those super liberal nuns from England could’ve saved her.
JACE
Hinkle blamed Doc Thomas for his wife’s death?
MADISON
Yup. He’s been takin’ smack about the doc all over town.
JACE
I see. Come on, Sheriff, let’s wake him up and have a talk with him.
MADISON
After breakfast.
JACE
This investigation is urgent. Time is of the essence.
MADISON
Yeah, well then maybe the next time I call for a Texas Ranger, it won’t take you, like, nine hours to get here! C’mon, cowboy, you’re buying.
SCENE THREE
NARRATOR
After taking up valuable investigation time to stop for doughnuts, Ranger Pearson and Sheriff Madison finally reached Karl Hinkle’s home at 6:30 a.m. No one answered their knock, so they walked around to the back door. Hinkle was washing some things out in a laundry tub on the back porch. He was a big blonde man who looked at his visitors solidly as they approached.
MADISON
Wow. No wonder it took you nine hours to get here. What’s that 1920’s car of yours have? A golf cart motor?
KARL
Morning, Sheriff Madison.
MADISON
Uh, Karl, this is Ranger Pearson he wants to talk to you. Oh! And we brought doughnuts. I ate all the chocolate frosted.
KARL
Thank you, I have eaten. Excuse me a moment, I want to dry my hands.
JACE
Pretty early to be doing washing isn’t it, Mr. Hinkle?
KARL
Yeah, I wash for the baby.
JACE
Some of your own clothes there, too, aren’t there?
KARL
Yes. I wash for myself, too.
JACE
You always do the baby clothes yourself, Karl?
MADISON
Dude! Inapropes! His wife is dead.
JACE
Mr. Hinkle–
MADISON
So, what? A man can’t do his own laundry? Should he get his six week old daughter to do it because it’s “women’s work”?
JACE
Mr. Hinkle–
MADISON
I suppose you find it weird there’s a female Sheriff, right? I was wondering how long you were gonna dance around the subject.
JACE
Mr. Hinkle–
MADISON
They voted for me, you know. The whole town of Whitney. They voted me their Sheriff. Right, Karl?
KARL
It’s true. We saw her name on the ballot and never before we heard of a woman named “Madison,” so we thought she was a man.
MADISON
Oh, shut up, you murderer!
KARL
Murderer?
JACE
Doctor Thomas was murdered in his office last night, Mr. Hinkle. And you were the last appointment in his appointment book. So, did you visit Doc Thomas last night?
KARL
Well, yes, I did. I owe him money, so I go to repay him. Every week I pay a little.
JACE
Do you usually make an appointment just to pay him money?
KARL
Nein, uh, no. I have an ache in my leg. I asked the doctor to fix it.
MADISON
Yeah, but he killed your wife so you killed him.
KARL
Nein! It is not so! I just think he should have been more careful with my wife. Now I’m left with an empty house and an empty heart. If he’d been more careful, this wouldn’t be.
JACE
If you felt the doctor was responsible for your wife’s death, why would you seek medical help from a man you didn’t trust?
MADISON
To be fair, that’s not up to him. That’s up to his insurance company. The doctor could be an axe murderer selling organs on the black market but hey, he’s “in network.”
KARL
Well, I think with my wife he made the mistake. For this, he will be with me twice careful.
JACE
Do you know, Mr. Hinkle, that you were the last person to see the doctor before he was attacked?
KARL
Nien, I was not. When I come from the office, a man sits in the waiting room.
MADISON
Hopefully not sitting on that couch. Man, I need a neck massage.
JACE
Do you know who the man was?
KARL
Yeah, sure, I’ve seen him many times. It was Mr. Horner.
JACE
Do you know this Mr. Horner, Sheriff?
MADISON
Yeah… Matt Horner, right? He works on Jim Ford’s ranch. He’s a, uh, man, you’re gonna make me say it… He’s a, uh, “cowpoke.”
JACE
A cowpoke on Jim Ford’s ranch, huh? Oh, well, Sheriff, I think we oughta go see him.
MADISON
I know it gets lonely on the range, but I can’t believe it’s actually a job title.
SCENE FOUR
NARRATOR
Ranger Pearson and Sheriff Madison drove out to the Ford ranch. The trip took longer than it should have because the Sheriff didn’t know where it was and kept on blaming the “GPS.” The Ford ranch was a small place that had seen better days. A young ranch hand was mending a fence near the barn.
JACE
Howdy. You Jim Ford’s cowhand?
MADISON
They do hand jobs, too?
LESTER
Oh, howdy, there, Ranger. Sheriff.
JACE
We’re looking for Matt Horner. Ya seen him?
LESTER
I’m sorry, Ranger. I only come to work for Mr. Ford yesterday. I know there’s one man who works with him, but I dunno his name.
JACE
Is Mr. Ford around?
LESTER
I think he’s with the cattle.
MADISON
Those poor cows. Hashtag “Me, Moo.”
LESTER
I expect Mr. Ford’s gonna be here any minute now. But I don’t think that other feller is with him.
JACE
No? And why is that?
MADISON
Please don’t tell me you also have hogs. A “pig in a poke.”
LESTER
See, Ranger, when I come in this mornin’ to get me a coffee, he ain’t here. Then when Mr. Ford go out to the car, he still ain’t here. Made Mr. Ford mighty angry. Oh, here’s Mr. Ford. He’ll tell ya ’bout that feller.
FORD
Howdy, Sheriff. Mornin’, Ranger. Take care of the horse, eh, Lester?
LESTER
Right away, sir.
FORD
What can I do for you?
MADISON
Nothing until I can get the ASPCA out here.
JACE
We’re looking for that hand of yours, Matt Horner.
FORD
Well, I reckon that makes three of us. When I find him, I’m gonna break him in half. All these years and he walks out on me just when I need him most.
MADISON
I hear that. Most of my boyfriends break up with me just before the rent is due.
JACE
When did you see him last, Mr. Ford?
FORD
Yesterday evening. He asked me if he could go into town and I said sure, if he’d be back here by daybreak. This morning he ain’t showed up. Don’t reckon he will, neither.
JACE
What makes you think that?
FORD
I checked and all his stuff’s gone.
MADISON
Yup, same. I wake up on the first and their underwear and X-Box are gone.
FORD
After all I did for that boy, Matt Horner. Now when I only need him a day or so longer, he takes off.
JACE
You moving somewhere, Mr. Ford?
MADISON
Yeah, I usually had to move out by the fifth or else face a super pissed off landlord. My mom could be a real hard-ass.
FORD
I’m selling out, Ranger. Lock, stock and barrel. I’ve had all I want of ranching.
JACE
When Matt Horner left you yesterday, was he sick?
FORD
Sick? That boy never had a sick day in his life.
MADISON
You made him an “independent contractor,” didn’t you? All the joys of working full time with zero of the benefits.
FORD
Here, how come you’re so anxious to find out about Matt?
JACE
A doctor in town by the name of Thomas was murdered last night.
FORD
Oh, yeah, I heard about old Doc Thomas. Shame. He was a fine feller. What’s that gotta do with Matt?
JACE
He was seen at the Doc’s office last night around the time the doctor was murdered.
MADISON
Of course, I’m sure you didn’t give Matt any healthcare, so he probably couldn’t afford the doctor’s visit.
FORD
You think that maybe Matt was the one who killed him?
JACE
We don’t know yet, but his skipping out is not gonna help him any.
FORD
No, I don’t reckon it will. You just never know, do you? Who’d’ve thought a boy that I had working for me was a killer.
MADISON
You better start paying that Lester a living wage or he may be next. There’s a breaking point for everyone, ya know. And this is Texas. Your essential workers carry guns.
SCENE FIVE
NARRATOR
On the way back to town, Jace radioed Austin and requested an all points bulletin on Matt Horner. Then he and Sheriff Madison started combing the countryside, but to no avail. The Sheriff complained relentlessly about the heat all day as if her disapproval of the weather would somehow make a difference. Early Monday morning, Ranger Pearson stopped at the Sheriff’s office to pick her up.
JACE
Morning, Sheriff. Uh, Sheriff? Sheriff?
MADISON
Huh? Wha?
JACE
I took the liberty of bringing coffee and doughnuts.
MADISON
Oh? I’m hating you less today, Ranger.
JACE
Pleased to hear it. You about ready to get moving?
MADISON
Ya know, I haven’t brushed my teeth since Saturday morning. Can you just give me, like, two minutes?
JACE
Since we’ll be sharing a car together all day today, happy to wait.
MADISON
Dammit. Hang on a sec. Hello? Sheriff Standish… No, Madison’s my first name… Yes, it is… Yes it–Just–why are you calling me?… You did? Where?… Yup, we’re on our way. Well, Matt Horner’s been found.
JACE
Good. They bringing him in?
MADISON
Nupe. We gotta to go get him. Dude’s dead.
MADISON
Aw. No chocolate frosted?
NARRATOR
In just a moment we will continue with “Tales of the Texas Rangers.”
PROMO BREAK: CANARY P.I.
SCENE SIX
NARRATOR
We continue now with “Tales of the Texas Rangers” and our authentic story, “Blood Trail.” Matt Horner’s body was discovered in the brush by two boys on a camping trip. Ranger Pearson and Sheriff Madison drove within a mile of the spot where the highway patrolman was waiting with the boys. The youngsters pointed out where they’d found the body. The only way to reach the remote area was on horseback. Sheriff Madison made it well known to all within earshot that she was in no way a fan of horses.
MADISON
Oh, god, are we there yet?
JACE
You could’ve ridden your own horse instead of squeezing into the saddle on mine. Would’ve been easier on Charcoal, too. Sorry about this, Charky.
MADISON
I’m really scared of horses, okay? Bad carousel incident. That’s how we lost our first nanny. I can still hear the gears grinding and her screams. Her screams echo in my sleep.
JACE
Well… we’re nearly there.
MADISON
Ah! I’m slipping!
JACE
Ow! No, you’re not! You’re strapped to my belt! And pulling it really tight!
MADISON
Don’t let go, nanny! Don’t let go!
JACE
We’re here. Look, there’s the three big boulders those kids described. Whoa, Charky, whoa.
MADISON
Get me off this thing!
JACE
It’s all right, Charky. I’ll make sure she walks back. C’mon. I’ll help you down. You all right?
MADISON
Lightly traumatized but physically fine.
JACE
If you’re not good with horses, maybe being a sheriff in Texas isn’t the best job for you.
MADISON
Yeah. That’s why I couldn’t stay working at an off-track betting place. Well, that and they fired me for stealing from the till.
JACE
Let’s head over there. That must’ve been where the boys had their campfire, off to the left.
MADISON
Every time I drive between L.A. and Vegas, I think about how many bodies must be dumped out there in the desert. I also think the same thing when I visit Disneyland.
JACE
Should be right around this middle boulder by what those kids said. There. Let me pull that brush away from him. Okay, Sheriff, that the man we’ve been looking for?
MADISON
Uhh… I think so? Hard to tell. He’s all bloated and puffy and looks like buzzards were pecking at him. Awww… I might puke again.
JACE
Shot twice through the chest at close range by the look of those powder burns. Let’s turn them over.
MADISON
Pass.
JACE
You know, there are a lot of jobs in law enforcement that don’t entail field work.
MADISON
Duly noted.
JACE
Well, no blood on the ground, so he wasn’t shot here. Whoever did it carried him out here after he was dead.
MADISON
You thinkin’ it was those two boys who did it?
JACE
The… ten year-olds?
MADISON
I’m just sayin’, with all this desert out here, it’s pretty convenient those two boys just happened to stumble upon the body while they were “camping.”
JACE
Let’s see what we can find in his pockets. Wallet, little bit of money, and… Oh, well, this is interesting. A box of prescription pills.
MADISON
Quaaludes?
JACE
No.
MADISON
Hey, what do we really know about this “Doc Thomas”? I mean, he did kill Mrs. Hinkle.
JACE
This could mean Matt was ill after all.
MADISON
And Jim Ford wouldn’t give him a sick day. Typical boss. Do you know how many times I worked sick at my food service jobs because my managers threatened to fire me if I called out? It wasn’t bats that spread COVID. It was shitty bosses.
JACE
It’s a cinch there’s a tie-in between this murder and Doc Thomas getting killed. We need to find out what kind of an ailment Matt had.
MADISON
How exactly can we do that? Matt’s dead and it looks like some coyotes made a meal outta his fingers. Ew.
JACE
Well, there’s another way he can do some talking, even after his death.
MADISON
Séance?
JACE
Autopsy.
MADISON
Yeah, better to not dabble in the black arts. I tried that after my nanny died and all it did was trap her inside my Malibu Barbie. It was creepy, so I had my brother blow her up with a bottle rocket.
SCENE SEVEN
NARRATOR
Ranger Pearson and Sheriff Madison got Matt Horner’s body into Whitney by one o’clock that afternoon and requested the county medical examiner make a rush autopsy. They waited in the pathology lab at the hospital until he was finished. Sheriff Madison was as fidgety as a toddler in a fine restaurant, and equally as disciplined.
JACE
Sheriff, perhaps you shouldn’t be touching all of those vials and test tubes.
MADISON
I actually really liked taking Chem Lab. I mean, what other class can you play with fire? Aside from English when we acted out “The Crucible.” My teacher was not expecting that level of realism.
JACE
Just the same, it’d probably be best to leave those tubes –alone.
MADISON
Is it bad I just breathed in some of that orange powder?
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Well, I’ve been able to determine– Is that broken glass on the floor?
MADISON
There really should be more safety protocols in here. Hmmm… It’s only the 1920s. Well, after a ton more stupid people do stupid things, the government will require warnings about stuff that is totally common sense.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
I suppose that explains why were you touching the test tubes?
MADISON
You’re welcome.
JACE
So, Doctor, tell us what you discovered about Matt Horner.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
I only made a preliminary examination, but I can tell you one thing definitely.
MADISON
Someone really oughta clean up this glass. It’s clearly a safety hazard.
JACE
What can you tell us, Doctor?
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Matt Horner died sometime Saturday night. Probably before midnight.
JACE
That would’ve only been a few hours after Doc Thomas died.
MADISON
You got a janitor we could call or something?
MEDICAL
Perhaps you should just try and avoid stepping in the glass for now?
JACE
So, was Matt Horner sick?
MEDICAL
Indeed. The boy was gravely ill. I observed a section of the dead man’s spleen. It’s very badly diseased.
JACE
Do you know what it was?
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Anthrax.
MADISON
Anthrax? I prefer Metallica. Specifically the Cliff Burton years.
JACE
Anthrax? But that’s a cattle disease.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
Also found in man. Contracted from sick stock or contaminated ground. Does that help you, Ranger?
JACE
Maybe. It might just clear up our whole case. Thanks, Doctor.
MEDICAL EXAMINER
You’re welcome.
JACE
C’mon, Sheriff. We need to get out to Jim Ford’s ranch.
MADISON
Ah. See. You poke a cow enough times and she’ll seek revenge.
JACE
You’re still stepping in the broken glass.
MADISON
Yes, I am. So, how are we gonna know which cow killed him? Or do you think they all ganged up on him? Ohmahgod! It’s “Animal Farm!” The barnyard animals have risen against their human masters!
JACE
I think what we’re looking at here is some sick cattle. Could explain why Jim was so anxious to sell his ranch all of a sudden.
MADISON
Okay, wait, wrapping my brain around this. So, Ford knew the cattle were sick, but he didn’t want anyone else to know so he could sell them?
JACE
It’s possible.
MADISON
That’s like when I tried to sell my Honda Civic and conveniently left out the seven accidents I’d been in. Eight! Eight accidents. Woo. That auto body shop in Tijuana could work miracles.
JACE
Chances are Matt found out the cattle had anthrax, but didn’t know he had it himself.
MADISON
And that’s why he went to see the doctor!
JACE
And once Doc Thomas knew there was anthrax around, he was bound to report it.
MADISON
Then how did Jim Ford find out about Matt’s diagnosis? Don’t you people in the 1920s have doctor-patient privilege? Honestly, I have no idea what the medical field was like in the 20s. I half expected to find leeches in that lab.
JACE
However Jim found out, he might’ve killed both the doc and Matt to keep them quiet.
MADISON
Do you think he’s still at the ranch? What if he sold it already? How long is escrow in Texas?
JACE
We better hurry.
MADISON
Ooo, be careful. This 1920’s car might actually break ten miles an hour.
SCENE EIGHT
JACE
Jim’s old jalopy isn’t here.
MADISON
His car is a jalopy? That thing you call a cop car looks like you operate it with pedals. Seriously. I get why you still use a horse.
JACE
Could mean he went into town. I doubt he’d try to make a getaway in that thing. Let’s try the door.
MADISON
Should I have a gun? This is really feeling like I should have a gun. But I was doin’ the whole “Andy Griffith” thing and not carrying one. But now I’m thinkin’ maybe Barney was right.
JACE
I don’t think anyone’s here.
MADISON
Not that I’ve ever used a gun. My brother did once. That’s how we lost our second nanny.
JACE
Door’s open. Looks like the bedroom is back this way.
MADISON
He didn’t shoot her or anything. She took it from him and then used it to rob a 7-11. Apparently she was wanted in three states.
JACE
Doesn’t appear like he’s taken much with him if he’s gone. But if he’s skipped out, he’s probably traveling light. Sheriff, listen.
MADISON
What is that horrible sound? Are they slaughtering the cows out back?
JACE
Sounds like that jalopy of his coming up the road. Let’s get outside. We want to take him alive. Don’t shoot unless you have to, Sheriff.
MADISON
Wait, there is gonna be shooting? I just told you I don’t have a gun! How ’bout I cower over here by this rain barrel?
JACE
Oh, that’s not Jim at all. That’s Lester.
MADISON
Good thing. I was prepared to get him very wet. Actually, probably not. I doubt I could lift this thing.
LESTER
Well, howdy, Ranger. Sheriff.
JACE
Where is Mr. Ford, Lester?
LESTER
He just made hisself a big sale on the ranch. Got a pretty penny for it.
JACE
Do you know where he’s going?
LESTER
I took him to the railroad depot so he can wait for the train.
JACE
Which train?
LESTER
The one that goes that way.
MADISON
South.
JACE
North.
MADISON
I’d go South. Mexico? If your choice is Mexico or Nebraska… Hola, amigos.
JACE
What time does the train leave Whitney?
LESTER
4:32.
JACE
It’s 4:15 now. Come on, Sheriff, we’re gonna catch a train.
MADISON
Get the horse. We’re not gonna outrun a train in that car of yours.
SCENE NINE
MADISON
I told you! The train’s leaving!
JACE
Come on!
MADISON
What do you mean “come on”? Are we seriously running to catch a train?!
JACE
Hey, porter! Don’t close those doors!
MADISON
Ohmahgod! This cliche is used in every movie with a freakin’ train! Can’t we build suspense without so much running?!
JACE
Grab onto that railing, Sheriff!
MADISON
I hate you!!!
JACE
Made it!
MADISON
Just so there’s no confusion. I will not be leaping off of this train, climbing onto the roof of this train, or dangling from any part of this train is that understood?!
JACE
Might not be up to me, Sheriff.
MADISON
He’s not in here.
JACE
Not this car. We’ll try them all.
MADISON
Aw, dammit, he better be on this stupid train. Ooo! Is that a dining car? Dining cars in movies always look so luxurious! Then I took Amtrak and it was one wobbly table and a six dollar can of Coke. Oh, damn, it smells good. Traveling used to be so elegant. Now the highlight of a trip is guessing which redneck is gonna get drunk and force us to land in Wichita.
JACE
Well, looks like Jim Ford got hungry.
MADISON
Oh, dude, that’s him! His back to us. What do we do? I still don’t have a gun. But I might still have some glass shards in my shoe.
JACE
Let’s talk to him first. Sit down at his table. Come on. Howdy, Jim.
MADISON
S’up.
FORD
What?
JACE
Mind if we join you, Mr. Ford?
FORD
No, please, sit down. I… uh… I didn’t know you two were traveling north.
MADISON
South really is the better choice.
JACE
We heard you sold the ranch.
FORD
Well, word sure does get around, don’t it? Yup, I sold my ranch like I said I was gonna do.
MADISON
How much did ya get for the sick cows?
FORD
What, uh, what are you talking about, Sheriff?
JACE
Matt Horner had anthrax. He got it from your cattle.
FORD
Why, you’re crazy.
JACE
Not as crazy as you thinking you can get away with killing Doc Thomas and Matt Horner.
FORD
Can you prove that, Ranger?
MADISON
Has anyone ever asked a cop “can you prove it” when they weren’t guilty?
JACE
Oh, I think we can prove it. And we’ll start with this.
FORD
Hey! What’re you doing?
JACE
Just taking the gun out of your shoulder holster. It was so big I couldn’t miss it.
MADISON
Ooo! Can I have it?
JACE
No.
FORD
Well, Ranger, you got my gun. But you still can’t prove nothing.
JACE
I won’t have to. I’ve got a ballistics lab for that. And while we’re waiting for the lab report, you’ll cool your heels in jail.
FORD
On what charge? You can’t hold me until you get some proof.
MADISON
Another thing guilty people always say. Like, duh, the cops know the rules. Are you saying “you can’t hold me” like the cop is gonna be all, “O.M.G., I totes forgot. I guess you got me.”
JACE
We’ll hold you for carrying a concealed weapon in a public place.
MADISON
Uh… Hello, Texas? In my day, the permitless carry legislation literally says anyone can carry a concealed or holstered handgun
in public places without a license, safety training, or background check as long as they’re over twenty-one. Dead serious, September 2021. I vote we move South by Southwest to Oklahoma. Hands please?
FORD
What is she saying?
MADISON
I’m saying you’re ’bout a hundred years too early to take advantage of the Texas gun-nut laws.
FORD
Why, you!
MADISON
Ah! Ranger! Get him!
FORD
Ah! She’s pulling my hair!
MADISON
He’s running to the other end of the car!
JACE
I can’t fire, there are too many people!
MADISON
I swear to god, if he goes up on the freakin’ roof!
JACE
The crowd is slowing him down! I got him!
FORD
Let me go!
JACE
Take it easy, Ford. You’ll get off this train soon enough. Then you’ll take another little trip that ends in Huntsville.
MADISON
Huntsville? Fun fact, the Huntsville prison opened in 1849 and has conducted all of the executions in the state of Texas from then to modern day!
JACE
Yes. That’s why I mentioned it.
MADISON
Ah, Texas. Loose gun laws, severe death penalty laws. I’d say the Old West will never die, but chances are it’ll be shot or put to death.
NARRATOR
And now here are the results of the case you have just heard. Ballistics evidence proved conclusively that Jim Ford had killed Matt Horner. He was tried and convicted of first-degree murder. Ten months later, he confessed to the killing of Doc Thomas with a paperweight from the doctor’s office desk. Jim Ford died in Huntsville penitentiary of a kidney disease on June 17, 1930, just twenty days before he was due to go to the electric chair. Sheriff Madison resigned as the sheriff of Whitney, due to her inability to ride a horse, lack of gun experience, a completely fabricated resume describing her years as a “Beverly Hills Cop” and, finally, after releasing a ranch full of cattle to “face their abusers” at which time they stampeded through downtown main street, causing thousands in property damage.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
The radio drama, “Tales of the Texas Rangers” ran from 1950 through 1952 on NBC with Ranger Jace Pearson played by the well known movie star of the era, Joel McCrea. McCrea was actually a real life rancher. With the money he’d made in Hollywood, McCrea bought a ranch in what is now known as Thousand Oaks, California, about an hour drive from Hollywood — in a modern day car — where he actively worked his ranch that produced 200,000 pounds of beef each year. McCrea was known for saying ranching was his occupation and acting his hobby.