MADISON ON THE AIR: “THE CHALLENGE OF THE YUKON: MAW BAKER’S PIES & A PACK OF BACON”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: MARCH 2022
PART ONE: MAW BAKER’S PIES
SCENE ONE
ANNOUNCER
The Challenge of the Yukon!
PRESTON
On, King! On, you Huskies!
MADISON
Hey, everybody! So this show is set during the 1890’s gold rush in the absolutely frigid territory of the Canadian Yukon. It follows Sergeant Preston of the North-West Mounted Police and his, get this, “wonder dog,” King. No, seriously, this show was mainly developed around the dog. He’s like if Lassie could kick ass. Okay, back to your dressing room. We’ll call you when we need you. His dressing room is bigger than mine. Anyway, the first two hundred episodes — yeah, I said two hundred, there are over six hundred episodes total — the first two hundred were only fifteen minutes each. So we’re going to do two of those short episodes with a promo break in between. I’m gonna start us off by telling you the tale of “Maw Baker’s Pies.” The story takes place in the town of Forty Mile. It’s a real place. Look it up. So, this eight year-old kid, Jimmy, was hanging out in front of the Golden Nugget saloon. C’mon. This was the 1890s. Considering that in the 1990s my mom was having me make her gin and tonics at his age, don’t judge. Jimmy had this cute little Husky puppy named Frisky. The dog was on leash, but Huskies need a lot of exercise. If you’re interested in the breed, adopt, don’t shop. Jimmy was watching these two dudes unload their sled and the puppy was getting bored. A blanket on the sled flipped up in the wind and Frisky pulled free of the leash and starting playing with the blanket.
JIMMY
Frisky! Frisky! Come back here!
SLIP
Get away from there, you mutt!
MADISON
You did not just kick a puppy.
SLIP
What’s it to you?
JIMMY
He’s, he’s a big bully!
MADISON
And he also reeks like what I can only imagine a bear must smell like coming out of hibernation.
SLIP
Hold your tongue, woman. Or I’ll teach you and that little brat some manners.
BILL
Aw, Slip. Simmer down–
MADISON
Dude! Your name is “Slip”? What happened, did the condom come off and nine months later your dad’s like, “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we called him, ‘Slip’?”
SLIP
Don’t think I won’t hit a smart mouthed woman!
MADISON
Don’t think I won’t do to your crotch what you did to that puppy.
SLIP
Why you–!
BILL
Lookout, Slip, there’s a big Husky!
SLIP
Get him off me! Get him off me!
MADISON
That’s what your mom said about your dad and then WHOOP! Nine months later here comes little “Slip!”
PRESTON
Ho, King! Down, fella!
SLIP
Keep him away!
PRESTON
What’s going on here, anyway?
MADISON
I think your dog was administering some Frontier Justice. I tried that on this heinous woman when I was Christmas shopping, but apparently Macy’s doesn’t consider their “Winter Wonderland” display the Frontier. As the security guard made abundantly clear.
JIMMY
He’s bad, Sergeant Preston! He kicked my pup, Frisky!
PRESTON
He did?
SLIP
I was teachin’ the brat a few manners.
PRESTON
You were teaching manners?
MADISON
He can’t help being a douche. He was an unwanted baby.
SLIP
I was not–!!!
PRESTON
All right, that’s enough. Jimmy get your dog. I’ll ride you home on my sled.
JIMMY
Can Miss Madison come, too, Sergeant? She’s been helpin’ my grandma in the kitchen.
PRESTON
Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t introduce myself. I’m Sergeant Preston.
MADISON
Madison Standish. Hey. I love this whole Dudley Do-Right look. You even have the cleft chin. Is that a requirement to join the Mounties?
SLIP
Get away.
PRESTON
If you want him to keep away from you, you better stay out of trouble while you’re here in Forty Mile.
JIMMY
I got Frisky, Sergeant.
PRESTON
All right, Jim, I’m coming.
MADISON
So tell me, Sergeant Preston. Is “Mountie” a title or an action?
PRESTON
Pardon me?
MADISON
You up for some… Northern Exposure?
PRESTON
Well… uh…
MADISON
Oh. Canada.
SCENE TWO
MADISON
Hey, don’t gimme me that. If you saw him in that sexy uniform… Anyway, Jimmy lived with his grandma who everybody called “Maw Baker.” That’s “Maw” with a “W” like “C-ment pond.” Maw ran a restaurant on the edge of town. She was rugged with skin so leathery Peta would protest her face. But she was super nice and even gave me a job helping out in the kitchen. No, I wasn’t cooking. She moved me to washing dishes when I burnt the coffee. That was still in the canister. On the sled out back. As Sergeant Preston, Jimmy and I entered, King rushed in. He knew Maw was a soft touch for treats.
PRESTON
Whoa, King! Not so fast, fella!
MADISON
A big hairy dirty dog running right through the dining area. So glad you guys don’t have health inspectors yet.
MAW BAKER
Well, glory be! If it ain’t Sergeant Preston. Hello there, King, glad to see ya!
PRESTON
Hello, Maw Baker. King, stop it! You don’t have to eat her up!
MAW BAKER
Oh, now, you let him alone. He knows I keep all sorts of bones in my kitchen. Don’t ya, boy?
MADISON
Aw… man, 1890s. Well, if choking on a bone doesn’t kill him, I suppose rabies will.
JIMMY
Say, grandma! What’re these big bags over here on the counter? Why, I can’t even lift ’em!
MAW BAKER
Well, Jimmy, it appears we done run into a bit of good fortune today.
PRESTON
Are those what I think they are, Maw?
MAW BAKER
Yup! Bags of dust.
MADISON
You’re excited about bags of dust? Is that what it means to be “dirt poor?”
PRESTON
Gold dust, Miss Standish. And by the look of it, a fair sized amount.
MAW BAKER
Sure ’nuff. All told, ’bout twenty grand.
JIMMY
You mean someone just give ’em to us?
MAW BAKER
That’s right, Jimmy. Sergeant, you remember Jed Davis? That old prospector I grubstaked about a year ago?
MADISON
“Grub-stake.” I think I had that once at an organic restaurant.
PRESTON
“Grubstake” means to provide a prospector with provisions with the hope that his claim will pay out in the future.
MADISON
Well, those grubs definitely paid out. Like fire.
MAW BAKER
I gave Jed some money to get started again. Not much, just enough for grub and tools.
PRESTON
I hear he’s got one of the richest claims in the Yukon.
MAW BAKER
He sent this dust along as a thank-you.
JIMMY
Gee, Grandma, we’re rich!
MADISON
What kind of rich? Never have to work another day in your life rich, or can afford a ticket on SpaceX rich?
PRESTON
There’s nobody that deserves it more than you, Maw Baker.
MAW BAKER
Oh, go on.
PRESTON
Well, Maw, I suppose this means this town is going to lose the nicest person in it. You’ll probably be leaving us now.
MADISON
Wait! You’re closing the restaurant? Do I at least get a severance package?
MAW BAKER
I ain’t goin’ no place. I made enough money on my restaurant long ago to take me out of this place if I wanted to go.
PRESTON
You mean you’re gonna stay here and keep on feeding people even though you’re wealthy?
MADISON
O.M.G. You want to keep helping people when you could totally nope out of here and live on a beach in Cabo? Is that what it’s like to be Canadian?
MAW BAKER
Besides, this gold is gonna be saved for Jimmy. As soon as he’s old enough, I’ll send ‘im to a good school where he can get some learnin’.
MADISON
We’ll start with some classes on grammar.
MAW BAKER
As for me, I’ve been here a good many years now. Jimmy’s Maw and my son and my husband are all buried here. I don’t like leavin’ ’em.
MADISON
That’s why I’m all about cremation. Every one of my pets comes with me when I move. Except for my cat, Mr. Peanut. My grandma thought that his cedar memorial box was my grandfather’s cedar memorial box and now I have Grampy Standish instead. I tried to take Mr. Peanut’s box back, but my grandmother called the police to arrest me for stealing her husband. That was a really crazy Easter Sunday.
MAW BAKER
There’s another reason, too.
PRESTON
Another reason?
MAW BAKER
Maybe you’ll laugh at me. Think I’m a silly old woman.
MADISON
Uh, yeah! You’re rich and you don’t wanna quit your job!
MAW BAKER
This is the one place where my cookin’ is really appreciated.
PRESTON
Well, I won’t argue with you about that. Those pies you make are a work of art.
MADISON
Maw makes Marie Callender look like a contestant on the “Worst Cooks in America.”
MAW BAKER
See, Sergeant, the way that I figure it is this. Some folks can sing, some can act — I can cook. A singer must feel mighty grand when she sings her song and the audience claps and yells and makes her sing it again. It ain’t the money she gets for doin’ it, it’s the feelin’ inside that people appreciates her.
MADISON
Yeah, she doesn’t want to get paid for her time and talent. She just wants the exposure.
MAW BAKER
Sergeant, there ain’t a more appreciative audience than a hungry man who feels his stomach about to bust open with good vittles. I’d sure miss it if I left these parts.
MADISON
That didn’t at feel at all like the writers were trying to indoctrinate the little girls in the audience to be satisfied with dedicating their lives to catering to men. Nah.
MAW BAKER
Well, bless us! King thinks I’m a mighty thoughtless one. You want those bones, don’t you, boy?
PRESTON
Now, don’t let him bother you, Maw.
MAW BAKER
Oh, it’s all right. I got to put some pies in the oven.
MADISON
You want me to help?
MAW BAKER
Oh, no, dear. I still can’t figure out how you started a fire in snow. Why don’t you come back after closing to help clean up.
MADISON
Well, okay, but I break plates like I’m at a Greek wedding. Later, Mountie!
PRESTON
Maw, you really are an old softy, taking in that girl.
MAW BAKER
Sergeant, when I found her she was so out-of-sorts, she kept callin’ this place “Lake Tahoe” and askin’ where the “ski lift” was? I assumed she was half dead from exposure.
SCENE THREE
MADISON
So with some time to kill, I headed back over to the Golden Nugget saloon. Slip and his buddy, Bill, were the only other customers in there, and when they offered to buy me drinks… well… let’s just say free booze absolves all sins. Okay, stay with me. In “The Proposal,” Sandra Bullock, who is an American, plays a Canadian, and Ryan Reynolds, who is a Canadian, plays an American. Huh?
SLIP
Yeah, uh, have another drink, Madison.
MADISON
And Betty White played a half Native American woman? I mean, Betty White as a Person of Color? It’s okay, we can let it go. It’s Betty White.
SLIP
Yeah… right. How ’bout that drink. Hey, Louie, ‘nuther round!
LOUIE
Comin’ up!
MADISON
Dude, slow it down. This Frontier whiskey is some serious stuff. I don’t think I’ve been this buzzed since I did those Everclear Jell-O shots in college. Lime Jell-O still makes me heave.
BILL
Aw, you look like you can handle yourself.
MADISON
Yeah… but I gotta get back to Maw Baker’s to help clean up after the dinner rush. And while I probably worked about half of my Applebee’s shifts wasted, I did have the most accident reports. Like not just my store. Statewide.
SLIP
Maw Baker probably won’t do any more cookin’ now that she’s rich.
MADISON
Oh, yes she will. That woman’s crazy. She gets handed twenty grand and she still wants to keep working. I mean, in old timey money, that must be, what? Like, maybe not Bezos level, but surely Walmart, keep your employees on welfare and reap the profits, level.
SLIP
You say… twenty thousand?
MADISON
I dunno, did I? I am pretty wasted.
BILL
Does Maw Baker got a husband?
MADISON
Dead. The whole family died of COVID. I mean Diphtheria. Ya know, Diphtheria was super rampant in Canada until, hello? They developed a vaccine! I bet they didn’t have any protests with dog sled convoys.
BILL
So, she’s all alone?
MADISON
Nah. She got saddled raisin’ her grandson. Why? You wanna marry her?
BILL
Well, a rich wife who can cook ain’t a bad deal.
MADISON
Neither is a rich husband who can cook. Except for Gordon Ramsey. It’s not the epic shouting and belittling that bothers me. He’s just ugly.
SLIP
So… she lives alone with that little grandson?
MADISON
She lets me crash on a cot in back of the kitchen. Which I did once at Applebee’s. Not by choice. That’s just where I woke up.
SLIP
Maybe we better go and sample one of her suppers tonight.
MADISON
No chance. She closes about now.
SLIP
Ain’t that interestin’…
MADISON
We can share some bar food. Hey, Louie, you got some buffalo wings?
LOUIE
Wings? Uh, I’ve got some buffalo rawhide.
MADISON
M-kay. What’re your choice of sauces?
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
So Louie had to help me back to Maw Baker’s cafe. Tip for ya. Don’t puke in snow shoes. Every time you step they act like tennis rackets serving up vomit chunks in your face. Anyway, little did I know at the time, Slip and Bill were heading over to Maw’s place, too.
BILL
Slip, do ya think Maw still has the gold in her place?
SLIP
Yeah, she must’ve. She ain’t had time to take it anywhere yet.
BILL
I’m worried about that Mountie. He’s right here in town.
SLIP
Quit thinkin’ ’bout that Mountie. We got the sleddin’ dogs all ready. We’ll tie and gag the woman and the kid, and then we’ll be across the border before mornin’.
BILL
What about Madison?
SLIP
Ain’t no way she’s gonna wake up from that much whiskey any time soon.
BILL
Frankly, I’m surprised she’s still breathin’. She had enough whiskey to take down a grizzly.
SLIP
Yeah. We gotta get that gold to make up for her bar tab.
MAW BAKER
Well, hello there, strangers. I’m sorry, we’re all closed up. There ain’t a scrap left to feed ya.
SLIP
We didn’t come for food, Maw Baker.
JIMMY
You’re the one who kicked Frisky! You get outta here!
SLIP
That’s enough outta you, kid. Maybe you didn’t see this gun.
MAW BAKER
What do you want?
SLIP
We heard that you got a fortune today. Now, if you’re willin’ to be reasonable and share it with us, maybe there won’t be any trouble.
MAW BAKER
You mean, you’re tryin’ to rob me? Why you–
SLIP
You wouldn’t want to see your grandson get hurt, would ya?
MAW BAKER
Don’t you threaten my grandson.
SLIP
Then tell us where you hid that gold.
MAW BAKER
You better get out of here in a hurry. Sergeant Preston is comin’ here to get a pie I promised him, so you better git!
BILL
Sergeant Preston! Slip, maybe we better get outta here.
MADISON
My bad! Also me!
BILL
Madison? How is she still–
SLIP
Hold on, Bill. We can use Madison. One way we can make sure that Preston won’t come here for pie, is if we send the pie to him. Now come on, old lady, and no fancy tricks, neither. Tell that girl to take a pie to Preston and say nothin’ ’bout this to him. You got that? ‘Cuz I’d hate somethin’ to happen to your little grandson here.
JIMMY
Why, you big bully!
MAW BAKER
Quiet, Jim. I’ll send the pie to Sergeant Preston.
MADISON
Maw? You don’t happen to have a wet vac, do ya?
SCENE FIVE
PRESTON
Well, King, I guess it’s time to turn in. I need to sleep. What’s the matter, boy? Why, hello, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Uh… I got your pie.
PRESTON
My what? Say, won’t you come in?
MADISON
Thanks. I just need to sit down for a sec.
PRESTON
Did you walk all the way over here without snow shoes?
MADISON
That’s a whole story. King, sweetie, you wanna fetch me some Pepto?
PRESTON
Uh… are you all right?
MADISON
Do you think you could turn down that candle light? It’s really bright.
PRESTON
Ah. Spent some time at the Golden Nugget tonight, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Well, it’s not like your gold rush boom town has a movie complex.
PRESTON
So, this pie is from Maw Baker?
MADISON
Don’t worry, I had nothing to do with making it.
PRESTON
I’m just surprised she’s sending me a pie. Why, I only left her a couple of hours ago.
MADISON
Look, if you don’t want the pie, feed it to the dog, I don’t care. You’re excited now, King, but your diet of bones and human scraps is totally gonna shorten your life. All I know is, Maw told me I had to bring the pie to you right away. Wouldn’t even let me sleep it off first.
PRESTON
Well, I certainly can’t turn down one of Maw Baker’s pies. So thank you, Miss Standish. Hmmm. King, I believe we’re going to have a guest bunking with us tonight. My, but this is a mighty heavy pie. Do you want piece, boy? Oh, don’t believe what she said about eating human food. Here, let me cut you a… Well, now. I guess we won’t eat pie tonight, fella. Maw Baker must be in some kind of trouble. Come on, boy, we better get over there as fast as we can.
MADISON
What?! Where?! Oh, hey, you wouldn’t happen to have one of those Saint Bernards with the little barrel of Brandy around his neck? Ya know, hair of the dog? Not your hair. Huskies shed like a cheap wig after Halloween.
SCENE SIX
MADISON
So back at Maw Baker’s, those two nasty dudes had totes trashed the place. Like, tables overturned, drawers dumped out. There was flour and sugar and vegetables spilled all over the floor. It looked like a hurricane and an earthquake got it on in that kitchen. Maw and Jimmy were both tied to chairs and Slip was pacing… majorly P.O.ed.
SLIP
Now, listen old woman, this is your last chance. No more false leads or the kid gets it. Where is that gold?
BILL
It ain’t in that vegetable bin. She was lyin.’
SLIP
Did you look in them cupboards?
BILL
Yeah. Ain’t nothin’ there but pies.
SLIP
All right, grandma, are you gonna start talkin,’ or do I pull this trigger?
PRESTON
Get him, King!
SLIP
No! No! Get away!
PRESTON
All right, boy, hold him there.
MAW BAKER
Oh, Sergeant, I knew you’d come!
JIMMY
Gee, Sergeant Preston, King knew he was bad, just as well as I did!
MADISON
Well, Sergeant, thanks for the ride back. But I gotta crash.
SLIP
I knew we shouldn’t have sent you, Madison. Ya talked, didn’t ya?
MADISON
Oh, Slip-n-slide. What’re you doin’ here?
PRESTON
Madison didn’t say a word. Although she did leave a mess on my cabin floor.
MADISON
What are you complaining about? King ate it, didn’t he?
MAW BAKER
So, Sergeant, did you get my message?
BILL
Message? What message?
PRESTON
Yes, Maw. I’ve heard of four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie, but when it came to a pie filled with gold dust — I thought I’d better investigate. Here, let me untie you. Watch them, boy.
SLIP
Gold dust in a pie?
MAW BAKER
I didn’t have time to take it to the bank, so I covered it with pie crust.
BILL
You mean…? All them pies in that cupboard?
PRESTON
It takes a smart crook to fool you, Maw Baker.
JIMMY
And there ain’t any that can fool you and King!
MAW BAKER
Sergeant, I don’t know how to thank ya.
PRESTON
I’ll tell you how, Maw. Tomorrow when we come for dinner, see that we get a pie from the right shelf. We like your cooking better than the gold dust. Don’t we, King?
MADISON
Wait… was I not supposed to eat one of those pies? It was a little gritty but I was so drunk that…Oh, god. C’mon, King, you’re gonna have to help clean this one up. Oh…
PROMO BREAK: HORROR SHOP RADIO
PART TWO: A PACK OF BACON
SCENE SEVEN
MADISON
Okay, you guys, so I might’ve blacked out after that whole whiskey and pie thing. I hope. Because this is where everything gets super surreal. The next story is called, “A Pack of Bacon.” Sorry. There wasn’t a vegan option.
NARRATOR
Corporal Standish was one of the only women on the force of the North-West Mounted Police. She smiled to herself as she glanced at her two prisoners plodding along the frozen trail. Jack Snyder and Sam MacLane, two of the wildest criminals to set foot in the Yukon. With a sense of pride, she anticipated the satisfaction she’d experience when she marched them in to headquarters. But fate sometimes cheats a person out of a hard-earned victory. Corporal Standish urged her team on confidently–
MADISON
Mush, you malamutes, mush! Get along little doggies! Oh, wait, wrong genre. Sorry! Don’t gimme attitude, Buttercup. You eat your own poop!
NARRATOR
But at the same moment, Jack Snyder spoke guardedly to his partner.
JACK
At the rate we’re travelin’, both of us will be lookin’ through bars mighty soon unless we make a break.
SAM
Yeah, well it looks like you and that Mountie have been kinda palsy. Maybe you figure she’ll close her eyes and let us run away.
JACK
I’ve been tryin’ to make her think that she can take us in without any trouble.
SAM
Yeah, just two model prisoners.
MADISON
Hey! What are you two talkin’ about up there, huh? Is it me? Are you talkin’ about me? I know what gossiping looks like!
SAM
No, Corporal Standish, nothin’ like that!
JACK
We were just mentionin’ how it was gettin’ dark and wonderin’ when we might stop and make camp.
MADISON
Oh. Eh… I guess now would be good. Whoa, you malamutes! Whoa!
JACK
Okay, Sam. When we bunk down for the night, watch me.
SAM
You mean you got somethin’ planned?
JACK
Don’t I always?
MADISON
Dang it, dogs! Stop already!
SAM
Jack! She’s mushing the team right for that clump of timber!
MADISON
Gah! How do you “un-mush?”
JACK
We’re gonna hit!
NARRATOR
Corporal Standish drove the team right into a row of trees. The dogs overturned the sled, knocking Standish and her prisoners off their feet. That was all Jack Snyder needed.
JACK
Sam! Grab her gun!
SAM
I’ve got it!
MADISON
Hey! Chill out! We’ve all been in an accident. Let’s take a moment to breathe. Now, is everybody okay? Quit your whimpering. I did tell you to “un-mush.” Who said that?!
JACK
Corporal–
MADISON
Was that you, Buttercup?
JACK
Corporal–
MADISON
I saw that look!
JACK
CORPORAL!
MADISON
What?!
JACK
We have your gun. We’re takin’ the sled and leavin’ ya here.
MADISON
You’re gonna pull that sled by yourselves through the snow?
JACK
We’re also takin’ the dog team.
MADISON
What?
SAM
That was kinda presumed with us takin’ the sled.
MADISON
Well, good luck with Buttercup, because she’s a bitch. Literally and figuratively, yes!
NARRATOR
The young Mountie stood watching Jack Snyder upright the sled as Sam MacLane brought the team back into position.
JACK
Everything ready?
SAM
Yeah, come on.
JACK
So long, Corporal Standish. Sorry it was necessary to take all your grub.
MADISON
I’m on a diet anyway, and if I eat one more loaf of that Bannock bread, I’m gonna have to go up a pant size.
JACK
You might not have to worry about that. You’re miles from nowhere, Mountie, and if the wolves don’t get cha, the cold will.
SAM
I still think we should drop her.
MADISON
Yeah, you can drop me off at the nearest trading post. I can get a ride from there. Do they have dog sled Ubers?
SAM
I mean “drop” like, kill you.
MADISON
Okay, I like that idea a lot less.
JACK
It’s better this way. If we kill her, someone might find her. Maybe before we get to Skagway. And then they’d come after us. This way, she’ll do a lot of wandering without dogs and no gun, and when and if she’s found, it’ll look like what you might call a… natural death.
MADISON
Is there maybe an option “C” we can consider?
JACK
Get the dogs goin’, Sam.
SAM
Mush, you malamutes, mush!
MADISON
Oh, sure! You listen to them! I’m gettin’ real close to becoming a cat person!
SCENE EIGHT
NARRATOR
Corporal Standish had one thought as she walked along the moonlit trail…
MADISON
Well, this sucks.
NARRATOR
The young policewoman set a brisk pace for herself, realizing she must cover as much territory as possible while she still had her strength.
MADISON
Why don’t I preserve my strength and go slowly?
NARRATOR
Well… because. Uh… The Yukon Wilderness was the land of wild beauty and brooding stillness. It presented a terrible challenge for human survival.
MADISON
Yeah, yeah, I get it, the “Challenge of the Yukon.” I’m still not running in snow.
NARRATOR
Corporal Standish now remembered the men who died on the trail — unable to bare the cold and hardship of the merciless country.
MADISON
…Died?
NARRATOR
Yes, died. Starvation, freezing to death, attacked by wolves, bears, any number of predators that might be hiding just beyond that tree line.
MADISON
Okay, pickin’ up the pace.
NARRATOR
She kept walking, her feet aching and blistered in her boots.
MADISON
You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
NARRATOR
You were the one who overturned the sled and let your prisoners get the upper hand on you.
MADISON
Oh, way to rub that in! Like this isn’t hard enough without you gettin’ in my head about it?
NARRATOR
Daylight came… then another day… and Corporal Standish began losing track of time…
MADISON
To be fair, I couldn’t keep track of time before, either, because my phone has no service and I never learned how to read a watch dial. I acknowledge that that is a problem with my generation. But nothin’ I can do about it now. Shut up! Aw, great. Got to keep… going. I’m so tired. Snow sucks. The next show I end up in better be set in the Hawaii.
NARRATOR
She was heading for Sergeant Preston’s territory, but she could no longer tell if she was going in the right direction, or if she had lost the trail.
MADISON
You could tell me.
NARRATOR
Where’s the fun in that?
MADISON
Bitch.
NARRATOR
She took two more steps and… Face plant!
SCENE NINE
NARRATOR
The great dog, King, tilted his nose up into the sharp Yukon air.
PRESTON
On, King! On, you huskies! King’s more ahead of the dogs than with them. All right, fella, what’s the idea? Don’t the dogs go fast enough for you?
NARRATOR
But King wasn’t listening. His sense of smell often told him things long before his ears picked up a sound. And now, he caught the scent of a person he recognized. A person Sergeant Preston knew. King glanced back toward the Mountie.
PRESTON
What is it?
NARRATOR
In answer, King raced along the trail, knowing the Mountie would follow him.
PRESTON
On, you huskies!
SCENE TEN
NARRATOR
King stopped beside the unconscious woman minutes before the sled reached the spot.
MADISON
Eh… smelly dog breath. What did you do, have skunk for lunch?
PRESTON
Ho, you huskies! Ho! Corporal Standish! Have you been wounded?
MADISON
No, but I was left to freeze to death or starve to death or… be eaten to death.
PRESTON
How did you lose your sled?
MADISON
I blame Buttercup. Don’t you try and defend her! Okay, okay. Maybe it was more because of the prisoners I was escorting.
PRESTON
Prisoners? Who were they?
MADISON
Jack Snyder and Sam MacLane.
PRESTON
Oh, that’s a dangerous pair.
MADISON
I am so glad to see you! How close are we to a hotel? First, I’ll start with a hot shower, then a gourmet meal, maybe a massage… Oh! I could totally go for a seaweed wrap.
PRESTON
King, get the dogs ready.
MADISON
Is it really far to the hotel?
PRESTON
Jack Snyder and Sam MacLane are wanted men.
MADISON
Duh, I know. That’s why I arrested them. So, you think we’ll make it to the hotel before sunset?
PRESTON
We need to retrace your steps and see if we can’t find some evidence of the direction they took.
MADISON
After you drop me at the hotel, you mean.
PRESTON
There is no such hotel. And we are North-West Mounted Police. Our job is to keep law and order.
MADISON
Dude! I’ve been wandering the frozen wilderness, wet and starving, for days! That doesn’t qualify me for a night off?
PRESTON
We have a duty. Come along. You can ride in the sled. I think I still have some Bannock bread in there.
MADISON
Uck! Geez! I’m so calling my union rep.
SCENE ELEVEN
NARRATOR
Early the next morning, the two fugitives, still well ahead of the pursuing Mounties, turned off the trail. Heavy snow covered their tracks. Toward mid-afternoon, they made camp and together went out with the Mountie’s rifle to hunt for some game. When they returned to their camp, the snow had stopped falling.
JACK
This is one night we won’t have to settle for bacon.
SAM
Good thing you dropped this doe. Hey, Jack, somebody’s been here while we was gone!
JACK
Somebody, nothin’. Look at these tracks. A bear.
SAM
And he got into the grub! Made off with the last piece of bacon!
JACK
Well, I was gettin’ sick of eatin’ bacon, anyway.
SCENE TWELVE
NARRATOR
Meanwhile, Sergeant Preston and Corporal Standish stopped at the part of the trail where Jack Snyder and Sam MacLane had made their turn.
PRESTON
This is the trail to Skagway. But we’ll never make it before nightfall. Let’s set up camp here. Ho, you huskies, ho!
MADISON
Good timing. I need to find me a tree to water.
PRESTON
Don’t wander too far into the woods. There are a lot of wolves around these parts.
MADISON
I know! I know! I can’t believe I’m actually missing highway rest stops. Who knew there’d be something worse than worrying about getting attacked by a serial killer when you stop to pee at three A.M. in the middle of nowhere Idaho.
NARRATOR
With a strong sense of protection, King hurriedly followed Corporal Standish into the thick timber.
MADISON
King! Privacy, please! I do not want to be nose to nose with a dog while I’m squatting to pee! I know you pee in front of people all the time, but that’s your choice.
NARRATOR
King’s nose tilted in the air, sampling the smells around him.
MADISON
Don’t sniff my naked butt! What kind of a perve dog are you?
NARRATOR
Suddenly, King’s mighty nose was drawn to something deeper into the woods. Immediately he took off at top speed.
MADISON
Dammit! Preston is gonna be cheesed off if I lose his stupid dog. King! King! Get back here! Un-mush!
NARRATOR
King was closer to the scent now. He stopped to evaluate his position. He knew that scent well. It was a bear.
MADISON
A bear!
NARRATOR
Yes. And it’d probably be better if you were quiet right now.
MADISON
We once had a bear swimming in my parent’s pool. My sister didn’t know and when she came home from school, I told her I’d give her twenty bucks if she ran outside right then and did a cannon ball into the pool. I don’t know who was more surprised, my sister or the bear. We had to tranquilize both of them.
NARRATOR
To continue. King could smell the bear, but with that scent… came another scent… Bacon.
MADISON
Bacon! I smell bacon! Gotta be bacon, only one thing smells like bacon! And that’s bacon! Bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, BACON! C’mon, the Beggin’ Strips commercial? Nothin’?
NARRATOR
Where would a bear find bacon in the wilderness? He must’ve gone into a man’s camp and eaten man’s food. The great dog knew no bear had broken into Sergeant Preston’s rations, so there must be another camp in the vicinity.
MADISON
The dog knows all that? I think you’re giving way more credit to an animal who spends half his day licking his privates.
NARRATOR
Will you be quiet?!
SAM
Jack, you hear that?
MADISON
Okay, narrator, voice-in-my-head, this is all on you!
SAM
Sounds like it came from that timber over there.
JACK
Eh, you’re imaginin’ things.
NARRATOR
King raced back across the snow covered country with Corporal Standish stumbling over rocks and tree stumps with the grace of a three legged moose.
MADISON
I don’t need your commentary!
NARRATOR
Upon returning to Sergeant Preston, the mighty Husky was anxious to bring his master back to the camp he had found.
PRESTON
What is it, boy? Where have you been? And where’s Corporal Standish?
MADISON
It’s a good thing this snow is soft, because I’m gonna collapse right about… Ow. Okay… didn’t see the boulder under the snow. Ow.
PRESTON
King? Why are you getting the team lined up? I don’t know what you’re trying to say.
NARRATOR
King knew the distance could be covered much faster in the sled, and he used every device he could think of to make the Mountie understand him.
PRESTON
Why are you grabbing my sleeve and pulling me towards the sled? You want me to get the team ready to mush? Come on, Corporal Standish!
MADISON
I just got here.
PRESTON
Whatever it is, King thinks I should see it now, and that’s what we’re going to do. Let’s go!
MADISON
Can’t I rest first? Exposure to the elements, barely any food, and I… might have a concussion from this boulder.
PRESTON
On, King! On, you huskies!
MADISON
I’m really starting to hate him. And by “him” I mean the dog.
SCENE THIRTEEN
NARRATOR
King led the team to the small camp where Jack Synder and Sam MacLane sat by the fire. It was too late when they recognized Corporal Standish as the sled approached them.
PRESTON
Ho, you huskies! Ho!
MADISON
Yeah, that’s MacLane and Snyder.
SAM
She found us! I told you we should’ve dropped her!
MADISON
Oh, my, gawd, could you keep it down? Between you and those damn barking dogs, my head is splitting!
PRESTON
All right. I’ve got you two covered. Come along peacefully.
JACK
Okay, Mountie, you caught us.
PRESTON
Oh, it wasn’t me. It was King. Come on, Corporal Standish, let’s take these men in. Your case… is closed. Uh… Corporal Standish? Huh… maybe we should stop by a doctor first, huh, boy?
SCENE FOURTEEN
SUZY
Good morning, Mr. Holiday.
DAN
Good morning, Suzy. Did you have a nice weekend?
SUZY
Oh, yes, sir. But my Monday isn’t startin’ out on the right foot, so to speak.
DAN
How’s that?
SUZY
If I may draw your attention to the sofa in your office?
DAN
Suzy! There’s a strange woman sleeping on my sofa!
SUZY
You noticed that, too, huh?
DAN
Well… who is she?
SUZY
For that, I have no answer.
MADISON
On, you Huskies! Mush, you malamutes!
DAN
Have you tried waking her?
SUZY
Oh, no, Mr. Holiday. I read that it is very dangerous to wake up somebody while they was dreamin’. They could have a minor cardinal infraction.
DAN
You mean a myocardial infarction.
SUZY
Or worse, a heart attack.
DAN
Does she have a handbag? Maybe we can find her name in her pocketbook.
SUZY
No, but she did come with this letter. It’s addressed to Box 13.
DAN
Then why didn’t you say so– Let me see the letter. “I’m in terrible trouble. Please come with me to room 718 of the Bradford Hotel. It’s urgent. Signed… Madison Standish.”
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“The Challenge of the Yukon” first aired in 1938 and was created by George Trendle who also brought “The Lone Ranger” and “The Green Hornet” to the airwaves. It ran in the fifteen minute format until 1947 when the show was moved to television for a two year run. By 1951 it was back on the radio, now as a full thirty minute show. And then would return, once again, to television in 1955. Oh, and fun fact, in the original episode of “A Pack of Bacon,” the character really was named Corporal Standish!