MADISON ON THE AIR: "YOURS TRULY, JOHNNY DOLLAR: THE CAYLIN MATTER"
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: NOV 2021
SCENE ONE, EPISODE ONE
MADISON
Welcome to our one year anniversary episode! What??? I know! To celebrate, we're doing an extended episode featuring the old timey radio program, "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar." From 1955 to 1960, the show aired one fifteen minute episode each weekday night. The serialized story would start on Monday and resolve on Friday. Strap in, because we're gonna perform one of those five part stories for you -- with some fun interludes in between each episode as a shout out to this fantastic podcast community. Enjoy!
ANNOUNCER
From Hollywood it's time now for--
JOHNNY
Johnny Dollar.
WALT
Walt Albright, Johnny, Trinity Mutual Limited.
JOHNNY
Oh, hi, ya, Walt, how's your health?
WALT
Terrible, since you asked. I got asthma, Johnny.
JOHNNY
Again?
WALT
Yeah, I know. I get suspicious, I get asthma. Happens every time. Kill me, will ya?
JOHNNY
What's the case, Walt?
WALT
Man named Eddie Caylin. C-A-Y-L-I-N. Out in Los Angeles. Died yesterday. Five thousand dollar policy. Double indemnity.
JOHNNY
What'd he die of?
WALT
"Mysterious circumstances."
JOHNNY
Well, that's usually a fatal disease, all right.
WALT
That's it, Johnny, that's all I know. "Mysterious circumstances." The body was identified by the widow.
JOHNNY
I see.
WALT
Our salesman out there can probably help you. She issued the policy only six weeks ago at the request of the widow.
JOHNNY
She? Then don't you mean "saleswoman"?
WALT
Yeah, I guess I do, Johnny. Six weeks, one premium paid, signed by the widow.
JOHNNY
Tell me something. Would the beneficiary happen to be...
WALT
That's right. The widow. Oh, this asthma is killing me, Johnny, you gotta do something about it.
JOHNNY
All right, Walt, just call me "doctor."
ANNOUNCER
Tonight, and every weekday night, Bob Bailey and--
MADISON
Oh, it's not Bob Bailey. He's amazing but, ya know, dead. David Pinion is actually playing the role for us.
ANNOUNCER
Oh, I didn't realize. I'll say that again. Tonight, and every weekday night, David Pinion and the transcribed adventures of the man with the action packed expense account. America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator--
JOHNNY
Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar.
SCENE TWO, EPISODE ONE
JOHNNY
Expense account submitted by Special Investigator, Johnny Dollar, to the home office, Trinity Mutual Insurance Company Limited, Hartford, Connecticut. The following is an accounting of expenditures during my investigation of "The Caylin Matter." Item one, a hundred and ninety-eight dollars and twenty cents. Airfare and incidentals, Hartford to Los Angeles. I hadn't arranged for anyone to meet me when I arrived in L.A., so I picked up my bags and headed for the taxi stand.
MADISON
Mr. Dollar! Johnny! Stop already, would ya!
JOHNNY
Well, hello, there. Do we know each other, or is that just wishful thinking?
MADISON
I was waiting for you. At the terminal. Which is super weird not having any TSA or metal detectors or anything. Like, seriously, I coulda just hopped on any plane I wanted with a bomb in my purse and no one woulda stopped me.
JOHNNY
Perhaps you would've had a run-in with a ticketing agent.
MADISON
Kindergarteners have more security at schools than your 1950's airports.
JOHNNY
Are... we going to get around to an introduction? Because otherwise, I have somewhere to be.
MADISON
Impatient, much? Geez. I'm only out of breath here, but no, let's do this on your time.
JOHNNY
My apologies.
MADISON
I'm Madison Standish.
JOHNNY
Oh, yeah, you're the district salesman for -- pardon me, saleswoman -- for Trinity Mutual.
MADISON
I think the P.C. term would be "salesperson."
JOHNNY
Well, how are you, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Exhausted. I gave myself the standard two hour window to get here, but like, LAX in the 50s is basically the size of a Costco parking lot with a plane in it. So I've had a lot spare time.
JOHNNY
Come on, let's add to my expense account with a cup of coffee.
MADISON
Coffee? I love you.
JOHNNY
Uh...
MADISON
Sorry, you don't know what coffee means to me. I have a Starbuck's mermaid tattoo. If you play your cards right, I'll show you where.
SCENE THREE, EPISODE ONE
JOHNNY
Expense account, item two. Three dollars and sixty-five cents for coffee. The high price of the coffee was so I didn't have to pay the high price of actually seeing Madison's tattoo.
MADISON
I really feel like crap about this whole Caylin policy thing. It's so very much my fault.
JOHNNY
I don't see how, unless you murdered Eddie Caylin.
MADISON
No, it's like, I shouldn't've written the policy. I knew it right when it happened.
JOHNNY
Oh? What do you mean?
MADISON
I'm new to selling insurance, and I... I kinda suck at it.
JOHNNY
It can't be that bad. Tell me, what happened when you met with the Caylins?
MADISON
Well, Mr. Caylin totally wasn't into it. Like, I'm following the handbook trying to point out the retirement security factors in our multiple endowment plan, blah, blah, blah...
JOHNNY
You didn't actually say "blah, blah, blah" did you?
MADISON
No. I only say that if I run into words I don't know how to pronounce.
JOHNNY
I see.
MADISON
And the dude laughed at me. He was such a douche. I mean, I know this insurance stuff is a snore-fest, but c'mon. You people called me.
JOHNNY
What about Mrs. Caylin? What was her attitude?
MADISON
She was flip side. Like, super serious.
JOHNNY
Wasn't she the one who actually applied for the policy?
MADISON
Well, not technically, 'cuz beneficiaries are not supposed to. It's a major no-no.
JOHNNY
Yeah, Yeah, I know, but... didn't she?
MADISON
I guess. I mean, she was the one who called and asked me to come out and talk to her husband. But you know how guys are. They neglect everything until the power is shut off and then you have to wait on hold with DWP for an hour and a half while they cut out to go to a bar so they "don't miss the big game".
JOHNNY
I suppose...
MADISON
I dunno. He signed the application but he acted like it was all a big joke. Like he was doing her a favor.
JOHNNY
And now it turned out to be a ten thousand dollar favor. What kind of a woman is she?
MADISON
Well, uh... good hair. Dressed well. She had these really cute 50's suit and skirt combos--
JOHNNY
I mean, what is she like as a person?
MADISON
I just told you. I can give you insight into a woman's soul entirely based on her choice of lip color.
JOHNNY
That's... impressive.
MADISON
Honestly, though, I felt sorry for her. You could tell she was in a loveless marriage with a total tool.
JOHNNY
A real happy fella, huh? But Eddie Caylin didn't laugh himself to death.
MADISON
That happened to one of the girls in my sorority. She'd been sick, with a real bad cough, so we all decided to cheer her up and watch "The Hangover" with her. Well, just at the part where that little naked Asian guy jumps on that dude's back, she started laughing so hard she inhaled her cough drop. She was choking, but the rest of us were so drunk on vodka and Nyquil shots that we didn't notice. We all got A's that semester.
JOHNNY
Uh-huh. So, Mrs. Caylin hasn't filed the claim yet?
MADISON
No, but I know she will. That's why I called Hartford. I knew they'd be totally pissed at me. I'm probably gonna get fired.
JOHNNY
Oh, I've been in the insurance game a long time. If I've learned anything, it's that people are as unpredictable as blue skies on a rainy day.
MADISON
What's it like being an insurance investigator? That sounds tons more fun than selling boring old policies.
JOHNNY
Well, I wouldn't say "fun" per se--
MADISON
Could you teach me? Like be my mentor? I'm sure I'd be way better at investigating than selling insurance!
JOHNNY
I wouldn't sell yourself short. I'm sure you'll get the hang of it.
MADISON
Yesterday I sold a life insurance policy to a test pilot for the air force. It's 1956. I didn't know you guys didn't have NASA yet! He's so gonna blow up in a rocket. C'mon, help me out here.
JOHNNY
Well, I guess it couldn't hurt for you to tag along.
MADISON
Yay! What do we do first?
JOHNNY
I was gonna go to see the police sergeant in charge of Eddie Caylin's case.
MADISON
Or... and hear me out. Tacos.
SCENE FOUR, EPISODE ONE
JOHNNY
Expense account, item three: Twelve dollars and thirty-five cents. Taxi fare to... "Pedro's Casa de Tacos," a "Sombrero Platter," and a second taxi to the West Los Angeles precinct police station.
MADISON
Okay, so who are we here to see?
JOHNNY
Well, the case isn't being handled by any of the usual departments--
MADISON
Oh, again, sorry about spilling that salsa on your shirt.
JOHNNY
Yeah. Forget it.
MADISON
You can add the shirt to your expense account, right?
JOHNNY
Let's try and go easy on the expense account, shall we? Or Trinity Mutual will fire both of us.
REYNOSA
You must be Mr. Dollar. I'm Detective Sergeant Jose Reynosa.
JOHNNY
Good to meet you, Sergeant.
REYNOSA
Pull up a chair, Mr. Dollar. And who's this with you?
MADISON
Madison Standish. I'm his protege.
REYNOSA
Is that so?
JOHNNY
Well, hanger-on, at any rate. So, Sergeant, how is it that the Eddie Caylin case fell into your lap?
REYNOSA
That's a funny deal, Mr. Dollar. The facts of the case point in a lot of different directions. Homicide, accidental death, arson, missing persons--
MADISON
This would make an amazing true crime podcast. Have you ever thought about doing that, Johnny?
JOHNNY
You know, part of learning to be an investigator is being quiet and listening.
MADISON
Oh, sure, makes total sense. Sergeant, is it cool if I record you on my phone?
REYNOSA
Um...
JOHNNY
You mind filling me in on some of the facts of the case, Sergeant?
REYNOSA
Yeah, I'd be glad to. Uh... is she really recording me?
MADISON
Yeah, listen.
REYNOSA
"Uh... is she really recording me?"
REYNOSA
What is that device?
JOHNNY
Something you may want to confiscate if she continues recording you with it.
MADISON
Point made. Geez. I was gonna let you co-host.
JOHNNY
Back to Eddie Caylin.
REYNOSA
Sure. Last Thursday morning at 4:20 a.m. we got a call relayed through the fire department to investigate a burned automobile out by the Palos Verdes headlands.
JOHNNY
Mm-hmm.
REYNOSA
The car was lying in the bottom of a ravine below the road and it was a total loss. Apparently, the gas tank had burst and flooded the whole interior.
MADISON
How do you spell "Palos Verdes?"
JOHNNY
Now what are you doing?
MADISON
I'm taking notes in the notes app. It would go faster if I could record. Just sayin'.
JOHNNY
How about you just practice sitting still and using your ears.
MADISON
I'm sorry, but my generation has been totally ruined to sitting and absorbing information. Like, I've got to surf the web during a TV show, while playing a podcast at one and a half speed, or else I can't focus on TikTok.
JOHNNY
So, Sergeant, what did you mean by "apparently" the gas tank burst?
REYNOSA
Well, the upholstery may have been deliberately soaked with gas, the arson squad isn't sure.
JOHNNY
I see.
REYNOSA
That's why this case doesn't quite fit into any niche, Mr. Dollar. Anyway, there was a body in the driver seat burned to a cinder -- unrecognizable -- but we did recover a few personal effects. A signet ring, a keychain, a wrist watch with a strap burned off, and a wallet, badly scorched.
MADISON
Ew! Was the ring pulled off the barbecued guy's finger? I'm envisioning charred skin stuck to it. Okay, now the fajita I had isn't sitting well.
JOHNNY
Sergeant, I noticed the keychain has a metal tag with the address stamped on it.
REYNOSA
Yeah, that and a part of the drivers license are the only leads. Eddie Caylin lived at the August Terrace Apartments up on Sunnyway Drive above the strip. So we went up there and ran into a second surprise.
MADISON
Was it another body? That would make a really good plot twist for the true crime podcast.
REYNOSA
Quite the opposite. Nobody home. We obtained access and found the place in a mess. There apparently had been a fight.
MADISON
Ooo, that's juicy.
REYNOSA
Yeah, um... a chair and a couple of lamps were broken and there were blood stains in the living room.
MADISON
Oh! This is so good! Are you sure I can't record it?
JOHNNY
Quite sure. What about Mrs. Caylin?
REYNOSA
Located her the next afternoon. She'd been spending a few days at a friend's cabin up in Arrowhead.
JOHNNY
Can the friend confirm it?
REYNOSA
She was there alone. Had her own car. She might've come back to town that night, but we've got nothing to prove it.
JOHNNY
Or disapprove it.
REYNOSA
Right. Just another one of those "maybes." That's all this case is, a collection of maybes.
MADISON
That's perfect! Lots of potential for motives and murderers. This is true crime gold.
JOHNNY
Tell me, Sergeant, just who was Eddie Caylin?
MADISON
I told you already. He was a douche. No sympathy for the victim here. Got what he deserved.
REYNOSA
You knew him, Miss Standish? Maybe I should be asking you questions.
MADISON
Okay, the podcast host can't be a suspect. That doesn't work. I have to be an outside observer.
JOHNNY
I'd be happy if you observed from outside. Go on, Sergeant.
REYNOSA
Caylin called himself a "promoter." He'd done a lot of things. Been a bookie off and on. But mainly he was a gambler. Oh, and here's another "maybe" for you.
JOHNNY
How's that?
REYNOSA
According to rumors, Eddie was in an all day poker game that broke up only a few hours before we found the car. The game was supposedly run by a big time gambler named "Toppo Lanely," and word has it that Eddie cleaned up. Something over sixty thousand dollars.
MADISON
Wow, he must've been good. I think the most I ever won in Vegas was two hundred dollars. And that was just because the Black Jack dealer wanted to ask me out.
JOHNNY
There was no money found on the body?
REYNOSA
Nope.
MADISON
The dude was a charcoal briquette but, oh, yeah, the paper money would've survived the fire.
JOHNNY
Have you talked to this Toppo?
REYNOSA
Sternly. We had him in here for four hours this morning. He'd never heard of Eddie Caylin and wouldn't know a poker deck if he saw one. Spends all his spare time raising petunias and driving his dear old mother to church.
JOHNNY
Like that, huh?
REYNOSA
Like that. So here's another one for you. Maybe Toppo didn't like the idea of losing sixty grand and decided to get it back.
MADISON
Yeah, that Black Jack dealer ended up getting fired by the casino. But I like to think I made it worth his while.
REYNOSA
Or... maybe the widow wanted the insurance, or could it be somebody else took a crack at him...
JOHNNY
And it's possible, of course, that Eddie mailed the sixty grand to a blonde in Milwaukee and just ran off the road by accident.
MADISON
No, let's not go with the accident angle. It should be a crime if it's a true "crime" podcast.
REYNOSA
Well, I have to agree with Miss Standish on that one. My hunch says it's murder, not an accident. Why don't you poke into it, Mr. Dollar? See what you can find.
JOHNNY
Yeah, good idea. Come on, Madison.
MADISON
Where are we going next?
JOHNNY
I'd like to speak with Mrs. Caylin.
REYNOSA
Oh, the widow? That's a good starting point. She's out at their apartment. There's the address.
MADISON
Aw. I was hoping we'd grab lunch.
JOHNNY
Lunch? What were those tacos?
MADISON
Look, I could eat tacos at any time of the day. They don't necessarily constitute a meal.
JOHNNY
We'll see. Oh, uh, just one other thing, Sergeant Reynosa. When you gained access to the apartment, I assume the door was locked?
REYNOSA
Yeah, it took a little effort.
JOHNNY
What kind of a lock? Automatic night latch? Spring cylinder?
REYNOSA
No, it was an old fashion warded bolt.
JOHNNY
The type that has to be locked with a key?
REYNOSA
Mm-hmm. What are you getting at, Mr. Dollar?
JOHNNY
Oh, a hunch of my own, Sergeant. See you later.
MADISON
So, if we're swinging by the strip, I know of this great little Mediterranean restaurant--
JOHNNY
We're supposed to be working a case here, Madison, not working our way through an "ethnic dining experience of Greater Los Angeles."
MADISON
God, you're like my sister-in-law. L.A. is full of amazing restaurants but the only place she wanted to eat was the Cheesecake Factory. Ugh. So suburban.
SCENE FIVE, EPISODE ONE
JOHNNY
Expense account item four: two dollars taxi for Madison to go to her Mediterranean restaurant, and for me to continue on, alone, to the Caylin apartment. Madison wasn't all too happy about having to pay for her own babaganoush, but it did save me some time, and another item on this expense account. Keep the change. The August Terrace apartments, like most of them in that section, sprawled up the hill side above the street six or eight apartments on as many levels. The Caylin's apartment was at the top. I was still fifty feet from it when another taxi drove up.
MADISON
Hey, Johnny, you got money for the cab?
JOHNNY
Madison? I thought you were eating dinner at that restaurant.
MADISON
I placed the order, then I had to make a phone call, and when I turned around, you were gone. Thanks for ditching me.
CAB DRIVER #1
Hey, buddy! The lady said you were gonna pay me!
JOHNNY
Uh... yeah, hang on. Here. Keep the, uh, change.
MADISON
So, you've been notified, too?
JOHNNY
Notified?
MADISON
Yeah. When I called to check in at the office -- ya know, my boss is so thrilled about me training with you to be an investigator. He said it was a good career challenge because there was nothing more he could teach me to be a better salesperson. Isn't that sweet?
JOHNNY
Uh... Yeah... So, what were you notified about?
MADISON
Oh, he said they'd gotten a wire from the home office in Hartford. I'm guessing that's a 50's version of, what, a fax?
JOHNNY
What did the wire say?
MADISON
Mrs. Caylin has filed under the double blah, blah, blah clause of the policy.
JOHNNY
Double "blah, blah, blah?" Having trouble pronouncing "indemnity?"
MADISON
No. I was having trouble remembering indemmit-ity... in-demmity... indem... okay, I'm having trouble pronouncing it.
JOHNNY
Well, I've got news for the widow. The claim won't be paid immediately. In fact, if my hunch is right, this claim is not gonna be paid... at all.
MADISON
Whoa! Trumpets! Okay, I guess that's the end of the first episode.
ANNOUNCER
Now here's our star to tell you about tomorrow's intriguing episode of this week's story.
MADISON
It won't actually be "tomorrow." We're going straight into the next episode.
ANNOUNCER
Oh. I see. Now here's our star to tell you about the next intriguing episode of this week's story.
MADISON
And it's really this "month's" story, because we only do one show a month.
ANNOUNCER
Uck...
JOHNNY
I got this. Next, a lovely girl lies, cries, crosses her heart and hopes to die. And a killer fires from the dark. Join us, won't you?
MADISON
Which should probably be, "stay with us, won't you?" Because we're just going to do a quick promo break.
JOHNNY
Sure. Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.
PROMO BREAK: FORGOTTEN NEWS PODCAST
SCENE SIX, EPISODE TWO
ANNOUNCER
From Hollywood it's time now for--
JOHNNY
Johnny Dollar, Mrs. Caylin.
MADISON
And Madison Standish. 'Member me? Sold you the insurance policy? Hi.
LILAH
"Hi." Yes... both of you, do come in. Was there a problem with the policy, Miss Standish, that you brought an insurance investigator?
MADISON
Oh, I'm not here in a "sales" capacity. I'm training under Johnny to be an investigator since I kinda got into trouble for selling you your policy.
LILAH
I don't see why. Eddie signed off on it. And now that he's gone, I have a right to the money.
MADISON
Oh, this is a classic spouse murder. Perfect for the true crime podcast! Do you mind if I record you?
LILAH
What?
JOHNNY
Madison, this is going to be the shortest mentorship in history if you don't stop with that right now.
MADISON
Blah, blah, blah. That's not for a word I can't pronounce, by the way, but for one I try not to say on this show.
LILAH
Please, sit down.
JOHNNY
Thanks. How many keys are there to that front door?
LILAH
Keys? Well, just one. Of course, Eddie had one. Why? What difference does it make?
JOHNNY
Just about enough difference... to hang somebody.
ANNOUNCER
Tonight and every weekday night David Pinion and---
MADISON
Remember what I just said? This isn't an every weekday night thing we're doing. It should be something like, "Now, or whenever you're streaming us on demand."
ANNOUNCER
Fine. David Pinion and the transcribed adventures of the man with the action packed expense account. America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator--
JOHNNY
Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.
SCENE SEVEN, EPISODE TWO
JOHNNY
From Special Investigator, Johnny Dollar, location Los Angeles, to the home office Trinity Mutual Insurance Company, Limited, Hartford Connecticut. Assignment, "The Caylin Matter." Expense account continued.
LILAH
That's quite a dramatic statement, Mr. Dollar. Are you prepared to name that somebody who may get hanged?
MADISON
Do they actually still hang people in the 50s? I know France used the guillotine up until the 1970s! That's some Napoleon viva la France stuff right there.
JOHNNY
I don't have any names yet. All I want to do is ask you a few questions, Mrs. Caylin.
LILAH
Sergeant Reynosa already questioned me for hours. There's nothing more to answer. Will you go now, please?
MADISON
Refusing to answer questions! Classic spouse did it!
LILAH
I'm sick of being under suspicion! Of being accused!
JOHNNY
I'm not accusing you of anything. All I'm after is some information. And if you refuse to give it to me--
MADISON
You're probably guilty.
LILAH
Guilty?!
MADISON
Classic spouse did it.
JOHNNY
Good night, Mrs. Caylin.
LILAH
No! Wait, Mr. Dollar. Don't go. I'm sorry. I've been under such a strain. Forgive me.
JOHNNY
That's all right, forget it.
MADISON
Wait, does that mean she didn't do it?
JOHNNY
Madison, this is insurance investigating, not insurance jumping to conclusions.
MADISON
But that's the fun part. Trying to guess who did it.
LILAH
Who exactly did what? Eddie died in an accident.
JOHNNY
Right. And that's where our investigation will begin. It's a matter now of trying to reconstruct Eddie's life step-by-step right up until the moment he died.
MADISON
Oh. That sounds like a lot of work. Is there a Cliff's Notes version?
JOHNNY
Mrs. Caylin, can you remember anything about any places where your husband usually hung out?
LILAH
Mostly bars. But I can only think of two.
JOHNNY
Mm-hmm. What are their names?
LILAH
The, uh, Jamaican Emerald on Santa Monica Boulevard and the Brass Monkey Inn down on the strip. What difference does it make? Eddie wasn't killed in a bar.
JOHNNY
No, but he probably met people there, talked to them. You'd be surprised how much bartenders see and hear... and remember.
MADISON
Truth. When I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me, I paid the bartender at his favorite club to report back to me about him. Turns out my boyfriend wasn't cheating, but I still dumped him for the bartender. Free drinks is free drinks.
LILAH
Now, who could that be? Excuse me.
JOHNNY
Ya know, it'd be nice if you wouldn't go around accusing people of murder. Even when I have a suspicion, I don't just blurt it out to the person in question.
MADISON
Ooo... secretly suspecting them while being super nice to their face. I'm totally down with that. That's how I caught the girl who was stealing my lip gloss in high school. That was the first time I got my sister suspended.
LILAH
Yes?
DELIVERY BOY
Delivery for a "Miss Madison Standish" from King Kabab's.
MADISON
Ooo! That's the food I ordered. Hope you like shawarma!
LILAH
I suppose I can take it, thank you.
DELIVERY BOY
Wait a minute. This is pay on delivery.
JOHNNY
Pay on de-- I got it, Mrs. Caylin.
MADISON
What? I got enough for everybody!
JOHNNY
Expense account item five: twenty-two dollars and ninety-eight cents. For the Mediterranean dinner Madison ordered. Oh, make that twenty-three dollars and ninety-eight cents. I forgot about Madison's cab I also had to cover. Not wanting to waste the feast before us, Madison, Mrs. Caylin and I sat down at the dining room table to eat. I still hadn't made up my mind about Mrs. Caylin. Did I think she wasn't involved in her husband's death? Or was I... "secretly suspecting" her? Honestly, at that point... I thought it could go either way.
LILAH
So, what questions do you have for me, Johnny?
JOHNNY
"Johnny" is it? I seem to be at a disadvantage, Mrs. Caylin. I never got your first name.
MADISON
It's "Lilah," Johnny, are you gonna finish your falafel?
JOHNNY
It's all yours.
MADISON
Thanks.
LILAH
I am sorry for being so forward just then, Mr. Dollar--
JOHNNY
"Johnny" is fine... Lilah.
LILAH
All right... Johnny.
MADISON
Lilah, you done workin' on that gyro?
LILAH
Um... I suppose.
MADISON
Great, thanks.
JOHNNY
Perhaps I should get on with the questioning. How do you think it happened?
LILAH
I don't know. Not some enemy because Eddie didn't have any. Just friends. Too many friends.
MADISON
There's no such thing as "too many friends." You get enough friends and you become an influencer. Cha-ching.
JOHNNY
Who are some of Eddie's friends?
LILAH
There's only one who really fits the definition. Who really lasted. His name is Pete Steimer.
JOHNNY
Pete Steimer? Where can I find him?
LILAH
You can't. Or at least the police haven't been able to. No one's seen him since that night.
MADISON
Ooo! I bet he did!
JOHNNY
What did I just say about not announcing your suspicions?
MADISON
I just announced it to Lilah, not to Pete. And now she'll think I suspect Pete and not her. Ya see what I did there?
JOHNNY
Here, have my hummus.
MADISON
Thanks!
JOHNNY
So, Lilah, what about Eddie's other friends? The ones who don't last?
LILAH
Oh, they drift in... drift out. Depending, mostly, on whether Eddie had any money at the moment. Of course... there were... women.
JOHNNY
Oh?
MADISON
Told you he was a douche.
LILAH
Showgirls mostly. Dancers, strippers and so on.
JOHNNY
Ever hear any of their names?
LILAH
I always made a point not to. Otherwise, I would've killed him long ago.
JOHNNY
Did you kill him, Mrs. Caylin?
LILAH
Hmm. Formal again, huh? No. I didn't kill my husband.
MADISON
Secretly suspecting...
JOHNNY
Did you love him?
LILAH
That's a good question. I don't really know. I feel all hollow and smashed up inside over what happened, and yet there were times when I'd've killed Eddie myself if I had a gun. But there were other times, too, when he was so crazy-sweet that you'd want to die because you knew it would never be like that again. That was the way it was with Eddie. That's why women flocked around him. That's why they always ran from him later.
JOHNNY
You didn't run.
MADISON
Oh, don't judge her on that. I've been there, girl. I've stayed in relationships that should've ended at the appetizer.
LILAH
Do you want my last kabab?
MADISON
Thanks.
JOHNNY
Were you trying to run when you went up to Arrowhead by yourself?
LILAH
Maybe. We had a fight. I ran out and told him I wasn't coming back. And only three days later, over the radio, I heard where he had been found dead. Burnt up in his car. I guess they call it shock. I still can't really believe it. Even though I know it's true.
JOHNNY
Well, I guess you should know. I understand you're the one who identified the body.
MADISON
You had to identify his crispy remains? I bet that image is burned in your head. Ah! Oh, God! Pun not intended.
LILAH
I... identified a wallet, a wrist watch and a ring. All of them things I'd bought for him. They told me there wasn't anything that could be called a... body.
MADISON
Well, that's good at least. I hit a squirrel once and that image stayed with me for months.
JOHNNY
Let's get back, for a moment, to another question. You said you were sure it wasn't some personal enemy that killed your husband. Then what do you think?
LILAH
Well, the same as the police, I guess. That he'd won a lot of money that night from some gambler named Toppo Lanely. I supposed that's why Eddie was killed and the money wasn't found.
MADISON
Oh, right, I forgot about the gambler guy. I bet he did it.
JOHNNY
Did you know about the money, Mrs. Caylin?
LILAH
It all happened while I was up at Arrowhead. Anyway, if Eddie ever had any money, I'd be the last one to know about it. He always spent his money where it would show. Not at home. Never. I'm sorry. Like you said, I didn't run. I guess maybe I did love him, Mr. Dollar.
MADISON
He didn't deserve you.
LILAH
Is there anything else you need to know?
JOHNNY
No, I guess not. And I think I owe you an apology.
LILAH
What for?
JOHNNY
For walking in here with a preconceived opinion. For being rude. For being wrong. I'm sorry. Forgive me.
LILAH
Forgiven. Forgotten.
MADISON
I need a hug!
LILAH
Oh! Oh, my.
JOHNNY
All right, Madison, time to go.
MADISON
You hang in there, okay? We'll come back as soon as we hear anything. And we'll totally pay you the double indemmity... indemedy... inde--
JOHNNY
We'll definitely keep you informed about the case, Mrs. Caylin.
LILAH
Thank you. Good night.
MADISON
Good night!
JOHNNY
Another tip to being an investigator is not promising the beneficiary she'll get a pay out before we finish the investigation.
MADISON
Are you going to find some technicality so you don't have to pay her? Like, what, his death was out of networK?
JOHNNY
Now, wait a minute. If the claim is legitimate, it gets paid. Why were you selling insurance if you thought we're ripping people off?
MADISON
You try finding a job in the 1950s when you can only type with your thumbs.
JOHNNY
Hold it. Somebody just slipped off the corner of that terrace and hid in the shadows of that shrubbery over there.
MADISON
You sure it wasn't just a raccoon? We had one that kept setting off our light's motion sensors.
JOHNNY
You stay here, I'm gonna get a closer look.
MADISON
Careful. My brother tried that and ended up with an ass full of rabies shots.
JOHNNY
I stepped off the porch and moved toward the dark hedge of banana and scrub palm. I was watching for a sudden attack, but nothing happened. Then I heard a slight sound from the next terrace slope. I stopped at the head of the steps and listened. Nothing. The only way out to reach the street was to come past me. I started searching, on guard for an ambush, when--
MADISON
Johnny? Should I be trying to get a cab or what?
JOHNNY
Distracted, I was caught off balance. All I could see was a dark shape and a glint of metal in an upraised fist. I grabbed the arm and twisted it into his stomach. He rolled to his knees and raised his right hand. Again, I saw the glint of metal--
MADISON
Active shooter!
JOHNNY
I jumped for him, grabbed his hand, twisted it back and at the same time I swung my foot and kicked him in the jaw. Call Sergeant Reynosa will you, Madison?
MADISON
Don't worry, I got the whole thing on video! Dang it! I forgot to hit record. That happened to me when I saw Ryan Reynolds at Trader Joe's. I stalked him through the entire store and then all I had to show for it was a restraining order.
JOHNNY
The guy's out cold. Let's see about getting an introduction.
MADISON
Are you allowed even go through to just go through the dude's pockets? I couldn't even go through Ryan Reynolds' garbage.
JOHNNY
Well, I'm a bit old fashioned. I like to know the names of the people who take shots at me. Ah, here's his wallet. Huh.
MADISON
Huh, what, huh?
JOHNNY
Meet... Toppo Lanely.
MADISON
Whoa! That was a dramatic moment, wasn't it?
ANNOUNCER
Now here's our star to tell you about --the next -- intriguing episode of this month's story.
JOHNNY
Next, we meet a Latin doll from Santa Monica, an erudite bartender and a terpsichorean enthusiast. And they're all in the cast. Stay with us, won't you? Yours truly, Johnny dollar.
PROMO BREAK: VINTAGE VIDEO
SCENE EIGHT, EPISODE THREE
ANNOUNCER
From Hollywood it's--
MADISON
Actually, our show is made in North Hollywood. Ya know, if that matters.
ANNOUNCER
It doesn't. It's time now for--
JOHNNY
Johnny Dollar.
REYNOSA
This is Reynosa.
JOHNNY
Oh, hi ya, Sergeant. Any luck?
MADISON
It's the Sergeant? Put it on speaker so I can hear!
JOHNNY
I'm trying to talk to Sergeant Reynosa, do you mind?
MADISON
It's my office! C'mon!
JOHNNY
Uh, hang on a moment, Sergeant. Fine. Get on the extension.
MADISON
The what?
JOHNNY
The other phone. Pick up the other phone.
MADISON
Are you gonna conference me in?
JOHNNY
No, just pick up the other phone!
MADISON
I just pick up the other phone and he's... what? On the line? Hello? Is that you, Sergeant Sexy?
REYNOSA
Yes... it's Sergeant Reynosa, Miss Standish.
MADISON
Holy, gah! How did you do that?
JOHNNY
Please continue, Sergeant. What happened with Toppo Lanely?
REYNOSA
Nothing. This Toppo Lanely boy has been in jams before. He's a tough cookie, and we don't scare him a bit.
JOHNNY
What's his story about last night?
REYNOSA
Says he was walking through the courtyard of the apartment house when you jumped him from the bushes. Claims he thought it was a stick up and fired that shot at you in self-defense.
MADISON
Okay, he's totally cappin'. He was hiding in the bushes. The only time it's acceptable to hide in bushes, is when you've been served with an unfair restraining order. Ryan Reynolds.
REYNOSA
We can hold him overnight for carrying a concealed weapon, but that's about all. Johnny, he'll make bail in the morning.
JOHNNY
Well, fine, let him. Things aren't adding up, and it's got him worried he's being double crossed and he's fighting mad about it. On the loose, maybe he'll be a help to us.
REYNOSA
How?
JOHNNY
Maybe he can find Eddie Caylin.
MADISON
Um, fact check. Eddie's burnt toast.
JOHNNY
Wanna bet?
ANNOUNCER
Now and... On demand?
MADISON
Nailed it!
ANNOUNCER
David Pinion in the transcribed adventures of the man with the action packed expense account. America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator--
JOHNNY
Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.
SCENE NINE, EPISODE THREE
JOHNNY
From Special Investigator, Johnny Dollar, location Los Angeles, to the home office Trinity Mutual Insurance Company, Limited, Hartford, Connecticut. Assignment: "The Caylin Matter." Expense account continued.
MADISON
You actually think Eddie Caylin is still alive?
JOHNNY
It's just a hunch.
MADISON
I was once taken in by a death hoax about Taylor Swift. I don't see why they had to call the police just because I was demanding to see her body. I was distraught. I never did get my megaphone back.
JOHNNY
I'm still thinking about how the police found the door to the Caylin apartment locked on the night of Eddie's death. Locked with a
key.
MADISON
But what about "Toppo Lanely." Seriously, what kind of name is that? He doesn't sound like a big time gambler, he sounds like a clown no one wants at their birthday party.
JOHNNY
Unfortunately, a hunch isn't proof, and proof is what we have to have. Expense account item six: fourteen dollars and ten cents transportation to, and incidentals at, a dim little hole in the wall bar out on Santa Monica Boulevard called "The Jamaican Emerald."
MADISON
Well, they've certainly gone to eleven with their Caribbean theme. I expect to see Jack Sparrow behind one of those palm fronds.
JOHNNY
Yeah. If you ever wanted to drink out of a coconut, now's your chance.
MADISON
Ooo! Could we put that on the expense account?
JOHNNY
Disregard what I just said.
PEPITA
You would like a nicer table, amigo?
MADISON
Did she just address you and completely ignore that I'm sitting right next to you?
PEPITA
I am sorry. I did not see you there, señora.
MADISON
Uh, señorita, thank you very much.
PEPITA
Ah, not married then?
JOHNNY
Uh, no.
PEPITA
A new romance, perhaps?
MADISON
O.M.G.! He's like my dad's age. I've only ever dated one guy that super old, and it was only because I was flunking chemistry.
JOHNNY
You're a real asset to my ego.
PEPITA
Perhaps I shall leave you, then.
JOHNNY
No, please. Sit down and let's get acquainted. I'm desperate for good conversation.
MADISON
Oh! Are we grilling her for information?
JOHNNY
I was trying to do it a bit more subtly.
PEPITA
"Grill" me?
JOHNNY
Please, sit down. I'll buy you a drink.
MADISON
Take it. It's like pulling teeth to get this guy to put on his expense report.
PEPITA
Well, maybe for a few minutes. My name is Pepita.
JOHNNY
I'm Johnny Dollar and this is Madison Standish.
MADISON
S'up.
JOHNNY
Now, what'll ya have?
PEPITA
A... champagne cocktail.
MADISON
I want one of those coconut drinks.
JOHNNY
All right, already. Here's a coupla bucks, Madison, get you want from the bar.
MADISON
My favorite words next to "the test came back negative."
JOHNNY
For you, Pepita, here's ten bucks. What I want from you information about a customer who comes in here a lot, or used to anyway. Eddie Caylin. You know him?
PEPITA
You are not the police or you would not give me ten dollars just for talking. Sure, I know Eddie. What do you wanna know about him?
JOHNNY
When did you see him last?
PEPITA
On Thursday, the day before he was killed.
JOHNNY
How did he act? What did he say? Anything out of the ordinary?
PEPITA
He said he loved me madly, passionately, devotionally! And if I do not love him, too, he will kill himself. Just like ordinary. Que hombre. He was, how do you say... he was... the most.
JOHNNY
Quite a boy.
MADISON
Johnny, I can't buy the drinks. The bartender wants an I.D. and my drivers license says I haven't been born yet.
JOHNNY
Then sit down.
PEPITA
You want that I should get some drinks?
MADISON
That'd be great. I'll take whatever comes in a coconut.
JOHNNY
Let's just focus on the questions so my ten dollars doesn't walk away, hmm? Pepita, how long was Eddie here that night?
PEPITA
Que sabe. One hour perhaps.
JOHNNY
By himself?
PEPITA
No, with his amigo. With Pete.
JOHNNY
Pete Steimer?
PEPITA
Si.
JOHNNY
Have you seen Pete since then?
PEPITA
No. I do not think nobody has seen him.
JOHNNY
What about women?
PEPITA
Women?
JOHNNY
Yeah, other girlfriends of Eddie's. Next to you, of course.
MADISON
Ew! You dated a married man? If you don't know he's married it's not your fault, but if you do know he's married you are a lady douche.
PEPITA
Si, I know. But I not take Eddie for serious.
MADISON
Douchette.
JOHNNY
Any of his other women work in the nightclub here?
PEPITA
Eddie he was too smart for that. In each one place, only one girl. That way, no trouble. Eddie was smart.
MADISON
No, Eddie was a player. Just like that stupid chemistry teacher. You know he only gave me a "B."
JOHNNY
What about girls in other places around town? Do you know any of them?
PEPITA
Well, there is a place that is called The Brass Monkey.
JOHNNY
Ah, yeah.
PEPITA
They have girls there which, um, how do you say? They take off some clothes and go jump around to music?
MADISON
Okay, that could either be strippers or cheerleaders. Be specific.
PEPITA
Yes, strippers. Somebody always make jokes with me about one of those strippers. They say Eddie is seen with her. They think to make me mad. But he's no difference to me. I know how he is.
MADISON
I hope he at least bought you jewelry. And not just something one of his other students made in metalworking.
JOHNNY
Do you know the girl's name?
PEPITA
Oh, yes, it is a very silly name which she is make up. It is... Marty Midnight.
JOHNNY
Marty Midnight?
MADISON
That does't sound like a stripper name, that sounds like a drag name. Is the Brass Monkey a drag club? Ooo... that would make an interesting twist for my true crime podcast.
PEPITA
Maybe. All I know is she has black hair, like me. But mine is natural black.
MADISON
Because she wears a wig!
JOHNNY
Well, thanks for some pleasant conversation, Pepita. Let's go, Madison.
MADISON
We're leaving? I didn't get my coconut drink!
JOHNNY
Maybe you'll have better luck at the Brass Monkey.
MADISON
We're going to the drag club? I haven't been to one since I hosted my sister-in-law's bachelorette party. And I don't care what she says. If you're not rowdy at a drag club, why are you even at a drag club? Woo!
SCENE TEN, EPISODE THREE
JOHNNY
Expense account item seven: twenty-three dollars and forty cents. More transportation and some more of those incidentals. This time to the Brass Monkey Inn. That name had come up twice now. Eddie Caylin's widow had mentioned it first. So I figured we'd better have a look at it. Well, the Jamaican Emerald was a library compared to this place.
MADISON
This isn't a drag club! They're all just regular showgirls.
JOHNNY
Sorry to disappoint.
MADISON
They aren't even strippers. I mean, where's the pole?
JOHNNY
Seven lively dolls all in a row, but none of them with black hair. C'mon, let's go chat up the bartender.
MADISON
You owe me a drink! Ugh! This indoor smoking! It's like a nicotine fog machine.
JOHNNY
Yeah, I got a feeling it will take a moment for that bartender to spot us. Ah, here he comes.
BARTENDER
Sorry, buster, just couldn't see ya for lookin' at ya.
JOHNNY
That's all right. Who'd bother with a customer while that floor show is goin' on?
BARTENDER
Another art lover. Man, I tell you, true: on that stage is the cream of the crop. Seven shining sisters, the Pleiades, brother, the absolutely top zenith of the entire ecclesiastic firmament.
MADISON
Okay, they're not all that. I've been backstage at cheerleading competitions and've seen some of the tightest asses on the planet.
BARTENDER
You lookin' for a job, sweetheart?
JOHNNY
We're just lookin' for a drink. Scotch over ice.
BARTENDER
Check-o.
MADISON
Do you have anything that comes in a coconut?
BARTENDER
No, but I got everything that comes in a shot glass.
MADISON
Tequila then.
BARTENDER
Lady got herself some exquisite sapidity for resplendent beverages.
MADISON
Okay, I understood the Spanish speaking woman better than this guy.
BARTENDER
I read a lot, that's where I get all them big words. Always tryin' to better myself.
JOHNNY
Admirable.
BARTENDER
I got a system, too, a shortcut. You know all them books around? Do you know what they're full of?
MADISON
No clue. I never read a single assignment for English.
BARTENDER
Words! And you know where they get 'em? From the dictionary. So, I don't mess around. I go right to headquarters! The only book I read is the dictionary.
MADISON
The dictionary? That come in an audiobook?
BARTENDER
I read it through twice and now I'm clear up to "J" on the third time 'round. Do you know what a Joss House is?
MADISON
A house where Joss Whedon lives?
JOHNNY
It's a Chinese temple.
BARTENDER
Bingo!
JOHNNY
How 'bout those drinks now?
BARTENDER
Oh, I'm sorry, buster. Here ya are. Say, you're pretty smart, yourself.
JOHNNY
Oh, I'm a pedants.
BARTENDER
That's with a "P." Nah, nah, I won't get to that for another three months. That's two bucks even for the drinks.
JOHNNY
Here you go, keep the change.
BARTENDER
Oh, thanks. Hey, this is a twenty you give me.
MADISON
Good. Keep 'em comin'.
JOHNNY
Slow down, Madison. We're still working.
BARTENDER
Working? Say... what is this?
JOHNNY
All I want is some information.
BARTENDER
Like what?
JOHNNY
Like, where is Marty Midnight this evening?
BARTENDER
Oh, that I wouldn't know. She ain't been around since... Uh... well, not for the last four or five nights.
JOHNNY
Since Eddie Caylin was murdered? Is that what you were about to say?
BARTENDER
Police?
MADISON
Insurance investigators for Eddie Caylin's policy. Now set up another shot!
BARTENDER
Eddie Caylin with insurance? Who's the beneficiary?
JOHNNY
His wife.
BARTENDER
Well, I never met the gal, but I guess she's got somethin' comin'. Ho, man! That cat could really operate.
MADISON
Of course that impresses you. You gotta be a pretty classy guy to work in a strip club.
BARTENDER
"Work" here? I'm the manager, doll face! I hire 'em, fire 'em, and in-between admire 'em. Man, oh, man, what a life!
MADISON
Well, you've definitely found your calling.
JOHNNY
Do you know a friend of Eddie's named Pete Steimer?
BARTENDER
Sure, I know him. He hasn't been around, either.
JOHNNY
Disappeared that same night, huh?
BARTENDER
Yeah, yeah. That was a bad night all around. There was another guy that dropped outta sight, too. A hood named Mike Kelso. One of Toppo Lanely's boys.
JOHNNY
You know Toppo?
BARTENDER
He comes in all the time. He's a-- Hey, wait a minute! You must be the cat that broke his arm! Ha, ha! Well! Congratulations, felicitations, and happy days! I'll have a drink on that myself! You want another shot, sweetheart?
MADISON
Always.
JOHNNY
A real popular boy, huh?
BARTENDER
I understand he got his start leaning out of his baby carriage and shoving his mother under a car.
JOHNNY
Was he in here that night?
BARTENDER
Sure. I told Eddie to stay clear of that game, and was I right?
MADISON
Oh, definitely. I learned my lesson when I played strip poker with the Phi Beta Kappas. They were so P.O.'ed because I wore a ton of layers. But it was winter! So the only poker they got that night was a card game.
JOHNNY
And you think Eddie was killed for the sixty grand he won?
BARTENDER
Buster, that's the type of question I never answer, and that's exactly why I stay so healthy.
JOHNNY
Well, you don't have to answer. That's where all the logic points. Eddie was invited into one of Toppo Lanely's big time poker games and was plenty lucky. Lanely decided he wouldn't stand still for it, so his muscleman, Mike Kelso, went around to Eddie's apartment, beat him up, got the sixty thousand bucks, took Eddie out to the Palos Verdes Hills, ran him off the cliff and set fire to his car.
MADISON
That works. Okay, investigation over. Set me up with another shot.
JOHNNY
But, there are a lot of loose ends. Like what's happened to Pete Steimer and Marty Midnight?
BARTENDER
Scared silly and hidin' out.
MADISON
Good answer.
JOHNNY
Mike Kelso?
BARTENDER
Same thing. He's sweatin' it out to see which way the wind blows. Or there's whispers around that he double crossed Toppo and ran out with the dough.
MADISON
Oh, that's a good twist. I like that. I'm doing a true crime podcast about Eddie Caylin. Can I use that?
BARTENDER
As long as I remain an unnamed, unclassified, unidentified... anonymous. The police! I'm raided again!
MADISON
A raid?! Quick! Flush the stash! Oh, wait, I don't have a stash.
JOHNNY
Relax! It's not a raid.
BARTENDER
Hey, Red! Dump that water bar whiskey down the sink! Jackie, get back there and tell the girls to cover up! Take it easy, you cats, keep your seats! Everything is copacetic!
JOHNNY
It's not a raid! It's Sergeant Reynosa. He's been handling the Caylin case.
BARTENDER
Buster, a cop's a cop, no matter what he's handling! Red! Gimme them bottles!
REYNOSA
What the devil are you two doing here?
MADISON
Nothing illegal! Are we?
JOHNNY
No. We're just having a drink.
MADISON
That's what I told the cop who pulled me over. It is called hard lemonade.
JOHNNY
What's up, Sergeant?
REYNOSA
I'm looking for a girl who's supposed to work here by the name of Marty Midnight.
JOHNNY
So are we. What's your reason?
REYNOSA
Suspicion of murder.
MADISON
No, it wasn't Marty. We're going with Toppo Lanely.
REYNOSA
Not the car accident. This is a fresh one. A guy was killed in Marty's apartment about an hour ago. Neighbors heard the shots. It's really crazy, Johnny. We got a fast check on the fingerprints. Do you know who the guy was?
JOHNNY
Sure. It was Eddie Caylin.
MADISON
Oh! Okay, that's a good twist!
ANNOUNCER
Now here's our star--
MADISON
I mean, Johnny thought he was alive and he was, ya know, until he wasn't.
ANNOUNCER
I'm trying to do my job here.
MADISON
I'm sorry, I just thought that was cool.
JOHNNY
Don't worry, Jonathan, I got it from here.
ANNOUNCER
Thanks, David. I really don't know why I even bothered coming in today.
JOHNNY
Next, a stakeout, a manhunt and a tired man breaking his heart to keep life in a broken body. Stay with us, won't you? Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.
PROMO BREAK: CULT CONNECTIONS
SCENE ELEVEN, EPISODE FOUR
ANNOUNCER
From North Hollywood it's time now for--
MADISON
Madison Standish.
JOHNNY
Gimme that phone. Johnny Dollar.
MADISON
Ya know, this technically is my show.
LILAH
Johnny? Well, that's strange--
JOHNNY
Is this Mrs. Caylin?
MADISON
Oh, it's Lilah? How's she doin'?
LILAH
Someone from the police department asked me to call Sergeant Reynosa at this number.
JOHNNY
Yeah. Reynosa was trying to reach you but your phone didn't answer.
MADISON
Say "hi" from Madison.
JOHNNY
Quiet! We're at the apartment of a girl named Marty Midnight. Ever hear of her?
LILAH
No, why?
JOHNNY
Lilah, you better brace yourself, honey. You've got another shock coming.
LILAH
Shock? What do you mean?
JOHNNY
Madison, give me back that receiver!
MADISON
Lilah? Eddie didn't die in the car accident!
LILAH
Eddie? Eddie's alive?
MADISON
Oh, I hadn't finished. Now he's for sure dead. I'm lookin' right at his bloody corpse.
LILAH
Who did it?
MADISON
Johnny, are we still thinking Toppo Lanely on this one?
JOHNNY
Give me the phone! Lilah, we don't know who did it. Hang onto yourself. We'll come by and see you as soon as we're done here.
LILAH
Would you, Johnny? Please?
JOHNNY
Promise.
MADISON
Oh, dang it! Anybody got a towel? I stepped in his pool of blood!
ANNOUNCER
David Pinion... transcribed adventures... expense account, etc., etc.
MADISON
Okay, now you're not even trying.
JOHNNY
Uh... Yours truly... Johnny Dollar.
SCENE TWELVE, EPISODE FOUR
JOHNNY
From special investigator, Johnny Dollar, location, Los Angeles to the home office, Trinity Mutual Insurance Company, Limited, Hartford, Connecticut. Assignment: "The Caylin Matter." Expense account continued.
MADISON
Look, I said I was sorry! I tried to step around the blood but it's all over the floor!
JOHNNY
Just let the homicide squad finish up, huh?
MADISON
The body's gone. I just wanted some pictures of the crime scene for my true crime podcast. It'll be great for marketing. Ooo! Maybe the cover art.
REYNOSA
I'm tired, Johnny, just plain dead-dog tired.
JOHNNY
Yeah, it's getting to be a long night.
MADISON
Dude, is that Griffith Park across the street? How could she afford this place? She must be makin' bank as a stripper.
REYNOSA
So talk to me, Johnny. You weren't surprised when you heard Eddie Caylin had been alive all this time.
JOHNNY
Well, it started with a hunch when you told me you found the door of Eddie Caylin's apartment locked when you went there that night he was supposed to have died.
REYNOSA
Yeah, I know, locked with a key. You mentioned that but--
MADISON
Oh, he has been going on and on about this lock and key thing. Is there a point to be made? Because otherwise I think we should get breakfast.
JOHNNY
You're hungry again?
MADISON
I need pancakes to soak up my tequila.
JOHNNY
If it had been a door with a night lock or a spring latch that snaps when it's pulled shut, it wouldn't have been anything.
REYNOSA
It still isn't, as far as I'm concerned.
MADISON
Sergeant, you wanna grab breakfast?
JOHNNY
Look, there was evidence that there'd been a fight in that apartment that night. We had assumed that somebody had knocked Eddie unconscious or killed him there, and then taken his body out to his car and driven it to the Palos Verdes headlands and set fire to it.
REYNOSA
That's right.
JOHNNY
But clearly somebody had taken the time to stop and lock the door.
MADISON
Oh! I know! When you think you're gonna get caught for something, you're in a hurry, so you wouldn't stop to lock the door. And Bingo was his name-o.
JOHNNY
Er, right. The heat was on. They had a body on their hands. Maybe someone had heard the fight and called the police. They had to get out fast.
MADISON
This is almost exactly how I got fired from Applebee's.
JOHNNY
Yeah. So, under those circumstances, can you imagine anyone taking the time to go through Eddie's pockets, to find his door key, and then bothering to stop and lock the door behind him? It's illogical except for one person... Eddie himself.
REYNOSA
How do you figure?
JOHNNY
With him it would be just a matter of habit. Locking the door as usual when he left home.
REYNOSA
All right, Johnny, I see your point. Then how do you call the play that night?
JOHNNY
About the way we've been tagging it up to a point. Eddie won sixty thousand bucks in that poker game with Toppo Lanely--
MADISON
But when Mike Kelso went to get it back from Eddie, it was Mike who lost the fight and he's the burnt nugget in the car. Boom!
JOHNNY
Probably did it with Pete Steimer's help.
MADISON
Then he faked his own death to take the gambling money and get away from poor Lilah. We gotta pay her the double anemone.
JOHNNY
Indemnity. No, we can't yet. We don't know how Eddie died this time around.
REYNOSA
Pete and Marty have disappeared again. And the sixty grand is still missing.
JOHNNY
Find them, you find the money.
MADISON
Ooo... the stripper mistress lands the man but murders him to run off with his best friend. This is so close to true crime perfect. Are any of them celebrities? Did a local car ad? Something?
REYNOSA
Of course, Johnny, there is one other possibility.
JOHNNY
What's that?
REYNOSA
Toppo Lanely.
JOHNNY
Was he out?
REYNOSA
Yeah. Unfortunately, a good lawyer on his side, and a poor case on ours, sprung him two hours before the shooting.
MADISON
I got it!
JOHNNY
Watch the blood!
MADISON
I am! You think I want to be traipsing my Italian leather boots through blood?
REYNOSA
Probably one of the uniform boys on duty outside.
MADISON
Do your uniformed boys go undercover as hot young girls?
JEANETTE
The policeman outside say for me to come to you?
MADISON
French hot young girls?
REYNOSA
What can we do for you?
JEANETTE
I am Jeanette Dubois. The person who reports the shooting on the telephone?
REYNOSA
Come on in.
MADISON
Watch the blood.
JEANETTE
Oh, mon Dieu!
REYNOSA
How come you refused to give your name when you phoned the police?
JEANETTE
You captaine?
REYNOSA
Sergeant Reynosa. This is Johnny Dollar and--
MADISON
Madison Standish. Hey. Is that jacket Christian Doir? It is sooo fit!
JEANETTE
You are also police?
MADISON
I have been the fashion police. With your ensemble, though, get out of jail free card.
REYNOSA
Why wouldn't you give your name when you reported the shooting, Miss Dubois?
JEANETTE
I am very sorry, monsieur. You see, I have not been in this country too long and I am afraid that I will be implicated -- so I do not give the name at first. But finally I think it over, I call my friend at the conceil. He say I must come to you immédiatement.
REYNOSA
He's right. And if you cooperate with us now, we can forget about you not telling us sooner.
MADISON
Wait, aren't there anonymous tip lines? Witnesses who come forward have to give their names? You could be a lot less dicky to her. She's putting her life at risk talking to the cops.
JEANETTE
My life? At risk?
JOHNNY
No, not at all. Madison is not a police officer, as you can probably tell since she's, once again, standing in the victim's blood, oh, Madison.
MADISON
What? Ah, dammit!
REYNOSA
So, Miss Dubois, you heard the shooting?
JEANETTE
Oui, monsieur. I was walking past in front. I live three places down from here. All of a sudden there is a "bang, bang, bang!" And I am scared to pieces!
REYNOSA
I can imagine.
JEANETTE
Then the door of this place it... eh... it slam open, very, very quick. And I jump in the shadow behind the bush. A girl start to come out, and then she stop in the door.
JOHNNY
What did she look like?
JEANETTE
It is too dark for telling good, but I have seen her before. I know from her hair. Very long, black.
JOHNNY/MADISON
Marty Midnight.
MADISON
Jinx!
REYNOSA
Was that the one? The girl who lives here?
JEANETTE
Oui, monsieur, but I did not know her name.
REYNOSA
All right, what happened then?
JEANETTE
She standing in the door for a second. She is wearing a... how do you say it... blanche? Eh... white raincoat. She is holding something in her hand. This thing, she wipes with the raincoat -- all over -- then she throws it back into the room.
JOHNNY/MADISON
A gun?
MADISON
Jinx times two!
JEANETTE
I think so? Then she pulls the door shut and runs down the street. Then I hurry home -- very fast -- and telephone to the police.
JOHNNY
You didn't see anybody else?
JEANETTE
No, monsieur Dollar. I watch from my window until the police come. Nobody else has come out or go in.
REYNOSA
Thank you for your information, Miss Dubois.
JEANETTE
Does that mean I can go now?
REYNOSA
Yes. Just leave your name and address with the officer outside.
MADISON
And the name of store where you bought that jacket.
JEANETTE
Certainly. Au revoir.
JOHNNY
That kind of surprises me. I can figure the two of them together ganging up on Eddie, but apparently it was just Marty Midnight.
MADISON
Marty Midnight! Jinx times three! You owe me! Coca cola and a big cookie!
JOHNNY
Madison...
MADISON
I'm still drunk on tequila. Pancakes are the cure. You've been informed.
REYNOSA
What the devil?!
JOHNNY
Come on, Sergeant!
MADISON
Ahh! Okay, somebody needs to clean up this blood!
JOHNNY
The patrolman stationed at the back entrance of the apartment house told us what happened. He'd surprised a man lurking in the bushes beside the house. The prowler fired a shot and ran. He paid no attention to the order to halt. The patrolman had fired twice and missed. The fugitive had escaped into the dense underbrush of Griffith Park just across the street. Within five minutes, Sergeant Reynosa's men had blocked off a fifteen acre area of the slope.
REYNOSA
Well, what do you say, Johnny? Should we go in after him?
JOHNNY
It looks like we'll have to.
MADISON
Uh... insurance investigator question. Aren't we just regular citizens? Why would we be going after an armed fugitive? Especially with this many cops around?
JOHNNY
Well...
MADISON
Just admit it's because you're the lead in the show and that it otherwise doesn't make any sense.
JOHNNY
The same way your being in my show doesn't make any sense?
MADISON
Touché.
REYNOSA
Call it, Johnny, who do you thinks the assailant?
JOHNNY
I putting my money on Toppo Lanely.
REYNOSA
Good bet. Let's go. Couldn't be any darker out here.
JOHNNY
Yeah. I can't see a thing. Ah! Madison! What is that?!
MADISON
The flashlight on my phone. You're welcome.
JOHNNY
Well, at least the guy with the gun can see us clearly now.
REYNOSA
I'm starting to agree that insurance investigators shouldn't be out here.
JOHNNY
At least not ones who have no idea what they're doing.
MADISON
Don't blame the student, blame the teacher.
REYNOSA
All right, we've got you surrounded. You better come out with your hands up.
MADISON
Yeah, that always works. Thanks, copper.
JOHNNY
I think I heard something. It's over to the left. Let's take a look.
REYNOSA
Watch yourself, Johnny, he's thrown lead once already.
MADISON
Good point. I'm goin' back. I really don't like being shot it!
REYNOSA
This is your last chance!
PETE
Keep away from me!!
REYNOSA
I've got no choice, Johnny.
MADISON
Wait, hang on! Are you gonna shoot him? What about tasers? Oh, they probably haven't been invented yet. Billy club?
JOHNNY
Against a gun?
REYNOSA
I'm taking the shot.
JOHNNY
He's down. Come on, Sergeant!
REYNOSA
Well, what do you know.
JOHNNY
It wasn't Toppo Lanely. It was Eddie Caylin's friend... Pete Steimer.
MADISON
Oh, well great. I just stepped in his blood, too. You're puttin' new boots on that expense account of yours.
SCENE THIRTEEN, EPISODE FOUR
JOHNNY
Expense account item eight: One dollar for a newspaper, two packs of cigarettes, and a cardboard carton of hot coffee purchased from an all night diner across the street from the Queen of the Angels hospital.
MADISON
You got all of that for only a buck?
JOHNNY
Why are you interrupting my expense report? I thought you were going to wait for me in Pete Steimer's hospital room.
MADISON
He's unconscious. It's boring.
JOHNNY
He did take a bullet to the chest.
MADISON
Hey, where're the donuts you said you were gonna get?
JOHNNY
I... forgot.
MADISON
Oh, but you remembered to get two packs of cigarettes? Quite the white trash breakfast ya got there.
JOHNNY
C'mon, let's get back to Pete's room.
MADISON
You think your expense account could handle a quarter for the vending machine so I don't have to have cancer for breakfast? See? Still unconscious.
PETE
Where... where...?
MADISON
I'm gonna hit the cafeteria. See if I can find a breakfast burrito or somethin'.
JOHNNY
Quiet, Madison! Pete's waking up.
MADISON
Are you sure? Because I've been watching him drool on himself for over an hour.
PETE
Where am I?
JOHNNY
Take it easy, Pete.
PETE
Eddie. Eddie... is Eddie here?
JOHNNY
No, Eddie's not here.
PETE
He ought to be here.
MADISON
No chance of that. Dude's dead.
PETE
It's... it's always been like this...
JOHNNY
Relax now, it's all right.
PETE
Eddie always runs out and...
JOHNNY
Easy now... easy.
PETE
And leaves somebody else to... to... face the music.
JOHNNY
Pete? Pete? Looks like Pete has gone to face the music.
MADISON
Gah! And there's the music. Hey! Where's the announcer guy? Dude! It's the end of the episode! Can someone check the craft services table for the announcer guy?
JOHNNY
I... think he's a little upset with you.
MADISON
Why? What'd I do?
JOHNNY
Perhaps you stepped on his lines a few too many times?
MADISON
Diva much? Okay, I got this. "Now here's our star to tell about the final intriguing episode of this month's story." There.
JOHNNY
Okay, David. Just one more episode to go. Next, a quarry run to earth, a strange alibi, and a shocking twist at the wind up. Stay with us, won't you? Yours truly, Johnny dollar.
PROMO BREAK: THE BOOK OF CONSTELLATIONS
SCENE FOURTEEN, EPISODE FIVE
MADISON
"From North Hollywood it's time now for--"
JOHNNY
Johnny Dollar.
REYNOSA
Sergeant Reynosa, Johnny.
JOHNNY
Oh, I was just gonna call you. Pete Steimer is dead.
REYNOSA
When?
JOHNNY
A few minutes ago. He almost regained consciousness for a few seconds, but that was all. There was no chance to question him. It's a shame. He might've been able to clear it up for us.
REYNOSA
I think maybe it is cleared up, Johnny. Or it will be, at least, in the next hour.
JOHNNY
What do you mean?
REYNOSA
We picked up Marty Midnight.
JOHNNY
When? Where?
REYNOSA
A few minutes ago at the bus depot with a ticket for San Diego in her hand. I haven't talked to her yet. They're holding her downtown. Why don't you meet me there.
JOHNNY
Fine, right away.
REYNOSA
Is... uh... Madison still with you?
JOHNNY
She's at the diner across the street having breakfast.
REYNOSA
No chance of... maybe... making it over here... unaccompanied?
JOHNNY
I've managed to evade a tail or two in my day. See you soon, Sergeant.
MADISON
Do you need me over there, David?
JOHNNY
No! No! I'm good. You just finish your breakfast. Okay, uh... Now, David Pinion and the transcribed adventures of the man with the action packed expense account. America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator-- Yours truly, Johnny Dollar.
SCENE FIFTEEN, EPISODE FIVE
JOHNNY
From Special Investigator, Johnny Dollar, location Los Angeles-- Yeah, yeah, yeah... gotta hurry before she gets back. Okay, here: Expense account final page. Item nine: a dollar and sixty cents... taxi from the hospital to police headquarters... interrogation room... Sergeant Reynosa already there with Marty Midnight... she was younger than I'd expected maybe twenty-two... obviously scared. I tapped on the door and the jail matron let me in.
REYNOSA
Come in, Johnny. Take that chair.
JOHNNY
Thanks.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
When do I get to see a lawyer?
REYNOSA
You go by the name, "Marty Midnight?"
MARTY MIDNIGHT
That's right. I said, when do I--
REYNOSA
What's your real name? How long have you been in Los Angeles? Where did you live before that? You see what we got a hold of, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Yeah, I see.
REYNOSA
One of those wise ones. She thinks if you're ever arrested, keep your mouth shut. Somebody told her that back along the line and she thinks it's good advice.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
I want a lawyer.
REYNOSA
Don't talk and they can't pin anything on ya. She believes it. She'll probably still believe it, right at the door to the gas chamber.
MADISON
Ditched me again, huh, Johnny? You can't get away from me. I got the tracking skills of a bloodhound.
JOHNNY
Fantastic.
MADISON
Although bloodhounds will fixate on a scent and chase it, without stopping to eat or drink, until they literally collapse and die. Isn't that sad?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Are you my lawyer?
MADISON
Aw... no, sweetie. That's so obviously wrong. But, do ya need one?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Yeah.
REYNOSA
You'll see one at the usual time. You're not being deprived of any of your legal rights. Now, what's your real name?
MADISON
Wait, hang on. If she asked for a lawyer, the questioning is over.
JOHNNY
Madison, don't interrupt.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Yeah! The questioning's over!
MADISON
You haven't said anything, have you? You shouldn't talk without your lawyer present.
JOHNNY
Madison!
MADISON
I'm not going to let you bully this poor-- you're the stripper, right?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Yeah.
MADISON
I'm not going to let you bully this poor stripper out of her rights.
REYNOSA
Well, then, I guess we'll have to contact her folks.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Contact my folks? Who are they? Go on, tell me.
REYNOSA
Well, let's see... Oh, yes, Mr. and Mrs. John R. Cooke of San Diego at forty-four, twenty-six--
MARTY MIDNIGHT
How did you find out?
REYNOSA
And your name is -- or was -- Jean Luanne Cooke.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Don't let my folks know! Please! I'll talk, Sergeant. I'll answer anything you want to know if you just won't use my real name! If you won't let my folks find out! Please!
MADISON
Well, if you're going to blab it anyway, do you mind being recorded? You see, I'm working on this true crime podcast...
JOHNNY
Suddenly Marty was just a frightened kid, not a hard boiled little chorus pony. A scared girl who didn't-- Madison! Stop recording this!
MADISON
What? You don't want evidence you talk to yourself?
JOHNNY
Never mind. Just get back to the scene.
REYNOSA
Did you know that Eddie Caylin was married when you started going around with him?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Not at first.
REYNOSA
And later you found out, but you kept on going with him.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Well, he said he was getting a divorce.
MADISON
Oh, girl, they always say that.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
He said he'd been trying to get free of his wife for six months but she wouldn't let him.
MADISON
Yup, yup, yup. Same 'ol, same 'ol. Just think to yourself, do you want to become the wife of a guy you know cheats on his wife?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Well, I, I don't know...
MADISON
I'll put it this way. I've been selling insurance now for a hot minute. Do you think I would sell car insurance to someone who has a history of crashing their car? Johnny, help me out on this one.
JOHNNY
Madison, maybe we could save the dating advice for after the police interrogation?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
I don't know if I really believed him, until he came to me that night and said we were going to run away to Mexico together.
REYNOSA
The night he killed Mike Kelso?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Yeah, but, I told you -- I didn't know about that until two days later and it was self-defense. Honest! Mike was trying to hold him up to get back the money Eddie won in that poker game. It was self-defense.
REYNOSA
Then why did Eddie go into hiding?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
It was his chance to get away from Lilah.
MADISON
These are the red flags, girl.
REYNOSA
Where were you going when the police arrested you in the bus station?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
San Diego. To my folks. Nobody here even knew me by any other name except Marty Midnight. I didn't think you could trace me.
REYNOSA
And you didn't want to be traced?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Of course not! I came back and saw the police car at my apartment and then I knew you'd found Eddie. I didn't want to be mixed up in it.
REYNOSA
Why did you kill him?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Kill who?
REYNOSA
Eddie.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
It wasn't Eddie. It was Mike Kelso. Eddie is the one who killed him in the fight. I told you that! You know it wasn't Eddie because you picked him up at my apartment, didn't you?
MADISON
Ohhhh... you guys didn't tell her.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
Tell me what?
MADISON
Ed be dead.
MARTY MIDNIGHT
What?!
REYNOSA
He's across the street in the morgue. Why did you kill him?
MARTY MIDNIGHT
No, no, I didn't kill anybody! I didn't know Eddie was dead! I was coming home and I saw the police car and I thought you'd found him, that's all! I didn't know he was dead! Honest!
JOHNNY
"Honest." You hear that? "Honest, cross my heart and hope to die." Well, maybe she will. Poor kid.
MADISON
I don't think she did it.
JOHNNY
A witness saw her leave, saw her wipe off the gun and throw it back into the apartment. The lab boys are making a paraffin test now for the clincher.
MADISON
Still. It's a nice red herring for the true crime podcast, but I'd rather it be Toppo Lanely.
JOHNNY
Well, in "true" crime you can't always write the ending you want. Taxi! Taxi!
MADISON
Where are we going now?
JOHNNY
We promised Lilah Caylin we'd see her and tell her what happened. August Terrace apartments, West Hollywood.
CAB DRIVER #2
You got it.
MADISON
Oh, geez, do we have to? I'm probably gonna cry the second she opens the door.
JOHNNY
If you still want to be an investigator, you might wanna try curbing your every emotion, especially in front of the client.
MADISON
I can't help it. I relate too much to Lilah. It's not that I don't want to date nice guys, I just always mistake the bad guys for nice guys.
JOHNNY
Now that I can't help you with.
MADISON
What can I say? I have the dating instincts of a bird building a nest on a freeway overpass.
SCENE SIXTEEN, EPISODE FIVE
JOHNNY
Expense account item ten: two dollars and eighty cents taxi fare to the August Terrace apartments to talk to the widow and beneficiary, Lilah Caylin.
LILAH
Oh, Johnny, Madison, come on in.
MADISON
Oh, Lilah! I'm so sorry!!
LILAH
Uh... can I get either of you a coffee? Or... something... harder?
MADISON
Irish coffee?
LILAH
Sure. Johnny?
JOHNNY
Coffee, black. Thank you, Lilah.
LILAH
Is it all over now, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Well, they've apparently got the killer.
LILAH
Who?
MADISON
That stripper, Marty Midnight, he was gonna run away with. Can I record you for my true crime podcast to get your reaction?
JOHNNY
I think you're reacting enough for everyone in the room. Possibly for all of Los Angeles.
LILAH
Why... why did she do it?
JOHNNY
The money I suppose. They haven't found it yet, but they will.
LILAH
Here's your coffee.
JOHNNY
Thank you.
LILAH
Is it strange that I feel sorry for the girl? Maybe because I feel sorry for myself or anybody who ever got mixed up with Eddie.
MADISON
Girl, now that it's over, I say you take the insurance pay out and treat yourself. You deserve that money for putting up with him. Like the time I sold off all of my cheating boyfriend's guitars, amps and speakers and stuff and bought myself a really cute pair of shoes. I deserved it.
LILAH
Who could that be this early in the morning?
JOHNNY
Oh, it might be Sergeant Reynosa. I told him we'd be here.
LILAH
Hello?
MADISON
Ya know, I think I should focus my entire true crime podcast around Lilah. She's really the victim in all of this. She represents all women who have ever loved a douche-nozzle.
JOHNNY
I... suppose that's one way to approach it.
LILAH
Oh, yes, just a moment. You were right, Johnny.
JOHNNY
Thanks. Yeah?
REYNOSA
Hold onto your hat, Johnny, it's wide-open again.
JOHNNY
What do you mean?
REYNOSA
The paraffin test. Negative.
JOHNNY
What?
MADISON
What!
JOHNNY
Shh!
MADISON
What?
REYNOSA
Marty Midnight hasn't fired a gun in the last two days. She was telling the truth. Witness or no witness. So, it looks like Toppo Lanely again.
JOHNNY
Sergeant... wait.
REYNOSA
Huh?
JOHNNY
What was Marty wearing when they picked her up at the bus depot?
REYNOSA
Why, uh, the same thing she was wearing when you saw her. Skirt and sweater.
JOHNNY
Did she have a coat on?
REYNOSA
Uh... a short jacket. What are you getting at?
JOHNNY
Hmmm...
REYNOSA
Johnny?
JOHNNY
Sergeant, can you come out here right away?
REYNOSA
To Lilah's place? Why?
JOHNNY
It's important. Believe me.
REYNOSA
All right, Johnny, right away.
MADISON
--Then this other guy I dated borrowed my car to have parking lot sex with a waitress at Denny's. And then there was--
LILAH
Oh, Johnny, what was it?
JOHNNY
Lilah with the coal black hair. It is beautiful.
MADISON
Although, I would point out the necessity of conditioner with L.A. water. Split ends, sweetie. It's a war we all fight.
JOHNNY
Pepita has black hair, too. And Marty Midnight.
LILAH
Eddie only liked dark-haired girls.
MADISON
I find I transcend type. The only guys who won't date me are gay. So with them, I go shopping.
JOHNNY
Yup, Marty has long black hair. But what she doesn't have... is a white raincoat.
MADISON
She doesn't? I could take her shopping. I got the name of Jeanette's boutique.
JOHNNY
You won't have to take Lilah shopping, though. She already has a white raincoat. Don't you, Lilah?
LILAH
What?
JOHNNY
Where is it? Here in the closet?
LILAH
Johnny--
MADISON
What's going on, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Ah-ha. Would you look at that?
MADISON
So what if Lilah has a white raincoat?
JOHNNY
A witness saw a girl leave Marty's apartment right after the shots, but it was dark and all the witness could make out was black hair and the white raincoat.
LILAH
What do you mean?
JOHNNY
The witness saw the girl wipe off a gun on the front of her coat then throw it back into the apartment.
MADISON
Yeah, I remember. I was in that scene. So?
JOHNNY
So, Marty Midnight never fired a gun... and there are smudges on your white raincoat, Lilah.
MADISON
No!
JOHNNY
It's no use, denying it. Reynosa is on his way out here. They'll make a paraffin test and prove you fired a gun. They'll probably dig up the taxi driver who took you out there. They'll search the place here and find the money. Was that it? The money. Was that why you killed him?
MADISON
I believed you! I trusted you! I shared falafel with you!
LILAH
I didn't mean to do it. While I was talking to you, I suddenly wondered if it might've been somebody else's body in the car. I knew about Marty Midnight, of course, I knew about all of them. Then after you'd both gone, I went out there. I waited until I saw Pete and Marty leave, and then I forced my way in.
JOHNNY
So what happened?
LILAH
Eddie was furious. We argued and he drew a gun on me. He threatened me! We struggled--
JOHNNY
So, that's gonna be your pitch, huh? A plea of self-defense?
LILAH
That's it Johnny, self-defense.
MADISON
I buy it! She didn't mean it! She was just protecting herself, right Lilah?!
JOHNNY
Like I said, Madison, in "true" crime, we don't get to write our own endings.
MADISON
I don't think I'm cut out for this true crime podcasting. I think I'm too emotionally involved. I'll stick to insurance investigating.
JOHNNY
About that...
MADISON
So, lunch?
JOHNNY
Expense account item eleven: two hundred, sixty-three dollars and thirty-five cents. A last meal for Madison. Cantonese. At that point I figured, why break from precedent? And finally plane fare back to Hartford. Expense account total: Five hundred, forty-six dollars and thirty-three cents. End of expense account, end of report. Remarks: So the question is, why do girls put up with the Eddie Caylins of the world?
MADISON
There you are, announcer dude! C'mon, it's the end of the show! Don't pretend like you didn't see me!
JOHNNY
And why does anyone put up with Madison Standish?
MADISON
I heard that, David!
EPILOGUE
MADISON
Over the course of its life, "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar," was voiced by eight different lead actors. But old time radio enthusiasts nearly unanimously agree Bob Bailey is the favorite. CBS had been running the series as a traditional half hour drama, but after a year off, came back in 1955 with Bob Bailey and began the five part serial format. Now with seventy-five minutes to create a story and character relationships, the show became one of the most well written and envisioned programs of the era. Unfortunately, in 1960, CBS decided to move the show's production to New York from Hollywood. Bob Bailey didn't want to relocate, and left the show. "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar," after eight hundred and eighty-six episodes starting as far back as 1948, aired its last episode in 1962. Radio historians site the last episode of "Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar" as the last true broadcast of the "Golden Age of Radio."
CLOSING CREDITS
JOHNNY
Yours Truly, Johnny Bravo. Oh, Johnny Bravo! Thank you very much.