MADISON ON THE AIR: “DRACULA”
ADAPTED BY CHRISI TALYN SAJE: JUN 2021
SCENE ONE
MADISON
When the spirit dies but the dead live, the dark god of the night is a beast. Hey, guys! So if you couldn’t tell already, this is our Halloween episode. This is an adaptation from the radio show “Stage 49’s” adaptation of “Dracula” by Bram Stoker originally aired in 1949. Okay, gotta go. I’m playing the part of Jonathan Harker. Well… sorta. This is the blog of Madison Standish. Sorry, I don’t do journals. I refuse to kill trees and why would I write if I could type. Anyway, if you’re reading this, I’m probably dead. When you’re done crying over me, and I know it will take some time, so don’t rush, use this blog as a warning to others. Transylvania, May fifth, 1897. I have been traveling in this freakin’ smelly carriage so long I coulda watched the Snyder cut like, twenty times. And the area is so backwoods, I half expect
to see a Waffle House. I could go for hash browns.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
More quickly, driver! More quickly! The sun sinks!!
COACHMAN
Hee-ya! Hee-ya!
MADISON
It’s so bumpy. What year do they invent shock absorbers?
CARRIAGE PASSENGER
Tradition would have it. These roads should be never repaired, lest the Turk consider it a warlike action.
MADISON
I think that’s the same reason L.A. won’t fix their potholes.
CARRIAGE PASSENGER
This wild country, the ancient battleground of Bulgard and Turk, is not only a melting pot of races-
MADISON
Hey, America is a melting pot. Maybe we didn’t melt evenly like Velveeta, more like when you melt cheddar cheese and the oil oozes out and there are big chunks that you have to break up with a fork–
CARRIAGE PASSENGER
I mean to say, Transylvania is a melting pot of all the world’s superstitions.
MADISON
Oh, I’m woke to all superstitions. I read my horoscope, I use crystals, I go to church, I do juice cleanses–
CARRIAGE PASSENGER
What brings you to our far corner of the world?
MADISON
I’m on vacay. I’m heading up to a really cool AirBnB I found that was advertised mega cheap.
CARRIAGE PASSENGER
May I ask, who is the proprietor?
MADISON
Count Chocula eh– Dracula. I must be hungry.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Driver! More quickly!!
COACHMAN
Am I to fly, then?
MADISON
Dang it, woman. I’m gettin’ motion sick here. You wanna wear my lunch?
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Fraulein American–
MADISON
Call me Madison.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Fraulein Madison–
MADISON
Oh-kay.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Is it not the eve of Saint George’s Day?
MADISON
I know it’s May fifth. Cinco de Mayo.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Do you not know at midnight all evil in the world holds sway?
MADISON
Well, I do plan to get wasted on margaritas, if that’s what you mean.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Do you know where you go, Fraulein Madison?
MADISON
Are you trying to tell me Transylvania doesn’t have any Mexican restaurants?
CARRIAGE PASSENGER
Perhaps our fellow passenger fears the dark. Or perhaps the devil is after us.
MADISON
Am I cray, or is she kinda scared of me? I had a co-worker who was scared of me. Well, she was scared I’d steal her boyfriend. Which I did. So, I guess her fear was warranted?
COACHMAN
There is your road. Borgo Pass.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Fraulein Madison, if you do this, take this crucifix.
MADISON
Oh, thank you! I used to have one just like this when I was in my Madonna “Like a Prayer” phase.
OLD ROMANI WOMAN
Wear it. And God go with you.
MADISON
Here, you can have my choker. We all thought the 90s were coming back, but I think once was enough.
SCENE TWO
MADISON
Well, the coach drove off and I made my way up the long pass to Count Dracula’s castle. Uck. My kingdom for an Uber. It was dark by the time I finally got there and Dracula was outside waiting for me. He looks shorter than you’d expect.
DRACULA
Welcome to my house, Miss Standish. Enter freely and of your own will.
MADISON
Cool, thanks. Quite a front door ya got there.
DRACULA
It once frustrated a Turkish army.
MADISON
I coulda used a door like that for my last apartment. Jealous ex-boyfriend kicked it right off the hinges. Landlord was so pissed when it happened that he left and forgot his pants.
DRACULA
Come. It is late and my servants are not available. Let me see to your comfort myself.
MADISON
So Drac and I ended up walking all over his castle. You think a place like that would have a secret passage or two but nope. It was an endless maze. I felt like I was in line for the Haunted Mansion at Disney.
DRACULA
Here, you may relax in my dining room and I shall retrieve for you a meal. You will, I trust, excuse me that I do not join you at supper. But I have already dined.
MADISON
Ya know, after that bumpy carriage ride, I don’t think I could eat anything. Unless maybe you got some saltines?
DRACULA
I… would have to check.
MADISON
No biggie.
DRACULA
Please, sit a while. I wish for you to tell me more about Los Angeles and the castle you have procured for me.
MADISON
Castle? In L.A.?
DRACULA
When we last spoke, you had described a castle that was on a hillside overlooking the city.
MADISON
Do you mean Chateau Marmont? It’s kinda like a castle. I think if Dracula needed a place to stay in L.A. that’d be it.
DRACULA
Good. You shall make the arrangements.
MADISON
Yeah… but… technically right now, isn’t it 1897? Chateau Marmont won’t be built until, like, the 20s… But, but– this show was performed in the late 1940s… I’ll just take you with me to my past, but your future. Boom.
DRACULA
I belong to the past — a past of brave races who fought, as a lion fights, for lordship. The Huns, whose fury swept the earth till the dying peoples thought the werewolves themselves had come, that in their veins ran the blood of old witches, who, expelled from Scythia, mated with the devils in the desert. What devil or what witch was ever so great as Attila, whose blood is in these veins?
MADISON
Jeez. Just mention L.A. and everybody starts giving you their movie pitch.
DRACULA
I, myself, am from an old family–
MADISON
Ya know what, Drac? Love to hear more about this, but I am zonked. How ’bout we call it a night?
DRACULA
Of course. I shall show you to your room.
MADISON
More walking? Let me pull up Waze. I might be able to find a faster route. What’s the address of my bedroom?
SCENE THREE
MADISON
Blog post, May twelfth. Really diggin’ Dracula’s OG Goth style. Bright red lips that emphasize his sharp pointy teeth, really pale skin, and these super long-ass fingernails. Actually, those could use a little filing. I think coffin shape would totes perfect the look. For a Count, he seems pretty chill. He’s gone most of the day, but then we sit up all night and talk about him moving to L.A. He seems really excited about all the nightclubs I recommend. But tonight was the first night he hasn’t been around. Since I had the place to myself, I decided to throw in my ear buds and have a little solo dance party in my room.
MADISON
Now Madison was workin’ super hard on a makeup tutorial show.
VAMPIRE
Good evening–
MADISON
She was teachin’ smoky eyes to folks out there–
VAMPIRE
Good evening–
MADISON
–who really wanted to know. When some freaky-deaky science stuff–
VAMPIRE
GOOD EVENING!!!
MADISON
Oh! Sorry, didn’t see you.
VAMPIRE
Shall I come more closely? Now do you see me?
MADISON
Well, hello. I love what you’re rockin’ here. A very steam punk meets Edward Scissorhands thing.
VAMPIRE
I apologize if I frightened you.
MADISON
You didn’t frighten me. But don’t be offended. I go to a ton of haunted houses at Halloween. You really need to up your game to frighten me.
VAMPIRE
Miss Standish, our most desirable guest–
MADISON
Oh, are you one of the servants Dracula keeps talkin’ about? Great. I could majorly go for some fresh towels.
VAMPIRE
It… it is very lonely here.
MADISON
Why? Are you the only servant?
VAMPIRE
You are so young and beautiful.
MADISON
Campaigning for a big tip, I see.
VAMPIRE
Can you not move? Are you immobile, trapped in a dream, perhaps?
MADISON
Okay, now you’re just flattering yourself.
VAMPIRE
One dreams of love and longs for love.
MADISON
Dude, are you comin’ on to me?
VAMPIRE
Shall I come nearer?
MADISON
Eh. I’ve had worse pick ups.
VAMPIRE
The love of which you dream, does he have hair like mine? Eyes as these? Such lips that you cannot resist…
MADISON
Sure.
VAMPIRE
Would you like me to kiss you?
MADISON
Well, I have been stuck in this stupid castle with a guy older than my dead great grandfather so… okay.
VAMPIRE
Then I will kiss you. Let me show you love you have never dreamed. First, my lips… to your throat!
MADISON
Ah!! Stop it! My neck is ticklish!
DRACULA
How dare you touch her?! How dare you, when I had forbidden it!
VAMPIRE
Please, be merciful. I shall remove myself at once.
DRACULA
I apologize for the intrusion into your bed chambers.
MADISON
It’s probably for the best. I promised myself I’d cut down on rando hook ups. Hey, is it the torch lighting, or do you look younger? What’s that?
DRACULA
None of your concern.
MADISON
I know what it is!
DRACULA
Ehm…
MADISON
You used the anti-aging beauty regimen I suggested, didn’t you?
DRACULA
Yes… yes. Your, your lavender night cream was exceptionally helpful.
MADISON
Right? Isn’t that stuff like velvet magic?
DRACULA
Ehm…
MADISON
Oh! You have something in the corner of your mouth. It’s dark red and dripping down your chin. Use the mirror in my compact. I got it here in my purse.
DRACULA
Ehm… I shall take care of this in my own chambers.
MADISON
Here ya go. Wait. Do you not have a reflection?
DRACULA
This mirror is a wretched thing that does mischief! Foul vanity! Away with it!
MADISON
Dude. The hell? You threw my compact into the moat! My sister once threw my favorite pair of earrings into our pool and I made her clean the filter with a flea comb until she found them.
DRACULA
Ehm… My apologies. I shall replace it. Now, let me leave you to rest.
MADISON
Aw, man, that guy musta had some sharp teeth. Is my neck bleeding?
DRACULA
Blood?!
MADISON
I’ve had hickies before but they don’t usually break skin.
DRACULA
Blood on your neck?!
MADISON
I’ve got a Kleenex in my purse–
DRACULA
Blood…
MADISON
It’s gotta be at the bottom. Here, can you hold this?
DRACULA
Ah!!!
MADISON
You okay there?
DRACULA
What is that?!
MADISON
Oh, that’s the crucifix the crazy old lady in the carriage gave me. Hand it to me. I’ll put it back in my purse.
DRACULA
Eh… your neck appears to still be bleeding.
MADISON
It is? Dammit, where’s that Kleenex? Is that a baby crying?
DRACULA
Our business shall soon be completed, Miss Standish. Then we go to Los Angeles. For now, good night.
MADISON
Whoa. Well, I know how I’m going to rate this AirBnB. Overall experience: clean room, easy check-in, host is a blood thirsty vampire…
SCENE FOUR
MADISON
June twenty-third. It’s been a while. Lemme fill you in. I managed to get Dracula to 1949 Los Angeles back on May fourteenth. Don’t ask me how. I’ll just refer you to our theme song. I checked us both into the Chateau Marmont, the legendary hotel of the Hollywood elite, filled with rising and falling stars, and eventually where John Belushi will O.D. on speedballs. Good times. I hadn’t seen Dracula, or even thought about him really, since we first got here. He didn’t come up again until I stopped in a hospital a few doors down from the hotel.
VAN HELSING
This, then, is your little patient, doctor?
DR. VINCENT
Yes, but asleep. Quite a simple case, truly. Hardly justifies a journey all the way from Amsterdam by such a noted philosopher and scientist.
VAN HELSING
His color, it’s good. I’ve read of this, and of the other children in your papers. When found, he was so white, so… bloodless.
DR. VINCENT
Quite so.
MADISON
Hey, uh, excuse me. I think I might be in the wrong place. I’m looking for the plastic surgery ward?
DR. VINCENT
Does this appear to be the plastic surgery ward to you?
MADISON
Not when I look at the size of your nose.
DR. VINCENT
We can’t help you. Please leave.
VAN HELSING
Dr. Vincent, please remove the bandage from the boy’s throat.
DR. VINCENT
There, you see? The two tiny wounds. A simple case.
MADISON
Oh, hey, I’ve got two wounds just like that. Look.
VAN HELSING
Indeed, she has.
MADISON
That’s why I’m here. I can’t get rid of these scars. I tried vitamin E, honey, olive oil, apple cider vinegar, coconut oil, lemon — I still have the scars and now I smell like salad dressing.
VAN HELSING
The wounds on the boy. Dr. Vincent, how do you account for them?
DR. VINCENT
Scratches. Simple as that.
VAN HELSING
And yours– I’m sorry, we have not yet been introduced.
MADISON
Madison Standish.
VAN HELSING
I am Dr. Van Helsing. Miss Standish, how did you receive your scars?
MADISON
Hot vampire.
VAN HELSING
What is this you say?
DR. VINCENT
Oh, tut, sir. Next you will be giving credence to all the newspapers stories touting “The beautiful lady who lures away the little ones in the night.” Journalistic tommyrot.
VAN HELSING
Miss Standish, if I may impose upon a bit more of your time, would you accompany me to meet a friend of mine? Another doctor?
MADISON
Are you single?
VAN HELSING
Uh… I am, as it were, unmarried.
MADISON
Hot, single doctor with a sexy accent. I’m all yours.
SCENE FIVE
VAN HELSING
There is so much for which we cannot account. In late May, I had come to Los Angeles to fight such an illness as this boy presents. It afflicted the dearly beloved fiancé of a friend of mine. He is the doctor we venture to meet. A Dr. Seward. Ah. Here we are.
MADISON
Dude, this is a mental ward.
VAN HELSING
Precisely. Dr. Seward is a student of mental disorders.
MADISON
Okay, I’m not goin’ in there. Being committed once was enough.
VAN HELSING
I only mean for us to speak with him. I have heard of many children with a scar such as yours, but you are the first adult… since Lucy.
SEWARD
Abraham?
VAN HELSING
Good to see you, John. Miss Standish, I would like you to meet Dr. John Seward.
SEWARD
Miss Standish.
MADISON
S’up.
SEWARD
Abraham, I was not aware you were in Los Angeles again. And so soon. You left shortly after… well… the funeral.
VAN HELSING
That is the very reason I have brought Miss Standish to see you. Look at her neck.
MADISON
Oh, god, you’re not gonna bring in a bunch of med students now, are you? I swear, every time I get a pap smear it’s in front of the entire freshman class.
SEWARD
Ah. I see what you mean. The scar is exactly the same as Lucy’s.
MADISON
So, what happened to Lucy?
VAN HELSING
With our knowledge, our science… we were babies. She died. Her blood, it was as rich as her youth. Yet, she died, somehow, of losing her blood.
MADISON
That almost happened to a friend of mine. We were at this frat party and she’d been hittin’ the beer bong pretty hard. She had to pee, so she asked me to help her to the bathroom. I get her in there, shut the door and suddenly I hear a crash. She’d passed out and hit her head on the sink and the toilet. I opened the door and it looked like the elevator scene from “The Shining.”
VAN HELSING
That was the most bizarre symptom of Lucy’s ailment. Night after night, a loss of blood. But where then was the blood? Nowhere.
SEWARD
Do you remember the night it happened? It was the night old Renfield turned so violent.
VAN HELSING
Oh, yes. How is Renfield?
SEWARD
Still quiet, though his request for pets continues to escalate. No sooner did we give him sugar for flies, that he told us they flew away and next he requested spiders. When they ran off, it were sparrows. Lately the sparrows, too, flew away, and now he requests a kitten– but I am loth to grant it.
MADISON
Pets are very helpful for mental health. When my cat got depressed, we got him an emotional support dog. It cheered him up so much to scratch the hell outta that poor dog. Miss you, Mr. Peanut.
SEWARD
Why have you returned to Los Angeles, Van Helsing?
VAN HELSING
Certainly you have read the reports about the boy under Dr. Vincent’s care? The tiny wounds on his throat?
SEWARD
Haven’t we maddened ourselves enough trying to solve that fantastic riddle?
VAN HELSING
And Madison, here. Tell him how you came to have such scars.
MADISON
Hot vampire.
SEWARD
They are unrelated. Lucy died of nervous prostration following great loss of blood.
VAN HELSING
Indeed, that is what we believed at the time. But now– now I intend to give you proof otherwise. Tonight you must come with me to Lucy’s tomb.
SEWARD
Lucy’s tomb? Are you mad?
MADISON
Are you allowed to say that in a mental ward?
VAN HELSING
John, I throw my reputation, my reason, upon your mercy. Let me give to you proof.
ORDERLY
Dr. Seward! Mr. Renfield’s turned violent again!
SEWARD
Heavens!
VAN HELSING
May I be of assistance?
SEWARD
We may need all the manpower we can muster.
MADISON
Violent mental patient on the loose? Gotta go.
RENFIELD
Thieves! Robbers!
SEWARD
Swales! Lock the door to the hall!
ORDERLY
Right away, sir!
MADISON
Wait, let me get outta here first!
ORDERLY
It’s locked!
MADISON
Dammit!
RENFIELD
They shan’t rob me!
ORDERLY
No one’s gonna rob you!
VAN HELSING
What manner of disorder is it, this poor man?
SEWARD
I call him a zoophagous — an eater of life.
RENFIELD
They shan’t murder me!
SEWARD
Many flies to a spider, many spiders to a sparrow. His “pets.” He eats them. He eats them all.
MADISON
Ew. I think I’m gonna go back to vegan.
ORDERLY
He’s comin’ at us!
SEWARD
Help me restrain him, Van Helsing!
RENFIELD
I fight for my Lord and Master!
SEWARD
There’s nothing to be done with him. Swales! Put the straitjacket on him!
RENFIELD
Aaaahhh! My Lord! My Master!
VAN HELSING
He keeps pulling to the window. What is out there? What does he see?
MADISON
That’s where I’m staying. The Chateau Marmont.
ORDERLY
I got the straightjacket on him! He can’t fight no more!
RENFIELD
My Lord! Will you desert me?! No hope. No hope…
VAN HELSING
Why is Renfield suddenly so quiet? What’s he staring at out that window?
ORDERLY
Nothin’ that I can see. Nothin’ but that bat, flyin’ away.
SEWARD
Swales, get him into his cell.
ORDERLY
Yes, sir.
VAN HELSING
And now the sun sets. You will come with me to the tomb, John?
SEWARD
No. Can’t we forget it?
MADISON
I’ll go.
VAN HELSING
Very well. Miss Standish will accompany me and we shall provide you with proof.
MADISON
I love cemeteries. I always go to the summer movie nights at the Hollywood Forever cemetery. Something about making out on top of a dead person’s grave… So sexy.
SCENE SIX
MADISON
So Van Handsome and I headed over to the Hollywood Forever cemetery. It was wild to see it in 1949 with so many fewer headstones than what I’m used to. I couldn’t help thinking, “Wow, a ton more people are gonna kick it before I’m here to watch ‘Pricilla, Queen of the Desert’.”
VAN HELSING
Well, there’s her tomb. I predict the door will open with ease.
MADISON
Does this make us grave robbers or something?
VAN HELSING
I don’t believe this grave can be robbed.
MADISON
I mean, I’m cool with that. Just wondering if it’s something I can put on my resume under “skills.”
VAN HELSING
Come inside.
MADISON
Dude, is that her coffin?!
VAN HELSING
It must be opened to get the proof I need.
MADISON
Ooo! I love the feeling of being excited-scared! It’s right up there with horny-drunk.
VAN HELSING
I just need to pry the lid– Amazing.
MADISON
What’s inside?
VAN HELSING
Uncover your eyes and find out.
MADISON
It’s… empty. Where is she?
VAN HELSING
Trust me. I’ll show you.
MADISON
Okay, but right now your ratings are tanking, Geraldo.
SCENE SEVEN
VAN HELSING
It’s near dawn. We cannot have much longer now to wait. Madison? Madison. Madison!
MADISON
So what if your girlfriend’s home. Just tell her I’m your sister.
VAN HELSING
Madison, will you please awaken?
MADISON
Huh? Oh, did I fall asleep again?
VAN HELSING
Yes. And we need not worry of the undead rising, as your snoring could strike fear into a banshee.
MADISON
Well, you didn’t tell me our little outing to the cemetery was gonna be an all nigher. I woulda brought my Adderall.
VAN HELSING
Waiting here is the only way I may prove my suspicions about Lucy are correct. When science failed me, my last treatment was to fill her room with garlic flowers.
MADISON
When I was into Feng Shui I got a money tree but it didn’t work. I think what I really needed was a “get outta credit card debt” tree.
VAN HELSING
Alas, her mother came and removed the flowers. Found them distasteful.
MADISON
If I had healthcare, I’d be open to all kinds of medical treatments. But for now I gotta settle for the home remedy section on WebMD.
VAN HELSING
Look!
MADISON
A woman! In a really ugly nightgown!
VAN HELSING
Come with me. We must go outside. There, walking through the graveyard, it is Lucy! You see?
MADISON
Ooo! I’m getting that excited-scared feeling again! With a little of that horny-drunk feeling, too. This might be the beginning of a fetish.
VAN HELSING
Notice the blood-red lips, the teeth– somehow they always protrude, the eyeteeth — and her eyes… red.
MADISON
Now I know why I’m getting turned on. She reminds of that hot vampire in Transylvania. Dracula was a major cock block.
VAN HELSING
Do you see? She is carrying with her a sleeping child.
MADISON
Why is she carrying a sleeping child?
VAN HELSING
Carefully observe… her lips to the child’s neck. She drinks from his throat. This is the proof I need!
LUCY
Dr. Van Helsing?
MADISON
Aw, man, I think she heard you.
VAN HELSING
Lucy, you must return to your tomb.
LUCY
Come, and we can be together.
VAN HELSING
Release the child, Lucy.
LUCY
As you wish.
MADISON
Girl, don’t just throw your uneaten food on the ground.
LUCY
My arms are hungry for you.
VAN HELSING
And you shall have them, once you return to your tomb.
MADISON
Dude, isn’t she like, your best friend’s fiancé? What about the Bro Code?
LUCY
I cannot bear the solitude.
VAN HELSING
Slowly, Lucy…
MADISON
What did you just do?!
VAN HELSING
Ah! This you do not like. The crucifix!
MADISON
You into Madonna, too?
VAN HELSING
She goes into her grave! There is much here that I, as a man of science, never before could have believed. Yet here we see tonight that this — the crucifix — has been our salvation.
MADISON
This salvation has been brought to you by the letter “T”.
SCENE EIGHT
MADISON
Okay, so after my night with the Crypt Keeper, Dr. Van Hottie insisted we rush back to the hospital and bring John to the cemetery. But you know how you spent your whole childhood being told that dinosaurs look like giant lizards, and you watched all of the Jurassic Park movies which made them seem so real that when scientists were like, “Hey, we think they were actually brightly colored and with feathers.” You’re like, “Noooo! My entire childhood was a lie!” That was kinda John’s reaction.
SEWARD
All right, Van Helsing. You’ve brought me here. Now what?
VAN HELSING
To me, too, it is so difficult to believe what we have seen. But there are the living dead.
SEWARD
Vampires.
MADISON
I know break ups are hard, but your ex is a child eating vampire now and you’re just gonna have to accept that.
SEWARD
I do not believe in your superstition.
MADISON
You would if you’d been a depressed teenager obsessed with fringe culture who shopped at Hot Topic.
VAN HELSING
You must listen to me, John. There is, among us, a vampire who works this evil. He does not sting and die, this vampire. He becomes more strong. He is of cunning more than mortal, for his cunning is the growth of ages through which he does not die. His love is the living, and his food is their blood. When his prey die, they, too, become the living dead, the vampire.
SEWARD
You now speak of Lucy?
VAN HELSING
We must save her soul.
SEWARD
How?
VAN HELSING
I will show you.
MADISON
Ooo!!!!
SEWARD
Are you all right, Miss Standish?
MADISON
Excited-scared-horny. Don’t mind me.
VAN HELSING
Come, John, and face your Lucy.
SEWARD
Must we disturb the others who sleep here in this tomb?
VAN HELSING
We have to do that which must be done. Madison, set up the lantern there on that other coffin so we may see to work.
MADISON
Ooo!!!
VAN HELSING
Now, John… open the coffin.
SEWARD
Open the coffin?
VAN HELSING
We must bring her peace.
SEWARD
Oh, the strange, terrifying beauty. Is this really Lucy? Are those the lips I kissed?
MADISON
Ooo!!!
VAN HELSING
Madison, try to control your urges.
MADISON
The horny wants what the horny wants.
VAN HELSING
John, are you still willing?
SEWARD
Yes. No one else has the right or the duty. I am ready.
VAN HELSING
Madison, remove the tools from the bag.
MADISON
Okay, you got your standard crucifix, garlic flowers, and ah-ha! Here ya go, one mallet and pointed wooden stake.
SEWARD
Yes, I– The stake. Where?
MADISON
Right through the heart.
SEWARD
The heart?
MADISON
Yup. Just pound that sucker right on in there.
SEWARD
I loved her so very much.
VAN HELSING
Remember those children. If she lives on, undead, by her power over them they come to her, they become as her. But if she die in truth, then all cease. The tiny wounds from the throat disappear.
MADISON
Is that how I get rid of these scars? Dammit, that means I have to go back to 1800’s Transylvania and kill that hot vampire. I feel like I’m burning through frequent flyer miles in these old timey shows.
VAN HELSING
It must be now. Let it be done!
SEWARD
Oh, dear God, I cannot!
MADISON
All right, I got this.
LUCY
Oh!!!
MADISON
Eh. Was not expecting her to wake up.
SEWARD
My Lucy!
VAN HELSING
Do it! Will you leave her in torment?!
MADISON
It’s harder to get through the rib cage than it looks!
SEWARD
Oh, I cannot bear it.
MADISON
Come on, baby, get in there.
VAN HELSING
Eternal rest, give to her, O Lord — and let perpetual light shine upon her!
MADISON
Dude, shut that down, I can’t concentrate. Almost there!
MADISON/VAN HELSING/SEWARD
Uck.
MADISON
I did not realize staking a vampire would be so bloody. TV and movies have totally mislead me. Well, I could go for a shower. Anyone else? Shower?
SCENE NINE
MADISON
Blog entry, June the, oh, I dunno, I haven’t gone to sleep yet, so this is basically just one long day. I convinced Dr. Seward and Van Hunky to come back to my room at the Chateau Marmont so I could, ya know, shower and change. John wasn’t doing so good, but for someone who just saw his undead fiancé staked through the heart, he was hangin’ in there.
VAN HELSING
John? Possibly you should take another sedative?
SEWARD
No. Please, continue what you were saying.
VAN HELSING
There’s so little we know. I have learnt the first time when he enters a house, he must receive an invitation. But he is cunning. We must trace each detail in the case of poor Lucy. We– What do you watch out the window so intently?
SEWARD
Hmm? Nothing. Go on.
VAN HELSING
Each moment of her life, from the moment of the first sign, the paleness, the dreams, the throat wounds, this you must trace and study for some — some clue. What do you do with that pistol?
SEWARD
This!
MADISON
What the hell was that?!
VAN HELSING
John! Have you taken leave of your senses?!
SEWARD
I saw in the window — with his black, ugly wings spread out — there was a bat!
MADISON
Did you just freakin’ shoot out my window?! Well, that’s gonna rake up my hotel bill.
SEWARD
I had to. I had to stop the bat.
VAN HELSING
There is no bat here. Shot at or otherwise.
SEWARD
Now listen, Madison, you’re going to tell me everything you know about this — this Count Dracula. We’re going to war.
VAN HELSING
War?!
SEWARD
Yes. War on — Dracula!
MADISON
Mind if I get out of this towel first?
SCENE TEN
RENFIELD
Master?! Master?! I await you, Lord and Master! I am here to serve you, Lord Master! Remember me!
ORDERLY
What’s this all about, Mr. Renfield? Why not play with your sparrows and give us a rest, huh?
RENFIELD
I’ve eaten them.
ORDERLY
Shame on you, Mr. Renfield. All those nice little sparrows.
RENFIELD
I must talk to Dr. Seward. I am in full possession of my faculties. I must beg of him to release me.
ORDERLY
“Full possession,” eh? You just ate your sparrows.
RENFIELD
I demand to speak to Dr. Seward immediately!
ORDERLY
Dr. Seward isn’t coming in today. You’ll have to wait–
RENFIELD
No, sir, now. This request is not of first consequence to myself, but to the health, the welfare, the very lives of others!
ORDERLY
Uh-huh. Don’t make me get the straightjacket again.
SCENE ELEVEN
VAN HELSING
I believe we are ready to act. But we are dealing with one who has survived many centuries and, we must assume, many attacks. We must not fail!
SEWARD
We won’t.
VAN HELSING
Now, we know that in life–
MADISON
I’m cold. Which one of you cranked up the AC?
SEWARD
Such fragility, women. Cold at the most pleasant of indoor temperatures which men enjoy with idle comfort.
MADISON
Makes sense. Men are all muscle and no brains so you’re at home in a meat locker.
VAN HELSING
Perhaps you’re not well, Madison. This has been a strain for such a gentle one.
MADISON
“Gentle one”? I’m sorry, which one of us just staked a vampire?
VAN HELSING
To continue, we know that in life, Count Dracula was a brilliant man — a descendant of Attila the Hun. We know, too, from our studies, he must be the Count Dracula who abandoned his army to the Turkish slaughter and did homeward flee to raise a new force and try again.
SEWARD
And we know that he is right here in this very hotel!
VAN HELSING
That is our next move. We shall surprise him as he sleeps. Which room does he occupy, Madison?
MADISON
Bungalow three. Ya know, after helping Drac move out here, you think he’d maybe spring for me to have a bungalow, too, but no, I gotta pay for my own room and it doesn’t even have a coffee maker– Hello?
ORDERLY
I gotta speak to Dr. Seward!
MADISON
It’s for you, tough guy.
SEWARD
Yes?
ORDERLY
Dr. Seward! It’s Mr. Renfield. Someone tried to murder him!
SEWARD
Someone tried to murder Renfield? We’ll be right over! It is beyond belief. Who would want to murder such a harmless old man?
MADISON
“Harmless?” The guy bites the heads off birds.
VAN HELSING
Wait… Remember last we saw him? “Lord and Master” was his cry.
SEWARD
At the bat. The bat outside the hospital window!
VAN HELSING
We must go to the hospital at once! Renfield must know something about all of this!
HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, pardon me, I appear to have caught you on your way out.
SEWARD
Move aside! We have urgent business!
HOTEL MANAGER
I am the hotel manager, and I cannot permit you to remain in this room with a shattered window.
MADISON
Thanks a lot, guys.
VAN HELSING
John, we must stay and assist Madison in relocating to another room.
HOTEL MANAGER
Oh, I’m afraid we have no other vacancies. The hotel is at full capacity.
SEWARD
We cannot let this waylay us any longer!
MADISON
Look, you two go. I’ll figure something out.
VAN HELSING
Once we settle this with Renfield, we will return.
MADISON
I’m really sorry about the mess.
HOTEL MANAGER
You should’ve seen the place when Jimmy Stewart stayed here. Let’s just say, when I watched “It’s a Wonderful Life,” I cheered for Potter.
SCENE TWELVE
ORDERLY
This is how I found him, doctor. Just a few minutes ago when I was comin’ ’round to turn out the lights. The window bars were torn open. The door flung into the corridor, the poor old loony–
RENFIELD
Jacket. Take off the straitjacket.
ORDERLY
There is no straitjacket, Mr. Renfield. Poor devil, smashed about like that.
VAN HELSING
We must arouse him. He must talk.
RENFIELD
My Lord…
ORDERLY
Before all this happened, he kept goin’ on about needin’ to be released. “Lives depend on it,” he said.
VAN HELSING
Mr. Renfield, tell us.
RENFIELD
The bat came. He stood at my window. He laughed with his red mouth. The white teeth glinted in the moonlight. I was angry. Before, he’d made promises. “All these lives and more will I give you through countless ages if you fall down and worship me.” I invite him in. “Come in, Lord and Master. Enter.” He is in my room. Then I know! I am nothing to him. My loyalty, of no value. He comes to finish me. It is next to be the young lady of charm, he tells me. She has been of more service and she will be his servant, not I! Lord and Master! I gave you everything…
VAN HELSING
Renfield?
SEWARD
He is dead.
ORDERLY
Poor old loony.
VAN HELSING
What did he say? “It is next to be the young lady of charm”?
SEWARD
“She has been of more service and will be his servant.”
VAN HELSING
“Been of more service” — Madison!
SEWARD
Madison? Young lady “of charm”?
VAN HELSING
Perhaps to someone who has been undead for centuries?
SCENE THIRTEEN
MADISON
I really appreciate you letting me crash in your bungalow. The whole place is full up.
DRACULA
Your skin is the snow. Your throat as soft as the quivering rabbit.
MADISON
It’s like ice in here. What’s with you guys and the cold?
DRACULA
Shall we warm your dreams, beautiful one? I will kiss your neck, and then you will kiss mine. Your blood will be my blood. My blood will be your blood. You will know in your blood that I will come again, and you will seek me forever.
MADISON
Hey, don’t read into this, dude. I just need a place to stay for the night.
SEWARD
Dracula!
MADISON
Holy crap, you freakin’ gun nut! You are not a good guy with a gun, you are a douche nozzle with a gun!
SEWARD
Van Helsing! I shoot him, but he doesn’t die!
MADISON
Maybe you’re not a good shot, idiot.
VAN HELSING
I have the weapon he fears! The crucifix!
MADISON
He’s afraid of Madonna?
VAN HELSING
You, who live in eternal death, you fear this cross — the sign of eternal life!
DRACULA
You think to baffle me?! My revenge is just begun! I spread it over centuries!
SEWARD
End him, Van Helsing! End him! Do it for the memory of my Lucy!
VAN HELSING
I must remind you that this is not vengeance. Our actions are to rest a human soul.
MADISON
Oh, god. Here comes the self righteous crap. Just kill ‘im!
VAN HELSING
How his eyes burn… with such ferocious rage…
SEWARD
Don’t look at him! Just do it!
DRACULA
Your fear overwhelms you. You cannot move. You shall be my creatures, to do my bidding! My jackals when I want to feed! Fools! Better men than you have tried to stop me! But no man alive will ever–
MADISON
No man maybe, but, I’m a woman.
VAN HELSING
Madison, you did it! You ended the reign of terror from this vicious beast!
MADISON
This is actually getting kinda easy for me. Watch out Buffy.
HOTEL MANAGER
My bungalow!!!
MADISON
Oh, crap.
HOTEL MANAGER
Look at all this blood! Dammit, do you have Jimmy Stewart in there?!
MADISON
I’m gonna go. And, uh, you two are gonna take care of everything with the hotel manager. Bye!
HOTEL MANAGER
I cannot believe this!! Two rooms in one day?! Someone is going to pay for this or I will see you behind bars! No one gets away with destroying my hotel! You think I won’t call the police? Oh, you can bet your bottom dollar I will! And they’ll come immediately! Chateau Marmont is a respectable establishment!
SEWARD
What just happened here?
VAN HELSING
I do not know. One moment we’re chasing the most evil creature to ever walk the earth, and now we have this… little man yelling at us.
SEWARD
It feels to me that Madison is to blame.
VAN HELSING
Indeed, John, evil comes in many forms.
EPILOGUE
MADISON
“Stage 49” was part of the Trans-Canada Network of the Canadian Broadcast Corporation in Toronto. Their adaptation of “Dracula” by Bram Stoker aired in 1949 with Lorne Greene in the title role. With the script of Stage 49’s adaptation readily available today online, where we got it, too, by the way, theater groups all over enjoy bringing the script to life live on stage as a Halloween treat. We hope you’ve enjoyed our take on the Dracula legend and Happy Halloween from everyone here at “Madison on the Air”! Bye!!!